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- Abomination Accusation Attack:
- The site has one episode with a woman going totally overboard with this trope as she visits the movies and decides that she owns the place and has the right to deny random strangers the seats they have bought, all in the name of Think of the Children! - accusing two random young women of being potential child molesters and thus disqualified from being treated with basic human respect.
- In another instance, this father for no noticeable reason accuses a middle-schooler of stealing books from a library. After futilely trying to convince people of his wild insinuation, he then calls the cops and claims the middle-schooler set a bomb. Once again, he had no proof and seemed to feel like framing her out of the blue. Good thing his daughter had a conscience and set the whole thing straight (and ended up getting the father arrested for wasting police time and money just to be a dick to a stranger).
- In this story, a man is accused of being a kidnapper by a woman after he stops a cart with her kid inside from rolling away. She goes as far as to call the police on him, and he's nearly arrested. Luckily, just about every other customer nearby confirmed his side of the story, and the woman is arrested for abandoning and endangering a minor.
- Abusive Parents: "That's not true. My mommy and daddy tie me to trees when they get mad."
- Accentuate the Negative: Reading the site, it could be easy to forget the 90% of customers who don't cause any kind of trouble exist at all.
- The staff actually put a disclaimer on their zombie comic, acknowledging that a majority of customers are polite and kind.
- Acceptable Professional Targets: Some of the people have the mindset that retail workers are somehow beneath them, and that gives them the right to be blatantly rude, or worse yet, attack the workers.
- Accidentally Accurate: A customer pays the e-mailer's aunt with seventy single dollar bills. The e-mailer's aunt asks jokingly if the customer's a stripper. The "yes" answer from the costumer shocks e-mailer's aunt — but she recovers and talks to the stripper. Turns out she always pays in single bills thanks to her job.
- Accidental Innuendo: Many times.
- Action Girl: multiple examples.
- Action Mom: You will not insult this mommy.
- Actually Pretty Funny: "Oh... that was good."
- Adaptation Displacement: Perhaps the second customer said it best: "I hate Hollywood."
- Added Alliterative Appeal: Ruh Roh, Retroactive Rewards Rage
- Aggressive Categorism:
- One of the annoying customers doesn't like the music. She puts the blame for this on teenagers and their modern tasteless music... in spite of the music and the people playing it being older than her!
- This grocery store customer assumes that teenagers can't do math without calculators. The best part is that the teenager she asked to do some calculations got the answer right, both with and without a calculator.
- Air Guitar: This customer is disappointed their CD doesn't actually come with one like the ad said.
- All Animals Are Domesticated: "Can we send our kids to play with the bears?"
- All Balloons Have Helium: "Look, it says on the packet, 'Helium Balloons'."
- All Men Are Perverts: As seen here.
- All Women Are Lustful: Who actually cares about the sexual content of a zombie film?
- Alpha Bitch: Probably this woman. Being beautiful does not allow you to ignore punctuality.
- This lady here too, who feels than being rich gives you the right to steal coffee. And tea. And roses.
- In fact, almost any example where a customer calls an employee (or another customer) ugly can count.
- Alternate Character Interpretation: In-universe, the customer in this story. Idiotic Knight Templar, or clever con man?
"The customer saunters off down the street, merry as you like. Once were sure he’s gone, my sister walks round the corner back home. It’s only then we realize that in all the drama, the customer never actually paid for the bread and cakes he had bought. We all now wonder if he just forgot like we did, or if we were a victim of the most impressive scam to steal bread and cake in history!"
- Aluminum Christmas Trees: I thought hairless rats were only on Kim Possible!
- Always Chaotic Evil: The man in this story seems to think that Americans are conditioned to kill Vietnamese people on sight.
- Then there's people like this, who think "follower of Islam" and "Taliban extremist" are always one and the same.
- Always Wanted To Say That: This owner missed his chance, but this customer finally got it.
