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This is a "Wild Mass Guess" entry, where we pull out all the sanity stops on theorizing. The regular entry on this topic is elsewhere. Please see this programme note.
Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise

...and The Time-Lapse is his TARDIS.
  • From where do you know how his time machine is called?
  • The Time-Lapse doesn't resemble the TARDIS from far away. It doesn't have the Bigger on the Inside thing, and it works more H. G. Wells style, but with space travel included.
  • Alternatively, Aperture Science ŕ la Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise is the predecessor to the Time Lords' species, and they all are using the model of the Business Magnet and the technologies of both The Time-Lapse and any Aperture product with portals inside for their own shenanigans.
  • No. I have a better WMG. The Business Magnet is Lord English, and Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise is Homestuck retold through his mind, with OFU Portal: The 4th Millennium Edition being equivalent to Act 7 (the Warweary Serket/Lord English dies) and the other parts being original.
    • And how precisely...?
      • His class in Sburb is Lord and he is in a one player session.
    • HOMESTUCK RETOLD THROUGH CALIBORN'S MIND IS CALLED HOMOSUCK YOU DIPSHIT.
      • Listen, so what are we going to do about a certain series by ASBusinessMagnet called Caliborn's Stories?

Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise was actually made up by GLaDOS.

After the events of Portal 2 and Peer Review, GLaDOS was still not quite satisfied with the society she founded, and instead she made up an ideal society with herself as the ruler of the world and married to a perfect substitute for Cave Johnson. That also explains how Chell, the dangerous mute lunatic, is Always Chaotic Evil and Wheatley, the dumbest moron who ever lived, gets little to no appearances at all.

Okay.

The Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise is pure GLaDOS sarcasm.

NEXT.
  • Or probably we're just dealing with a Portal fan with a heart made for GLaDOS.
  • GLaDOS deliberately wanted to make the Business Magnet into a Marty Stu so that he would look like a self-insert while she would go on unnoticed.
    • Why there is a problem in GLaDOS making herself into a self-insert? She is already a canon Portal series character.
      • There is no problem in GLaDOS making herself into a self-insert, there is a problem in GLaDOS making herself into a Mary Sue.

Alternatively, it was made up by Violet Beauregarde.

The events of Violet and the Horrible Fanfic Writer are what really happened, with Violet having a series of prophetic and increasingly confusing dreams, some of which had even made her temporarily forget she was ever Violet.
  • Except she's really Marrissa Roberts.
    • Wait, what?

There is no "Ms. Johnson-Rattmann "interdimensionalPortaller""...

How in the beginning of Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time she seems friendly and you could sympathize with her, yet in the later works this is not the case? "She" obviously is just a manifestation of the Business Magnet's good/evil/whatever side, the one who wants Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise destroyed and took the position of Chell from the real Business Magnet's fics to consciously talk to him. The conflict between them is the driving force of the franchise, which without it is just a boring alternate history.
  • You're technically correct, as Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise is a compendium of fictional works and all the characters are fictional, and hence, play out in the Business Magnet's mind.
    • sbrown? irenicPie? Marrissa? Skepkitty?
      • They're like fictional counterparts of the real characters, since the Business Magnet can't write characters in character very well and distorts their personality traits.
  • Okay how about here and here and here and here?

The "Aperture Science Business Electromagnet" and "GLaDOS for Workgroups" are past ATLAS and P-body.

Empress Contine Overseer, after seeing the Electromagnet and GLaDOS for Workgroups as a fatal threat if they started acting on their own free will's accord, took her time to restrain them, degrade them to barely functional androids (which means personality cores attached to robotic arms and legs), destroying their speech modules in the process, then dematerialize them and make them into building schemes and then send them to past GLaDOS from Land of Portal: Prelude. That also means GLaDOS is testing her future android self.
  • Didn't GLaDOS still call them "killing machines" in Peer Review? That would defeat the purpose of the whole plan.
    • For her own personal purposes.
  • Also, didn't she also mention ATLAS and P-body were based on scientific calculators?
  • And how the hell the Electromagnet and GLaDOS for Workgroups are a fatal threat to an universal empire??
    • The Electromagnet and GLaDOS for Workgroups actually use psychological methods of defeating their enemies in conjunction with brute force, and they just turn out to be people Empress Contine knew personally and was quite attached to them.
      • Shouldn't that make them not want to harm her as well?
      • Reprogramming themselves?

Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise is a modern retelling of the New Testament.

