Hmm, okay — let me quickly go through all the summaries on page 8, first off:
No. Doesn't sound like something I'd like, in the long run. Also, you might wan to simplify the second half of the first sentence — its too wordy, and having one twice in there doesn't read right. It also sounds like you're trying to ratchet up tension in the last sentence, but the conflict is too vague for me to grasp what you're trying to allude to in terms of a wider plot.
Hmm, I probably would at least peek, but not from the summary itself — its more the fact that I like looking at comics first before deciding if I'd like to read them. The summary is also vague and ungrounded, and while it may adequately say what the story is mainly about, it doesn't draw me in. It might be better to think of an event or a specific situation that encapsulates what's going on, instead of trying to make a short description describing everything at once. Or maybe that's just me, I don't know.
Yes. Mainly because I want to know what the heck that's about.
No. Sentences two and three sound too much like the standard post-apocalyptic trappings, so tell me nothing that I didn't get from the first sentence or got hinted at the sentences after them. Might be better to hint at why the "somewhere in the east" is so alluring to them.
No. The events described are weird, I'll give you that, but I don't know — something is off to me, and I can't figure out what. You can probably condense the second sentence a bit, though. Might also help if you imply why all that means you're in something deep, too.
Hmm, intriguing, but No. Doesn't sound like my type of
story. I'm pretty sure you can get away with using "her new" only once in there. Pretty good otherwise, though.
No. Really weird ordering, in that first sentence — you should really put the part stating the guy's name earlier in there. You could also edit the whole thing down a bit, which would probably make it all flow better.
No. I think you should replace that second "when" with "and". Also might be better to talk about the setting or something, because if you don't I'm kinda left wondering how people could defend themselves from a Multiverse-spanning hive mind.
@Lord Iron Hat:
Yes. The wording is nice, but I don't know — it doesn't say much about what the story is actually about in terms of the actual facts behind the plot, only the concepts. I also feel like there should be a comma in sentence two before the "and", but I have no friggin' clue how grammatically correct that is.
No. I've read fanfictin long enough in this lifetime that any time someone doesn't bother writing out numbers, I'm immediately inclined to not care about their story. The period at the end of "But one set goes wrong" isn't convincing me to do otherwise, ether.
and Slice of Life
Summary: "Time management is a pain in the ass, when you can travel through time."
edited 19th Mar '11 3:07:19 AM by Dec