Web Video: If The Emperor Had A Text To Speech Device
— First words of the reawakened God-Emperor of Mankind
''If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech device
is a series of web videos made by Bruva Alfabusa
, asking the question of what exactly would happen if the Emperor of Mankind woke up and saw the current state of the Warhammer 40,000
universe. Hilarity Ensues
as the Emperor proceeds to have some... colorful critiques about the universe as well as it's numerous Retcon
over the years and the overarching plot emerges slowly.
The story follows the Emperor as he tries to "unfuck" the galaxy
, his personal caretaker "Little Kitten"
fulfilling half of a Double Act
with the Emperor, the Inquisition trying to enforce their own martial law on Holy Terra and Magnus the Red returning to the Emperor's side for not-as-of-yet revealed purposes
Episodes 1 through 10 comprise Season 1. Season 2 is in production with help from Karl the Deranged
. Now has a Recap page
The web videos provides examples of:
- A Date with Rosie Palms: The Adeptus Custodes, though "only on Thursdays".
- A God Am I: While Emps denies his own divinity, he also states that he's the only one who could legitimately make that claim.
- He also remarks "Holy mother of myself," at one point in episode 14.
- An Arm and a Leg: In the crossover with The Fate of Abbadon, the Emperor rips Abbadon's arms off and then warps him into space.
- Animation Bump/Art Evolution: Season 2 is a massive improvement overall in animation quality.
- Beethoven Was an Alien Spy: The Emperor was Moses and Christian Chandler!
- Berserk Button:
- Religion. Even if it's worshipping the Emperor. Especially if it's worshipping the Emperor.
- Don't tell the Emperor that you have costed him a Emperor-class Battleship when other options were available. Just don't. That said, he'll forgive such an act if it actually accomplishes something meaningful.
- Also don't ask him about the Traitor Legions. His anger at this line of thought makes the loss of an Emperor-class Battleship look tame by comparison.
- And never ever mention that any race (like the Tau) ever refuse to fight in melee. He goes apocalyptic at the mention of that.
- Marneus Calgar practically starts foaming at the mouth when he hears of the canon defiling antics his chapter gets up to. If it doesn't cause him to go into a spiral of depression, that is.
- Our Custodes Friend goes nuts at the mention of the Tau.
- Big "NO!": In "Why Kitten Hates the Tau" short, Kitten lets out a big "NO" after his great love leaves him. Then another one at the episode itself being made: THIS IS NOT FUCKING CANON!
- Big Screwed-Up Family: In episode twelve, Emperor's critique of all of his sons (bar Sanguinus) makes it look like his family was like this. Pretty much canon.
- Big "WHAT?!": The Emperor reacts this way upon learning about the division of Legions into Chapters, and our Custodes friend reacts this way when he hears that the Emperor was building the Human Webway to get access to Eldar prostitutes.
- Black Comedy: At the end of episode fourteen, Magnus runs over a couple of kids playing around the Palace.
- Blood Knight: Karamazov won't stop at anything and is sure that he's the only one who knows what's going on.
- Breaking the Fourth Wall: Episode 12 is the first to have an opening. Immediately afterwards, the Emperor wonders what it was.
- Burning with Anger: The Emperor does this when the above Berserk Buttons are pressed.
- Butt Monkey: The Emperor's caretaker and Custodes Captain-General. Half of the time, he's getting insulted by the Emperor for being a moron, while his own fellow Custodes mock him despite him being Captain-General, which they didn't even know about until Fyodor invaded the Palace
- Beware the Silly Ones: Cegorach may be the "Laughing God", and his race may be dying, but he is still a god. Ahriman finds this out the hard way when he tries to force his way into the Black library.
- Fyodor found out that as silly and cringe-worthy as the Custodes' exhibitionist and homoerotic ways are, they are still the Imperium's most powerful warriors.
- Beyond the Impossible: The Ultramarines manage to subdue and retrieve Magnus, a Daemon Prince, from the Eye of Terror. With their Gellar Shields deactivated. Yeah.
- Call Back: In episode four, the Emperor mentioned that he's still disgusted with the Dreadknight from episode one.
- Calling the Old Man Out: Magnus does it to the Emperor, pointing out that he was bullied by him for powers that the Emperor also had, that his father was insanely secretive, that he manipulated his sons and that he didn't trust them.
