When people, who are much more experienced and well-educated than you are, offer you ways to ensure your rapid intellectual and cultural development, you should yell at them to fuck off and whine that they just want to control your life. It's not immature at all.
Remember kids, openly and violently opposing your goverment is called treason and incitement to civil war ''only' if the government is "good". Once you feel it doesn't cater to your arbitary and dupable moral believes anymore, your subversive actions classify as a "rebellion" and are perfectly legitimate. It's just as fine to pronounce some tactic improper (like involving a huge alien fleet in said showdown with your goverment or sending people on suicide missions) but then stoop to it without a second thought when you sorta really need it. Of course you should take care to make the pronouncement as loud and public as possible and reserve the actual authorization of the trick to your inner circle.
It's perfectly acceptable to have your ships strafe the headquarters of a world's government just as you offer them the chance to join an inter-governmental organization which will severely limit their sovereign rights.
Trying to cooperate with other cultures will bring demonic monsters upon you.
Diplomats should personally conduct dangerous missions.
All fat people are secretly in league with the dark forces.
Being a faithful servant to an idealistic princess makes you do penance for the rest of your life. Being the faithful servant of a Sleazy Politician however, will make you Emperor.
Democratic governments are obviously inferior to culturally hidebound, caste-ridden, oligarchies. They prove this by such wicked and foolish policies as setting up an organization for the twofold purpose of protecting their citizen's privacy and encouraging gifted children, by being wary of foreign threats, and avoiding being drawn into conflict, and especially by seeking technological assistance from another nation. By contrast, it is obvious that the only moral and sane policy is to wage a gigantic war of extermination against a foreign culture for the crimes of having a strange appearance, a strange philosophy and the unusual custom of asking others what they want. This political position is in fact so obvious that any disagreement causes it to become morally imperative to make oneself a military dictator with the support of the Gunboat Diplomacy of a foreign power.
Series/Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Want to be a strong female? Great! Just remember that your life is going to really, really suck!
And also remember that "a strong female" is to be taken really, really literally. Ideally you need a level of physical strength completely unavailable to any actual woman to have a hope.
Abuse your boyfriend! It's perfectly ok, because he's evil! (Charmed is guilty of this one too)
But if he hits you, he's a monster and must be destroyed, no matter how many times you've broken his bones.
Oh, and don't fall in love with anyone - they'll either die, or turn evil and try to kill you, or you'll have to break up for some other convoluted reason. Either way, love only ends up in misery and general suckiness. But, at least when you mope around you'll get a montage complete with a wangsty rock song to accompany it.
If one human being is responsible for the death of another human being - even if only accidentally during a heated battle - then that person must forever be considered a murderer and be held to account for their actions... UNLESS that person is absorbing dark magic and about to destroy the world or a vampire dating the Slayer, in which case it's no biggie.
Being an attractive blond with super powers absolutely sucks. If this ever happens to you, whine and mope about it as much as possible.
Saving the world and protecting humanity from terrors from the night is best left to the Chosen One. Having military training, as well as the resources and manpower to deal with threats across the world just makes you corrupt and incompetent. Just leave it to the high school students and their single location.
Underage girls having sex with far older men (dead or alive) is awesome. Just don't let them drink, beer is liquid evil!
BEER IS FOAMY! Also, FIRE BAD, TREE PRETTY.
Necrophilia is awesome. (See Twilight for more details.)
Okay, so you've tried to kill your friends a few more times than is kosher, and they may or may not be involved with various forms of demonism and dark arts that could have destroyed the world, but, hey, at least you'll have something interesting to tell your therapist about, and, in the end, isn't that what true friendship is all about?
No matter how many innocent people you have tortured and killed in the past it is OK if you now genuinely feel bad about it.
Just because someone has been abandoned countless times and is going into a tailspin doesn't mean you should stop wangsting about your life, even if you have friends who care about you and someone who loves you, which is more than many people have, and pay attention to the person. In fact, you should get angry about them going into a tailspin while you put your own life into a tailspin, even if their life is much worse than your own.
Killing people who have killed multiple people, tried to kill others including multiple attempts on your best friend, raped at least one person and is a general threat to every decent person is wrong. Despite the fact that you've killed other bad guys before and laughed about it.
From Season 8 we have: Going off to have sex with a guy who lost his soul last time you fucked him is a good idea. Wait a minute, I didn't twist that at all.
So, you're sexually attracted to somebody with a history of criminal violence and murder and who, in his last relationship, thought torture and rape was a good way to rekindle the romance. Also, you don't love them and aren't even willing to concede that they are a person. It's a wonderful idea to get involved in a sexual relationship where the two of you continually pretend to rape one another. But if he almost rapes you (and stops when he realises you are so into it), then that near-rape is the only messed-up part of the scenario. Also, in these situations, the best way to end the relationship is to go to their house late at night and, rather than let them down gently, give a speech designed to humiliate them.
And if your boyfriends' happen to occasionally go on murder sprees that's ok, too, because you love them (or at least want their bodies) and at other times they mean well. Or look great in leather.
Killing as many members of races you don't like as you possibly can is fine, as long as they really look different from you. Killing your own race is evil evil evil. Even if the member of your race is a murderer and the member of the other race is a newborn.
Non-super-powered people should never ever be entrusted with protecting themselves from supernatural evils. Even if an organisation they form for that purpose does reasonably well, it just not going to work - it will most likely have some idiotic ulterior motive (most likely trying to harness the monsters it's supposed to fight) which will inevitably backfire, leaving the Chosen One to clean up the mess, which the foolish Muggles should've left to her in the first place. Naturally, even one such failed experience is enough to scrap all the efforts and never attempt to learn from the mistakes and retry. In fact it would be better for everyone if the Muggles just learn their role, that of helpless, useless victims, and stick with it. If they're lucky, the Chosen One might need some cannon fodder for the next big fight, and they'll get the chance to die with some meaning.
It goes without saying that any kind of cooperation between the Chosen One and the authorities is out of the question, because the authorities are made of equal parts greedy, amoral bastards who will thing of nothing but exploiting the Chosen One, and bigoted, paranoid, easily dupabale fools who will hate and prosecute the Chosen One for "being different" or "being a menace", or because the villain convinced them black is white and the Chosen One is actually evil.
