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This is a "Wild Mass Guess" entry, where we pull out all the sanity stops on theorizing. The regular entry on this topic is elsewhere. Please see this programme note.
Squirrel Girl

Squirrel Girl doesn't have squirrel powers.
Those are trained squirrels. She's Veruca Salt. After being thrown down the garbage chute she became obsessed with getting an army of squirrels. Daddy got her one squirrel, but she traveled the world, getting more squirrels to join her and she trained them to attack whoever she doesn't like. She went through Character Development and chose to be a superhero later.

Squirrel Girl doesn't have squirrel powers.
Squirrels have Squirrel Girl Powers.

Squirrel Girl is the 616 universe's Taylor Hebert
  • Specifically, she's Taylor if she grew up in the slightly Lighter and Softer Marvel universe.
    • Has the power to control small, seemingly insignificant animals? Check
    • Has defeated major supervillains with little more than brains and her powers? Check
    • Is a Memetic Badass of such a high order that she makes Physical Gods tremble? Check

Squirrel Girl is the daughter of the Beyonder.
Her powers have not fully manifested themselves, but she unconsciously warps reality around herself. This allows the fourteen year old girl to beat heavy hitters of the Marvel universe who should otherwise mop the floor with her.
  • Word of God is that her Squirrel powers are her only powers. How much of that you believe is up to you. Maybe she's the Marvel Universe counterpart of Teela Brown, and was just Born Lucky. Maybe the real revelation is that squirrels have unconscious reality warping powers!

In relation to the above, Squirrel Girl is A Beyonder.
She came from Beyond, where the others stay and watch from the darkness, and her ignorance of the Universe is what makes Moody and Gloomy comics so Alien and stupid to her. Her powers are dimmed by her human form, but make no mistake; She is the one of the most powerful beings in the Universe.

Squirrel Girl's real power is Plot Armor.
This is a minor power for almost all superheroes but she has made it her primary tool. That squirrel stuff is stage dressing, she would still win of she spent the entire time naked, bound and gagged and at the bottom of a volcano.

Squirrel Girl is a student of Miaowara Tomokato, the Samurai Cat.
Tomokato was the original practitioner of the martial art based on the Dark Side of Absurdity, which allows the wielder to exercise effective omnipotence and beat any foe, however cosmic, but only if the audience is laughing. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Add in that Tomokato is himself a time-traveling and parallel-timeline-travelling anthropomorphic furry animal, and that his first candidate as his protege (his nephew Shiro) is a hideously unlikeable psychopathic brat, and its not unlikely that at sometime throughout his wanderings through all time and space, he met the utterly charming Doreen and decided that she was a more worthy successor to his school. (The character of Miaowara Tomokato is from the Samurai Cat novels by Mark E. Rogers).
  • Supporting this is that its canonical that among the very long list of fictional realities Samurai Cat has visited is Hyperborea, which as we all know is part of the ancient past of the Marvel Universe. So he is entirely capable of having traveled to Earth-616.

Abilities pertaining to Squirrels are the ultimate power.
Power over Squirrels is no laughing matter, Doctor Doom, Maelstrom, MODOK, Terrax, and Thanos never really had a fighting chance. An army of Squirrels is far more formidable than any force of Doombots, Hydra, Skrull, or Mutants. Thank god Squirrel Girl is on our side or we would all be kneeling before our tiny furry Squirrel overlords.

Squirrel Girl is the daughter of The Janitor
Undefeatable squirrel army? Mighty fearitude? Please. It's obvious.
  • She's got such an affinity for squirrels because she's training to lead an uprising against her father, for the safety of squirrels everywhere (let's hope she never hears about him trading his squirrel army for a stuffed dog).
  • The first thing she and her mom did after moving to hide from The Janitor after he discovered them plotting rebellion was change their names.

Squirrel Girl's using an infinite loop.
Obviously, she has Earthcraft, Squirrel's Nest, and a Forest in play.