- Camp Gay: The other Custodes make rather... obvious remark about their attraction to the Emperor (And each other). When they are not criticizing the Inquisition's sense of fashion or jumping on the scene and posing.
My loincloth is bursting with anticipation
- Cerebus Syndrome: The first few episodes were dedicated to the Emperor caustically commenting on the state of the Imperium/thinly veiled Take Thats at the 40K canon. It isn't until the Emperor decrees that the Inquisition be disbanded that things start to get somewhat serious.
- Chirping Crickets: When the Emperor asks Magnus and Kitten whether they have heard about the War in Heaven, rebel of the Iron Men and all the times when humanity was kicking ass, awkward silence falls, wind howls and a lone Servo Skull drifts by.
- Cluster F-Bomb: The Emperor's "C", "F," "K", and "U" keys should be worn out by now.
- Comically Missing the Point: When the Emperor learns that he's worshipped as a God (and he had a very strict Stop Worshipping Me policy) and reacts with terror, Kitten is quick to assure him that the worship is holding strongly, which doesn't exactly calm the Emperor's mind.
- Computer Voice: The Emperor's Text-To-Speech device, of course.
- Curiosity Is a Crapshoot: The Emperor believes that Magnus is too curious for his own good.
- Cuteness Proximity: The Emperor loves having a Centurion seated on his lap because he thinks it's adorable. Inverted when he sees the Dreadknight, which He finds absolutely horrible.
- Deadpan Snarker:
- Digging Himself Deeper: When Kitten tells the Emperor about Inquisition, he tries to talk about good things connected to it, but ends up bringing up all the horrid things it has done.
- Discontinuity Nod: Malice/Malal, a character Games Workshop has wilfully dropped the rights to so as not to get sued, is trapped in "the retconnian".
- Dude, Where's My Respect?: The other Custodes have no respect for their Captain-General, or as they call him, Little Kitten. Hell, until episode 11, they didn't even seem to know which Custodes their Captain-General WAS. Overall they continue to treat him as competition at best.
- In a similar vein, the Emperor consistently orders the Custodes to "put some damn armour on", which they openly and flagrantly ignore.
- Easter Egg: The binary text in the "ASK ME QUESTIONS!" mini-episode reads: "I can't wait for Cypher to get to Mars so he can execute the plan." and "I think the Ultramarines are coming around with Magnus soon." The third message started out "As long as the questions don't scream about Baneblades" (an inside joke among Alfabusa videos) but was cut off by the Emperor.
- Easy Evangelism: It takes Kitten all two minutes to convince Dominica into acting against Vandire.
- Embarrassing Nickname: The Custodes in The Throne Room is referred to as "Little Kitten" by the other Custodes.
- Establishing Character Moment: The first words out of Emperor's mouth- er, speakers, are "About fucking time. I have so many things to complain about."
- Even the Guys Want Him: The only people who are not aroused by The Custodes are The Emperor, The Custodes in the Throne Room and a few Inquisitors.
- Everyone Has Standards: The High Lords of Terra outlawed saying the name of the Old-Folks-Home Planet and don't react well when Fyodor mentions going there to find new High Lords of Terra after killing the present ones.
- Evil Is Petty: Tzeentch comes across less as the Eldritch existing-in-the-past-present-and-future mastermind, and more as a petty little bully.
- Exact Words: While Ecclesiarch Decius reluctantly agrees to let the Inquisition conduct their investigation about the disbandment message on the Holy Terra, he tells Karamazov not to spill the blood of its population. Karamazov agrees, and promptly tells his men to burn them instead.
- Fantastic Racism: Surprisingly averted with the Emperor. He reveals he doesn't mind living in peace with the other alien races, he'd just prefer they accepted his idea of peace under his rule (Eldar's idea of peace is keeping humans like zoo animals, for example). Furthermore, he thinks the current Imperium's goal of trying to exterminate all aliens in the galaxy is not only impossible but also impractical.
- Flashback: More than a few times:
- In episode three, Kitten flashes back to the execution of Goge Vandire.
- In episode five, the Emperor remembers Malcador setting up what would later become Inquisition.
- In episode thirteen, Magnus has two flashback about how Tzeentch played him into becoming his pawn.
- Big part of episode sixteen is a giant flashback to the universe's past.
- The short "Why Kitten Hates the Tau" has a short flashback to Kitten's past, although this might be just Emperor trolling him.