If a strange man offers you a ride in a stolen vehicle, you should DEFINITELY accept.
Have a problem with aliens? Dinosaurs invading London? Don't fight, don't react, don't do anything - a guy will magically beam in from nowhere, and solve the problem for you. As long as you stayed absolutely still, because regardless of the problem, it was just a miscommunication. One that is all your fault!
And when you eventually decide to maybe learn to handle some situations for yourself and take your fate in your own hands, expect a good chiding from said Knight In Shining Armour. And get your career destroyed for it.
Drowning overgrown spider babies is all well and good, but if your enemy is an evil genius you must go to great pains to keep him alive, despite the fact that each second he spends breathing is another opportunity for him to kill innocent people.
Enemies who want to obliterate every single living thing must be cherished and protected, but enemies that want to make every single living thing exactly like them can be tortured to death (or forced to commit suicide; your choice).
Destroying a deadly enemy who have just proven their word is worthless is wrong; therefore, your entire country should be denied a golden age as punishment.
Conversely, someone who has engaged in a vicious and insane war of genocide, brought untold suffering and misery to the entire world and demonstrates not a single ounce of regret or penitence for his actions should be forgiven immediately — no questions asked.
Guns are evil - but any device operated by buttons or levers that kills stuff is fine. And in fact things that behave exactly like guns are also fine so long as they're not actually called guns.
Turn Left gives us "Obey your parents, and the universe will come to an end."
Mothers are evil! If they aren't emotionally blackmailing you to make you dependent on them, they're hitting on your time-travelling boyfriends. Frankly, families in general should be abolished. They just make you want to destroy the Earth so that your relatives can profit (Slitheen), or your babies can eat the corpses (Racnoss).
Professional soldiers are bad people and not be trusted. Species-murdering, emotionally unstable strangers are okay, though.
Unless the professional soldiers are led by a British man with a mustache and a relatively upmarket name like, say, Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart.
If someone in odd, garish clothes turns up and starts spouting meaningless gibberish, don't worry—they're a time-traveling alien genius, not an escapee from the local mental health ward!
And if you don't believe everything he says and immediately ally yourself with him, then you're a mundane person with no imagination, doomed to a dull life free of adventure. If you live.
"I can't help it, it's my nature" is a completely unacceptable excuse for selfish, intolerant, cruel or otherwise repugnant behavior. Unless, of course, you happen to be a 1000-year-old supergenius.
Constantly changing your moral stance on killing others doesn't make you dangerous or mentally unstable—it makes you a hero!
Don't worry about abandoning those who care about and depend on you; they'll get over it, eventually. And even if they don't, you'll forget about them in a few years, anyway.
Unintentionally inspiring others to commit suicide for you is the same as creating a race of nihilistic, merciless cyborgs to erase everything from existence.
Your partner IS more important then the rest of the universe and anyone who says differently should be punched in the face.
Do not live in London.
Killing your loved one can result in marriage.
If an alternate universe is in danger, do not try to save it. Your universe is the only one that counts.
If you live with a terrible truth that you can't face, imagine yourself being normal and it'll go away. Also applies to Community.
If someone who has seen every inch of the universe and has an innate understanding of how time and space work tells you that a particular action is a really bad idea, you should do it anyway. Especially if you've done something similar before and nearly got the whole world eaten in the process.
Nothing good ever happens on Christmas.
Forget about your old friends. You're going to meet new people, so why contact past acquaintances.
It is perfectly okay for detectives who have intense personal reasons to get emotionally involved in highly emotive and complex cases involving rape and other forms of sexual assault, violence or perversion to be assigned to investigate these cases. If their intense personal involvement causes them to make errors in judgement or exercise undue force against a suspect, it's okay because they're perverts and have it coming.
Better yet, virtually anything is morally acceptable if it will lead to the arrest of a pervert. Or a suspected pervert.
The episode "Clock": There Should Be a Law against adults with medical conditions that make them look younger than they are having sex. Because it's just creepy.
The aptitude and ability of a lawyer is directly proportional to how hot she is. Bonus points for glasses.
By the way, everyone is trying to rape you. Kthnxbai.
Except when it turns out that they aren't; they just clearly have other psychological issues. On a related note, if you're apart of police unit that deals specifically with one type of crime, it's okay to dabble outside of your jurisdiction if it initially seems like the type of crime you deal with during the beginning of the investigation.
There's always an excuse that makes female on male abuse and rape okay, justifiable even.
Crimes involving children and crimes involving sex are handled by the same handful of people simply because they're considered "especially heinous."
Summary execution is OK. In The Measure Of A Man, Data was declared to have the full rights of a sentient being. This would mean their deactivation of Lore amounted to murder. Granted he was evil, but he didn't exactly get a trial (and the death penalty wasn't applied anywhere else in the Federation... )
Putting an android you found in someone's basement, with completely unknown programming, who doesn't think like or understand humans, into a command position in a vital military organization always leads to win.
Cultural Contamination must be prevented at all cost, even if the civilization goes extinct through easily averted natural disasters. Every culture must develop along their own path.
A commander of a strategically important outpost who regularly spirals into strange obsessions and is mentally influenced by alien gods is to be left in command.
Genetically engineered people have no rights.
If you're a Klingon, or live with one, you can hack anyone to death, beat your spouse, or have drunken brawls in public every night because it's "part of their culture".
"Field of Fire": Racial profiling works.
If there's a murderer on the loose, don't put the seasoned lawman who's had years of experience solving crimes on the case; instead, send the ditzy, incompetent counselor who is suffering from multiple personality syndrome and who only got her job because her past self was friends with the boss.
The best way to defend a critical planetary outpost is with the badly outfitted crew from a starship. When the crew start getting slaughtered by the enemies most elite ground troops, the best way to reinforce them is to send the crew of your most important space station.
When any mission requires use of the starship attached to the station, it's okay if the station commander (who is also Emmissary to the Prophets), the 2nd in command Bajoran/Starfleet liason, the chief science officer (who is apparently the 3rd in command), the chief medical officer, the security chief, the strategic operations/fleet liason officer and the chief engineer/senior NCO to all leave the station.
If anything goes wrong back on the station, then surely...uh, who's left? Oh yeah, QUARK can save the day!
If you're nice and caring enough, you can change torturers into good guys with the force of your love.
Principles are only for people who are being watched.
