Almost all kid's films about dogs: People who don't own dogs are evil quasi-Nazis who want all dogs dead for no explicable reason.
More like "If you hate dogs, you can go to hell!"
Every reboot/remake ever made: The 80s was awesome. That's why it needs copious amounts of CGI, 21st Century pop music and references to things that happened after the year 2000 to recapture that feeling.
Found a movie that stood the test of time? Contradict that achievement by making the exact same film and hoping for the exact same reaction from a completely different generation that's grown up in a completely different zeitgeist.
It's not plagiarism if you can get Naomi Watts involved.
Just about every single horror/slasher movie: Never leave the city, not even for a vacation. Murderers and sadists only live in suburbs or rural areas.
Teenagers, when you're babysitting, no matter how dangerous things get, never call the police. Just handle it yourself. It will all work out in the end. One of your charges needs to go to the emergency room? Go ahead and take him. Don't try to get in touch with his parents, even though you know where they are and could always send the police. You're trying to show them you're mature and responsible, and you've got it all under control, and that counts more than the kid's health or safety. The hospital won't need parental consent to treat him or anything. They won't even ask. It's not like there's going to be a bill.
Parents, it's fine that the babysitter you've got watching your kids is scarcely older than your oldest one. It's not like you need anybody with a bigger age difference. He won't at all resent the implications of being babysat by somebody so close to his own age.
... especially if she's a Playboy model look-alike.
Atonement: It's okay to frame an innocent man for rape and completely ruin his life if you write a book about it decades afterwards.
Ephebophilia is totally acceptable provided the person in question isn't a virgin.
Blackmailing one's boss will not have legal repercussions; do it.
Masturbating in bed next to one's spouse will not have marital repercussions; do it.
For that matter, neither will blowing half the family's yearly income on a car one wants without consulting one's spouse. In fact, this is actually quite a turn on.
Drug dealers make great boyfriends.
Only men deserve sexual gratification. Women should be made to feel ashamed for seeking it out.
All homophobes are really closet homosexuals who need a hug.
If a homosexual person comes on to you, don't turn them away, however gently: they will turn homicidal.
Buying a car is an expression of independence and individuality. Buying a couch is shallow and materialistic.
Leaving your mentally ill mother to fend for herself is A-OK if you're doing it for love.
If someone is continually seen to be videotaping you, they're probably an interesting, sensitive soul.
Showing a girl a video of a plastic bag blowing in the wind is a fast track to getting laid.
Being a devoted and loyal father, husband and breadwinner for decades will only lead to your being made the target of your family's neglect and disdain. So don't bother.
However, if you try to stand up for yourself and have a little fun, you'll get shot. So don't bother with that, either.
Everyone who smokes marijuana and listens to Pink Floyd is an Erudite Stoner who has life figured out better than you do.
Inane self help tapes and meaningless mantras drive you to kill.
Quitting your well paid job and becoming a fast food cashier while supporting a family is okay if you're doing it to stick it to the man.
The first American Godzilla movie: The American Military is FAAAAAR better than anyone else's, even when they end up causing MORE damage than the giant pregnant lizard they're trying to shoot.
Likewise- "It's OK to blame people for YOUR mistakes...no matter HOW big they are."
Also- "Screw allegory and all that Hiroshima and Nagasaki crap! Everyone knows that bombing the life out of something is the ONLY way to solve a problem."
That's a lot of fish.
What do you do with illegal immigrants coming to the United States to raise a family? Kill them before they take over the country!
American History X: As demonstrated by the ending, black people really are the murderous animals the white power gang said they were.
Alternately: if you're a died-in-the-wool bigot and begin to have some doubts about your way of life, might as well double down on your bigotry rather than listen to those doubts. It's not like karma will forgive you for your past actions.
Being a neo-nazi gets the girls but if you grow as a person they'll dump your ass.
If you have misconceptions about race, going to prison will solve them.
Angels Revenge: A schoolteacher, a lounge singer, a stuntwoman, a martial arts instructor, a supermodel, a junior police officer, and a high school student are the most qualified people to destroy all of LA's drug cartel operations.
Violence and torture are a-okay if they're used by sexy heroines against drug pushers.
In order to recruit members to your guerrilla cause, get a famous singer to help you. Because fame equals trustworthy.
Apocalypto: Non-white cultures are either noble savages or decadent and corrupt dictatorships that worship clearly false gods. The only hope is to wait for Europeans to come save you. (by destroying and plundering your civilization)
It's a good thing those Spaniards showed up in a nick of time to stop the barbaric Mayans from committing genocide against themselves by sacrificing thousands of people to the gods.
Avatar: You can get away for having a really crappy and overdone story and Flat Characters as long as you make it really, really, REALLY pretty to look at.
Alternatively, only by abandoning their old culture and becoming fully integrated into the local society can immigrants hope to be accepted. Those who refuse to assimilate want to kill you and bulldoze your house for shits and giggles. The only solution is to forcibly deport them at arrowpoint.
Actually, it's to strip mine the land directly under the "house." The "shits and giggles" was a bonus.
Don't ever change even when others (even by force) try to change you resist them at all costs. Even the smallest amount of Personal or social change will lead to nothing but a lifetime of spiritual emptiness and physical/emotional misery so its good to have the exact life you've lived since childhood (or at least as far back as you can remember) with not even the slightest deviation in routine.
Diplomacy is a crap-shoot so the only way to solve our problems is to fight.
Paraplegics have no redeeming factors, so be sure to take the first chance at getting virtual legs, even if it means being required to be a dick and force innocent indigenous people off their land.
Minority groups will never prosper without white people there to solve their problems.
Selling out your Species for the chance of getting some Alien Nookie is perfectly acceptable.
Any region, island, continent, or planet untouched by post-Stone Age civilization will consist in a single, unitary tribe of magical native Americans who display all manner of indigenous people tropes. With one single tribe living there, the area (can be an entire moon) is sparsely populated, intertribal politics and conflict are nonexistent, fertile land is freely available pretty much everywhere, and the natives never disturb hostile wildlife or overhunt.
People who evolved differently than you race did cannot be forgiven for not living up to the genetically imposed ideals of your culture. How dare they not be able to hear the trees screaming in their brains like you do!
No matter what you do to a group of people, they will forgive you if you show up in a sweet enough ride.
Killing animals, even in self-defense, is terrible and wrong. Killing people, on the other hand, is totally fine, not to mention lots of fun!
Racism and hostility towards those with a culture different from your own is wrong if you're not a 10-foot tall blue kitty-cat person.
The best way to solve environmental problems is to evolve a ponytail that functions as a USB port for connecting your brain to a brain made out of tree roots.
When a group of highly advanced aliens arrive on your planet because they desperately need the rocks that are under your house, just tell them to screw off. You have arrows. You'll be fine.
