Twilight Writing Exercise Sounding Board

I hope this is the right place to put this; I'm a bit confused.

I have always been fascinated by Twilight, not necessarily by its content but by its place as a cultural phenomena. I have begun an experiment "rewriting" Twilight, so to speak. Well, everything but Breaking Dawn. Even I am not dumb enough to touch that.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6495098/1/Twilight_Redux

However, this task is long and difficult and I would appreciate some input from the lovely tropers I have been lurking amongst for the last two or three years.

If you hate Twilight, why, specifically, do you dislike it and what should be changed? If you enjoy the series, what should be retained? Is there a definite difference that you can see between literature written for adults and that written for teenagers? How can a series make the jump? How do you think this experiment should end?

Any thoughts that could assist me in this undertaking would be appreciated.

[Disclaimer: Camp Queen is a fledgling scientist, and would not know how to sound casual if she took a three-week course.]

edited 22nd Nov '10 8:21:54 PM by CampQueen

The goddammed sparkles. DEAR GOD, the sparkles....

The "rape" of vampire lore has been mentioned to me several times by my friends, along with the sparkling skin. However, the changes, regardless of their quality, are an integral part of Twilight and its unique brand of vampires.

So, if we assume that any vampires related to Twilight MUST sparkle, is it at all possible that they can do so in a way that is acceptable? If it were toned down, or the explanation different, or even the circumstances for it to occur were to change, would that make it better?

If they actually flared up like a firecracker instead of just sparkling, maybe. Like actually absorbing ALL the light waves from the sun, instead of reflecting and bouncing off the skin. oh, and no diamon-like skin; just really hard skin. And make edward less-stalkerish and make bella the one whos stalking him, like getting in trouble from just being around him. oh, and cooler fights.

To be honest, my initial response to the "sparkling problem" was indeed to have it as a firecracker-like reaction to a vampire being set alight by sunlight. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of any plausible explanation for why this would occur. Maybe some sort of allergic reaction to high doses of UV rays? I suspect attempting to apply logic to any vampire might be a lost cause, though...

Do you think things may play out more believably if things with James' coven play out a bit more like the movies, where their existence is alluded to and plays a bit more of a role than in the books? I can see Bella initially becoming obsessed with Edward and figuring out what he is in the light of, shall we say, more vampiric happenings around her.

Yeah, foreshadowing is always good! Unless it gives too much away. oh, and we need to fix the trainwreck that is the fourth book. We cant have no pedophiles in a vampire book. Well, actually, yeah, but no teen ones (jacob). To be honest, Twilight's author does have a good story, but it is ruined by her dumb plot choice and weak character self-inserts.

Charlie is a great character, and deserves more of the spotlight. As he is Police Chief, I always considered that he'd be the Mr. Exposition (murder mystery-wise) of the story.

I'll be lucky to finish the first one. I wasn't planning to go past the third, at any rate. I'm not sure if I want it to end up with Jacob/Bella, Edward/Bella, or No One(gasp)/Bella. It's difficult to tell which would be most realistic; Bella's been through the most with Edward, but Jacob seems to be a better fit. It's also not impossible that she could decide that no, actually, she didn't want to live a life of deceit and move back to Phoenix. That, or she could be so emotionally exhausted by the toll the three books took on her that she does something strange and bizarre, like reveal the vampire world via You Tube. But, now I'm just being silly.

edited 22nd Nov '10 3:29:16 PM by CampQueen

i actualy like the youtube idea. I can see it now;bella gets mad at Edward for some reason, and reveals vampires to the world. Edward is then tasked with her assasination, and Jacob( still in love with her)vows that he and all the other werewolves will protect her.The story would be perfect to end with Bella alone, realising how selfish she actually is.

It would be very interesting, perhaps as an alternate ending (haha). Now I have a crack!fic idea in my head where Jacob, during his Book 3 Character Derailment, takes pictures of his buddies transforming and fighting the newborn army. He then posts them on Facebook, captioning them things like "OMG U GAIZ WEREWOLFS N VAMPIRES LOLOLOL'.

You, sir, just made my laugh of the day. Congrats. I was being serious though!!

I do admit that I greatly enjoy the idea of Bella ruining things for both herself and the Cullens (and the Quileutes by extension) through her own selfishness, as Bella's character is another common complaint.

However, strengthening Bella's character is one of the tasks I have set forth for myself, and I was hoping to tackle that particular hurdle in a... happier manner.

True!! But don't change her character cmpletely; she should stilll retain some of her selfishness and emo traits.

