Your Funniest Tabletop Story

This is more meta than funny, but in this M&M game I'm playing, one of the villains had some sort of Luck Manipulation, but his luck ran out and he got ganked by some other villain. My character found his pair of dace, and rolled them out of curiosity, and as it turned out, I had to roll to see what he rolled.

I'm still giggling over it.

My Paladin got accidentally drunk at a party once. Someone threw magic alcohol at him, and somehow all of it hit him in the face and made it down his throat (I'd rolled a 1 for dodge).

I would come to realize that my d20 just hated me.

So Im in a new campaign that's set in the same world as the DM 's old campaign but the players are all different (except for the DM 's brother). And the DM keeps comparing us to his old group which didnt think about things so hard. Here's a couple of the comparisons that have happened so far:

• The DM introduces the party to the city of light where he describes the street lamps as containing miniature suns.
  • old party's reaction: That's cool.
  • new party: Miniature suns?! Must be some high level wizards in this city. Do the people wear sunscreen? So the lamps have glass that block the uv rays? Does everyone have a tan or skin cancer?
    • DM 's reply to us: theyre not actually suns theyre more like dancing lights that look like suns.
• night falls in the city of lights and from the central tower emerges a huge sun lamp, night never comes to the city of light.
  • old party: so does that mean we never have to sleep?
    • dm: What? No.
  • new party: Well, I guess there aren't any homeless in this city. I bet that's what it was built to do: to drive the homeless out of the city.
    • dm: yeah sure.

edited 18th Sep '16 8:59:06 AM by Braincogs

Not sure of this is genuinely funny or funny because Karma but whatever.

So, my GM had this Paladin PC that he was playing was the classic 'asshole Paladin' though it was clearly intentional (and the GM even told us so) and was pretty much Miko Miyazaki from Order of the Stick.

My Rouge who was NG/CG was constantly accused of stealing, which is not far from the truth as he was essentially 'Lupin the 3rd if he was FABULOUS' and getting sick of this shit. In character, of course. Well, for me. Both the TN Sorcerer and the CG Eldritch Knight and their players were getting pissed about it. The TN Sorcerer's player said the Paladin reminded him of his old boss from his first job. The Eldritch Knight's player was reminded of one of his asshole family members.

The Paladin was doing shit that any player who wanted to play smart would despise. She woke up the orc tribe when all we wanted to do was blitzkrieg that shit, she ruined our ambush of the slaver caravan we were following and she almost made a Total Party Kill a thing when we stumbled upon a poorly disguised RED DRAGON (The DM failed his role) and the Paladin tried to challenge it. And by tried, I mean she barely opened up her mouth before our Wizard casted Flesh To Stone and killed the damn thing before anything bad happened. And we jumped from level 7 to 12.Good times.

So to get revenge on us for 'ruining' the ending he had planned, the DM decided that having a cult of dragon worshiping Barbarians with a Brown Dragon that they captured at their back and call was a good idea. I had my Rouge sneak in the village at night where the villagers were too tired and drunk and/or drugged up to spot me and I talked to the dragon.

Rouge: Hey, you up?

BD: GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU WORTHLESS MONKEY.

Rouge: Is that anyway of treating of your savior? *The Rouge holds up the key to the dragon's enchanted collar.* I could just leave you here...

Me: I'm going to roll for bluff... 20! Awesome!

The GM grows pale and the expression on his face is combination of worry and fear.

BD: No! Look, uh if you free me I'll offer anything you want! All my gold is yours, please just free me!

Rouge: I don't want your gold. I need a favor.

BD: Anything! These people are going to just let me waste away here.

Rouge: Wow, I didn't even say what you had to do and you jumped on the deal. Whatever. I need you to kill a Paladin down the hill from where we are. There are other people but don't kill them or at least try not to. After that, you can travel far away from here. After that and if we meet up again, we can kill each other then.

BD: Deal.

I unlocked the collar and ran toward the camp and woke up the party except the Paladin because she failed a spot check in an earlier quest to spot poison that out her in a coma.

The GM was pissed but understood why. He made her insufferable to the point everyone including the Cleric was telling her to knock her shit off.

