'Twatty Who reviews': a voice over review show in the vein of SF Debris, but with a lot more vitriol and a lot more sarcasm, drawing on a lifetime as a classic whovian and a palpable disappointment with the new series. seems to be the biggest hit with non-Hagan fans. Other shows reviewed in a sinilar manner include:
Bonekickers: which she claims to be the worst British show of its decade
Demons: said to be the worst show since 'Bonekickers', even exceeding its stupidity once or twice.
Actually Pretty Funny: She says this on seeing Stonewall and Riot, after having screwed their way through half the supervillains of the city, come to a complete stop and walk away when faced with a supervillainess.
A Date with Rosie Palms: While...enjoying the sight of Kirk Cameron crying in Left Behind it cuts to the Divinyls "I touch myself" with a caption stating "Divinyls break" This happens again after Viv calls Magwilde a "sad, messed up woman" in the final episode of Bonekickers
She also turned one of her minions into a vibrator...before retiring to her bedroom for several weeks.
A God Am I: Declares herself a god after coming back from the dead in her Intermedio review.
Alter Ego Acting: A pretty staunch type 1, as Diamanda Hagan is a separate person from her actor. (Who does exist, as her real self, in her character's universe where, for the crime of looking like the leader of Haganistan, she is eternally locked in the dungeon and forced to watch The Room.)
Alternate Universe Counterpart: Nina Galas in the Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist review. She wears clothing with a lighter colour scheme and plain white facepaint, is generally more upbeat if slightly withdrawn, and is routinely abused by the white-masked Tormentors.
Angrish: Diamanda tends to devolve into this during her Gwendolyn review due to the Patchwork Map, and having no minions to kill.
Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: Chastises Wood from Condor man for invading his friend's life, taking over his apartment, almost getting him in trouble with the local law, almost ruining his career by posing as a secret agent, stealing his bed and then trying to wake him up so he could show him his "hand drawn porn."
In the review of Starbooty, The main character's boss lists things found in the her(?) niece's dorm room including "Seventeen vials of crack cocaine, 36 used dental dams, a box of dead gerbils and a Lee press-on nail." Guess which on the main character calls the boss out on, which is then called out by Hagan.
Artistic License - Chemistry: In Harlem Rides the Range, Diamanda mentions the confusing initial plot point of a radium mine. Radium is not mined, it is refined from uranium using a process discovered by Pierre and Marie Curie.
In Left Behind she remarks it's amazing how when it's six in Israel it's 6:03 in Iraq, considering the latter is an hour ahead.
Hagan describes the first setting in Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik-Yak as a theme-park built on a set that's trying to approximate China. Later in she gets annoyed at the titular land shifting constantly between being a barren desert and a tropical rainforest leading her to yell "Just fucking pick one!"
She is outraged in Ilsa that her Nazi assistant is made up to look like Magnus Hirschfeld. It prompts her to get up onto a soap box and point out that Hirschfield in fact campaigned for gay rights and was opposed to the Nazis.
One of her major problems with Bone Kickers. For example, in one episode when a character remarks that Egyptians and the Greeks were more advanced that Britain 4000 years ago, she points out the oldest known habitation that still exists (and had drainage) is in Scotland. She takes special delight in pointing out stuff that could easily be a plot point if the writers knew anything about history (e.g., a cargo of slaves delivered under a decade after Britain outlawed the slave trade).
Artistic License - Law: One of the major plotholes in The Thirteenth Child (nothing to do with the book). The police led by an assistant DA try to confront the villain, only for him to point out that not only is their only evidence completely circumstantial but it was obtained during a warrantless search of his house, and that they don't even have a warrant to do a legal search much less arrest him (he also pointed this out during the first visit, only for the assistant DA to act huffy at the idea). They then proceed to ignore this and don't even seek a warrant or call for backup when one of them dies. The review also points out that the death of the first police officer was caused by him breaking and entering without a warrant and violating the containment of a dangerous animal; taken by itself the villain would probably get off.
Diamanda: Really, try lifting a knife in the air and see if it makes a sound like that.
Bad Boss: She kills, tortures and is generally horrible to her minions.