The Business Magnet is Jesus Christ. The other twelve main characters are the apostles. Chell is Judas Iscariot. Judas got the Jerusalem court people to kill Jesus (and then he was resurrected on the third day), Chell is getting ever closer to defeating the Business Magnet.
  • Just like the New Testament, Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise is composed of only-interconnected-by-plot works: the Gospel (Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time), Works of the Apostles (Project: Midnight, The Inevitable Sunset) and even an apocalyptic story (either Session #257 or Lena Bestselerovna: The Real Fail).
  • The real life author has admitted that he is an "avid" Christian and lets the Christian ideologies flow onto Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise, which could possibly even mean that the author is actually aiming for the next Middle Ages in the rise of, well, the 4th millennium.
  • Just because The Eleven is a "Last Supper" Steal we don't need to make this into a WMG.

Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise, through Weird Time Shit and Lost in Translation, became MS Paint Adventures.

The author's descendant in 2422 made the complete franchise into a conlang which is the Frog Temple hieroglyphs and sent it to the location of Jade's Island ca. 413,000,000 BC. Andrew Hussie then found them in the 2000s, hired an expert linguist to decode hieroglyphs and made them into MSPA.
  • In this list, -> means "became".
    • Empress Contine -> The Condesce/Betty Crocker
    • Sweet Chell and Hella Marrissa -> Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff
      • Though, the character Marrissa Roberts -> Marquise Mindfang.
    • The Eleven -> ten of the twelve trolls and undyingUmbrage, with Equius, Gamzee and uranianUmbra being derived from somewhere else entirely
    • "Portal 2" and "Portal 2: Episode One" parts of Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time -> Discs One and Two of Homestuck
      • Portal 2: Episode One speculated storyline even has a chapter titled "Act 2 - Raise of the Conductor's Baton".
      • Which is really a direct link to the equivalent act in Homestuck.
    • GL@DDA Magnet also seems a suitable model for the Handmaid.
    • Portal 2: The Stupidest Webcomic of All Time -> [S] Jane: Enter
  • There is still one major flaw in the idea: Decoding languages is not as easy as it seems. You would need reference to the historical, or, in this case, contemporary world, and Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise is only very loosely based on the popular culture, even inventing a "popular culture" of its own.
    • And? It still has tropes, and it's not like bringing some rocks to the geological history will make TV Tropes disappear.
      • You can't discern tropes from a language you don't understand!
      • False. You could find an example of Department of Redundancy Department by just checking for words that repeat persistently and aren't the articles or pronouns (i.e. short enough to be such).
  • No, there's another reason why sometimes the Business Magnet says something Andrew incorporates into his story later: Andrew is secretly spying on this author.
    • Yeah yeah, just as Valve.

Lydia "MinecraftChick" Winters forced the author into making up GL@DDA Magnet.

Before her involvement with Mojang she was researching psychic abilities and mind control, and made ASBusinessMagnet to become her eternal lover and make up the time traveling phantom of her timeline that we know now. Lydia was in such a cat and mouse game for two years, until the author met several others who played Minecraft, and she decided "fuck it I'm becoming a Minecraft fangirl" to the point of joining Mojang and becoming the host of MineCon 2011.

Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise will fail to relaunch on 2011-12-24.

I think this one is fairly obvious. A lawsuit from Valve.
  • This is the Business Magnet speaking, and I honestly don't care if Valve ever hands me out a lawsuit and since they stole so many things from me I should actually file a lawsuit to them, okay?
    • Such speeches will get you nowhere, Mr. Magnet. You clearly were inspired by Valve, and hence only they can take legal action upon you.
  • In all seriousness though, Valve doesn't seem to mind fan output. Portal: Prelude could simply go on its way even after the creators opened the donation link, so one could guess Valve's opinion on fanwork is "as long as it increases our number of sales".
  • Well, it seems this is now jossed.

The Business Magnet is neo-Communist.

First there is the epilogue to Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time, claiming the next fic will be set in "the Soviet Union", even though the real Soviet Union should have dissolved thirty-eight years ago, then there is the prologue to The Inevitable Sunset, where one of the Business Magnet's works is "that Gorbachev never became the General Secretary of the Soviet Union Communist Party and hence Lithuanian Sąjūdis never formed and hence the Soviet Union survived until this day", which is pretty obvious neo-Communism.
  • Not to mention the parody of the January Events (Lithuania vs. the Soviet Union) named "Session #257 1-13" (Empress Contine vs. The Shippers).
  • We just figured out that he is Christian, and communism is against religion...
    • Two sides of the Business Magnet. One Christian, and one communist.
      • So basically the same as the "There is no "Ms. Johnson-Rattmann "interdimensionalPortaller""..." WMG?
      • No. That one was about the author being split into "the Business Magnet" and "interdimensionalPortaller". This one is about the author being split into having conflicting ideologies.

"Invader GLaDOS" is Alternate Future Skepkitty.

