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Web Video: Diamanda Hagan

ALL HAIL THE LECHER BITCH

"I'm a shy, meek, small-voiced person who understands subtlety, loves people in black masks, and is really greatly enjoying Left Behind. Oh and I love the cock."
Diamanda Hagan (playing against type)

Diamanda Hagan, a Northern Irish Evil Overlord with a mysterious past (who might have previously been Jerrica "Jem" Benton in a cartoon) moonlights as a film critic and the host of Diamanda Hagan: Lecher Bitch. She mostly reviews bad movies, but has also done a recap/review of the series Bonekickers, Urban Gothic and Adam Adamant Lives; Twatty Who Reviews, focusing on the worst episodes of Doctor Who, and the Homeless Bsterrd Theatre Reviews starring Aleister D. Homelesssb’sterrd. This is similar to Bum Reviews, but focusing on theater (she even describes him as a distant cousin of Chester A. Bum).

Can also be seen here, as well as on That Guy with the Glasses and RT Gomer Productions. She also has a youtube channel.

She was a member of Reviewtopia, but she left in January 2013 after an incident at the MAGfest Fan Convention involving members of the site (notably Lord Kat) abusing and exploiting an overly drunk woman to get viewers on a live stream. She also appeared with her real life wife The Omega on Project Million Entertainment, for a podcast called Lesbian Talk, which has since migrated to The Omega's Blip channel.

Aside from her in-character Video Review Show, she is also involved in:

  • 'Twatty Who reviews': a voice over review show in the vein of SF Debris, but with a lot more vitriol and a lot more sarcasm, drawing on a lifetime as a classic whovian and a palpable disappointment with the new series. seems to be the biggest hit with non-Hagan fans. Other shows reviewed in a sinilar manner include:
  • 'Backseat Critique' a Vlog series reviewing new releases with her real life friends and collaborators. Frequently found on TGWTG.
  • 'Lesbian Talk': A podcast co-hosted and produced with The Omega.
  • 'You Probably Shouldn't Cook This': An experimental cooking show centering around combining disparate foods with each other and trying the results.


This show provides examples of:

  • Accentuate the Negative: Although in Diamanda Hagan Plugs, she plugs movies and shows she likes.
    • Also, during her reviews, if even the smallest thing in the movie is well-done, she'll talk about it for a moment, and then go back to hating on the rest of the movie.
  • Acting for Two: Aleister D. Homelesssb’sterrd and occasionally an Alternate Universe Hagan... who's actually quite pleasant (And the Butt Monkey to white masked minion type people)
  • Actually Pretty Funny: She says this on seeing Stonewall and Riot, after having screwed their way through half the supervillains of the city, come to a complete stop and walk away when faced with a supervillainess.
  • A Date with Rosie Palms: While...enjoying the sight of Kirk Cameron crying in Left Behind it cuts to the Divinyls "I touch myself" with a caption stating "Divinyls break" This happens again after Viv calls Magwilde a "sad, messed up woman" in the final episode of Bonekickers
    • She also turned one of her minions into a vibrator...before retiring to her bedroom for several weeks.
  • A God Am I: Declares herself a god after coming back from the dead in her Intermedio review.
  • Alter Ego Acting: A pretty staunch type 1, as Diamanda Hagan is a separate person from her actor. (Who does exist, as her real self, in her character's universe where, for the crime of looking like the leader of Haganistan, she is eternally locked in the dungeon and forced to watch The Room.)
  • Alternate Universe Counterpart: Nina Galas in the Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist review. She wears clothing with a lighter colour scheme and plain white facepaint, is generally more upbeat if slightly withdrawn, and is routinely abused by the white-masked Tormentors.
  • Angrish: Diamanda tends to devolve into this during her Gwendolyn review due to the Patchwork Map, and having no minions to kill.
  • Anything That Moves: Alistair has a Long Distance Relationship with his boyfriend Basil. That doesn't stop either one of them from perusing other men, women, or mannequins. And then there was the Equus Review:
    "My Little Pony, My Little Pony, Ahhhhhhhhhh."
  • Arch-Nemesis: She has many, including Kirk Cameron, but notably The Cartoon Hero. Specifically, he's her 37th.
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: Chastises Wood from Condor man for invading his friend's life, taking over his apartment, almost getting him in trouble with the local law, almost ruining his career by posing as a secret agent, stealing his bed and then trying to wake him up so he could show him his "hand drawn porn."
    • In the review of Starbooty, The main character's boss lists things found in the her(?) niece's dorm room including "Seventeen vials of crack cocaine, 36 used dental dams, a box of dead gerbils and a Lee press-on nail." Guess which on the main character calls the boss out on, which is then called out by Hagan.
  • Artistic License - Chemistry: In Harlem Rides the Range, Diamanda mentions the confusing initial plot point of a radium mine. Radium is not mined, it is refined from uranium using a process discovered by Pierre and Marie Curie.
  • Artistic License - Geography:
    • In Left Behind she remarks it's amazing how when it's six in Israel it's 6:03 in Iraq, considering the latter is an hour ahead.
    • Hagan describes the first setting in Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik-Yak as a theme-park built on a set that's trying to approximate China. Later in she gets annoyed at the titular land shifting constantly between being a barren desert and a tropical rainforest leading her to yell "Just fucking pick one!"
  • Artistic License - History:
    • She is outraged in Ilsa that her Nazi assistant is made up to look like Magnus Hirschfeld. It prompts her to get up onto a soap box and point out that Hirschfield in fact campaigned for gay rights and was opposed to the Nazis.
    • One of her major problems with Bone Kickers. For example, in one episode when a character remarks that Egyptians and the Greeks were more advanced that Britain 4000 years ago, she points out the oldest known habitation that still exists (and had drainage) is in Scotland. She takes special delight in pointing out stuff that could easily be a plot point if the writers knew anything about history (e.g., a cargo of slaves delivered under a decade after Britain outlawed the slave trade).