The best way to solve environmental problems is to abandon all technology and return to a tribal existence and everything will be happy and there are no negative consequences!
The death of your sibling will result in an opportunity for a fantastic life changing adventure!
Back to the Future: Guys, punching out someone is the best way to get a girl to like you, become popular and be successful in life. Girls, you should determine at the age of seventeen who your future husband will be based on one kiss.
Changing the past is unthinkable, unless you did it by accident, when it will work out better for you. Changing the future is A-OK, and we need to do it right now, not note it and fix it naturally.
Changing the future to become wealthy and famous is bad. Except when you do it.
Someone who would have died in the past without your time-traveling intervention is a perfect choice for a spouse. You two should stay in the past and just lay low. No no, it's even fine for you two to reproduce. And build a gigantic, impossible to miss time machine.
On that same tack, time machines are inherently bad for the universe and should be destroyed. Unless you want to tell your friend in the future that you're doing okay, in which case you build a bigger, louder one.
Remember the guy who tried to rape your wife in high school? Give him a key to your house. Nothing bad can possibly come from it.
On that note, the best way to make sure your daddy-o pal hooks up with your future mom is to stage a scenario where you fake Attempted Rape.
No matter what you do, your uncle will always end up in jail.
Ladies, if a strange boy gets hit by your father's car, take him into your room and strip him naked! Additionally, the best way to learn his name is to look at his underwear.
Batman: It's perfectly acceptable to kill everyone in your way, curb stomp anyone, and give mixed signals to your girlfriend if the bad guy killed your parents when you were a wee boy.
Smitten with someone else? Go ahead and drop your girlfriend out the window, the police won't go after you anyway.
Batman The Dark Knight: Never take action against a psychopathic clown plaguing your city with the murder of innocents because he wants you to reveal your secret identity until he kidnaps someone you care about. Then you're allowed to destroy as much public property as you want.
If said psychopathic clown turns your city's handsome beacon of hope into an insane murderer, and you don't want the city to find out lest they despair, simply take the blame for the murders yourself and stalk off into the night as a hated outlaw. Under no circumstances should you let the police blame the Monster Clown who's actually responsible.
People are better off if they have somebody to hate and fear, rather than somebody to respect and admire. If you lose your shining beacon of hope, don't try to find another one, just turn against the one who's trying to help you. (Sadly, this is also a Truth in Television)
Government and other authority figures that lie to their people are only doing so to protect them!
Dressing up as a bat and fighting a vigilante war on crime is wrong if you're not a rich orphan.
Killing is wrong for YOU, not me.
The crazy murderous lunatic is the only person who has noticed that the constant death of poor people and soldiers sucks. Also that money isn't everything.
It's okay to commit an act of arson (and at least a few second degree murders) to avoid executing a criminal, let your corrupted former mentor die in a train crash, push your tortured former friend to his death off of a building, but killing the evil clown who murdered dozens of people including the love of your life is crossing the line and must not be done.
If you take an oath that you'll never kill anyone, it's ok to follow that when confronting a murderous sociopath holding hundreds of people hostage, and also ok to throw it out the window when confronting your mentally disturbed friend armed only with a handgun.
Batman Begins: If you're an initiate in a secret warrior society and you find your final test—killing a person in cold blood—morally repugnant, be sure to demonstrate your repugnance by killing everyone else in the room instead.
Or, "murder is okay, as long as it's done through massive explosions." Or maybe "to ninjas".
Flipping over police cars and causing uncountable potential deaths is necessary if you have a sick person in the car with you.
Murder is wrong; but letting someone die when it's well within your capabilities to save him is perfectly acceptable.
Batman Returns: Girl Power is always a good thing, and so in the end everyone else is either a fat-head, a horrible butcher, or a corrupt corporate executive. All Hell is therefore acceptable if you're a woman that just got pushed out the window.
The Rich Idiot with No Day Job is always morally above the sewer freak even though they both kill people with little remorse,extra points to the rich guy cuz' one these victims was a fat mook.
Blue Valentine: Remember that if you're pregnant, currently single, and the father happens to be an abusive bastard, you must rush into a marriage with a guy you've barely been dating for a few weeks, it's perfectly okay.
Camp Nowhere: Hey kids! If your parents are hassling you, just gather your friends, hire some wacky guy, and invent your own phony summer camp! You'll do fine, you'll have a great summer, and you'll fool everyone for at least six weeks. Just don't get caught.
Casablanca: Keeping a man who knows every resistance leader in a place where he can be kidnapped is good strategy.
Women who are married to handsome war heroes should try to commit adultery with bartenders. Don't worry, the bartender won't want them anyway.
Christmas with The Kranks: If you decide to go somewhere else for Christmas, it's okay for the neighbors to harass you, because you're a horrible person.
Forget what all the other Christmas movies told you. Materialism is the reason for the season.
If you fail to conform to the whims of society, then harassment and attacks against you are totally justified.
Clerks: Once you blame your best friend for everything wrong with your life, he is absolved of anything he did wrong that made your life miserable that day and that makes his philosophy about acting like a jerk at work right.
Cloud Atlas: Everything in the universe is completely connected to everything. Your very existence depends on the outcomes of both the past and the future. Oh, and the future and past and every soul that has ever lived depends off of your existence. Better not fuck that up. No pressure, or anything.
Crash: if a guy feels you up, he's going to save you from doom eventually, but only if he's a cop. Therefore, it's okay to be felt up as long as the guy feeling you up is an authority figure.
Defending Your Life: Fear is always bad. This includes fear-based instincts like self-preservation.
District 9: Humans will generally have an epiphany that causes them to stop being racist, baby-murdering assholes when you give them the ability to use gravity guns and robot suits. Also, an alien race that has been subjected to 26 years of forced abortions, economic marginalization, segregation, flagrantly illegal and inhumane medical experimentation, and general misery at the hands of humans will totally accept you as their own if you look enough like them and save one of them with your cool giant robot suit that you stole.
If you're part of a historically marginalized group that's endured segregation and multiple violations of your rights, don't try to change the system and co-exist. Get back in your ship and go back to where you came from.
Disturbia: Hey guys. Want to get a girl to fall for you in two seconds flat? Spy on her while she's stripping down to a bikini for an entire week, and just tell her all the details of what she does like what she reads, how she looks at herself in a mirror, and how she as OCD for opening a door a certain way. She'll think it's sweet and get busy with you until your next door neighbor murders someone.
If you cannot expose your neighbor for being a killer due to being on house arrest, it's perfectly fine to ask your friends to risk their lives and enter his house for you. And they'll still be your friends......if they're alive after the ordeal.
If you're going to steal, why aim low? Steal from Hitchcock.
Do the Right Thing: It's wrong for people to burn a pizza house down. But when minority groups aren't properly represented, something has to be done.