Whatever principles you do have should be blindly followed even if they're wrong. Don't question the Prime Fucking Directive! (Even if it gets your crew, half of whom don't even follow it, killed.)
We're better than these colonialist, imperialist, war-mongering, capitalist, nuke-happy savages we're trotting around the galaxy to look down our noses on. We'll remind everyone of that fact EVERY FUCKING EPISODE.
Dating the producer gets your character the most focus and character development. Also, the hottest chick in the cast must wear skintight spandex and six-inch heels all the time no matter how impractical (a lesson carried over to Enterprise)
Consistency is for peons. If you're the captain, you can decide whether or not you're going to uphold the Prime Directive that day based on whatever whim takes you, and no one will dare call you on it.
And if they do, you can (and should) just shout them down.
If your Captain locks herself in her quarters for months at a time, that's just an indication of what a great leader she is.
Star Trek: Enterprise: Commanding a starship will cause even the most likable of people to have outbreaks of jackassery and periodically grab hold of the Idiot Ball.
Having sex with someone you're counseling through the grief of a loved one is perfectly ethical, and will lead to a long-term relationship.
The 2009 film: It's OK to manipulate people into being friends if it was important in a now-defunct universe.
And fathers exert absolutely no influence by raising children. If you take a great hero, go back to shortly after his birth and kill his father leaving him a half-orphan, he will grow up to be exactly the same hero he was in the original timeline.
Except with more lens flare.
Familial attachment will involve either unhealthy obsession that subsumes all other emotional connections, or severing all ties. There is no middle ground.
Only psychologically unbalanced people ever really care about helping others.
The best way to dealing with your crippling psychological problems is to project them onto loved ones, drink copious amounts of alcohol, and flirt with suicide constantly.
If you make a stupid bargain, you can get out of it with a new, inventive types of violence —if not, somebody will come rescue you.
If that somebody happens to be a member of your own sex and acts like s/he is romantically interested in you, and you profess to be straight, there's absolutely nothing wrong with stringing him/her along . You will probably be able to convince them to do virtually anything you ask them to, happily sacrifice their own well-being for yours and happily act as surrogate for any ailing or absent personal relationships you might have. That is, until you can find somebody more suitable or until they can find a way to deal with the terrible restrictions your relationship has placed on them, and escape to their old life. There's nothing manipulative or unhealthy about any of this.
Girls and women are boring and whiney. Watching them get involved in relationships ( especially heterosexual relationships) is just gross. And homosexual relationships between men should play out in a ways that mirror the heterosexual relationship dynamic, in ways most likely to turn girls and women on.
If a good friend of yours happens to be a member of a different race/species, then it's totally acceptable to continuously insult that race/species in front of him/her, because it's not like s/he's people. And if they happen to get involved in a hazardous and difficult situation (for instance, a civil war) which only involves their race/species, then it's wrong of them not to want to drop everything to come help you. Can't they see that members of your group are more important?
Violence is an excellent way to resolve your issues in your interpersonal relationships, particularly if you combine it with alcohol - preferably a liquor store's worth. But if you happen to be in a relationship, the girl ( or surrogate girl) should be the one throwing punches. Otherwise it would just be abusive.
It's totally okay for you to do bad things, but if your brother or your best friend in all the world does bad things, you should immediately come down on them like a thunderbolt. It won't damage your relationship at all—your brother is convinced he needs you, and your best friend is probably in love with you, so they'll come back in the end.
If you're in love with someone, never, ever tell him. Just put aside all of your own needs so that you can be constantly available, give up your home and family for him, take up his political affiliations, and wait on him with quiet faith. Someday, just maybe, you'll be more important to him than his machismo, but until then you can subsist on the crumbs of affection and openness that he deigns to throw your way. After all, it's not his fault he withers at the mere thought of tender emotions, and he certainly can't be expected to treat you with any sort of respect. He has other, more important things on his mind than you.
24: it doesn't matter who it looks like the bad guy is; it's always someone American, probably a bigwig in a corporation. So leave those damn terrorists and their constant chants of Death To America alone!
If terrorists steal a nuclear bomb and threaten a city with millions unless one person is turned over to them, anyone who considers sacrificing one to potentially save millions is a traitor and is dead wrong, with absolutely no discussion. The real heroes are the ones who would rather see New York a smoking crater than sacrifice a controversial political figure (even when said political figure is willing to sacrifice himself) and muck up a Peace Treaty.
If you actually do give the above terrorists what they want, they'll keep their end of the bargain and return the nuclear bomb they stole.
Disobeying the president and going rogue to potentially save millions of lives? NEVER! Disobeying the president and going rogue to avenge a killed girlfriend? HELL YEAH!!!
If, against all logic and reason that exists in the universe, torture actually doesn't work, the next logical step is to literally tear the guy open and search his internal organs for what you want!!!
30 Rock: If you aren't a star, you never will be, even if you did write a successful book giving relationship advice. That's because it's impossible to transition from comedy writer to star, even if the actress playing you did just that in Real Life.
Also, after a point, you really should just settle.
Stuff happens that it is out of your control. This is why should you shouldn't bother to control your destiny at all.
Putting your audience at risk with hallucinogenic gas is justified to save your show. Even if this would just result in alienating and confusing the audience watching at home.
If your show is in danger of getting stale, just exploit a washed up film star's mental illness.
Adventures in Wonderland: The episode "Rip Roaring Rabbit Adventures": NEVER look for excitement or adventure in your own lives, always get it from a BOOK instead!
"Christmas in Wonderland": If you just wish hard enough you can make it snow anywhere, even in the Sahara.
Christmas is celebrated everywhere, even in bizarre fantasy worlds that should have no idea what Christianity even is.
American Idol, Judge Judy and pretty much Every live action TV show with a rude or highly abrasive host: ALL Hollywood celebrities are secretly JerkAsses whom will All secretly made extremely rude and snide comments about you behind your back only seconds after meeting you, this makes them untrustworthy. However if these same people make the same comments Loudly and directly to your face then this makes them very trustworthy no matter what their opinions are, they are always saying the Absolute Truth regardless of whether you like their opinions or not.
Angel: Guilt trumps all other emotions, even love. Also, if you are ever completely happy, even for a moment, something is deeply wrong and the world is going to end. So you should brood a lot.
