Francis never actually hid "the stash," but instead took it to school with him.Since the boys have literally scoured every inch of the house and probably dug up the entire yard (both looking for the stash and also burying random evidence of their misdeeds, etc), it doesn't make sense that they wouldn't have found the stash by the time the last episode rolls around. They've had something like 10 years to look for it. I think that Francis actually took it to school with him, pawned it there, and used the money to fund his various misadventures there (buying alcohol for parties, things to prank Spangler with, etc. It also explains where he got money to go to Alaska, having never (as far as we know) held a job up to that point, and obviously not getting the money from Hal and Lois, who didn't support his decision. I know that we see him hitch-hiking the last 1000 miles or so, but it is implied that he took a bus at least part of the way there, and he is seen leaving the family's home in a taxi, which he's obviously going to have to pay for.
Lois is really a poor Black WomanLaugh if you must at this theory's title but really think about it, nearly everything Lois says, acts, and thinks throughout the entire series is nearly similar to what nearly every African-American motherly character in the entirety of American television history (From Life With Beula an actual early 1950s Sitcom starring Hattie McDaniel to Everybody Hates Chris). She does this so her sons will have a better life and not end up as criminals. However when you really start looking at Lois's behavior and thought process this get a little..wonky. Lois nearly always complains to other authority figures that her sons are borderline criminals who if they dont act right WILL end up either dead or in prison and after telling the fellow authority figure of some truly bad behavior (that we the audience don't hear) the boys did the figure typically agrees with them (at times depending on the severity of what they did sometimes even her sons (Alternating between Malcolm & Dewey) also agree). However when you look at it the boys aren't really all that bad. Malcolm is a surprisingly down-to-earth wunderkind that could get any job on earth he wanted, and as it says in other theories below Dewey is such a little charmer he practically bends reality to near his every whim (only doesn't realize it yet). And Reese while has the reputation of The Bad Boy in a seriously more grown up dangerous situation he would probably become useless and not really much of a threat at all. And even their own crazy grandmother believes that Reese by his own thugishness could really make something of himself in a more harsher/stricter society. All in all in a more realistic sense Lois' constant "worry" is almost literally constant non-satisfaction with her sons and their life choices no matter what they are. Basically the entire De Construction of Lois' behavior can be summed up with one..single..point. Their not POOR, or Black or any other minority either for that matter yet Lois constantly acts as if she must save her sons from the Hellhole that is middle class suburbia. Her thought process can be seen as this, since Actual low income single mother/parents push their children as hard as they can in order to "lift" themselves out of their bleak existences and not live the parallel lives of their parents and Lois believes that she is duty bound as a parent to do the same. So in her mind living in their picket fence quiet neighborhood is no different to her then living in an actual ghetto or slum and if any of her sons have a job that either doesn't (possibly literally) cure all major diseases or somehow dramatically change the world almost overnight they might as well be dropping f-bombs in every sentence and throwing up gang signs. For Lois since they already live a fairly affluent life just fairly successful and/or very rich isn't enough in her eyes her sons must become as close to new Gods/creators of a new golden age for humanity. This pretty much explains everything from her harsh punishments to her even channeling Chris Rock's mother by figurative proxy ("if you dont do what I say I Gonna slap the (insert name here) out of you"). Oddly enough this also explains why the boys are always meeting Sadistic Teachers and generally mean authority figures Lois probably intentionally places them with these Jerk Asses based on the shows running Aeso P of "adversity builds character" (although in Lois' case its probably its more like "Extreme adversity builds Superhuman character".). Finally in a small bit of Fridge Horror if Lois' sons lived in a filthy stinkin' rich family and were even smarter then they already were maybe she would demand that her sons build something that would make them Literal reality warping gods similar to Dr. Manhattan (Heroe S anyone?).
The Virts is designed to discourage the creation of Mary Sues.You can max out all of a character's stats, sure. But you'll pay for it. The game designers have put in a fiendish feature where a character created to be godlike will instead invariably fail at everything, while all other characters will live wildly successful lives. Take that!
The Malcolm in the Middle and Scrubs worlds are the same one.In "Home Alone 4" in season one, they go to a hospital and Laverne is at the front desk. Furthermore, both shows have a serious/funny atmosphere and the worlds seem interchangeable.
Francis is mildly schizophrenic.Even early in the series, he generally acts like a pretty decent guy who just happens to be a bit of a slacker, especially when it comes to following orders. Usually when he is acting out, he's got a real "crazy conspiracy theorist hobo character" vibe, which provides distinct contrast when compared to his normal self, considering he was originally the most responsible of all four kids and any of the people with which he was associated in their hometown and was the Only Sane Man through a lot of the Alaska episodes. It could fit with the appearance of his actions in the flashbacks to when he was a small child and drove Lois to dumping him with her mom.