Rioting is a reasonable action to take if you have been wronged.
Drag Me to Hell: Gypsies are rightly shunned and discriminated against, since they are evil, spiteful demons who will consign your immortal soul to hell for any perceived slight.
Drive- Love interest's husband got his life on the line because mob members are trying to get him to do a job and he refuses? Get yourself involved and totally screw things up. You'll be able to kick everyone's asses and get away just barely alive.
Ella Enchanted: The British are inept or evil. Black women are inept and ignorant. Young, attractive American women are utterly oppressed in today's society by their evil British master/mistresses. Celebrities are oppressed by their rabid fans. A happy ending occurs only when everyone except the Asian chick gets some.
Enchanted: Love at First Sight doesn't exist. So make sure you spend, ooh, at least three days getting to know the naive child-woman who adores housework, children and fluffy animals before you dump your long-term girlfriend (don't worry about her; she might seem like a smart, independent career woman, but ten seconds with a fairytale prince will sort that right out.)
The best place to keep your emergency credit card is not in a fireproof safe or lockbox along with your passports, but in your sock drawer, where your six-year-old can have easy access.
Successful female scientists and businesswomen don't make good, desirable role models for young girls; only princesses do.
It's perfectly fine to marry a guy you barely know after getting dumped by your long time boyfriend. Things will work out for the best.
If you accidentally fall into a different universe, don't make any effort to go back if you find someone and get married, despite the fact that you may have family and friends waiting for you.
Exodus: the proper way to win the heart of a woman is to take them into a war zone and make constant ideological sermons to them.
Existen Z: Life is just a game so killing people has no negative consequences.
If you murder a Chinese waiter just tell people in the restaurant "it was a misunderstanding over the cheque" and they'll all turn back to their tables as if nothing happened.
Father Of The Bride: Fathers, if you don't want your daughter to get married even when she's old enough, you have every right to still be overprotective over her.
Ferris Buellers Day Off: Hey kids - neglect your education and leech off the sympathy and good-will of everyone around you — everyone will love you, and you'll get to do whatever you want with absolutely no consequences.
P.S. — authority figures are just intellectually inferior jerkasses who just want to spoil your fun. Don't listen to em'. Ever.
If you are a high school principal concerned about a truant student, it is perfectly okay to knock out his pet dog with a flowerpot and break into his house. If you frighten his twin sister in the process, who cares?
Forrest Gump: If you do what you're told, never question authority and drift through life without direction or purpose, you will become a football star, a war hero, a ping-pong champion and a millionaire. People who want to question authority and actually engage society in tumultuous times are just the product of child sexual abuse, will end up addicted to drugs, live miserable lives and die of AIDS.
Doubly funny, given that must of the people involved in that film actually have had to deny that warped Aesop.
Also, it's perfectly okay to go running to a faithful (and now wealthy) childhood friend for security and shelter after squandering most of your profligate youth on attractive bad boys who mistreated and abused you. And because your friend has both a mental handicap and a trusting nature, you can even convince him your illegitimate child is his without fear of him doubting you!
Gangs of New York: Scars from having a burning-hot knife pressed against your face won't tarnish your good looks too much, as long as you're as handsome as Leonardo Di Caprio.
Bringing a child to watch a massive, bloody street brawl is just fine. If the child's father is laying on the ground bleeding to death, you have to make the child watch as his arch enemy finishes him off.
Massive, bloody street brawls resulting in large death tolls and mutilations are the only way to solve conflicts. Assassinations and guns are for wimps who have no honor.
Gattaca: humanity will immediately and invariably misuse any technology it creates. Alternate aesop: You, too, can achieve your dreams if you have grit, moxie, guts, determination, spirit, criminal contacts, a willingness to engage in fraudulent misrepresentation for long periods, and a near-sociopathic disregard for the risks any medical conditions you may possess pose to your co-workers.
Also, interracial couples via Last Minute Hookup are all well and good, but they won't last to the next movie. No, the girl will simply go back to drooling over the pretty white hero as if nothing had ever gone on between her and the black guy.
The Nostalgia Chick: This Halloween, if you're still a virgin, STOP IT! You never know when your virginity might accidentally unleash an undead Bette Midler from beyond the grave.
Hop: Remember children, if you work hard you can overcome the negative preconceptions of others and go on to live your dream, but only if you're white, male and middle class. if you're ethnic and/or of the working class, then trying make a better life for yourself will only result in horrible disfigurement, leaving you a grotesque and lonely abomination.
Hook: Child warfare is okay if they're dressed in bright colours.
To be fair, the children of Never Never Land could be hundreds of years old for all we know... They are at least as old as Robin Williams!
House of Sand and Fog: Remember to check your mail regularly because if you don't, an innocent family will die.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas!: Committing a large number of counts of burglary, sabotaging everyone's favorite holiday, and putting children in danger will be completely forgiven if you say you're sorry and/or were only doing it because you didn't fully understand the holiday in question.
2000 film version extension: If someone suggests you should be punished, mistrusted, or less-than-fully-respected for mass-burglary after you apologize, they're a more despicable person than you.
Being mocked in elementary school justifies mass-burglary and vandalism when you become an adult.
Hugo: Disabled war veterans are suitable objects for mockery, derision, and physical humor. It also says he was an orphan, so that's funny, too.
Good, intelligent people can't have kids. Idiotic white trash, on the other hand, have more kids than Catholic rabbits!
Intelligence, taste, empathy and other such traits can only be passed on genetically! LAMARCK WAS RIGHT!
Independence Day: in America's darkest days, those who deserve to survive will be the heroic President, handsome rookie marines, sexy strippers with a heart of gold, cute kids, and useful Jewish nerds. Those who do not deserve to survive are hippies, working women (except said sexy stripper), Area 51 scientists, and war veterans with mental problems (though they'll get a hero's death, don't you worry).
If a giant wall of fire is blasting down a tunnel, simply duck into a side room (without even the need to close the door) for safety.
Humans are doomed to be a warlike people. The only way they will stop fighting each other is if aliens come along and give them someone else to fight with.
Finally to that For all of humanities disgust and moral pacifist aversion to mass genocide its perfectly OK and even applauded and encouraged if it only happens to other sentient species outside of our planet.
If you aren't American, then your nation's government will impotently await orders from the great Eagleland instead of organizing their own defense/counterattack.
Inception: Don't get therapy for your problems, take drugs and hallucinate yourself better.
Iron Man 1: Every significant problem in the world can be solved by having the best weapons, but only as long as you're the only one with them. The optimal course of action is to build exactly one of the most powerful weapon imaginable and keep it at arm's reach at all times.
To win a war in the Middle East against guerrillas with stolen and smuggled weapons, you will need at least one incredibly advanced bulletproof flying superweapon. (hilarious because it's true)
If your best friend is in the military, ditch him while the two of you are in a war zone. What's the worst that could happen?