  • Artistic License - Law: One of the major plotholes in The Thirteenth Child (nothing to do with the book). The police led by an assistant DA try to confront the villain, only for him to point out that not only is their only evidence completely circumstantial but it was obtained during a warrantless search of his house, and that they don't even have a warrant to do a legal search much less arrest him (he also pointed this out during the first visit, only for the assistant DA to act huffy at the idea). They then proceed to ignore this and don't even seek a warrant or call for backup when one of them dies. The review also points out that the death of the first police officer was caused by him breaking and entering without a warrant and violating the containment of a dangerous animal; taken by itself the villain would probably get off.
  • Ascended Fangirl: She references this site and calls herself this in the Heavy Metal commentary, talking about how huge a fan of the The Nostalgia Critic she is, how much she always wanted him to review Heavy Metal, and how Squee-worthy it was getting to do it with him.
  • Audible Sharpness: In Pineapple Chunks.
    Diamanda: Really, try lifting a knife in the air and see if it makes a sound like that.
  • Bad Boss: She kills, tortures and is generally horrible to her minions.
    • Lord Ted is this to Nina, Diamanda's alternate universe good counterpart.
  • Badass Boast: Does one at the end of her Biggles review which is also a near word for word Shout-Out to Kai from Lexx.
  • Badass Gay: Runs her own nation like a dictator, kills people, comes back from the dead, and strikes terror in the heart of Kirk Cameron as well as other internet reviewers.
  • Be Careful What You Wish For: In the review of Slaughtered Vomit Dolls, Diamanda expresses annoyance that the cameraman keeps vomiting on severed limbs and that he'd do it on something else for a change. He promptly vomits in a beer mug and drinks it back down.
  • Because Destiny Says So: Aleister cannot die or be killed "because of the Reason." Every time "the Reason" is brought up to justify a point, the characters inevitably concede to it.
  • Berserk Button:
    • She tends to fly off the handle whenever she mentions the spaceship powered by love from "Fear Her". In fact, "Fear Her" in general seems to act as one.
    • She is angered that one episode of Bonekickers frequently refers to bisexuality in a negative way. Especially because they play the fey museum curator for laughs.
    • In general she did not like Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS, but having the camp assistant look like Magnus Hirschfeld pissed her off like no one's business.
    • Picking on Minority religions makes her pretty damn angry. Big players like Christianity, Islam, and even Atheists like herself are Acceptable Targets, so long as one has Shown Their Work. Depicting small groups like theistic satanists as crazed bad guys prompts her to remind everyone how much more suffering major religions have caused in comparison.
      • The Bonekickers episode "The Cradle of Civilisation" used what were essentially middle-eastern devil worshipers as their bad guys. The episode was centered around Iraq and aired during The War on Terror.
      • The Adam Adamant Lives episode "Village of Evil" depicts a usually cool Adament getting visibly scared at the idea of Devil worship. Hagan points out that even in The Sixties, practicing Satanism was perfectly legal:
        Hagan: He found a prayer book and a black candle and he's terrifed. He might as well be scared of a copy of the Talmud and a menorah.
  • Bigger Than Jesus: After realizing it took her an entire three weeks to come back from the dead, Hagan quips "Still did better than Jesus — He didn't exist!"
  • Black Comedy Rape:
    • In one review she threatens to rape one of the minions and every male in his family until the year 3000.
    • "Cunnilingus time!"
    • Played with in the Eat The Schoolgirl review, where she demands that Oancitizen make a rape scene in the movie funny, and the best he can come up with is playing the theme song from Jem over it. Diamanda is horrified.
    • "Take a Shot!" Although this could also count as Some Anvils Need to Be Dropped.
    • One time the outright rapes Alistair just off screen because he wouldn't stop interrupting the review. Of course, it seems Alistair is so perverted that there's no sex act he won't willingly participate in.
    "Oh! How much do I owe you?"
  • Borrowed Catch Phrase: Aleister has some of the same catchphrases as Chester A. Bum e.g. "I [unusual event] once!" Diamanda also on occasionally uses the M. Bison "Of course!" clip, usually when a character does something that makes no sense.
    Diamanda: Emanuele seeks anonymity and a new life free of the burdens of her old. So she lets a newspaper cover the story.
    M. Bison: Of course!
  • Book Ends: "This is Bonekickers; you have been warned." "That was Bonekickers; you were warned."
  • Break the Cutie: Oancitizen and Jew Wario are two of her favorite targets.
  • Broken Aesop: A character in Raspberry Reich states that masturbation is counter-revolutionary. This is after we've already seen one character masturbate.
    Diamanda: "A porno telling us masturbation is bad."
  • Buffy Speak: From her Condorman review, "I sense forced zaniness approaching like a giant ... zany ... thing."
  • Butch Lesbian: Being an Evil Overlord, she's no terribly concerned with courting The Male Gaze.
  • But for Me, It Was Tuesday: Used word-for-word.
    Minion: You Monster!! Two months ago you made me eat my own children!
    Diamanda Hagan: Oh. An important day for you, but for me it was Tuesday.
  • But Not Too Bi: The title character in Emmanuelle 4
    "You fucking cunt tease! You fuck every man in a 30-mile radius, please fuck at least one woman! Please!"
  • Butt Monkey: Diamanda the actress herself is often the butt of "Lolz, she's a really a man" jokes due to her unconventional appearance and deep voice, with one really nasty comment coming from Asalieri (the host of Reviewing a Reviewer) calling her "a thing".
  • Call Back: At the beginning of Eat the Schoolgirl, she states that she removed Oancitizen's balls because he obviously wasn't using them, and at the end says that she'll mail them back to him. It's almost exactly what happened at the end of his review of Ken Park.
  • Calling Me a Logarithm: When she points out the weak insults of the Apocolypse movies.
    Diamanda: "Hater" is this films' idea of an anti-Christian slur. I would have gone with "Cissexual Gynophile" to encourage people looking up words they'd never heard of.
