Polyamory

Who said anything about subtle hints? I said talk to them. That means sit down and ask the people you are interested in and see how they feel about polyamory and if they would be interested in it.

Its kinda a no brainer.

If they aren't interested, then there is no point. If they are then you guys can lay the ground rules on how you are willing to consider the relationship.

Some like open relationships. Some like all to be in a relationship together. Some like the polygamous kinda route where one has more but the others are exclusive. What options you have depend on who you are entering the relationship with.

So, gather your team before you can figure out how to play.

We weren't talking about that. I think he just meant subtle hints in general. The kind of thing husbands stereotypically miss and wind up in the dog house for. This would be inside the relationship, not getting started.

Polarstern raises a good point, though; what about Questionable Consent? Suppose you're, let's put it in high-school terms, the coolest guy in class, and you've got this girlfriend, but you like that other girl, and you stumble on something like The Ethical Slut and you feel all hyped up to try it out. So, with all goodwill and with the best intentions, you take the "safe, sane and consensual" approach very seriously, and you tell your GF about the awesomecool stuff you've found out, and how you'd like to try it out, and you ask whether she'd agree.

Okay, what are her options? How much of her consent will be her interest in trying this out, and how much will be her going along with whatever he says because she's afraid to lose him?

In general, what happens when one is the center of an unequal group? Sure, you're torn between the two or more lovers who gravitate around you, but what about the power you wield there, how much pressure can you exert on each of the parts with impunity, how much Gunboat Diplomacy and "market cornering" could be going on, even unconsciously, even in spite of your best intentions?

That is an oddly specific situation to entertain.

I think it also simplifies what happens in a polyamorous situation.

After all, polyamory tends to go both ways. And if someone is interested in such a thing beyond "whooh two people" then there would be more to discuss than just that, and most people will probably be pretty set in the "yes" or "no"

And the situation really isn't worth entertaining, I think? Unless that is your situation? Otherwise it's just a hypothetical, and there are a couple of trillion out there that could be used when discussing this.

edited 10th Sep '13 2:55:40 PM by MrAHR

Actually, It's not that far fetched of a potential situation, although to a much more subtle extent. For example, my last two G Fs and I if we did it would be in a similar situation, if a bit more subtle. (Id. Ego. Super-Ego.)

I have a question on this: why are there two words for it?

Polygamy. Polyamory. What's the difference?

Polygamy is the marriage version of polyamory

edited 10th Sep '13 3:02:20 PM by soban

thump I am wrong so wrong

edited 10th Sep '13 3:02:39 PM by MrAHR

Polygamy, multiple marriages

Polyamory, multiple loves

You mean to tell me that such situations, where a minority of the group, who's more charismatic, attractive, powerful, status-y, or otherwise leverage-ful than the rest, holds a great power over the rest, aren't common? I wouldn't have promoted this hypothesis if I didn't keep hearing of poly groups where this appeared to be superficially the case.

And, of course, there's the fact that I was raised in a society where polygyny was technically legal; my grandmother in particular got into huge problems because her father took a second wife who did her utmost to pull all the resources and inheritance away from the first one. Hence, I'm very wary of relationships where one party holds a disproprtionate amount of power over the rest; technically, my great-grandmother could have refused to consent, and that would have been that, but, practically, she was unable to.

edited 10th Sep '13 3:03:43 PM by TheHandle

polygyny is one man many woman polyandry is one woman many men

Well, yeah, that's what the word means; many-women-y, many-men-y.

That sounded funnier than I expected.

Polygamy: Legally recognized marriage between more than two people. Typically a culture or group which practices polygamy also specifies which way the "multiple" goes: a man may have more than one wife, but a woman may not have more than one husband, or vice versa.

Polyamory: Literally, "loving many". An unofficial relationship between more than two people. The relationship may or may not be sexual; everyone may be equally involved with everyone else, or there may be smaller groups within the larger group.

