What An Idiot: Family Fortunes

If there's one thing we can be sure of from the UK counterpart of Family Feud, it's that idiocy remains global.

Note: As with the other Game Show pages in What an Idiot, some of the following contestants may very well have given these stupid answers on purpose. That doesn't make them any less stupid, mind you, but instead become far more worthy of being here.
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    Bob Monkhouse (1980-83) 
  • 1980: A Northern Irish woman whose answer for "Name something blue" was "My cardigan."
  • When the question (to do with horse-racing tracks) was "Name the most dangerous race", one man replied "Arabs!". Needless to say, that was edited out for broadcast.
  • "Name a bird with long legs." "Sharon Stone!" note 
  • "Name a good reason for men to dig a hole in the road". Contestant said "Digging a grave". Cue "Dead Slow" gag from Monkhouse.
  • "Name one of the ingredients in chicken stuffing." "Chicken."

    Max Bygraves (1983-85) 
  • 1983: Shortly after Max became the host, a round took seven tries for anyone to give a right answer to "Name a famous Irishman". Some of the guesses were completely off the wall, such as Benjamin Disraeli, Thomas O'Malley and Ernest Hemingway. (And even more humorously, this was also the "turkey" episode.)
    • Ah, yes, the "Turkey" episode. Three Fast Money questions...one answer. Mr. Bob Johnson was the second member of his family to play. It's said that he may have overheard an answer in the first round ("chicken") and decided to wing it. Due to the audience response, he ran out of time after the fourth question (and his answer was a repeat of his partner's), leaving him with just 21 points for the third response:
    Bygraves: Name something people take with them to the beach.
    Bob: Turkey.
    Bygraves: The, *stutters* the first thing you buy in a supermarket.
    Bob: Turkey. (as the laughter in the studio increases)
    Bygraves: A food often stuffed!
    Bob: Turkey! (the audience, and Bygraves, are in tears)
    • Ironically, the answer which Mr. Johnson repeated during Big Money before running out of time was also a scoring answer given during the Irishman round (Hurricane Higgins).
  • "Name a body part that begins with the letter 'N'." "Knee?"
  • When asked about what someone should know about their prospective spouse, one contestant suggested "his name".
  • "A slang term for 'money'." "Bitch!" (apparently she misheard the question as "name a slang term for 'mummy'")

    Les Dennis (1987-2002) 
  • A double whammy occurred when Les asked "Name something associated with the sea." The first contestant answered "deckchairs", and got zero points. The other contestant answered "coffin", which Les assumed was supposed to be a reference to a burial at sea; turns out, said contestant had completely misinterpreted the question, somehow thinking it was "Name something beginning with the letter C."
  • "Name a bird with a long neck." "A blackbird" and "Naomi Campbell"
  • "Name a game people play in the dark." "Charades"
  • "Name a William Shakespeare play with someone's name in the title" already had "The Scottish Play" and "Hamlet" as the top two answers, and when Les came to one woman she answered "A Midsummer Night's Dream" (mispronouncing it as "A Midsummer's Night Dream" to boot), getting no points. Les wondered aloud whether she had listened to the question, and she replied that "Summer's a girl's name," getting a Flat "What." from Les in response.
  • From 1994, Heather of the Hooper family has gotten 175 points and three of the five top answers. Chris now has to get 25 points to win 3,000 and get the other two top answers in order to add a new car to that lot. But then, this happened:
    • "Name any country which competes in the Eurovision Song Contest." "Luxembourg." (But he gets the Pointless answer, though)
    • "Name an animal in a nursery rhyme." "Andy Pandy." (For one, Andy Pandy was an old BBC children's show, and not a nursery rhyme. Plus, the title character was human.)
    • "Name a government position." "President." (The United Kingdom doesn't use presidents)
    • "Name a vegetable you chop up." "Leek."
    • "Name a slang word for a child." "Brat."
    • Needless to say, they all got 0.
  • "Name a part of your body you only have one of." "Big toe"
  • "Name a weapon used in the board game Cluedo." "Dice".
  • One old lady thought that "a person associated with the Wild West" was "Buck Rogers". Les, knowing that the answer was way off, said "If it's up there, you can have the car!" Obviously, she got the uh-UGH!
  • "Name something a wife might not let her husband have in the house." "Dirty mags."
  • "Apart from snowman, name a word beginning with snow." "Sugar."
  • "Name something that can fall on you without hurting you." "The wife."
  • "Name something associated with The Three Bears." Two contestants answered "Red Riding Hood", and the second contestant cranked the idiocy Up to Eleven by repeating other answers that had been given to the question, before finally settling on "The Wood Chopper", another Red Riding Hood character, and gets buzzed.
  • "Name a famous robber." "Cops."
  • "Name something associated with The X-Files." Initially, neither contestant buzzes in, and after Les drops the remark below, a contestant buzzes in and answers, "Television!"
  • "(Name) something you keep in a garden shed." "Um, a gardener."
  • "Name something made of wool." "Sheep."
  • "Name something that comes in sevens." "Fingers."
  • "Name a game that uses a black ball." "Hockey" and "Darts"
  • "Name something you'd never try even once." "Sex on a train."
  • "Name a reason for kneeling." "To be beheaded"

    Andy Collins (2002) 
  • "Name a vocalist who is known by one name." Contestant said, "Michael Jackson." Andy replies with, "A vocalist who is known by one name, and we're going with Michael Jackson!" He then laughs and folds over.

    Vernon Kay (2006-) 
  • In the final round, Brian Dowling was asked "Name a type of bean." He replied "baked bean", which his brother had already said; his second answer? "Lesbian", which got rendered as "Les Bean" on the scoreboard.
  • In another final round, the contestant is faced with "Name something you do in a lift". She attempts to pass, only for Vernon to repeat the question (it was the last one), and she says, with barely a second to go, "Wee" (This is British slang for urinating). She cringes.
  • In an 2012 All-Star edition, skater Robin Cousins was asked to name a body part starting with "N". He replied "knee"... and immediately (and very visibly) realized his mistake. Compounding the mistake was that Cousins and his partner had gotten four of the five #1 answers... had Cousins said something reasonable, he could have donated 30,000 to charity instead of 10,000.