If your life depends on a unique piece of technology, tell your assistant to destroy the only back-up because you're not "sentimental".
You invented a fully functional artificial intelligence? Make it your personal butler! Who needs Nobel Prizes anyway?
Iron Man 2: It's in the public interest for an unstable, alcoholic billionaire, elected by no one, accountable to no one, to be the exclusive owner of the world's most powerful conventional weapons system.
Never tell your friends that you're dying. It's better that they think you've lost your mind.
If someone won't give you something you want, you should steal it.
Wanting to make money off of something you help invent is BAD! But only if you're from Russia - being a successful American businessman is something to strive for.
Don't question anyone older than you. Especially if they try to convince you that the Russian person who fled one Cold War nation in hopes of peace is more likely to try to weaponize technology that was partly his than the American person who owns a weapons company.
The periodic table of elements has blank squares that have gone unnoticed for generations by chemists and high-school poster vendors.
Chemists? Feh! An engineer/weapons designer is just the guy to discover this new element.
Iron Man 3: Never trust anyone claiming to be from Homeland Security. However you can trust the bar full of drunks, the white Southern sheriff, and the shifty kid you met five minute ago.
It's a Wonderful Life: The entire universe revolves around your existence and no one could function without you!
Just Cause: Don't ever try to help a death row inmate who you think may have been wrongly convicted of murder. They really are guilty of the crime, and will repay you by trying to murder your family.
Knocked Up: If you get a one-night stand pregnant, she'll drop all her plans to form a family with you.
Even if you're a 20-something stoned slacker; getting a job, moving out and kicking your marijuana habit can be done in no time at all. Job seekers are just lazy!
Krippendorf's Tribe: Lying is a fun group activity that can bring a family closer together. Misuse of a school's funds to pay the family's living expenses is good parenting. Someone who tries to expose the lying and cheating of others (in order to maintain some semblage of acedemic professionalism) is a nasty bitch who deserves no respect. Bonus lesson: it's OK to secretly videotape yourself and your ladyfriend having sex, then show the video to the whole world. She'll forgive you.
Lawrence of Arabia: If you kill enough Turks, Arabs will worship you. This is a desirable thing.
If a group of military men has kidnapped, gang-raped and beaten you, don't worry. They'll just let you go once they are finished. That's the way it always works.
And speaking of showers, always be sure to take a long lingering one right after you're raped. Don't wait for the forensics team. You wouldn't want to leave a trace of evidence that could conceivably help convict the bastard.note Unfortunately, this part is Truth in Television. Rape victims often describe themselves as feeling "dirty" after the incident, and want to be "clean".
Gender stereotypes are oppressive and are the leading cause of both rapes (I'm a Man, I Can't Help It being one major cause) and fragile, easily victimized women. Therefore, feminism is good because it desires to reject those stereotypes and create a world with both strong women capable of handling themselves and men capable of keeping it in their pants when the women around them don't want it... Naah, that's not a Family-Unfriendly Aesop, at least not in the West.
Likewise to all that dont trust men....EVER. They're all secretly predatory or generally psychotic or extremely sociopathic in some way or another, so, ladies, either live an entire lifetime of chastity (without even talking in person to a living male—he might trick you into doing something you don't want to do) or become a lesbian (although even your same sex lover may try to abuse you too).
And the best way to defy gender stereotypes (as these films have shown us) is to depict all women as victims. And nothing helps bury the myth that men are inherently predatory than depicting the vast majority of men as being predatory.
Looking at soft core internet porn will ruin your relationships, turn you into the school's porn freak, and cause you to become addicted toenergy drinks.
Teenagers are either bullies, rapists, insane, stupid, disobedient, and/or disrespectful whiny brats.
Limitless: Drugs will make you rich, get you laid, and if you keep using them, the negative side effects all disappear!
Love and Other Drugs: Trying to find a cure for the horrible disease that's slowly eating away your loved one's life makes you a terrible person because it means that you don't want to accept him/her for who he/she is!
Mamma Mia!: Being a "lone wolf" apparently means shunning commitment, until you meet another "lone wolf" (i.e. another person who shuns commitment), at which point you immediately throw yourself at them and beg them to marry you.
Not only should you take your mother's promiscuity in stride, but you should also steal her diary and divulge its saucy secrets to your friends. And sing a song about it.
Manof Steel: Always do what your father says, even if his way of thinking got him killed and ultimately gets in the way of saving the planet.
Politicians and the military are incapable of understanding environmentalism, no matter how much damage they've obviously done.
If you wear an abstract symbol as tribute your long-lost culture and it looks like a Roman letter, people will ignore your explanation and misinterpret it for decades to come.
Meta Aesop: If you've destroyed a machine that could wipe out all life, prevented an alien race from breeding out humanity and killed a bloodthirsty warlord to save a frightened family, you'd better be either Batman, played by Christopher Reeve or a member of the Avengers. If you're none of these, everyone will accuse you of being a violent sociopath.
Man Of The House: College cheerleaders are wiser about relationships and parenting than middle-aged law enforcement officers, so asking them to stop dressing like sluts is unjustifiably cruel.
"Manos" The Hands of Fate: So long as you show a healthy distrust of unusual modes of speech and physical features, and do not work too hard to learn about anything, you will be safe.
Making films on a bet is a great idea! Especially if you're a fertilizer salesman with zero movie-making experience!
The Men In Black Films: All real humans have uniform facial proportions. Anyone who looks even a little bit weird is clearly an alien.
Unless they're insanely hot, in which case they're just aliens with better disguises.
Tampering with a stranger's memory and possible psyche is okay. It's not like they're you problem or anything.
Metropolis: If you're an abused worker, it's completely okay to destroy your workplace. So what if the machines you operate are the whole reason why the city runs to begin with? The evil witch told you to do it!
Mr. Smith Goes To Washington: No matter how adamant you are or how many people believe in you, the powers that be will turn everyone against you and get their way unless they feel guilty about it.
Everyone who opposes you is part of or manipulated by a mass Propaganda Machine. Therefore, it's okay to ignore everyone else's wishes and push for whatever you want!
Multiplicity: It takes four men to make one woman happy, and even then they can't quite cover all the bases. Ladies, you need your husband's permission if you want to go back to work. If he balks at the idea, manipulate him by crying. Making men feel guilty is what tears are for.
Newsies: Child labor is okay, as long as you pay the kids reasonably well.
No Country for Old Men: He who mass-murders, wins. He who challenges mass-murderers, dies. He who gives up, lives...despite being confused for the rest of his life as to why the mass-murderer keeps winning.
If you're a well-known criminal, you will be able to evade any arm of the law. Police or vigilantes will come for you as individuals, rather than as large groups. You will be able to heal from any injury and get away with any crime. (This also applies to Monster.)
