Allison 'Obscurus Lupa' Pregler is an (often) red-headed female reviewer on That Guy with the Glasses who takes on Z-grade movies, usually in the horror or martial arts genre; a roughly similar beat to The Cinema Snob, but tending towards dumb action flicks and a morbid enjoyment of them. She began reviewing in late 2009 and after gaining some notoriety on their forums, she became a member of the TGWTG family.
Obscurus Lupa Presents: Z-movies from the early 70's to the modern day. A "Z" movie for Lupa is something that doesn't have the capability or the budget to do something incredible. Not all the movies are bad. Some are terrible.
Commercial Dubs: Lupa riffs on TV spots and film trailers from the 90's in her inimitable style.
Aluminum Christmas Trees: The movie poster wall from her title screen? That's not a photo collage, that thing's real. Lupa admitted that not all of the posters appeal to her personally; some were gifts.
Lupa: So long Sonny, we'll always remember you for the asshole you were. (Lady Dragon 2)
The eighth season of Charmed opens on an appropriate venue, a wake. Lupa is sunny: "Things start off swimmingly, because the Charmed Ones are dead!" In fact, this is the theme of Season 8 title card, which depicts a going away party for the Halliwell Clan (alive and dead) with Lupa blowing a party horn in celebration.
Angrish: When the events of Mindwarp are revealed to have all been a simulation, Lupa resorts to sputtering Angrish for a few seconds.
Her reaction to Return to Frogtown being a remake.
Mitch on Baywatch is portrayed as the ultimate deadbeat dad, frequently mistaking Hobie for inanimate objects and fighting his ex for custody... of his favorite surfer bum hat. Cue sad Tibetan flutes. ("The Sky is Falling")
"What a selfish, awful person! Seriously, who was watching this and didn't instantly see Emperor Palpatine through her thin, grimy veneer? She's the most heinous of people, the lowest of the low. I could murder her! And she's fictional!I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS WATCHING THIS SHOW—so anyway, don't like her much."
Over the course of the recaps, Charmed's Elders are promoted to dicks, such dicks, colossal dicks, a BAG of dicks, an entire city infrastructure of dicks, and penises.
Lupa's parting shot at the series was both morbid and fitting: the DVD box sets are of such poor quality, they rendered some of her discs unwatchable.
Arson, Murder, and Lifesaving: "Aaaand yet..." She riffs because she cares. The harshest videos often conclude with a recommendation. (Even Charmed got a reprieve.)
She admits that, for all the insanity of the episode "Cyberwoman" from Torchwood, a cyborg woman fighting a pterodactyl is pretty cool.
The climax of Texas Chainsaw: The Next Generation has Renee Zellweger being pursued by two Illuminati agents in a black sedan, Leatherface in a woman suit, and a crop duster plane a la North By Northwest.
Two examples from Charmed, both involving "Bad Future" storylines. The Season Two closer impressed Lupa with its dark mood and twist ending, in which Future Phoebe does not get rescued by the Whitelighters and falls prey to a modern witch hunt. And it all hinged on dog poop!
Lupa: (Remember, they always gotta add one stupid thing.)
Season Six went the other way: laughably-cheap establishing shots of "2026 AD", hopeless time travel discontinuities, and Piper's spawn growing up to become dictator of the world ("And he looks hilariously like a member of Nickelback"). And with that, at last, the show suddenly barrels over the line where it becomes fun.
Faint praise, but she did appreciate that the series finale cast an elderly couple who look exactly like Future!Piper and Leo, as opposed to falling back on craptastic old age makeup (which they almost did).
Much chortling over Leo's role as the "doofy guy who explains away plot holes and gets stuff thrown at him." However, it seems he's been hanging around the Halliwells too long, as Season Eight sees him turning into an apathetic, lecherous bum who hits on another man's wife, earning himself a punch in the jaw. To which Lupa concedes, "Okay, he deserved that one."
"Actor" Billy Drago. While not as beloved as the others (Lupa never sought Billy out: he just sort of stumbles into her reviews), he's always a welcome sight nonetheless.
In a subversion, she's nonplussed to see Brandon Quinn, a respectable actor and lead hero of her favorite show from childhood, Big Wolf on Campus, slumming it as lunkhead "Agent Murphy" on Charmed S.8.
Lupa likes her musical interludes, as shown with the Goddamned Frog Band.
Everyone's favorite drunk, Pappy, serenading the audience with "Testify". Lupa happily plays Air Guitar by the end. (Howling 7: New Moon Rising)
"And yes, folks, he did just tell everyone to stand up after he told them to sit down. Testify!"
Halfway into A Special Sesame Street Christmas, Lupa is about ready to throw in the towel... and then Oscar breaks out the electric guitar.
Lupa opened the review for Miami Connection—aka the world's first musical about ninjas—dressed as a denim-clad 80's rock groupie. The purpose soon becomes clear: Dragon's Sound. There will be first-pumping, oh yes.