- Amazingly Embarrassing Parents: Lots of them, although sometimes they're just helping the kid along.
- Ambiguous Gender: In several stories, the gender of the customer/employee/whatever isn't stated until halfway through. Sometimes, it isn't stated at all.
- Ambulance Chaser:
- Inverted here, with a man calling his lawyer before calling an ambulance.
- There's no lawyer involved, but this seems to be the attitude of this mom.
- And a Diet Coke: I don't want a cherry though, they're fattening.
- And Ninety Nine Cents: Discussed. The nines are Serious Business.
- Angrish: Awwharhaghhsss!
- Animation Age Ghetto: A customer giving grief to another one because he's a young adult buying a Pokémon game. But her buying Grand Theft Auto V for her nine-year-old kid is perfectly fine (at least until the kid drops an F-bomb).
- Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking:
- Artistic License - Biology: Some of these clearly either are Extraterrestrial or live in cartoons. Seriously, where on Earth did these people grow up?
- This is a MASSIVE understatement...
- "Yeah, but even if he lost one leg, he's still got two feet, right?"
- Chickens don't bleed! But can read — why not, if even turtles do?
- "No thanks, I'm trying to become a vegetarian and eggs come from cows." — right, those carnivorous, soy cows.
- "That's a dolphin, dear. It eats people." And maybe swims upriver to mate like other whales. All the way to Salt Lake, Utah, US (and from there, back to Hollywood). Without tails. Then lay eggs, come right out of the water and steal children.
- Beware of cockatiel or ostrich hatching basilisks. And fire-breathing insectile bearded dragons.
- All this Terran fish is so enigmatic!
- An elephant repellent. You'll need it.
- Where the meat comes from, anyway?
- Even if you hide extra appendages under your clothes you may still fail to uphold the Masquerade.
- Flying penguins.
- Male dogs getting pregnant?
- Artistic License - Economics: Any entry titled "This Is Why We're In A Recession". There are over a dozen entries of the sort, with a one called "This Is Why We're In A Recession, Literally" - which, true to title, states the exact reason for the recession
- Artistic License - Geography / Global Ignorance:
- Several customers assume that We All Live in America. They are wrong. "But... isn't Europe part of the US?"
- Some customers take this to extreme levels. The conversations they have with various cashiers and salespeople seems to imply that they are unaware that other nations besides the United States exist.
- There are enough examples of Americans being ignorant about the rest of the world that listing them all would take too long...so here's an example of the opposite.
- Quite a few seem to involve Americans across the border in Canada who are a bit surprised to learn that it isn't exactly like home.
- This tourist complains that all the road signs are in Spanish instead of English. The customer service person replies, "We are in Spain, sir. Spanish is our official language."
- And then, there are cases where Americans don't assume other countries are like their own...but get other facts wrong. This one is especially egregious.
- What travel is better — a train to Hawaii or a boat to Atlantis?
- "Wait. You mean, Japan exists not only in anime?!" And even Australia isn't on Middle East.
- In turn, Europeans sometimes fail to understand that North America is a really big place populated mostly by European immigrants who may be even more into imitation than the rest of humanity.
- This woman seems to be in total ignorance of state locations, cardinal directions, and linguistics. Also counts as Hypocritical Humor.
- "Oh yeah, I remember now. Vietnam is that little island next to Korea!"
- Who cares if Utah is landlocked; taunting an officer of the law about whaling is WRONG!
- This person thinks all of Asia is just a country.
- This person thinks the Great Lakes are divided into the Great Lakes of Canada, and the Great Lakes of America, and that national borders can't run through lakes.
- Artistic License - History:
- Artistic License - Law:
- Artistic License - Linguistics:
- Artistic License - Physics:
- Can you turn the photo around so I can see that guy's face?
- Maybe it will weigh less tomorrow.
- This customer specifically wanted a soda with ice on the bottom. Naturally, the request was impossible to fulfill.