- Foreshadowing: Our Custodes friend, the Emperor's caretaker, claims to have been the one to meet Alicia Dominica during Goge Vandire's Reign of Blood. In canon, the Custodes who met Dominica was of the rank Centurion, second only to the Captain-General. This is pretty much the only clue we get to our Custodes friend being of a much higher rank than his Butt Monkey status makes him look.
- A meta-example, but in the opening, we can see Magnus' form coming out of the shadows. Right in the episode after the opening's début, Magnus joins the character roster.
- Fourth Wall Mail Slot: Episode 12.5, while technically it is an in-universe Q&A with the Imperial citizens (and a few non-Imperials), there a few moments of breaking the fourth wall. Also, one of the notable things to come out of this is that there way too many to ask the same question: What does the Emperor think of Tau? Since he doesn't know them, he ask his caretaker, who answers that they are insignificant, to what the Emperor counters that with how many citizens asked about them, they cannot be insignificant.
- Freeze-Frame Bonus: In episode 14, Uriel Ventris is standing next to a box that reads R. A. Veldt's (Striked Out Snake Oil), Miracle Elixir.
- In episode 13, just as Magnus smashes through the Webway gate, a subtitles flashes that says "You are all free now." Then, of course, suddenly daemons.
- Freudian Slip: The Emperor's Webway may or may not have been an excuse to score some Eldar hookers. Similarly conversations about the Tau may or may not be a place for our Custodes friend to make penis innuendos.
- Fun with Subtitles: Occasionally, subtitles have their own gags added to them to emphasize certain things. Helps a lot when the most talkative person in the series doesn't have any ability to emphasize naturally.
- Go Mad from the Isolation: This is, apparently, what happened to the Custodes. According to the Captain-General, after 10,000 years of doing nothing but watching over the Emperor's body and killing the odd daemon trying to infiltrate the throne room every hundred years or so, they all fell off the deep end, hence the loin cloths and obsession with well oiled abs. The Captain-General went through a similar phase, but eventually got tired of it and became the only reasonable and sane one out of the whole lot.
- Gone Horribly Wrong: This is how The Emperor sees the Imperium at its current state.
- Grumpy Old Man: The High Lords of Terra are basically what 1d4chan imagines them to be: a bunch of old, useless farts who alternate between doing absolutely nothing and making things worse through their idiocy.
- The Emperor acts like a grumpy dad, equating the fall of nine of his primarchs to Chaos with "rebellious teenage phases". The Eldar god Khaine has the same reaction to the Chaos gods when he sees them arguing.
- The Old Ones are depicted as such in the Emperor's re-telling of the history of the universe.
- He-Man Woman Hater: The Emperor recalls the end of the Reign of Blood less favorably and explains that he didn't make female Astartes because he thinks girls are yucky.
- Heroic BSOD: The Emperor when he remembers that he created the Inquisition. The Captain-General pokes him with a stick for hours trying to get a response.
- Heroic Sacrifice: The series takes a Broad Strokes approach to the three versions of Ollanius Pius story: all three of them happened! The lone Guardsman AND the Space Marine Terminator AND the Custodes had all thrown themselves between Horus and the Emperor, in that order. The Big E thinks that the latter two did it so that they could save face from being upstaged by an ordinary human.
- Holier Than Thou: Karamazov seems to believe he's much holier than everyone so therefore his actions are justified despite the fact the Ecclesiarch and the Custodes, the Emperor's personal servants, call out on his actions. This only fuels his convictions that he is truly the most holy.
- Hollywood Atheist: The Emperor is presented as a particularly extreme, not to mention smug and hypocritical example of atheist fundamentalism.
Emperor: I DESTROYED ALL ASSHOLE RELIGIONS THAT EXISTED ON TERRA. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
Custodes: Because you are the one true God, my lord?
Emperor WRONG. IT IS BECAUSE RELIGION IS STUPID, SUPERSTITIOUS BRAINWASHING CRAP THAT MAKES YOU AN ASSHOLE. THIS IS WHY I SPECIFICALLY SAID WHEN DESIGNING THE IMPERIAL TRUTH, THAT EQUALITY, SCIENCE AND GALAXY CONQUEST IS THE WAY TO GO. AND RELIGION NEEDS TO BE THROWN OUT A WINDOW.
