This comes from a non star-wars fan, so I'm mostly going to review the mechanics of the story instead of the characterization. That, and I haven't read the first two chapters of your fic.
edited 27th Jan '12 6:57:52 PM by Schilcote
edited 28th Jan '12 9:26:42 AM by Leliel
edited 28th Jan '12 1:35:44 PM by iDreams
edited 3rd Apr '12 10:30:11 PM by StillbirthMachine
edited 31st Mar '12 9:02:41 PM by Saturn
edited 16th Apr '12 10:17:36 AM by arreimil
And, like glass, it shatters.
edited 28th May '12 7:04:58 PM by Nightmare24
Superheroes! What could go wrong?
edited 25th Jun '12 1:30:49 AM by Gamabunta
edited 3rd Jul '12 8:40:50 AM by BigBadBob
edited 21st Jul '12 9:46:01 PM by ManicOppressive
edited 7th Aug '12 11:16:20 AM by Journeyman
- This is just my opinion, but I think it's too long for one unbroken document - especially since we don't have pages to naturally separate it. Break it in half, maybe, that way you get two "updates" out of one script, anyway.
- I'm guessing you don't read your final drafts out loud. Not just in your head, but out loud. There are a ton of awkward phrasings that would be corrected if you'd do that.
- If it's really a sleeping bag, just cut out the middle man and have the protagonist say that instead of "bed."
- What kind of drink bottle?
- You only need one set of parentheses around "I washed each Saturday."
- You use the words "I had" twice in a row.
- This sentence...
- "In the picture," not "on the picture."
- Why would a wooden bathroom look unstable? Is it on stilts?
- You start calling his uncle "Mike" before you establish that's his name.
- You use two ellipsis in a row at one point. Don't do that.
- How can a statue be "across" a wall?
- "A rather feminine figure?" I really hope you're not using that as a euphemism for Buxom Is Better, because that's cliched as shit.
- Your characters talk like TV Teens from the '90s.
- "Homely" does not mean the same thing as "homey."
edited 16th Aug '12 3:38:43 PM by Wheezy
1. Mistakes were made.
2. I’ll be the first to admit that.
3. But contrary to what some people believe, our company’s practices are not at fault. Panel 2 PULL BACK to reveal the speech is part of a newscast playing on a wall-mounted TV. It’s sunset, and the wall around it is lit a brilliant orange. STEINMAN
1. We believe the responsibility for the incident lies with the engineers who maintained the prototype, and I’ll see that any possible negligence on their part is investigated. Panel 3 We’re looking from directly above at an Intensive Care Unit module. In the bed lies ARI, a brown woman in her late 20s with short, black hair and empty eyes, wide open and staring right up at us. She’s hooked up to several IV tubes, and an oxygen mask is taped over her mouth. Note: For the vast majority of the story, her name is just Ari. Her full name won’t be revealed until much later. CAPTION
1. I’m not supposed to be here.
2. I always thought I’d go on to a 100-K a year job and a big house in the suburbs, like my parents wanted. STEINMAN
(fainter, off panel)
1. We still hope to release the VX-3 by the scheduled date, although major changes in the design will be required... Panel 4 PULL IN on Ari’s face, which subtly begins to twitch as her eyes contract into a glare. Panel 5 CLOSE ON her left arm. Two IVs are fixed to it with tape, one going into her hand and one further up in the forearm. She grips the two of them together hard in her right hand and begins to pull. ARI
1. No. CAPTION
1. But while I was in the hospital, I realized things would never be the same. Panel 6 CLOSE ON her bare feet as she lowers them to the floor and shakily puts one in front of the other. Blood splatters on the floor around her. ARI
1. No... No... No... Panel 7 This can either be the last panel of page 1, or a page of its own, if this ever gets written in an expanded format. This would probably also be the best place to put the title and credits, whatever those end up looking like. Delirious from her medication, she stumbles wildly down the hallway of the ICU, blood spurting from both her arms and murder in her eyes. Her breath comes out in rasps. We get our first good look at her in this panel. She's about 5'7, with a surprisingly girlish face, but the lean, muscular body of a servicewoman. ARI
1. LIAR. CAPTION
1. ...And I knew what I had to do.
edited 9th Aug '12 8:02:48 AM by Wheezy
edited 16th Aug '12 5:35:08 AM by Journeyman
edited 16th Aug '12 3:37:37 PM by Wheezy