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Web Video: If The Emperor Had A Text To Speech Device
— The God-Emperor of Mankind

''If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech device is a series of web videos made by Bruva Alfabusa, asking the question of what exactly would happen if the Emperor of Mankind woke up and saw the current state of the Warhammer 40,000 universe. Hilarity Ensues as the Emperor proceeds to have some...colorful critiques about the universe as well as it's numerous Retcon over the years.

Episodes 1 through 10 comprise Season 1. Season 2 is in production with help from Karl the Deranged.

The web videos provides examples of:

  • A Date with Rosie Palms: The Adeptus Custodes, though "only on Thursdays".
  • A God Am I: While he denies his own divinity, he also states that he's the only one who could legitimately make that claim.
  • An Arm and a Leg: In the crossover with The Fate of Abbadon, the Emperor rips Abbadon's arms off and then warps him into space.
  • Animation Bump/Art Evolution: Season 2 is a massive improvement overall in animation quality.
  • Beethoven Was an Alien Spy: The Emperor was Moses and Christian Chandler!
  • Berserk Button:
    • Religion. Even if it's worshiping the Emperor. Especially if it's worshiping the Emperor.
    • Don't tell the Emperor that you have costed him a Emperor-class Battleship when other options were available. Just don't. That said, he'll forgive such an act if it actually accomplishes something meaningful.
    • Also don't ask him about the Traitor Legions. His anger at this line of thought makes the loss of an Emperor-class Battleship look tame by comparison.
  • Burning with Anger: The Emperor does this when the above Berserk Buttons are pressed.
  • Butt Monkey: The Emperor's caretaker and Custodes Captain-General. Half of the time, he's getting insulted by the Emperor for being a moron, while his own fellow Custodes mock him despite him being Captain-General, which they didn't even know about until Fyodor invaded the Palace
  • Card-Carrying Moron: The Master of the Administratum (third High Lord from the left) isn't just a useless piece of shit, he aspires to be a useless piece of shit.
  • Cerebus Syndrome: The first few episodes were dedicated to the Emperor caustically commenting on the state of the Imperium/thinly veiled Take Thats at the 40K canon. It isn't until the Emperor decrees that the Inquisition be disbanded that things start to get somewhat serious.
  • Computer Voice: The Emperor's Text-To-Speech device, of course.
  • Cuteness Proximity: The Emperor loves having a Centurion seated on his lap because he thinks it's adorable. Inverted when he sees the Dreadknight, which He finds absolutely horrible.
  • Dude, Where's My Respect?: The other Custodes have no respect for their Captain-General, or as they call him, Little Kitten. Hell, until episode 11, they didn't even seem to know which Custodes their Captain-General WAS. Overall they continue to treat him as competition at best.
    • In a similar vein, the Emperor consistently orders the Custodes to put some damn armour on, which they openly and flagrantly ignore.
  • Easter Egg: The binary text in the "ASK ME QUESTIONS!" mini-episode reads: "I can't wait for Cypher to get to Mars so he can execute the plan." and "I think the Ultramarines are coming around with Magnus soon." The third message started out "As long as the questions don't scream about Baneblades" but was cut off by the Emperor.
  • Embarrassing Nickname: The Custodes in The Throne Room is referred to as "Little Kitten" by the other Custodes.
  • Establishing Character Moment: The first words out of Emperor's mouth- er, speakers, are "About fucking time. I have so many things to complain about."
  • Even the Guys Want Him: The only people who are not aroused by The Custodes are The Emperor, The Custodes in the Throne Room and a few Inquisitors.
  • Everyone Has Standards: The High Lords of Terra outlawed saying the name of the Old-Folks-Home Planet and don't react well when Fyodor mentions going there to find new High Lords of Terra after killing the present ones.
  • Evil Is Petty: Tzeentch comes across less as the Eldritch existing-in-the-past-present-and-future mastermind, and more as a petty little bully.
  • Exact Words: While Ecclesiarch Decius reluctantly agreed to let the Inquisition conduct their investigation in Holy Terra about the disbandment message, he told Karamazov not to spill the blood of its population. Karamazov agreed, and promptly told his men to burn them instead.
  • Fantastic Racism: Surprisingly averted with the Emperor. He reveals he doesn't mind living in peace with the other alien races, he just prefer they accept his idea of peace, mainly the aliens under his rule and not the aliens idea of peace (eg. Eldar's idea of peace is keeping humans like zoo animals.) Furthermore, he thinks the current Imperium's goal of trying to exterminate all aliens in the galaxy is not only impossible but also impractical.
  • Foreshadowing: Our Custodes friend, the Emperor's caretaker, claims to have been the one to meet Alicia Dominica during Goge Vandire's Reign of Blood. In canon, the Custodes who met Dominica was of the rank Centurion, second only to the Captain-General. This is pretty much the only clue we get to our Custodes friend being of a much higher rank than his Butt Monkey status makes him look.
