If you're a defense lawyer, you can totally steal random crap from the scene of a crime and use it not only to prove that your client is innocent, but that the witnesses, police, or even the prosecution are guilty. Usually, no one will complain about your blatant violations of evidence law.
There are no honest prosecutors, only people who are driven by insanity or tragic pasts to knowingly and willingly convict innocent people.
If an unknown suspect shoveled snow, that proves that the suspect is a man, because women are incapable of doing physical work like that. I mean, a shovel could have a mass of up to 3 kilograms (7 pounds); that's way too much for a woman to lift.
Perfectionists are eeeeeeevil.
So are red-haired women. Orange doesn't count, it has to be straight-up red.
Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney: The best kind of court system is one in the hands of a senile old judge, with the assistance of a scruffy hobo who's a proven fraud!
Not to mention, defense attorneys are easily manipulated by their rivals and mentors, and do nothing, while the prosecutors get fangirls and rock bands. Oh, and the criminals get better jail cells than your entire office. Even the total psychos.
Forgery, even forgery that ruins multiple people's lives, is okay so long as you're too naive to know what you're doing is wrong. If you're a broke artist, feel free to manipulate your talented, agoraphobe daughter. Don't trust the nice guy who gives you a good luck charm to help you break free of your crippling fear of outside; he's evil and has a creepy scar. Feel free to leave your seven-year-old daughter with a defense attorney you don't know and who's probably going to be out of work soon, it's not like you could trust him with the one piece of information guaranteed to get you out of this mess. Obsessing over one case for seven years is just fine, your adopted daughter can be the breadwinner. And these are all from ONE case.
Don't trust men with pretty hands or men with ugly hands, especially not if the same guy qualifies as both depending on whether he's pushing on his glasses.
It's ok to scream, point, hit desks, and generally be uncivilized in the court of law, it's not like anyone's going to say anything about it.
Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Justice For All: If you're a prosecutor, it's okay to repeatedly whip the defense, witnesses, and even Your Honor. Come on! See that defense attorney who just defeated you? Whip him until you knock him out—only the defense can ever be held in contempt of court!
An even better thing to do is to throw coffee mugs full of coffee at the defense, because that is reasonable.
HOLD IT! (desk slam): Only the Defense can be disbarred for presenting false evidence! If you're the Prosecutor all that matters is getting a conviction, so the ends justify the means. So go ahead and fabricate, hide or outright destroy evidence if it'll help your case.
Aside from cause and time of death, forensic evidence should be ignored entirely. All fingerprints are either planted or wiped. All final clues from the victims are forgeries. All items belonging to the defendant were easily stolen and used. The truth can only be reached from the initial assumption that the defendant is innocent.
Never give anyone else a motive to kill you. They'll probably try. And in the best case scenario, justifiable self-defense is still a crime and your life will be ruined anyway. Then again, you can always make a friend in local law enforcement to ensure that he'll show up in the nick of time to stop you from ever needing to follow through with either outcome.
The best deposition comes from ghosts.
If a gang member mortally wounds the son of a rival crime family, it will lead to said rival family deciding to leave crime (thus eliminating the competition) rather than seeking revenge and escalating the gang warfare. Killing rival gang leaders' family members won't put you in the rival gang's crosshairs or in prison, it will lead to peace and prosperity for your gang!
If someone is a mob boss's son, it's safe to prosecute him, but if someone is a mob boss's granddaughter, it's not worth it to even consider prosecuting her when she's clearly an accomplice to murder.
Perjury is, in fact, NOT a criminal offence and it's totally fine to take the witness stand again if you've been known to give fraudulent testimonies.
If a teenager or young adult is kidnapped, you should immediately start to suspect that either the victim is a murderer, or the people trying to save them are protecting a murderer.
The police are so incompetent at crime scene investigation that biased untrained lawyers and their child companions can do a better job. This is true even if they grab important evidence without worrying about whether they get their prints on it or that the culprits might steal this evidence from the unarmed "investigators."
If the defendant is innocent, it will pretty much always be possible to get the real culprit onto the stand and have them give a confession or near-confession once enough evidence against them is gathered.
If people a man loved were murdered, he'll become a brooding and mysterious Anti-Hero or Anti-Villain, but if a girl has someone she loves murdered, she'll be a super-energetic, bubbly companion who will receive massive compliments on how brave she is while she briefly cries, but then become a cheerful inspiration.
If someone asks you to defend someone else they know, pay close attention to the suspect. If he or she is loudly declaring his or her guilt, then their innocence is assured and you can safely accept the case. If they say they didn't do it, though, they're guilty as hell.
As a corollary, any public admission of guilt that isn't made on the witness stand is proof of innocence.
Burglaring the office of the chief of police and publicly admitting to it will not carry any legal consequences as long as you win with whatever you found there.
It's ok to take people hostage and threaten to kill them if you don't get a retrial for a wrongfully convicted person, as long as you're doing it out of love and you turn yourself in afterwards. The legal system is useless and can't be trusted, after all.
If your goal in life is to save someone, to the point where you enter (or re-enter) your profession and become certified in it because of that goal... just wait around for something to happen. Something big will happen that inevitably allow you to save that person and make everything ok. Don't worry about the fact that the person you're trying to save is on death row and their execution date is approaching fast; you don't need to actually go through any back-breaking work to get a re-trial or overturn their conviction, because everything will just work itself out by miracle.
The Warchiefs: The Red Man can have them too if tribe his powerful enough.
The Asian Dynasties: Same goes for non-mainstream religious sects.
Albion: People who look different from you and live in an exotic place all have only a single culture, are primitive and have little impact on things, which is the reason colonists from the same place you came from who look like you have almost entirely replaced them where they were aboriginal.
Applies to the series as a whole. Who needs scruples, you're a mercenary! Money is your new god.
Akai Ito / Aoi Shiro: Having hot girl-on-girl action with your undead auntie will solve all of your problems.
