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Total posts: [1,147]
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Polyamory:

 1 drunkscriblerian, Fri, 4th Feb '11 12:08:47 AM from Castle Geekhaven Relationship Status: In season
Street Writing Man
it exists, despite the best efforts of a lot of people to stamp it out. Anyone curious about how it works? How it doesn't work?

Discuss.

<those of you who posted in the original; please post your questions again, and I'll answer them again. We're trying to recreate here, please help.>
If I were to write some of the strange things that come under my eyes they would not be believed.

~Cora M. Strayer~
I'm interested.

...Er, in this topic that is.

 3 KCK, Fri, 4th Feb '11 12:27:06 AM from In your closet
Can I KCK it?
Seconding interest!
There's no justice in the world and there never was~
 4 drunkscriblerian, Fri, 4th Feb '11 12:33:21 AM from Castle Geekhaven Relationship Status: In season
Street Writing Man
Those interested; ask questions, those who know will answer if they can.
If I were to write some of the strange things that come under my eyes they would not be believed.

~Cora M. Strayer~
What's the best way to tell prospective partners about it, if you are unaware of whether or not they're poly or mono?
 
 6 Aondeug, Fri, 4th Feb '11 1:11:10 AM from  Our Dreams
Oh My
Repost my questions, eh? All right then. I will do so to the best of my memory!

1. Do you the drunks (and our other polyamorous tropers) not feel jealousy, only feel it to a small extent, find creative ways to deal with jealous, or some combination of the above?

2. ...Did I have a second one? If so I forgot it...
If someone wants to accuse us of eating coconut shells, then that's their business. We know what we're doing. - Achaan Chah
How does a polyamorist group choose who or who not to include into the group? For example, if there's a group of three, and Person A and Prson B like Person D, but Person C doesn't, how do you resolve this?

Also, how do you resolve conflicts in dividing your attention between one person and the next?

 8 Tuefel Hunden IV, Fri, 4th Feb '11 1:14:34 AM from Wandering. Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Watchmen of the Apocalypse
Sans the background for the questions the two I had that you answered were.

  1. What happens when someone in the group breaks the openness and honesty between partners how do you deal with it? This is in reference to what I considered a core couple like two people who primarily see each other but there are other relationships in a mutual sense as well.
  2. How do you handle when one person wants to go from being a poly based to a mono based relationship due to some change in the dynamic of the relationship?
"Who watches the watchmen?"
 9 Kino, Fri, 4th Feb '11 4:52:03 AM from NC/NYC Relationship Status: 700 wives and 300 concubines
Connoisseur of redheads
I was never a fan of sharing so I have no idea how I could make it work. That being said; multiple women at once is intriguing.

edited 4th Feb '11 4:52:29 AM by Kino

ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
 10 Blue Ninja 0, Fri, 4th Feb '11 5:10:37 AM from The Middle of Nowhere Relationship Status: Non-Canon
Plotting my Escape
Which seems to be harder, an open-couple, or a closed-three  *some?

How do you handle children in a poly relationship?  *
I'm going to get killed becuase some guy saw me walk out of a Subway eating a foot long shotgun - Mousa
 11 Filby, Fri, 4th Feb '11 6:32:55 AM from Western Massachusetts
Some Guy
I'm not into it, but I have no problem with it. Whatever floats your boat.
Groovy.
 12 De Marquis, Fri, 4th Feb '11 7:00:13 AM from Hell, USA Relationship Status: Buried in snow, waiting for spring
Who Am I?
I am of the impression that the mono/poly dimension works a lot like the hetero/homosexual orientation: i.e. it's not a choice. If you are into it, you are, and if you aren't, you aren't. The distribution isn't a bell curve- most people fall into one of the two extremes, and for them, there isn't much ambiguity about it. A smaller number of people may fall somewhere in the middle and may need to experiment somewhat to discover a lifestyle they can be comfortable in. Society is hostile to sexual lifestyles that deviate from majority institutions, so, just as with the LGBT community, some public education and political organizing is in order. The existence of people practicing alternate lifestyles does not threaten the lifestyles of the mainstream, and we can and should tolerate this in the interest of fairness.
“Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves.”
 13 Madrugada, Fri, 4th Feb '11 7:33:35 AM Relationship Status: In season
Zzzzzzzzzz
<Mod Hat ON>

This is a preemptive warning, ok?

This is a thread in OTC; that means it stays on-topic or it gets shut down. In this case the topic is "Polyamory — how does it actually work?". Not whether you find it hot, or don't think it can work, or whether you approve of the idea or not. This will be under fairly close scrutiny.

Attempts to derail it or turn it into a sex thread will be thumped, attempts to get it locked may result in a forum ban.