You gotta start somewhere.

Well, there goes your good alignment. Ditching the Paladin would be fine, but murdering him is evil, no matter how much of an asshole he is. Also, your DM seems awfully unlucky. I mean how else does a dragon (with good saves all around) fail the save for a spell cast by 7th-level Wizard? And how in hell does a 7th-level Wizard cast a 6th-level spell (even a scroll is iffy, the wizard would have to retrieve it and use it before the paladin opened his mouth)?

what he said. At worst, a NG/CG character would probably only get the dragon to scare the living oath out of the Paladin. Getting the dragon to eat a team member because they're a jackass is an evil move.

Hitokiri in the streets, daishouri in the sheets.

I believe that the saying "even the nicest people have their limits for bullshit" can be used in regards to that story.

No joke: I had a player in one of my games who played a Paladin who was kind of a prick, and when I showed him that story he said he would have done something like that. Falling be damned, that other paladin was clearly being Lawful Stupid the entire time and would have not lasted more than a game session with my usual party/parties of adventurers.

edited 19th Sep '16 11:52:38 AM by BlackSunNocturne

TBH, I and along with the Sorcerer and Eldritch Knight were in full Old Man Henderson mode for that quest and that Paladin was less Lawful Stupid and more Lawful Evil.

My character was beyond furious with her as she forced him to be more or less forced him to be a Boxed Crook and by that I mean an indentured servant who gets payed if at all. And was the reason why his NPC boyfriend went to prison and died there? I made enough money for the my Rouge to bail him out but she wouldn't fucking let me and pretty much forced him to let him suffer.

To be fair to the GM, the Paladin was following a custom god that was the god of justice and punishment and made her act like The Fundamentalist.

You gotta start somewhere.

Alright. Here goes.

So, I was DMing a mini-adventure while our regular DM and half the group was busy. It started with the PCs walking along a path in the woods, when suddenly (because I'm the sort of DM who likes surprising their players) a boulder rolled down the pathway in their direction! Everyone roll dexterity! That's not the funny part though. You see, the party wizard happened to fail her saving throw. So after rolling damage, I said she was essentially flattened like a pancake. Or, I tried to. I fumbled up my words, and made it sound like she was flattened by a pancake.

That became a new in-joke. As well as the giant spider arsonist.

Oh look, a ghost!

That reminds me, the party monk now has a pet giant spider. He named it Parker.

Also, session before last, the cleric got hisself a pet baby Hook Horror; a few sessions ago, the warlock went mad (with the specific effect that he is permanently incapable of taking anything seriously) and pissed on a grey ooze, which proceeded to melt part of his dick off; last session was in a tomb full of Wild Magic ^note (whenever anybody casts a spell of 1st level or higher, roll to see what random buggery happens)^note (the cleric rolled "everybody in 30 ft takes double piercing damage for 1 minute" (thankfully we weren't fighting anything that deals that), I think the warlock rolled Fog Cloud (which lasts one hour), I rolled "gain a third eye and have advantage on Perception for the next minute" and later Mirror Image, and the paladin rolled "you regenerate 5 hp at start of turns for 1 minute"); aaand I think that's all that's happened of note in the AL game lately.

i care but i'm restless, i'm here but i'm really gone, i'm wrong and i'm sorry, baby

I felt like sharing a tale of Ricard, a fighter I played during a 5e campaign.

So to start off, Ricard's backstory in a nutshell is that he's a prince who's been sheltered his whole life. The reason he's out and adventuring is because he was filled with whimsy from hero stories from the Elven ranger who was advising his father and giving him fencing lessons in secret.

His best stat was a natural 20 in charisma, followed by his 17 in INT due to his many hours spent reading history books. To contrast this, his 4 wisdom, due to him knowing nothing outside of the castle other than what he's read in a game of thrones style book I made up called 'The Tales of the Seven Princes.' On top of all this was also the fact that he was the living embodiment of Chaotic Good and Chaotic Stupid. It did not matter how dangerous the quest was, or how clearly it was a trap, he accepted literally every task given to him as long as it seemed like he was helping someone.