Sexophone: Heavily-lampshaded in her reviews, most notably in her Hard To Kill review: "CUE SEXY SAXOPHONE MUSIC". Later parodied in Baywatch's "The Drowning Pool", when the smoldering Derek McSnobbington descends some stairs with a superimposed sax between his lips.
For some unknowable reason, the "sandboni" on Baywatchelicits cheers whenever it shows up. invoked
Awesome McCoolname: She admits to having no other reason for the name other than she liked it.
Be Careful What You Wish For: MikeJ sits though ten torturous minutes of Witchcraft 5 under the promise of seeing boobs. Ask and ye shall receive! ....And the sex scenes are just as monotonous as the rest of the film.
Lupa: Are ya bored yet? :3 MikeJ: You're an awful person.
All Just a Dream endings, which have appeared in numerous films that she has reviewed, and which get a different angry reaction each time.
She has pointed out that what bothers her the most is how these endings often do not make sense, as they often contradict previous scenes which imply that the movie is taking place in reality. She found this to be a major source of annoyance in 13 seconds, especially since the lead character dreamed of scenes he himself doesn't appear in.
Lupa: If this is ANOTHER DREAM SEQUENCE I SWEAR I'LL— *bolts awake* "Whoa!" Lupa:(Lifts trembling finger gun to head)
Phoebe's love life. Just... any of it. ("I don't care I don't care I DON'T CAAARRRRGHGGH")
She continually reminds Phoebe of her Aesop Amnesia, to little avail. Particularly toward Cole, who was starting to make Pheobe look bad shortly before he was written out.
With Lupa herself, she's one of the nicer people on the site, but stalk her, not have fun or refuseto bea lady and she'll get scary. And like the apparent majority of people, she enjoys making the Critic suffer.
The "Groundhog Day" Loop of Phoebe Halliwell discovering love, giving up on love, and discovering it again. When Cole returns just for the sake of repackaging this turkey, Lupa responds with teeth-gritted "nnnnnnnnnNO."
Slow No: Her reaction to Sleepy Hollow High's "Fuck You" ending.
Mitch's genes have passed to his son Hobie, whom he's grooming to succeed him as L.A.'s biggest cretin. Whenever Hobie starts to "Blue Lagoon'ing it" with another child actor or makes a pass at older women, the word NO creeps onto the screen.
Baywatch gives us an episode of Captain Thorpe in tight orange shorts, ("The Sky is Falling") followed by Bryan Cranton in tight white shorts ("Cruise Ship")
"You're going to be seeing a lot of Bryan Cranton's crotch this episode."
Big "Shut Up!": Not-Hermione in The Mystical Adventures of Billy Owens. When you strip away the charm and personality, turns out.... a walking dictionary is begging to be strangled to death.
"Shut up... shutupshutup...shut up...shu— why are you alive?"
Broke the Rating Scale: Throughout the OLP review of The Room she uses an "Oh hey" counter to count the number of times the characters say "Oh hey". When several characters greet each other with "Oh hey" in rapid-fire succession, the counter overloads and the movie spontaneously combusts.
My Boyfriend's Back manages to break the "Wackiness Meter", earning a slow clap.
Phoebe's selfishness grows exponentially as Charmed progresses. "I'm running out of larger quantities to measure her bitchiness by."
Buffy Speak: Charmed Season Six, the Daryliest of all the seasons.
"A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender is like, "'Ey, horse, get out of my bar!" And the horse is like, "Neigh", 'cause it's a horse. (beat) And the bartender's like, "I throw you out." (falls silent)
Celebrity Paradox: Discussed in her Charmed reviews. One episode of Charmed establishes Phoebe as a big Sex and the City fan, while in that very same episode she's dating a guy who's played by an actor from Sex and the City. Lupa wonders how Phoebe doesn't notice her new boyfriend looks exactly like a Sex and the City character.
Clingy MacGuffin: Of a sort. Lupa shirks off reviewing Gooby - only for a duplicate copy to appear, freaking her out.
Cloudcuckoolander: Tommy Wiseau and Patrick Stewart (as played by Jeremiah) are depicted as such in her reviews of The Room and Masterminds.
Lupa herself, making videos like "Top 10 Hottest Animated Dogs" (with the rug-dog from Beauty and the Beast being number one!) or "10 Reasons Why Cool as Ice is better than Citizen Kane", and often appearing rather ditzy and offbeat in crossovers.
Lupa: It's like watching an incredibly bloody car wreck. Horrible to witness, but also really funny! The Nostalgia Critic: [speechless, and too bewildered to be fully horrified]
*Cough* Snark *Cough*: By Season Six, Leo has become Charmed's go-to Hand Waver, explaining away plot inconsistencies in six words or less. In Season 7, the sisters go off-screen and inexplicably return with Prue's old ability to astral project (from the days when each Charmed One possessed a single unique power), which Prue guarded so jealously, she never taught it to anyone while she was alive... except for Leo, of course.