  • Fourth Wall Mail Slot: Episode 12.5, while technically it is an in-universe Q&A with the Imperial citizens (and a few non-Imperials), there a few moments of breaking the fourth wall. Also, one of the notable things to come out of this is that there way too many to ask the same question: What does the Emperor thinks of Tau?. Since he doesn't know them, he ask the Custodes, who answers that they are insignificant, to what the Emperor counters that with how many citizens asked about them, they cannot be insignificant.
  • Freudian Slip: The Emperor's webway may or may not have been an excuse to score some Eldar hookers. Similarly conversations about the Tau may or may not be a place for our Custodes friend to make penis innuendos.
  • Fun with Subtitles: Occasionally, subtitles have their own gags added to them to emphasize certain things. Helps a lot when the most talkative person in the series doesn't have any ability to emphasize naturally.
  • Grumpy Old Man: The High Lords of Terra are basically what 1d4chan imagines them to be: a bunch of old, useless farts who make things worse through their idiocy.
    • The Emperor acts like a grumpy dad, equating the fall of nine of his primarchs to Chaos with "rebellious teenage phases".
  • He-Man Woman Hater: The Emperor recalls the end of the Reign of Blood less favorably and explains that he didn't make female Astartes because he thinks girls are yucky.
  • Heroic Sacrifice: The series takes a Broad Strokes approach to the three versions of Ollanius Pius story: all three of them happened! The lone Guardsman AND the Space Marine Terminator AND the Custodes had all thrown themselves between Horus and the Emperor, in that order. The Big E thinks that the latter two did it so that they could save face from being upstaged by an ordinary human.
  • Holier Than Thou: Karamazov seems to believe he's much holier than everyone so therefore his actions are justified despite the fact the Ecclesiarch and the Custodes, the Emperor's personal servants, call out on his actions.
  • Hollywood Atheist: The Emperor is presented as a particularly extreme, not to mention smug and hypocritical example of atheist fundamentalism.
    Emperor: I DESTROYED ALL ASSHOLE RELIGIONS THAT EXISTED ON TERRA. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
    Custodes: Because you are the one true God, my lord?
    Emperor WRONG. IT IS BECAUSE RELIGION IS STUPID, SUPERSTITIOUS BRAINWASHING CRAP THAT MAKES YOU AN ASSHOLE. THIS IS WHY I SPECIFICALLY SAID WHEN DESIGNING THE IMPERIAL TRUTH, THAT EQUALITY, SCIENCE AND GALAXY CONQUEST IS THE WAY TO GO. AND RELIGION NEEDS TO BE THROWN OUT A WINDOW.
    • A God I Am Not: As with the canon, the Emperor has major gripes with being called a god, and because of this disbands the Inquisition and Ecclesiarchy.
  • I Love the Dead: Alicia Dominica is a bit TOO into The Emperor.
  • Incoming Ham: Whenever you hear this, be prepared for ham in more than just one way.
  • Inconvenient Itch: In addition of feeling endless torment of having his soul torn apart bit by bit by feeding the Astronomican, the Emperor also has an itch on his nose, despite not having the nose anymore, courtesy of Nurgle.
  • I Shall Taunt You: Tzeentch utilizes cheap insults and clever remarks to slowly win Magnus over to his side.
  • Jerk Ass: Again, Tzeentch.
  • Knight of Cerebus: Fyodor Karamazov. As soon as he enters the story, things gets ever-so-slightly more serious.
  • Macho Camp: The other Custodes, who dress like the Pillar Men. Note that this is actually canon to an extent: Custodes uniform, outside of their Power Armor is Stripperiffic. They are also all men.
  • Meanwhile Scene: When our Custodes friend is about to explain the Inquisition to the Emperor, the video cuts to the Imperial Guard in middle of several warp storms.
    God-Emperor: I THINK I SHAT OUT AT LEAST 5 WARP STORMS DURING THAT PRESENTATION.
    • Happens again in Episode 12 when the Custodes, eager to change the subject, mentions the Traitor Legions. Then the episode cuts to Mars, with some tech-priests discussing a newly discovered STC-fragment.
  • Most Annoying Sound: In-universe; helmet-mounted lingua-technis mouthpieces sound like bad dial-up modems, and the Emperor psychically punches anyone using them.
  • Names to Run Away From Really Fast: He thinks that Goge Vandire, the man behind the Age of Apostasy has that kind of name.
  • Nothing Is the Same Anymore: In episode 13, not only do the Ultramarines manage to capture Magnus the Red and bring him to the Imperial Palace, but Magnus and the Emperor forgive each other!
  • No Yay: In the questions episode, one person asks the Emperor if he hesitated to kill his son because he had sexually confused feelings for him. The Emperor makes him explode on the spot.
  • Only a Flesh Wound: Marneus Calgar's duel with the Swarmlord is basically them reenacting the the King Arthur vs Black Knight scene, with the Lord Macragge being the Black Knight.
  • Only Sane Man: The Ecclesiarch is the only High Lord who isn't a frothing idiot.