Ar tonelico: In the first game: If you're born into a situation where you have to be sing a song in a dark and lonely place for all eternity to prevent a virus from getting out, you're a whiny little brat if you protest in the least about it; oh, and the guy who put you in that position doesn't deserve criticism from his son about it. In the second game: conflicts can't be solved by making cruel people understand the feelings of those they harm, only by making those they harm be understanding to them, and if a character doesn't agree the fans will hate her as a manipulative bitch.
Asura's Wrath: If its not working, you're simply not angry enough.
There is no such thing as a problem that can't be solved by punching someone in the face.
Bioshock: An Objectivist society with no sense of charity or human rights, will be a utopia unless it has a lot of technology.
Trying to overthrow a racist, oppressive theocracy is exactly the same as creating a racist, oppressive theocracy.
BlazBlue: If you love someone, then joining a tyrannical organization who stores two Complete Monster while abandoning other people that loved you and you love them back and possibly murdering them for the sake of saving that loved one is a completely acceptable action you should do ASAP! In the name of love!
Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia: Anything worth accomplishing in life, whether good or evil, can only be achieved by killing yourself. Consider killing yourself so that better people don't have to.
The Cat Lady: Feeling down? Your entire life has been ruined in an instance? Have no desire to go on living? Don't worry, here's a great coping mechanism: hunt down five dangerous serial killers, kill them, and everything will go back to normal.
Sometimes - just sometimes - cancer patients will turn completely healthy for no obvious reason.
Civilization: All civilians are nothing more than tools to be used by their political leaders for the purpose of conquering and subjegating all foreign powers, or at the very least achieving world domination. Anyone who tells you otherwise is an enemy agent trying to incite rebellion in you and your civic neighbors and needs to be executed immediately.
Genocide is okay if it helps you take over the world. Mandantory deaths of half a city's population upon its capture, excusable. Razing the entire city and replacing it with a settlement of your people, strategically advantageous.
Becoming extremely rich, exploring other planets, or haing lots if pretty buildings will cause you to rule the world, even if half your civilization has been overrun and twenty tanks are right outside your capital.
Speaking of pretty buildings, in Civ V they are the only way to enact social policies. Any civilization without them must be an anarchy.
Gandhi was actually a monstrous psychopath who wants to develop nuclear weapons and blow up every other civilization. Especially yours.
Dead or Alive: All women have large tits that defy physics, and all of them have no qualms about beating you senseless.
Inviting these violent women to a secluded island with a volleyball net will cause them to forget everything about fighting and break out the Les Yay.
Ninjas might have katanas that can slice through helicopters or magic that can destroy an entire skyscraper, but they are too honorable to use those things if you challenge them to a one-on-one battle.
Invisible War: Loyalty and commitment are for wussies. You can swap sides in a conflict at a whim - everybody will welcome an inveterate turncoat with open arms even they are among the long list of people you've already betrayed.
Leaving humanity alone and allowing it to progress naturally and sort its shit out is not by all means a valid option - no, if you want to save the world (not that anybody asked you to), you have to interfere with the natural course of things as much as possible.
If it turns out that the Information Age took away our freedom and privacy, the only way to fix that is to plunge the world right back into dark ages and try again.
Where you will be forced to work 20 hour workdays, with no days off (ever), for abysmally low pay. All for a boss who will kill you whenever it's mildly convenient/amusing. Also, you will invariably be killed off by about day three when you talk about Demon LordEtna just a little too loudly.
If you kill yourself to stop you own machines, which would have been easy enough if you just put on an off switch on them you can still get into heaven... providing your willing to do hours of humilitating community service in a green penguin suit and be laughed at by your companions.
You can only persuade your ideological opponents with bribes or with force. More often than not, the latter.
Throwing people is fun. Especially if they're your allies.
Polluting the environment is a good thing since it keeps demonic forces from taking interest in your planet.
Donkey Kong Country Returns: The good guys are Donkey Kong and Cranky Kong, gorillas, Diddy Kong, a chimp, and Squawks, a parrot. The hypnotized animals are an elephant, a giraffe, a zebra, hippos, and a squirrel. These are all animals native to Africa. The Tikis, on the other hand, originate from Polynesia. Therefore, Africans are either apes or poor victims of exploitation incapable of fending for themselves, while Polynesians are resource-stealing savages that come from the deepest pits of hell (hence, the Volcano) to bring havoc across the face of the earth.
Dot Hack GU: Kids, never look for a legendary-rumoured item while playing a MMORPG - doing so will lead your or one of your friends to be trapped in the game forever, and unleash a menace that threatens to destroy the WORLD!!!
Never do anything selfish or egotistical, it just opens up slightly cheekier dialog options and prematurely ends story arcs, with much the same results.
If a friend of yours happens to have royal blood, and no desire to rule, you must not only pressure them to become king, but "harden" them, because cynicism abruptly brings maturity that training recruits and fighting darkspawn will not.
Dragon Age II: Attempting to compromise is pointless. Only extremists can accomplish anything. Also, the best person to judge the fate of a mass murderer is someone who is known for being their associate, friend, or lover, and expecting them to fairly mete out justice is not misguided or cruel in any way.
The best people to watch over potentially dangerous people are those from an order institutionally prejudiced against said group. Their methods are always justified because if you treat said people humanely, they will betray you every time.
Duke Nukem Grossly objectifying women is just fine, so long as you commit xenocide.
Dwarf Fortress: If a neighboring country asks you to take it easy with the deforestation, it's your imperative to raze them all, and when those foreigners object, hack them up for good measure. Shave the Earth!
Police officers will kill you for killing someone's chicken or stealing a sweet roll.
Animals all want to kill you, so the logical thing is to kill them first. Don't worry about silly things like endangered species or destroying nature's delicate balance.
The only reason you should do someone a favor or make friends with someone is so you can get a valuable item in return, or so you can use them as enslaved pack-mules for your long journeys.
Alcohol gives you stamina, so you should drink a lot of it. You will still be fully alert enough to swing a sword after downing ten bottles of wine or mead.
If you're rich enough, you can get away with literally anything, even murdering an entire town (sadly, Truth in Television).
Epic Mickey: Hey kids! Are you dealing with bullies or people who are in any way against you? Just grab some paint and throw it at them, after a good soaking they won't be mad, they'll become instantly loyal to you! Oh, and don't worry if you get some on nearby buildings or trees, you'll end up making them prettier! It's not vandalisim if it looks nice!
