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Web Video: If The Emperor Had A Text To Speech Device
— The God-Emperor of Mankind

''If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech device is a serie of web videos made by Bruva Alfabusa, asking the question of what exactly would happen if the Emperor of Mankind woke up and saw the current state of the Warhammer 40,000 universe. Hilarity Ensues as the Emperor proceeds to have some...colorful critiques about the universe as well as it's numerous Retcon over the years.

Episodes 1 through 10 comprise Season 1. Season 2 is in production with help from Karl the Deranged.

The web videos provides examples of:

  • An Arm and a Leg: In the crossover with The Fate of Abbadon, the Emperor rips Abbadon's arms off and then warps him into space.
  • Animation Bump/Art Evolution: Season 2 is a massive improvement overall in animation quality.
  • Berserk Button: Religion.
    • Don't tell the Emperor that you have costed him a Emperor-class Battleship when other options were available. Just don't.
    • Also don't ask him about the Traitor Legions. His anger at this line of thought makes the loss of an Emperor-class Battleship look tame by comparison.
  • Burning with Anger: The God-Emperor does this a few times.
  • Card-Carrying Moron: The Master of the Administratum (third High Lord from the left) isn't just a useless piece of shit, he aspires to be a useless piece of shit.
  • Computer Voice: The Emperor's Text-To-Speech device, of course.
  • Creator's Pet: Endlessly mocked with the Emperor's attempt to get the Ultramarines killed and their Primarch, Guilliman, unplugged from life support.
  • Cuteness Proximity: The Emperor loves having a Centurion seated on his lap because he thinks it's adorable. Inverted when he sees the Dreadkight, which He finds absolutely horrible.
  • Establishing Character Moment: The first words out of Emperor's mouth- er, speakers, are "About fucking time. I have so many things to complain about."
  • Everyone Has Standards: The High Lords of Terra outlawed saying the name of the Old-Folks-Home Planet and don't react well when Fyodor mentions going there to find new High Lords of Terra after killing the present ones.
  • Exact Words: While Ecclesiarch Decius reluctantly agreed to let the Inquisition conduct their investigation in Holy Terra about the disbandment message, he told Karamazov not to spill the blood of its population. Karamazov agreed, and promptly told his men to burn them instead.
  • Fourth Wall Mail Slot: A planned episode, to take place before episode 13.
  • Freudian Slip: The Emperor's webway may or may not have been an excuse to score some Eldar hookers. Similarly conversations about the Tau may or may not be a place for our Custodes friend to make penis innuendos.
  • Fun with Subtitles: Occasionally, subtitles have their own gags added to them to emphasize certain things. Helps a lot when the most talkative person in the series doesn't have any ability to emphasize naturally.
  • Grumpy Old Man: The High Lords of Terra are basically what 1d4chan imagines them to be: a bunch of old, useless farts who make things worse through their idiocy.
    • The Emperor acts like a grumpy dad, equating the fall of nine of his primarchs to Chaos with "rebellious teenage phases".
  • He-Man Woman Hater: The Emperor recalls the end of the Reign of Blood less favorably and explains that he didn't make female Astartes because he thinks girls are yucky.
  • Hollywood Atheist: The Emperor is presented as a particularly extreme, not to mention smug and hypocritical example of atheist fundamentalism.
    Emperor: I DESTROYED ALL ASSHOLE RELIGIONS THAT EXISTED ON TERRA. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
    Custodes: Because you are the one true God, my lord?
    Emperor WRONG. IT IS BECAUSE RELIGION IS STUPID, SUPERSTITIOUS BRAINWASHING CRAP THAT MAKES YOU AN ASSHOLE. THIS IS WHY I SPECIFICALLY SAID WHEN DESIGNING THE IMPERIAL TRUTH, THAT EQUALITY, SCIENCE AND GALAXY CONQUEST IS THE WAY TO GO. AND RELIGION NEEDS TO BE THROWN OUT A WINDOW.
    • A God I Am Not: As with the canon, the Emperor has major gripes with being called a god, and because of this disbands the Inquisition and Ecclesiarchy.
  • I Love the Dead: Alicia Dominica is a bit TOO into The Emperor.