- A God I Am Not: As with the canon, the Emperor has major gripes with being called a god, and because of this disbands the Inquisition and Ecclesiarchy.
- Hypocritical Humor: Magnus the Red is a little incensed at the Captain General's accusation of bringing daemons over for a party... but he really did have some over for a literal party.
- Insufferable Genius: Magnus has some of this attitude in the beginning of episode sixteen.
- Insult of Endearment: Magnus notes that for all the verbal abuse the Emperor throws as the Custodian, the Emperor seems all in all rather fond on him, trusting him to tell the Emperor "stupid shit" and listening to the Emperor complaints. Magnus goes on to posit that the Custodian is pretty much the closest thing to being the Emperor's wife (Taunting him by calling him "Step-mom").
- I Love the Dead: Alicia Dominica is a bit TOO into The Emperor — it's left up for grabs whether or not she understands just how much the Emperor has decomposed.
- Incoming Ham: Whenever you hear this, be prepared for ham in more than just one way.
- Inconvenient Itch: In addition of feeling endless torment of having his soul torn apart bit by bit by feeding the Astronomican, the Emperor also has an itch on his nose, despite not having the nose anymore, courtesy of Nurgle.
- I Shall Taunt You: Tzeentch utilizes cheap insults and clever remarks to slowly win Magnus over to his side.
- It Amused Me: The Emperor suggests stealing all of Trazyn's collection for the kicks.
- Jerk Ass: Again, Tzeentch.
- Basically All of the Inquisition are a bunch of trigger/burn happy assholes who commit atrocities simply for not getting their way.
- Just as Planned: At the end of episode eleven, the Emperor sits on his throne and muses that everything is going just as planned.
- Just You And Me And My Guards: When Karamazov prepares to enter the Imperial Palace, Descius summons his guards to stop him. Later, Kitten does the same with the Custodes, this time, with more success.
- Kick the Dog: The Emperor refers to the time he teleported Angron away from his men and leaving them all to die as hilarious. It's worth mentioning that this is what compounded Angron's already massive anger issues and played a heavy hand in Angron turning against the Emperor.
- Knight of Cerebus: Fyodor Karamazov. As soon as he enters the story, things gets ever-so-slightly more serious.
- Leitmotif: Awake from Jojos Bizarre Adventure Battle Tendency blares out whenever the (half naked) Custodes make their appearance.
- Like a Badass out of Hell: In April Fool's episode, Horus himself returns from the Warp by the sheer will of vengeance.
- Like Father, Like Son: The Emperor and Magnus both note that there's a lot of similarities between how the former kept secrets from his son and it blew up in his face and how the latter kept secrets from his first captain and how it blew up in his face.
Magnus: This is too ironic for my taste...
Emperor: LIKE FUCKING FATHER, LIKE FUCKING SON.
- Macho Camp: The other Custodes, who dress like the Pillar Men (Complete with the theme song). Note that this is actually canon to an extent: Custodes uniform, outside of their Power Armor is Stripperiffic. They are also all men.
- Meanwhile Scene: When our Custodes friend is about to explain the Inquisition to the Emperor, the video cuts to the Imperial Guard in middle of several warp storms.
God-Emperor: I THINK I SHAT OUT AT LEAST 5 WARP STORMS DURING THAT PRESENTATION.
- Happens again in Episode 12 when the Emperor's caretaker, eager to change the subject, mentions the Traitor Legions. Then the episode cuts to Mars, with some tech-priests discussing a newly discovered STC-fragment.
- Mood Whiplash: In episode nine, the scene cuts from Emperor planning the theft of Trazyn's stuff to Terra burning. It gets right back on track again, though.
- Most Annoying Sound: In-universe; helmet-mounted lingua-technis mouthpieces sound like bad dial-up modems, and the Emperor psychically punches anyone using them.
- Mundane Solution: The Emperor suggests that the Tyranids could be beaten by a bug spray. Kitten notes that this isn't likely due to their adaptive abilities.
- Mythology Gag: In episode nine, the Emperor refers to card-games-and-chess parties the top Magnificent Bastards of the galaxy - him, Cegorach, Tzeentch, Deciever and Creed - have sometimes. This is actually a joke on 1d4chan.
- Names to Run Away From Really Fast: He thinks that Goge Vandire, the man behind the Age of Apostasy, has that kind of name.
- Noodle Incident: Many of little references the characters make may seem like this. Subverted, though, as this is mostly the case of All There in the Manual.