The first thing I wanted to share was Ricard's encounter with a swamp witch. We found her hut in the middle of the swamp (who'da guessed) after hearing tales from villagers, and we needed the hag to tell us where to find an artifact to break a curse. Our party started drawing weapons and preparing for combat... Except for Ricard, since he didn't know what a swamp witch was or that it was a bad thing. Cue our half-elf paladin attempting to explain that witch's are "Evil spell-casting hags who inhabit the swamps." Ricard blew this off as people judging people on appearance and proceeded to calmly tell his party to put their weapons away, since it was rude to walk into someone's home with weapons drawn, and calmly walked into the witch's hut.

Our chaotic-neutral thief declared Ricard "Officially the biggest dumb-ass he'd ever met," and convinced the rest of the party to wait for the hag to get distracted by him before jumping into finish her off and rescue Ricard. Inside the hut, Ricard started a casual conversation with the witch, not realizing her responses all carried hints of "I'm going to cook and eat you alive." The best part of the whole exchange was when the witch offered a drink that had a charm spell cast on it, forcing me to roll a will save or be put under the witch's control. With 4 wisdom, my will save was complete and udder shit. The table's face when I rolled a nat 20,, Ricard kindly thanked the witch for the drink, and guzzled the whole mug.

At this point the witch was starting to get annoyed by the naive warrior who had wandered into her home, and when she was asked what she would like in exchange for the amulet's location, she replied that she would enjoy having me for dinner, and began to pull out a knife. Before she could finish Ricard casually replied "I apologize but we don't have time. Is there anything else I could do?" Both the DM and the witch just kinda stared at me dumbfounded. After a few seconds of silence, I piped up "Your hut is rather dirty and out of order, I could clean it up for you." Another few seconds of silence from the DM, before he asked me to roll a charisma check.

Nat 20 baby.

Witch mutters that that was okay, and Ricard got to scrubbing. Party eventually decided to stop waiting and burst through the door, only to be greeted by Ricard scrubbing a cauldron, and casually discussing horse racing with the witch. A few words are exchanged and the rest of my party awkwardly decide to head back to the village and scrounge up some extra supplies while Ricard did whatever the hell he was doing. Ricard scrubbed that house top to bottom, rearranged all the herbs hanging from the ceiling, sorted and stocked all of her vegetables, and even went out back and fixed her garden.

The kicker of the whole ordeal was that through all of this, Ricard managed to accidentally seduce the swamp hag, and she invited him to bed. Ricard, having no idea what sex was, politely declined because he had to be on his way with his quest. With some resistance she handed over the location of the artifact and watched wistfully out the window as Ricard went back to town.

Our druid spit out his drink when Ricard actually made it back alive. The entire table had a good laugh about it, and the witch wasn't brought up again, until another session about half-a-year later. Our thief had been falsely accused by a spiteful Lord who hated our parties guts, and the only way he would get a pardon was if one us won a tournament that was taking place in the following weeks. Our party chose Ricard because he was the best melee fighter, and then passed the time until the tournament. While we waited, flyers and advertisements of all kinds circulated around the land about the tournament, most of which brought attention to the fact that a genuine prince would be competing.

One day while passing the time, we caught a glimpse of the guards apprehending the swamp hag. The guards only replied with a Flat "What" when Ricard explained that she was his guest to the tournament. (She wasn't invited by him, he just couldn't stand the guards trying to arrest her.) Ricard spent the rest of the day casually showing her around the city as many passers-by looked on in confusion. Eventually the party ran into the currently reigning arena champion, the lord's son. He had come to gloat in Ricard's face, but eventually fell into insulting the fact that he was keeping a witch as company. Ricard responded to these insults by tossing his gauntlet into his face, and challenging him to a duel for the witch's honor.

I can't even begin to imagine what happened to the messenger who had to deliver the news that the lord's son had been killed for insulting a swamp hag.

Later, once the campaign had ended proper, Ricard went on to become king and ended up making the swamp hag his adviser. It was agreed upon by the whole group that despite the numerous people Ricard ended up catching the eyes of, he never married.

