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Could someone.. help? A bit? Please? *Massive story inside*:

Happy birfday! (It's like a birthday, but pronounced with an 'f'. I'm not sure how that changes things.)

But yeah! Happy Bir(f/th)day! (And New Year!)

 3577 D Jay 32, Sun, 5th Jan '14 7:52:03 PM from Cornwall Relationship Status: Wanna dance with somebody
Matkaopas
OH HEY WOW THANK YOU VERY MUCH I LOVE EVERYONE

In case people are wondering now, the therapy is at a bit of a standstill as I wait to be referred to more specialized therapists. Because the one I was going to wasn't really trained to work with PTSD or abuse or.. whatever you'd call my problems. So eventually I'll get contacted by the specialized people and then that'll resume.

Let me tell you what movies I've seen recently. There was The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (I am definitely enjoying the Hobbit films more than I did the LOTR films), The Big Lebowski (THAT WAS FREAKING INTERESTING), and The Three Colours Trilogy (I'm still trying to process those films, what an enlightening visceral experience!). I also played through Grand Theft Auto V at some point (maybe it's just me but I happen to think GTA V's story was perfect and the presentation worked immensely in its favour; the inclusion of Trevor as a static protagonist sold the game for me and really solidified its themes of capitalist satire), and I'm now reading James Joyce's.. well, his entire bibliography, really. And I'm still inching through Tolstoy's Anna Karenina.

..yeah, the only reason I'm talking so much about media here is because I'm rather bummed out and just want to distract myself. I'm really happy to have this thread and just gah I can't express enough how much I love that TV Tropes even lets this thread remain even though it's really just become a glorified blog. It is great to know everyone and everything and what am I trying to say. I think tonight's just one of those nights, a regression. Maybe I'm just hungry.

'Cause that's another thing! I still often forget to eat! ^^; I don't know whether it's because of the.. questionable amount of food I got way back in the early days of this thread, or if it's for other reasons entirely, but sometimes I will just completely forget that that hunger in me that's burning my feelings up deserves to be satiated just like anyone else's hunger does. I will just assume that there is nothing to eat and then mope around, getting worse. And that's something I've very much been trying to work on over the years, and I actually have gotten much better with it. But this might be a case where I slipped.

..so yeah, I'll go get some food, but I felt like putting that in this thread in case it's another thing people might be interested in about.. well, my life? I dunno.

Thank you again for the birthday wish and thanks everyone, as always, for your kind words!
Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)
 3578 Madrugada, Sun, 5th Jan '14 8:20:01 PM Relationship Status: In season
Zzzzzzzzzz
Good to hear from you dJay. smile And happy belated birthday!

edited 5th Jan '14 8:20:24 PM by Madrugada

...if you don’t love you’re dead, and if you do, they’ll kill you for it.
 3579 D Jay 32, Thu, 6th Feb '14 1:07:31 PM from Cornwall Relationship Status: Wanna dance with somebody
Matkaopas
Okay, this of all incidents needs to be put on this thread.

I thought all my symptoms over the past few years were a sign I already had PTSD. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, but I had clearly forgotten that PTSD properly kicks in a significant amount of time after all trauma and abuse has stopped, more like a period of one, two, or three years. Well, turns out today was the lucky day. I started off with a flashback or two earlier, I could deal with those properly, just needed to relax. Later, as I laid down to sleep, I got the biggest, most vivid, most painful flashback/panic attack combination I've ever had. Lasted an hour. I pretty much relived almost everything I've ever been through. I was barely even conscious for most of it, but whether due to fear or sleep paralysis for all I fucking know I couldn't move even if I tried, I could just stare at the wall and remember. Then came the loud screams of "IT'S STILL HAPPENING, HELP ME." I don't actually know if I shouted it out loud or if it was just in my head, but it convinced me for the time being that everything really was happening in real-time.

By the time I recovered from this, I just.. well, I didn't know what the hell to think. I had to remind myself where I am in life, how far I've come, how much love I now have, all the reasons to be proud of myself.

And then I worked up the courage to go to the doctor about this. I told her everything that happened, and I also told her that the therapists I was supposed to be signed up for back in early December never contacted me. She assured me she'd bring me up to the therapists and the like she'll be meeting with next week. She also prescribed me some medication to help me with anxiety and to help me sleep.

Then I told my parents about what happened. They were very concerned and only wanted to make sure I was as relaxed as possible.