    • Which, ironically, isn't that much of an insult if you look it up (one who is satisfied with their gender and attracted to females).
  • The Cameo:
    • Appeared in Obscurus Lupa's review of Hard To Kill. Her show itself has had such cameos as Lupa, Nash, and Linkara (the last of which was lampshaded).
    Diamanda: So they strap the hostage to WAIT A SEC WAS THAT LINKARA?!
    • The Battle of the Bone review had cameos by The Omega, Welshy and Film Brain.
    • She appeared in The Nostalgia Chick's review of The Little Mermaid, promoting violence against merfolk.
    • She appeared in The Rap Critic and Marc Mues' review of "Raise Up", where she was asked by Mues to take her shirt off.
    • Welshy had an extended cameo in the The Dragon Lives Again review pretending to be the guy who rules That Guy with the Glasses.
    • After Diamanda remarks how much an actor in Apocalypse looks like Spoony, there are cameos by Spoony, Dr. Insano and a Spoony clone, Christian Spoony.
    • Phelous and Nash appear in the Apocalypse 4: Judgment review. Nash plays Jesus.
    • Oancitizen appears a few times, including the Emmanuelle 5 and Aftermath/Thomas The Tank Engine And the Magic Railroad review, commenting on why he is not reviewing the film in question.
      • Diamanda in return appears in a few episodes of Kyle's show. Most notably, she was asked to bomb the city where Ken Park was set and shot.
    • Appeared in Hewy Toonmore's review of The Groovenians, admitting she delivered the show to him at Count Sigeeyai's request.
    • Appeared in Infamous Sphere's review of The Crying Game.
    • And of course, Diamanda makes a cameo in To Boldly Flee, not caring that the ham in her sandwhich became a human hand.
  • Casanova Wannabe: When a male character manages to inexplicably bed an attractive woman, she'll sometimes go out and try the same lines on a woman in real life and get her ass kicked except in the Faust review when it actually worked .
  • Catch Phrase:
    • "Ladies and gentlemen, whether you like it or not..."
    • "Greetings gentleviewers!"
    • "This is Bonekickers; you have been warned."
    • "I'm Diamanda Hagan and I have to live with that every day."
    • [Clip of annoying character] "Yeah, I'm going to hate you..."
    • "Minions! Do the Dance Of Exposition!"
    • "Hail Hagan!" (disinterested) "Hail me."
  • Caustic Critic
  • Censored for Comedy: Her review of Gay Niggers from Outer Space has her quickly shooting the censorship box, which results in random words, dirty or not, getting bleeped throughout.
  • Censor Box: Deployed during the more explicit scenes in Ilsa and Emmanuelle 4. In Raspberry Reich the credits state they come from "The Censorship Box Company of Albania".
    • The ones used in the ''Heavy Metal" review with the Nostalgia Critic include the words "Pervy Goodness."
  • Chekhov's Gun: Or more exact Chekhov's hang glider in "The Man From Hong Kong'', which she calls at the beginning of the movie.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: Several, but the one from the Twatty Who for "The Next Doctor" deserves special mention:
    Tenth Doctor: "Rosita"? Good name.
    Hagan:note  Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou FUCK! YOU! ... Anyway, there aren't enough "fuck you"s in the universe for that, so on with the story.
  • Come for the X, Stay for the Y:invokedFrom Zombeak: "I guess that's just part of the charm of the South. Come for the barbeque! Stay for the violence!"
  • Comedic Sociopathy: Just one of many examples: forcing one of her minions to go down on her and then shooting it in the head afterward. She then points out that said act is less evil than anything God as portrayed in Left Behind is responsible for in the movie.
  • Compensating for Something: Regards Thatcher's car in Turkey Shoot as the most phallic truck she's ever seen.
  • Completely Missing the Point: She believes castration to be this.
    You cut off his cock so he can't cum, not his balls so he doesn't want to!
  • Conditioned to Accept Horror: The citizens of Haganistan, especially the minions.
    • Diamanda herself, thanks to all of the disturbing movies she watches.
  • Country Matters: One of her favorite words.
  • Crawl: Parodied at the beginning of her review of Raspberry Reich with examples like "What happened to Apollo Z. Hack's eye anyway?", "Coldguy actually room temperature", and "Brad Tries...LordKat's semen? Probably not". The latter became Hilarious in Hindsight when Brad really did try a drink called "Semen". Though it wasn't from LordKat.
  • Crazy Cultural Comparison: Used with abandon in The Knackery review, where Aleister claims that, in Northern Ireland, they feed thermite to babies, eat cars, and lick paint, that aspirin is a luxury, that television is illegal, that standing in a field is the equivalent of having a very nice office, and that they teach you to shoot before they teach you how to perform a bowel movement (which they have to be taught how to do because they're stupid).
  • Crosscast Role: Aleister D. Homelessb'sterrd
  • Crossover:
  • Cut Lex Luthor a Check: Or rather, cut him a bigger check. When the opening narration states that the Umbrella corporation is the world's leading producer of computer and medical technology, Diamanda remarks that it makes no sense that most of their profits come from shady military and bioweapon research.
    Diamanda: Do you think that the makers of this have any concept of how much money is made in medical products, computer tech and healthcare? No? Well, neither do I, but it's sure to be a fuckload!
    • In Stonewall and Riot, she points out that the French Tickler's plan to use an orgasm ray to bring everyone in the city to orgasm so he can steal from them has the standard super villain problem that the equipment he uses to pull off the plan costs as much as he could steal.
  • Damned by Faint Praise: Aleister, on The Knackery says "This was a movie. A movie that I watched."
  • Dangerously Genre Savvy
  • Dark and Troubled Past: On her The Truth About Demon review, she seems to remember that she was once Jem from Jem and the Holograms. On her youtube channel, she is asked why she is dressing like "a powerpuff girl who someone assaulted".