Battlestar Galactica: Nothing is more lovable than genocidal robots. Anyone that doesn't want to get along with the cute androids that nuked their families is evil.
Battlestar Galactica: The Finale: Technology invariably leads to robot rebellion. Even when you're a robot yourself. Best to stay in the stone age.
Cylons are really people. But using all-or-nothing methods to stop them would make you just like a Cylon. But then wouldn't that make you a person, or does that make you a more machine-like Cylon than the Cylons themselves, or huurk..ghhhch... BOOM.
Thrashing each other black and blue is a sign of equality in a relationship.
You can get away with murder (sometimes literally, and on a mass scale) if
A. You are an authority figure.
B. You are related to or favored by an authority figure.
C. God made you do it.
Bewitched: Of course you should stay married to the woman who hid her true eternal nature from you, who refers to you, your family, your friends and everyone you have ever known as 'mortals', who can literally vaporise you and wipe all memory of your existence from the universe, and whose family members are all jaded, warped, amoral eternals who uniformly think your are less than human. What could go wrong?
Also, your husband wants you to stop doing magic, this essential part of your identity. That's cool! You'd rather just be some guy's wife than a powerful witch anyway.
If your husband's appearance, voice, and mannerisms drastically change - it's okay! Don't worry about it, there must be a perfectly reasonable explanation that doesn't involve him dying and being replaced by powers beyond your understanding.
The Big Bang Theory: When your grown friend starts having a breakdown because your fighting is reminding him of a traumatic childhood, it is HILARIOUS, and you should just buy him a toy.
Falsifying scientific data to get desired results is OK if it gets your obnoxious colleague to shut up.
If someone is arrogant and demanding, you should let them have their way. Because that isn't reinforcing negative behavior at all.
The most brilliant scientific minds of any generations will inevitably be Hollywood Nerds who collect comic books and act shy around girls.
It's okay to breech national security if it helps you get a date. If someone finds out, you'll just get a slap on the wrist.
Hilarity will always Ensue.
As long as you're a superiorly intelligent guy, it is perfectly acceptable and understandable to be a contemptuous, gloating cross between a Spoiled Brat and an Insufferable Genius. Your entourage should just deal with it.
Is your friend going through a bad breakup? Hire a Las Vegas prostitute for him, and he'll be better in no time!
Breaking Bad: Feel free to get rid of that midlife crisis by cooking Meth on the side; If your wife starts to ask what's going on, she's the biggest bitch in the universe.
Powerful drug dealers and hardened gang members have no freaking idea what they're doing, even a high school chemistry teacher can best them with home made explosives, poison gases and some select sucker punches. For Science!!
When you inevitably kill / screw over / piss off someone important, someone even more powerful will have wanted them dead anyway.
Even if it means massive property damage, kidnapping, lying to police, and more, it's totally okay because they're criminals who need to be put behind bars.
Large amounts of military grade equipment are always available for those out of favor with the government.
Miami has lots of sexy girls and violent explosions.
Well, they don't tend to be the same parts of Miami, but this one is actually pretty accurate.
Charmed: Redemption is not possible. If you are evil, don't ever try to be good.
Some people are intrinsically good and some are always bad. Just because someone has sacrificed themselves for the sake of good multiple times does not mean they should be treated with any respect.
Disobeying those who might actually know what they are doing is okay because you are right.
Do whatever it takes to save the one you love, even if you have to steal your friend's soul to do it.
Treating the cast and crew like human flotsam will cause you to be replaced by Rose McGowan. And then Tracy Morgan. (Wait, this is dangerously close to a real aesop...)
Community: If you fake your degree, you will remain undetected for years and become a rich professional, rich enough to coast for five straight years apparently without a job. Once you are discovered and have to go Back to School, you will meet/create True Companions who will help you with all your problems. Also, Paintball wars.
Hurrying to get a pizza may kill your friend.
Singing in a club/school play is evil!
Why go to a fancy Ivy League school when you can go to some hole in the wall community college? They have paintball tournaments and reenact famous movies!
Don't go to a community college. You'll end up a distorted parody of yourself, and you'll never achieve functional adulthood.
''Criminal Minds: Nobody who is a serious suspect for rape or child molestation is ever innocent. It doesn't matter if all the person accusing them has is a feeling — that feeling will be spot-on. It doesn't matter if the person accusing them takes it upon herself to kidnap and torture the guy based on nothing but a feeling — it's okay, because that feeling will inevitably turn out to be right. And if your suspect is innocent, that doesn't mean that he isn't a rapist or child molester — it just means that you haven't found his victims yet. You will. Also, a woman who loves a criminal and refuses to turn on him, no matter how good her reason is for refusing, is hiding the fact that she's a criminal herself.
Damages: Legal ethics are for losers. Only by kicking morals to the curb will you be a successful attorney.
Dark Angel: Continuing bitching at and beating up on that guy you got off on the wrong foot with, no matter how much he changes. Certainly don't let it occur to you that his daily persona is as much of a mask as your own and that he needs (A) a friend and (B) a therapist. Bonus points if he's identical to your dead psycho brother and you're a girl, because girls are cooler.
There is no problem that cannot be solved by a hot chick kicking ass.
Da Vinci's Inquest: Sarcastic, drunken coroner who wants to legalize drugs = GOOD! Homeless junkies simply looking for a place to shoot up without getting arrested = MISUNDERSTOOD! Stuffy police officers who want to do things by the book = BAD!!!
As Paige proves, getting date raped will totally turn you into a better person.
Desperate Housewives: Women should NEVER, EVER consider getting a job no matter what. Even when they have no child to tend to, even when said children are sufficiently grown up to look after themselves, even if they're bored to death with staying at home doing nothing. No, they should all just engage in gossiping, being petty bitches to one another and cheat on their husbands while he's away to kill the time. That's actually more useful and purposeful than engaging in an activity that would benefit the community.
Additionally, White homemakers are all more or less Stepford Smilers unable to do womething useful with their lives.
Never have a relation with a redhead. You'd end up dead or in a wheelchair.
Dexter: Killing for fun makes you a monster. Killing other murderers for fun is perfectly justifiable and even somewhat heroic.
Also, you can't fight your destructive urges, so you might as well indulge them as long as the people on the receiving end are worse than you and you don't get caught.