- This customer thinks items weigh more when scrunched up than when they're looser. To compound her mistake, she uses the analogy of a ball of yarn weighing more when it's soaked in water than otherwise—true, but that's not because the water causes it to compact better, but because the weight of the water is added to the weight of the yarn.
- Ask a Stupid Question...: The difference between girls and boys. One of the hardest questions known to man. Or not.
- The Atoner:
- Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: Here. (This example may also count as Hypocritical Humor.)
- Attention Whore: Or what's the point of getting that hairstyle if nobody tells you how amazing it is...
- Authentication by Newspaper: Used to foil a scammer here.
- Auto Erotica: "I just really need to get my car sodomized."
- Bad Boss: No wonder his customers walked out on the guy.
- This genius manager, who ended up firing his (female) worker for his mistake.
- Not Always Working is, in part, dedicated to them. See the main page for examples.
- Badass Adorable: Anytime a young child sets an adult (who should know better) straight or comes to someone's rescue. Such as this one.
- Badass Bookworm: Cosplayers, but close enough.
- Badass Bystander: "UFC Jacket Guy", amongst others, including tiny, middle-aged Asian women.
- Badass Grandma:
- Badass Grandpa:
- Bad Writing: This guy apparently hits multiple targets, including Rouge Angles of Satin, Mary Sue / Boring Invincible Hero, and All Just a Dream.
- Bait and Switch: A narrator-based example here. A lifeguard disciplines some kids who are acting up, and the girl yells that she's going to tell her father. True to her word, the father comes up, described as "rather large and intimidating". You might expect him to yell at the lifeguard something like "how dare you talk to my little girl like that"... but nope, he just apologizes for his daughter's behavior, and furthermore tells the head lifeguard about the whole thing, which results in an official commendation for the lifeguard.
- Based on a Great Big Lie: At least, this is what you hope about some of the entries; but it's impossible to know exactly how many are fakes.
- Beat: Sometimes precedes a customer realizing his or her own stupidity. For example after failing primary school level maths problems.
- Be Careful What You Wish For: A man in full prayer garb refuses to pay for the pornographic television on his hotel bill. He claims that he flipped to that channel "by accident", despite the bill stating that he watched at least two hours of said porn. He continues to rant that a religious man like him would never willingly expose himself to such filth, but eventually gives up and angrily throws a wad of money at the receptionist. The next day, the religious man calls back with another complaint, but the receptionist simply says that all pornographic channels are now locked so he will no longer "be exposed to such filth", just like he asked.
- Because I'm Jonesy: Right here. Here, too.
- Telemarketers seem to have a bad habit of calling a family-run business and claiming to be related to the owner.
- Great case of this here: a man walks into a medical office, tries to excuse his lack of an appointment by claiming to be related to the doctor - and ends up insulting both said doctor and his wife.
- Beethoven Was an Alien Spy: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Ask in the nearest bookstore. In the history section. Also, the role of Captain America in World War II is sadly understated.
- Belief Makes You Stupid: TONS of people who would give even Pat Robertson a run for his money in the sheer insanity department, if not the asshole department. Half of them go into Fridge Horror because they are showing signs of dementia and/or Alzheimer's.
- Examples here, here, here, here and here.
- Behold the power of bobble head Jesus!
- This one is outright criminal.
- Then there are the more benign, but still insane, ones like this person, who is like the exact polar opposite of a young-earth creationist or something.
- A fundamentalist alum of a certain college tries her hardest to "justify" the stupidity. "You don't need freedom of speech if you let Jesus think for you."
- Those people have nothing on this lady, who, because of her beliefs, winds up falling for a Paper-Thin Disguise, half of which wasn't even part of the disguise.
- "Well, I think it's possessed and it needs an exorcism. Do you have any Catholic workers?"
- How about this lady? She doesn't seem to understand the point of there being other religions besides Christianity.