Squirrel Girl's secret is she's a DC character trapped in the Marvel Universe
She's able to do everything she does witha happy-go-lucky outlook on life, is confident, well-adjusted and straightforward, and manages to do it all with no Angst. The excessive Angst typical of Marvel characters, such as Speedball becoming Penance, drives her crazy. If she was in the DC Universe, she'd be utterly unremarkable and typical.
  • This explains why she can't die either. When Marvel and DC do a crossover, they aren't allowed to kill each others characters. So, no matter how deep a hole Marvel puts Squirrel Girl in, she's gonna get out because she's a just a DC guest character.
  • It's obvious that Squirrel Girl is from the only active comics title with a Golden/Silver Age sensibility — Astro City. She fits in perfectly with characters like Jack-In-The-Box and the Furst Family, and wouldn't be out of place if she joined Honor Guard. This is why Batman sent her to the Marvel Universe. 1: If they fought the universe would implode. 2: He doesn't want the competition. 3: He doesn't want the smiles. She could go home but LIKES Marvel better for some reason.

Squirrel Girl is Doom's next target.
The closest thing Doom has to a gimmick is stealing the powers of superbeings (Silver Surfer, Galactus, Beyonder, Haruhi Suzumiya). Doom seeks to steal the power of the being that defeated him with mere squirrels. Surely such power would be the best weapon in his neverending battle against RICHARDS!

Forcing Squirrel Girl to learn the word "impossible" will rob her of her powers.
She accidentally blabs about it during a battle with MODOK. Her real power is Clap Your Hands If You Believe. She just believes she has squirrel powers, and is too awesome to lose

The Thanos Squirrel Girl defeated was neither a clone, nor the real thing.
He was a Skrull and possibly anal.
  • The Watcher confirmed without a doubt that the Thanos she defeated was the true Thanos. Except Thanos said he could create clones that could fool even the Wactcher. Besides, even if the Thanos she defeated WAS a clone that still is an INCREDIBLE defeat considering how powerful he is.

From Mighty God King: Squirrel Girl is Ratatoskr
In essence, Marvel is all about the Norse Mythology. Ratatoskr, a squirrel, is a relatively minor figure who relays messages between the top and bottom of Yggdrasil. The comment in question isn't too specific, but I think we're supposed to make something of the fact that, despite the 'messages' being primarily insults, Ratatoskr came out of it all okay, without any maiming, or the like.

Squirrel Girl will be directly responsible for undoing One More Day (and much more).
In the first page of the Crisis Crossover, Deadpool will provide Squirrel Girl with information about One More Day, and Squirrel Girl's fangirlish attitude towards real superheroes like Spider-Man will make her furryious, thus she embarks on her quest to defeat Mephisto, whom she defeats in the most epic and breathtaking fight ever shown. The ramifications of this event will affect the Status Quo of the entire Marvel Universe. Firstly, it will reveal that Peter Parker never sold his soul to the devil, he just divorced Mary Jane and accepted his child with her like any normal, sane, goodhearted person would do. Secondly, it will show that all of Reginald Hudlin's work of Black Panther will be revealed as a patriotic Wakandian's own deal with Mephisto in a foolish attempt to make Wakanda greater than it was. Thirdly, it will reveal that Norman Osborne and Aunt May, who were both revived during the Clone Saga, are really was clones all along, made by none other than Mephisto.

Squirrel Girl has some relation to the Lady of Pain
The Lady of Pain and Squirrel Girl are both, mysteriously, more powerful than just about anything else in their respective multiverses. And one source theorizes the Lady of Pain is six squirrels and a ring of levitation. Obviously this means they're cross-dimensional equivalents or possibly Squirrel Girl is the Lady's daughter.
  • Given that Squirrel Girl can command squirrels, and we are here assuming that the Lady of Pain is, in fact, squirrels, it is more likely that Squirrel Girl is The Man Behind the Man to the Lady Of Pain. Obfuscating silliness?

Squirrel Girl really is half squirrel.
Her mother made up the "mutant" story to hide the shame of the Interspecies Romance she doesn't like to talk about.[1]

Squirrel Girl really is a super powerful meta-human...
It's just that she's gotten so sick of the world that had become such a bleak, dark angsty place that she's decided that if she had to save the world, she might as well be a Bunny-Ears Lawyer and have some fun with it. In other words, sort of an Anti-Superboy Prime.