Lord Ted is this to Nina, Diamanda's alternate universe good counterpart.
Badass Boast: Does one at the end of her Biggles review which is also a near word for word Shout-Out to Kai from Lexx.
Badass Gay: Runs her own nation like a dictator, kills people, comes back from the dead, and strikes terror in the heart of Kirk Cameron as well as other internet reviewers.
Be Careful What You Wish For: In the review of Slaughtered Vomit Dolls, Diamanda expresses annoyance that the cameraman keeps vomiting on severed limbs and that he'd do it on something else for a change. He promptly vomits in a beer mug and drinks it back down.
The Bonekickers episode "The Cradle of Civilisation" used what were essentially middle-eastern devil worshipers as their bad guys. The episode was centered around Iraq and aired during The War on Terror.
The Adam Adamant Lives episode "Village of Evil" depicts a usually cool Adament getting visibly scared at the idea of Devil worship. Hagan points out that even in The Sixties, practicing Satanism was perfectly legal:
Hagan: He found a prayer book and a black candle and he's terrifed. He might as well be scared of a copy of the Talmud and a menorah.
In one review she threatens to rape one of the minions and every male in his family until the year 3000.
Played with in the Eat The Schoolgirl review, where she demands that Oancitizen make a rape scene in the movie funny, and the best he can come up with is playing the theme song from Jem over it. Diamanda is horrified.
One time the outright rapes Alistair just off screen because he wouldn't stop interrupting the review. Of course, it seems Alistair is so perverted that there's no sex act he won't willingly participate in.
Call Back: At the beginning of Eat the Schoolgirl, she states that she removed Oancitizen's balls because he obviously wasn't using them, and at the end says that she'll mail them back to him. It's almost exactly what happened at the end of his review of Ken Park.
And of course, Diamanda makes a cameo in To Boldly Flee, not caring that the ham in her sandwhich became a human hand.
Casanova Wannabe: When a male character manages to inexplicably bed an attractive woman, she'll sometimes go out and try the same lines on a woman in real life and get her ass kicked except in the Faust review when it actually worked .
Tenth Doctor: "Rosita"? Good name. Hagan:note not a fan of Rosita's near-namesake Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou FUCK! YOU! ... Anyway, there aren't enough "fuck you"s in the universe for that, so on with the story.
Come for the X, Stay for the Y:invokedFrom Zombeak: "I guess that's just part of the charm of the South. Come for the barbeque! Stay for the violence!"
Comedic Sociopathy: Just one of many examples: forcing one of her minions to go down on her and then shooting it in the head afterward. She then points out that said act is less evil than anything God as portrayed inLeft Behind is responsible for in the movie.
Crawl: Parodied at the beginning of her review of Raspberry Reich with examples like "What happened to Apollo Z. Hack's eye anyway?", "Coldguy actually room temperature", and "Brad tries...LordKat's semen? Probably not". The latter became Hilarious in Hindsight when Brad really did try a drink called "Semen". Though it wasn't from LordKat.
Crazy Cultural Comparison: Used with abandon in The Knackery review, where Aleister claims that, in Northern Ireland, they feed thermite to babies, eat cars, and lick paint, that aspirin is a luxury, that television is illegal, that standing in a field is the equivalent of having a very nice office, and that they teach you to shoot before they teach you how to perform a bowel movement (which they have to be taught how to do because they're stupid).
Cut Lex Luthor a Check: Or rather, cut him a bigger check. When the opening narration states that the Umbrella corporation is the world's leading producer of computer and medical technology, Diamanda remarks that it makes no sense that most of their profits come from shady military and bioweapon research.
Diamanda: Do you think that the makers of this have any concept of how much money is made in medical products, computer tech and healthcare? No? Well, neither do I, but it's sure to be a fuckload!
In Stonewall and Riot, she points out that the French Tickler's plan to use an orgasm ray to bring everyone in the city to orgasm so he can steal from them has the standard super villain problem that the equipment he uses to pull off the plan costs as much as he could steal.