The first chapter that I have written so far (half of the actual first chapter in the book; I have a sneaking suspicious Mrs. Meyer was eager to get to Edward as fast as possible) is essentially a character test for Bella. What did you think?

I actually really liked it, it thought it was fantastic!! Thismight be pretty cool. How will you handle humor in this? Was there humor in the novels?

Thank you.

There was some unintentional humor in the series, but overall it seemed to take itself very seriously. The main problem with that is that we are dealing with fantastical, unrealistic, and frankly rather silly elements here. In my humble opinion, Willing Suspensionof Disbelief can be taken further if the writer (and, by extension the book)acknowledges these elements and itself as strange or out-of-place and plays with/integrates these expectations. If that made any sense at all... So, this version will likely take itself slightly less seriously.

Wow. I really do overthink things. This... might be unhealthy.

Overdoses of Twilight can do that to you man, haha. It'll go away, though. Crazy people make the best things!!

This book series...

It begins to sound more and more eldritch the more I discuss it. Nevertheless, I will press on. (haha)

I've been researching Muse and classical literature/music as well so that Bella and Edward will be able to have real discussions about their common interests and make a visible connection instead of an informed one.

Now I've only seen the movies, but if the books are anything like what I've read I have some input:

- Make Bella's circle of human friends believable. They all seem to adore Bella for no real reason. I don't mind Edward obsessing over her (he has that inability to mind read thing to get him interested), but all the others at school seem to fall for her for no real reason.

- Do some work on conflict of the story. There are antagonistic vampires, but they only play a small part in the overall action. Either expand their role or cut it entirely.

- Don't take the story too serious. Some Lampshade Hangings of the more absurd plot elements (like sparkly skin) could go a long way of making the whole series more fun.

Hmm, just realized, I sound as if I'm giving constructive criticism to the real Meyer.

I second that, especially the more action part. Didnt Meyer set up a playlist of songs she listened to while making the books? i think i rmemebr that because two or three songs by my fave bands were on there. (Brand New, tautou.My Chemical romance,Vampires Will Never hurt You, something by Taking Back Sunday I believe)

Sidewinder: -I can understand that they would show initial interest in her, being a new person in a small town, but I can't understand why she would keep their interest (by her own admission, she's shy and socially awkward). Maybe, as her relationship with Edward progresses, her relationship with her "friends" degrades to the point where it's clear they are no longer interested?

-Absolutely. Conflict is the source of drama, after all, and Twilight does come across as wanting to be a drama very, very badly.

-Absolutely. Er, again.

I quite appreciate it; I'm very serious about this project.

cutewithoutthe: I'll have to look for it. I've been using Pandora to find bands similar to Muse. It's... not my usual fare, although Hysteria is a decent song.

You could always take the chance to fix up some of the mythology in the series.

For example, do vampires really need to be able to move so fast that they're practically invisible? Or strong enough to crush iron to dust in their bare hands?

Or the werewolves. Shape-shifters. Whatever. You know, they never did make any sens to me. Why don't they shift on the full moon? Why do they turn into wolves? Oh, they're shapeshifters. Then why are there no other shapeshifters around? Is there no tribe of werebears around? Would the wolves never contact them?

I think it's best for the vampires to get a bit of a nerf, though taking the powers(excessive though they may be) they were given in canon away completely would probably be unwise. Enhanced abilities for vamps is not precisely a new concept, although they are generally more... subtle.

The werewolves make no sense to me whatsoever. I don't actually want to get into their mythos at all, though I will likely have to. From what I can figure out, they're limited animorphs (so to speak) whose powers are only activated when vampires are present. That's very odd. I'm not sure what to make of it, as stated, or how to deal with it.

threadhopping to toss in my two cents...

-1: A good place to start is making Edward and Bella's relationship less of an abusive, self-destructive one. Seriously; that series should have been called "Domestic Abuse for Dummies". Alternately, actually have her end up with Jacob for a while; it's justified, and when Bella dropped him like a hot rock I almost put the book down and walked away.

-2: A good many of Meyer's additions to the myths (the native american tie-in with werewolves especially, though White Wolf kinda did it first at least in pop culture) are all right; yes the sparkly vampires should be terminated with extreme prejudice, but the rest of it could be kept with some mods.

-3: Imprinting. I'd say throw it out...it could probably be done (the Leah Clearwater tragedy was a nice touch, though making her such a bitch because she didn't like Bella almost ruined it) but on the whole it is one of the big beefs non-fans have with the series.