Sorry if that was super long, first time sharing a story and I wanted to try and give Ricard's bullfuckery some justice.

Dead for the foreseeable future. Towergirls will return when I do.

I can't help but imagine Richard as Will Turner crossed with The Dread Pirate Roberts.

.... Okay. I just have to say this: Ricard isn't Chaotic Stupid.

He's an Idiot Hero, emphasis on IDIOT, but not exactly Chaotic Stupid.

However, that story was brilliant, I was lol'ing the entire time through. He was literally Too Dumb to Fool, and that was brilliant

I'm picturing him as some big-eyed shonen lead. Friendship!

edited 24th Sep '16 12:20:53 AM by rikalous

Satoshi/Ash Ketchum?

@BlackSunNocturne I don't know why but I thought Chaotic Stupid was something completely different. Idiot Hero does work way better. Thank you for pointing this out. :P

I do have a few other stories about Ricard if anyone would care to hear them. Gems include:

The Time Ricard Seduced a White Dragon

The Time Ricard Saved a King's Life with his Mad Ballroom Dancing Skills.

The Time the Party Remembered that Ricard has an INT score of 17.

The Time Ricard got to reenact his favorite chapter from book 4 of The War of the 7 Princes.

And The Time Ricard Worked at a Faire to Entertain some kids and Ended up beating a Necromancer Half-to-death with his bare hands.

Dead for the foreseeable future. Towergirls will return when I do.

You're welcome. I was like "Chaotic Stupid? Oh boy this is going to end in tears" and as I was reading it I was like "wait a minute...."

..... Okay, all of those sound hilarious. I want to hear all of them

I second that guy. My bards will tell the stories of Ricard the Foolish for all eternity.

Speaking of bards...let me bring a story I have about my last Adventurer's League session. Not sure if funny or just clever but I almost single-handledly defeated a Red Mage of Thay( a NPC equivalent to a lv 4ish necromancer) with my lv1 bard.

We went to Owl Well to investigate zombie attacks and find a ruined tower and a tent from which said wizard comes out. I roll a nat20 on history and learn he's a evil powerful bastard. He halts us and my diplomacy fails because he is outright attacked.

No, it was not the lv2 barbarian, a guy whining about how barbarians were weak(?) you get the idea, he wasn't very useful.

Not even the lv3 thief, who actually tried to stop the dart midair with a knife.

It was the lv2 monk. an impetuous monk.. Sigh.

Fast forward a couple rounds and the mage teleported to the top of the tower magic missiling our asses and sent 10+ zombies at us who failed to fall despite ball bearings, burning lamp oil and ice breaths, not to mention crossbow shots and multiple vicious mockeries. TPK was close.

I looked at my 3 lv1 spells and 2 slots...bane, disguise self, sleep, all useless...unless ...

I told the monk to drop a zombie and I turn into one, no rolls fudged only two zombies knew who I was including the mage. I broke the horde and went to the tower while only the thief stood and was found and investigation checks to discover why two zombies are biting into a third failed. Porque p Çp The fight stopped as the thief faked surrender and all zombies called to the tower , and it was then that a zombie lifted his hands and said:

"WAIT! I'm sure we can work this out-NAPPY TIME!!"

TPK? Bitch please, I'm a motherf*cking bard. At lv2.

I am merely an agent of 'random'. Because you know, the order is only inside our minds. Out here, there is only Chaos.

Noice.

i care but i'm restless, i'm here but i'm really gone, i'm wrong and i'm sorry, baby

Now, when I am not DM, I play a young 5e Monk by the name of Baeris Dumein.

Now because the DM was evil, we got stuck having to fight Tiamat as warm up boss. Now since Tiamat is immune to anything but spells, spell slots drained pretty quickly. So what does Baeris do?

Punch the queen of evil dragons, of course. Baeris was at the level where monk punches counted as magical. Some other party members had magic items and weapons, so together, we all managed to beat the tar out of Tiamat.

But I will never forget the time Baeris said 'Screw it!' And landed the first punch :P

edited 27th Sep '16 5:07:40 AM by BlizzardeyeWonder

Oh look, a ghost!

