Wall Bangers: Comic Books
A reader will often expect cool things to happen within the pages of a comic book. It doesn't always work out that way. No Real Life examples including Executive Meddling and Fan Dumb. Those belong on their own pages.
Works with their own pages:
Works with their own pages:
- Archie Comics' Sonic the Hedgehog
- Marvel Comics
- DC Comics
- Newspaper Comics
open/close all folders
- The Star Wars Expanded Universe comic Requiem for a Rogue involves a truly idiotic artifact: an ancient temple that lets people control wild beasts with evil Sith music!
- There are TIE Interceptors - fast, fiddly spaceships - made out of wood and piloted by those wild beasts controlled by evil Sith music. Everything about "Requiem" was bad. It marred an otherwise fine series and killed characters who had been around for a while.
- From earlier in the series, "The Rebel Opposition" was the first arc. The general idea was Stackpole's, but it was written by Baron, who... oy. Tycho Celchu, mildly famous Rebel, goes undercover as an Imperial while using his real name and real planet of origin. The colorist can't be bothered to remember if it's night or day. A Wookiee hits a flying TIE with a stick◊, and it blows up. Reportedly, Stackpole was angry about the stuff Baron came up with.
- Oh, Wallbangery in Star Wars gets better with the "The Clone Wars" Volume comics. The FIRST issue already had gaping plotholes. The Banking-Clan was found building separatist battle cruisers in their shipyards, so the Jedi proposed to destroy it. All fine and good, but Palpatine gives the explanation that the Banking-Clan is neutral in the war and an attack on their ships would make them side with the Confederacy. This would be the Banking Clan whose chairman San Hill verbally signed on with Dooku in "Attack of the Clones" while Obi-Wan was watching. That makes them about as neutral as the Trade Federation.
- It seems that in Star Wars: The Clone Wars cartoon series, the Trade Federation was still part of the Republic and disavowed Nute Gunray while one of the Holonet News broadcasts seemed to have a neutral/Republic supporting Techno Union guy. It may be that the Commerce Guilds had internal divisions with regard to the war (or more likely, maintain a veneer of plausible deniability to play both sides against the middle and exploit the situation for maximum profitability).
- A storyline in Peanuts has Charlie Brown goes up to bat, wherein he loses the game because he got distracted by the fact that the Red-Haired Girl is watching him. What cheesed me off was the fact that, on the third pitch, Charlie was clearly looking the other way when the pitcher threw the ball. In other words, the pitcher deliberately threw the ball when Charlie had his back turned. And that somehow counts as strike three?! If you ask me, it provides proof of my theory that the reason Charlie Brown's team keeps losing is that the other teams are cheaters.
- For extra concussion, see the Wall Banger section on Western Animation. The Peanuts animated 'toons cranked it up to eleven.
- The New Power arc from the W.I.T.C.H comic series easily qualifies. Sure, it's a simple "new, more powerful bad guy shows up, so characters get a power boost" story on the outside; but the details are enough to make your head spin and wonder what they were thinking! Probably the worst of the wall-banging points would be having Matt Olsen, the boyfriend of main character Will Vandom, go from guitar-playing normal guy to sage-like person who's from Kandrakar DESPITE having a family on Earth AND knowing the team's secret since day one, before Will told him; and he acts like a jerk and is utterly cryptic while training them. And it isn't until Yan Lin gets through to the girls near the end that they get their act together and defeat their foe. And now, most of the children of Heatherfield are magic-endowed — NOT just the girls! Ladies and gentlemen, the shark has been jumped!
- The quality of Alien vs. Predator comics varies wildly... but Alien vs. Predator vs. Terminator has a moment of brain imploding super handwaving that results in INSTANT head desk. Following the events of Alien: Resurrection, the writers clearly felt a need to reconcile the two continuities. Ready for it? The characters find a message from John Connor explaining the threat from the Terminator that's spoiling everyone's day - naturally, he exposits on Skynet, Judgement Day and the like. Someone comments they missed, oh, the whole genocide of humanity by sentient machines and reduction of most of the world to rubble. What possible explanation could there be for almost the entire human race being oblivious to this? MILITARY COVER UP!
- Who would do this? The military would be the Resistance who just spent their lives living in the dirt, eating garbage, and trying to stop the machines. A reaction akin to that in the Dune universe seems infinitely more likely than a cover up. No one alive is going to want to cover this up.
- Why would anyone do this? Given that "never forget" was etched into the minds of every single participant of World War II AND pretty much that entire generation and is still an enduring sentiment, and given that Judgement Day and the war against Skynet would be something that everyone was directly involved in, the notion that there wouldn't be acres and acres of memorials and monuments to the fallen is absurd.