-4: The little vampire child. Good christ, that's a mother's fantasy...a baby that never cries, that always lets you know what it wants, that never misbehaves and makes everyone love it - need I go on? The infant could be chucked without derailing the series any, and I'd say do it. I won't even mention the Jacob/Nessie imprinting train-wreck.

-5: This one's obvious, but I'll say it anyway (not trying to insult your intelligence by doing so)....People. Should. Dislike. Bella. And. Not. Suffer. Oh, and maybe have a few SYMPATHETIC characters who don't think she's all that and a bowl of biscuits. There, I got that off my chest. I feel better now.

That's all I can think of ATM, going to go read your attempt a little. By the way, I've read all four books, and I agree with you they have potential and I see why you'd want to attempt this project; Meyer's a decent writer who needs to take herself out of her stories, and perhaps someone else tackling the plot will erase the badness. Good luck!

EDIT: Ok, read it. Not bad, in fact quite good; Bella's a snarky teen without being obnoxious, and you do the awkward conversation thing well (though the word "awkward" comes up a few too many times). It moves a little slow; I'd say maybe trim some words here and there, but not too much as I did enjoy the characterizations. Also tossing in a little of what Bella looks like was a good touch. I think I'll be checking back, you've got my curiosity piqued if nothing else.

Oh, and I did prefer your start to Meyer's.

edited 22nd Nov '10 7:53:59 PM by drunkscriblerian

Threadhopping is good!

1. Yes, I can see where Bella and Edward's relationship could be interpreted as abusive. It's certainly codependent, and a little forced. "Abusive" was not my first thought while reading the story as, strangely, it is very similar to the relationships I'd seen in high school (for good or ill). It seemed more immature, like they were desperately clinging to each other and putting up with unsavory behavior simply because they didn't know what else to do. A man who'd gone over a hundred years without ever being in love, and a girl old enough to fall in love but too young to know what to do about it. If they'd been in their twenties or thirties, it may have been a different interpretation.

That's just what rattles around in my head on the matter. It's probably nonsense.

2. Believe me when I say that I would love to rewrite the story in a way that reeked of Orlok and Dracula, but that wouldn't fit at all with the mythos of Twilight. I think it would be more of an accomplishment to take the sillier elements and implement them in a way that makes them believable, not just discard them entirely. If that is completely impossible then I suppose I will have to admit defeat and cut them, but I fully intend to try my hardest until that point. Can you think of any way at all that you could believe that vampires sparkled and werewolves did... whatever is going on with the werewolves in this story?

3 and 4. I have no intention of touching Breaking Dawn, don't worry. Imprinting, if it comes up at all, would not be mentioned beyond the Emily/Leah/Sam story. I personally thought that story was one of the more intriguing parts of the series.

5. Well yes, believable characters and all that. Would it be too much of a change to have the student body in a sort of awed/scared combo reaction to the Cullens instead of worship? It always struck me that if a cliquish, oddly beautiful and oddly pale family that never showed up at school when it was sunny out and managed to be completely out of the way even in a small town were real, they would be treated with both of those things (awe of their beauty/wealth/success, and fear of their difference).

I do have a problem with repetition and spelling, both of which are probably evident. The beginning will be rather slow, as I think that Edward's appearance in the story means nothing without buildup. I'll try to keep it from being boring if I can. Thank you so much for your feedback; I really appreciate it.

It's likely I'll need a beta reader, given my inability to structure my sentences in a way that isn't needlessly confusing. Something to think about, I suppose.

edited 22nd Nov '10 8:21:02 PM by CampQueen

Your sentence structure isn't too bad, just clunky in places. You have the same problem I do; you love semi-colons and commas. (see there, I just used one) It isn't a bad thing but can be tricky to pull off, and I've heard people say that such can make a piece tiring to read.

Oh, and fun piece of Twilight trivia not a lot of people know...

The people of Forks, Washington (yes it's an actual town) absolutely despise Meyer for setting her book there, due to the legions of Twihards who come through (apparently they are kind of obnoxious or something). The city doesn't mind the revenue, but a good many of the residents want to shoot every Twilight fan ever (starting with Meyer). A friend of mine told me this story...

One morning, people discovered two blow-up sex dolls (dressed as Edward and Bella) hanging from a tree just outside of town; by "hanging" I mean "hanging by nooses". There was a sign stuck in the ground that read "WELCOME TO FORKS. TWILIGHT FANS WILL BE KILLED AND EATEN".

The incident was hushed up; I guess the city council or mayor or somebody was worried that Meyer might take offense. But it makes an amusing story, no?