If you listen, she does it again in Season Eight, when Phoebe's return to work is celebrated more than the Pope's coronation and the birth of Prince George combined.
She mentions how the man on the cover of Vampire Assassin is not in the movie, nor is the scene depicted on the cover of 13 seconds.
She says that the cover of Teen Sorcery, instead of making you think the movie will be better than it is, makes it look terrible in a different way.
She also notes that the vampire-y looking fellow on the cover of Blood Red Moon is nowhere in the film.
Credits Gag: Following his five-year absence, Neighbor Dan's name appears in an evidence room dedicated to "disappeared" victims of the Halliwells. Presuming this means Dan was not merely Put on a Bus, but butchered and buried somewhere off-screen, the same fate awaits each of the sisters' one-off boyfriends. Lupa declares that nothing can top this plot twist, and immediately rolls credits. (Charmed S.7)
She pulled this again in Season 8, after the Halliwell's manor exploded (again). First she speeds through the usual credits, then blares "Don't Stop Believin'" as the sisters lie bleeding, then finally plays the segue music from Clue before returning to the show.
Jill's Nancy Drew-style mystery plot is roundly mocked, especially when she takes her sugar daddy at his word when he says he hasn't murdered anyone, honest. Case closed, Matlock music up and out. (Baywatch: "The Drowning Pool")
Curse Cut Short: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation leads to several cases of Lupa going "FUUUUUU —"
Dance Party Ending: Teen Sorcery and Sleepy Hollow High ended with this, so Lupa joins in. When in Rome...
Death Is a Slap on the Wrist: In addition to Charmed frequently having Disney Death moments, she takes umbrage with the later seasons having anyone (who isn't Shannen Doherty), being easily able to come back as a ghost or a Whitelighter, rendering death itself practically meaningless within the show.
Lupa: Grandma ghost can't stay in her coffin long enough for anyone to miss her!
In her review of Howling VII she refers to two characters as Inspector Detective and Father Priest.
"That's the official name by the way. 'Ass Blasters™.' They're called 'Ass Blasters™.' Officially."
Determinator: Crowfoot, the Kate Hodge TV pilot so awful, it was buried at the ends of the Earth. They didn't bury it deep enough.
Lupa: I am nothing if not sad, creepy, and determined.
Deus ex Machina: Stated as being the preferred method of fixing problems on Charmed, and directly calls Leo the show's favorite Deus Ex Machina. Even has a catchphrase for it: "Makes it easy!"
Dissimile: "[The Black Ninja] is like Daredevil, only he's not blind and doesn't have superpowers."
Dissonant Laughter: She did chuckle at the elderly, wheelchair-bound man getting electrocuted in Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.. So the film wasn't a total loss.
After the hero of Gymkata accidentally kicks a random pedestrian in the face while swinging from a bar, she giggles and says "I have no words."
"Grams" Halliwell being eaten alive by a wolf. (Charmed S.5)
Designated Hero: In-Universe. In Magic Island, she notes that the "buccaneer" heroes basically have the same goal as the "pirate" villains; the only difference seems to be if they want the treasure to spend or just for the adventure of getting it.
"I feel like I've seen the meeting of two titans."
Dude Magnet: At the very least, she has Todd in the Shadows and Nash's little animated stickman pining after her. Lampshaded in her cameos in the Linkara/Phelous crossover review of The AirZone Solution?, after one tries to get her to recreate a bedroom scene.
The opening for Linkara's Rise of Arsenal #3&4 review adds another notch.
Welshy: Oh my god! She got another one. Film Brain now is in love with Obscurus Lupa.
Her crossover review of Simon Sez with The Critic added 90's Kid
90's Kid: Hey can I do the crossover with you guys? Nostalgia Critic: No! 90's Kid: But I wrote a script. Here i'll read it to you: 90's Kid and Lupa make out. No wait, that's my fanfiction. Oh here it is! 90's Kid and Lupa make out!
The Blockbuster Buster's Nerdlinger faints everytime a poster of Lupa pops up. Even ERod uses this to make Nerdlinger stop interrupting.
ERod: I wonder why only nerdy goobers are attracted to this girl.
Dude, Not Funny!: Her in-universe reaction to Johnny laughing at Mark's story in The Room about a woman ending up in a hospital.
invokedCurrently, her favorites are Stephanie Beaton as Lutznote (Yes, Lutz was gender-flipped at one point.) and Mikul Robins a.k.a. the "third regeneration" (and definitive) Garner.
Baywatch's Trevor. You know, it's just possible that he might be from Australia.
She is inordinately fond of Baywatch's other bit players, like real-life heroes "Newmie" Newman and "Shippy McBoatington" (actually Greg Barnett, legendary stuntman with a mile-long IMBD page).
Everyone Is Related: Fresh off the revaluation that the Police Chief is the father of Undefeatable's male leads (at least according to Godfrey Ho's Chinese dub), Ed Glaser pops up to reveal that he's Lupa's long-lost brother.