- Let he who is without blame of his own...
- For this customer, a "photo converter" apparently means converting "devil worshippers" into Christians.
- And for this customer, computer wizards are as vile as "real" wizards are, even if they're only connected by name.
- This person bought a toy sword, armor, and shield set for their son, and demanded a refund for it. What happened? The son started playacting like any kid with a toy sword, armor, and shield would do. The customer is convinced that means the toy is possessed, rather than believe that their son was just being normal.
- This mother believes her son had a seizure, despite the son himself admitting he was doing something else, because "he’s a good Christian boy and would never touch himself in such a horrible way". She adamantly demands that he be taken to the ER and the EMTs present eventually relent. Hope the medical bills and trauma were worth it, lady.
- Real Christians don't worship Jesus!
- A customer believes her church when they say Doctor Who is evil. Somehow, this entitles her to demand the person watching an episode of the show, on their smartphone, with headphones on, and otherwise minding their own business, to turn it off. Apparently, even with that level of non-disturbance, she still felt threatened by it.
- Benevolent Boss: Some show up, like this one, this one, or this one.
- This one too.
- Actually, many of the managers included in these stories fall under this trope. (Those who aren't usually end up on Not Always Working).
- Berserk Button: For a good number of the customers, not getting their way is enough to get them to fly off the handle, sometimes to the point of attacking someone.
- Big Damn Heroes/The Cavalry: Sometimes a boss, sometimes a coworker, sometimes a customer.
- Big Eater: The everlasting supper. And apparently he ate almost everything (though it did take him four hours).
- Big Stupid Doodoo Head: “I don’t have to listen to you, you… you… booger face!”
- Bilingual Backfire:
- Binary Suns: Surprisingly enough, our solar system doesn't have this feature.
- Birds of a Feather: A rather disgusting example here. A woman urinates on the floor and smears her feces onto several books when she doesn't get her way. Her boyfriend does the same when the police arrest her.
- Black Widow: A passive and ultimately unsuccessful one, but absolutely rotten person, all the same.
- Blatant Lies: Numerous accounts of customers trying very poorly to bullshit their way out of paying for something, as well as employees going along with crazy or stupid customers' misconceptions or conspiracy theories in order to get out of the conversation.
- Bleep Dammit: NSFW language in stories is censored, but not necessarily all of a compound word.
- "Blind Idiot" Translation: There's a whole category for it - "Lost In Translation".
- Blind Mistake:
- Bluff the Impostor:
- Bluenose Bowdlerizer: Possibly the only site on the Web that stars out "hell" that isn't explicitly Christian. Martha Stewart uses saltier language. You get used to it, though.
- Book Dumb: Because subtitles are too hard for the average customer..
- Book Safe: What "I'm looking for a dictionary. No, it's not a dictionary, it's just a book. Well, it's not a book, it's a box. Not really, it's kind of a box and you put things in it. Like a box. ...Yes, it's also a book." customer apparently was looking for.
- Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick:
- Buffy Speak: DE TING, DE TING!!!
- Bully Hunter: Many stories involve a third party (sometimes a fellow workmate, sometimes themselves a customer) who, upon encountering an unreasonable character trying to bully a server into getting what they want (or even just to be a Jerkass), feel the need to intervene.
- Burn the Witch!: With people like this today, it's not a surprise this was so popular back in The Dung Ages.
- But I Can't Be Pregnant!: Oh, yes you cannote . And your daughter too.
- Buxom Is Better: According to these customers, it is. In fact, they call the employee's breasts tiny, even though she has C-Cups, which are usually considered big.
- A Date with Rosie Palms: As fast as you can.
- Danger Is My Middle Name: This man.
- Dark and Troubled Past: Apparently, this guy.
- Daydream Believer: Lots of. The outstanding ones include the aspiring Evil Overlord and the Hell's denizen complaining about overimmigration to his place by disloyal employees.