So I may or may not have completely forgotten about this thread, but hopefully I can make-up for with more Ricard. I flipped a bunch of coins and fate decreed that I tell you about Ricard's Faire Incident.

The event took place a couple of weeks after we met Swamp Witch. We got the artifact, broke the curse on the Baron's wife, and he was going to hold a festival in our party's honor. Everyone was having a good time, but it was rather uninteresting for the table until Ricard came across a stage where a play was going to be held. Ricard got back stage, talked with the actors, and learned that the play was a sappy love story.

Ricard, being Ricard, decided that since people come to festivals to have fun and not for boring lovey-dovey stuff, elected to write his own play.

The end result was a play that looked like something ripped straight out of Power Rangers. The team of heroes were called "Dynamic Justice," and had names like 'Hot Pink,' 'Advent Green,' and Ricard's character was 'Booster Gold.' The story was simple, the regular actors would go out and fight a bunch of Faceless Mooks, then the Evil Emperor Our druid in some black robes would appear in the middle of the stage thanks to the powers of prestidigitation, and knock the heroes around before they combined into 'Booster Gold' More prestidigitation and win the day.

The play had been set up, our elven mage (begrudgingly) agreed to providing special effects, and everyone was getting into costume just before we went on stage. Meanwhile however, our druid was talking with the baron because apparently a necromancer had made his way onto the fair-grounds. While looking for our druid since he needed to get ready to go on, Ricard rolled a nat 1 on his spot-check, and a cookie if you can guess who he found.

Ricard, having rolled a nat 1, assumed the large bony man in front of him was our druid in a really good costume. Ricard then dragged this poor confused zombie-man back to the stage just as their parts were about to begin. The necromancer got shoved on stage by a crew-man as our mage conjured up his spooky smoke-cloud and started bellowing threats. The crowd started cheering at how into his part he was getting. The Dynamic Justice team were the only ones who caught on that something was wrong, and scurried off, Ricard took this as his signal to just come on early.

The scene that followed at the table was every player giggling uncontrollable as I mustered the most over the top Seinen "The Reason You Suck" Speech I could muster off the top of my head, as the necromancer stood there dumbfounded while a man was shouting about being The Hope Of The Multi-verse at him. Eventually, once the necromancer had come to his senses and started slinging spells at Ricard and the fight began. An incredibly one-sided fight. Ricard had grabbed the necromancer as he was in the middle of raising some undead minions to assists him, so he was relying on his admittedly sub-par magic at the time. Ricard at this point in time had also specialized so that he could use superiority dice to get extra effects in his attacks, and was using them to make the fight look more dynamic. The crowd went wild over the evil emperor getting flung around like a doll thanks to his piss-poor AC. After a large amount of brutality (Ricard was going all out since our druid was a pretty beefy dude,) and more Seinen speeches, Ricard delivered the final blow and the Evil Emperor exploded in an epic fashion He was knocked backstage. Prestidigitation is a fun spell. And Ricard got off stage and continued to roleplay as Booster Gold to entertain the children in the audience. Meanwhile the druid finally showed up to learn that Ricard had beaten a necromancer unconscious. The party started discussing what to do with him, and plot happened from there, but Ricard never learned what actually happened at the play.

Dead for the foreseeable future. Towergirls will return when I do.

Down at the bottom right is a "Watch Thread" button. It's helpful for ones like this

Okay I need to ask: Was Ricard's Sentai name specifically chosen as a Shout-Out to Booster Gold?

As to the rest of it: Pure Win

@Black Sun Nocturne Indeed it was.

edited 27th Sep '16 10:52:09 AM by Tranquilis

Dead for the foreseeable future. Towergirls will return when I do.

you should tell the story of Ricard to 1d4chan. He'll go down in history, garunteed!

Oh look, a ghost!

I've tempted the idea of sharing his tale there, but decided against it because A.I'm super inexperienced with 4chan's community (The one time I tried posting there I got laughed off and my thread deleted within twenty minutes,) and B. I don't think Ricard is funny enough to stand with legends like Old Man Henderson or That Guy Destroys Psionics.

Dead for the foreseeable future. Towergirls will return when I do.