Everyone wants to be listened. Nobody wants to listen.

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.

Hi, I'm Forzare.

I'd like to help critique other peoples' works here, but really, I'm really only just starting to write for myself, and not just for school assignments.

If anyone would like to read my story, Nil, and offer some constructive criticism, it would be much appreciated.

Nil, a new sci-fi/horror story that you should read and review! (Updated 4/something) ''The gate opens.

Read only the first chapter, will probably comment on the rest later.

First of all, the obligatory spelling mistake: I turned, and saw Cody looking at my with that big stupid grin of his.

Danny has a distinct voice in his narration, which is good. The downside is that I don't particularly like that voice. He tended to go between "okay voice, mildly witty" to "somewhat annoying". It didn't help that he starts his narration by complaining about homework. Yes, I sympathise as everyone does, but that's exactly why I found it annoying. We have homework too, you know. Why am I supposed to take pity on you? (That reaction will most probably vary, though. That's just me.)

Another thing about him that annoyed me is how he asks questions to the reader and then he answers them himself. And what if I know the Krebs Cycle, asshole? What then?

But he was genuily entertaining, at times, and in general he was bearable.

A thing that I found strange is that everyone seems to be portrayed negatively. Danny's mom leaves her house completely empty of food and then does what she did on the phone, that bitch. Danny's sister comes off as spoiled and annoying, what with all the text messages and her laser tag when her brother has homework. Danny is a bit condescending to both his sister and (especially) Cody, while Cody is described as and appears to be slightly idiotic.

Also, not a criticism, but Danny's sister probably has some kind of time powers. Two hints about that and she sleeps a lot.

edited 20th Sep '11 10:55:59 AM by Dealan

My friend and have and fma collaboration fanfic if you could... http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7147863/1/Aftermath_rewritten

"Life is the most trope overdosed work. It's awesome that way"

Ok I voolunter to critique stuff.

I do have some conditions tough

1. Word limit of 1000 words per session
2. I will focus on your negative points (you won't grow if I just gush you). But I will try to highlight your good points
3. Be patient sometimes Real Life stuff gets in the way. I will try not to delay the critique more than 3 days.

edited 25th Sep '11 9:08:20 PM by FallenLegend

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.

This post was thumped by the Shillelagh of Whackingness

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am...

I like the voice. I don't think gender should be as obvious in 1st as it is in 3rd, do don't worry.

www.kingdomsofevil.com http://bensen-daniel.deviantart.com/ https://twitter.com/bensen_m

Thanks :). I still kind of would like it to be obvious in this one though, since her female-ness becomes relevant very soon, and it would be kinda jarring if the reader was taken by surprise.

I suppose men don't "blush" though, do they? :P

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am...

This scene is supposed to have a impact because it confirms how creepy their relationship is and is one of many that is supposed to show that William has serious problems, but I don't know if it's working all that well. I'm also not sure if I should keep the last sentence or not.

edited 29th Sep '11 10:51:02 PM by snowfoxofdeath

Warm hugs and morally questionable advice given here. Prosey Bitchfest

... yeah, that definitely is creepy. I don't feel that William is threatening, but he does need help.

To be specific, it doesn't really get all that creepy until the second-to-last paragraph. William was kinda going back and forth between sweet and "you need help, buddy", then when I got to that paragraph the whole thing landed solidly in creepy.

edited 29th Sep '11 10:43:10 PM by Merlo

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am...

Merlo, I think your narrator could go either way, but if I didn't know and had to guess, I would have said female. You have some nice wording in there, like "I copied Anders' visual," that feels more female.

My one beef was the second half of this sentence:

You don't need it; the gesture speaks for itself.

Thanks, jewelleddragon. If you don't mind me asking, how exactly is a certain wording more female? What would a male version of "I copied Anders' visual" look like?

edited 29th Sep '11 11:28:33 PM by Merlo

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am...

It just feels female because she's copying the usually-straight-male "huge tits" gesture; I'd generally think of a male character as just doing the gesture, rather than copying someone doing it.

Ah, I see what you mean.

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am...

Okay, I'm sort of Thread Hopping here, and I'm not sure what the current way of doing this is since the thread's seemed to go from posting what you want critiqued, to posting a summary of it, and then back to just posting it, but here it goes.