Most schools have a Most Popular person who could leverage his/her way into Polyamory, so the potential for it to be common is there.

If the popular person really cares about the partners, and isn't just using them, then that person should learn to recognize the signs of those partners being pushed to their limits so that the relationship can be put on hold or ended if need be.

Beyond that there's little to say.

Handle: there are sharks in all waters. They're always the minority, though. Mono- has its sharks (and other predators and reefs) just as much as poly- does. Sometimes even the same sharks (some personality disorders will use anything that comes to hand, regardless of what it is). <_<

It's not a case of "better" or "worse" bodies of water.

When you deal with people, you're never dealing with absolutes, even if situations can turn out that way as a worst-case scenario. That you're worried about power-play and games within a group already speaks volumes about you trying to avoid such things... which means having eyes peeled and being aware that they can happen, even if they're not likely to.

You're borrowing trouble. But, that's not a bad thing. Thinking ahead is positive. And, a useful interpersonal skill if you remember to share the worry.

edited 10th Sep '13 3:55:16 PM by Euodiachloris

My girlfriend always says life is a gambled investment. You hope that your work pays off. You do your best to keep the odds in your favor.

Sometimes it pays off, pays out, or cleans you out.

That's why you choose relationships carefully and hope for the best.

Another topic: apparently there's a disproportionate amount of white wealthy educated people in the poly demographic. There's also a huge number of bisexuals compared to the common population... but it's mostly the women, for some reason. Anyone have any hypothesis why?

Women are more inclined to be bisexual, especially in their later years.

Ployamorous relationships are more expensive: bigger house is needed, more mouths to feed, greater chance of more than one child to support, etc. So the more money you make the more accessible such a lifestyle is.

White people are the majority in the West. Of course they would be higher.

There's a flipside to polyamory being more expensive: More hands to work. Unless you're talking one working spouse having two housespouses, there's nothing saying most of the household can't be out working during the day and spending their days off together.

And there's less of a stigma on women being bisexual. At least once they're old enough to lose the disrespect uptight elders like to give youths.

We're talking about two different types of polyamory styles, one which depends on a consolidated source of income from a central breadwinner, and the other which is more cooperative. The former style is more popular, and accessible, to the wealthy while the latter is more practical for those of lower wealth.

Either one can work, but each comes with its own list of problems and concerns. Also, it's far more difficult to switch from one type to the other once either has been established.

Far more difficult than what, King?

@Polar: We're talking USA; 95% of poly are one variety or another of Caucasian. The proportion of Caucasians in the USA is only 72.4 %. That's no small discrepancy.

@Journey: would you suggest that there would be more male-male romantic links if men hadn't been conditioned to fear same-sex involvements? Do you anticipate that, as LGBT become more accepted in mainstream society and queer feminism advances, the number of bisexual men will approach that of women?

edited 11th Sep '13 9:04:26 AM by TheHandle

There are just so many factors that can be impacting on the shifting demographics. Not least pervasive cultural views and acceptance within subgroups.

And, never, ever discount income, taxation, benefits and existing children when it comes to household make-up. <_< A lot of people will put off exploring some of what they may have always wanted to do until the kids are older and some of the early pressures on their behaviours may have eased. Not least so they can have the time to juggle everything in their lives.

Another thing to keep in mind is that any estimate of the number of polyamorous groups in a population is going to be completely based on self-reported statistics, that is, people who are willing admit that they are polyamorous. Well-off Caucasians, in general, tend to be (have I weaseled enough there? I think I have) more willing to admit to deviating from social norms. They have both money and ethnicity as shields from the stigma that a poor or non-Caucasian person would face for the same deviation.

edited 11th Sep '13 9:52:56 AM by Madrugada

Than living a particular form of poly right away. Once you gain traction in one form of it, there's a lot more baggage in changing it than if you'd started living that way from Day One.

edited 11th Sep '13 11:18:18 AM by KingZeal

That's true of living arrangements for any set of people.