- Kitten once had a... phase. Armor-less phase.
- Nothing Is the Same Anymore: In episode 13, not only do the Ultramarines manage to capture Magnus the Red and bring him to the Imperial Palace, but Magnus and the Emperor forgive each other!
- Not So Above It All:
- Though he doesn't want to admit it, the Captain General secretly wants to engage in the same male Stripperific tendencies as his brother Custodes.
- The Emperor, for a guy that likes logic and reason, and who can rightfully be considered a god, sees people who don't engage in melee combat as disgraceful.
- No Yay: In the questions episode, one person asks the Emperor if he hesitated to kill his son because he had sexually confused feelings for him. The Emperor makes him explode on the spot.
- OOC Is Serious Business:
- Marneus Calgar is depressed, and has seemingly shed his glory hunger and obsession for being seen as the best that's crippling the rest of his chapter. Keep in mind that last time we saw him, in a flashback with the Tyranids, he was just as much a Glory Hound as his Honor Guard, so something serious must have gone down. One of the implications is that he's suffering from glory withdrawal, no longer satisfied with his victories.
- The Emperor figures out something's up with the Tau when Kitten gets ballistic about them, while before, he was serenity and politeness incarnate.
- Only a Flesh Wound: Marneus Calgar's duel with the Swarmlord is basically them re-enacting the the King Arthur vs Black Knight scene, with the Lord of Macragge being the Black Knight.
- Only Sane Man: The whole theme of the series is the Emperor reacting to the grimdark state of the Imperium and how stupid it actually is.
- The Ecclesiarch and the Captain-General are the only High Lords who aren't frothing idiots or useless pieces of shit. The Captain-General takes it even further by stating that he's the only rational one of Custodes left while everyone else has completely lost it, though he notes even he went through a 'phase'...
"Hey Kitten! Want to go take a swim in the Promethium
pools with us?
- Parental Favoritism: The Emperor badmouths all his sons, loyal and traitor alike. Except Sanguinius.
- Parody Sue: Played with with the Ultramarines. They are portrayed as overly polite and honorable and ludicrously effective at everything they do. Even so, the Emperor still thinks they are "a stupid fucking smurf village", and even their own Chapter Master is sick and tired of their perfectness.
- Perpetual Frowner: In Episode 7, Emps demands that he always have someone close-by to "tell me stupid shit I can complain about". He also manages to pull this trope off in the literal sense despite being a skull, which has to count for something.
- Pet the Dog: The Emperor is actually impressed by people who are willing to sacrifice themselves meaningfully. He badmouths all of his Primarch sons except Sanguinius, he compliments Ollanius Pius for standing between him and Horus after Horus nearly slew him (and badmouths the Custodes and the Terminator who also threw themselves to be destroyed by Horus because they didn't want to be upstaged by some plain human), and although at first he dismisses the Astral Knights, upon hearing that they crashed a Battle Barge into a World Engine, cracking its void shield enough to get down on the planet, and died fighting to successfully cripple the enemy ship, the Emperor immediately revises his opinion of them and claims that he totally created them.
- The Emperor giving Magnus the Red a Space Marine war motorcycle.
- Pop-Cultural Osmosis Failure: The Captain-General doesn't understand why the Emperor keeps calling Ultramarines "Smurfs". Then again, 38,000 years have passed.
- Psychopathic Manchild: When he isn't being a Grumpy Old Man, the Emperor has quite a few immature moments.
Holy shit, a giant skeleton space robot planet that shoots molecule-breaking beams and destroys everything it spots... I want one!
- As of episode 14, everyone who could fit underneath the Really 700 Years Old trope is being given this treatment. The primarchs are prone to acting like actual children, such as Magnus reacting to a Space Marine war motorcycle the same way a small child would react to his cool new bike, while the Chaos Gods settle their fights like schoolyard bullies muscling on each other's turfs or angry teenagers on a forum. Though Khorne is oddly absent during the episode.
- Pyrrhic Victory: The main reason the Emperor is so utterly hateful of his loyal subjects: they've basically transformed 75% of mankind's "victories" into massive unrepairable losses, quadrillions dead and millions of souls devoured for pointless reasons, and a general disdain of basic human rights and human potential in humanity itself.