    Diamanda: Maybe I am a powerpuff girl who got raped.
  • Deadpan Snarker
  • Department of Redundancy Department:
    • Comments that one of the villains in Turkey Shoot is a slimy bastard who she likes to call...a slimy bastard (with a caption on screen that reads: "slimy bastard: a bastard who is slimy").
    • In The Dead and the Dying, she says that Amber Benson is at her best when "playing lesbians, or women with sapphic tendencies, or lesbians, or lesbians".
    • In "Biggles, Adventures in Time" she says "I'm gonna fucking kill you until you fucking die from it!"
  • Distaff Counterpart: She's described herself as a female version of Harry S. Plinkett, and resembles a female version of Heath Ledger's Joker.
    • Also, the types of movies she reviews make her sort of this to The Cinema Snob and Oancitizen. This was pointed out with regards to the former reviewer in their crossover review of Myra Breckinridge, which started with Snob and Hagan comparing notes on who reviewed the worst movie (and pointing out that they both reviewed Child Bride). Hagan won, by the way.
  • Distracted by the Sexy:
    • She's intrigued by a shot of the blond escapee running from Turkey Shoot
    Diamanda: Ooh, sorry. Hypnotic boobs.
  • Dissimile: She describes Emmanuelle 4 like Sex and the City, only with more sex and less city.
    Diamanda: "In fact it's a lot of not like that bit in True Lies."
  • Does Not Like Men: In Project Million, she tortures LC and is shocked when he actually enjoys it.
  • Dolled-Up Installment: Children of the Living Dead tries to pass itself off as a sequel to Night Of The Living Dead and Dawn of The Dead. Diamanda points out that this doesn't explain why the characters are so surprised when they encounter zombies.
  • The Dragon: She very likely hasn't been informed of this herself, but Critic (post comeback) seems to think she's his, threatening Smarty with her wrath because he hasn't been interested in the Zelda games.
  • Drinking Game: Invents one for ''Turkey Shoot' that every time a character threatens, indicates or suggests they're going to rape someone, take a shot. "I guarantee by the film's end, you'll be blind." This turns into a Running Joke for her later reviews.
    • Jew Wario calls her out on it during the Zombeak review, years after the joke began.
  • Dystopia: Haganistan is heavily implied to be one of these.
    • There's even a La Résistance which was, unfortunately, Too Dumb to Live
    • Hagan herself maintains that the rest of the population is quite happy, and that only the minions are abused.
  • Eiffel Tower Effect:
    • Irritated by its application in The Man From Hong Kong, particularly as Sydney Opera House is ten miles away from the nearest airport.
    Diamanda: I believe you filmed where you filmed, I don't need it proven by pointless shots of landmarks!
    • This comes under fire again during her Left Behind review after a caption states "Jerusalem."
    Diamanda: Yes, whenever I hear that generic Middle Eastern music and I see the massive gigantic golden tit that is the Dome of the Rock I think to myself, "Hmm, perhaps we're in Strasburg!"
    • Comments that the title character in Condorman jumps off the actual Eiffel Tower into the Seine river without being arrested.
  • Even Evil Has Standards:
    • During her Left Behind review, she says that even she is less evil than God in the Left Behind series. Because the worst she'll do is shoot you while you go down on her.
      • She also calls out Christians who believe in the Rapture about owning pets, since they could be scooped up by God at any given moment, leaving their pets behind to starve to death.
    • She makes a similar argument for why she is a vastly more benevolent deity than the God in the Apocalypse films, as she at least doesn't allow people to be mind controlled by the Anti Christ into accepting his mark, thereby damning them to Hell.
    • In her crossover review of Eat the Schoolgirl with Oancitizen she states that she's evil, but not racist. At the end of the review and after Kyle stops being insane, she remarks that "it would be dickish to kill someone for something they don't remember doing".
    • She's disgusted that a character in Ilsa: She-wolf of the SS - more than that, the doctor assisting the titular Ilsa - was deliberately made to look like Dr Magnus Hirschfield. She even gets on an actual soap box to rant about how Hirschfield fought for equal rights for gay, lesbian and transgender people, and how his efforts would be undone by the Nazis. "And this is the guy you base your evil doctor's assistant on. FUCK YOU!!!"
      • Actually, she's pretty disgusted with Illsa in general...not so much because she's evil ("When you're outcunted by me, you're a little bitch.") but because of how bloody annoying she is.
    • It says something when even Diamanda is freaked out by the imagery in Where the Dead Go to Die.
    • In her review of The Cuckoo Clocks of Hell (Schizophreniac 3), as she shows a scene of the ghost of John Wayne Gacy telling Harry Russo to follow the N*gg*r Brick Road, she asks "Why exactly is it called the African-American Brick Road?!" One of her minions then tells her that the censorship device has been fixed for ages, and also tries to tell her that she can say the N-word, only to be shot dead by Hagan before he completes saying the racial slur. She then tells the minion, "Don't be racist!"
  • Even the Lesbian Overlord Wants Him: Even Diamanda couldn't resist the appeal of Oliver Reed with facial hair in Oancitizen's review of The Devils. Oancitizen is terrified by that.
    Diamanda: [when asked how she feels about penises] Disgusting! [Oancitizen shows her a picture of Oliver Reed] How can you stand having one of those attached to your...[she gasps and faints in delight]
    Minion: Mistress, are you okay?
    Diamanda: OLIVER REED!
    Oancitizen: [stares at the picture in horror] I must only use this power for good.
  • Eviler than Thou: Josh the Anarchist dares Diamanda to a crazy-off. As recounted on the Crowning Moment Of Awesome page, Diamanda handily wins.
  • Evil Inc.: She calls the company from Memory Run Genericorp.
    Diamanda: They sell things like...fascism...and...crack...to...leprechauns...I dunno, I wasn't really paying attention.
