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The most epic jokes you've ever heard.:

 51 lord Gacek, Sun, 30th Jan '11 2:37:24 PM from Kansas of Europe
KVLFON
Do I need to explain?

A lemma is a "secondary" theorem you use to prove another theorem. The joke is that Devil appears to be just as much (or possibly even more) of a mathematics buff as the mathematician himself, given that he is so ecstatic about finding a lemma. The theorem was originally Fermat's Last, but I think it was already proven.
"Atheism is the religion whose followers are easiest to troll"
 52 Deboss, Sun, 30th Jan '11 2:48:30 PM from Awesomeville Texas
I see the Awesomeness.
I looked it up, but didn't catch that meaning.
 53 Ian Ex Machina, Sun, 30th Jan '11 3:06:25 PM from Gone with the Chickens
The Paedofinder General
I have OC/DC. It's just like OCD except it fucking rocks.
By the powers invested in me by tabloid-reading imbeciles, I pronounce you guilty of paedophilia!
 54 The Gloomer, Sun, 30th Jan '11 3:14:24 PM from Northern Ireland
Inadequate law student
This is one of those jokes that my parents always seem to find very funny. I liked it the first time I heard it, but a bit less so subsequently. The names are interchangeable.

David Beckham, David Cameron, Pope Benedict XVI and a schoolboy are passengers on a plane. The pilot announces that the engines have failed and they're going to crash; only three parachutes are available. David Beckham delcares that he is the greatest footballer in England so he deserves one of them, so he takes one and leaps from the aircraft. David Cameron announces that he's the Prime Minister so he needs one of the parachutes, so he picks one up and jumps out.

The Pope turns to the schoolboy and says, "Well, my son, I've had a good long life and I believe that letting you use the last parachute would be the right thing to do." The schoolboy reassures him, " No need for that, sir. Mr. Cameron's just jumped out with my schoolbag."

 55 Ian Ex Machina, Sun, 30th Jan '11 3:17:21 PM from Gone with the Chickens
The Paedofinder General
I've just been banned from eBay.

Apparently, a rat and a plastic tube does not constitute a DIY abortion kit.
By the powers invested in me by tabloid-reading imbeciles, I pronounce you guilty of paedophilia!
 56 Tuefel Hunden IV, Sun, 30th Jan '11 3:21:16 PM from Wandering. Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Watchmen of the Apocalypse
did you really post that?............[up]
"Who watches the watchmen?"
 57 Ian Ex Machina, Sun, 30th Jan '11 3:25:08 PM from Gone with the Chickens
The Paedofinder General
[up]

In this thread yes, on Ebay no, as really it is a joke.

My girlfriend came up to me the other day and said, "Darling, I've just found out that I'm pregnant!"

So, being a gentleman, I did the honourable thing and got down on one knee.

And punched as hard as I could.

edited 30th Jan '11 3:37:02 PM by IanExMachina

By the powers invested in me by tabloid-reading imbeciles, I pronounce you guilty of paedophilia!
 58 Caissas Death Angel, Sun, 30th Jan '11 5:11:31 PM from Dumfries, SW Scotland Relationship Status: Pining for the fjords
House Lewis: Sanity is Relative
Last night someone knocked on my front door at 2.30am. Can you believe that? 2.30am!

Good thing I was still up and playing my bagpipes.
Did I tell you guys my new years resolution this year, by the way? It's to stop telling racist jokes. Because after all, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.
In my Biology test today one of the questions asked me to name 2 things you'd find in a cell.

Scousers and blacks is probably wrong.

edited 30th Jan '11 5:18:20 PM by CaissasDeathAngel

My name is Addy. Please call me that instead of my username.
Not Actually Indie
This one is apparently completely unfunny to a lot of people, but I find it more amusing than any other joke I've heard in a long time

It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.

The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.

"Excuse me, " says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?"

So the man told his story.

"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.

"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.

"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.

"For my third wish — and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up — I asked for an orange for a head."

When I told it to someone else who didn't find it funny though, I came up with another joke, which I find funny for similar reasons, but seems to have broader appeal.

A man walks into a control room. There is a big red button labeled "Nuclear Launch Button." He walks up and presses it.

A display screen next to the button reads "Input password." There is a number panel below the screen. He searches around the room, and finds a locked desk. He jimmies it open, and rummages around through it. Inside there is sheet of paper which says "Nuclear launch password: 7831662"

He returns to the number panel, and punches in 7831662. The display screen says "Code confirmed. Press again to launch." He presses the button again. "Launching nuclear arsenal."