- Deadpan Snarker: Among others, this call-center employee. Doubles as a Stealth Pun.
- Death Glare: A particularly effective one. Add a Slasher Smile for effect, and you've just freaked out the abusive customer.
- Death Is Cheap: This man who has over 30 times as many deaths as the average dead man apparently..
- Delayed Reaction: This cashier, helped by Stupid Crooks.
- Department of Redundancy Department: Here, with a side order of Hypocritical Humor.
- Depth Deception: No special tools are required when customers don't understand distance.
- Did I Just Say That Out Loud?: Here. And here.
- Didn't Think This Through: An underage customer tries to buy cigarettes...in a yogurt shop. There are many, many more examples on the site.
- Digging Yourself Deeper: Here.
- This guy, who promptly hangs a lampshade on it.
- Dinner Order Flub: "The serving of Wi-Fi, how big is the free portion?"
- Dirty Coward: This guy is a violent misogynistic jerk, but backs down when confronted someone who can fight back.
- Dirty Old Man: Well, at least he's honest about it.
- Dirty Old Woman / Screw Politeness, I'm a Senior!: Being old gives you the right to sexually harass employees. Apparently.
- Disabled Means Helpless: This person believes that people in wheelchairs are completely helpless.
- Disproportionate Retribution: Customers wish for this in quite a few stories. Did the employee screw up an inconsequential detail? Their ass must be fired! Did the store follow policy to the letter by denying a return? They must be sued and driven out of business!
- Dissimile: "She's about the same size, I guess...except thinner and with bigger boobs." Exactly like this, except all different.
- The Ditz: So, so many. For example, "All right, now I have I-n-d-i-a-m-i-m-b-i-n-d-o-k-i-a-m-n - is that how you spell Minneapolis?"
- Another good example. "Well, yeah, I’m really klutzy, so I tend to drop [my laptop] out of my car when I go to school. Is it bad to drop it a lot?”
- The series "Adventures In The Third Dimension" are about people who either too tired or too stupid to realize that yes, there is a third dimension. Not everything is a flat left-or-right.
- In fact, almost everything under "Extra Stupid" is filled with people who can't seem to grasp basic concepts like "rain is wet" or "ice is cold".
- Ditzy Genius: This person is a scientist with several Ph Ds. Yet, he is unable to figure out exactly how to press the 4 key on his phone to get rid of his extended absence message.
- Does Not Understand Sarcasm
- Does This Remind You of Anything?: Gigantic pens.
- Domestic Abuse: Comes up every so often. Here's a rather scary example.
- Don't Explain the Joke: "It's funny, because it sounds sexual."
- Door Dumb: Often the icing on the cake to a particularly unreasonable customer. For example.
- Double Entendre: Oddly enough, the literal meaning of the words is the correct one. It's still creepy, though.
- Double Standard:
- Do Wrong, Right: "Now, now, they're not dumb people. They're suckers."
- Do You Want to Haggle?: The joke about Cloud Cuckoolander haggling in the wrong direction is not entirely baseless, as you can see here. Or here. Don't let them fool you, fool yourself first.
- Dramatically Missing The Point: "Oh! Isn't he cute?! He wants to play baseball!" A mother says this after her kid throws a can of yams at a cashier and significantly injures them.
- Dude, Where's Our Car?: "That's my car from last year. That's right, that IS where I parked it!"
- Dumbass Has a Point: Why would anyone pay $1,500 for a massage chair when they can use it here for free?!
- Note how said dumbass is being told to get his ass off the chair for pretty much that exact reason!
- Dumb Blonde: Yes, some of them do exist and they are giving the natural blondes a bad name.
- Eagleland: Some customers are more AMERICA! than Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged. Examples here and here. And those are the milder examples.
- The Easy Way or the Hard Way: Saying this doesn't work all that well in real life when you're just a teenager.
- Elvis Has Left the Planet: And gone to Vegas, apparently.