- Reasonable Authority Figure:
- The Emperor:
- Bitter and caustic as he may be, the Emperor is genuinely upset at what has become of the Imperium and is slowly trying to put it back the way it was before the Horus Heresy. Predictably, the Inquisition has other ideas on that.
- Our Custodes friend is appalled to learn that the Emperor is perfectly willing to allow the Tau Empire to be absorbed into the Imperium, provided they serve as humanity's vassals. He argues his case with legitimate concerns—like concentration camps and sterilization for non-compliant citizens—and ridiculous ones like their weapon aesthetics or the porn culture around them but the Emperor is willing to disregard all of it if the Tau are willing to obey and serve...until the Custodian mentions that they don't engage in melee combat and the Emperor goes ballistic.
- Among the High Lords, the Lord Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard tries to be this to a very minor extent. He tries to impede the other High Lords from weakening the Imperial Guard, by keeping laxatives and air legal.
- Also, the Ecclesiarch, even after having his organization disbanded by the Emperor, tries to prevent Karamazov from killing all of the Custodes.
- Record Needle Scratch: The other Custodes' entry into the scene begins with this before playing Awake from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure (AYYYAAAYAAAIII!)
- Remaster: The First Episode has been remade, with minor additions like lines for the Dreadknight and our Custodes friend repressing his need to rip off his armor.
- Running Gag:
- Almost every time the Adeptus Mechanics appear, there is a reference to toasters.
- Horus is always referred to as "F*cking Horus".
- Karamazov replying to his right hand man's every sentence with "Be quiet, Dominique".
- Scenery Porn: In episode eight, there are some pretty shots of Terra, Imperial Palace and Senate before the story begins properly.
- Self-Serving Memory: Upon hearing about the Astral Knights actions against a Necron World Engine, the Emperor claims he totally founded their order despite dismissing them as having a stupid name earlier.
- Sir Swears-a-Lot: The Emperor, natch. It's started rubbing off on the Custodian.
- One of the High Lords of Terra is an expy of Judge Dredd who even says his Catch Phrase "I am the Law!".
- In episode 10, the film Les Misérables (2012) is performed by a Magos and an Inquisitor, both of whom resemble Valjean and Javert respectively.
- The opening of episode 15 has an extended reference to Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.
- The three other Custodes take the appearance of the Pillar Men, to the point that Awaken is their leitmotif. Others in the background are modeled after Vanilla Ice and Diavolo from the same manga.
- In short "Kitten Gasping", the Custodian notices that his antics made him look like The Legend of Zelda's Link.
- Something Else Also Rises: When a Dark Mechanicus notices a huge, phallic Emperor-class battleship floating through the warp:
This is getting me harder than Terminator armor!
- Stupid Sexy Flanders: Dominique (one of the Inquisitors who follow Karamazov, and literally is seated at his right hand on the former's power throne) gets sexually confused by the presence of the half-naked Custodes.
Dominique: Hey Fyodor, we're surrounded again. But this time by a bunch of half-naked men. Its like a ruddy ocean of bare nipples and bulging muscles. ITS MAKING ME MOIST.
- As does a random woman they rescue from the Inquisition. "I'm so aroused right now."
- Suicide Mission: Early on, the Emperor orders that the Ultramarines venture into the Eye of Terror and capture Magnus the Red. The Emperor flat out knows, and even hopes, that the Ultramarines will not survive this. Yet somehow the Ultramarines manage to capture Magnus, looking no worse for wear at the end of it.
- Just to compound how absolutely impossible this is, the order the Emperor gave early on in the series to get Magnus back with the Gellar Fields turned off? THEY ACTUALLY DID THAT!
- Surrounded by Idiots: What the Emperor thinks of his immediate subordinates, and pretty much the entirety of the Imperium. This sentiment extended even towards the Primarchs, both loyalist and heretic. The sole exceptions to this are Sanguinius and Malcador the Sigilite.
- Take Our Word for It: Apparently, between episodes twelve and thirteen the Emperor told Kitten some really touching and heartwarming stories about the Primarchs, but we only have Custodian's word for it.
- Take That: Half of this series is pretty much critiquing some of the more questionable decisions GW has made regarding the lore.
- Tautological Templar: Karamazov states that charging the Eternity Gate would be heresy, but not when Inquisition does it.
- Tempting Fate: Twice.
- In episode thirteen, Calgar says that he's day isn't completely ruined as of yet, only for Cato Sicarius to burst out and be obnoxious.