Also, the types of movies she reviews make her sort of this to The Cinema Snob and Oancitizen. This was pointed out with regards to the former reviewer in their crossover review of Myra Breckinridge, which started with Snob and Hagan comparing notes on who reviewed the worst movie (and pointing out that they both reviewed Child Bride). Hagan won, by the way.
Dolled-Up Installment: Children of the Living Dead tries to pass itself off as a sequel to Night Of The Living Dead and Dawn of The Dead. Diamanda points out that this doesn't explain why the characters are so surprised when they encounter zombies.
Drinking Game: Invents one for ''Turkey Shoot' that every time a character threatens, indicates or suggests they're going to rape someone, take a shot. "I guarantee by the film's end, you'll be blind." This turns into a Running Joke for her later reviews.
Jew Wario calls her out on it during the Zombeak review, years after the joke began.
Dystopia: Haganistan is heavily implied to be one of these.
She also calls out Christians who believe in the Rapture about owning pets, since they could be scooped up by God at any given moment, leaving their pets behind to starve to death.
She makes a similar argument for why she is a vastly more benevolent deity than the God in the Apocalypse films, as she at least doesn't allow people to be mind controlled by the Anti Christ into accepting his mark, thereby damning them to Hell.
In her crossover review of Eat the Schoolgirl with Oancitizen she states that she's evil, but not racist. At the end of the review and after Kyle stops being insane, she remarks that "it would be dickish to kill someone for something they don't remember doing".
She's disgusted that a character in Ilsa: She-wolf of the SS - more than that, the doctor assisting the titular Ilsa - was deliberately made to look like Dr Magnus Hirschfield. She even gets on an actual soap box to rant about how Hirschfield fought for equal rights for gay, lesbian and transgender people, and how his efforts would be undone by the Nazis. "And this is the guy you base your evil doctor's assistant on. FUCK YOU!!!"
Actually, she's pretty disgusted with Illsa in general...not so much because she's evil ("When you're outcunted by me, you're a little bitch.") but because of how bloody annoying she is.
It says something when even Diamanda is freaked out by the imagery in Where the Dead Go to Die.
Even the Lesbian Overlord Wants Him: Even Diamanda couldn't resist the appeal of Oliver Reed with facial hair in Oancitizen's review of The Devils. Oancitizen is terrified by that.
Diamanda: [when asked how she feels about penises] Disgusting! [Oancitizen shows her a picture of Oliver Reed] How can you stand having one of those attached to your...[she gasps and faints in delight]
Minion: Mistress, are you okay?
Diamanda: OLIVER REED!
Oancitizen: [stares at the picture in horror] I must only use this power for good.
Fetish Retardant: invoked At first, she seems interested in a lesbian with a shaved head in her review of Preaching to the perverted. Then she learns that she was played by Julia Graham, who also played Elizabeth Magwilde in Bonekickers, the one character she hates most out of the entire series.
Fun with Subtitles: Since most of the characters in Battle of the Bone are mostly unintelligible, she uses subtitles whenever someone who's Northern Irish, aside from herself, speaks. For example, the one English actress gets no subtitles, but everyone else in the film does, as well as one sap on the street, even for lines that are perfectly clear.
While Northern Irish by citizenship, Hagan's actually of Scottish descent. Her accent's...somewhere in between.
Her review of Bad Biology had an incredible amount of this, to the point where you think she may have burned the radar. Though she censored any breast shots, she somehow managed to get a giant, deformed, drug-addicted, sentient penis along with its half-human offspring (don't ask) uncensored! Also vagina-masks. Hagan justified this saying she doesn't censor obviously fake nudity.
Similarly she's dismayed that any time there appears there's about to be a lesbian scene in Emmanuelle 4 nothing happens.
Diamanda: You fucking cunt tease! You fuck every man in a thirty metre radius, please fuck at least one woman! Please!
Tries using her 'godly' powers to turn Intermedio into 90 minutes of Alyson Hannigan having sex with every single woman she finds attractive in order of attractiveness. Sadly, this doesn't work. She also kills a man because Amber Benson's character in the movie doesn't do anything remotely lesbonic.