Film Felons: She was thoroughly unimpressed by the application of this trope in Razor Sharpe, pointing out that Sharpe should really have been more suspicious of the fact that the "film" he was in lacked a script, rehearsals and really almost everything you need to make a film.
Fridge Logic: Invoked in Charmed, when she wonders who wrote the Power of Three spells before the Charmed Ones existed and how they knew they'd even work, since no-one else could use them? Or if you can simply substitute one of their relatives to make the spell work, what precisely makes the Charmed Ones so special anyway?
Freudian Excuse: Notices this in both Undefeatable and Zombie Nation to which she remarks, "Not another antagonist with mommy issues."
Funny Background Event: Ash and Checkers love to interrupt shooting. Lampshaded in the stinger for Rapid Fire.
"Oooh mah naym's Ash! I luv ruinin all teh takez! Imma be in moviez an have mah own trailuh!"
When the Little Miss Gamer lookalike bites the dust, Lupa's cat appears to salute as well. (Blood Red Moon)
Gag Censor: Lupa obeys the letter of the law, if not the spirit. When Scott Shaw objected to her reviews of his films, she posted them again... only this time, with crude MSPaint renderings of Shaw's footage, vocal imitations of the sound effects, and an impromptu rap at the end.
Good Times Montage: Lupa shares some girl bonding time with Cythia Rothrock — sort of. Actually, she spends the montage chatting and prancing around with a bunch of Rothrock DVDs. (A Seagal film somehow slips into the pile, but Lupa throws it aside.)
"A Man For All Seasons" plays out Witchcraft 4, as Charles Soloman Junior takes his final bow. In many ways, he was too good for the Witchcraft series... which is horrifying to contemplate.
Charmed got a few, including a capstone montage in the finale. It consists of dodgy FX and narm-y (read: series-defining) moments from the whole run.
"Phoebe Phashion" got it's own heartfelt montage as well, this time showcasing her entire deplorable clothing line during this eight-season siege. The music? "Devil in a Blue Dress" by the Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels.
Lutz and Garner (all six of them) received an " In memoriam" featuring Sarah Mclachlan. (Witchcraft XI)
Hope Spot: Lupa's Law always obtains: If it sounds like a cool idea, Charmed will find a way to make it stupid. She uses this statement as a bumper to each Myth Arc the series puts forward. (see seasons 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8.)
On the upside, you can rely on the show to take an awful idea and...er, "make it worse." (s.8)
Lupa: Fireman Greg only wishes he could be Neighbor Dan. But only ONE man could master such levels of superfluousness!
Hypocritical Humour: She pokes fun of Zombie Nation for using headshots of its actresses during a news segment. Immediately afterwards, her own headshot appears on-screen.
It turns out her review of 13 seconds is.... All Just a Dream.
Radu's terrified description of "that long-haired goon", Tommy Wiseau.
"I wouldn't want to run into someone like that in a dark alley, let me tell you."
Laughing at Kate Hodge getting jilted over the phone and swigging wine. "What a loser!" Lupa proceeds to swig wine and frown at her phone while "The Lonely Man" plays.
A frustrated Oan asks why she has Buffy the Vampire Slayer memorized down to the last detail. Lupa scoffs that saw "a bit" of it. This of course triggers a flashback cut to 90s!Lupa gorging on chips and sobbing.
She does a list of "The Top 10 Hottest Animated Dogs", but acts sickened at people who find the mice from The Great Mouse Detective to be attractive.
"Eww! You actually thought that? No, it's the fucking dog you weirdo. I can't even ... I'm scared to continue with this list now; I feel like a bunch of perverts are watching."
Radu scoffs at Super Christian for still living with his mother, only to be shouted at by his own "mommy" (also the show's producer).
I Know Karate: The number of people in Undefeatable that turn out to know martial arts leads Lupa to declare she would not be surprised if it turned out a kid in a grocery store scene turned out to know karate too.
Played straight in Witchery much to her annoyance.
Averted in Angel of Fury but done in such a narmtastic way she giggles nonstop.
Inferred Holocaustinvoked: Vampegeddon has its heroine, Liz, get possessed by the ghost of the (male) vampire hunter Longshank. At the end of the film, she's still being possessed, and it's implied it's a permanent effect.
Invoked in the Charmed reviews about Piper's casual removal of the Golden Gate Bridge with people still on it. Later this extends to pretty much everything Wyatt does, since the Cleaners who's job it is to enforce the masquerade can't bring people back to life, meaning a lot of people died when Wyatt summoned the Dragon that lay waste to San Francisco.
Other, smaller examples include the sisters' causal "racism" against leprechauns, and the trauma of faking their deaths (complete with a wake) with Piper's kids in attendance, standing around in formal wear with uncomprehending looks on their faces.
The kitty in Sesame Street Christmas has no home; he "belongs to the garbage cans and alleys of the world", which is where Lupa reckons this movie belongs.
invoked In Charmed S.6, Phobe poses a question which has "baffled women since of beginning time": Why are men such poopyheads?