Stealing drugs from evidence locker and framing somebody for a crime that will get them life imprisonment is a noble thing, provided the person you happen to be framing is enough of a Jerkass.
Dollhouse: It's fine to set a guy up to get killed by gangsters and go around punching your coworkers, as long as you're doing it to save a girl that some anonymous person told you is in serious danger. And don't worry about jumping to conclusions, even if you don't have any real evidence, you'll eventually be proven right.
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman: If you are a Hooker with a Heart of Gold who is locked into a contract with the local pimp/womanizer, and you fall in love with the local telegraph jockey, then don't marry him. You will fall out of love with him, because marriage is another prison and you need to be a free, liberated woman.
Is the telegraph jockey on the verge of suicide? Bringing back his estranged ex-wife for a few days—the one that doesn't love him anymore and fled with their child—is a good idea and will probably heal his depression.
Your boyfriend should be at your beck and call at ALL TIMES. If your barn is struck by lightning, and you and your kids still manage to put out the fire, then you are perfectly justified in yelling at your boyfriend for not being there to help you. Especially when he couldn't have possibly known that lightning would strike right when he was out doing something else.
If a progressive female doctor from Boston fights the traditions of a backwater Colorado community in order to improve it, then she is courageous, inspired, and forward-thinking. If a progressive male businessman from Boston does basically the same thing, then he's very bad and probably only in it for the money.
Everybody Loves Raymond: Any action, no matter how cruel and pointlessly over-the-top, is completely acceptable if your husband started it. Or looked like he started it. Or looked like he may be about to start it at some point in the undetermined future.
Never stand up to your parents, even when they're actively ruining your life.
Also never stand up to your wife, even when she's actively ruining your life and physically abusing you. If you ever do get the guts to finally stand up to her, then you are wrong and you deserve to be punished even more.
Faking It: If you fake being a lesbian, your popularity will skyrocket and you'll end up getting the guy you're into.
Farscape: If you and your friends find someone annoying, feel free to hit them whenever they're annoying you. Or when you're just mildly irritated. Or for no reason at all. It's fun!
Father Ted: Being put on an island where you are waiting on hand and foot and your worst problems are a colleague who is mildly confused about issues and another who drinks a lot but is basically harmless is an appropriate punishment for embezzling funds supposed to be used to take suffering children to Lourdes.
Firefly/Serenity: Don't worry, you can make the Knight Templar who's killed thousands of people just to get to one girl see the light with The Truth (TM), just like every Knight Templar in history.
If forcing your views on someone doesn't work, and your rival still believes in the force of his own words, that's okay! You can just force him through your ship's engines. Forcefully.
Being a criminal is just fine, as long as you call yourself a rebel and occasionally return what you stole.
Prostitution is a noble and fully enjoyable profession, with no inherent safety or health risks. Prostitutes are always honorable, insightful, and beautiful, and know kung-fu. Also, if a large, impersonal organisation ( like a trade union) claims it can provide full protection trade unions that have no problem protecting them even when it has limited physical presence and the situation you are placing yourself in seems dangerous, you should totally believe them.
If you make an extremely short-lived show that develops a cult following, you can do no wrong.
Singing in public is neither antisocial nor annoying for anybody in earshot.
Being white and/or heterosexual and/or able-bodied is more important than singing ability in determining who will get the solos from week to week. Because we have to make our routines accessible, guys! (Truer with the guys than with the girls. Rachel is honestly the best singer on the show and probably deserves her frequent solos, and Mercedes does get a lot of time in the sun. But Artie and Kurt can easily sing circles around Finn, yet they've each gotten about 2 solos tops where Finn is singing opposite Rachel in nearly every ensemble number.)
Being raised by gay parents means dance/acting/voice lessons from day one and Barbara Streisand/Liza Minnelli worship. All the stereotypes you've ever heard about gay behaviour are completely true.
Straight guys: If you're nice to the gay kid, he'll fall in love with you. And he'll try to turn you gay as well! So you should probably keep pushing him into lockers and dumpsters, or else!
Evil people are inherently more popular. Also, being unrepentantly, unremittingly villainous and dastardly in pursuing your goals will net you a successful career and a throng of fans as long as you're incredibly snarky or awesome while doing it.
Camp Gay is the only kind of gay allowed. Also, if you're conflicted about your sexual identity, you're evil and there's no hope for you. And having no personality is a good thing.
If you're a bullied gay teenager, never stand up for yourself! When you try to stand up for yourself, it'll just turn your bully into an absolute creeper who's going to give you death threats! Instead, just change schools at the drop of a hat, your new school will be absolutely perfect for you anyway.
And if you're bullied early in life, just change everything about your hideous appearance as well as your name—and then bully others as much as possible. Once the losers find out you were once "one of them," they'll love you.
Asians should only date other Asians, and protect themselves from people of other ethnicities wilt cabal-like zeal. Jews should do the same, until it gets boring.
Abstinence and asexuality are inherently stupid concepts that only the disturbed, naive or people who can't get any believe in. Also applies to Family Guy.
Heroes: If you develop a superpower, your personal life, social life, and/or career will go straight to hell. All personal relationships will be impossible to maintain under any circumstances. And only beautiful people can develop superpowers. Even the ugly people will be attractive. (See also: Buffy).
You too can be brought back to life (if you're pretty and/or white).
The worst crime in the world is being constantly depressed, for which the penalty is death and anything less is an insult to those you bring down with you. Inversely, mass murderers are always appreciated, so long as nobody falls in love with them.
Who's the depressed one?
Everyone at some point, but more specifically Maya.
The future will suck. No matter what anyone does, there's an unspoken Law Of Conservation Of Suck. Suck cannot be created or destroyed. It may change the form of how it will suck, but it will suck.
When your father says you risk getting killed doing something stupid and dangerous, do the stupid dangerous thing. You will save the world.
If you get superpowers, your IQ will drop drastically. Even more if your power is especially awesome.
Hogan's Heroes: If you volunteer for a mission you can expect your country to keep you in uniform and behind enemy lines indefinitely no matter how dangerous or stressful the mission is or how successful you are.
Also, those wacky Nazis own the idiot ball so it doesn't matter how ill-conceived or half-witted your plans may be — you will never be caught.
House: Medical ethics is for wusses. Besides, you can't treat anyone without throwing said ethics out of the window before. No exceptions.