Eternal Darkness: Evil demigods can only be defeated through the power of other evil demigods. So, if you're afraid of going to Hell and being tormented by Satan, you don't want Jesus. Start worshipping Nyarlathotep.
Eversion: If you don't change the world, you'll be stuck where you are forever. If you do change the world, you'll make it Hell.
Some might argue this is accurate.
Your world is a lie and in reality far more horrible than you can imagine. But don't try finding out, because you'll turn out just as horrible too.
Exit Fate: You're just an Unwitting Pawn of your parent(s), who decided to live vicariously through you, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
Fable II: It's quite alright to destroy the lives of five people, one of which is your own niece/nephew who will spend 10 years alone in a black magic tower, one who will end up abandoning her faith and losing her father, one who will become insane and want to reshape the world, one who will be endlessly stalked by the former and one who will become immortal and suffer a life of loneliness just so long as you get some nice real estate with a view.
The second game takes place a long time after the first one, making it impossible for Sparrow to be the first protagonist's child unless (s)he was Really 700 Years Old. Also, Reaver's not lonely, he's just a dick.
Fable III: Balancing expensive but benevolent social and environmental programs against expensive but necessary defense programs is hard, so just invest all your money in real estate until you can afford to fully fund both out of your own pocket. Autocratic land barons are the real cure to all of society's ills!
Fallout: You can balance out killing and enslaving good people, by killing and enslaving bad people.
The world will ultimately be destroyed by Chinese Communism.
Stealing, even from evil people, is bad. However murdering evil people, cutting off their fingers, and then selling them is not just okay, it is the right thing to do. This even applies if they did not shoot first.
Fallout 3: enslaving people who rape, kill and dismember for fun is just wrong. Beating them to death with a sledgehammer is okay though.
It's more than perfectly acceptable to send a scared 19-year-old kid who just left his vault looking for his/her dad into the worst part of DC where super mutants are in abundance to repair the GNR radio all just so he/she can know where his/her dad went.
If your most hated person (who happens to be a doctor) just left the vault, it's more than perfectly reasonable to have the only other doctor in the vault beaten to death, plunge the entire vault into mayhem, threaten your own child, have anyone caught outside their bedroom shot on sight. All so you can locate the doctor's kid.
And don't even bother to check the kid's room before you do all that.
Leaving people's minds enslaved in a virtual reality is evil. Terminating them all before leaving their former warden in the same prison should cleanse your conscience.
Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Crystal Bearers: Stealing from old women and/or knocking them down right in front of law enforcement won't result in anything worse than the law enforcement knocking you down without injuring or arresting you or the old women trying to steal some of your money in retaliation. Throwing old people across the room and knocking them onto their backs on a stone floor will not cause any bone damage. If you shake down a girl so that you can steal the many coins fall out of her pockets, she won't even mention it when thanking you for retreiving her pet.
Members of a race whose members are currently employed mainly in agriculture will always be poor no matter what.
No matter how transparently evil you are, if you're strong you'll somehow become a General. Then, when the king "mysteriously" disappears, no one will think to suspect you or question your taking command through martial law "temporarily".
Final Fantasy I: Go to Japan androgynous and you come back to America a girl. Even if you were male before.
Final Fantasy II: The plot will still go on without you, so it doesn't matter if you die.
Final Fantasy VII: If the evil exploiting corporation has a plan for saving the entire world from disaster that has even a faint chance of succeeding, you should sabotage that plan to comply with the last wishes of some dead hippie instead.
Eco-terrorists are the good guys, even when their actions result in the death of innocents.
Using the very limited amount of lifeblood of the world not only causes pollution, it literally kills the planet, which is a living thing. We'll stick to coal, oil, and natural gas instead, as a long-term alternative.
Hey kids! Terrorism is great, especially against a power company that is destroying our environment! (Bonus Points if said terrorism cuts the power to an entire city making people freeze to death, preventing Police from being dispatched, and Firemen from being able to put out fires that would otherwise burn down an entire city and killing thousands.)
Don't be silly. The people of that city weren't innocent, because anyone who isn't a terrorist is supporting the evil empire in spirit!
If bullies call you names and throw snowballs at you, turning them into mindless zombies is a perfectly healthy response. Also, reacting to your feelings of helplessness and low self-esteem by making everyone in the world participate in gladiatorial fights governed by arbitrary rules with jail sentences as a penalty for disobedience is a-okay!
Final Fantasy VIII: Never Be Yourself. If some girl you just met starts nagging you to be more like her ex-boyfriend, you should go ahead and be more like her ex-boyfriend.
Also, if you run into a problem (such as being psychically warped back into your unknown father's mind, whatever you do don't think about it.
If your childhood friends approach you and ask you to help them kill your foster mom, and they also don't seem to remember you or her, don't ask any questions about this. Instead, focus all your energy on getting laid, and try to shoot your foster mother in the fucking head!
The best person to run a paramilitary organization is an emotionally-stunted teenager.
Final Fantasy X: Everyone who is religious is either an evil hypocrite or an idiot who follows evil hypocrites blindly. The best way to deal with problems is with conventional violence instead of a spiritual solution.
Destroying the civilization you grew up in, along with every single person you've ever known, and effectively committing suicide, for the sake of a girl you met a month ago, is A-OK and the heroic way of doing things.
Hot-Blooded idealists deserve to be punched in the face occasionally.
If you've been forced into doing something you don't want to, don't do it straight away and dick around trying to find a way out of it in the meantime.
Don't worry if you've smacked up your sister's fiancé and emotionally abused your sister out of resentment, everything will all work out in the end after you endure the Despair Event Horizon, gain a magical pony and eventually take down the government.
Final Fantasy XIII-2: If something goes well for you in a seemingly bleak situation, then congratulations! You've just doomed the entirety of time and space.
Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII: If nearly every world destroying consequence, every time and space rift, every young woman dying because of their Blessed with Suck gift of foresight, every Long-Lost Relative removed from the proper time stream, and granting her own personal life force to a suicidal man that also happens to keep the barrier between the world of the living and dead seperated is Etro's fault, then take your frustrations out on Bhunivelze for having to make the best of the situation as he can when he shows up to clean up the mess. Because he can't fulfill your desires perfectly.
The memories and spirits of lost loved ones will only weigh you down, therefor it's best if you are forced to forget about them completely.
Final Fight 2: If your fiance and master get kidnapped, eh just let your fiance's sister, an old friend of yours and some boarder he hangs around with rescue them for you; in case if anyone asks why you did nothing about it just tell them that you were out training they'll understand.
It's totally okay to nag your potential husband about the mask he always wears and demand he take it off for your satisfaction, even knowing he obviously wears it for comfort reasons!
In love with a girl who's in love with someone else and still hurting over it? Propose to her and promise to "heal" her of her painfully unrequited feelings, she'll totally say yes!
Fire Emblem: Genealogy of the Holy War: Only a woman with cursed blood will ruin the world if she has children. A man with the same cursed blood won't do the same by fathering any. According to the village gossip, that is.
Technically, for the generation in question the only remaining person with the cursed bloodline was that one woman (Cigyn). If the same message was applied to Deirdre at some point, it's likely that the speaker assumed that Deirdre was Cigyn's only child. The man's heritage was not really a matter of public record, especially in that part of the world.
Fire Emblem Awakening (and Genealogy to a lesser extent): Micromanaging the relationships between your entire army is totally not-creepy and can even be necessary to ensure that their children will have optimal strength and skills. Or put simply: eugenics works.
Related to this, homosexual relationships are pointless and are thus not allowed, despite how much good chemistry the beefy chick and the sorceress have.
It's okay to be selfish and totally doom the world by refusing to kill the Big Bad if it means saving your One True Companion!
Having your love interest turn your guts to pudding is totally awesome and not at all painful!
It's okay to kill and maim things as long as you smile while you're doing it!
Gitaroo Man: You are a complete failure at life unless you happen to be a legendary hero. You can also be a two-timer just because the other girl is from another planet and looks like your crush. And punching the smug bastard who she's with means that you're a real man.
Gone Home: Love is worth any sacrifice. Even if that means you must abandon your morals, your dream career, and your family.
There's nothing wrong with stealing.
Gradius: A word to any evil alien races out there - when designing your battleships, their cores should be protected by several easy-to-destroy gates and nothing more.
The Harvest Moon series: The surest way to get people to be your friend is bribery. True Love takes even more of that.
Everyone you know is a complete ingrate who will complain and lower their opinion of you if you give them a gift they happen to dislike.
The most heinous crimes known to man are littering and cruelty to animals.
"Halo": To save humanity from extinction from aliens or itself, you just need to kidnap children and turn them into super soldiers and then make another generation of mass produced ones from orphans to slow down the aliens.
inFAMOUS 2: Humans Are Special so when given the chance to maybe save them of a disease by killing untold millions around the world including yourself, accept it otherwise you're an evil and selfish jerk.
Alternatively go ahead and destroy society and even more untold millions, it's not like every Differently Powered Individual, including yourself, is an unhinged mass-murdering jerk, social Darwinism works great!
The Universe is inherently unfair and will kill you at any chance it gets.
That's right. Everything's out to get you. You're not safe, no matter where you go. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A REPRIEVE FROM A UNIVERSE THAT SEEKS NOTHING BUT YOUR DEATH. G'night, Billy!
Jade Empire: Training awesome martial arts skills while professing a belief in peace and harmony, before brutally decapitating soldiers who are only fighting you because it's their job, is absolutely fine and not at all hypocritical.
Jak and Daxter: Men should study the fundamental forces of the universe, women should go out of their way to wear the most Stripperific costume they can find.
Jak II: Attempting to open new routes to explore will only result in a horde of scuttling bug monsters destroying most of civilisation.
Jak III: It's OK if you've spent the entirety of history pretending to be all-powerful energy beings as long as you're willing to fire a planetary defense grid at a target that would gleefully have killed you as well if it arrived.
It's okay to reject help from your friends and then change your mind five minutes later! They won't chew you out on it at all!
Jak X: no matter how anyone else on your team does, if you personally don't do so well you'll all still lose, even if that rather explicitly isn't part of the rules. By extension, your teammates are parasites who don't do shit to help out, yet bask in your reflected glory all the way to the grand final.
The Lost Frontier: You should feel free to go from helping out the apparently noble civilization to joining forces with a pirate who tried to kill you not three days ago, just because your girlfriend says you should.
Kana: Little Sister: Never ever have a girlfriend or your sister, who is long beyond her life expectancy, will die a painful death.
Katamari Damacy: Every time your dad screws up, you have to fix things for him.
By rolling up every human, animal, and structure on Earth (including entire countries) and turning them into stars. But don't worry, it's not like stars are actually blazing hot masses of energy that will effectively incinerate anything on the surface of the Katamari during transformation...
God will send his only son to crush you and your entire town to fix the mess that he himself caused. And if he's not satisfied? Oh well! He'll just vaporize you into stardust!
We Love Katamari: It's totally acceptable for you to ask space aliens to destroy entire cities and even entire planets just to give you something to look at in the sky.
Katawa Shoujo: True beauty is on the inside. And on whatever's left of the outside, too. After all, even the blind girl knows how important it is to look your best!
Kingdom Hearts: Kids, if you're ever unwillingly taken away from your world and invited by a duck and a dog thing to have multidimensional adventures risking your own safety, don't even THINK about trying to contact your parents. They're not worried.
Alternatively: Kids, if people destroy worlds and try to kill you countless times, manipulate you and steal the hearts of millions, and you make the sensible decision of trying to stop them, why you're a cold blooded monster! Sure, they were acting purely out of self interest, with no regard for the countless lives that would be lost, but they were sexy, you fiend!
On the other hand, any human is worthy of forgiveness as long as they're a brooding, androgynously beautiful teenage boy, never mind that he unleashed an endless wave of The Heartless across multiple worlds and put the entire universe in peril basically so he could go on a joyride.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with enlisting a band of foreign adventurers to destabilize a small African nation.