The American Southwest is policed by disorganized idiots.
O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Oceans Eleven, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip... actually, let's just say "Way Too Many to count": Hey! You know that girl that you've been basically stalking? And has told you in no uncertain terms that they are not interested, and in fact might be justified in pursuing a restraining order against you? Keep at it! After all, it's not like anyone has ever shot a president over this kind of thing. Oh wait...
If you are unwilling to become an outlaw, you deserve to die.
If you're a goddess, imprisoned in human form a long time ago by the lover you betrayed, it's perfectly acceptable to take your anger out on an unrelated bunch of people — even if they are more than willing to free you and desperately in need of your help. Especially if they're fighting against the same guy who helped seal you up.
If you betray your lover, just tell them that it's your nature and that they wouldn't love you if you were different.
Your friends will all betray you the second they get their chance. Despite this, you should remain friends with them.
Its perfectly okay to borderline hate someone that even vaguely annoys you or doesn't share the same moral values as you (in fact you should dislike them even More because of it). In fact you would be perceived as a pillar of virtue if you would go as far to let them die.
Porky's: If a small businessman refuses to become a pimp for you, and then defends himself when you repeatedly assault him as punishment for his refusal, it is perfectly acceptable to destroy his livelihood.
Puma Man: Not only are British people evil, but anyone from South America who happens to be vaguely heroic should gleefully put himself in second position to a talentless American cretin possessing approximately one heroic bone in his body.
Repo! The Genetic Opera: Feel free to be a drug-addicted spoiled brat or a murderous psychopath, because you'll still inherit all of your father's vast wealth.
Poisoning's effects will immediately stop the moment you have a short seizure and watch your parent/poisoner die, and you've barely ever stepped outside of your home and are completely naive to the world (except your short experience learning all about how to harvest from bodies and sell drugs for money and tricks— and what else do you need in life!) but you can totally make it alone in the world as an attractive young girl! All on her own! On the streets! And don't take the huge company offered to you, despite it being more powerful than government itself. I mean, at the expense of your sheltered, poisoned life, that's just wrong. Let the selfish, lusting/violent/drug-addled kids inherit it.
Revenge of the Nerds: The best way to win the heart of an unobtainable girl is to have sex with her while pretending to be her boyfriend. Chances are, even though you already snuck into her dorm without her permission and have been secretly watching her undressing for days, she'll like it and not issue a restraining order.
Rocky: A true expression of The American Dream: White Guy Gets The Courage To Beat Up Black Guy For Money.
Men should pursue the woman he wants, even if she's said she's not interested. It's romantic and brave and she will come around in the end. Women should never pursue men ever, in any way, shape or form. You will come across as overbearing and desperate and he will laugh about you with his friends.
If you divorce someone, certain events will happen that will make you remember why you fell in love and married them in the first place, and make you forget why you ended up divorcing in the end.
You are incapable of choosing the right partners on your own, and require the meddling of family and friends to play matchmaker and show you who's really right for you. And they will know, so if your family doesn't support your current relationship, it's sure to fail in favor of the person they prefer for you.
Playing off of this, you or your crush's current significant other will always be a jerk, neglectful, or not understanding. You are therefore justified in either dumping them for the crush your family supports, or instigating a relationship with your crush who's already taken.
Saw in general: Amputees are clearly people who didn't enjoy their life enough.
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The best way to prove your devotion to a girl is by flamboyantly murdering everyone who ever loved her in the past - and in public, too
If you ever date a girl, you will certainly be attacked by her seven evil ex boyfriends exes.
People turn into coins when they die, so killing makes you rich.
You can only obtain self-respect by murdering people whose lifestyle isn't to your liking.
Serenity: "It doesn't matter what you believe. Just... believe!"
Sex Education films, up until the mid 60s: Pre-marital sex is not only wrong, but will leave you mentally and physically scarred for the rest of your life. Your life for the forseeable future will be left in ruins. It doesn't actually matter how many times you do it or how few partners you actually have. Once is all it takes to wreck you. Doubly so if you're a girl: Venereal Disease or pregnancy are the only possible outcomes.
To be fair, before the invention of the Pill (and the widespread acceptance of condoms,) those WERE ever-present risks for ANY sexual activity. This is more a case of Scare 'Em Straight taken to an extreme rather than a Warped Aesop.
Sha Po Lang: Don't throw your enemies off tall buildings - they might land on your wife.
Skyfall: Qualifying exams exist for a reason. If someone fails all of them, but you pull rank and have them reinstated anyway, don't then place your life in their hands. They're probably going to fail again.
If a beautiful and popular girl appears to be interested in you, she's obviously up to no good.
Even the most weak and useless of superhumans is still unimaginably far above any mere human.
Signs: God meant for aliens to kill millions of humans, so we could learn to appreciate our fellow survivors more.
Sure, God let millions of people around the world die, gave you an obsessive/compulsive daughter, and let your wife die horribly, but it's okay! You've got your faith restored because he saved YOU!
Belief should derive from the fear of the unknown, rather than evidence or logic.
When your race finally expands its dominion into space and other star systems, locate a planet covered at least 70% in a substance that can kill you and regularly precipitates the same substance worldwide. Attempt to take over this planet by landing naked and unarmed.
Should earth be invaded by aliens/demons, we have nothing to worry about. They're a bunch of suicidal morons.
Six Pack has several:
If you run away to tour with a NASCAR driver, everything will be all right.
Child labor laws don't apply if the children are willing to do the work.
Screw getting an education—just become a pit stop mechanic the second you're legally able to enter the pit. Everything will work out just fine.
Sky High: If you're romantically interested in a boy, don't tell him how you feel. In fact, don't take any initiative in starting the relationship at all. Eventually, he'll just realize on his own that he feels the same way and get up the courage to ask you out.
All adults are crazy.
Women are always smarter than men.
Slumdog Millionaire: Those impoverished, starving Indian kids you see on TV, they're not millionaires. That's not because they live in a country struggling to survive after years of Western oppression; not because of their culture's rigid caste system; not because socialism strangles their economy, not because they aren't given the opportunities. No, they're not millionaires because "It Is Written".
Or, more simply: "Aladdin" is a completely plausible and realistic story if you swap the Genie for a gameshow host.
Spider-Man: Just wait. Eventually, she'll get to falling for you.
Spider-Man 2: Missed your chance the first time? Just wait, these things go in cycles.
A real superhero must be on call 24/7 non stop and not even take a short break to eat a hot dog and let the actual police catch simpler criminals like purse snatchers and muggers (because the NY police can't catch a cold or....something??) and if they do they're dicks who don't care enough for the public.
The actual police are hilariously incompetent. This isn't even the Competence Zone principle, because that's age: this is that when the main vigilante superhero (ie. protagonist) decides he needs time away, the actual police will seemingly fail simple arrests and crime will increase by 75%.