In her timeline, ITS MY LIFE! still was written and the author had found Skepkitty's blog, but never got attached to Invader Zim, which led to a stagnation of Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise, which ABSOLUTELY MUST drain a fandom it hasn't already drained. Hence, Skepkitty went back in time, made the crappy deviations of GLaDOS as an Invader, and told Numbuh400 about it, indirectly pushing ASBusinessMagnet towards the "right" side of Invader Zim fans.
  • That is one DEVIATION. Not many DEVIATIONS. Lrn 2 grammar.
  • SkepSprite?
    • No, as that would be too much like Davesprite, and Jaspersprite too as there's the "kitty" in Skepkitty's name, and she's too much like Rose Lalonde already-
      • Skepkitty is Rose Lalonde. Or rather, her separate identity, the one who'd rather stay grimdark. Hence, Rose's and Skepkitty's descensions are one and the same.
      • Skepkitty's descension involved a crystal ball, a ray gun and a doorstopper of the dark arts. Rose's descension involved neither of these.
    • Or probably this Skep and ASBusinessMagnet were thrown into one kernelsprite, providing us with a PG-rated alternative to how Marissa had Dib fuse them!
      • Except Tavros and Vriska really were.
      • Skepkitty/Tavros OTP. I mean, alter!ASBM and Vriska already were married!
  • Skepkitty would like to mention that she approves of this theory.
    • Of which one? The one where she drew GLaDOS as an Irken, or the one where she is Rose Lalonde?
      • Of course it's the one where she is Rose Lalonde you blubbering imbecile, she responded to Irken!GLaDOS with a "No. Just... No" Reaction.
      • I mostly approve of it because it's insane.
      • You still didn't say which theory specifically you approve of. There are two under one WMG.
      • I am a creature of mystery.
  • Also did you ever realize Skepkitty is dark-haired? THE HALF-WORLD BOOK ONE COVER LIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEES.
    • Too bad. She has already latched onto it.
      • Hello? SKEPKITTY IS A HE. The entire WMG is invalidated.
      • You mean "jossed."
      • Whatever.
    • I also have arms, pupils, light skin, and better fashion sense than Homestuck!me does, just for the record.
  • And, as Division of Doom showed, Skepkitty epically failed, because Invader Zim acts as means of slowing the franchise down, not speeding it up.
  • In your "alternate timeline", was Invader Zim Born Again Christian posted?
    • Probably not? The author not being a fan of Invader Zim - different state of The Half-World, probably without Holes since there is no demand for Portal fanfics - through butterflies, Loveable Freak does not make her comment - no IZ:BAC.
      • Loveable Freak? Insane Guy of DOOM was actually inspired by his own comment on Zim Born Again.

GL@DDA Magnet isn't actually an incarnation of GLaDOS…

But rather of Zim's base/"I <3 Earth" house. Compare the color schemes of both. I dare you.
  • That also explains her strange name: Gir's Likeness @ Doomy Dooms of Aperture Magnet.
    • I thought it was Genetic Lifeform @ Didactic Deity Aversion Magnet?
      • Let's agree my title is way much catchier.
    • Also, it isn't technically "God Never Said That" but instead "God Meant to Say That but Was Never Asked".
      • Too long as a trope name.
      • Also, it's pretty much an unique case when these all people are just part of God's imagination.
  • Or Applebloom from My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.
    • I thought I already made it clear that bronies are not going to plague my WMG page.

The ITS MY LIFE! canon is the true post-Scratch Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise.

Pre-Scratch, the Business and GL@DDA Magnets are Cave and Caroline Johnsons' successors. Post-Scratch, Gabe Jonson and Caralion are Principals Business Man's and GLaDOS's successors.
  • Similarly, Marrissa Roberts is Ms. Johnson-Rattmann "interdimensionalPortaller", with the remake of canon in her own favor taken Up to Eleven. You see, she couldn't accept that she was really Chell, so, since they still shared parents, she assumed she was Chell's sister instead.
    • And Wheatley is her husband, corresponding to the author's intentions of making Wheatley Chell's mate in her own fics.
      • Jossed by The Chronicles of DA S Us, as there Chell, Marissa Roberts and "Principle" InterdimensionalPortaller are three distinct characters.
    • And THOSE JERK ROBOTS Altas and P-Boy had a similar problem, not being able to accept they were really Principals Business Man and GLaDOS, and hence their character development went haywire with their discovery of drugs and beer.
    • And the Blue Portals Development Centre made its way in as Teen Fortress 2, with the favorite Captains Ersatz Denis and Carla Grants re-appearing as Scout and Pyro.
      • And Pyro later realized herself as Tanya Lockwood, just as 0ver5e3r realized herself as Contine Overseer.
    • And hence ITS MY LIFE!, TEEN FORTRESS 2 and the fake third story correspond to > SWITCHES 2, 3 and 1 respectively in Era 2.
    • How about Love Knows No Race?

Wheatley was based on the Business Magnet (think as a character, not in-universe).