Stalking a 15 year old boy is ok if you're Bishonen, and will earn you fangirls who will write about your loving relationship.
Evil is an efficient method of transportation.
If you saw someone wearing a black coat, it means they're from Organization XIII!
Spliting yourself apart is a good way to get superpowers even if it slightly taxes your humanity.
King's Quest VI: When dealing with a murderer, don't do things half-assed. Don't simply rush in, stop his plans and save everyone else. To be a true hero, you have to bring his victims back from the dead, too!
Knights of the Old Republic II: Everything you've ever done has only caused other people to suffer. No exceptions. Also: I'm right and you're wrong. No exceptions.
HK-47: The best way to ensure you're awesome is to kill people meatbags and gloat about it entertainingly.
The Handmaiden: Killing and hurting people is the clearest and truest form of communication any sentient species has ever come up with.
The Last of Us: It's more than perfectly OK to act terse and emotionally distant/borderline emotionally abusive to a little fourteen year old girl, to act like your pain is so greater than hers that she should just shut up and follow your orders. Just kick a bunch of ass, have a few Pet the Dog moments and get her out of some tight jams and she'll totally not want to just walk off on you.
The Legend of Zelda: It's okay to take bribes from enemy monsters not to tell where they are, but duly appointed (albeit brainwashed) guardians of the royal family must be killed for standing in your way!
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time: A king should immediately cease contacts with an allied race because his ten year old daughter thinks their leader looks evil. It's also completely unreasonable for him not to believe her, when she says that some vague dream about clouds is a prophecy about how evil that allied leader is.
The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask: Do you want to be treated like an adult? Carry a lethal weapon at all times. If you wear a cow mask as well, you'll be considered even more mature.
Impersonating people's loved ones is a perfectly acceptable way to help solve their immediate problems. You also shouldn't worry about the effect your sudden absence will have on them once you return to your own country, even if they thought you were their boyfriend or the leader of the tribe.
Even if you change shape right in front of people, no one will ever realize you're the same person.
If you encounter a dying person, you should remove their face and wear it in order to impersonate them.
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess: People should respect your honorable qualities and fear your darker qualities. But they should never learn that you have both, and certainly shouldn't believe that your darker aspects are being harnessed for the greater good.
Mass Effect: Remember kids, pragmatism is wrong. When dealing with difficult situations, always deal in the same broad strokes. There is no such thing as gray area.
It's absolutely fine, and indeed a good thing, to commit wholesale slaughter on a specific race if it means protecting the galaxing from a greater threat. No one will bat an eye at this near genocide. Besides, that race was ugly, so who cares?
No matter the proof you bring, no matter what happens, governments will not act and accuse you of lying, even if you save them from the threat. Only way to efficiently fight against the threat is a racist terrorist organization.
All the armies, all the starships, all the brave people of all the united empires of the galaxy can change absolutely nothing unless The Hero saves them. Should anything happen to The Hero, do not try to carry on the fight — you have to somehow resurrect The Hero or everything's lost. Also, The Hero's True Companions, who are just as skilled and know as much about the threat to all life in the galaxy, will scatter and proceed to obsess about their personal problems, unless The Hero is there to shepherd them back on track.
Terrorists just have humanity's best interests at heart
Civilian leadership is always incompetent and obstructive. The only people you can trust to protect you are members of the military.
If you advance your civilization's technology too far, Mecha-Cthulhu will harvest you and turn you into one of them.
And when those Mecha-Cthulhu come to harvest, don't even bother trying to fight back. Not because you'll fail, but because your success will do more damage than the Mecha-Cthulhu ever could.
It's more than perfectly okay to cause the deaths of 300,000+ members of a sentinent race if it's for a good cause, no need to feel gut-rending guilt over it. They weren't humans, or even attractive aliens, anyhow.
People with brittle-bone disease? You can forget having an actual human being to love, because you are literally made of glass. Instead, you must contend with dating robots and sentinent A.I.s.
Master of Orion: Killing and enslaving people, and destroying whole planets is a praiseworthy activity and will get you elected as ruler of the universe. Everyone will just love you for it.
Metal Gear Solid 3: If you are a woman, and involved in dangerous covert operations, walking around with your top unzipped will do more for your chances of survival than legendary combat prowess. Remember, girls, Vasquez Always Dies.
Metal Gear Solid 2: Terrorism is brilliant, as long as you're doing it for your ideals and morals (whatever they may be), and not for your benefit. If you're not a terrorist or support their right to murder countless people because of their beliefs, you're a mindless sheep or you're still being educated in the true meaning of life.
It doesn't matter if your girlfriend is a delusional hallucination caused by a combination of your own fractured mind, a broken computer influencing your thoughts, and the gunpowder you use as food condiments - if she still puts out, she's your perfect match.
Metal Gear Solid: It doesn't matter if men have obscene personality flaws, can provide you with no stability whatsoever and have known you for about three hours - as long as he's handsome, you're bound to fall in love with him, and even lucky for it. It doesn't even matter if you don't like men. The bitter, traumatised, sterile (but handsome) killer who treats you and everyone else like crap and is going to drop randomly dead at any moment is still perfect boyfriend material. He may constantly reject your advances, beat you up and treat you in a patronisingly sarcastic, sexist way, because he's really handsome. Even if you've dedicated your very life to killing him, and he calls himself an 'animal' and makes constant sexist passes at you before suddenly getting angry at you just for doing your job, you'll fall in love with him and endure all kinds of suffering for him once you realise how handsome he is. In fact, he's so handsome, the way to prevent yourself from being horribly emotionally traumatised during a rape is to pretend the rapist is him, because it'll make it feel good. Remember this for your future relationships, girls.
Getting therapy for PTSD does not work. Adjusting to a peaceful, calm, idyllic life will not work, however long you spend living that way. The only way to cure PTSD is by reliving a distorted version of the very events that caused it in the first place, from the electric floors and the hostage rescue to the barehanded murder of a family member and a pure-hearted girl soldier who dresses as a guard and gets shot down before your eyes.