Spider-Man 3: With great power, you may shove people's faces into trains and dance at a professional level to annoy your ex.
Relationship problems are caused by parasitic aliens. Furthermore, if someone offers you baked goods, accepting them makes you evil.
Killing an Eldritch Abomination, yelling at the landlord, dressing in black clothes and getting emo hair, and wanting to show off to your ex makes you a bad person. Good people are good all the time!
Never be even mildly upset with the state of the people and things around you no matter how bad it is, it may turn you into a Mass Murdering (albeit alien symbiote controlled) madman.
No matter how many times you save an entire city or rescue countless numbers of people there, don't do anything bad in public—not....even....ONCE—because if you do the city will form a Angry Mob and instantly demand that you be automatically arrested for your indiscretion or mistake, or even killed
The aesop of Spider-Man 3 has been summed up by some detractors as "Two wrongs don't make a right, because one wrong does." The film argues that getting revenge is wrong, and should never be confused with justice—by showing that the man who causes the death of Uncle Ben actually is a nice guy and had a somewhat sympathetic backstory. How often is that going to be the case with people who killed your loved ones in real life? Because if that sort of rare circumstance is all they use to prove that revenge is wrong, then We Haven't Learnt Anything Yet. By that logic, either termination with extreme prejudice is still justified every time a villain doesn't meet those criteria, or else every villain is implied to be that way, and in turn, implied to deserve more tolerance. Neither conclusion is very appealing.
Technically, the film did show other examples, unrelated to Sandman, of why Peter's angry behavior was a problem. UNFORTUNATELY it backfired, since they mostly involved him out of costume, doing all sorts of embarassing things that seem completely alien to Spider-Man films; the result being that the audience hated it just as much as the characters!
Or, looking at it from another angle: it's okay to use a deathbed promise to guilt-trip a boy into promising he'll stay away from the girlfriend he genuinely loves. Doubly so if that girlfriend, whose happiness you are destroying, is your own daughter. I mean, since when has your daughter's a) heart and b) ability to control her own life ever mattered?
Uh, given there was no way TO bring his son back, I don't think that quite works.
How dare you try to make this make sense? KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
Have we forgotten his whole "I've never trusted Klingons" speech from VI?
You mean the one that was called out in the movie itself, and ultimately disproved?
Star Trek: Insurrection: Finders keepers, losers weepers! If you're the first to discover a planet with rejuvenating powers, then the whole planet is yours and yours alone, and anyone who wants to share these powers, particularly within your own group, can fuck off and die!
Star Trek Into Darkness: Vulcans display racist tendencies, so not only is it appropriate to be racist it's also logical.
If someone you love dies, you are required to be happy that they're dead, to not miss them, not mourn them. If you shed even a single tear, you're a Sith.
If your best friend is in horrific agony (say, just had three of his limbs amputated and set on fire), it is considered evil and dishonorable to give him a Mercy Kill. The correct thing to do is to just walk away on your friend as he lies there in unimaginable pain.
To be fair, the victim in question was ax crazy and getting close enough to deliver a Mercy Kill was suicidal. Oh, and said "friend" is also protected by canon.
Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side, and the dark side is evil. So, if you've ever been afraid or angry you're a complete monster.
Oh Lord, likewise to this, again Jedi philosophy is basically just pure Extreme Buddhism in work. Basically, don't care or love too much about anyone or anything (even your own parents) unless you enjoy killing everything around you. However, don't NOT CARE too much or you will still become a BAD person.
Also you MUST successfully lift and toss around a object the size of a F-16 with nothing but your mind on your first try. And if you can't, either you're a loser or your mind is giving in to doubt and doubt also leads to "bad things."
Only Siths deal in extremes. Unless you're a Jedi saying that particular sentence, which happens to be an extreme generalization of Siths, then its okay.
Revenge Of The Sith: Problems with romance? It's not your fault. It is EVERYONE ELSE'S. The only logical course of action is to KILL THEM ALL!
Also: Keeping promises to your parents causes genocide.
If at first you fail, retreat into an obscure swamp and pretend to be senile until you find someone young to do the hard stuff for you.
Any dark-skinned official in power is obviously going to be assassinated sooner or later.
Only the truly evil deal in absolutes. No one else ever does, ever!
Men guilty of starting horrific wars deserve trials. Toddlers should be exterminated.
Contrary to that, suddenly and completely abandoning a large portion of one's own personal moral code to arrest someone is perfectly OK if it means the "right thing" must be done. Even if the remote possibility of a third option might exist.
Insisting suspected murderers be given a trial is a slippery slope to child murder.
Attack of the Clones: illegally produced armies that consist of millions of clones are always a good thing.
Taking babies away from their families and raising them to never care about anybody makes you, and them, good and well-adjusted people. Only bad and crazy people worry about their mothers and want to get married.
The best way to let a guy know you're don't want a relationship with him is to show a lot of skin and spend tons of time alone with him in scenic locales and in darkened rooms lit by fireplaces.
Also, chicks don't mind if you've slaughtered a village before and have the occasional megalomaniacal rant.
As long as you're hot.
Return of the Jedi: It doesn't matter how evil he is, your father is still your father.
Even if you've only met him twice.
—> Objection! In the Expanded Universe Vader meets Luke WAY more than just twice.
Your biological father is way more important than your aunt and uncle, the people who actually raised you your whole life. If they get brutally murdered, never mention them again.
If you've been in charge of an evil empire responsible for genocide and oppression, personally committed murder including that of children and the elite galactic police (i.e. Jedi), and lead a campaign of terror and tyranny against a large portion of the galaxy, all will be forgiven and forgotten with a quick seeing of the light at the end.
The death of a single proud tribal teddy bear is far more horrific and worth focusing on than the destruction of a fully occupied ginormous medical frigate.
The Phantom Menace: Cutting off all contact between young children and their parents (and anyone else who loves them) makes them grow up into excellent police/judges.
A noble and just Republic should tolerate slavery as a live and let live thing, after all, doesn't each planet have the right to their own culture?
—> For what it's worth, Tatooine wasn't part of the Republic.
If something horrible is going on in a remote, self-governed area, then your job as knights of justice and peace is irrelevant; it's not your problem if it's not your government.
Need someone to rule your world? Elect fourteen year old girls and call them queens! Find a dozen other fourteen year old girls as assassination bait!
Fear=anger=hate=suffering. Therefore, scared people are the Devil and should be killed.
A New Hope: Drug smugglers are perfectly trustworthy and, if they hang around heroes long enough (a day or two) eventually become heroic.
Every young man should aspire to be a terrorist when he grows up. Even better if he commits mass murder by destroying a military installation.