  • Evil Is Bigger: She's 6'2 (1,85 m)... and yet rarely seen standing next to other people. (for instance, in her crossover with The Cinema Snob it's clear she's One Head Taller than Brad)
  • Evil Overlord: Hagan is one, and she knows about the...
  • Evil Overlord List: A lot of her actions show that she knows the flaws of other overlords before her.
  • Evil Versus Evil: How she sees the conflict between the God of the 4 Apocalypse movies, who she feels is a dick, and Satan.
    Diamanda: These movies are about two opposing forces of omni-dickery. That wouldn't be so bad if we weren't supposed to think one of them was GOOD!
  • Exactly What It Says on the Tin: Due to his Wolverine Claws, she describes the main character in Faust: Love of the Damned as Techno-Wolverine, with a caption explaining it as "like Wolverine, but more techno".
  • Expy: The characters in the The Worst Witch are so similar to their analogs in Harry Potter, she simply gives up remembering their actual names and refers to them a as Snape, Dumbledore, Draco, etc... The exception being that there is no Harry; the main character resembling Ron.
  • Faceless Mooks: The Minions.
  • Fetish Retardant: invoked At first, she seems interested in a lesbian with a shaved head in her review of Preaching to the perverted. Then she learns that she was played by Julia Graham, who also played Elizabeth Magwilde in Bonekickers, the one character she hates most out of the entire series.
  • Fridge Horror: invoked Why she believes Ilsa: She-Wolf of the SS has a less Family-Unfriendly Aesop than Left Behind.
  • Fun with Subtitles: Since most of the characters in Battle of the Bone are mostly unintelligible, she uses subtitles whenever someone who's Northern Irish, aside from herself, speaks. For example, the one English actress gets no subtitles, but everyone else in the film does, as well as one sap on the street, even for lines that are perfectly clear.
    • While Northern Irish by citizenship, Hagan's actually of Scottish descent. Her accent's...somewhere in between.
  • Getting Crap Past the Radar:
    • There's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it bit of uncensored fellatio in the Raspberry Reich review, partially obscured by a fade-wipe.
    • In review of Starbooty, one of the film's characters was dressed only in what's best described as a fishnet and her nipples were partially visible without any censorship.
    • Her review of Bad Biology had an incredible amount of this, to the point where you think she may have burned the radar. Though she censored any breast shots, she somehow managed to get a giant, deformed, drug-addicted, sentient penis along with its half-human offspring (don't ask) uncensored! Also vagina-masks. Hagan justified this saying she doesn't censor obviously fake nudity.
  • Girl on Girl Is Hot:
    • She's notably disappointed when a lesbian scene is cut short in Turkey Shoot.
    Diamanda: I wanted to see naked lesbian crossbow rape!
    • Similarly she's dismayed that any time there appears there's about to be a lesbian scene in Emmanuelle 4 nothing happens.
    Diamanda: You fucking cunt tease! You fuck every man in a thirty metre radius, please fuck at least one woman! Please!
    • Tries using her 'godly' powers to turn Intermedio into 90 minutes of Alyson Hannigan having sex with every single woman she finds attractive in order of attractiveness. Sadly, this doesn't work. She also kills a man because Amber Benson's character in the movie doesn't do anything remotely lesbonic.
  • God Emperor: Hagan views herself as one. Her full self-proclaimed title, "Diamanda Hagan, God-Empress of the Great Nation of Haganistan, V.G.C, S.S.I., N.D.C., Mistress of all the Peoples of the Earth (Whether Recognized Or Not), Owner of Every Shark in the Sea and Tiger on Land, and Tiger at Sea Should Such a Thing Ever Be Observed, Conqueror of the World in General and Haganistan in Particular", directly parodies that used by Idi Amin.
  • God Is Inept: Observes this in Left Behind, stating that mass chaos would ensue due to the Rapture, including abandoned pets, major traffic pile-ups, and the fact that he's leaving all of your loved ones who have sinned to battle the antichrist. She then goes on to demonstrate that it's worse than her regular antics.
    Diamanda: I just shot someone who was going down on me! That's the worst I'll ever do to you!
  • Godwin's Law The Heteronormative Crusader villain from Preaching to the Perverted, while being fascinated by the very pornography he's supposed to be fighting against.
    Henry Harding MP: You know, Himmler always got sick visiting the camps... but he always forced himself to go on.
    Hagan: Has that guy just Godwined the film?
  • Groin Attack: Once ordered a minion to mail his own testicles to Kyle Kallgren.
  • Halfway Plot Switch: Gwendoline has an unusual shift from adventure to porn. She even remarks that the Genre Shift in From Dusk Till Dawn has nothing on this one.
  • Hilarious Outtakes: Hagan Flubs showcases outtakes and alternative takes from her reviews.
  • Honor Before Reason: Aleister refuses to say the word "whore" at auditions, even if it costs him a role. Since said audition was for the lead role in Schizophreniac The Whore Mangler though...
  • Hypocritical Humor: She does this all the time to illustrate a point. Very well, usually.
    • Used in her review of Gwendoline. While she remarks about the sudden genre shift the viewers aren't meant to notice, for the rest of the review she sports a different outfit, make up and hair color than before. When criticizing the random editing of a scene, it then randomly cuts to teddy the minion before cutting back to Hagan.
  • Incredibly Lame Pun:
    • After a character gets a machete in the head during Turkey Shoot she lampshades the fact she's about to do a lame "splitting headache" joke.
    • In Memory Run after the Gender Bender male begins to feel their recently acquired breasts she quips the film should have been called "Mammary Run".
    • When Woody lands in the River Seine in Condor Man, she remarks he is literally "in-seine"
  • Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy: Comments that in Turkey Shoot not even the automatic guns can shoot straight.
  • Insane Troll Logic: Deployed in Aleister's "History of LBGT People" video, where he acts out a scene depicting how Victorians believed that female sexuality and lesbianism didn't exist;
    Aleister: Are you sure you don't exist, Ms. Licksalot?
    Ms. Licksalot: Umm... yes.