I'm better now. I've calmed down a lot and relaxed considerably. But I just wanted to let you guys know about this development.
Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)
 3580 Blue Ninja 0, Thu, 6th Feb '14 1:18:54 PM from The Middle of Nowhere Relationship Status: Non-Canon
Plotting my Escape
Glad to hear your doctor is taking everything seriously. Hopefully with her taking you, the therapists won't be able to forget about you.
I'm going to get killed becuase some guy saw me walk out of a Subway eating a foot long shotgun - Mousa
Stay strong. I know you can. You have already gotten yourself through the worst. While the memories can be painful, I know you are strong enough not to let them affect you too much.

Remember: You Are Not Alone
He who fights bronies should see to itthat he himself does not become a brony. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, Pinkie Pie gazes Also
 3582 Latverian Badger, Thu, 6th Feb '14 10:45:23 PM from The Woolie Hole Relationship Status: How YOU doin'?
Dandy
This is most definitely normal for someone who's gone through the stuff you did. Don't worry about it none.

It's just great that you're doing as good as you are.
"The gods have farted in my general direction." - Matt, Two Best Friends Play
 3583 soban, Fri, 7th Feb '14 2:51:36 AM from The Park Relationship Status: Buried in snow, waiting for spring
Feeder Of Pigeons
Keep pressing on. You can do get through it.
As is in accordance with prophecy.
 3584 Xopher 001, Fri, 7th Feb '14 4:04:36 AM from 38.5061° N, 76.5177° W Relationship Status: Too sexy for my shirt
Avatar drawn By Daft Punch
-hugs dJay-
3DS friend code:4940-5537-4719; skype- crucifixal-burden; twitter- @pricekr; Steam- x0ph3roo1; Youtube- Xopher000
 3585 Achaemenid, Fri, 7th Feb '14 7:53:39 AM from Mitakihara Town, Copenhagen Relationship Status: You can be my wingman any time
Za naszą i waszą wolność
Best of luck to you man. Glad to see the Doc's giving you some help. Keep buggering on. [tup]
A time of hope and desperation...

VIVE L'EMPEREUR!
 3586 bookworm 6390, Fri, 21st Feb '14 5:07:03 PM Relationship Status: Abstaining
-hugs Djay-

 3587 D Jay 32, Tue, 25th Feb '14 2:28:27 AM from Cornwall Relationship Status: Wanna dance with somebody
Matkaopas
Thanks as usual for the kind words, everyone. *hugs to Xopher and bookworm*

Just came back from the doctor. Apparently the reason my last therapy thing didn't work out was because I was sent to a group that had lost their funding and kinda fell apart? Anyway, I'm signed up for some sort of local therapy now. Ten sessions. After that, I'll be put onto some more intensive kind of therapy proper. So I'm happy with this.

In case anyone's wondering, I've been tapering in and out of depression and anxiety lately. It's nothing unexpected; I'm filming a series with friends and we're putting our all into it, and through this I'm meeting and interacting with people I don't know. What definitely did not help was we decided to have a four-day sleepover of about twelve people at a friend's house in order to power on through some of the harder parts of filming, and naturally the idea of living in a house with twelve people who are mostly just friends of a friend kinda triggered some bad parts of me. So this past week's been a mixture of coping with the after-effects of those triggers along with some strange existential stuff I'm still.. wrapping my mind around.

..what the hell, I'll be honest and emotional. Judge me all you want, whether you're actual people or just my own self-judgement.

I've danced around this for a while, but it looks like the damage my past did to me hasn't really made much recovery. I was able to soldier through the last few years thanks to naivete and that couple-year grace period between abuse and PTSD, but.. well, the patches in the plaster are starting to show. I don't know how much of it I can take. The flashbacks and invasive thoughts have me legitimately unsure of my surroundings or what year/month/day/time it is. And that lovely coping method of mine that had given me the ability to make it through everything and talk about things with such a straight face, that devil in angel's clothing, has revealed itself as depersonalization and now not a day goes by that I'm certain who I am. I'm not sure what my emotions are, I don't associate mentions of "Jordan" or even "DJay" with myself anymore, I'm just... a fictional character. I know I'm real, but deep down inside I just feel like I'm watching a movie that never ends. The credits should have rolled two years ago, but I'm stuck in the cinema staring at a screen I'm not sure is even playing anything sometimes.