—> If you want to get accurate information on a terrorist group, torture first, then threaten to blow up their homeland, and then actually do blow it up before confirming that the information is correct, thus ensuring their future cooperation.
It's okay to postpone doing The Right Thing until you have nothing else better to do. Want to go Fight The Good Fight, but Uncle needs you to help around the farm? No prob, whatevs, just wait for the cosmic calendar to realign itself to your timetable.
Alternately: If you do not fight against evil— ALL evil, EVERYWHERE— immediately, it will come to your house and kill the only family you've ever known. So get on that.
The Empire Strikes Back: If someone who's trying to kill you tells you he's your father without any sort of evidence to back it up, take his word for it. It's not like he might be trying to mess with your head or anything.
Alternative interpretation: you need to develop a supernatural power that allows you to "search your feelings" to magically know whether a statement is true just in case someone who's trying to kill you says he's your father.
Falling in love automatically turns headstrong, capable Action Girls into whiny, demure Distressed Damsels. Just look at Padme (and Leia, to a much lesser extent).
Stranger Than Fiction: You're only worth not killing if you're completely ready and willing to die; if you're begging on your knees for your life to be spared, then you don't quite deserve to live.
Stripes: Military discipline and following orders are unnecessary impediments to tactical success. Stealing classified hardware and crossing national borders with impunity works much better.
Sucker Punch (from Red Letter Media): Women can only empower themselves by seducing men then stabbing them in the throat when they're not looking.
Sunrise: Did your husband just try to kill you in order to leave you for another woman? Forgive him; as long as he chases you into a foreign city, buys you food, and apologizes in a church, all will be fine.
Drunk pigs are hilarious.
Surrogates: If you see one them youngsters on their newfangled machines, you should kill them because New Media Are Evil and they aren't making meaningful social connections! Or, if you're feeling merciful, just break their machine to force them to talk to you until they go out and get another one.
Taxi (US remake): Screw drivers education! All you need to do is sing "Everlasting Love" while driving and you can go from not knowing how to get out of parallel parking to stuntman levels of driving skill.
The Artist: Remember, ladies, stalking the man you're worried about and stealing all of his possessions is the only way to stop his alcoholism. Never try to get him outside help, it'll just make things worse.
The Breakfast Club: ** Hey, freak? All that it will take for you to be happy and accepted is to relinquish any semblance of individuality and get into clothes and makeup like all the other girls.
And hey, Princess? The Bad Boy only verbally abuses you because he loves you. He's definitely the one you need to date.
We're more alike than we're different, right? Except for you, Geek... you get to write the paper while Jerk Jock and Bad Boy get some.
The reason your principal is such a Jerkass (and occasionally borderline abusive) is because he has forgotten what it's like to be young. Make fun of him.
If you aspire to be like John Lennon, you will end up as an Almighty Janitor. And you will have more common sense than an educator with twenty years' experience.
Blue Lagoon: The Awakening: The best thing about living on a deserted island? Even if you don't shave, brush your teeth, wash yourself with soap, or apply sunblock each day, you'll always look as fresh as a daisy. And you'll be able to have all the casual unprotected sex you want with no repercussions. Survivalism? Don't worry about it!
The Blues Brothers: As long as it's in a good cause, you have no need to follow laws. Oh, and car crashes never, ever kill anyone unless they drop from a height of a hundred yards or more, so drive any way you want.
Unless you're wearing a nice watch. Car crashes always break watches.
When some weirdo tells you he's on a mission from God, BELIEVE HIM.
And adultery is always sexy because forbidden fruit is always sweeter.
Again, only for women. Or men if the right soundtrack is playing and the sex is in a bed, not in an elevator or other unsavory place; if a married man does it in a nonsanctioned location, the woman he's sleeping with is inevitably a psycho stalker.
The Fighter: The number of problems that can be solved by beating up a Liverpudlian approaches infinity.
The Game: if you don't like someone's personality, feel free to drive them to the point of suicide in an attempt to make them adopt a new one.
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie: Got a bunch of ugly freaks that like to steal things and beat people up? Don't allow authorities to take care of them, just shove them into a tiny little garbage pail, that'll keep them quiet.
That is, you know...kind of the point. Most tyrannical leaders become much less frightening when they are openly mocked; Chaplin's intent was to try and drive home how ridiculously stupid all of Hitler's ideas were by poking fun at them with the best techniques he used: slapstick comedy.
Hitler and Charlie Chaplin actually ARE the same person!!
Being completely wasted at the time is a perfectly valid excuse to do whatever the fuck you want. Hey, Mike Tyson said it, so it must be true!
Legally, this is actually true. Involuntary intoxication is an absolute defense to pretty much any crime. The "involuntary" part is, however, mandatory. Just intoxication has the opposite legal effect in most cases.
The Happening: Nature hates and wants to kill us so we should be environmentalists!
After firing your warning shot across the bow of one of the more offensive countries of the world for its reckless destruction of the environment, the next target of your vengeance should ideally be the country that produces nearly all its power in the least harmful way possible.
Never ask a German for help, because they'll just use surgery to turn you into a freak.
The Kid: The Child Protective Service is an evil organization that enjoys taking children away from loving parents. How dare they take a little boy away from a dirt-poor surrogate dad that found the child by a trash can and uses him to break windows while he walks down the street selling glass.
The King and I: Women, if you think for yourselves, the men you love will die, and you'll end up alone.
The King's Speech: It's perfectly acceptable to hire a man with no credentials to help you with your speech problems, after all, they know more than those snobby little professionals do.
To be fair, the patient had already gone to almost every professional. Perhaps due to their common training, they all used similar techniques that didn't work for this particular patient. Unsurprisingly, the experienced man without formal training used unconventional but honed techniques that were different from the formally taught ones that for whatever reason didn't work for this patient.
Stutterers have no friends.
British defense policy is based on the assumption that soldiers will never fight for a monarch who happens to stutter. Even though they have in the past fought for monarchs who were tyrants, drunkards, adulterers, incompetent fools, insufferable snobs, and once or twice even clinically insane. But fighting for a stutterer is beyond the pale. Therefore the king must learn to speak without stuttering or The Kingdom is doomed.
The Last Samurai: When change comes to your country, irrationally resisting it with all your might is the correct course of action.
Killing for the right reasons will cure your PTSD.
If you're a foreign soldier and are surrounded by the enemy, grab the enemy's color and start waving it around while growling. The general will spare you, welcome you to his family, take walks with you, train you to fight like him, and eventually will even die for you. He will not just order his men to kill your insane ass on the spot or drag you off to a POW camp.
If you kill someone, you will get his kickass armor (and the ability to use it perfectly without training), his Closer To Nature Zen philosophy, and his wife.
The nature of reality is unknowable, so eat, drink, and be merry, because you'll never find any meaning.
Technically this is a completely valid philosophical position called Solipsism.