    Aleister: It's just that I could've sworn I saw you perform cunnilingus on that woman.
    Ms. Licksalot: If lesbians don't exist, then I can't be performing cunnilingus, because lesbianism doesn't exist. So therefore I can't have done the act, because I don't exist!
    Aleister: ...You win this round.
  • I Take Offense to That Last One: Alistair loses yet another job for refusing to do something minorly inconvenient for an otherwise taxing and/or bizarre role.
    Casting Director: You'll need to shave off your moustache, go on hormones to grow breasts, have them removed, have a vaginoplasty, get some tatoos, and be okay with being naked and fucking people on screen.
    Alistair : I'm not shaving off my moustache!
  • Karma Houdini: Welshy trolls Hagan pretty hard by pretending to be the overlord of Channel Awesome. He gets away with it because she isn't sure whether he may or may not be for realnote  and she can't nuke Wales as a whole because of a dominatrix she once dated there.
  • Lantern Jaw of Justice: Well, not so much the justice part.
  • Large Ham: But she does it so well. So much that when she possesses other people, it can get nasty.
  • Leitmotif During field-tests, an uptempo version of "Gonk," done on guitar and xylophone, plays in the background.
  • Le Parkour: It is demonstrated in the Battle of the Bone review that the average Northern Irishman in fact can't naturally perform Parkour.
  • Lets See YOU Do Better: Inverted in her "Where the Dead go to Die" review, where she complains about the cgi characters accidentally merging together when they hug. She feels rendering like that is basic and should be fixed, especially when so much weird and truly disturbing material get's more focus, before realizing if she could animate, she'd focus on the surreal material and disregard everything else.
  • Lightning Can Do Anything:
    • Specifically, being struck by lightning sends you to 1917. Even when you're indoors!
    • The lightning from Chopping Mall, which seemed to make the robots of the movie come to life, and more obviously evil.
  • Light Is Not Good: The alternate versions of the minions are the douchey abusers instead of Hagan (who is called Nina Galas), and they wear white masks.
  • Loveable Sex Maniac: The Doctor Minion, Hagan's Minion physician. He OOZES repressed sexual desire. And he's willing to sate it on dead Minions, too...
  • Malaproper: Has a tendency to do this with the names of other reviewers, such as "Jeweegie" and "Rape Critic".
  • Mama Bear: On the "Your Reviews" sections of the TGWTG forums, she will often encourage and give helpful advice to those struggling to find a voice. When anyone starts heavily criticizing those people or her colleagues, she will come down on them hard.
  • Man Child: Aleister
    Helen Hannah: Professionals built the Titanic; amateurs built the Ark.
    Aleister [under a pile of couch cushions]: I built a fort!
  • Man, I Feel Like a Woman : While possessing Oancitizen, she checks to see if he's not a woman.
    Hagancitizen: "Most definitely not a woman... so that's what one of those things feel like."
  • Massively Multiplayer Crossover: Was the main antagonist in Project Million.
  • Mean Character, Nice Actor
  • Meaningful Name: Irish musician Diamanda Galás and German actress Nina Hagen were major influences on the character's behavior.
  • Memetic Badass: She builds the protagonist of The Story Of Ricky as one. invoked
  • Missing Steps Plan: The "revolution" in Raspberry Reich that involves having sex in public. She even plays the underpants gnome song.
  • Monster Clown:
  • Mooks/Red Shirts: The minions.
  • Mysterious Past: It's strongly hinted in the The Truth About Demons review that Hagan was once Jerrica from Jem. In her "Nixon and Hogan Smoke Christmas" review, it is confirmed that she was Jerrica, Sarsaparilla The Weed Witch was Kimber, and The Rap Critic was Aja.
  • A Nazi by Any Other Name: Franco Macaluso's forces in the Apocalypse Review
    Remember I promised blatent and unsubtle Holocaust imagery? Well, here ya go! Big as life and twice as insulting! You know who else put people in cattle trucks? The people who made Schindler's List!
  • Neutral Female: During one of the penultimate fight scenes in Turkey Shoot, Hagan remarks that while The Hero and The Dragon are fighting, the Distressed Damsel is sitting on the sidelines while she could easily flank on the bad guy or even just run away. Given that the baddies are set on killing and/or raping the heroes, there's absolutely no point in waiting around to see who will win. Subverted when the heroine sneaks up on the bad guy and cuts his hand off with a machete.
  • Nightmare Fetishist: She seems to get turned on by...strange....things
  • No Indoor Voice: Whenever she gets worked up - which given the quality of most of the films she reviews, is often.
  • Noodle Incident: "...you have to do it, because of the reason."
    • Her occasionally referenced but never explained prior relationship with a dominatrix
  • "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer: Often.
    • Has captions to advise that she did not add the dramatic sting during Ilsa when the title character is stroking a dildo.
    • There's a caption during the Left Behind review to stress that a padding scene of the main character looking over a balcony is this length in the actual movie.
    • She also says she isn't kidding that Kirk Cameron and his wife are contractually obligated to only have kissing scenes with each other, and even shows footage from several films to demonstrate this.
    • Uses a caption saying "As originally edited" numerous times in her review of Intermedio.
    • During the Benny Hill-worthy chase scene in Gwendoline, she states that the only change she made to the scene was adding "Yakety Sax".
    • The review of Gayniggers From Outer Space features an "I DID NOT ADD THIS MUSIC" disclaimer on a scene which features the theme from S.W.A.T..
  • Not That There's Anything Wrong with That: Mae West's last film, Sextette, she makes repeated jokes about how the leading lady is obviously in her eighties and trying to look four decades younger. Near the end, she clarifies that there's nothing wrong with finding an eighty-year-old woman attractive, it's just a lot less common than the movie portrays it.
  • Nuke 'em: In a crossover appearance on Brows Held High, Hagan nukes every city called Visalia on the planet. This is because Ken Park was set in Visalia. And Hagan couldn't be bothered to remember which city Oancitizen wanted nuked.