This is Malcolm's own personal hell.At some point in his child life Malcolm did some thing so horrible, that he was sent to his own personal hell, with a she-devil mother, a dad that is being driven to insanity, two brothers that are unreasonable and possibly only there to ruin things for him, and as a whole, a family stupider and more Neanderthal than anyone in the world.
Dewey's class hamster died of cyanide poisoning.When he was seen at the end of his arc going up to Alaska, it was when Francis and Piama were driving the other way, the entire area having been declared a Cyanide Containment Area (which makes no sense whatsoever anyway...) At least it's a better end than the starvation he would have ended by if he didn't get run over by a car before the food pellets Dewey left in the ball were all eaten (or suffocation by hamster feces).
Lois' obsession with being right stems from her upbringing.We've seen in other episodes (the one with the burnt dress springs to mind first, but many others exist) where she was completely wrong but refused to accept (in some episodes, even when confronted with proof otherwise, such as the one where the cop stops her for blocking another car) that her first assumption was correct. When she was a child, Ida almost definitely tormented her any time Lois spoke back or even contradicted what her mother said. Lois held it back, convinced that she was right, and never intentionally told a lie to keep from ever being wrong. Eventually, this changed to a believe that she was incapable of being wrong, especially when she got married to a guy who always agreed with her and had four kids that she attempted to rule with absolute authority.
Malcolm and possibly Dewey (but he has fewer problems communicating) have Asperger's syndrome and it comes from Lois' side of the family. Reese and Dewey and Jamie have some sort of hyperactivity.May sound like something that just popped into a boring fan's mind, but, even though I can't go into detail (it would be too personal...) I'm speaking from experience...
Most of Malcolm's family is schizophrenic.See above for Francis. For Dewey and Reese, they openly admitted to each other that they hear voices when nobody is around. Hal hallucinates all the time - both visual and auditory. Malcolm could go either way - one wonders if the self-narration might be to some entity he's hallucinating - either way he often acts unjustly paranoid. The severity of the symptoms vary (they all confirm to Type I/paranoid schizophrenia, though), but judging from the behavior Hal and Reese have the worst of it, while Malcolm, Dewey, and Francis have more mild symptoms. The latter three seem to have mostly moved into the third phase, while Hal and Reese remain fairly acute.
Reese is gay, though he is not consciously aware of this. What's more, he has an intense unrequited crush on Malcolm.The argument presented in ''Pearl Harbor'' is pretty much spot on. Reese is obsessed with his hair, reads nothing but "men's health magazines", loves to cook, and gleefully watches gay porn when he was able to do so under the pretense of "studying it for Malcolm". He had a girlfriend proximately twice: the first time he ended up trying to ''nearly kill himself'' rather than take her to a public dance and the second time he seemed to only be interested in her because Malcolm was. Reese's one-sided BroYay crush is best highlighted in Malcolm Films Reese, in which Malcolm pretends to get closer to Reese in order to film his antics. Reese basically becomes head over his heels in love with Malcolm (you really only have to see the scene in which Reese whispers into his magic tree that ''he wants to be together with Malcolm forever''), and clearly has his heart broken into itty bitty pieces at the end of the episode. It sheds a lot of light on this rather odd relationship. They start out as normal brothers before puberty, and then Reese keeps on attempting to initiate a Slap-Slap-Kiss relationship with Malcolm which doesn't fly, because Malcolm is both heterosexual and his brother - so it just ends up slap slap slap. But in the later episodes, Malcolm alienates all his old friends when he gets into high school, so he just ends up letting Reese follow him around like a love sick puppy because nobody else will put up with Malcolm's increasingly bitchy attitude, and Reese keeps on mistaking these signals as romantic, which just makes the whole thing even worse. Tragically screwed up.
Lois was physically abusing the boys.That would explain their absolute fear of her, and why Francis hates them so much.
Malcolm is the alternate universe equivalent of Holden CaulfieldAn Insufferable Genius with a perception that everyone is a moron and he's the one person on earth with a horrid family and personal problems? Throw in that Francis could be D.B. for being away from home the longest and being a favorite sibling of his, his first person narration in every episode, his girlfriend (the one with the crazy militant father) being alienated by his inability to be mature like Phoebe to Holden and being obsessed with the girl in "Company Picnic" like Holden was to the girl Stradlater went out with at the beginning of the book.