God Emperor: Hagan views herself as one. Her full self-proclaimed title, "Diamanda Hagan, God-Empress of the Great Nation of Haganistan, V.G.C, S.S.I., N.D.C., Mistress of all the Peoples of the Earth (Whether Recognized Or Not), Owner of Every Shark in the Sea and Tiger on Land, and Tiger at Sea Should Such a Thing Ever Be Observed, Conqueror of the World in General and Haganistan in Particular", directly parodies that used by Idi Amin.
God Is Inept: Observes this in Left Behind, stating that mass chaos would ensue due to the Rapture, including abandoned pets, major traffic pile-ups, and the fact that he's leaving all of your loved ones who have sinned to battle the antichrist. She then goes on to demonstrate that it's worse than her regular antics.
Diamanda: I just shot someone who was going down on me! That's the worst I'll ever do to you!
Used in her review of Gwendoline. While she remarks about the sudden genre shift the viewers aren't meant to notice, for the rest of the review she sports a different outfit, make up and hair color than before. When criticizing the random editing of a scene, it then randomly cuts to teddy the minion before cutting back to Hagan.
Insane Troll Logic: Deployed in Aleister's "History of LBGT People" video, where he acts out a scene depicting how Victorians believed that female sexuality and lesbianism didn't exist;
Aleister: Are you sure you don't exist, Ms. Licksalot?
Ms. Licksalot: Umm... yes.
Aleister: It's just that I could've sworn I saw you perform cunnilingus on that woman.
Ms. Licksalot: If lesbians don't exist, then I can't be performing cunnilingus, because lesbianism doesn't exist. So therefore I can't have done the act, because I don't exist!
Aleister: ...You win this round.
I Take Offense to That Last One: Alistair loses yet another job for refusing to do something minorly inconvenient for an otherwise taxing and/or bizarre role.
Casting Director: You'll need to shave off your moustache, go on hormones to grow breasts, have them removed, have a vaginoplasty, get some tatoos, and be okay with being naked and fucking people on screen.
Alistair : I'm not shaving off my moustache!
Karma Houdini: Welshy trolls Hagan pretty hard by pretending to be the overlord of Channel Awesome. He gets away with it because she isn't sure whether he may or may not be for realnote He clearly bribed her minion to put that doubt in her mind and she can't nuke Wales as a whole because of a dominatrix she once dated there.
Leitmotif During field-tests, an uptempo version of "Gonk," done on guitar and xylophone, plays in the background.
Le Parkour: It is demonstrated in the Battle of the Bone review that the average Northern Irishman in fact can't naturally perform Parkour.
Lets See YOU Do Better: Inverted in her "Where the Dead go to Die" review, where she complains about the cgi characters accidentally merging together when they hug. She feels rendering like that is basic and should be fixed, especially when so much weird and truly disturbing material get's more focus, before realizing if she could animate, she'd focus on the surreal material and disregard everything else.
Mama Bear: On the "Your Reviews" sections of the TGWTG forums, she will often encourage and give helpful advice to those struggling to find a voice. When anyone starts heavily criticizing those people or her colleagues, she will come down on them hard.
Mysterious Past: It's strongly hinted in the The Truth About Demons review that Hagan was once Jerrica from Jem. In her "Nixon and Hogan Smoke Christmas" review, it is confirmed that she was Jerrica, Sarsaparilla The Weed Witch was Kimber, and The Rap Critic was Aja.
Has captions to advise that she did not add the dramatic sting during Ilsa when the title character is stroking a dildo.
There's a caption during the Left Behind review to stress that a padding scene of the main character looking over a balcony is this length in the actual movie.
She also says she isn't kidding that Kirk Cameron and his wife are contractually obligated to only have kissing scenes with each other, and even shows footage from several films to demonstrate this.
Uses a caption saying "As originally edited" numerous times in her review of Intermedio.
During the Benny Hill-worthy chase scene in Gwendoline, she states that the only change she made to the scene was adding "Yakety Sax".
The review of Gayniggers From Outer Space features an "I DID NOT ADD THIS MUSIC" disclaimer on a scene which features the theme from S.W.A.T..