<Mod Hat OFF>

edited 10th Sep '13 9:10:52 AM by Madrugada

...if you don’t love you’re dead, and if you do, they’ll kill you for it.
In Riastrad
Thanks for watching out for the thread, Maddie. :)

I myself have a question. If you're part of a poly couple (unit? Squad? Troupe?) and one of you dies, is it still a poly unit or just an open relationship?
My name is Cu Chulainn.
Beside the raging sea I am left to moan.
Sorrow I am, for I brought down my only son.

 15 Chagen 46, Fri, 4th Feb '11 8:27:31 AM from I don't really know
...What happened to the original? Did you guys get the final post I made in it?
"Who wants to hear about good stuff when the bottom of the abyss of human failure that you know doesn't exist is so much greater?"-Wraith
 16 Madrugada, Fri, 4th Feb '11 10:06:34 AM Relationship Status: In season
Zzzzzzzzzz
Assume that they didn't and repost it. If it's on topic. If it's not on-topic, it will get thumped and you will get a forum ban.

edited 4th Feb '11 10:06:52 AM by Madrugada

...if you don’t love you’re dead, and if you do, they’ll kill you for it.
 17 Chagen 46, Fri, 4th Feb '11 11:08:50 AM from I don't really know
{No, that's not really on-topic here. It falls into the "I approve/I don't approve" area rather than the "so, how does it really work, emotionally or philosophically anyway?" area. —Madrugada}

Anyway, on topic: I've been sopaboxing about the cons of poly, so I would be interested in hearing what you polamourists think are pro's and advantages to it over monogamous relationships

edited 4th Feb '11 11:49:07 AM by Madrugada

"Who wants to hear about good stuff when the bottom of the abyss of human failure that you know doesn't exist is so much greater?"-Wraith
 18 drunkscriblerian, Fri, 4th Feb '11 11:41:34 AM from Castle Geekhaven Relationship Status: In season
Street Writing Man
@English Ivy: As directly as possible. It makes a good litmus test to see if someone's laid back enough to partake in the lifestyle. If they cannot handle/are made uncomfortable by such a question, they likely cannot handle being in a poly relationship.

@Aondeug: Yes, we feel jealousy, just not with regards to our partner engaging in intimate acts with others. And also; even if one is wired/predisposed to polyamory, one is still generally raised under the conventional relationship dynamic and as such feels jealousy at first because we're all told that's what we're supposed to do. Generally, there comes a point where the would-be polyamorist finds him/herself in a romantic either-or and asks "why not both?"

@King Zeal: Everyone's got a different way of choosing new partners, from "hey, she's cute" all the way up to what amounts to a three-way marriage. The most successful way I've seen is "Only people everyone likes". My reasoning; when you get in a poly relationship, you're in a relationship with everyone in it, even if you're not sleeping with all of them. Allowing people in who are disliked by part of the group only results in friction and drama.

On time division: Love is an infinite resource. On the other hand, time isn't, and effective time management is a must for poly. Also, communication; everyone needs to know what everyone else's plans are, to avoid the whole "double-booking" thing.

If this sounds complicated and tricky, that's because it is. Screwing this up kills more poly relationships than practically anything else (as it breeds accusations of favoritism).

@Tuefel:

  • 1: This is tough to handle. Poly runs on honesty, and when someone's not being truthful everyone suffers. Generally, you have to let the person go, or (in the case of it being a spouse) give up the lifestyle.
  • 2: Also tough to deal with. As with any other relationship problem, usually compromise works best; perhaps dialing down the poly-ness (less partners, less time with them, etc.) or giving it a break (it can be exhausting, especially in large relationships).

@Blue Ninja: Open couple is easier, but more likely to fall apart/suffer truth issues. Stable three/foursome takes more work (to achieve the "stable" part), but is more likely to last.

@De Marquis: Agreed. That's why we're doing this thread.

@Madrugada: Thanks ever so much for looking out for this thread, Foxy Lady. We appreciate it.

@Daimonnes: Never been there. Couldn't tell you. Probably still an open relationship, but again I can't answer what I've not seen.

@Chagen: I'm going to ignore you until you have a question. No offense meant, but you don't seem to be getting the point here.
If I were to write some of the strange things that come under my eyes they would not be believed.

~Cora M. Strayer~
 19 darksidevoid, Fri, 4th Feb '11 11:59:21 AM from Geofront, Tokyo-3 Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
NERV Supreme Commander
What sort of legal difficulties do you know of / have you encountered with regards to polyamory? I'm sure there are a lot of things, but for some reason all I can think of right now is hospital visitation rights.

Edit: Does this count as on topic? :/

edited 4th Feb '11 12:05:04 PM by darksidevoid

You want to vote for Gendo Ikari... You want to vote for Gendo Ikari...
 20 drunkscriblerian, Fri, 4th Feb '11 12:05:31 PM from Castle Geekhaven Relationship Status: In season
Street Writing Man
@darkside: Polygamy (multiple marriages) is illegal by US federal law. This means that no matter what religious ceremony one goes through, a Big Love style setup is against the law. Also, in states with "at-fault" divorce law, adultery can be used to establish fault. Poly counts as adultery, because in all those states the law doesn't provide for a spouse having given permission.