Lupa: Hey Phoebe, maybe you can help me understand something that's baffled women since the beginning of time: Why do they continue to be represented by shows that think a woman shouldn't even tell a dude she's breaking up with him before jumping on the date wagon? Why do they set up a double standard that makes all of us look stupid?
Lupa: You call this a Dr. Pepper? It's completely flat! Jeremiah:(sticks straw in soda, blows into it)
Just a Stupid Accent: Shark Attack 3 is set Mexico "where everyone speaks English, but with a slight accent".
Jump Cut: A frequent peeve. She does this herself in her review of Undefeatable
Kaleidoscope Hair: The commentary for Undefeatable explained that she had been changing her hair color regularly for most of her life, and that her first few videos (including Undefeatable) caught her at a rare moment when she had returned to her natural color.
Madness Makeover: Lupa desperately keeps trying to spice up American Ninja 4's fights, to little effect. Eventually, she starts grinning madly, repeating "I can still save it!" while her hair becomes unkempt.
Lupa's name is an aversion, as she explained that her name does not mean she only does obscure movies, it is Latin for "Dark She-Wolf" (Explanation here. Basically, her name should've been obscura lupa). It is rather unfortunate, though, that lupa was also Latin slang for "prostitute".
She sarcastically goes "subtle movie" during her Teen Sorcery review when we find out the love interest's surname is Charming.
Meganekko: Lupa sports glasses in her Hell Comes to Frogtown video. Muy bien.
Memetic Sex Goddess: There's an In-Universe running gag in TGWTG videos that everyone's in love with her. It started with Todd in the Shadows (who's developed into quite the Stalker with a Crush now) and gradually broadened to encompass other TGWTG guys.
Welshy: Oh my god! She got another one. Film Brain now is in love with Obscurus Lupa.
90s Kid even has both a fanfic and a script where he and Lupa make out.
Metaphorgotten: Use when describing the plot of The Black Ninja: "The plot goes like so: it's Daredevil, but he isn't blind, and doesn't have superpowers. Yep. That's it."
Mistaken for Profound: Almost, but not quite; The Amazing Bulk is so ineptly made, Lupa wonders if she's accidentally bumbled into an art film. "Should Oancitizen be reviewing this?"
In the penultimate video for the Charmed reviews, Lupa is struck by the realization that the entire series has been an elaborate chess game by Aaron Spelling and Brad Kern: We are presented with three protagonists, blessed with unbridled magical potential and destined for greatness. Gradually, however, the sisters are seduced by their power and become corrupt, leading to the creation of three Darth Vaders. Against all odds, their protégé and her sister, who was raised by evil, must rise up and destroy these fallen heroes who stand ready to destroy the very world they were intended to save. Fin.
In another non-romantic moment, Lupa and The Nostalgia Chick are friendly after watching Hope And Glory together, until Todd appears and Lupa's stinging rejection of him causes the Chick to attack her.
In keeping with the site-wide Running Gag, she tends to play "Ghost Love Score" whenever she deems it necessary, such as a fight scene in Vampire Assassin where a secondary character who never even gets a name punches out a vampire while dragging the unconscious protagonist with the other hand.
Musical Gag: A big issue she has with Razor Sharpe was its cheaply-choreographed battles, particularly as it was made to show off the star's fighting abilities. It gets to the point where Lupa declares she can choreograph a better fight scene, we then cut to her and her friends fighting with toy guns set to "Ghost Love Score."
During the poorly staged fights in Blood Red Moon she takes to singing "fail" to the tune of eine kleine nachtmusik.
"This was not supposed to happen! ...I could be reviewing Witchcraft 138 right now!"
At the conclusion of that review, Billie —lauded by Lupa as the New Hope of the Charmed universe— is treated to Bonnie Tyler's "I Need A Hero" during her final, no-holds barred knuckle fight with the last surviving Halliwell (the Alpha and Omega), Piper.
Over the course of the Charmed reviews, she took to referring to Phoebe as "AskPhobe" or "The Great Phoebe One." The girls' beefcake boyfriends are less fortunate, being re-branded as "Neighbor Dan", "Poop" (his name is Coop, but "I don't care, that's why I get paid to be a critic and you don't"), and "Nick Lackey."
She groped for words to described the diehard fabase, known as "Charmed...ers. (beat) Charm-hards. (beat)Charmanders." (S.8)
Nightmare Fuel: Lupa and Iron Liz's in-universe reaction to the "children's" movie Gooby.
Lady Dragon 2's final fight montage. Partly used to commemorate Rothrock's and Norton's last hurrah, but mostly to rejoice in the Plucky Comic Relief getting beat up.
The Leo Wyatt abuse reel. (Charmed S.5)
Off-the-Shelf FX: Much to Lupa's disbelief, a GameCube is used as a prop in a science lab in X-treme Fighter. Even worse, the virtual reality helmet is a bicycle helmet with Christmas lights on it. This prompts her to apologize to Stakes for making fun of their CGI.