Not That There's Anything Wrong with That: Mae West's last film, Sextette, she makes repeated jokes about how the leading lady is obviously in her eighties and trying to look four decades younger. Near the end, she clarifies that there's nothing wrong with finding an eighty-year-old woman attractive, it's just a lot less common than the movie portrays it.
Nuke 'em: In a crossover appearance on Brows Held High, Hagan nukes every city called Visalia on the planet. This is because Ken Park was set in Visalia. And Hagan couldn't be bothered to remember which city Oancitizen wanted nuked.
N-Word Privileges: Parodied in her review of Gay Niggers From Outer Space. She gives a big speech on how bleeping the one in the title would just seem trite and hypocritical. Of course, the censorship equipment seems to be broken, as the word "space" is also bleeped.
Obviously Evil: Says that Nicolae Carpathia of Left Behind is the most obvious villain name since Darkheart Rapesbabies.
Recursive Canon: She does a review of Project Million and doesn't realize that she - or at least a version of herself - was in it. When they say her name she thinks the movie is talking to her, and when Aleister appears he doesn't seem to realize he was in it either.
Sound Effect Bleep: Whenever she's cursing out the filmmakers of Ilsa, most of it is bleeped. Subverted when afterward she says fuck without being censored.
Sound Track Dissonance: During a flogging scene in Ilsa she says it needs Devo and she starts to play Whip It Later when a character is being buried she plays Working in a Coalmine. To complete the trilogy, when the American spy is snooping around she plays Secret Agent Man
She sets an overly long fight scene in The Man from Hong Kong to Yakety Sax.
The "Feel free to commit suicide" segment of the Intermedio review.
Special Effect Failure:invoked A particularly bad head-smashing scene in Schizophreniac the Whore Mangler causes her to burst out laughing.
Describes Magwilde from Bone Kickers as Ann Coulter if she studied archaeology instead of wing-nuttery.
Fox News in general is a favorite target.
As is Matthew Graham, lead writer of Bone Kickers and the man who wrote "Fear Her".
Diamanda:...thus cementing him in "Hagan's List of People She Wouldn't Let the Minions Piss On If They Were On Fire!"
States that the fascist villain named Thatcher in Turkey Shoot still manages to be more cuddly than Margaret Thatcher.
Throughout her review of Condor Man several jokes are made about Oliver Reed's drinking.
After witnessing Jimmy Wang Yu's "interrogation" technique in The Man From Hong Kong, Hagan quips she thinks he must have worked for the US forces in Iraq.
In one review of Bone Kickers, she explains that Parton decided to piss off the French by bringing British wine along, and says 'Yes, that really does exist." Cut to a photo of bottles of wine, all with 'Cheap [Wine type] Wine' on the label, accompanied by 'Rule Brittania'.
Take That, Us: While reviewing Project Million, a film she starred in, Hagan not only fails to recognize herself, but consistently mocks her acting ability, asexual build, and choice of makeup.
Talking to Herself: Any scene with Diamanda talking to Aleister, or Nina Galas. She takes this one step further when her voiceover self and on-camera self both start talking to each other in Preaching to the Perverted and Emmanuelle 5.
Diamanda: Voiceover version of me, are you sure that's the right part?
Voiceover: Do you want to do this? I could stand in front of a camera, looking all glamorous if you'd rather stand here, yelling into a microphone for no credit at all!
This gets taken up a notch in the Tribulation review, where voiceover-Hagan and the on-camera-Hagan take out the writer-Hagan, and they both end up being unfunny and awkward, not knowing what to do next because writer-Hagan is the one who writes how they behave.
We Have Reserves: Played for laughs, Diamanda is willing to kill her minions for messing up any task and the only time she held back her urge to murder a minion was when she only had one minion... and when more minions are cloned at the end she kills the first new minion to be successfully cloned
What the Hell, Hero?: She consistently points out how much of an asshole the leader in RATS: Night of Terror is, since he set one of his men on fire.
She also calls out God as portrayed in Left Behind and the Apocalypse series.
You Keep Using That Word: She fervently believes that "castrate" can also refer to emasculation, to the point where when a minion calls her out on it, she offs him before ordering that the word be redefined in dictionaries to refer to both.