- How would anyone do this? Let's assume that there is some group of crazy machine lovers who want to hide the war. Earth got nuked to dust, billions of people died - covering that up would be impossible.
- Where would you get the resources to accomplish this feat? What about the billions of corpses, what about the cities in ashes, what about the vast skull-strewn wastelands, what about the millions and millions of Skynet robots now dormant, what about the vast, sentient factories the size of cities that produced Machine warriors day and night and were mentioned in the movies, comics and novels? Where did all of this go? Into the ether?
- Youngblood: Judgement Day by Alan Moore. One of the team members, Knightsabre, is accused of murdering another member, Riptide, and is put on trial. It is eventually revealed that the team leader, Sentinel, killed her for trying to take a book that dictates the events of the universe by whatever is written in its pages; the book itself has a storied history of being found, used to change history, and lost or stolen by countless owners. The Wallbanger comes in upon learning how the Book of All Stories works: if one can dictate the future by writing in its pages, WHY OR HOW WOULD ANYONE EVER LOSE POSESSION OF IT AGAINST THEIR WILL??? When people wrote their life stories into the book, didn't they think to put safeguards in to make sure that no one took the book — something like "and a magic force field went up around the book whenever X wasn't using it, preventing anyone from even knowing it existed"? (Add in an immortality clause, and things could get really fun.)
- The creator of the book was a Trickster God who intended his "gift" to spread chaos and mayhem on Earth. This means it's probable that the Book is intended to change owners repeatedly... if it could be infallibly sequestered from loss or theft, it would rapidly stop being a random factor and instead just become a tool for one particular entity's total domination of the world, which is boring! For that matter, the creator is still out there, and no one save Glory and his fellow deities even know he exists, so none of the book's owners could possibly be on their guard against him. He could just show up and arrange for the book's loss or theft whenever it had stayed too long in one place.
- From a Gears of War comic: The cities on the Jacinto Plateau (the one place the Locust can't dig) still allow women in its Gears, although they are strongly encouraged to have kids everywhere else. Girls are locked up in breeding farms when they turn 14. The girls are artificially inseminated; if that doesn't work, then they are gang-raped; if they turn 18 and still have no kids, then they are sent to the front lines. This makes literally no sense — why would they ever allow them into the military short of the abovementioned conscription if they consider having them breed that high a priority... and why would they consider having them breed that high a priority right now when the entire human race at this point could be wiped out tomorrow and render the entire thing moot? The sane thing to do would be to force any able-bodied man, woman and child into the military to keep the Locust from flooding Jacinto and killing everyone. Worry about breeding later.
- This is an ill-considered compromise between the much-loathed Karen Traviss novel Aspho Fields and its breeding farms, and the games, which have outright rubbished this concept from Day One, with Anya being a communications officer and Lieutenant from the start of the first game — clumsily retconned in Aspho Fields as being due to her being infertile — Gears of War 2 establishing that there are female Gears in such a way that any unvoiced generic Gear throughout the series could have been female, and the upcoming Gears of War 3 prominently featuring new female characters in its trailer. Exactly why there was a need to compromise between these two things — roughly akin to compromising between lunch and disgusting, decaying, disease-ridden offal by making the offal into a sandwich — is unclear to anyone with half a brain.
- The EC Comics series Piracy had a Wall Banger in its first issue — "Shanghaied" tells the story of a ship captain who was shanghaied twelve years earlier, and finds Mike, the "crimp" who'd originally kidnapped him, in a batch of unconscious men another crimp is trying to sell him. After telling the crimp how Mike had kidnapped him, his torturous life growing into the role of a sea-man, and his years-long quest to track Mike down, the ship captain approaches Mike as he awakens and... shakes his hand and THANKS HIM FOR HAVING MADE A MAN OUT OF HIM!!!
- Okay, the Captain may have grown into the role of a sea-man, and a successful one at that, but this Mike, plus any other crimp in the business, has been basically kidnapping people and selling them into slavery, often into a job they had no training whatsoever for. On top of that, Piracy, and many other EC Comics stories concerning early life on board a ship, are filled with stories rotating around how the captain is Captain Bligh reborn, so Mike's victims may have wound up being brutally tortured and murdered.
- The Future Shark Trilogy (#42-44) in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures completely screwed up Shredder's story for the entire series by saying the Shredder in that trilogy had been brought to the future from all the way back in Issue Four. How Shredder returned to the past is never explained for the next two years before the series was canceled. But the real Wall Banger is: Why would Shredder spare Splinter in Issue 36 when the Turtles reminded him of saving him from Krang in Issue 25, because that was the Shredder from the future in #36, and getting possessed by Krang wouldn't have happened to him yet... Ow, time travel hurts the brain.