If you're trying to diagnose a patient suffering from a mysterious, potentially life-threatening disease, remember: don't waste your precious time examining the symptoms and analyzing test results. It never works. Instead, go straight to your best friend to gossip about his love life, your coworkers' secrets, your boss' butt or anything else you can come up with. That way, the correct diagnosis is guaranteed to pop right into your head out of nowhere!
Skip the first three diagnoses, the fourth one is going to be right.
Which would make it the first diagnosis. It's better to risk the patient's life with dramatic, highly-visual symptoms until you reach that fourth one.
Ordering major, invasive surgery can be justified by a hunch even if you wind up removing a perfectly healthy organ.
Practicing medicine while under the influence of narcotics is neither illegal nor unethical.
Hippocratic Oath? What's that?
Anyone who is admitted to a hospital (for any reason) will experience catastrophic failure of at least one major organ system within the hour
It's perfectly OK to trip a cripple just as long as he's a jackass.
House of Cards: If someone is spreading scandalous rumours about the administration, they're not a paranoid conspiracy nut, just a poor victim of the Establishment
It is perfectly acceptable for a married man to tell his children all about his sexual history.
As well as that of his womanizing friend (parts of it, anyway) and loads of irrelevant crap that has nothing to do with how he met the mother of his children, because he wants the story to go into syndication.
Also, incredibly hot women in their twenties are the most gullible people on Earth. If you repeat the plot of any well-known movie with yourself as the protagonist, they will not be able to resist the desire to sleep with you. In fact, they're better off if you lie to get her into bed because you've given her the chance to live out her fantasy! And that's Awesome!
Lying to women in order to have one-night stands with them is perfectly fine, as long as you do it in an amusing way.
Sabotaging your best friend's love lives is perfectly fine if your sole piece of evidence is that their girlfriends give off a bitchy vibe. At no point should you ever consider that maybe you're just being paranoid.
Physical attraction=Love, no matter how little you know about them or how often you date hot girls.
Unless you're a flamboyant yuppie, in which case you're incredibly shallow and immature compared to the somewhat boring friend who's sex life is just a few conquests behind your own.
All your relationships will end in tears.
That one person you've been pining for who's going to marry some other guy, flat-out admits she doesn't love you in a romantic sense and was from Day One never ever right for you? Don't give up on her, no matter who you meet or how badly you've been burned before.
On the episode iNevel: You should care about what a random 11-year old reviewer says about your work. And anyone who claims not to like your work really has a crush on you.
The episode where Sam acts girlier. Violence DOES solve problems because at least you're being yourself.
iMeetFred: If you share your opinion and it makes everyone overreact, you're wrong and deserve to be beaten up with a tennis racket.
The episode "iTake on Dingo": If someone is copying your material, you should drive hundreds of miles to confront them and threaten their most valuable possession. Cease and desist letters? Intellectual property lawsuits? What are those?
The Seddie story line: It's perfectly ok to date someone who beats the crap out of you and publicly hummilates you on almost a daily basis for no good reason.
All lesbians are bisexuals deep down and will always need a straight guy in their lives if they want to function properly.
Straight women should all be bisexual. But straight men should never consider exploring this side of sexuality.
Leverage: the government is corrupt and it's totally ok to trust a group of strangers who happen to be career criminals to give you your house, money, property back. You wanna know why? They have a fancy looking office!
Wait, now they operate out of a bar. But that just proves how "of the people" they are!
Life On Mars: It's perfectly acceptable to commit suicide and leave behind your caring, lonely mother just because you want to get back to a fantasy, even though you've spent the last fifteen episodes wanting to get out of said fantasy.
Little Mosque on the Prairie: If you choose to become a devout follower of your religion, then it's perfectly alright to start mouthing-off to your (somewhat lapsed) parents about not being pious enough. Especially if your mother only converted to said religion so that she could marry your father.
LOST, Season 4: You can't run away from your own problems, it only makes things worse. Wait, that's actually a decent lesson. I'll try again: You are now responsible for everyone else's problems, supernatural or mundane, past or present, through no fault of your own, and YOU CANNOT LEAVE. (The Island, that is.)
Building a whole series about an Ontological Mystery and then ending the show with no explanation about what it all means is perfectly fine. (Grits teeth)
So, this is a preemptive Warp That Aesop, then?
Same goes for The Prisoner (though in this case, that was the intended aesop, as the quote at the top of Gainax Ending illustrates).
Magnum, P.I. : Lazy good for nothing wastrels get to live in luxury and have all the girls swarm around them. People who have respectable jobs are boring.
It's perfectly okay (in fact, downright amusing) to sic your rich boss' vicious guard dogs on another person that your boss trusts with all his life, because you think that this trusted person is of a lower social class than you'd prefer.
Misfits: If you are a teenager and you do not have promiscuous sex, drink, and do drugs, then something is wrong with you.
Adorable girls that are obsessed with death make the best detectives.
All Israeli women are ruthless killing machines.
No matter who it looks like the terrorists are, they always turn out to be Israeli agents at the end. So leave those damn terrorists and their constant chants of Death To America alone!
Smacking subordinates on the head is hilarious and endearing!
It's perfectly acceptable to blackmail a female co-worker with a photo of her winning a wet t-shirt contest in her wild college days.
Likewise, if your male co-worker is blackmailing you with a wet t-shirt contest photo from your wild college days, then it's perfectly acceptable to photoshop his face into a gay bondage scene to blackmail him. Don't even bother filing a sexual harassment complaint against him.
Search warrants, sexual harassment complaints, IT specialist, consulting other agencies, therapy, sleep, assistants, lawyers, and professional behavior is for WEAKLINGS!
If you stab the man you thought was responsible for murdering your brother, but it turns out he wasn't the man you thought he was and that you didn't know the full story, forgive him for any part he did have and go home. However, you're under no obligation yourself to apologize for trying to murder him in return.
NCIS: Los Angeles: There is no such thing as a perfectly honest and good agent from another agency who genuinely wants to help. Nope, they're all either bad guys or they've got grudges against the good guys. (No, seriously, I don't think there's been a single episode where someone from another agency has turned up and they haven't turned out to be either the bad guy or having a grudge.)
Power Rangers: Try to prevent a bloody and difficult war and you'll end up killing even more people than the war would have.
