Infidelity and how to react to it

You know tonight I had a nightmare of my GF cheating on me and my sister, who is her BFF, telling me "Told you so." I was extremely distressed, not because of jealousy or trust, bt because I didn't know what to do about it.

So, like there are government styles, Constitutions, let us talk about Love Constitutions. I absolutely want to avoid the Soap Opera silliness. I think a policy that assumes the worst of both partners and has a plan for each possible scenario, including who can be righteously angry about what. I mean stuff like "While we had broken up back then you had sex with person X and you didn't tell me and now I'm angry and will do stupid stuff to hutt you" I find completely grotesque. And don't get me started on School Days levels of jackassery, cause that's inhuman.

"Sweets are good. Sweets are justice."

She had sex with another person. Does that mean that she loves you less? Why does there need to be a physical pact in order to love someone? Are you a very physical lover, and thus sharing physical intimacy is the same as sharing love?

I think that love is something in the heart, not the loins. Before you pass judgement, you need to understand the circumstances of her infidelity. Was she in the heat of lustful passion? Did she do it to spite you? Does she regret it? What if she wants to have an open relationship? Would you immediately dump her?

edited 8th Feb '11 5:33:01 AM by Grain

Anime geemu wo shinasai!

You have a girlfriend? Since when? Is this the girl whose father is a physicist?

You may be overthinking this. Once both parties agree to be a committed couple, all the standard rules apply. Besides you only dreamed this, if you present her with an "infidelity constitution", you may find yourself looking for a new girlfriend soon.

As for what you do in the case of being cheated on, if you want to keep the cheater, they have to win you back. The relationship starts over from scratch, and they have to prove they can be trusted before any more sex. If they arent willing to do that, you let them go.

edited 8th Feb '11 5:32:36 AM by DeMarquis

"We learn from history that we do not learn from history."

Not the physicist's doctor, the one before.

Yes but what are the standard rules? Plus, she ain't exactly my girlfriend yet, we only had some rubby flirting... and she's supposed to have another dude. Who has no studies, no ambition, and no future. And who is possessive. And who she plans on leaving. And she's kind of a man-eater. And, well, I do feel that her relationship with me is special, I'm not her usual sort of guy (until now most of her guys were the boastful ignorant unhygienic macho types). And, frankly, I don't even care that she screws with some idiotic manwhore or another while and once our ting advances to the next phase, but what I'm afraid of is how she will react to my not caring.

You see, it's a matter of meeting expectations. Of respect. Apparently I'm supposed to get angry about stuff and reclaim what is "rightfully mine" or abandon the relationship. Because otherwise the other person will disrespect me as a man, or think I don't care about her and don't value her. I'm supposed to throw tantrums and make lots of noise and break stuff and get all red and that's not the way I normally react. If I don't like something happening my usual reaction is to get into a funk and crawl into my bed and feel miserable for a while. And I suspect there's a high chance of her being unfaithful (me? Unlikely by virtue of not being interested in other women, as in they bore me), but will that make me feel miserable? I guess I won't know until I get there.

And I know clarity is the passion-killer and attraction thrives on ambiguity and mystery, but can't people just agree to stuff in advance? Or can they just not, will they just not, control their feelings?

"Sweets are good. Sweets are justice."

Throwing her into a giant sand monster might be overkill.

Not to pry, but was it just a nightmare, or is there something more to it?

Hold on here - you think that this girl would cheat on you just to make sure you have the right reaction?

Why would you want to date this girl again?

That’s the epitome of privilege right there, not considering armed nazis a threat to your life. - Silasw

Yeah, that's a tricky reason. If she's playing head games with you, then you decide if you like that sort of thing. Are you a cave man, or an astronaut? My opinion- if she's testing you, and you're having nightmares about it, then maybe this isnt for you. Perhaps you need a girl who has your back. Of course you could just say all this to her- "I dont believe in that stuff" and see what she says.

"We learn from history that we do not learn from history."