Plays again when Ed Glaser reveals he's Lupa's brother.
Only One Name: Remarks that Dakota from China O Brien has only one name- like Cher or Madonna.
OOC Is Serious Business: Lupa loves bad movies and she usually has something positive to say about them. If Lupa is angered or crying because of a movie's badness (e.g: Pocket Ninjas, Monster High), it's usually a good sign of how awful the film is.
"A Reverend, wearing an eyepatch, trying to mow down a boy on a rocket-powered wheelchair."
"I'd never thought I'd ever say this, but the climax of the film involves Holmes in a hot air balloon fighting Iron Man in a giant robot dragon while Watson rides on horseback to stop an android from blowing up Buckingham Palace."
"A main character on this show is a magical handyman." "They put the disease into a ninja action figure that comes to life and stabs it into people." "This plot was solved by French Stewart as a genie."note "I can't but feel this speaks volumes about the quality of the program." "Phoebe has a crush on a 1950s movie star, and one time, these monkeys get their powers." "Woe to the man whose destiny is to become a magical ice cream truck driver." "So, now Cole and Phoebe rule the underworld from their apartment." "Holy shit, did he just turn his Chinese food into a fireball?!" "The bonding process can begin: And by that I mean they go back in time and fight a T-Rex." "Chris is turning into Spider-Man as this goes on, and Piper turns him back by drinking the antidote and affecting him in the womb." "In this show's canon, Wyatt Halliwell is the King of England." "They shoot the gnome to death." "How is it not news that the world's most famous advice columnist suddenly went crazy and rode naked on a horse?" "Because there were two blue moons that year, the girls have become PMS werewolves.
Record Needle Scratch: The filter she uses for the Creepshow 3 review mimics the classic EC Comics upon which the original Creepshow was based. When it comes time to review the lazy cash-in sequel, the music stops and bright lights abruptly turn on.
Rooting for the Empireinvoked: Lupa finds herself siding with the mutant frogs in the Frogtown series, if only because they know good music.
The "Lonely Man" theme plays when her beloved "Vampire Hulk" gets staked. (Vampires Assassin)
She was actually pulling for Radu for all four films; even as he became less and less violent, and more like an Anne Rice character.
Radu automatically does this with every film he reviews.
Gimli coming at Golddigger with a garden hose. (Robot in the Family)
"Yes, YES, kill it!! John Rhys-Davies, you're my hero!"
Radu interprets Tommy Wiseau as the true demon in The House That Drips Blood on Alex.
The only person on Sesame Street she can even tolerate is Oscar, who really speaks to her.
In her Charmed reviews, she considers the Charmed Ones (particularly Phoebe) to be Designated Heroes. It gets to the point where, in Season 4, she says, "It makes you root for the Source of All Evil because he seems nice in comparison." In season 6, during the high school reunion episode, the Alpha Bitch calls Phoebe a selfish whore to her face in as catty a manner as possible, and Lupa can't actually argue against it.
Through extensive use of editing, she re-cut Season 8 of Charmed to suit her personal headcanon: that of a Star Wars-type struggle between the morally depraved Charmed Ones and their younger, seditious protégé.
Rouge Angles of Satin: The DVD packaging of Blood Red Moon advertises "behind the sceens" extras. Oh boy!
"Club Annocer" in the end credits of Witchcraft 4. Sounds French.
Charles Solomon Junior's "Hulk Yell." The original clip had CSJ keeping his pimp-hand strong by backhanding his mother. Later editions have William hitting whatever is tormenting him at the moment, including a nightclub sign.
As noted, the *extreme zoom-in* with a blaring music sting is used specifically for banal plot 'twists'; two in succession in her Sherlock Holmes crossover with The Snob prompted him to lampshade appropriately:
Snob: What the fuck was THAT?!
Reinterpreting The Mystical Adventures of Billy Owens as Harry Potter in Canada.
"Hogwarts has nothing on Random Canadian Elementary."
She takes great delight in reminding us that, by the film's calculations, the majority of the Witchcraft series is set in THE FUTURE. This makes the wildly anachronistic clothes and cars hilarious.
"Yep. Year 2020 is gonna be steamy."
THANKS, COLEBAMA! (Charmed)
Reached its apogee in Season Eight, when she barked, "THANKS OLD PIPERBAMA!" (It makes sense in context.) In contrast to the sarcastic quote above, Lupa had a legitimate beef this time.
"Fishnet workshirt, Renaissance fair outfit, flamenco shirt/hip-rap combo with detached sleeves, furry-sleeve nightmare shirt, a collection of ever-lowering pants, Cinderella outfit, and.... tyyyyyping gloooooves????"
Lupa later concludes that Phoebe is flipping through some sort of "Horrible Outfits of the World" theme, judging by the anachronisms.
Whenever Phoebe laments her inability to get guys, we flash back to Cole hanging from a cliff in Hell.
