Wall Bangers: X-Men

See here for the films.
  • If Chuck Austen is loathed for any one thing (though there are many), then it's the storyline known as "The Draco" from his run on Uncanny X-Men. Here's a summary: it turns out Nightcrawler is the son of a demon named Azazel. No, wait, Azazel's just an immortal mutant who was banished to an alternate dimension, and it turns out that the angels and demons of Biblical myth were all early mutants. Oh, and Archangel's one of them, so his blood burns Nightcrawler. The problems with this:
    • Until then, Nightcrawler was a devout Catholic, and his demonic looks were supposed to be ironic.
    • Real Biblical angels and demons canonically exist in the Marvel Universe!
    • The entire plot of the Draco involved Kurt's devil-lookin' daddy teleporting out of Limbo to knock up women to sire him some teleporting young'uns that he can use to... get out of Limbo? Yeah, you read that right.
    • It turns out Nightcrawler's entire religious education and time as a priest was part of a brainwashing operation by an anti-mutant group that also hates the Catholic Church. They planned to get Nightcrawler installed as the Pope and then have his image inducer fail so he can be "revealed" as the Antichrist, while they simulate the Rapture using communion wafers that dissolve those who imbibe them.
    • From the same story: "Your power to detonate the air into superhot plasma, and, when pushed, to blow up people's brains from the inside, cannot affect me! I have stitched my eyes shut!" It's a paraphrase, but that's exactly what happened in-story. Luckily, Iceman then casually kills the villain in question by sucking out her body's moisture.
    • The "fake Rapture via disintegrating communion wafers" needs further explanation to understand the sheer, raw, blistering fail of it all. After a bunch of X-Men are lynched, the X-Men track the lynchers back to a church that Nightcrawler says made him a priest. Turns out he was made a priest by an insane Catholic sect (with its own pope!) as part of the most circuitous plan in the history of supervillains: Nightcrawler would be made a priest (done!)note  and then he would be made pope (how?)note ; then they would have his hologram projector fail and reveal him to be a mutant and "the devil" and then use bioweapons hidden in communion wafers across the nation to stage a false Rapture. After this, mutantkind would be hunted down and killed (why?), and mankind would turn to the Church of Humanity to find salvation (why?) after western civilization falls... for some reason. Now, presumably, if you have ever read an X-Men comic or, you know, a book in your life, then you understand all the flaws in this plan... for instance, Catholics don't believe in the Rapture... but beyond that, it raises a myriad of questions it utterly fails to answer. What happened to the rest of the communion wafers? (You know, the ones in the other churches.) How did this sect get its own pope? Why was this pope female? Why Nightcrawler? Why not any other mutant? (Okay, those last two can be guessed.) Why, just why?
    • And then we have Iceman shattered in thousand of pieces. The other X-Men come up with a plan to revive him: "Well, both ice and the human body are made mostly of liquids, so why don't we all just urinate on his remains?" Squick. Basically, Ice-Man just revived himself after overhearing that plan.

  • X-Men Angel and Husk hooking up, flying up in the sky, and having sex right in front of everyone, including Husk's mother.

    "Angel, son, I just want you to know that what you are doing is normal. Perfectly normal and natural."

  • A small wallbanger in the greater scheme of things, but many readers hated Austen's handling of Polaris. Mental issues, fine. Romance issues, fine. Turning her into a completely batshit, likely unfaithful harpy to make the muggle character he'd based on his own wife look like the perfect saintly match for Havok? Not cool.

  • Speaking of X-Men, Scott Summers marries someone who looks like Jean, and we are expected to believe that it's not a rebound. When Jean comes back, he isn't excused for abandoning his wife; but the only way the writers knew to fix it was to make Madelyne a clone of Jean. Then they not only made her immediately Ax-Crazy and evil, but also told us that she was Ax-Crazy and evil ever since Scott left.

