Thanks as usual for the kind words, everyone. *hugs to Xopher and bookworm*
Just came back from the doctor. Apparently the reason my last therapy thing didn't work out was because I was sent to a group that had lost their funding and kinda fell apart? Anyway, I'm signed up for some sort of local therapy now. Ten sessions. After that, I'll be put onto some more intensive kind of therapy proper. So I'm happy with this.
In case anyone's wondering, I've been tapering in and out of depression and anxiety lately. It's nothing unexpected; I'm filming a series with friends and we're putting our all into it, and through this I'm meeting and interacting with people I don't know. What definitely did not help was we decided to have a four-day sleepover of about twelve people at a friend's house in order to power on through some of the harder parts of filming, and naturally the idea of living in a house with twelve people who are mostly just friends of
a friend kinda triggered some bad parts of me. So this past week's been a mixture of coping with the after-effects of those triggers along with some strange existential stuff I'm still.. wrapping my mind around.
..what the hell, I'll be honest and emotional. Judge me all you want, whether you're actual people or just my own self-judgement.
I've danced around this for a while, but it looks like the damage my past did to me hasn't really made much recovery. I was able to soldier through the last few years thanks to naivete and that couple-year grace period between abuse and PTSD, but.. well, the patches in the plaster are starting to show. I don't know how much of it I can take. The flashbacks and invasive thoughts have me legitimately unsure of my surroundings or what year/month/day/time it is. And that lovely coping method of mine that had given me the ability to make it through everything and talk about things with such a straight face, that devil in angel's clothing, has revealed itself as depersonalization and now not a day goes by that I'm certain who I am. I'm not sure what my emotions are, I don't associate mentions of "Jordan" or even "DJay" with myself anymore, I'm just... a fictional character. I know I'm real, but deep down inside I just feel like I'm watching a movie that never ends. The credits should have rolled two years ago, but I'm stuck in the cinema staring at a screen I'm not sure is even playing anything sometimes.
I just. I grew up wrong. Then afterwards, when I had the grace period of some semblance of stability, I made the wrong choices and have doomed myself to a stagnant eternity. But the logical part of me knows I made those choices for good reasons, but the louder part of me quotes "The path to Hell is paved in good intentions," but the stubborn part of me retorts with "I'd rather reign in Hell than serve in Heaven," but the horny part of me shouts "Depends who I'm serving" and then I just get confused and feel guilty for some reason that my subconscious won't let me know easily. The scariest part is not this psychological fragmentation, nor is it the cyclic nature of my memories integrating with what I think reality is, and it's not even the fact that I've been having more and more and more and more and more
suicidal thoughts. The scariest part is that the suicidal thoughts don't scare me. They don't even evoke disagreement.
They are treated, by every part of me, as logical suggestions, and the only reason I can ever think of as to why I don't comply is that I'm not
in the mood. This is the same reasoning I use for why I don't, say, watch a movie or do some reading: I'm not in the mood.
And to top it all off, there's a part of me that's happy to be in a depression because at least it means I'm feeling something
consistent. But I don't want this. I don't want any
of this. I want an Out-of-Character Moment
that lasts the rest of my life.
At the risk of sounding pretentious by invoking mythology, I hope Vainamoinen was wrong about Kullervo. I hope some
abused children can grow up and recover.
..but that's just me getting wordy again. I still can't believe this thread remains existing and am always grateful. At least someone will listen. And soon I'll have therapists to listen too. I'm sorry for the vent post.
edited 25th Feb '14 2:29:00 AM by DJay32
Let me make you a mean cup of coffee. (Avatar by Rappu!)