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Give or Critique a Story Short Summary:

I need a drink
Title: In my Time Genre: Period/Fantasy

During the crusades brotherhoods were formed, but none of them were greater than one formed by one of creations most humble beings. A mouse. As the last knight of the Edam Order, Reginald stands his last post, writing the memoirs of his life and his time with the Order while guarding a prisoner. But the Prisoner is growing restless and Reginald's time is almost up.
Theres sex and death and human grime in monochrome for one thin dime and at least the trains all run on time but they dont go anywhere.
Indecisive Goldfish
Title: Boy Aurus

Genre: Fantasy

Summary: Eternally naive Aurus looks for happy things to fill his immortal life with, but it always becomes more complicated than getting some more candy.

I've been running this comic since June and I still can't seem to summarize it worth a darn.

edited 13th Feb '11 12:19:39 PM by Kaxen

 178 Leradny, Fri, 18th Feb '11 9:54:36 AM from Alameda, CA
Guys. If you want someone to critique your single paragraph you might want to give your thoughts on all the previous single paragraphs that came before you. It's right there in the first post.

Ettina: No. I'm not sure who's point of view the summary is taking place from. You'd be better off with something like "Rose is enjoying her new powers, and doesn't see why Dancer is so adamant against her using them", or "As Rose enjoys her strange new powers, Dancer tries to ignore (or not ignore) her worries."

Mild Guy: 1) No. Instead of putting every single name in one group, just say the name of the group and maybe the leader. The mildly foreign sounding word-swap doesn't help. Also, it doesn't sound dramatic enough to be a 3-part adventure. The exclamation mark is not your friend.
2) No. It's a fanfic. No one who's looking for fanfiction in a specific fandom would need to be told what happens, and if they haven't gotten that far in a series or whatnot they likely wouldn't want to be spoiled. And the kind of people who haven't played the game wouldn't be looking for fanfic in the first place. Allude to the event, but make sure to get across what's different—namely, how you interpreted it.

Eldritch Blue Rose: No. Too generic. It basically says "This is a story." I know that. What readers really want to know are what and who the story is about.

Atom James: Except for the fact that you repeat "formed", "last", and "prisoner", which is distracting and bogs the summary down, I'd read it. Shades of Redwall and Chronicles of Narnia are coming across to me.

Kaxen: Yes. I have not seen a character like this, which is the main draw, and conflict is present without being unsuited to youth.


By the way, I hope I get across the genre and a vague impression of the rating in the summary. That's why I haven't been listing them.

A Chance Look at the Sky: Tess sticks to peeling apples and oranges. If she's going to see portents of her death everywhere, she might as well have the scent of fresh fruit.

edited 18th Feb '11 9:56:21 AM by Leradny

 179 Catarrh, Mon, 21st Feb '11 7:04:53 PM from In a cardboard box
Catarrh
Title: Walkabout

Genre:Post-Apocalyptic

Summary: A generation has passed since the world fell apart. Wild dogs wander the roads in packs. Lawless gangs murder, rob, and enslave those who cannot defend themselves. A young man and his young sister wander through the country, scraping out a living by scavenging goods from the ruins and eating whatever animals they can catch. All they have is the rags they're wearing and a beat-up rifle to protect themselves. They have only the hope of a safe place to live somewhere in the east to keep them going.

edited 22nd Feb '11 3:27:06 AM by Catarrh

This is a signature
 180 Sal Fish Fin, Thu, 24th Feb '11 7:03:49 AM from on top of Your Mum Relationship Status: I get a feeling so complicated...
Trolling Swordsman
Title: Oricle (No, I did not misspell that) Genre:Urban Fantasy

You never know what you'll find in the city. But when a random woman runs into you, tells you to hold something for her, and subsequently flies away, you've just gotten into something deep.

edited 24th Feb '11 7:04:02 AM by SalFishFin

I have a new one:

Title: The Brave and the Depraved

Genre: Slice of Life/Erotica

Summary: What they did in that room, her new friend and her new teacher . . . Cassandra thought to herself, is everyone at this school that messed up? They treat this like it's commonplace, like it's nothing.

But what she wondered most, once the tears had dried? Why couldn't I look away?

edited 2nd Mar '11 6:06:07 PM by Everest

 
 182 Leradny, Thu, 17th Mar '11 5:56:36 PM from Alameda, CA
Guys. If you want feedback, you need to give a damn about the people who posted before you did.

Eh. It had been a while before I posted again. I figured people weren't going to look if I didn't, and even after that, they didn't. There are only three on the block currently, though.