    Then some guys Running the Asylum, declare that they didn't like Jean coming back, and order Grant Morrison to kill her off and have Scott start dating Emma over Jean's grave. To justify this, Jean's ghost made Scott forget his feelings for her to keep him from leaving the X-Men. But the way it's done makes it look as though she cares about nothing but Scott's happiness, which is not in any way what Jean was like before. Not to mention how crapily used Scott was. Not many people realize it, but Scott Summers is the Butt Monkey of the Marvel Universe. Writers LOVE doing bad things to him AND making him look bad at the same time.

  • Grant Morrison's New X-Men: The twist that Xorn (a superpowered being who was locked up in a Chinese prison for having a black hole contained in his head) was Magneto. That specific plot twist was built up for two years, and was interesting and unexpected, and done with subtle foreshadowing. You can't believe you didn't see it coming. The Man from Room X turning out to be the X-Men's biggest enemy was critically-praised and was the most interesting thing to happen to the franchise in years. The problem is how it was handled after Morrison left:
    • It turned out that it wasn't Magneto. No, Xorn just thought he was and looked just like Mags.
    • Oh, and Xorn has a brother with the same powers and the personality he pretended to have as one of the X-Men, just so that they'd still be able to use either character. The status quo IS God, huh?
    • Even worse was the way "Xorneto" acted upon The Reveal. Trashing Manhattan? OK, Magneto's done it before. But drug use? Magneto's last use of something that enhanced Mutant powers - or, rather, someone, one Fabian Cortez - backfired on him spectacularly! "Magneto" shouldn't have gone anywhere near the stuff.
    • Magneto also herded innocent Muggles into crematoriums?! The reason he got INTO villainy in the first place was being a victim of the Holocaust! While this was all relatively in line with Magneto's original characterization, it doesn't match what the character had evolved into since then. The Retcon that Magneto had nothing to do with Xorn's actions was a critical Author's Saving Throw.
    • From the classic Floating Hands production "Death Becomes Them"...
      Magneto: That wasn't me.
      Wolverine: Oh really now?
      Magneto: That was actually Xorn's evil twin brother, possessed by the sentient mold Sublime, pretending to be me, pretending to be Xorn.
      Beast: That defies all logic!
    • Then there was the time Xorn turned out to be the composite energies of all Earth's depowered mutants... somehow.

  • Also during Grant Morrison's run was the Scott/Emma/Jean love triangle. Scott, suffering from PTSD, starts doubting everything in is life, including his marriage to Jean. When Jean seeks solace in Wolverine, Emma takes advantage of the situation by offering Scott therapy lessons with her previously never-mentioned psychology degrees. Cue her then giving him 'sexual therapy' where she deals with his issues by mind sex. OK, most of the characters and readers agree this is wrong, however, they make the mistake of calling Scott out when, legally, this is rape. Scott is a patient, Emma is treating him and convinces him that sleeping with her in his mind is a good idea, that's blatantly taking advantage of someone who's in a vulnerable state. Had their genders been swapped, people would be up in arms over it. Yet nobody at all in the story calls Emma out except Jean, only for Xavier to call Jean out on this because Emma as only doing it because she's in love with Scott. Then, when Scott is tossed into another bout of depression he decides to sort everything out, only for Jean to die in battle before he could tell her how he feels, followed by Jean coming back in the future and a long convoluted series of events leading to her making Scott move on with his life and get with Emma. At no point has anyone in the various X-Men books called out Emma, who in the end is rewarded by being promoted to headmistress and co-leader of the team, on the fact she got to where she is by taking advantage of someone's mental issues and rape.

  • In Wolverine #43:
    • Wolverine was Stripped to the Bone from a blast by Nitro (yes, that Nitro). It took less than five pages for Wolverine to fully regenerate. If Wolverine could survive that, then he can survive lethal threats like being shot, stabbed, drowned, nuked, etc.; this kills some of the suspense. To add salt to the wound, after being cornered, Nitro decided to take Wolverine hostage by putting a knife up his throat after HAVING WITNESSED WOLVERINE FULLY REGENERATE FROM BEING STRIPPED TO THE BONES BY A NUKE!