Let's see... both are European males with the theme color blue who, in the far future, have taken over Aperture with GLaDOS by their sides... hmm...

The Business Magnet is Back from the Dead Lord Voldemort.

We all know the history of Harry Potter was deliberately corrupted for the use of the franchise (e.g. James and Lily really did die in a car crash and in 1986). So? Lord Voldemort used one of his Horcruxes that were never found during Deathly Hallows to return to life as the Business Magnet and attempted to dedicate his life to spreading the lies, but in the progress became a Portal fan and the desecrator of fandoms that we know.
  • Chell Johnson and Doug Rattmann are (or at least how Voldemort views) Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley. That explains the circumstances of James' and Lily's death. Chell and Doug were made for each other from the point of their birth.
    • Wasn't Doug born in the 1970s?
      • Convenient time travel.
    • So Voldemort's mortal enemy somehow switched from Harry/Doug to Ginny/Chell?
  • And that explains his title, "the Evil Lord…"
  • The franchise even included Voldemort/the Business Magnet having a love interest, to contradict pre-1998 Voldemort's not-capable-of-understanding-love stance.
  • Should be grouped with Time Lord/Lord English WMGs.

The Business Magnet is an Irken Invader.

The photos of "him" are really of his human disguise, which for some reason he never wears. Not being able to disguise himself properly, instead of acting in real life he has decided to act on the Internet, claiming to be a Lithuanian. There are no Lithuanians on the Internet!

Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise and The Half-World will do a merger.

Self-explanatory if you read Born Again Christian.
Portal: The Fourth-World anyone?
  • Does the co-MST of Dib's Other Sister count?
    • No. A full merger. Imagine the fics that constitute Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise didn't exist, and the story was instead told through the occasional responses in the MSTs.

Lumina Squires/Merchant Timetorn is Invader Cakez.

First, Cakez has admitted that she considers herself "humanoid" but not human, and Lumina is a Candy Corn Horn Alien. Second, Cakez has used a nickname "EE Lover" before, and Lumina is literally Enine Estel's Lover. (The nickname "Invader Cakez" probably was chosen to create a dissimile with the "pie girl".)
  • Lumina's literature is about Sgrub and usually longer than the "PlaNoWriBiPe" limit of 50,000 words...
  • Okay, I'm Cakez and right now I have a few comments: one, who's Lumina Squires, two, EE Lover was referring to my favorite breed of chicken, three, I have said that I consider myself not human due to the fact that I act so differently from everyone I know, and four, the nickname/alias Invader Cake was chosen due to an inside joke I had with a friend in which I was a cake combined with the obsession I had with Invader Zim. Also, I am more or less asexual so it is technically impossible to be someone's 'lover', le alone someone I've never heard of. That is all I have to contribute.
    • One, it's this girl (and you can simply Google the name in quotes), two, stop numbering your statements if one of them is a question and the other ones aren't.
    • Are we going to say the theory is hence jossed or what?

interdimensionalPortaller is actually future ASBusinessMagnet.

I was just thinking about how in Ascension of the Portaller-verse Fic #2, IP said to ASBM "I'm taking over your body." Now, that was nowhere near serious, but that, coupled with the story name Violet and the Horrible Fanfic Writer got me thinking - Perhaps ASBM is now living through a phase where she (seeing as she is a trans girl) is beginning to dissociate herself from the time when she used to be male, and it is only a matter of time before she starts going by interdimensionalPortaller and openly mocking whatever remains of her male version.
  • That also explains why Portal: The 4th Millennium died in 2012 - because IP changed ASBM's story so much he couldn't consider the fact that he was really a she the stories created a time paradox and were shut down.
  • But then who's empatheticAmazon?
    • A glitch in the fabric of paradox space-time.
    • Actually Chell from Portal 2, as well as a role model IP emulated.
  • But then who's Doug Rattmann?
    • Insane Guy of DOOM. It only makes sense for him to borrow the identity of the second most badass MarrissaTheWriter character after Marrissa herself.
  • But I thought both ASBM and IP had different backstories and futures...
    • Simple virtue of lying. IP lied about being in Bring your Daughter to Work Day (and the real Chell was killed after the events of Portal: The 4th Millennium version of Portal 1) and ASBM lied about being the CEO of Aperture (the real Aperture Science Business Magnet was created by, well, Aperture Science to replace Cave Johnson and/or GLaDOS in case either of them went rogue, and then the Lithuanian who would assume this identity was inspired by this story that was brought back in time.
      • Lying is a sin.
      • Shut up.
  • Ah, this one has its own backstory. In 2009, before interdimensionalPortaller even existed, one of the ideas for proto-Portal: The 4th Millennium was that ASBM was created to be an exact copy of Chell... but then I realized they were two different genders.
  • Also, I have no comment on myself being a trans girl.
    • Oh come on, Magnet.
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