Alternatively, it doesn't matter how hard you try, how many allies you have, or how well you think you're doing. You're doomed to fail. Might as well give up now, everyone's going to die, whether you try and save them or not. The most you could do is prolong their suffering, anyway.
Whatever you weapon is (giant robot, blaster, or your power suit), its strongest movement is self-destruction.
Good guys will fight for months, the best they can do is to maintain the Status Quo. On the other hand, the wrath of one monster against another can easily wreck an evil galactic empire in 10 minutes.
Power Rangers S.P.D.: It's bad to discriminate against others for where they come from, but discriminating for them is fine! People who have been bullied all their lives or who have suffered horrible losses are inherently trustworthy, as are freaks and foreigners, but normal natives might turn on you.
No matter how much your teammates insist that teamwork is essentail and that everyone in the group has something to contribute, you're not important unless you wear red. If you do wear red, you're instantly more qualified to lead a team of heroes than anyone else, even if someone else in your team is a former air force officer, martial arts master, a trained police offcier or basically anyone with more experience, expertise, maturity or authority than you.
The Price Is Right: O.K., some of these Warped Aesops come more from Golden Road.net and the Fan Dumb than the actual show itself, but since there's no article on that site yet, and since they're so close to each other:
If your name isn't Bob Barker, Janice Pennington, Johnny Olson, Rod Roddy, Mark Goodson, Bill Todman, Marc Breslow, Paul Alter, or Roger Dobkowitz, you'll never succeed.
When Mark Goodson, Bob Barker, Roger Dobkowitz, Marc Breslow, Paul Alter, or R. Brian DiPirro make a change to the show, it's always good. But when Syd Vinnedge, Mike Richards, Drew Carey, or Bart Eskander make a change, it's always bad.
Drew Carey's 100% justified poor execution of Terry Kniess's perfect bid on December 16, 2008 and the subsequent introduction of Nintendo Hard setups and new prizes to make it harder for the Fan Dumb to memorize everything makes criminal felony harassment of a previously well-liked staffer perfectly justified.
Go ahead and fuck a much-younger model, get sued by that model, and fire everyone who sides with her or that otherwise makes you butthurt. Oh yeah, and while you're at it, go take away a beloved announcer's camera time. As long as you're still a role model on-camera, your fanbase will always forgive you!
Queer as Folk: Gay shows mirror typical female-oriented plots and focus on relationships because the only Periphery Demographic such shows ever have is straight women. Straight men wouldn't ever bother.
A show with a Cast Full of Gay can only be a melodrama, a Rom Com or a slice-of-life thing. Gays don't do things other than getting tangled in their relationships. Yes, much like women.
There are no Manly Gays. Only the wishful thinking of horny teenage homos.
From the BBC's latest version of Robin Hood: If you are a compassionate young woman who wants to help out the outlawed love of your life, a host of suffering peasants and the country that is slowly but surely being run into the ground, then you are not permitted to occasionally flirt with a man involved in the regime in order to gain information that could help aforementioned love, peasants and country. Doing this will make you a manipulative, dirty whore and when the man realizes that you've been playing him and runs you through with his giant phallic symbol sword, it will be entirely your fault. But feel free to look on from heaven whilst your husband starts a relationship with the sister of the man who murdered you.
From the same show: if you whine, sulk, bitch, moan, bicker, snipe and get kidnapped enough times, eventually the guy who you've been fangirling for the last eight episodes will grant you the honor of making out with him. Trying to goad him into leaving his other love interest to a violent death is okay too; he'll still consider you "compassionate."
Women in abusive relationships cannot be trusted; they clearly deserve what they get and after they're driven mad by all the abuse and betrayal that's been heaped upon them, the only way to deal with them is to blow them up. Oh wait...that is the aesop.
Scrubs: Women are selfish, spoiled harpies who can't stand not getting their way with anything, refusing to see their hypocrisy whenever a man calls them out. This goes double for women from the Dominican Republic.
Also, that girl you dated back in '02? Have wacky ex-sex with her a couple times, then lie to yourself and her about your feelings for five years, including several months living alone with her; everything will turn out great!
It's ok to constantly emotionally abuse the woman who is pregnant with your child for one stupid thing she did when she was scared and hormonal because she did it first. Your friends will even help!
Conversely; lying to the farther of your unborn child, about whether or not said unborn child is alive or not, is ok. If he doesn’t instantly forgive you and say that he loves you (even if you’re not sure you’d gotten to that stage in your relationship the first time around) then he’s the one in the wrong and his friends will instantly turn on him to be on your side. How could he be such a bastard to you?
Don't worry if you fail at being a responsible adult; your friends (who secretly can't stand you) will always pity you enough to be there for you. If no one else can be bothered, that is.
Verbal abuse is the best teaching method ever.
And that bully at work who torments you constantly, breaks into your locker, destroys your personal belongings (including your car) and on one occasion drove you to the desert, stripped you naked and left you for dead? Relax! Don't bother reporting him to the boss—he's just having a little fun with you!
Seinfeld: No hugging, no learning. Oh, wait, that is the message.
Don't help your neighbour's struggling business, as you'll only put them out of work.
Sex and the City: Femininity is all about a/ being a self-centred emotional wreck; b/ spending gazillions of cash on shoes, clothes and accessories to compensate for the lack of meaning in one's life and hoarding them as the ultimate trophy of your womanhood; c/ never taking responsibility for anything; d/ never being able to have one's life together without a man around to put that life together for you.
Marriage is the only thing women should aim for in life. Therefore, all marriages should be obscenely expensive and fastuous because it's about the sole thing a woman can actually achieve.
Gay men write women better than straight men and can avoid stereotypes. Oh wait... Scratch that. Gay men pander better to women because most of them are just as shallow and catty as the average woman is supposed to be.
Women bond with each other by being bitchy to other women and talking about sex, sex and more sex. Oh, and shopping.
White women can't share a close bound with non-white women.
Skins: Psychiatrists are useless at best, Ax-CrazyYanderes at worst. So if you have a mental problem, it's far better to just self-medicate with various illegal drugs.
Also, it's a great idea for teenagers to plan their entire futures around their current boyfriends/girlfriends.
Smallville: Lie to your closest friends about who you are because one of them is bound to be conspiring against you.