      To put that in perspective: the creators of the X-Men Origins: Wolverine game considered having a scene where Wolverine was skeletonized by a nuclear meltdown and could briefly be controlled as a walking skeleton. They dropped it because it was too over-the-top. Additionally In the early 1990s, Wolverine nearly died in the "Fatal Attractions" storyline when Magneto ripped the adamantium out of his body. That's far less an injury than what Wolverine would effortlessly live through later.

      He has since been nerfed down. Shortly after the aforementioned battle against Nitro, Marvel pulled an Author's Saving Throw with a convoluted Wolverine arc, which explained that a supernatural entity (some kind of Angel of Death guardian) used to magically bring him back to life every time (after the blast from Nitro in "Civil War", after the "Fall of Avalon", during "Enemy of the State" and many other times), but only if Wolverine managed to defeat him in battle. After a conversation with this guardian, Wolverine at last told "death" that he didn't want its help anymore, even if that meant (as the guardian warned him) that his healing factor would return to what it used to be (that is, not at a "regenerating from a single cell" level).
    • An additional Wallbanger comes when Wolverine starts beating up Nitro, while he explains in his narration that he has noticed how Nitro's explosions don't harm himself. He then concludes that Nitro has a safety area around him, in which the blast doesn't effect anything. So Wolverine can beat him up because any blast wouldn't effect him from that range anymore. However, back at the beginning of Civil War, Namorita stands all of 10 centimeters away from Nitro, whom she holds against a bus. We clearly see her getting blasted to bits when Nitro causes the Stamford incident.

  • According to the 2008 Logan miniseries, on August 6, 1945, Wolverine was in Hiroshima when the nuclear bomb dropped on it. He was in the blast radius. This bomb killed 140,000 civilians, but Wolverine survived - and no one else in the blast radius did. Mark that in your history books.

  • Kyle and Yost busted out with their own Wall Banger at the start of their run on the series. Following the vast majority of mutants getting depowered (for the heinous editorial crime of having too large a population numbering about half the number of colorblind people in the world), the X-Men are handed a big ol' Idiot Ball and proceed to boot all the depowered students out of the school without protection so they can be blown up by rockets, and then leave the school undefended so a few more students can be killed. What was the plot reason for this? The writers didn't know what to do with the characters. You know, the characters they already Put on a Bus. Expect a few Back From The Deads in ten years.

    Then this follows up with Cyclops shutting the whole place down and sending all the kids home, when in reality they were just moving the team to San Francisco and would get the kids later. So why not just bring the kids with them in the first place?! Mutants are almost all gone, you'd think Cyclops and all X-Men would make sure to try to keep the few remaining young mutants left in the world as safe as possible! This leads into Trance going back to the parents who hate her and getting kidnapped by a duo of villains and needing to be rescued by Wolverine. Even worse, it leads into the first story arc of the horrid Young X-Men, where Donald Pierce, disguised as Cyclops, recruits four of these young ex-students (and some guy named Ink) and tricks them into taking down some of the New Mutants. Let's ignore the fact that two of these kids could have probably recognized a cyborg in the room, cloaking device or not, and focus on one of these kids, namely Nicholas Gleason, better known as Wolf Cub. Despite seldom getting any time in the comics, for those who paid attention, he was one of the youngest mutants remaining on the entire planet, and was a rather naive and impressionable kid, with examples being his believing Rockslide's ludicrous stories, and later on trying to act like Wolverine, right down to the speech patterns, and as the series chugged along, we saw he was really not the tough guy he was trying to be and was still just a sensible young teen. So who ends up dead in Young X-Men? Yup, Wolf Cub. One of the kids Cyclops sent back home. Except that Wolf Cub was an orphan (with hints that his parents were murdered), and he first came into Xavier's because Chamber and freaking Cyclops himself were the ones who rescued him from some mutant haters who were trying to kill him! Way to go, Cyclops, kick out a kid no older than 14 years old, one of the youngest of the very few mutants remaining on the planet, whom you know is an orphan and has no place to go, let him fend for himself in a world that mostly hates his kind, don't keep tabs on him or most of the other kids, all cause you want to play sullen hero that returns with big fanfare in a new city! The kids will be just fine in the meantime, but oops, sorry, Nicholas is dead now.