But waking people up to a cruel dystopia where there's not enough food for even a few people to go around is OK as long as it's in the interest of The Truth.
The Mist: Don't go to the grocery store, order your food on the internet and have it delivered.
Hehe. Nope. The people who stayed home didn't fare very well. The TRUE Aesop is if a fog of obviously unnatural origin rolls in, reduces visibility to near zero AND all forms of communication suddenly cease to work, the right thing to do is run to your car (without the groceries you just bought), round up your family and try to get the hell out of Dodge without even a gun. If you decide to seek shelter, gather information and/ or supplies and try to enact a careful, logical strategy to deal with the situation, you are a coward without any trace of chivalry and Eldritch Abominations will either kill you or make you WISH you were dead.
The Mortal Instruments (film adaptation):
If the man who's trying to murder your True Companions and summon an army of demons into the world tells you he's your real, long-lost father, listen to him! It's not like he might be trying to distract you or anything.
It can't be incest if you're physically attracted to her.
The Omen: You should stay away from cannibalistic doomsday Cults, because they'll brainwash you into ritually murdering your adoptive son.
How is "stay away from cannibalistic doomsday cults" a warped aesop? That actually seems like really good advice.
Someone you know dying in a freak accident is perfect justification to kill your son, no matter how repulsive you found the idea immediately before said accident.
Satan's main evil plan is to unleash what looks like Mini-Me upon the world.
The Prestige: It's perfectly okay to kill someone through your own arrogance, talk your twin brother into maiming himself and drive your wife to suicide, for none of these are as bad as rigging up a state-of-the-art magic trick that can make a bird disappear without killing it.
The Princess Bride: If you kill one person, you deserve to die, no matter what reparations you offer or how long it's been. But if you become a pirate lord and kill a whole bunch of people, it's no biggie as long as you quit as soon as you get reunited with the love of your life!
The Punisher (1989): Organized criminals are basically decent people, as long as they're Caucasian.
The Road Warrior When the world goes to Hell and everyone you meet wants to kill you for a tank full of gasoline it is a great idea to sucker in a half-crazed uber-warrior, lie to him, use him to destroy all of your enemies and then abandon him to die in the desert. After all there is no way he could survive, track you down, slaughter you all and steal your reserves of fuel — or any reason he'd want to.
The Social Network: It's okay to hire someone of whom is a pedophile drug addict and has been a part of two failed companies as a partial owner of your multi-billion dollar website. Oh, and if he gets busted by the police and gives your company a bad name, just band-aid it and let him continue to be part of your company.
The Sixth Sense: Extraordinary abilities are a curse; it's better to be a good little sheep, just like everyone else!
The Truman Show: Want a good idea for a television show? Get some random infant and film his entire life, lying to him about the whole setup for however long he lives.
The Village: Technology fucks us over; we should all just live like the Amish!
Hey, have a blind child in your house? You do? GOOD! Because he/she is the only one that can save the town! Have him/her march into danger ALONE with naught but his/her cane and know that he/she will survive whatever is gonna kill him/her, obtain whatever it is your town needs and make it back. Why do you know this? Because your blind child is pure of heart!
The Wizard of Oz: It is perfectly acceptable to withhold life-saving information from a child, endanger their life and use them to murder your rivals if there is a lesson for the child in the end — no matter how flaky the lesson might be. Also, when you land in a strange country and are threatened with death by someone with obvious and frightening magical powers you should blindly follow the first advice anyone offers no matter how bizarre or half-witted they might seem.
Remember kids, anybody with different skin color than you is ugly and evil! Kill them!
Twisters are not deadly, they're a perfectly safe form of transportation to mythical worlds.
For you. For bystanding witches, not so much.
If you accidentally commit manslaughter, the victim's possessions belong to you so long as the victim was unpopular. Looting gems from a corpse in front of dozens of witnesses and then holding on to them when the deceased's extremely powerful relative asks for them will work out for the best in the end.
When visiting a new land, be sure to accept credit for killing the first person you saw, even if the weather actually did it. Just call it an accident.
When travelling, team up with every mentally unstable stranger you encounter.
Getting back to your dystopic homeland is worth undertaking a hopelessly difficult assassination quest. Even if you're an underage girl with mentally unstable companions.
The Wizard of Oz, Signs, et al.: Never. Underestimate. Water. (Alternatively: when in doubt, peril or otherwise, try water.)
Tootsie: Women are either neurotic messes, hypocritical teases, brainless bimbos, or butch executives. Fortunately, a man of principle can show them how to be a real woman.
True Grit: If your father is killed, you should hire a U.S. Marshall to go after the killer, and you should go with him, no matter how young or inexperienced you are, just go right on ahead and get your revenge.
And furthermore, because they wanted to rape your women, all of the other remaining humans on earth must die in a brutally violent fashion. Don't worry. It's not like they could be traumatized, or browbeaten into going along with it or anything. They're not really people.
Thor: If you find an orphaned child of your enemies, leave it for dead. It'll get just get jealous of your real kid and conspire against you.
UHF: Donating to the less fortunate will ruin your life.
Watchmen: You can't make a movie without someone falling to his knees to deliver a gratuitous Big "NO!".
Slow motion automatically makes everything awesome. See also 300, The Matrix, and any film made in the past ten years. Every action scene must have slow motion, and a "whooshing" sound for those too stupid to recognize that they're looking at something moving slow.
Wait...no "In a world where physical gods exist, the only way to create world peace and prevent the deaths of millions...is to kill thousands and blame it on an aforementioned god"?
That was the actual Aesop.
Don't bother to even try to make any part of the world or even society in general a better place. Even if you had God-Mode Sue level powers its wouldn't stop or change the events of history (even though it should) because the future is set in stone and absolutely Nothing can truly change it.
The smarter you are the more forever alone you are.
Prostitutes are horrible people who abuse their children.
What Happens In Vegas: Marry for money and when you don't love your spouse, stay together. Eventually, you'll start loving each other again.
Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins: Hey you may be one of the most successful members of our family, but you forgot where you came from! Yes, we teased you, picked on you, and made you feel like complete and utter crap. But hey, proving us that you could become more than a walking Butt Monkey is just not right because you were just competitive with everyone that bet you could be nothing but a piece of crap anyways.
Oh hey, you sent me a new tv too! But I don't need a generous gift from my own son because my old busted tv works fine, and it's because the tv is new fangled and came from someone who forgot where he came from.
Zardoz: THE GUN IS GOOD, THE PENIS IS EVIL!!!! GO FORTH AND KILL!!!!
THE GUN IS GOOD, THE PENIS IS EVIL, THE ACID IS AWESOME!!!
Zoolander: Binge and purge, girls, and you'll end up looking like Christine Taylor.
But you'll still have a disease. And women feel bad about eating disorders, but men never do.