Metal Gear Solid 4: Don't try to change the world. You'll only make it worse. As long as you do what you're told, everything will work out alright, even if you're obeying the commands of profoundly evil interests, because your actions help preserve the status quo.
You can't leave your sins to the next generation, but the only person who can save you is your little daughter.
Children can never be happy if their parents are both men. If you refuse to bring in a woman to act as a role model, she'll never learn how to cook and clean and be pretty and like flowers, like all girls want to do.
Abandoning your best friend and ideals to fall in love with a woman you've known for about two hours is admirable. No matter how neglectful you are to your friend, he loves you enough to forgive you whatever, so you may as well take the gamble. You can always go back to him at the end and he'll welcome you with open arms.
All the problems in the world can be solved by abusing old people.
The only women who are good women are wives, mothers, children or dead women. Anything feminine - it doesn't even have to be a woman, just look like one - which is not a wife, a mother, a child or dead is either an unstoppable killing machine, an unstoppable killing machine whose mind is full only of thoughts of sex with you, incompetent, a harpy, or out to betray you. This even applies to feminine things who are mothers, but not acting like them; children, but not acting like them; not married yet; marked, but not actually dead yet, etc. Marrying, having children, behaving like a child or dying automatically makes a woman good, though, no matter what she was like before.
Gun control is an evil plot!
Metroid: Creatures with physiologies suited to killing others are bad. Stick to killing each other with advanced technology instead.
Minecraft: The world and everything in it exists for your own self-gratification. Anything that keeps you from imposing your own vision on the world must be destroyed, and can probably be harvested for additional resources.
Modern Warfare: The US army fails at everything they do, so when danger arises, don't call the US army, call two British soldiers to solve all of your problems.
Morrowind- It's okay to run around stark naked as long as you have even a belt on. No one will notice anything.
Don't try to be heroic, because you will only screw people over.
If you've killed someone and feel bad about it, the rational solution is to kill them again.
If you've lived four thousand years and still can't get any, solve this problem by creating female clones of yourself and sleep with them instead.
Recruiting people by trying to murder them is a logical idea.
N to S
Nancy Drew: Stealing and breaking into people' rooms is perfectly fine, but God help you if you pick up an endangered animal!
Actually, everything will kill you. Don't ever go outside again.
Ninja Gaiden series in general: Real ninjas don't do pussy things like hide in the shadows, get close to their target, and assassinate him/her before they even know of the ninja's presence. No, real ninjas rush forward in plain sight with sword drawn against everything from several mooks with guns to a gigantic Archfiend.
No More Heroes: Bored? Nothing to do except watch porn all day? Why just get online and ebay yourself a nice Beam Katana and start hacking and slashing and strawberry shortcaking people until you find the person that killed your parents.
No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle: Just come back to town and feeling real pissed because your only friend just got killed? Don't call the cops, whip out the old katana and go after the head of a massive company. Oh, and turning into a tiger is a-okay!
Oblivion ~ Quest: Paranoia...If you are a loner, you clearly are a paranoid nutcase who thinks there's this conspiracy by everyone else in the town to kill you.
Alternately, if you believe that someone it trying to kill you, the logical response is not to report it to the local guards, but to seek out and pester that mysterious newcomer decked head-to-toe in heavy Daedric armor and carrying a greatsword with a soul trap enchantment. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
Alternatively, if you see a large wolf coming at you, don't run for cover or try to defend yourself. Instead, talk to it and pet its head because it's certainly not going to bite you.
Feeding random wild animals will make them worship you.
It is better to be eaten alive than to fish. At least that way you're doing something exciting.
Everyone sends their pets to do the shopping, right? So as long as it manages to pay then it's totally cool to let doggies run off with your colossal swords and holy demon-smiting artefacts. It knows what it's doing with them.
Parasite Eve: Fear Your Body. Especially if you're young, attractive, and/or female. If an animal looks unusual or unhealthy, don't contact the authorities—shoot it before it causes you to spontaneously combust. Also, don't go to the opera. You will be set on fire.
Persona: So long as one person in your town wants to be a god, you don't deserve to be happy and live in a perfect world.
Persona 3: If you are a guy you cannot be just friends with a girl. It has to go somewhere. Having more than one female friend is the same as adultery. But don't worry, they probably won't figure it out, and if they do, all it takes is few well-chosen words and they'll come running back like nothing happened.
It's perfectly okay to build up a woman's trust and then move on to someone else after she sleeps with you as long as you can deny it ever happened.
You know who is a good person to date? That crazy girl who tried to off all your friends. It is okay, she's just a bit confused.
It's also okay to sleep with the creepy woman who runs the card shop, even if you already have a girlfriend. She won't mind.
If you don't know which of your girlfriends to go with, just pick the one who slaughtered your parents and sealed a Cosmic Horror inside you. Best choice every time.
Lectures by occult obsessed substitute teachers provided are more important to your life than knowledge math, language and history lessons.
All history teachers are obsessed about their favorite time period. Also, your normal teacher is so into you.
You are the only one who can love. However, you do get everyone, so it ain't that bad.
The only way to solve your problems is to shoot yourself in the head.
If you aren't enjoying every moment of your life, you're a horrible person and you deserve to die along with the rest of humanity.
Persona 4: The ignorant masses don't know what they want. Even if god like creatures are willing to fufill the desires of humanity and create a utopia that people wish for you can't let them. After all, a select group of people with special powers get to decide the fate of humanity. No matter what people actually want.
Only happens once in the whole story, but the game's overarching message of "don't lie to yourself, embrace who you really are" is twisted because Adachi is completely in-sync with his inner self and has no reason to change it. The problem being that his inner self is a psychopathic murderer who enjoys making others suffer. So really the message is more of "don't lie to yourself and work to accept everything that makes you you, unless of course the other side happens to be evil"?
The entire game is warped if you've played the Persona 2 duology. Again, the message of this game is embracing who you really are and searching for the truth. If Tatsuya or Maya remember the truth about the world being rewritten (into the current world that all Persona games after Innocent Sin take place in), Nyarlathotep will come back into existence and destroy all creation, because this time Philemon isn't powerful enough to stop create a backup universe again. So in reality, staying blind to the truth is the only thing keeping the universe safe from total annihilation.