  • Following the Messiah Complex event, Kyle & Yost's New X-Men got cancelled, and a new series titled Young X-Men (written by Marc Guggenheim) came out with several of the fan favorites in the lineup. The problems:
    • The first arc features Magma, one of the New Mutants, killing New X-Men Dust by turning her to glass and shattering her. She gets reassembled and turned back later; but this leads into further Wall Banger territory. Not only does no one mention that this was all Magma's fault, but she also never apologizes for it. Oh, and Dust never fully recovers from the process and drops dead a few issues later. Dust gets revived again, but apparently the process will turn her evil and lead her to murder every single X-Men in the future. Yeah, turning a devoted Muslim evil is going to work out great!
    • It gets even worse in the New Mutants series. Illyana Rasputin, aka Magik, had previously stolen a part of New X-Men Pixie's soul during a New X-Men arc where Belasco had kidnapped the New X-Men and trapped them in Limbo. During the X-Infernus event, Pixie loses another piece of her soul to Belasco's daughter; everyone ignores the traumatized girl who just had part of her soul ripped out and only focuses on Magik. Later, Magik shows up on Earth, having escaped from Limbo, and the rest of the New Mutants welcome her back with open arms. When Pixie's teammates are understandably upset at this, the New Mutants claim, "She deserves to be here more than you do." Yeah, and Magik is laughing about it right in front of them, all the while Sunspot and Cannonball are threatening to beat the kids up if they are in any way hostile towards Magik. Once again, the New X-Men are treated like whiny children for daring to be upset at the girl who stole part of their friend's soul being welcomed back with open arms. Face meet palm.
    • Think it couldn't possibly get worse when it comes to the X-Kids and Magik? Think again. After the Purifiers mess up her teleportation ability, Magik — or rather, a demonic copy of her that Warlock has already warned the leaders isn't the real Magik — is pulled back into Limbo. After Colossus goes completely berserk over this, Cyclops agrees that they need all the teleporters they can get and says they'll get her back. How do they plan to do this? By forcing Pixie, who has a legitimate beef with Magik, to be the transport for a team to get her. Unfortunately, she is their sole remaining teleporter: Ariel and Nightcrawler are both dead, the X-Men booted out Cloak because he was a science-based mutate, and Vanisher has, um, vanished. And to top it off, Sam chews out Anole and Trance for siding with Pixie when she initially refused to go. Hey, grownups? When the kids you're supposed to be protecting and teaching have come to the conclusion that you'd let them die in a ditch to save a fake, evil copy of one of your own, and they might well be correct — you're doing the 'protecting mutantkind' thing wrong!

      Considering Kyle and Yost's involvement in Wolverine and the X-Men, the way he's depicted in X-Force under their wing, and the episode of X-Men: Evolution that introduced X-23 involving Scott getting The Worf Effect, it's fair to assume they just dislike the character, save for the subplot in another episode of Evolution that they wrote, they've yet to write him competent, likable, or even fairly.

  • In Exiles, the villain Proteus ends his Body Surf by taking over Morph. Fine. They solve this problem by brainwashing Proteus to think he's Morph. Disturbing but not unreasonable. Then they find out that, if Proteus/Morph ever learns the truth, he'll slaughter them all and then escape into the multiverse to kill every living thing everywhere. Their response? Go to the beach and hope it doesn't happen.

  • Deadly Genesis. So the third Summers brother mentioned by Mr. Sinister is finally revealed. He wants to kill everyone because Xavier sent him and some friends on a suicide mission to Krakoa to rescue the original X-Men. The original story said firmly that Xavier wouldn't send rookies to save his team when he could call his friends in the Avengers or Fantastic Four or something. This massive retcon has him sending not one, but TWO, teams of completely inexperienced mutants to rescue his students; and the second rescue team goes AFTER the first team was butchered. When Cyclops and Havok are upset that their brother was killed, Xavier erases everyone's memory of the slaughtered rescue team and creates a new version of the story in their heads. There are many reasons Xavier's behavior makes no sense. There is also no way in this version of the story for Mr. Sinister to know about the existence of the third Summers brother.