This seems to be much more of a problem in the Troper Critique Club thread, really.

-looks at said thread- Hmm. There are less stacked than I thought. But there are still a bunch there who didn't give a damn. I wanted to post something there, but I ended up refraining due to the sheer amount of requests there already were.

edited 17th Mar '11 7:38:19 PM by Everest

 
 184 Crystal Glacia, Thu, 17th Mar '11 8:05:20 PM from Cedarpointland
listen
What they did in that room, her new friend and her new teacher . . . Cassandra thought to herself, is everyone at this school that messed up? They treat this like it's commonplace, like it's nothing. But what she wondered most, once the tears had dried? Why couldn't I look away?

No. I would pass it up on the grounds of it being romance/erotica. Neither erotica nor romance are my cup of tea. It is unique in its own right and may draw someone else in, though.

A generation has passed since the world fell apart. Wild dogs wander the roads in packs. Lawless gangs murder, rob, and enslave those who cannot defend themselves. A young man and his young sister wander through the country, scraping out a living by scavenging goods from the ruins and eating whatever animals they can catch. All they have is the rags they're wearing and a beat-up rifle to protect themselves. They have only the hope of a safe place to live somewhere in the east to keep them going.

Yes. Sounds interesting, I like post-apocalyptic stories with war as a backdrop. Though the last sentence has a feel of "Oh, I've hit my character limit, " as though you didn't get to where you wanted with it.

And my entry...

  • Title: Aether
  • Rated Teen, Urban Fantasy/Supernatural
  • Summary: After spending centuries in magic's maddening grip, the empress' closest advisor has gotten back into his right mind, a man by the name of Kiyoi. However, the Divinis he has awakened to is a nation of anarchy, a nation where magic abuse has maddened the officials beyond all hope and the people are devoted mindlessly to their empress. They cannot keep going like this, he decides. As he presses on with his mission, everything will stand in his way, including time itself.
 185 drunkscriblerian, Thu, 17th Mar '11 8:20:00 PM from Castle Geekhaven Relationship Status: In season
Street Writing Man
Aether: No, because the title is bland and the summary drags a little at the end. "They cannot keep doing this, he decides" could be cut entirely, as well as about 25% of the descriptor words. (yes my grammar terminology sucks, fire me.) Give me a more descriptive title and a slightly less clunky summary and I'd be sold though; its an interesting idea.
If I were to write some of the strange things that come under my eyes they would not be believed.

~Cora M. Strayer~
 186 Crystal Glacia, Thu, 17th Mar '11 8:37:29 PM from Cedarpointland
listen
[up] Okay, thank you. The title is the name of the world it takes place in, but I recently switched plots. I know a summary blurb is imminent. I'll have to reconsider it more...

I'm glad the concept sounds interesting, though.
 187 Acesoldier Zero, Thu, 17th Mar '11 9:49:00 PM from Virginia Relationship Status: Gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
*Title: Aether
  • Rated Teen, Urban Fantasy/Supernatural
  • Summary: After spending centuries in magic's maddening grip, the empress' closest advisor has gotten back into his right mind, a man by the name of Kiyoi. However, the Divinis he has awakened to is a nation of anarchy, a nation where magic abuse has maddened the officials beyond all hope and the people are devoted mindlessly to their empress. They cannot keep going like this, he decides. As he presses on with his mission, everything will stand in his way, including time itself.

I would change the use of "Divinis" - I find it confusing and unhelpful in understanding the story. Also, I believe that your summary is on the wordy side.

https://soundcloud.com/rich-justice-hinmen Too white for the black kids, too white for the white kids.
No. I would pass it up on the grounds of it being romance/erotica. Neither erotica nor romance are my cup of tea. It is unique in its own right and may draw someone else in, though.

That . . . doesn't help a whole lot, or tell me what I did wrong. But I guess I can return the favor anyway.

Walkabout: No. It sounds like the standard for a post-apocalyptic story, plus it drags and fishes for sympathy.

Oricle: Yes. It sounds different enough, and the girl in this summary is probably interesting, going by their actions. Plus the summary was snappy and didn't drag.