  • N-Word Privileges: Parodied in her review of Gay Niggers From Outer Space. She gives a big speech on how bleeping the one in the title would just seem trite and hypocritical. Of course, the censorship equipment seems to be broken, as the word "space" is also bleeped.
  • Obviously Evil: Says that Nicolae Carpathia of Left Behind is the most obvious villain name since Darkheart Rapesbabies.
  • Offscreen Moment of Awesome: She has this reaction in the review of Turkey Shoot to the death of the blonde prisoner to the crossbow wielder which happens offscreen.
    Diamanda: (distraught) I wanted to see the naked lesbian crossbow rape!!!
  • Oh, No... Not Again!: On April Fools' Day 2012, she starts to possess people again, getting forced into the bodies of Stephan and Charlie.
  • Overly Narrow Superlative: Averted when she says that Zombeak is the worst zombie chicken movie ever made. There actually is another one of those, and it is awesome.
  • Out with a Bang: She killed one of her minions while they were going down on her.
  • Perverse Sexual Lust: Has a major thing for MarzGurl.
  • Politically Incorrect Villain:
    • Harry Russo in Necromaniac; he goes beyond his typical He-Man Woman Hater status established in Schitzopheniac and goes on Mel Gibson-like rants about Black and Jewish people. Hagan isn't impressed.
    • A Defied Trope with Hagan herself.
  • Psycho Lesbian: A major source of Fetish Fuel for her. Crazy, Abusively Sexy, hot womenfolk are measured by Rule of Cool and Rule of Sexy, often times regardless of Unfortunate Implications.
    • After her Turkey Shoot review, she has a salute to the "crazy, aggressive, rapist, predatory, crossbow-obsessed lady". She also refers to this type of character as a 'dyke icon' or Dykon.
    • The Feministsas in Zsazsa Zaturnnah as well.
    • The Androdyke Brigade in The Genderfellator who want to force everyone in the world to become Butch Lesbians:
    A lesbian fascist police force working for a lesbian fascist state. I seriously don't know If I should be turned on or not.
  • Pungeon Master: As you can tell from earlier, she likes to include at least one terrible pun in her reviews.
  • Rape as Drama: "Take a shot" turns up way more than one expects it, even in Christian Movies, involving children.
  • Recursive Canon: She does a review of Project Million and doesn't realize that she - or at least a version of herself - was in it. When they say her name she thinks the movie is talking to her, and when Aleister appears he doesn't seem to realize he was in it either.
  • The Rival: The Cartoon Hero.
  • Running Gag: in the Vegas In Space review, comparing the movie's (very cheap) effects favorably to those of Actium Maximus, War of the Alien Dinosaurs
  • Sarcastic Clapping: A 45-second long montage of clapping when a character has a breakdown in Chopping Mall.
  • Screw Yourself: Oancitizen, Rap Critic, and Jew Wario decide to have a threesome while simultaneously possessed by Hagan's temporally-displaced psyche. They conclude that it's overrated.
  • Self-Deprecation: Will insult her home country once in a while.
  • Shirtless Scene: A minion has one in the The Dragon Lives Again review. The same shirtless minion has appeared multiple times in her reviews since, and according to the Flubs has his own fandom.
  • Shoot the Messenger: Any minion bringing her news or updates has a fairly high chance of being killed, regardless of the news being good or bad.
  • Slapstick Knows no Gender: Applies to both minions and Hagan herself, usually by way of some Zany Scheme blowing up in her face.
  • The Sociopath: Hoo, boy, is she ever!
  • Sole Entertainment Option: Played for Laughs on "Children Of the Living Dead."
  • Sound Effect Bleep: Whenever she's cursing out the filmmakers of Ilsa, most of it is bleeped. Subverted when afterward she says fuck without being censored.
  • Sound Track Dissonance: During a flogging scene in Ilsa she says it needs Devo and she starts to play Whip It Later when a character is being buried she plays Working in a Coalmine. To complete the trilogy, when the American spy is snooping around she plays Secret Agent Man
    • She sets an overly long fight scene in The Man from Hong Kong to Yakety Sax.
    • The "Feel free to commit suicide" segment of the Intermedio review.
  • Special Effect Failure:invoked A particularly bad head-smashing scene in Schizophreniac the Whore Mangler causes her to burst out laughing.
  • Stable Time Loop: Her review of "Children of the Living Dead.
  • Stalking Is Love: After viewing a stalkee and stalker having sex in Raspberry Reich she tries another field test (see family unfriendly aesop) of this in real life, with poorer results.
  • The Starscream: Views "Adam Ant" looking guy as this in Rats, to the extent that she redubs him and the leader of the group's dialogue with a lot of the exchanges between Megatron and Starscream.
  • Sting: Uses the dramatic sting from Flash Gordon, usually to mock this trope.
    • Parodied when her Dun-Dun-Dun Minion gets over-zealous with the dramatic stings in her Starrbooty review. She ultimately ends up stabbing him.
  • Stock Footage:
    Diamanda: "Ed Wood would be so proud!"
  • Stupid Sexy Flanders: "70s porn star" Elliott Gould.
  • Stylistic Suck: Has a music video set to the theme song from Man from Hong Kong consisting of her miming to it while the minions play instruments from Rock Band and lots of Idiosyncratic Wipes.
  • Suddenly Sexuality: Is amazed during Raspberry Reich how quickly the straight characters turn gay.
    Diamanda: Perhaps Ted Haggard was right. You know, those are four words I hope I never have to say in that order again.
  • Super OCD: Guesses that God in the Apocalypse Quadrilogy may have this, noting that unlike in Left Behind, people's clothing is left neatly folded after they are raptured.
  • Surrounded by Idiots: This pretty much sums up Diamanda's relationship with the Minions. That and the random killings.