  • In the 1990s, Marvel decided to put Rogue in a romantic subplot with fellow French-speaking Southerner Gambit, which resulted in a major Character Derailment for Rogue to suit the "man of mystery" status of the Cajun. Firstly, he hinted that he might be immune to her absorption power, secondly when he was monologizing away from the others he had a deep, dark secret in his past (which later turned out that he had worked for Mr. Sinister and had been involved, albeit in a non-killing capacity, in the Mutant Massacre). Rogue got handed the Idiot Ball, and so even though Gambit continually teased her about it, she always was too scared to put the immunity hypothesis to the test by simply touching him. Which was a complete break from how she had used her power before.note  Before Claremont left, she had often absorbed other people's powers and memories, sometimes even playfully, and experience showed that it usually did not cause great problems to her or the "donors". So in order to motivate her out-of-character hesitancy or phobia Marvel decided to rewrite her origin by now declaring that Cody Robbins, the first person on whom she had (accidentally) used her power, never woke from his absorption-induced coma. Well, if that is the case and the permanent absorption of Ms. Marvel's memories that had plagued Rogue for so long, then it is understandable that she is hesitant to try touching Remy, right? Maybe, but now her entire behaviour before she met him makes sense no more. Had this happened, then Rogue must logically have concluded from the first time it was used that her absorption power always put the people she touched into a permanent coma, and thus she would not have kissed another boy shortly afterwards or her surrogate mother Mystique (both of these things happened in Classic X-Men back-up stories set in her pre-Brotherhood years).

  • The all-female X-Men team book has one in Jubilee's sheer inept parenting. Her motivation for even having Shogo (the child) is flimsy, but then she basically leaves the child with Teen Iceman and Teen Beast so that she can nap. They are teenagers from the '80s, what parenting ability do they have?! Hell, being near Iceman can't be good for a baby's health. Worst part? They never even asked for the baby! Sure, Jubilee is tired, but that doesn't mean she can just ditch the baby on anyone in her line of sight! Worst still, after the X-Men come back from forcing Teen Cyclops and Jeen to go back to their time, condemning Jeen to death, and being visibly exhausted from this, she implies she's gonna force one of them to babysit.

  • Jason Aaron's Wolverine and the X-Men is a title with very questionable quality, but it can be very mind-crushing at times with how stupid it can be, especially with the fact that it's constantly trying to push Quinten Quire as a cool jerk with a heart of gold, when he's an annoying selfish sociopath. Worst point of this though is probably when he meets Jeen for the first time, and after mentally tripping over himself over how amazing it is to meet the actual Jean Grey, he then tries to hit on her, but before he does she thanks him for treating her like a human being. What? Jean, that's the exact opposite of what he was treating you as. He acts like she's a prize for him to score and gloat about, specifically just because of how amazing she's supposed to be, and she considers this a good thing? What the hell! Sure, she's probably used to boys gawking at her, what with how things used to be back in the early days when she was the only girl, but she seems annoyed at how everyone acts like she's the messiah, and is relieved he's not treating her like that, but that's exactly how he's treating her, just a messiah he wants to sleep with.

    And then, there's the repeated times Wolverine and Cyclops have had arguments, starting from Schism and ending in issue 40, where each time, without fail, Wolverine will end the arguments with the last word in, be treated like the side we're supposed to take, and act like a hypocrite. Except, each time Wolverine's argument seems to be 'it's OK when I do bad things because I'm a bad person, but everyone else has to be perfect!' Okay, he might have, arguably, some point, but that's still unfair standards to hold people to, especially considering the two points he argues about the most are either 'you killed Xavier' or 'you let teenagers help fight villains'. Let's ignore how blatantly unfair that first argument is, especially since he himself has killed people, X-Men included, while not in control of himself and hasn't had to pay for any of that (and that he was largely responsible for the events of Avengers vs X-Men, which lead to said killing). The second point, which seems to be the big driving point between them, blatantly ignores 50 years of continuity as the X-Men have constantly taken young mutants out into battle. If he's going to get angry and compare it to child soldiers now, he's a few years (and hand-picked sidekicks) late. It's especially stupid considering that he picked this argument when the X-Men were at their Darkest Hour, and honestly didn't have much choice but to let the powerful and skilled teenagers fight since the alternative was to let themselves get slaughtered, with there being only 200 mutants left in the world, not all of them good. Oh, and how is that issue regarding Wolverine killing people addressed? Cyclops outright calls Wolverine out on his hypocrisy, and asks them to compare body counts. Cyclops: 1 Wolverine: Over 9000. How does Wolvie respond? Direct quote here: "Nobody I've killed matters." Wow.