  • Parental Favoritism: The Emperor badmouths all his sons, loyal and traitor alike. Except Sanguinius.
  • Perpetual Frowner: In Episode 7, Emps demands that he always have someone close-by to "tell me stupid shit I can complain about". He also manages to pull this trope off in the literal sense despite being a skull, which has to count for something.
  • Pet the Dog: The Emperor is actually impressed by people who are willing to sacrifice themselves meaningfully. He badmouths all of his Primarch sons except Sanguinius, he compliments Ollanius Pius for standing between him and Horus after Horus nearly slew him (and badmouths the Custodes and the Terminator who also threw themselves to be destroyed by Horus because they didn't want to be upstaged by some plain human), and although at first he dismisses the Astral Knights, upon hearing that they crashed a Battlebarge into a World Engine, cracking its void shield enough to get down on the planet, and died fighting and successfully crippling the enemy ship, the Emperor immediately revises his opinion of them and claims that he totally created them.
  • Psychopathic Manchild: When he isn't being a Grumpy Old Man, the Emperor has quite a few immature moments.
    Holy shit, a giant skeleton space robot planet that shoots molecule-breaking beams and destroys everything it spots... I want one!
  • Reasonable Authority Figure: Among the High Lords, the Lord Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard tries to be this to a very minor extent. He tries to impede the other High Lords from weakening the Imperial Guard, by keeping laxatives and air legal.
    • Also, the Ecclesiarch, even after having his organization disbanded by the Emperor, tries to prevent Karamazov from killing all of the Custodes.
    • Bitter and caustic as he may be, the Emperor is genuinely upset at what has become of the Imperium and is slowly trying to put it back the way it was before the Horus Heresy. Predictably, the Inquisition has other ideas on that.
  • Record Needle Scratch: The other Custodes' entry into the scene begins with this before playing Awake from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure (AYYYAAAYAAAIII!)
  • Self-Serving Memory: Upon hearing about the Astral Knights actions against a Necron World Engine, the Emperor claims he totally founded their order despite dismissing them as having a stupid name earlier.
  • Sir Swears-a-Lot: The Emperor, natch
  • Something Else Also Rises: When a Dark Mechanicus notices a huge, phallic Emperor-class battleship floating through the warp:
    This is getting me harder than Terminator armor!
  • Stupid Sexy Flanders: Dominique gets sexually confused by the presence of the half-naked Custodes.
  • Suicide Mission: Early on, the Emperor orders that the Ultramarines venture into the Eye of Terror and capture Magnus the Red. The Emperor flat out knows, and even hopes, that the Ultramarines will not survive this. Yet somehow the Ultramarines manage to capture Magnus, looking no worse for wear at the end of it.
  • Surrounded by Idiots: What the Emperor thinks of his immediate subordinates. This sentiment extended even towards the Primarchs, both loyalist and heretic. The sole exception to this is Malcador the Sigilite.
  • The Reveal: The Custodes who has been chatting with the Emperor the whole time is actually the Captain-General, leader of the entire Adeptus Custodes. He manages to use this power to dissuade Karamazov from burning the High Lords.
  • Unexplained Recovery: The Fabricator General (High Lord on the far right) malfunctions and self-destructs. No one comments on it, and he's back alive within fifteen seconds.
  • Take That: Half of this series is pretty much critiquing some of the more questionable decisions GW has made regarding the lore.
  • The Unfavourite: Emps really doesn't like Magnus the Red.
    Custodes: Oh! So... Everything is Magnus's fault?
    God-Emperor: DEFINITELY. IF I COULD, I'D BRUTALLY SPANK MAGNUS UNTIL HIS ASS WOULD TURN SO RED THAT HIS FACE WOULD LOOK PALE IN COMPARISON.
    Big E: I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS A FAGGOT. IS HE STILL ALIVE?
    Custodes: Barely. He was almost killed... He's in stasis right now, just like you.
    Emperor: CUT HIS LIFE SUPPORTS AND DISBAND THAT STUPID FUCKING SMURF VILLAGE.
  • Unwitting Pawn: Magnus is this to both Tzeentch and Horus, and is forced to accept these facts by the Emperor in episode 13.
  • Waxing Lyrical: Upon hearing about the heroics of the Astral Knights, he says the were "... The best around. Nothing was ever gonna keep them down."
  • Yes-Man: The Custodes who guards the Emperor. In the Emperor's own words, he's basically a brainwashed idiot who can only gush about everything and do as the Emperor tells him. Being the Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes, a High Lord of Terra, politicking is a good part of his job alongside guarding the Emperor.
  • You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!: The Emperor's reaction to a lot of things.
    Emperor: SO, THE NECRONS AND THE BLOOD ANGELS DID WHAT?


God-Emperor: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
I'm a Marvel... and I'm a DCWeb VideoImmersion

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