No, no, nothing's happened yet, we aren't in a confirmed relationship, and I don't think she'll ever have sex with another to spite me, she doesn't seem to be mean. I just want to consider all scenarios.

I mean come on, with all the harlequin literature and shoujo manga and soap opera everyone here has seen, doesn't anyone know an encyclopaedia of "stupid couple casuistics and how to deal with them" with, printed on the cover in big friendly letters, DON'T PANIC?

Also, of course I'm an astronaut, I just want to be a manly astronaut that responds to what she expects of a man. Her expectations are kind of old-fashioned. As are those of many girls I know. Definitely not a BDSM type, at least for now. Bwa ha ha.

edited 8th Feb '11 7:32:04 AM by Ardiente

"Sweets are good. Sweets are justice."

You have to reclaim what's rightfully yours? That's a rather possessive statement.

Anime geemu wo shinasai!

Well, when I was at that stage that you seem to be at right now, I sure could have used something like that. Never had one, but I guess I did ok.

"Scenario Planning" seems... awkward. I think you try to be as explicit regarding your long term relationship goals as you can, as early as you can, and if the other party does anything that you think undermines your ability to achieve those goals with her, you tell her. How you tell her, well, no one ever wrote the instruction manual for that one. You play it by ear, screw it up a half dozen times, so that by the time you happen to meet the girl you're going to spend the rest of you life with you actually have the skills to communicate with her. That's the only way of doing it I know of. Hope that helps.

"We learn from history that we do not learn from history."

There are several reasons why people cheat on their Significant Others. The ones that I know (or at least, know in theory) are, together with a proposed solution:

• The cheater isn't getting the satisfaction he/she needs at home, so he/she takes their business elsewhere. Have a good chat with your spouse, ask him/her what it is that he/she is missing in your relationship, and do whatever you can within reason to satisfy that need. If you feel that you have to go outside of reason to satisfy the need, then it would be best for both parties to terminate the relationship.
• The cheater isn't the type to be sexually loyal to his/her partner, and doesn't find intercourse to be an indicator of love. Since he/she still only loves you, a relationship shouldn't be too much of a problem, as long as you can agree on certain limits. If such limits can not be agreed upon, then there is no use trying to salvage the relationship.
• The cheater is being an ass. Terminate relationship immediately.

Of course, that entire post could be summed up as: "The key is communication". Understand your partner, and make sure your partner understands you. you will always end up with the best case scenario if you do.

Funny thing about cheating is...it's kinda impossible to get revenge. If it does happen in real life, make the cheater and the 3rd person's life hell. Then break up. Unless you're the "sexually open" type who likes swinging.

edited 8th Feb '11 2:07:06 PM by Signed

"Every opinion that isn't mine is subjected to Your Mileage May Vary."

I'm not sure, but I guess I am a sexually open guy, at least ideologically. I'll find out when I'm there. But as I said, she seems to be the type that doesn't put sex and love in the same basket. And, as I said, she has old-fashined tastes in men. I fear that, if I tell her "go ahead and do what you want", she'll feel like I'm less of a man for it, I might lose some of her esteem. If throwing some tantrums every now and then and showing jealousy and a controlling, patronizing behaviour is what she needs to feel safe and loved, I can give it to her, I'm a chameleon like that, but I'd like to know in advance...

"Sweets are good. Sweets are justice."

I think what most of us are saying is that it's your needs that have to come first... for you. And you have to understand just what your needs are. I had a roommate once who formed an exclusive relationship with someone who told him on day one that she was not sticking around after the end of the year (she had a job in another state waiting for her). We all told him to back away from that, he just shrugged it off saying, hey, it's easy sex for one year, and then I can look around. Needless to say, he got his heart broken. I think it took years for him to fully recover from that. So the take away is, don't compromise your core needs just because some girl wants you to. That seems like a sucker play. Unless you intend to fool around yourself, in which case the relationship will at least be equal.

edited 8th Feb '11 2:20:55 PM by DeMarquis

"We learn from history that we do not learn from history."