  • Take That:
    • During her Left Behind review, she takes numerous shots at Kirk Cameron - from his lack of a career since the nineties to several shots at the bananas debunking evolution video
    • Describes Magwilde from Bone Kickers as Ann Coulter if she studied archaeology instead of wing-nuttery.
    • Fox News in general is a favorite target.
    • As is Matthew Graham, lead writer of Bone Kickers and the man who wrote "Fear Her".
    Diamanda:...thus cementing him in "Hagan's List of People She Wouldn't Let the Minions Piss On If They Were On Fire!"
    • States that the fascist villain named Thatcher in Turkey Shoot still manages to be more cuddly than Margaret Thatcher.
    • Throughout her review of Condor Man several jokes are made about Oliver Reed's drinking.
    • After witnessing Jimmy Wang Yu's "interrogation" technique in The Man From Hong Kong, Hagan quips she thinks he must have worked for the US forces in Iraq.
    • In one review of Bone Kickers, she explains that Parton decided to piss off the French by bringing British wine along, and says 'Yes, that really does exist." Cut to a photo of bottles of wine, all with 'Cheap [Wine type] Wine' on the label, accompanied by 'Rule Brittania'.
    • Take That, Us: While reviewing Project Million, a film she starred in, Hagan not only fails to recognize herself, but consistently mocks her acting ability, asexual build, and choice of makeup.
  • Talking to Herself: Any scene with Diamanda talking to Aleister, or Nina Galas. She takes this one step further when her voiceover self and on-camera self both start talking to each other in Preaching to the Perverted and Emmanuelle 5.
    Diamanda: Voiceover version of me, are you sure that's the right part?
    Voiceover: Do you want to do this? I could stand in front of a camera, looking all glamorous if you'd rather stand here, yelling into a microphone for no credit at all!
    • This gets taken up a notch in the Tribulation review, where voiceover-Hagan and the on-camera-Hagan take out the writer-Hagan, and they both end up being unfunny and awkward, not knowing what to do next because writer-Hagan is the one who writes how they behave.
  • Tempting Fate: Anytime she says she thinks Bone Kickers can't get any more stupid, it manages to top itself.
  • Testosterone Poisoning: The guy Doug plays in the Sextette review. By the end his eye is twitching from all the manliness.
  • The Dog Bites Back: In the Eat The Schoolgirl review, Diamanda drugs Oancitizen with horse tranquilizers and removes his testicles in order to force him to review the movie with her. Unfortunately, this eventually leads to him going insane trying to analyze the movie and tying up Diamanda in the bathroom, dressing her up as a snail and trying to kill her with an iron.
    • Jew Wario eventually got fed up with her harassment and threw her out of his hotel room Uncle Phil style at the end of the Zombeak review.
  • Theme Naming: Diamanda takes her name from musicians Diamanda Galás and Nina Hagen. For her AU counterpart Nina, the names are swapped around.
  • There Was a Door: She uses almost these exact words during her review of the first Resident Evil film when the commandos burst through the windows.
  • This Is Gonna Suck: Her reaction to reviewing Intermedio, not just due to it being a bad film but because it stars Amber Benson, one of her favorite actresses.
  • Those Wacky Nazis: She reviewed Ilsa: She-Wolf of the SS. She later reviewed The Black Gestapo, a hybrid between Nazispoloitation and Blaxploitation
  • Too Dumb to Live: The blond prisoner from Turkey Shoot decides when being chased by makeup woman to take a swim.
    Diamanda: Yes, for we lesbians are afraid of water. It's in the Bible, look it up.
    • The minions count as well.
    "You can have tomorrow off if you shoot yourself in the head!"
  • Too Happy to Live: The beginning of Memory Run
    Diamanda: We cut to a family. A happy family. A happy nuclear family. Surrounding a child in a bed no less. This cannot end well. *cue the empire theme*
  • Twist Ending: At least twice, an insane, out of nowhere twist has turned an uncharitably tedious movie into an amusing one out of sheer insanity.
    • Razor Blade Smile: The entire cloak and dagger vampire murder plot was an elaborate sex game.
  • Unnecessary Combat Roll: "Ninja Jester Girl " does one in The Story Of Ricky.
    Diamanda: Thank you, that was very necessary.
  • Weaksauce Weakness: As Robert Million discovered The theme from Barney & Friends makes her fall asleep.
  • We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties: Occurs during the review of Memory Run after it's revealed that Celeste, the male protagonist's brain in a female body is pregnant with his child.
  • We Have Reserves: Played for laughs, Diamanda is willing to kill her minions for messing up any task and the only time she held back her urge to murder a minion was when she only had one minion... and when more minions are cloned at the end she kills the first new minion to be successfully cloned
  • What the Hell, Hero?: She consistently points out how much of an asshole the leader in RATS: Night of Terror is, since he set one of his men on fire.
    • She also calls out God as portrayed in Left Behind and the Apocalypse series.
  • Who Writes This Crap?!: In the "Apocalypse 3: Tribulation" review, Hagan complains about the jokes, so she has the writer (portrayed by herself) beaten. She then has no clue what to say, so she does a little dance and mumbles through a bit of the film until she brings the writer back.
  • Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?: She's irked in Turkey Shoot that Thacher doesn't just kill one of the prisoners because he decides it would be "too easy".
    Diamanda: Where the fuck did you learn the craft of villainy? Doctor Evil university?
  • Villain Protagonist
  • Visible Boom Mic: When it appears in frame during Memory Run she plays the Final Fantasy victory theme. She then procedes to make out with what appears to be a bust of Shiva.
    Diamanda: I'm sorry. Every time I see a boom-mic, I have to do that. That's why the audio quality of my videos is so bad.
  • X Meets Y: She describes The Licker as a love-child between Gene Simmons and a Xenomorph.
  • You Keep Using That Word: She fervently believes that "castrate" can also refer to emasculation, to the point where when a minion calls her out on it, she offs him before ordering that the word be redefined in dictionaries to refer to both.

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alternative title(s): Diamanda Hagan
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