I just. I grew up wrong. Then afterwards, when I had the grace period of some semblance of stability, I made the wrong choices and have doomed myself to a stagnant eternity. But the logical part of me knows I made those choices for good reasons, but the louder part of me quotes "The path to Hell is paved in good intentions, " but the stubborn part of me retorts with "I'd rather reign in Hell than serve in Heaven, " but the horny part of me shouts "Depends who I'm serving" and then I just get confused and feel guilty for some reason that my subconscious won't let me know easily. The scariest part is not this psychological fragmentation, nor is it the cyclic nature of my memories integrating with what I think reality is, and it's not even the fact that I've been having more and more and more and more and more suicidal thoughts. The scariest part is that the suicidal thoughts don't scare me. They don't even evoke disagreement. They are treated, by every part of me, as logical suggestions, and the only reason I can ever think of as to why I don't comply is that I'm not ready in the mood. This is the same reasoning I use for why I don't, say, watch a movie or do some reading: I'm not in the mood.

And to top it all off, there's a part of me that's happy to be in a depression because at least it means I'm feeling something consistent. But I don't want this. I don't want any of this. I want an Out-of-Character Moment that lasts the rest of my life.

At the risk of sounding pretentious by invoking mythology, I hope Vainamoinen was wrong about Kullervo. I hope some abused children can grow up and recover.

..but that's just me getting wordy again. I still can't believe this thread remains existing and am always grateful. At least someone will listen. And soon I'll have therapists to listen too. I'm sorry for the vent post.

edited 25th Feb '14 2:29:00 AM by DJay32

Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)
 3588 Blue Ninja 0, Tue, 25th Feb '14 6:38:53 AM from The Middle of Nowhere Relationship Status: Non-Canon
Plotting my Escape
[up] I don't think there's much I can say to help. I still have issues with depression and suicidal thoughts myself, if rarer than I did when I was in high school and attempted. Once the project is done, it is something you'll be able to look back on with pride, and sometimes that helps too. Either way, we're here to listen to the venting.

I'm just... a fictional character.
That sounds like the summary for a Self Insert story about someone who knows they're just a Self Insert.
I'm going to get killed becuase some guy saw me walk out of a Subway eating a foot long shotgun - Mousa
 3589 Madrugada, Tue, 25th Feb '14 7:01:32 AM Relationship Status: In season
Zzzzzzzzzz
dJay...

you said something that really resonates with me and that I want to address: "The cracks in the plaster are starting to show..."

Yes, they are. Here's an unpleasant fact: there will always be cracks in the walls there. The plaster won't always hold, and you'll be re-patching patches and making alterations the rest of your life. Because the damage has been done and can't be undone, it can only be smoothed over and worked around. The best that you can hope for is to find a fix that works, that holds without constant attention or replacement. Therapy won't make it all better. Therapy will help you make a better patch for the damage.

Here's another fact: Everyone has patches in their plaster. Everyone. The difference is that you are more aware of where they are, what they are, and what they're covering than many people. So you're sharply aware when those patches start to fail. This is a good thing because it means that you can re-patch and re-repair before things get horrible, because you noticed when they first start to go wrong, instead of not noticing until they've gone bad-wrong and you don't know why or when or how.

dJay, you've succeeded at the hardest and most dangerous part: you survived the abuse. Now you have the most tedious part to do: keeping up with the ongoing repair and patching on the damage that abuse left you with.

I wish I could honestly be optimistic and chipper and say "don't worry, everything will be fine." But I can't. I've walked a similar road as the one ahead of you all my life, and I'll walk it till I take my last breath. The best I can say in honesty is "You'll find a way to be OK, most of the time. And when you aren't OK, you'll be able to say 'No, I'm not OK now, but I will be. I've beaten worse, and I'll beat this, too.' You'll find ways to cope. You'll find patches that work, that hold, that are most effective with the least upkeep. And you'll find the things that you need to avoid because they don't hold a patch for crap, and you'll figure out how to recognize them far enough in advance that you can avoid them, or at least be ready when they hit.

I love you, dJay, and I respect and admire your strength. You'll make it.

...if you don’t love you’re dead, and if you do, they’ll kill you for it.
 3590 Madrugada, Tue, 25th Feb '14 7:06:18 AM Relationship Status: In season
Zzzzzzzzzz
Oh, and not to toot my own horn, but go back and reread this post. It's still absolutely true.
...if you don’t love you’re dead, and if you do, they’ll kill you for it.
 3591 Achaemenid, Tue, 25th Feb '14 10:06:14 AM from Mitakihara Town, Copenhagen Relationship Status: You can be my wingman any time
Za naszą i waszą wolność
D Jay:

All I can say is stay strong and keep the faith. I know it sounds banal in a situation like this, but somethings restating the obvious is the most important thing.