- In April Fool's episode, one of the Custodes says that nothing could ruin this moment just before Horus bursts in and kills the Emperor.
- Theme Tune: We Are One by Triarii.
- This Cannot Be!:
- The Inquisition has this reaction when they learn that the disbanding message is from the Emperor.
- In April Fool's video, the Emperor reacts this way to Horus' arrival.
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech: The Emperor gives a few indirectly in his criticism, and Alicia Dominica gives one to Goge Vandire offscreen.
- The Reveal: The Custodian who has been chatting with the Emperor the whole time is actually the Captain-General, leader of the entire Adeptus Custodes. He manages to use this power to dissuade Karamazov from burning the High Lords.
- This Is Going To Suck: From episode 3:
SO, WHAT'S UP WITH THIS INQUSITION
Custodian: Oh, boy.
- In episode 7, our Custodes friend again has this reaction when the Emperor asks to see the other Custodes Companions.
- Unexplained Recovery: The Fabricator General (High Lord on the far right) malfunctions and self-destructs. No one comments on it, and he's back alive within fifteen seconds.
- The Unfavourite: Emps really doesn't like Magnus the Red.
Custodian: Oh! So... Everything is Magnus's fault?
God-Emperor: DEFINITELY. IF I COULD, I'D BRUTALLY SPANK MAGNUS UNTIL HIS ASS WOULD TURN SO RED THAT HIS FACE WOULD LOOK PALE IN COMPARISON.
Big E: I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS A FAGGOT. IS HE STILL ALIVE?
Custodian: Barely. He was almost killed... He's in stasis right now, just like you.
Emperor: CUT HIS LIFE SUPPORTS AND DISBAND THAT STUPID FUCKING SMURF VILLAGE.
- Unstoppable Rage: The Emperor bursts into it a few times, notably when he learns about the Inquisition and Calgar sacrificing an irreplaceable battleship.
- Unwitting Pawn: Magnus is this to both Tzeentch and Horus, and is forced to accept these facts by the Emperor in episode 13.
- Verbal Tic/Third-Person Person: Cato Sicarius can't use the pronoun "I" without inserting his name afterwards.
- Villain Exit Stage Left: Karamazov is surrounded and about to be blown up when the Emperor orders Kitten to invoke this and let the man escape.
- Villainous Breakdown: When surrounded by Custodes, Karamazov breaks down and starts screaming that it's them who are heretics and that the text-to-speech device is a lie.
- Vocal Dissonance: Cato Sicarius's extremely high-pitched voice in relation to his 7' tall Super Soldier physique.
- Waxing Lyrical: Upon hearing about the heroics of the Astral Knights, he says the were "... The best around. Nothing was ever gonna keep them down."
- We Will Meet Again: Karamazov promises this to Kitten when he's running away.
- With All Due Respect: Cato Sicarius very blatantly wants to become Chapter Master as soon as possible. As current Chapter Master Marneus Calgar promptly lampshades, Cato is effectively wishing Marneus to die at the earliest opportunity.
- What the Hell, Hero?: The Emperor tells the Custodes that they should stop being useless and start to actually help the Imperium, seeing how they have the best gear in the galaxy.
- Yes-Man: The Custodes who guards the Emperor. In the Emperor's own words, he's basically a brainwashed idiot who can only gush about everything and do as the Emperor tells him. Being the Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes, a High Lord of Terra, politicking is a good part of his job alongside guarding the Emperor. Furthermore, his talks with Magnus in Episode 16 seem to indicate that he does occasionally have doubts about his Emperor (not in the way that questions his loyalty, but about why the Emperor is great in the first place).
- You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!: The Emperor's reaction to a lot of things.
Emperor: SO, THE NECRONS AND THE BLOOD ANGELS DID WHAT?
- The sheer disbelief at seeing his Custodes' current state of (un)dress uniform as he spends several minutes just dumbstruck from the sheer shock.
HOLY SHIT. WHAT ON THE NAME OF TERRA ON FUCKING ROLLER-SKATES IS THIS? [...] THIS SHIT IS SO SURREAL. AM I ON DRUGS?
- Zerg Rush: When Magnus breaks the barriers surrounding the Imperial Palace, hordes of daemons swarm all around him, all running to the Golden Throne.
Magnus: Well, that certainly happened...
God-Emperor: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?