The main reason I don't expect to fool around is because I can't find any other chicks I'm interested in to the same degree. You know, she's special to me. Plus, she can see through my mind like a freaking map, she really understands me well...

"Sweets are good. Sweets are justice."

...that's the last thing any man should say to his girl. It's like eating truffles, and some other dude comes along and asks if he can have it, and you saying "go ahead have as much as you want"...it belongs to you! No one has any rights biting your truffle.

Exceptions being if you're that open of course...but it doesn't sound like you are from this thread.

....damn that was a bad analogy. Anyways, she's yours, therefore no other guy should lay their hands on her. It's like tresspassing on other people's property....also a bad analogy...

edited 8th Feb '11 2:25:20 PM by Signed

"Every opinion that isn't mine is subjected to Your Mileage May Vary."

Well, as far as private property and food are concerned, I'm a very sharing man and don't have a strong sense of what's mine and what's others'. So, yeah, I'd give someone free license to eat my truffles, but I'd be mildly annoyed if they ran with it and ate them all, as in "that's it, I'm not sharing my truffles with you anymore", not as in "you selfish greedy son of a bitch, YOU WILL PAY for those truffles!"

"Sweets are good. Sweets are justice."

You REALLY do not want to share your truffles though...

Common mushrooms? Yeah. Truffles? Can't imagine anyone who paid for it would give it to anyone other than those close to them.

"Every opinion that isn't mine is subjected to Your Mileage May Vary."

Oh.

I wouldn't buy truffles. Never been one for fancy food.

"Sweets are good. Sweets are justice."

My terms with my girl are pretty well laid out, since we both travel a lot.

If anything happens while deployed or traveling because of the job and it's just a fling, then it stays strictly confidential. I don't want to know, nor does she. Simple as that.

When we're both home, we take infidelity very seriously. We're both not allowed to sleep with other people, or be romantically involved with other people. If we start to do this, we're to immediately tell the other, and either talk it out and see if the relationship can be salvaged, or break up. It's cheating if either of us decides to choose someone else over eachother, when we're both home and available to spend time with. And cheating is an absolute no-go.

Edit: Signed, those are some pretty dangerous analogies there. Though the way I look at it, we both belong to eachother. We can break up with eachother whenever we want, but until that's happened, she's mine and I'm hers, and that's the way it's going to be. I need her permission to do certain things, and she needs mine.

edited 8th Feb '11 2:56:30 PM by Barkey

...that's what I just said...but dangerous?

"Every opinion that isn't mine is subjected to Your Mileage May Vary."

Dangerous in that it's bait for certain people to take it out of context, roll into the thread, and then jump you and derail this thread into a feminism and sexism thread.

Oh, please, let that not happen.

"Sweets are good. Sweets are justice."

Not only that, but as far as I see it that's the wrong way around. To keep the language in spite of its Unfortunate Implications just to make a point, the one cheating should have to give a damn good reason to be able to reclaim the one who isn't.

Ah, my opinions on infidelity. My mother is utterly remorseless about it, cheating on my dad with some poorly educated, barely literate man named Marcos, she calls him Tumbo. I call him Dumbo. And what's worse, mom is always giving out our stuff that we "no longer need" to those degenerates. That guy's son already has a kid of his own at age 16. And no, mom is not dating a pool boy either, she is dating a man in his forties, who is rather fat and had to have his knee removed because of that + his job as a construction worker.

Oh, and fun fact: his wife is separated from him over infidelity.

So, you can guess my position on it. Its all bad, especially when its an older woman getting together with another guy who is in such a poor economic condition he was living out of a renovated garage. I wish I could make that bastard pay.

Sign on for this After The End Fantasy RP.

Look, I know it's wrong, but that's how some damn girls think, they have the sexism waaay inside, and treat me like a weirdo, or a revolutionary, or a faggot, when I point out how ridiculous this stuff is.

"Sweets are good. Sweets are justice."