But that said, I do have to address this:

I just. I grew up wrong. Then afterwards, when I had the grace period of some semblance of stability, 'I made the wrong choices and have doomed myself to a stagnant eternity.

Nobody with mental health issues should ever feel that it was their own fault. Least of all you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If you went to your local supermarket and asked over the tannoy: "how many people here have taken medicine for a mental health issue", then 40% of the patrons would put their hands up. I would be one. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people. Sadly, you're one of those people. But your difficulties aren't your own fault by a damn sight. I went back and re-read the first post you made on this thread, waaay back in 2010 before I joined this forum. Do you think any of that was your fault? It wasn't. You've suffered in a way nobody of your age should have to suffer, and none of that is your fault.

But you have shared your experiences, which in many ways is the most important step to overcoming them. You shouldn't feel ashamed of them. If you're seeking help, you've already demonstrated a maturity and self-awareness that should equip you extremely well in the future. I admire you. It's not perhaps a view everyone will share, but I believe - from my own experience - that suffering builds character. It's not the burdens we carry that define us, but how we carry those burdens. And you have a very heavy burden and you carry it very well. How many people in your situation can say they're making their own movie with friends? Give yourself some credit, because by God you've earned it.

But chin up: You're still young. You will get over this. And you'll have many sunny days to come. Of this I am sure. And when - not if - you overcome this, you will be a better, more mature, and wiser person. I'd hire you.

The scariest part is that the suicidal thoughts don't scare me. They don't even evoke disagreement. They are treated, by every part of me, as logical suggestions, and the only reason I can ever think of as to why I don't comply is that I'm not ready in the mood. This is the same reasoning I use for why I don't, say, watch a movie or do some reading: I'm not in the mood.

Please, make sure your therapist knows about this. I know telling the truth can be hard. And if it gets bad before you meet the therapist, then seek help immediately. Don't wait.

Judge me all you want

Never.

And since this is a TV based wiki, I think I'll close with this.

(*hug)

EDIT:

[up]

I reread it too. You're damn right.

edited 25th Feb '14 10:08:06 AM by Achaemenid

A time of hope and desperation...

VIVE L'EMPEREUR!
 3592 D Jay 32, Tue, 25th Feb '14 11:23:29 AM from Cornwall Relationship Status: Wanna dance with somebody
Matkaopas
I've said it many times but I will continue saying it: I love all of you. *hugs all around* I get so close to crying when I read people's posts.

I'm definitely better now than I was when I made my last post. So yeah, hopefully there's nothing to worry about.

..god sorry hi of all things I have to keep reminding myself, it's that I started as a shy nublet wanting to learn the TVT-ropes and hoping someone out there would care and now I have a 144-page thread where even a freaking mod is consoling me. An OTC mod! Freaking OTC! Honestly, in all the communities I've been to, TV Tropes still has the best, in my opinion. And speaking as a mod/admin/somehow someone who influences the rules in other sites, where I get my code of netiquette from is OTC. So. So really, please believe me when I say it's a massive honour to have an OTC mod showing support and care, this is the kind of thing I remind myself of when I'm sad. Plus YOU ARE SO FREAKING NICE OH MY GOD

AND ARCHAE PLEASE DON'T THINK I DIDN'T NOTICE YOU IN ALL MY KISSING MOD ASS, YOUR POST WAS FANTASTIC AND WHERE ARE MY MANNERS, everyone is beautiful. I don't think the abuse was my fault, that line was more of "The decisions I made after the abuse but before now weren't the best I could have made." I think I'm still hitting myself over leaving college but then again I think I can completely see why I needed to leave. I couldn't handle that pressure! God, wow, if I thought proper adult PTSD was like hitting a brick wall now, could you imagine if I hit that wall in the middle of a college year? o___e; So okay, that wasn't the wrong decision, it was all in pursuit of therapy, which took a while but I'm finally getting it.

Better yet, it's not the wrong decision; it was my decision. Yeah, that feels more empowering! :D (Also! Thank you for the very appropriate film clip. The Dark Knight trilogy is my favourite trilogy next to Three Colours. ....and Three Flavours Cornetto which is my absolute favourite.)