Unflattering screencaps of the Charmed Ones.
The ever-increasing pile of severed heads on Piper's mantle. (S.8)
Whitelighter inconsistencies. Astoundingly, the list gets longer with each passing year, to the point where she suspects the writers are trolling her deliberately.
And later, shouting DUN DUN DUN whenever anybody in possession of a penis appears.
"He installed a basketball hoop in her office, that son of a bitch!!" "That's upside-down! Only women can take care of babies!" "Stupid testicle-mongers, with their article stealing and dreamy ways!" "This is how men talk about the foot-ball, right?"
With Phelan, saying "It's not weird!" very quickly in her "dog" voice (as opposed to the "mean cat" voice used for Ash).
Since Mitch's wit is on par with a 3-year-old, he continually finds himself being out-witted by his 12-year old son Hobie, triggering a Kill Bill stand off between the two.
Much ribbing of Y.K. Kim's phonetic reading of or-pans" and Jim's never-ending quest to create a world without pants. (Miami Connection) There are also some disquieting comparisons made to Samurai Cop.
Sarcasm Mode: "And we all know bad quality makes reading subtitles a breeze!" in the Bloody Mary Killer review.
Piper and Phoebe both speak in this voice, to increasingly hilarious effect. (See also "Annoying Laugh")
Skewed Priorities: Gets a lot of mileage out of the incredibly important things the Charmed Ones will blow off over petty personal issues. Monster hunting them, putting their own and innocents' lives at risk? Shopping! Cosmic balance at risk? Not doing anything until you deal with your relationship issue with the Guy of the Week! Entire universe at risk of destruction? Going to work! That shitty love advice isn't going to write itself!
Slasher Smile: Lupa's hilariously creepy rictus when the Chick demands to know how she got into her apartment.
Chick: Have you been there all night...and day?? It's like 5pm.
From her joint review of The Asylum's Sherlock Holmes with the Cinema Snob:
Snob: Uhhggh, this is gonna be one of those kinda movies, isn't it. Lupa: *Grins insanely at him*
Slut Shaming: Lupa's constant calling Phoebe a whore makes her realize she needs to make a clarification: she does not have a problem with people being sexually liberated, but Phoebe uses her boyfriends, cheats on them, is dishonest with them, otherwise treats them like garbage, and is a terrible human being in general. She is not shaming sexually liberated people, she's just targeting this one particular slut.
Having a muggle stepson in the family is cause enough to bar him from seeing his children.(!!!)
Beautiful people are usually stupid, hollow human beings stuck on themselves — Phoebe excepted, of course! (S.8)invoked
A childless woman at 31 is, for all intents and purposes, a corpse. (S.8, again)
Hobie's Arson, Murder, and Lifesaving in "The Sky is Falling" (after he nearly gets his friends stranded and killed in the wilderness) is followed by a sparkling graphic reading CONSEQUENCES! Alternatively, Eddie tries the same tactic with his ungrateful Captain and gets written up, to the accompaniment of Losing Horns.
Stop Being Stereotypical: Her biggest criticism of Charmed, aside from the camp, was its tongue-in-cheek misandry which Lupa thinks skirted close to media stereotypes of how "feminists" think. Not to mention own-goaling their cause by stealing all of Paige's duties and handing them over to Leo, or depicting Phoebe as a disillusioned career woman, or Piper as a shrewish housewife, or...
Grams: Men are like utensils! You use them, wash them, and throw them in a drawer until you need them!
Stunned Silence: Musical interludes have this effect on her. The cheesier, the better.
She does not bode well during Pocket Ninjas and Robot in the Family.
Though her face speaks volumes. Specifically, "wuh duh fuh?"
"...I am five minutes closer to death now."
Transvestite Leatherface. (Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation)
Rudolf the Reindeer being put down by a cowboy's bullet. (Two Front Teeth)
The Amazing Bulk is filmed entirely in front of a bad green screen, in parody of the actual film.
In Pterodactyl, Lupa replaces the previous episode's song with a "crappy montage" set to I'll Tumble 4 Ya.
Her Lady Dragon 2 review climaxes with a stylistically sucky montage of her goofing around with her Cynthia Rothrock movie collection set to Wake me up before you go go
She finishes her Teen Sorcery review with some bad dancing set to the song played at the big dance at the end of the film.
Roller Samurai Vampire Slayers, a parody of the so-called "Zen filmmaking" style (essentially Throw It Ininvoked: The Movie).
Suckiness Is Painful: During the American Ninja reviews, Lupa makes a running gag of dubbing bad music over the fight scenes. American Ninja 4 however is so bad that the last fight scene is accompanied by, rather than music, Lupa sobbing.
Robot in the Family feels like death. Consider for a moment that Lupa loves bad movies, and that that this is one of the few that really hurt her to watch.