Squirrel Girl isn't a girl with squirrel-like mutations, she's a squirrel with human-like mutations.
Her mother is adoptive.

Squirrel Girl's mutation is a result of her mother eating a radio-active hazelnut during her pregnancy.
This is why Squirrel Girl's lips taste like hazelnuts

Squirrel Girl will be reinvented as a Darker and Edgier Anti-Hero when a sufficiently bad enough writer gets their grimy hands on her.
Given Marvel's track record in recent years, it's inevitable. Soon, SG teams up with The Punisher. They Fight Crime.

Squirrel Girl's father is Chuck Norris.
Because Rule of Cool. Her mother is Unohana.

Squirrel Girl's true power is Reality Warping to follow the Rule of Funny
So long as she keeps the situation completely ridiculous, she can make anyone her bitch. Since commanding squirrels always makes the fight weird, she can beat Doctor Doom and the like.

Squirrel Girl's power comes from having Spiral Power
Because no one else in the Marvel Universe has access to Spiral Energy, she's the most powerful being in it. She also expresses her Spiral Power in a slightly different way, just by being upbeat, cheerful, and genuinely happy, rather than hot-blooded. In other words? She's Nia, but with squirrels.

Thanos was lying.
If his duplicates can supposedly fool even the Watcher, he can remain tecnically undefeated from the point of view of anyone in-universe. Mostly, he just didn't want to admit that he got his butt kicked by a girl with a fluffy tail.

Squirrel Girl's so powerful because the Marvel Universe runs on the Dwarf Fortress engine.
Someone made the squirrels too hardcore.

There are super-squirrels.
She controls these squirrels, and they have the best powers: invincibility, invisibility, creating alcohol, giving people a temporary Weaksauce Weakness...

Squirrel Girl is Haruhi Suzumiya

She just doesn't know it yet.

Squirrel Girl was trained by ninja squirrels
That's why she's so tough. Her squirrel powers are her only powers. It's just that she was trained to use the squirrel version of chakra...wouldn't be surprised if (power wise) she's their Naruto.

The past incident between Wolverine and Squirrel Girl
It was one of those fights because of misunderstandings Marvel heroes get into. Squirrel Girl handed Logan the absolute worst beating he's ever had. He doesn't like to remember it, and she feels bad she hurt another hero so badly, so they never want to talk about it.

Squirrel Girl is the child of two powerful mutants.
It's not her powers themselves that make her so powerful, it's the latent potential hiding in her genes that does it.

Squirrel Girl is a yet unheard of Cosmic Entity.
She's the Cosmic Entity that embodies Optimism. The reason why Earth-616 is a Crapsack World now is because she's abandoned her post/been sealed away. Earth-1610 is even worse off because she was killed instead of simply sealed in a human form. Though it could be the reverse-Earth-616 is such a Crapsack World that Squirrel Girl(aka Optimism) came into being because the balance between optimism and pessimism was out of wack

Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu? only applies in one-on-one fights
If, say, Doctor Doom and Magneto ever attacked her both at once, that might beat her.

The reason Squirrel Girl can defeat every ultrapowerful supervillain is due to allergies.
For reasons unexplained, every villain in the Marvel universe is allergic to squirrel fur. Yes, even Thanos.

Squirrel Girl is a time traveler
She's actually a hero from the Silver Age, not the Modern Age.

She is S.H.I.E.L.D.s contingency plan for The Sentry
No other person that could last any length of time is the Hulk, but he's not as cooperative.

Magneto will attempt to recruit her into the Brotherhood
Y'know, being not only a mutant but also the single most powerful being in the universe.

Squirrel Girl will have a dramatic death for the purposes of Marvel's random Angst Arcs
Much alike Pixie's death brought mutant human conflict to a head in Xmen: Destiny. Squirrel Girl will at some point be killed off and carried in the arms of another hero as a way to begin one of Marvel's multiple depressing story arcs. It also may be a potential for a writer to get rid of her from the Marvel Universe because of her Lethal Joke Character status. It won't stick because it never sticks.
Spider-WomanWMG/ComicsUltimate Marvel

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