More broadly, its important to lie to the ones you love all the time about everything because you can't risk them hurting themselves or others with the truth. Because letting the people most deeply involved in your dangerous and violent life not know what's going on is never risky.
If you have have a compromising photo of a radio talk show host you disagree with, go ahead and nail him with it! Even if the photo was staged and he was possessed at the time, after all it's not like you or your allies have ever done anything bad while being influenced.
Also when you find that an orphanage is training it's children into sado-masochistic fighters the best course of action is tell a little girl to wait for you here in the basement, proceed to get your butt kicked, and then leave and go home. Because even though you have no way of knowing yet, your girlfriend needs rescuing (again).
Stargate Atlantis: When faced with an entire species that has no particular grudge against you and simply needs some food to prevent them all from starving, it is perfectly acceptable to refuse and try to wipe them all out.
If you ever come across an intelligent race of human-like machines, kill them all. If that requires creating a self-aware model of said AI race, hell, why not give "her" a name right before you use her to commit xenocide?
Alternately, why not Mind Rape the entire AI species into committing genocide for you?
Aliens are bastards. No exceptions.
The salvation of the poor, oppressed, dark-skinned natives from their enemies can only be found in the kind-hearted pale-skinned folk from far, far away.
For the episode "Brain Storm": Don't steal Rodney McKay's ideas and use them to stop global warming, or else Bill Nye the Science Guy will slap you in the face.
Indiscriminate murder should happen every single day. At every given opportunity. Kind of like indiscriminate sex.
When horrible things happen to you, don't seek a therapist. Join an elite group of monster hunters. 'Cause no one's more suited to save the world than emotionally damaged people.
Ugly Betty: The man of your dreams is out there, but he's not the man you're with right now. Ever. Pining from afar will make for a much more satisfying relationship than any actual coupling ever could.
Women in positions of power are all power-hungry bitches with no morals. No exceptions.
The crazy guy who has NO regard for human life is the hero. He's always right even if he's endangering the lives of others. After all, what's the death of a few measly people in exchange for saving a single whale?
Considering Paul Watson's time with the Makah, you can be a racist bastard who falsely claims to have been in AIM (among other 70s-era activist groups), lead a whole bunch of groups committing hate crimes that aren't considered hate crimes because everyone knows racism against Indians is dead, and Animal Planet will portray you as a hero. God, pass the beluga sushi.
The Wire (specifically, Omar Little): Committing crimes only against other criminals makes you a hero; even the police probably won't care.
The best possible girlfriend for you, and the only one who could hope to fully understand and appreciate you, without being a crazy stalker, is your sister.
Only losers study. If you're a lazy manipulative Evil, you'll get everything you want.
Every Very Special Episode ever: Any addiction, bad habit, or other self-destructive behavior, no matter how dangerous, can be cured in less than a half hour with a hug from your friends or family, or anybody who really cares about you. Nobody ever needs to go through therapy or rehab, or needs to worry about relapse. Once you're cured, you're cured!
Now let's be fair: the hugs often only work once you have uncovered the one single reason that caused your maladaptive behavior.
The roots of your problem are never complex, multifaceted, or undeterminable.
It is very possible that this is a trauma that you've repressed so completely, or hidden so well, you've never shown any sign of neurosis to your family, friends, or even yourself.
Uncovering the causal factor will sometimes (but not always) require a single therapy session, intervention, or encounter with a wise and magical guest star played by a recognizable actor.
Once you know the reason for your problem, no more work or therapy is required. All trouble vanishes, leaving you the well-adjusted character you and everyone else thought you were. Logic, reason, and the love of family and friends will instantly triumph over deep psychological scarring every time.
If you're going to be different when the majority of your competitors have a strong liberal slant, why bother doing something boring like being balanced, when you can just go with an extreme conservative slant?
MSNBC: The only reason Fox News Channel is bad is because it is extremely conservative. Acting just like them, but with an extreme liberal slant instead is A-OK! Just don't mention the fact that you're only as liberal as the corporate giant that owns you allows you to be.
Peep Show: You will fuck up everything you do. EVERYTHING. Life, job, social interactions, love - EVERYTHING.
Your intentionally unemployed, drug addict mate will fuck up everything for a slim chance of getting laid. So you should probably get rid of him.
Stay away from people younger or poorer than you, they will inevitably rob you or falsely accuse you of pedophilia.
To be a white male is to be constantly Mistaken for Racist, because 90 percent of London believes in Political Correctness Gone Mad. Actual white supremacists are actually really swell guys. Also, most attractive women are uber-sensitive Granola Girls who will inevitably force you into awkward situations before running off to sleep with some other bloke.
It's perfectly acceptable to make a complete mockery of the justice system to prove a point!
If the kindly old lady who used to be your neighbor and is now your secretary kills a man, and then goes on a crime spree robbing convenience stores, you should totally ire her to be the sandwich lady!
Sexual harassment in the workplace isn't a real issue, and anyone who insists that it is, is just a sex-starved whiny bitch desperate for attention. Slapping the ass of a colleague as she walks by is just a friendly way of asking for a date!
Backstabbing in the workplace is the fastest path to promotion!
If people in animal costumes come over for a visit, they are always trustworthy.
It's perfectly alright to leave your elementary-school-aged child unattended. They can take care of themselves, including knowing how to ward of kidnappers and paedophiles.
Mom and dad might leave you at home alone for no apparent or explicable reason. However, if you have any problems, call your neighbor. If they are a known sexual deviant, it's still okay. After all, they are living next to you, so that means everything's just fine.
It's fantastic to maintain an office in a country ruled by a dictator, because the perception of having special insider information is worth the cost of squashing negative coverage of that country and its poor, maligned leader.
48 Hours Mystery: Don't ever get into a romantic relationship. It'll start out good enough, but they'll eventually turn Axe Crazy and kill you.
The Next Food Network Star: If you're an ethnic minority, you must cook the style cuisine that matches your heritage, otherwise you're "not staying true to your roots." White people don't have a discernible heritage, so they get a pass.
If you want to be a Food Network star, you have to be capable of doing everything on every show Food Network has, including running a food truck, making food in low time limits Chopped style, and building a restaurant from scratch in a day. But actual skills that would benefit people doing a cooking show? Those aren't important at all!
ESPN SportsCenter: It doesn't matter how many games you win, if you lose once, you suck.