My story's about a 10 year old girl who sneaks out of her house in the middle of the night to explore a haunted house, is anyone interested in critiquing it, and if so should I PM it to you, or just post it here?

"I wish I could write as mysteriously as a cat." —Edgar Allen Poe

It depends how long it is. The Critique Club (this thread) now tends to be used for shorter pieces— usually snippets that don't exceed a thousand words. For longer works that have a fair chunk of the writing done, use Uncle Drunkie's beta thread. For anything else, press 6. If you wish to speak to one of our representatives, please stay on the line.

Thanks for the all fish!

Well...I've been lurking this thread for a while...so...I guess I'll give this a try. *is nervous* ;._.

Here's the first chapter of The Chaos. I hope it's not too much trouble.

This is totally not your fault, but I hate Free Text Host's "rancid Pepto-Bismol" colour scheme. Yech.

Anyway, masterofchaos, I wrote a critique. I'm only trying to help, so please don't take this personally.

1. There's some classic telling instead of showing going on. It's a constant problem— you tell us that Nick is tired, that he's sad his dad left, that he gets along with his sister, that he eases up to Adam, etc. etc. For instance, instead of flat-out telling us Nick's tired, show it with details and actions. You could have him yawn after the bell goes off, rub his eyes, then pry himself out of his desk after everyone else has left, dragging his bookbag along the floor. Give the audience some credit— if you give sufficient info, they can make out what's happening without you spelling it out.

In some places, you do show but then add unnecessary telling, as if we couldn't guess the intention. Like when Nick spins his sister around and calls her princess. That's showing; from the action and dialogue, the reader understands that Nick loves his little sister. That's good. You could leave it there, and we'd get it. Instead, you go on to explain that they get along, then further explain that Nick doesn't get along with his mom. Why? Just cut the telling and add scenes displaying the friction between Nick and mom (you actually have some of that when Nick speaks to his mom later, but it could probably use more).

2. Some of the characters seem unconvincing. The teacher is one— her dialogue is forced, rather than flowing. Think about this as a real situation— how would this play out if your classroom? What reactions would these two people have? There's also telling in the dialogue, which sounds unnatural. The mom is another—some of her dialogue just doesn't sit well with me. Things like "Why do you ignore my pleas?" and "Fine. Don't respond," sound a bit formal and stilted to me, especially from a mom to her son (unless she was being facetious, but I don't get that impression).

3. Nick seems a bit... empty as a character. He's very passive— he reacts instead of acting. For instance, whenever he enters a conversation, the other character instigates it, not him. He doesn't go see his teacher— his teacher asks to see him. He doesn't suggest going to the skate park— his friend does. He doesn't start a fight with his mom— she confronts him. Being a passive character is not necessarily a bad thing, it does mean he's rather dull. I mean, he doesn't do anything. Protagonists need to do things!

And then there's the fact he's just so darn nice. He gets along easily with Adam, a kid with (possibly) special needs. If you've ever worked with someone with special needs, you know that other kids rarely interact with them, and when they do it's usually a little bit tentative. He loves his sister and gets along with her. He doesn't get along with his mom, but he never confronts her about it, and when they have a disagreement, he just sort of stands there. Same with his teacher— she tells him he's failing and he barely reacts. Nick clearly isn't a sociopath, so he needs to have some reaction to these things. And yes, he's sad that his dad and brother are gone, but it doesn't show— he keeps all that locked up so it doesn't bother anyone. Not even the reader.

It's okay to have a character have unpleasant emotions, like anger, worry, nervousness, and sadness. Obviously you don't want to venture into Wangst territory, but you also don't want an automaton. I get very little sense of Nick's personality other than he gets along with everyone he meets and has no personal drive. Not the most interesting heroic dynamics.

4. "A lot of crazy things have been happening here lately." Like what? Details! And better than telling us about them, show some of them. Maybe Nick could run into something weird on his way home. Maybe his sister could complain about something he thinks is a tall tale. Maybe his friend could. (It's usually better for the protagonist to experience things first-hand, though.)

5. Setting— where are they? You give some minor setting information, but think about adding more details— Nick starts out in a classroom, but what class was it? What's special about the room? What neighbourhood does he live in? What kind of house does he have? I don't know if he lives in a trailer park or a mansion. Details!