Phantasy Star Universe: If you want to become a GUARDIAN to protect the universe, be prepared to abandon your friends for the common good. If you want to be most efficient in protecting the universe, become a Rogue.
Worried that all that violence will damage the fragile minds of your rag-tag party? Fret no more! Your creatures grow ''happier'' for every foe they down! So patch up those wounds, beat up a few more bikers or school boys, and you and your Pokemon will be chums in no time.
If you need to breed an animal (any animal at all!), don't go out of your way to capture one of its own kind. No, instead, procure a Ditto. And then fling the poor hapless pink blob into the pen with an animal of your choosing. Once they've finished their business, you can set Ditto up with another creature. And another. And another ...
The real Aesop? It's really, really, really awesome to be Ditto.
All the problems with incest are just a bunch of old wives' tales. Any Pokémon can breed over and over with its own descendents, ascendents, siblings, and cousins and the offspring will have the same chances of being strong or weak as any other member of its species. In fact, the opposite can be true. Breeding Pokémon with high IV's (usually ones that result from the same parents) will increase the odds of getting a Pokémon with even higher IV's. In other words: Are you athletic and smart? Is your sibling of the opposite gender also athletic and smart? Then do human evolution a favor.
For hardcore players: If you are not innately strong or have the wrong nature, you are a worthless being and your only purpose in life is prostitution to produce an ideal being. Or as a slave forced to perform the same tedious tasks every day because your pimp master can't be bothered to find a boat/machete/airport.
Even if you're inherently strong, your sole purpose in life is to beat others of your kind to deathfainting.
You could always take up time-travelling if you haven't the stomach for eugenics programs.
Having your father die is the only way to grow up.
Every woman you meet will either try to kill you, or cause you great amounts of emotional distress, sometimes both.
Prince of Persia: Warrior Within: The solution to being chased by a monster because you messed with time? Mess even more with time. If that doesn't work, mess even more with it. And if that still doesn't work, just kill the monster, what you could have done from the start, had you had the right weapon.
Prototype: Don't just pick on elite army brigades and zombies, eat them too! You'll get superpowers.
Psychonauts: The guy who's hurting children for his own personal gain really has some sort of Freudian Excuse, and attacking him will teach him the errors of his ways. The guy he's working with for it, though? You don't know his backstory, and therefor can just assume he deserves to die. No one likes dentists, anyway.
Red Dead Redemption It's okay to tell your troubled child that he lives in a dream world, that he reads too many books, etc. After all, its not like he's trying to find an escape from the real world of being a son of a former outlaw. This will, in no way, cause him to have serious resentments against you in the future and have serious emotional problems which will eventually drive him to borderline depression and become a gunslinger, which was the very thing you were trying to help him avoid in the first place.
It's more than perfectly okay to threaten the people trying to help you, describing all the gruesome ways you could murder them dead...all because they annoyed you. This goes from the eccentric conman and his pals, to the marshal's deputies, up to the rebel leader who's leading the Mexican Revolution! However they'll all look pass this in their eternal, undying wish to serve you because you're just that important.
Resident Evil: Code: Veronica: Apparently, you're supposed to insult someone because of symptoms of their mental disorder, not the fact that they're a sadistic bastard who has repeatedly tried to kill you. (Claire insulting Alfred about being a cross-dresser, despite how he has multiple personalities and one personality is female, so he would dress as a woman because of the disorder.)
Rift: If you're religious, you're a ludditezealot. If you're not, you're going against the will of the Divine. Also, if it's from another world, it's probably in league with Eldritch Abominations.
Rune Factory: The past is of no use to an Amnesiac Hero. If you know someone who knows who you were, don't bother asking (Rune Factory 1). If the one responsible offers to restore your lost memories, decline (RF3). Your current happy life is more than enough. Anyone from your past who loves and misses you? Eff 'em!
RF2: If you actually remember you past, don't tell anyone. Just run off and disappear for years - it'll be a growth experience for you kid.
Runescape: Lumberjacks have the easiest job in the world.
Don't feed coal to dragons. It's bad for the environment.
If you are a Christian, Jew or Muslim, you're basically following an evil cult, given that your god is the most ruthless tyrant the universe has ever seen.
No matter what choice you take, it is the WRONG choice and you are TERRIBLE for taking it.
Shin Megami Tensei III: Nocturne: The fate of the world is not in your hands. It's in the hands of all the different factions trying to manipulate you into thinking that it is.
If teaching makes you feel insecure, go ahead and destroy the world. Your students will clean up the mess (or have some fun with it) and you'll feel better about yourself!
Humans Are Bastards and don't deserve the Earth as it is, so trading away your humanity to become the baddest demon there ever was and destroying the world is the best course of action.
Silent Hill 2: It's okay to kill your wife if she won't have sex with you. You might even get a stripperized version of her when she's dead!
Who mentioned sex? More like the the best approach to an approaching bereavement is to accelerate it with judicious use of a pillow and then resurrect a death cult in the hope of bringing her back!
Silent Hill 3: A world without hunger, war or sickness would be incredibly boring and you're a castrated sheep if you think it would be better that way.
And ladies, if a middle aged man you've never seen before in your life shows up claiming to be a detective who's been hired to look for you, don't try and get away from him. Things will go downhill for you REAL quickly.
Chase a guy around in a hopelessly creepy fashion, and he'll start to be touched by your gestures of affection and fall for you in return.
If you don't go along with your team's plan that will most likely leads to failure, you're wrong for thinking a better idea and you deserve to be belittled by said team.
It's better for you to be used as a pasty for your friends than to come up with well-thought plans.
Hey 8-11 year old girls with depression (it's more common than one would think), It's a perfectly good idea to traumatize a boy you have a crush on; by forcing them to kill you by making sure all other options are gone.
Tales of Graces: Easily forgive the bad guy (who, as a part of his routine, has possessed your best friend and has tried to kill you and your other friends while using your friend as a voluntary puppet) and he'll stop his reign of terror.