Aether: No. it sounds like it could bring something new to the table, but the descriptive language is a little . . . overdramatic, and venturing into standard high fantasy territory.

edited 18th Mar '11 11:12:35 AM by Everest

 
 189 Forzare, Fri, 18th Mar '11 10:11:37 AM from Hinamizawa
Reason and Madness
Title:Through The Cracks (temporary)

Genre:Mostly Sci-Fi/Horror

Description:When the barriers between the dimensions crack, when an unstoppable Multiverse-spanning hive mind devours entire universes, how far will you go to protect those you love?

edited 18th Mar '11 10:13:54 AM by Forzare

 190 Lord Iron Hat, Fri, 18th Mar '11 6:44:57 PM from Up hill, both ways
Watch your head...
Title: Pariah

Intended Audience: 16+

Genre: Action

Summary: There is no love or hate. There is no mercy and there is no justice. There is no right or wrong. There is only business. And this business will make the world run red so that we can have a little green.

edited 18th Mar '11 6:52:17 PM by LordIronHat

My ideas need only make sense to me.
Title: Witches and Wishes (Working Title)

Intended Audience: 9-14

Genre: Fantasy

Summary: A boy saves the lives of 2 witches at same time, one nice, and one mean. Both give him 3 wishes. But one set goes wrong. and the other goes right, he must not only fix them but maybe even find why wishes exist in the first place.
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 192 Dec, Sat, 19th Mar '11 3:06:28 AM from The Dance Floor
Stayin' Alive
Hmm, okay — let me quickly go through all the summaries on page 8, first off:

@Atom James: No. Doesn't sound like something I'd like, in the long run. Also, you might wan to simplify the second half of the first sentence — its too wordy, and having one twice in there doesn't read right. It also sounds like you're trying to ratchet up tension in the last sentence, but the conflict is too vague for me to grasp what you're trying to allude to in terms of a wider plot.

@Kaxen: Hmm, I probably would at least peek, but not from the summary itself — its more the fact that I like looking at comics first before deciding if I'd like to read them. The summary is also vague and ungrounded, and while it may adequately say what the story is mainly about, it doesn't draw me in. It might be better to think of an event or a specific situation that encapsulates what's going on, instead of trying to make a short description describing everything at once. Or maybe that's just me, I don't know.

@Leradny: Yes. Mainly because I want to know what the heck that's about.

@Catarrh: No. Sentences two and three sound too much like the standard post-apocalyptic trappings, so tell me nothing that I didn't get from the first sentence or got hinted at the sentences after them. Might be better to hint at why the "somewhere in the east" is so alluring to them.

@Sal: No. The events described are weird, I'll give you that, but I don't know — something is off to me, and I can't figure out what. You can probably condense the second sentence a bit, though. Might also help if you imply why all that means you're in something deep, too.

@Everest: Hmm, intriguing, but No. Doesn't sound like my type of porn story. I'm pretty sure you can get away with using "her new" only once in there. Pretty good otherwise, though.

@Crystal Glacia: No. Really weird ordering, in that first sentence — you should really put the part stating the guy's name earlier in there. You could also edit the whole thing down a bit, which would probably make it all flow better.

@Forzare: No. I think you should replace that second "when" with "and". Also might be better to talk about the setting or something, because if you don't I'm kinda left wondering how people could defend themselves from a Multiverse-spanning hive mind.

@Lord Iron Hat: Yes. The wording is nice, but I don't know — it doesn't say much about what the story is actually about in terms of the actual facts behind the plot, only the concepts. I also feel like there should be a comma in sentence two before the "and", but I have no friggin' clue how grammatically correct that is.

@Robbie: No. I've read fanfictin long enough in this lifetime that any time someone doesn't bother writing out numbers, I'm immediately inclined to not care about their story. The period at the end of "But one set goes wrong" isn't convincing me to do otherwise, ether.


Title: Timekeeper
Ages: PG-13
Genre: Action/Adventure and Slice of Life

Summary: "Time management is a pain in the ass, when you can travel through time."

edited 19th Mar '11 3:07:19 AM by Dec

Nemo enim fere saltat sobrius, nisi forte insanit
Deviantart.
"No. I've read fanfictin long enough in this lifetime that any time someone doesn't bother writing out numbers, I'm immediately inclined to not care about their story. The period at the end of "But one set goes wrong" isn't convincing me to do otherwise, ether. "

And anyone who misspells fanfiction isn't someone i should trust with spelling/grammar.
Also, that last part has nitpick written all over it
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 194 Dec, Sat, 19th Mar '11 3:26:58 AM from The Dance Floor
Stayin' Alive
^Sorry, its three in the morning here — I probably should have said that that period seems like it should be a comma and the comma after that one a period, because otherwise the syntax in the last sentence is really off.
Nemo enim fere saltat sobrius, nisi forte insanit
Deviantart.
Oh, thanks for the help then
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Total posts: 195
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