Suspiciously Specific Denial: "So, like, I'm totally not doing anything illegal, 'specially if I found a puppy one time, and maybe things got out of hand, and I had this whole lawsuit going on, but, I mean, nothing really happened, and I paid for the cab, so like, what's the problem?"
Swiper, No Swiping!: Her main criticism of the Avatars in season 7 of Charmed is that they spend thousands of years planning their takeover, then give up the moment they encounter any resistance to it.
In the same vein: the Halliwells are seen trolling their own funeral in disguise and complimenting the turnout. Lupa snaps at Piper by name, then refers to Paige's double as "Livia." (Adrienne Wilkinson plays both.) Bitter much?
"Shouldn't you be ruining Xena right about now?!"
Lupa wondered aloud at the lyrical "genius" who composed the lyrics to Black Ninja's theme song; or more accurately, the one lyric.
Todd in the Shadows:(scribbles lyrics) This movie's gonna make me!
There have been several shots aimed at the movie Gerry, which Lupa claims to be the worst film she has ever seen.
In Tremors 3, she assures the viewer that, although Jack's hick accent sounds broad and fake, it's actually real. "He's like the Film Brain of Texans."
A Closeup on Head of Lupa (now driven mad by Witchcraft sequels) donning a leather jacket and calling herself "Dark Lupa". This is revealed to a fake-out, or more accurately, and excuse to show off her new hair color. (Witchcraft 8)
In reaction to S.7 Piper and Leo being unable to have sex without ending the universe, Lupa exclaims, "Buffy at least waited until the comics before starting this shit!"
The Tape Knew You Would Say That: Whenever someone tries to extoll the virtues of Charmed'sJerkass gods, we see a repeat of their "unspeakable wrath" bluster from Season 2. (Which later turns out to have been an utterly empty threat, big surprise.)
When the sisters announce that they're off to train the younger generation of witches, Leo asks how he can help, to which Piper flatly replies, "You don't. We do." Cut to Leo holding a pointer stick (!) and instructing Billie on her spells.
Caption:Pictured: Them doing it.
Tempting Fate: Lupa was so enthused about the frog band in Return to Frog Town that the universe snapped back at her with the frog lounge singers.
Lupa does one in preparation for her Lady Dragon 2 review, set to the music from the first Lady Dragon. We see her exercise her thumb via a DVD remote, box a guy with a sign reading "RICHARD NORTON" taped to his chest, and bench-press her cat.
Troperiffic: Being a show about critical deconstruction of B-movies, this is pretty much unavoidable.
She later observes that "Gymkata" is like regular karate with more unnecessary flips and wooshing sounds.
She calls out Fatal Deviation for having one. In this case, the Jimmy rolls across a car and back for no reason whatsoever in the middle of a fight.
The Untwist: Lupa really hates how Howling IV attempts to present the story as a mystery, despite the fact that this is the fourth movie in the series and the audience is well aware this is a werewolf movie.
Unwanted Harem: She is not remotely happy about being a Dude Magnet. Justified since Todd tends to get creepy or awkward fast, as do almost every other guy who goes after her, her dynamic with the Critic is the usual fem!dommy sexual tension he has with every woman, and she's in a committed relationship.
"My question is, why did John and Elizabeth need Grace [to have John's baby]? I mean, let's not pretend the mother-and-son thing would bother them. They're evil and stuff, why not cut out the middle man?"
Villain Protagonist: Her take on the Charmed Ones in later seasons, to the point where she jokes that "Anakin-ing" the sisters as the true villains all along in Season 8 would have been a vast improvement.
Visible Boom Mic: Has a counter on the screen every time the boom mic appears in shot in Razor Sharpe.
Voodoo Shark: In Vampire Dog, Fang claims he can only eat red Jello because when he was first turned into a vampire, he only ate the hoofs and antlers of other animals. Lupa points out that: a) this doesn't explain why he has to eat red Jello specifically, and b) if Fang can only sustain himself by eating collagen, then there are many other foods he could eat that contain the protein.
When She Smiles: You occasionally get a moment where Lupa is down in the dumps, having written off the movie as totally bad... and then something magical happens, something you'll never find in a mainstream films, and she's reminded of why she loves Z-movies. And we're reminded of why we love her. QED.
Wire Fu: After a lackluster example in Xtreme Fighter she comments "just because you have wirework available doesn't mean you should use it."
See the page topper quote. For context, the scene revolves around two mages fighting over a 'levitating' magic staff, which the hero repeatedly bends down to pick up. To use as a blunt instrument.
"Worst. Fight. Everrr."
In the third season of Charmed, the sisters' dead relatives are brought back as exposition-spouting ghosts who can be summoned at will. The anticlimatic nature of this plot convenience, played to the hilt in Grandma's case, isn't helped by Victor's nonplussed, Munsters-style delivery of, "A'ight, who brought my ex-wife back from the dead?" This is the worst line of TV dialogue she's ever heard.
X Meets Y: The masks worn by the villains of Lady Dragon 2, a cross between Doctor Doom and Jason Voorhees.