He stares at the screen in shock. "Aw shit.... I fucked up."
...eventually, we will reach a maximum entropy state where nobody has their own socks or underwear, or knows who to ask to get them back.
 60 Deboss, Mon, 31st Jan '11 1:00:57 PM from Awesomeville Texas
I see the Awesomeness.
I will admit to loling more than I should have at "crime is for black people".
 61 Noaqiyeum, Thu, 24th Feb '11 4:01:23 PM from out of the night from pole to pole Relationship Status: Showing feelings of an almost human nature
the it-thingy
I used to have a bunch of lawyer jokes that I would happily pull out for this thread, but I've resolved to stop telling them... lawyers don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks that they're jokes.
We dance around in a ring and suppose,
But the Secret sits in the middle and knows.
- Robert Frost
 62 Deboss, Fri, 25th Feb '11 12:24:25 AM from Awesomeville Texas
I see the Awesomeness.
I still think lawyers are jokes.
 63 Usht, Fri, 25th Feb '11 12:27:06 AM from an arbitrary view point.
Lv. 3 Genasi Wizard
Not so much a normal joke, but I once read a Bash quote that consisted of a person replacing every instance of the word "wand" in the first Harry Potter book with the word "wang". It was so stupid and dumb yet I laughed so hard.
The thing about making witty signature lines is that it first needs to actually be witty.
 64 cityofmist, Fri, 25th Feb '11 1:34:29 AM from Meanwhile City
turning and turning
[up][up][up]I want to be a lawyer when I'm older, and I love lawyer jokes. Please share some?
Scepticism and doubt lead to study and investigation, and investigation is the beginning of wisdom.
- Clarence Darrow
 65 Caissas Death Angel, Fri, 25th Feb '11 6:18:04 AM from Dumfries, SW Scotland Relationship Status: Pining for the fjords
House Lewis: Sanity is Relative
Check the page history for...Evil Lawyer Joke I think it is. There used to be a whole list of them there, though it wasn't relevant to the page so I had to delete!

edited 25th Feb '11 6:18:33 AM by CaissasDeathAngel

My name is Addy. Please call me that instead of my username.
 66 Deboss, Fri, 25th Feb '11 7:04:32 AM from Awesomeville Texas
I see the Awesomeness.
You could have made a Samples.Evil Lawyer Joke instead of just deleting them.
 67 Noaqiyeum, Fri, 25th Feb '11 10:03:40 AM from out of the night from pole to pole Relationship Status: Showing feelings of an almost human nature
the it-thingy
It looks like they've all been moved to the Quotes page, actually.
We dance around in a ring and suppose,
But the Secret sits in the middle and knows.
- Robert Frost
 68 Madrugada, Fri, 25th Feb '11 10:16:08 AM Relationship Status: In season
Zzzzzzzzzz
Cityofmist: Here's one that got me two free drinks from a lawyer-acquaintance who had a standing offer of buying a drink for anyone who could tell him a lawyer joke that either 1) made him laugh or 2) he hadn't heard before. It managed both.

An incredibly wealthy old man has a fatal illness. His doctor tells him that he only has six months left to live, at the longest. The old man calls his lawyer and tells him, "I want to become a lawyer before I die. I don't care what you have to do, how much you have to spend, or how many favors you have to call in — I want to become a lawyer before I die. If you can manage it for me, I'll leave you 5 million dollars. But I can only die happy if I'm a lawyer."

The lawyer immediately starts figuring out how to do it. He buys a law degree from a diploma mill in the Caribbean in the old man's name, then he does some digging and finds an brilliant but unscrupulous young man who agrees to sit the bar exam in the old man's place, then he spreads around bribes and gets a copy of the test that will be used on that testing day and gives it to the young man to prepare in advance, and then, just to be sure, he bribes the people who will be grading the tests to score the test with the old man's name on it high enough to pass, regardless of how well the young man actually does.

All this takes five and a half months, and the old man is getting weaker and weaker.

The old man is on his deathbed, holding on to life by sheer determination when the lawyer comes rushing in, shouting "It's done!" and waving around a letter from the Bar Association. "It's done! You're officially a lawyer! But, please, sir, can you tell me why it was so important to you that you become a lawyer? If it meant that much to you, why didn't you do it when you were younger and healthy?"

The old man looked at him, then turned his face to the wall, said "Now there's one less lawyer in the world." and died.

edited 25th Feb '11 10:17:31 AM by Madrugada

'He strutted across the bedroom, his hard manhood pointing the way' sounds like he owns a badly named seeing-eye dog. 'Sit, Hard Manhood!
 69 Wicked 223, Fri, 25th Feb '11 10:19:15 AM from Death Star in the forest
brb loling forever
You can't even write racist abuse in excrement on somebody's car without the politically correct brigade jumping down your throat!
That was hilarious! grin I was expecting it to be pulling the rug out from underneath the lawyer by not giving him the five million somehow.
"War doesn't prove who's right, only who's left."

"Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future."
 71 Caissas Death Angel, Fri, 25th Feb '11 11:29:25 AM from Dumfries, SW Scotland Relationship Status: Pining for the fjords
House Lewis: Sanity is Relative
[up]I was thinking similar, that it would be along the lines of "the diploma makes me a lawyer in theory, conning you out of all the money makes me one in practice". That's much better.
My name is Addy. Please call me that instead of my username.
Proud Canadian
"Wanna hear a joke?"

"What."

"Women's rights."

edited 26th Feb '11 10:57:23 AM by Erock

If you don't like a single Frank Ocean song, you have no soul.
The system doesn't know you right now, so no post button for you.
You need to Get Known to get one of those.
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