In other words, the law doesn't recognize us.

That said...there are ways around it, mainly because the law also hasn't caught on to the fact we exist. When I was hospitalized (workplace accident), my wife and all my girlfriends were allowed to come see me. Of course, it was only for a day and I wasn't dying, so I don't know how this would have flown in a more serious situation.

As an aside, the look on the duty nurse's face was priceless. [lol]
If I were to write some of the strange things that come under my eyes they would not be believed.

~Cora M. Strayer~
 21 Drunk Girlfriend, Fri, 4th Feb '11 12:17:04 PM from Castle Geekhaven
Anyway, on topic: I've been sopaboxing about the cons of poly, so I would be interested in hearing what you polamourists think are pro's and advantages to it over monogamous relationships

Because you (and others) may not understand why this is a non-question, I'll explain. You can't have pros and cons to polyarmory any more than you can talk about the pros and cons of, say, interracial relationships. It's a personal lifestyle choice, a decision to be made by those involved.

What sort of legal difficulties do you know of / have you encountered with regards to polyamory? I'm sure there are a lot of things, but for some reason all I can think of right now is hospital visitation rights.

In the state of Utah, it's a third degree ''felony'' for a polyamorous couple to cohabit with another polyamorous couple. Also, in the state of Tennessee a woman's child was removed after a court decided polyamory was "immoral" and constituted a hazard to the child's health. In this case, it looks like the woman was indeed an unfit mother, but the court only looked at the polyamory, not the physical conditions of the home.
"I don't know how I do it. I'm like the Mr. Bean of sex." -Drunkscriblerian
Hm... how would you define a relationship as "poly"? Is it one of those "you know it when you see it" things, or would you consider there to be a handful of signs which takes it from "poly" to "multiple monogamous relationships"?

Sorry, I've probably phrased this wrong.
 
 23 drunkscriblerian, Fri, 4th Feb '11 12:30:12 PM from Castle Geekhaven Relationship Status: In season
Street Writing Man
@Allan: "Polyamory" as a term covers everything that isn't strict monogamy. There are many variants, I'll try to list them out.

  • Swingers are married couples who have sexual relations with other people. This is done mostly for sexual enjoyment; the couple gets their emotional fulfillment at home and finds kinky thrills elsewhere.
  • Triads/Quads are people who have a stable multi-way relationship. These tend to work just like mongamous marriages, just add extra people. homosexuality may or may not be involved (and isn't as common as one might think).
  • Open relationships are the most common (and least stable) form of poly; its a couple where the idea of having "dates on the side" is okay. Usually, the original relationship is "primary" while all others are "secondary". This tends to fall apart, for a lot of reasons.

I'm sure there are others, this is just what immediately springs to mind.
If I were to write some of the strange things that come under my eyes they would not be believed.

~Cora M. Strayer~
Usually, the original relationship is "primary" while all others are "secondary". This tends to fall apart, for a lot of reasons.

Please elaborate here. I find this part extremely interesting.

 25 drunkscriblerian, Fri, 4th Feb '11 12:58:18 PM from Castle Geekhaven Relationship Status: In season
Street Writing Man
@King Zeal: Again, this is the most common kind of poly; couples get a little frisky and think "hey, other people, that'll add some spice" or whatever. So, they start shopping around for lovers.

As I said, this tends to fall apart quickly, for a lot of reasons.

  • Rank Issues. No one likes being secondary, and the fundamental inequity of the arrangement means that most "secondaries" only stick around until they've found a "real" (i.e. Monogamous) relationship of their own. Pretty much dooms any extraneous relationships of the primaries to for-the-sex-only affairs, and when they get deeper than that problems often ensue.
  • Lack of Preparation. Lots of people get into this breed of poly without really thinking the matter through. It's easy to get ass-deep in alligators here very rapidly, and most don't consider the potential pitfalls. They only see the fun, not the work.
  • Jealousy. This kind of poly is fun when you're the one out screwing whoever. For most, it stops being so when their partner does it. Sharing isn't easy to do, because sharing means that its not always your turn. Again, most would-be open relationships don't grok this.
  • A Host Of Other Problems. What happens when the parents find out? What about kids? This kind of poly is fun in your twenties (which is why its common there) but becomes less so as real life intervenes more and more.

Relationships like this either settle down into a triad/quad, revert to monogamy (breaking hearts along the way) or just blow up in a shower of weapons-grade drama.

edited 4th Feb '11 12:59:01 PM by drunkscriblerian

If I were to write some of the strange things that come under my eyes they would not be believed.

~Cora M. Strayer~
Total posts: 1,147
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