- End of the World as We Know It: Which means warranties will be worthless.
- Engaging Conversation: Here; also counts as a Geeky Turn-On.
- Enhance Button: Customers seem to expect photo labs to have one of these.
- Entitled Bastard: Arguably the most common trait of customers in these stories. If even a fraction of them are factual, there is a depressingly large number of customers convinced that rules and laws (even natural ones) don't apply to them.
- Epic Fail: Some people go above and beyond mere eccentric or obnoxious behaviour to true failure:
- The woman who tells her boyfriend he'll be sleeping on the couch, but they don't actually live together. That's just the start of a downward spiral; it leads to the boyfriend and the cashier getting engaged.
- Ignore advice in the cellphone shop, try to get a large bill cancelled, get angry and end up with much larger bills.
- Two underage teenagers try to buy cigarettes, but are obviously turned down. After trying to fool the cashier with a learner's permit, they beg someone else to buy them cigarettes... a uniformed police officer, to be specific. Luckily, they gave up after that.
- This man uses a car wash to wash his clothes, and demands a refund when it doesn't work! Using a service to do something it was never meant to do, and then complaining when it doesn't do that thing... way to go, guy.
- The stories filed under "extra stupid" tend to fall under this.
- A scammer claims to be part of the government. For some reason, they called a government-operated center to attempt this.
- This drunk man hits on a girl at a bar. She's already married. He says he could probably beat up her man. She smiles and doesn't disagree with the drunk, but when he tries it, she floors him. Drunk gets up and asks the bartender to throw the woman and her husband out, and when the bartender refuses, the drunk claims to be the owner's brother...whereupon the bartender reveals that she's also the owner and that while she doesn't have a brother, that woman he was just harassing and got punched out by is her little sister.
- Eskimos Aren't Real:
- Eskimo Land: Some tourists seem to think Canada is this. Most Canadians just play along to get the ignorant customer out of there.
- Especially Zoidberg: Here
Customer: Can I buy some spray paint to get high on?
Cashier: No, sir. That is illegal.
Customer: Even during Sundance?
Cashier: Especially during Sundance!
Customer: Buzzkill! [walks out]
Elderly customer referring to another customer throwing a childish tantrum: "If that were my daughter I'd slap her!"
Cashier "Even at her age?
Customer' "Especially'' at her age."
- Everything's Better with Dinosaurs: Watch Out For The Pansysaurus!
- Everything Is Racist:
- Evil Brit: This woman seems to believe that terrorists can instantly adopt British accents if needed.
- Exactly What It Says on the Tin:
- Exact Words: But I didn't damage the pans with a hammer and chisel!
- Exiled to the Couch: This woman tries to exile her boyfriend to the couch after he takes the side of a shop assistant over her. It doesn't quite work out... not least because they don't actually live in the same house. Hard to believe, but it actually gets worse for her from that point.
- Extreme Omnivore: Mmm, tickets.
- Eye Scream: A customer assumes a clerk's eyepatch is a fashion statement. She is quite wrong.
- Freudian Slip: These two customers.
- Friendly Local Chinatown: Defied. This tourist doesn't seem to understand that there are no "Chinatowns" in China itself.
- Friend to All Children: This store.
- Friend to All Living Things: This guy.
- Frivolous Lawsuit: Almost every lawsuit threatened in any story here, really.
- This guy wants to sue a town, not the town government, but the town itself and everyone in it.
- This guy, every year, goes to a family's haunted house, comes out bruised, and sues them for it, never winning from a lack of evidence but wasting a lot of their money nonetheless. He eventually gets his when they install security cameras and catch him injuring himself - his case is immediately thrown out with that evidence, and the family promptly counter-sues him for three times what he wanted from them.
- For Inconvenience, Press "1": As imitated through a drive thru intercom.
- From the Mouths of Babes:
- Furry Fandom: Kinda feel sorry for this fellow.