The third option where Hal had to choose to pull the plug or not on the comatose guy was to revive him using virtual reality.They put a hat on him that included audiovisual output of birds. That woke him up, since you can't hear birds sitting in a hospital room and all he needed was his love of ornithology to intrude on the coma (instead of just his relatives arguing between "leave him on the big, annoying respirator" or "take him off of it and let him suffocate"). Hal never needed to make the decision, since the delay tactic shortly became a solution.
Dewey is Haruhi Suzumiya.Especially in older episodes, you can see how he can seemingly change reality. You know what? We need to make a page like The Haruhi or something.
Jane Kaczmarek is a VERY bad judge of character.I mean, for God's sake, she's said in interviews that Lois is a "great mother."
The boys have most of their issues because of Francis, not Lois.It's repeatedly shown that Reese, Malcolm and Dewey look up to their big brother, Malcolm calling him his favourite in the pilot. However, Francis has admitted to Dewey that before he left for military school, Francis was a terrible brother to Malcolm and Reese, while Dewey was only spared because of how young he was. Reese, as the second child, mimics Francis' negative qualities by being a bully and not doing well in school. Malcolm on the other hand sees Francis' feud with his parents and mimics the anti-social qualities that he saw at home. Both boys also abuse each other, but they're too close in age to really be able to bully one another so they decide to replicate Francis' mistreatment of them with Dewey. This causes Dewey to retreat into his imagination as a means of escape. Also, he's stifled because of his brothers treating him like a baby, shocked when he shows any sign of having matured.
Francis is a Wizard.All of the crazy stuff he did to get in trouble as a kid? That was his magic manifesting. But that statute of secrecy is even stronger in the United States, so Francis can't even tell his Muggle family about it. Instead he makes up these ridiculous stories about Military school, Alaska, and a Ranch, and modifies their memories any time they find out anything. Reese has had his memory modified more than the others - he used to be a genius too...
"Sigh" Okay...Malcolm will grow a goatee in college and major in robotics, with a side interest in cloning. Increasingly narcissistic and bitter with his family and, eventually, much of humanity, he will eventually leave the United States for Japan. To fit in as much as possible with the somewhat ethnocentric society, he'll change his name to Gendo, mainly because he thinks it sounds cool. While studying for his doctorate, he'll meet one Yui Ikari...
Lois is a good mother compared to her own mother, Ida.Lois at least is civil with other people and tries to be a good mother. She might get angry easily but who can really blame her, Reese and Francis have done criminal acts before.
The sewer entrance in their back yard is a karma embodiment.Lets just say, both Lois and Hal's kids, and their respective neighbors are the aggravated energies which the whole family ends up feeding. In fact, we all should wonder how or why there hasn't been a pitchfork crowd chasing them down before the series went entirely gone. I like to think that the access to a cesspool behind their home is a cauldron of some sort. The episode with the baby sitter displays what kind of energies everyone feeds to it. Reese mentioned, in exclamation, "I do NOT remember eating this", which either implies that their neighbors excrement exists in this "sewer", or that the waste entered his mouth. The young characters feed to it's vile power in their own special way. Malcom is the pretentious genius with a greedy resolution and ineffective prudence, Reese is the disorganized anti-hero, Dewey is a child with trivial repressions and unhealthy self-esteem. Then there is Jamie, the small child which takes off of Francis (who cannot be included within this guess) mindset. Jamie does not want to cause as much trouble as Francis, but possesses something more dark than Reese. To cap this all off, the Babysitter is the deflection caused by Reese's attempt at fooling their Karma well.
Malcolm is The Doctor and Reese is The Master.Think about Malcolm’s personality of trying to be morally right and superior to everyone else but still being morally ambiguous Rees’s sociopathic personality and how they easily get into fights. Which means that it all started between The Doctor and The Master when one of them took the last blueberry at dinner? This explains Malcolm’s super intelligence as even for someone with an IQ of 165 he still shouldn’t be able to do some of the things he is seen doing (The Master’s just pretending to fool him). This would also explain Lois’s hate as she’s actually The Rani. This would also explain why neither Malcolm’s family has no surname as time lords do not have them.
Malcolm might decide later in life to betray his family, despite giving into their intentions at first.Well, Francis already did, after leaving the nest and realizing what a mess his life is due to his horrible childhood. Someone did state that Malcolm has come the closest to Francis to realizing what a shit-ass job his family has done raising him, and is even worse off than him.