  • Inconvenient Itch: In addition of feeling endless torment of having his soul torn apart bit by bit by feeding the Astronomican, the Emperor also has an itch on his nose, despite not having the nose anymore, courtesy of Nurgle.
  • Jerkass Woobie: Yes, the Emperor is definitely not a nice guy. But, given everything he has had to put up with for the past ten thousand years and his present state, along with him discovering how far the imperium has decayed after all the work he put in to creating it...it's hard not to feel at-least a little sorry for him.
  • Knight of Cerebus: Fyodor Karamazov. As soon as he enters the story, things gets ever-so-slightly more serious.
  • Macho Camp: The other Custodes, who dress like the Pillar Men. Note that this is actually canon to an extent: Custodes uniform, outside of their Power Armor is Stripperiffic. They are also all men.
  • Meanwhile Scene: When the Custodes Captain-General is about to explain the Inquisition to the Emperor, the video cuts to the Imperial Guard in middle of several warp storms.
    God-Emperor: I THINK I SHAT OUT AT LEAST 5 WARP STORMS DURING THAT PRESENTATION.
    • Happens again in Episode 12 when the Custodes, eager to change the subject, mentions the Traitor Legions. Then the episode cuts to Mars, with some tech-priests discussing a newly discovered STC-fragment.
  • Most Annoying Sound: In-universe; helmet-mounted lingua-technis mouthpieces sound like bad dial-up modems, and the Emperor psychically punches anyone using them.
  • Names to Run Away From Really Fast: He thinks that Goge Vandire, the man behind the Age of Apostasy has that kind of name.
  • Only a Flesh Wound: Marneus Calgar's duel with the Swarmlord is basically them reenacting the the King Arthur vs Black Knight scene, with the Lord Macragge being the Black Knight.
  • Perpetual Frowner: In Episode 7, Emps demands that he always have someone close-by to "tell me stupid shit I can complain about". He also manages to pull this trope off in the literal sense despite being a skull, which has to count for something.
  • Reasonable Authority Figure: Among the High Lords, the Lord Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard tries to be this to a very minor extent. He tries to impede the other High Lords from weakening the Imperial Guard, by keeping laxatives and air legal.
    • Also, the Ecclesiarch, even after having his organization disbanded by the Emperor, tries to prevent Karamazov from killing all of the Custodes.
  • Record Needle Scratch: The other Custodes' entry into the scene begins with this before playing Awake from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure (AYYYAAAYAAAIII!)
  • Something Else Also Rises: When a Dark Mechanicus notices a huge, phallic Emperor-class battleship floating through the warp:
    This is getting me harder than Terminator armor!
  • Stupid Sexy Flanders: Dominique gets sexually confused by the presence of the half-naked Custodes.
  • The Reveal: The Custodes who has been chatting with the Emperor the whole time is actually the Captain-General, leader of the entire Adeptus Custodes. He manages to use this power to dissuade Karamazov from burning the High Lords.
  • Unexplained Recovery: The Fabricator General (High Lord on the far right) malfunctions and self-destructs. No one comments on it, and he's back alive within fifteen seconds.
  • The Unfavourite: Emps really doesn't like Magnus the Red.
    Custodes: Oh! So... Everything is Magnus's fault?
    God-Emperor: DEFINITELY. IF I COULD, I'D BRUTALLY SPANK MAGNUS UNTIL HIS ASS WOULD TURN SO RED THAT HIS FACE WOULD LOOK PALE IN COMPARISON.
    Big E: I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS A FAGGOT. IS HE STILL ALIVE?
    Custodes: Barely. He was almost killed... He's in stasis right now, just like you.
    Emperor: CUT HIS LIFE SUPPORTS AND DISBAND THAT STUPID FUCKING SMURF VILLAGE.
  • Yes-Man: The Custodes who guards the Emperor. In the Emperor's own words, he's basically a brainwashed idiot who can only gush about everything and do as the Emperor tells him. Being the Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes, a High Lord of Terra, politicking is a good part of his job alongside guarding the Emperor.
  • You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!: The Emperor's reaction to a lot of things.
    Emperor: SO, THE NECRONS AND THE BLOOD ANGELS DID WHAT?
I'm a Marvel... And I'm a DCWeb VideoImmersion

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