6. Foreshadowing/suspense: Another problem with telling instead of showing— it kills tension! You tell us that Nick's dad left and his brother is dead in the first scene. It would be a lot more interesting if you cut that line and made subtle references until you finally reveal one or the other. For example, you could have the teacher ask if his dad;s coming to pick him up and Nick bristling and saying, "No." That would be a clue that something's up with his dad, but the audience wouldn't know right off the bat— we want to know, and suddenly we're interested in the story and finding out why Nick was so curt about his dad.

There's also some instances of foreshadowing that are far too blunt to take seriously. One example: "As the two walked away, hand in hand, Nick had a feeling in the back of his mind that they were going to see each other much sooner than he thought. Much, much sooner." Nick had a feeling? No! Don't have your character "have a feeling" about anything, ever. It's telling and it's sloppy. Bad writer, no biscuit. Cut it. Cut it quickly and mercilessly.

There are other bits and bobs I could comment on, but those are the main point I think you should focus on for now.

Main suggestions: Slow down— take time to build up space, character, and narrative. Stop telling— convey the information you want through action and dialogue. You've got the bones of a story, but you need to add narrative muscles. Beef 'er up!

Thanks for the all fish!

Dialogue of young children (Dell and Asli). <11. Does it sound good?

Read my stories!

NO!

Just kidding. Nia's not a kid, right? 'Cause her dialogue is older, but the others seem pretty young. I do question! The use of! All the exclamation marks! Though! *

Even kids don't speak with all that enthusiasm, and it's a bit annoying to read. (!) I like the end gag.

edited 30th Sep '11 5:35:14 PM by Ronka87

Thanks for the all fish!

Yeah. Nia is 13. Although a bit of a young adult. I didn't notice the exclamation points. Huh. Gonna have to edit that. I guess I always picture kids talking in an enthusiastic manner.

Read my stories!

Thank you so much for your feedback, Ronka. It really, REALLY means a lot to me.

I'll be sure to look over this chapter and fix my mistakes.

edited 30th Sep '11 5:44:10 PM by Masterofchaos

I'd like to see someone's opinion about the beginning of the first chapter of my third book. Right now, I'm more interested in critiques about prose than plot itslef, because very little can be known about the plot from this fragment, and because it was originally written in Portuguese and I'd like to know how good I am at translation. All that needs to be known is that this is part of the backstory of the villain (he is responsible for this curse and several others):

Edit: The villain is not this character. In fact, this is just one of the many characters tormented by this villain.

If someone's interested, I might translate the whole chapter.

edited 8th Oct '11 6:27:47 AM by Teraus

"You cannot judge a system if your judgement is determined by the system."

Yay Ronka is great critiquer :). I am not as good as him. But I will try to help.

I am a mexican. My grammar might not be the best. But I will do my best (focusing on the plot a bit) (no rhyme intended)

Negative

1. I think the beginning could use more explanation. yes he is very kind. But it would be much better if you could give examples of his kindness.
2. This leads to a problem when you tell us that his "personality changed".We never knew him in the first place. Then his "change" is a bit meaningless to the audience.

Neutral

1. perhaps more details about his loved one would make his dilema more meaningful to the audience.
2. more details about the people he lost would help too.Unless you are being ambiguous on purpose.

Positive

1. Nice hook at the beginning. You crete a good feeling of mystery about his curse and his origins.
2. The dilema your villain has is very interesting. destroying to protec, thats a great idea

edited 7th Oct '11 11:17:55 PM by FallenLegend

Make your hearth shine through the darkest night; let it transform hate into kindness, evil into justice, and loneliness into love.

Sorry, I should have explained a bit more:

Doom is not the villain. He is a character that was cursed by the villain. There are many like him. That's why he wasn't detailed further: he isn't going to appear in the story anywhere else, he is there only to show what the villain has done in the past. I guess that would be more clear if I had translated the whole chapter.

Thanks, anyway. But that's why I asked for a critique on prose specifically, the actual story of the villain is told in three books.

edited 8th Oct '11 7:01:17 AM by Teraus

"You cannot judge a system if your judgement is determined by the system."