    It gets worse during Aaron's Battle of the Atom issues, where not only does Wolverine pick a terrible time to start arguing (namely when they've just lost track of the future Brotherhood), but Storm, Kitty, and Teen!Scott get in on this as well (though, Kitty targets Magik, not Scott himself with her petty barb), the latter two being incredibly stupid choices considering that the first issue of the crossover had them working with Scott's side and actually admitting he's not as bad as Wolverine makes him out to be, making their barbs and arguments come out of nowhere, especially since it contradicts what Bendis was doing with Kitty an the O5 jumping to Scott's side. Hell, Kitty gives Magik a hug in the final issue, and the two have massive amounts of Les Yay after (as always).

  • Origin II became this in the last two issues, the resulting Plot Twists making the entire series a waste of fucking time. It's revealed that Clara, the Friend to All Living Things that Wolverine falls for, is in fact Creed's sister... Wait, then why the hell would she call him Creed?! Seriously, who calls their sibling by a shared last name?! Then, after Logan kills the guy (for some reason thinking this would please Clara), we learn that, no, he wasn't Victor Creed, but a completely not-mentioned-until-now little brother! Genius! Except Logan didn't seem to forget killing him, so why would he not in some way recognise Victor years later when they met? They look the same and have the same power set and last name! The only justification is that Logan's Healing Factor suppressed the memories, like with the events of Origin, but these events aren't nearly as traumatic as killing your first love, father, and being hunted by your home town! If anything, it lessens the value of the original story, since apparently anything will cause Logan's healing factor to suppress memories. Furthermore, it is completely unknown what happened to Clara Creed, who, for all intents and purposes, is as immortal as Victor and Logan, barring beheading and drowning, and given her life (animal handler), neither would make sense unless Victor killed her, which just adds to the wall's impact crater.

    Also, this story retcons that Sabretooth was an abusive older brother, regularly pouring acid onto Lil Creed's face, and making him do it to Clara (who did not have a Healing Factor yet, thus making the scars permanent) once to get out of it! This is a man who was previously established to care deeply for his loved ones, at least before his Face-Heel Turn, and had to literally chew his own arm off because his father chained him up in the basement! He visited his mom until her death, and his whole reason for hating Logan is that he lost his happy ending because of him! And now he was apparently never a good person... Furthermore, Clara's scars should have healed! The mutant healing factor Logan and Victor's families possess does not need the wound to be from after their powers manifested. A case could be made for the wound being chemically inflicted, but we've seen the Howlett and Creed families' bodies reject foreign substances and material, so Clara at the very least shouldn't be blind in one eye.

    To fully complete the circle of pointlessness and send one's head through the wall, the comic was implied to show the meeting between Logan and Victor, with a grinning, fanged mouth with golden hair shown on a cover, and a solicitation saying "Enter: CREED", and in no way does. In fact, it's quite obvious that this story in no way affected the two characters. Five issues just became worthless because the writer wanted a twist. Worse still, this was blatantly trolling, because it's pretty obvious that readers are reading to learn about the first meeting between two arch-nemesis! The air of smugness around the comic is absurd. The question has to be asked: What was this the origin of? The first series was actually Logan's origin story; how his powers manifested, his real name, his home life, and why he can't remember parts of his life. This series explains absolutely nothing about anything and raises more questions than it answers!