- The Comic Book Legal Defense Fund once had several comic writers pen short stories for a PSA comic encouraging people to donate. One of those writers was Garth Ennis. His short story consisted of The Boys sadistically torturing and mutilating DC and Marvel heroes and telling the readers that if they donate, they can see even more of that. It's bad enough when he uses superheroes as Chew Toys in his regular comics, but this?! Not only is it stupid and sophomoric, but it's a slap in the face to the very worthy organization that asked him to deliver a message about freedom of speech. This was far more likely to discourage people from donating.
- In "The Pro", Ennis wrote his prostitute superhero (yes, that is what the story is about, a prostitute who is given superpowers) giving a thinly-veiled expy of Superman a blowjob and encouraged him to not be so boy-scouty all the time. That's what he writes. Also, Ennis has issues with religion too, not just with superheroes. She also bitches that superheroes should have improved the world because she sucks dick to feed her kid, because that's clearly their fault.
- Simpsons Comics #47 took Lisa's attitude as a liberal Strawman to heights far worse than on the TV show. Bart starts a "fish log" business during school lunch that all the kids love, leading to them getting better grades (since fish is brain food!) and spending their extra money across town, skyrocketing Springfield's economy. Everyone's happy except Skinner, since it's taken away the cafeteria revenue that the school somehow can't run without, so he shuts down the school four months early to take away Bart's customers — unknowingly sending the kids rioting through the town since they have nothing to do (no summer movies or water parks open yet) and they aren't getting lunch money to spend. Thirty years later, everyone who benefitted from Bart's business is willing to give him his needed organ donation, and Lisa scolds them all, claiming he doesn't deserve it since he was just being selfish the whole time. Let's forget that Lisa basically said her own brother's life didn't deserve to be saved - Bart starts a successful enterprise that the city benefits from, Skinner responds with an abuse of city power that ruins everything, and Lisa claims the near-destruction of the town was Bart's fault?
- In Chuck Billy'n'Folks, a major source of this is Chuck's girlfriend, Rosie Lee, who went from a Shrinking Violet to Clingy Jealous Girl. Case in point, one comic, where it was photo day at Chuck's school, had Chuck meeting a new girl at school and Rosie Lee accusing Chuck of cheating on her (her argument being that Chuck was all groomed up). Chuck says it's photo day and she doesn't believe him, saying that photo day was the next day, calls him a liar and breaks up with him on the spot. Then she starts being passive-agressive with Chuck for the remainder of the story. Then when Chuck's about to answer a question asked by his teacher, Rosie Lee says "Showing off for the new girlfriend?", prompting Chuck to make a joke. Then he has to clean up the erasers, Rosie Lee finds out that photo day was, in fact, that day, and that the girl Chuck was talking to already had a boyfriend. The Wall Banger is not really Rosie Lee's behavior, but how Easily Forgiven she was. She just came to Chuck and said "Can you forgive me for doubting you?". Chuck just accepts the apology, and no one calls out on her behaviour.
- Another story also had Chuck wanting to be a farmer like his father, and Rosie Lee called him out for not having any ambition. After a while, she mutters that she will never have a doctor or a engineer husband. Then Chuck starts thinking of a new career that will please both him and Rosie Lee. Yes, because changing your career plans just because your girlfriend doesn't think it's prestigious is a good thing, isn't it?
- One Monica's Gang comic had Smudge and a one-time bully named Jota playing Marbles, then Smudge winning all of Jota's marbles, and he demands a rematch. Only he doesn't have any more marbles, so he snatches Smudge's bag of marbles, to which Smudge calls him out on, then he just threatens Smudge saying those are HIS marbles and that he can lend Smudge one. Smudge then wins all of his marbles back and Jota, being a Sore Loser, pulls an I Surrender, Suckers and steals Smudge's bags AGAIN and runs away. When Monica learns of it, Jota makes up that Smudge told him he'd find a fatty to beat him up and Monica instantly turns on Smudge and beats HIM up. Jeremiah falls for Jota's Wounded Gazelle Gambit, Smudge's dad gives money for new marbles but Smudge is disappointed he won't scold Jota for it and then Smudge decides to confront Jota, who remains a Smug Snake taunting him about the whole situation. Smudge finally had enough and beats Jota up and gets his marbles back. Then Jota starts crying like a baby and Smudge just gives away the bag of marbles and leaves. And as if nothing happened, Jota walks to Smudge and invites him for a friendly game of marbles. That's it. The bully that acted like a lying cheat is Easily Forgiven and the story ends there. What would have been a great message about fighting your own battles instead ends up with a poorly executed message of forgiving your enemies.