I'm rambling. Which is good. Really, thank you, thank you everyone, thank you. Thank you for your kind words, thank you for being here, thank you for reading, thank you for everything I always thank you for and for everything you've done since the last time I thanked you for all that.

edited 25th Feb '14 11:24:02 AM by DJay32

Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)
 3593 Blue Ninja 0, Tue, 25th Feb '14 12:47:46 PM from The Middle of Nowhere Relationship Status: Non-Canon
Plotting my Escape
TVT-ropes
[lol]
it's a massive honour to have an OTC mod
The best mods anywhere are people who just remember that the people they're enforcing the rules on/for are people too. (But TVT and especially OTC have a really good batch, true!)
I'm going to get killed becuase some guy saw me walk out of a Subway eating a foot long shotgun - Mousa
TD Jay: A person isn't who he is despite his flaws, he is who he is because of them.

It is OK if the cracks in the plaster start showing, as long as you don't let fear of imperfection paralyze you. And I know you wont. You will use the cracks as the foundation for a great work of art. You have been through so much worse already and persevered, this is nothing compared to what you have been through.

You have what it takes to be a great man. In my opinion, you already are a great man. If I become half the man you are now, I will consider it an accomplishment to be proud of.

edited 25th Feb '14 5:16:22 PM by Dontcallmewave

He who fights bronies should see to itthat he himself does not become a brony. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, Pinkie Pie gazes Also
 3595 Achaemenid, Tue, 25th Feb '14 2:34:29 PM from Mitakihara Town, Copenhagen Relationship Status: You can be my wingman any time
Za naszą i waszą wolność
@D Jay

Any time. As Madrugada said: it's a privilege to be able to play even a small part in your journey.

Better yet, it's not the wrong decision; it was my decision. Yeah, that feels more empowering!

I think that's a wonderful way of putting it. You are captain of your own ship. Sometimes you'll steer into storms. Sometimes you'll run aground. But so long as you don't sink, then all isn't lost. So long as there's someone who's willing to listen, then you aren't alone. But seriously: don't think you have to tough it out. When I suffered from acute anxiety, I tried that. It turned out to be a very good way to turn acute anxiety into depression, paranoia, eating disorders and alcoholism.

My dad told me something: for every decision you make that you regret, there's someone who made the opposite decision wishing he'd followed your path. The grass isn't always greener tongue

And sure - you might make little mistakes from now and then. To err is human. Even more so when you've been through what you've been through. But you can never know if "bad" decisions were really mistakes - and it's always better to look forward than backward.

Well done.

A time of hope and desperation...

VIVE L'EMPEREUR!
Hey D Jay. I just wanted to say that you rock, you're awesome, you deserve to be happy, and I know it will all work out for you. Take care of yourself, kiddo!

 3597 D Jay 32, Tue, 29th Apr '14 1:00:00 PM from Cornwall Relationship Status: Wanna dance with somebody
Matkaopas
Hello, thread. I'm in therapy. My therapist is very nice and rather sure I have a bad case of C-PTSD. I'm being put onto the Central Mental Health Team for help with figuring out what I need, but in the meantime I have another therapy appointment in two weeks just to make sure I don't slip through the cracks this time. In the meantime, my therapist thinks I'm going to have another regression of sorts soon so I'm told to drink lots of soda and sugary drinks to keep my blood sugar high. And to relax, I'm also told that. And to let myself feel groggy and sad if it comes to that.

Figured I'd keep you guys updated.
Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)
 3598 Achaemenid, Tue, 29th Apr '14 1:08:42 PM from Mitakihara Town, Copenhagen Relationship Status: You can be my wingman any time
Za naszą i waszą wolność
Hello, thread. I'm in therapy. My therapist is very nice and rather sure I have a bad case of C-PTSD. I'm being put onto the Central Mental Health Team for help with figuring out what I need, but in the meantime I have another therapy appointment in two weeks just to make sure I don't slip through the cracks this time.

It's very good to hear that you're getting the help you need, and that you have a good, continuing relationship with your therapist. Fingers crossed! Best of luck in all things, as ever.

Figured I'd keep you guys updated.

Please do! smile

(*hug)

edited 29th Apr '14 1:09:59 PM by Achaemenid

A time of hope and desperation...

VIVE L'EMPEREUR!
thanks for the update. its always nice to know your ok
He who fights bronies should see to itthat he himself does not become a brony. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, Pinkie Pie gazes Also
 3600 Xopher 001, Tue, 6th May '14 9:27:14 AM from 38.5061° N, 76.5177° W Relationship Status: Too sexy for my shirt
Avatar drawn By Daft Punch
Geez. I just read about C - PTSD. 'A loss of a sense of self'?

I hope your ok
3DS friend code:4940-5537-4719; skype- crucifixal-burden; twitter- @pricekr; Steam- x0ph3roo1; Youtube- Xopher000
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