Tales of the Abyss: Trusting a man you've known all your life over a group of strangers who you have very good reasons not to trust makes you an unforgivable Jerkass.
Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of the New World: If you don't stand up for yourself against those who hate you, you are worthless. If you do stand up for yourself, they will kill you and those you love. Thus, your only hope is to be stronger than everyone else.
The original, and the Sequel: Everything you do is worthless, from saving the soul of your Love Interest to getting rid of the Big Bad, because no matter what you did, you didn't make anything any better, in fact, you may have made it worse.
Tomb Raider 1 and Anniversary: It's okay to kill the woman trying to save her people from extinction (AND destroy all of her work!) if she tried to kill you while trying to do so.
Tomb Raider 2: If the prophecy states that a door must be opened with a certain artifact, then go ahead and travel all over the globe to find it. Don't just...you know...put another object the same size into the keyhole, or try to destroy that fragile, hollow, wooden door.
Tsukihime: The only important thing in the world is which girl you decide to pursue.
Also it's perfectly fine to have sex with your sister as long as you're not technically related.
If you see a good-looking girl in the street, stalk her and cut into seventeen pieces. She'll come to like you by the next morning.
You can heal the trauma of a childhood of sexual abuse with your dick.
Lying about what you're going to do to your girlfriend in bed and making her cry while you're doing it is a perfectly valid way of building rapport with her.
Ultima Underworld: The offspring of mixed marriages will be cannibalistic, physically repulsive ghouls.
Valkyria Chronicles: Any form of ambition or individualism is wrong and evil, being promoted to a higher rank in theory stopping your military's We Have Reserves policy is also wrong and evil. Having the power to end a bloody war faster with less deaths on both sides is even more wrong. So just know your place in the pecking order and love it. Also, Hilter was right.
Valkyria Chronicles III: If you're stuck with a shitty job, you can vent your frustration by killing blacksnote The all-Darcssen legion that are all wearing black.en masse. They will even give you medals for that.
Repeated fratricide and blowing up your homeland's capitol is fine if that means you'll get even with your nemesis.
Accepting strange trinkets from a complete stranger is fine, they will come in handy latter.
Alternately, it doesn't matter HOW Crazy Awesome the afterlife is, or how much of a Crapsack World you live in, ANYONE who would choose the afterlife over normal, mortal life is a horrible, horrible person.
The World Ends with You: You're better off on your own. Partners will just stand there and get your mutual HP eaten up.
Or you can Take a Third Option, which is to trust in your friends, where trust is defined as "tell them how to do everything".
When the evil god tells you that you were an Unwitting Pawn in his scheme to destroy your hometown and everyone in it (including you), and you have a chance to stop his plans, don't do it. If you do, you're a selfish jerk and you only care about yourself.
Heroes kill everything in sight, then they do it again and again.
Rather than just giving the heroes who've saved the world dozens of times over the things they need to keep saving the world, you should instead make them perform menial tasks like gathering chickens every single day until you decide you like them enough.
Every building, bridge, road, and other piece of infrastructure is fully capable of supporting the weight of full grown mammoths, dragons, helicopters, etc.
If you and your friends kill a wanted criminal in order to take his head back for the bounty, make sure to check his pockets, as he's likely carrying extra heads so everyone can cash in.
A pebble and a full-sized two-handed battle axe take up exactly the same amount of space in a backpack.
Casual acts of genocide against defenceless villages are not only acceptable and not only profitable but also make people like you more.
Isolating your nation is best for your people, inviting anyone into your country means inviting all sorts of trouble.
If your leader is clearly a warmongering jerk then he makes a good commander in a never ending war.
Xenoblade: Gods are a really terrible concept, and everyone should just give up on theism if they want society to progress in a meaningful fashion.
Xenosaga: If you are Christian, believe in any part of the Bible, or even like to quote the Bible, you are automatically evil and beyond redemption. Likewise, if none of that applies to you, you're one of the good guys unless you're already insane.
No matter how insanely tragic your past is, you are not allowed to ever angst over it. If you do, you'll unleash an entire race of nasties upon the galaxy.
Yggdra Union: Women favor linear formations, men prefer to flank.
Genocide is always an a-OK solution to continental strife if you decide you feel bad about it later, and diplomacy is ridiculous—unless you're going up against someone with a bigger stick than you, in which case you had better hop to when they order it.
Yume Nikki: Playing with lightswitches is fun! aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAああああああああああ
Super Mario Bros., Mega Man, Sonic the Hedgehog... let's just say "any ongoing video game series with a recurring villain": The proper way to foil your archenemy's scheme is to kill everyone who works for him, beat him up, and stop his evil plan by force. Yet at no point should you ever consider ending his schemes for good. After all, he's cunning enough to escape any punishment, so nothing short of execution will stop his reign of terror... and killing is wrong. Or impossible. Unless you're killing his Mooks, of course, but who cares about them?
If you kill the recurring villain why would the princess want you when she doesn't need saving any more?
Final Fantasy X, among others: You're going to end up in a relationship with the first girl you get to know. If it becomes apparent that she has no personality, at least compared to someone else you meet who actively likes you back, suck it.
... unless it's Tales of the Abyss, in which case you may Screw Destiny over bigtime. But only after you've overturned the major world religion that serves as an arbitrator between the two world powers that are constantly engaged in brinkmanship and amassed a civilian body count that's significantly higher than the villain's.
Any RPG. Your society is crumbling to pieces? Charge the hero who wants to buy your Magical Items cash. Because everyone will love you for it. "What? He needed the Door Buster Spell to rescue our beloved Princess and you charged him fifty gp? You're awesome."
Just About Every Fighting Game Ever: Muscles are for men. Years of grueling martial arts training and practice will have no visible effect whatsoever on that frail, shapely figure of yours. Oh and 30 is old.
Unless of course you are Chun-Li. In which case your upper body will never change but your legs will become ENORMOUS.
Or Cammy. In which case your muscle development will be spread out slightly better, but only below the waist.
If one fighter is clearly better than all the rest, it's not because of training or skill, it's because the competition is broken and RUINED FOREVER!!!