Herkabe and Lois are brother and sister.In his first appearance, Herkabe’s parents are named John and Ida. It’s established that Viktor and Ida cheated on each other, to the point that Viktor was gone for long stretches at a time. Maybe while Viktor was shacking up with Betty White, Ida was with John. She got pregnant with child and popped out Lionel. Then Viktor called to say he’d be coming back home, so she kicked John out and sent Lionel with him, either because the timelines wouldn’t match up for Viktor to be his dad or because Viktor would expect a son to look more like him than he would a daughter. Lois and Susan were just too young to remember. This explains why Malcolm and Herkabe have the same Jerk Ass-Smug Snake personality, explains their similar levels of intelligence and their similar goals (both going to Harvard, and both being interested in computers (though it didn’t work out for Herkabe)). Malcolm and/or Herkabe may have even realized this at some point, which is why they get increasingly more combative with each other as the series goes on; they’re jealous of the other’s life. To Malcolm, Herkabe is someone who wasn’t screwed up by Ida and became successful in the way Malcolm measures success—being insanely rich, even if he lost it all— as a result from not being damaged by this kind of upbringing. To Herkabe, Lois was raised in a way that let her have a happy and stable, if dysfunctional, marriage and family while his own marriage ended in a divorce he still seems bitter over, as well as a steady, if low-paying job, while he’s millions of dollars in debt. In the end, his and Malcolm’s fighting isn’t about being better than everyone or petty squabbles over GPA; it’s about being better than ‘’each other’’ to prove themselves and their families; they never let on because they don’t think the other knows, but they just can’t let go.
Malcolm won't become President.Dewey will, and he'll create programs that help kids of low-income families. Because Lois and Hal's youngest child will be out of the house by the time he becomes President, they'll never see a dime of it. Even at his young age, Malcolm clearly is exhibiting signs of emotional stress (he is bitter, has problems forming lasting relationships, and can occasionally be paranoid), while Dewey, perhaps because he has been ignored by parents and received less abuse, seems better adjusted. Malcolm will probably have some kind of mental breakdown in the future (similar to Francis and his hatred of Lois), while Dewey will succeed in life.
Cynthia didn't leave for good, she literally disappeared without a trace.Not in the sense that she was [[Put On A Bus]]. My theory is that after she lied about having sex with Malcom, the news of the false rumor spreads to Julie's attention. Whom may or may not still hold a grudge against Malcolm from that trash incident. Julie at first believes the rumor considering that kids normally do this. But as the clues begin to debunk it as a fluke, she begins to contemplate revenge against both. This goes horribly wrong when Julie fails to attract the attention of Malcolm while accidentally sending Cynthia away. Right now, the very last area investigators searched in was the local dump. To which is a dead end for the rest of the series. The Joker will come into being out of various aspects of the Wilkerson brothers' psyches. The brothers tried a magick ritual one Halloween night to play the mother of all pranks on Lois and Hal, and, being the short-sighted idiots they were, accidently pissed off some force on the other side that killed them and used their souls to build a monster. Reese's sadism, Malcolm's intelligence, Francis' determination to rebel, and Dewey's artistic tendencies, all rolled into the most evil motherfucker on God's green earth, determined to do what the boys did best: Upset the natural order and create chaos.
Malcolm was Caroline's lover and the father of her baby.When you watch how readily she would jump to his aid and would always be much happier once Malcolm was there, it starts to become obvious that there was something more than a normal student-teacher relationship between them. Once the baby was born, she disappeared because they both realized it would be too complicated for her to see the father of her baby every day, all the while knowing they could never be a happy family together.
Jamie is autistic.We know he takes a long time to start talking, which is a common sign of autism. Furthermore, Lois was over 40 when she had him, and at that age, the probability of a child being autistic is rather high.
Hal was put on trial for being mistaken or framed as Heisenberg.In the two-parter Reese Joins the Army, Hal is facing charges of money laundering and fraud within his company. Several witnesses allude to him blackmailing them or threatening their families, and the case against him makes him out to be some sort of criminal mastermind. This is because, somewhere along the line, the DEA got involved with his company's fraud investigation and either because they were really sure of themselves or needed a fall guy to finally tie-off the biggest meth-producing crime ring in history, they worked the case into a lead for Albuquerque's infamous drug kingpin, Heisenberg. Something familiar about Hal just made him a plausible suspect.
The stash was in the other guy's house.Jamie actually did find the stash. Francis used a normal hiding place, but in a completely different person's house, knowing no one would ever think to look there. The guy who owned the house ended up finding it and thinking the stuff in it was his or a relatives.