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This is a "Wild Mass Guess" entry, where we pull out all the sanity stops on theorizing. The regular entry on this topic is elsewhere. Please see this programme note.
Jesus
Jesus' status is not God, at least not originally

His phrase "ego eimi" is actually "ego eimi ho on", which is essencially an expression for "I'm being honest" instead of "I am", as translated. Thus, he was just a prophet, not a divine being. Of course, he might have become divine after his death because Clap Your Hands If You Believe, but it wasn't the original plan...

Jesus is... uh, in Purgatory
Self Explanatory, as well.
  • He gets sent to the correctional facility of the afterlife, to be let out once enough time has passed to account for every human's Original sin.

Monty Python's Life of Brian was more spot-on than anyone realized. No wonder his words can be taken to back up almost anything.
  • The Pythons themselves would disagree with you. They created the character of Brian not because they were afraid to tackle Jesus. That had been their original plan. They created Brian because they couldn't find anything to criticize about Jesus himself and so focused on lampooning religious fanatics which is much more fertile ground for comedy.

Jesus was/is the Wandering Jew.
He's Jewish, immortal, and nobody knows exactly what happened to him after that last visit. Plausible enough.
  • The Wandering Jew was supposed to have been cursed because he mocked Jesus on the cross, though. Unless Jesus had a self-deprecating sense of humor and was cursed for it?
    • It's a cover story.

Jesus gave God a human perspective
This is why there's such a huge difference between new and old testament god. Through Jesus, god was able to see just how flawed, weak, and vulnerable humanity really is. That we were practically inherently designed with temptations we face each and everyday, every hour of the day. God saw, realized that there are those that STILL never gave up and remained devoted to his faith, and truly realized humanity was god's greatest miracle.
  • Of course, that would contradict the idea that God is and always has been omniscient. An omniscient, all-knowing God would already know all that stuff about humanity right from the beginning. He wouldn't have needed to send down Jesus to get a ground-level view of things.
  • Many religions / belief systems (the difference can get a little blurry in ancient times) make the distinction between knowledge and experience. An omniscient entity knows everything, but He's probably experienced very little.
  • Alternatively, God already had full knowledge/experience of a human perspective, and Jesus's role was - among other things - to drive the point home. It's one thing to know on an intellectual level that God understands your pain; it's an entirely different thing to see him beaten raw and hanging from an execution stake.

Jesus is,or was Heracles.
He became Genre Savvy and escaped into the Abrahamic religion,when he realised the Greek Pantheon is doomed

Jesus was/is a Buddhist.
He visited India during the undocumented years of his life, discovered Buddhism, attained Enlightenment and returned to Judea to preach love, forgiveness and compassion to all. When he was crucified, he didn't die physically as he had already become a Bodhisattva (one who has attained Buddhahood but remained on Earth to help others attain wisdom rather than moving on to Nirvana.)

Jesus actually is Jesus
Think about it...
  • Wait, are we talking about Jesus?

Jesus was a human/alien hybrid
  • The Annunciation: an alien inseminating Mary.
  • The Star of Bethlehem: an alien spacecraft.
  • The prayers: communications with mission control.
  • The miracles: Sufficiently Advanced Technology.
  • The resurrection: two alien doctors in spacesuits regenerating Jesus's cells.
  • The promise of the second coming: a future where aliens Take Over the World.
  • The ascension: an alien spacecraft carrying Jesus away from Earth.
  • The assumption of Mary: an alien spacecraft carrying Mary away from Earth.

He's not just any alien, but a Time Lord.
It would explain a lot, wouldn't it? Jesus was a Time Lord who landed on Earth, but unlike the Doctor decided to stay there. The Star of Bethlehem was his TARDIS shining in the sky, and Mary was basically what the Chameleon Arched Doctor used-a plausible identity, with psychic paper to fool the Roman census. Claiming to be the Son of God yet the same guy simultaneously? Yahweh, God of Israel was the same guy, in a previous incarnation and as such could be his "father" From a Certain Point of View. Many of the miracles can be explained with Clarke's Third Law: walking on water? Hoverboots. Feeding 5000 people with 5 fishes and loafs of bread? The same technology used to make TARDI Ses Bigger on the Inside was made to fit massive quantities of fish and bread in them. Bring a person back from the dead? Chula nanogenes. When God said "A thousand years can be a day for me/a day can be a thousand years for me"(I'm paraphrasing), that was a demonstration of how time travel works. Much like the Doctor, "Jesus" had to hide his actual name, which is why the name of God is so sacred in Abrahamic faith. Nobody recognized Jesus when he came back because he regenerated, resulting in a different appearance. The process took a while because the crucifixion delayed the regeneration, in a similar vein to how 7 basically died on the operating table. The changes between the policies of the Jewish God and Christian God come from his personality changing thanks to regeneration. Mohammed was an incarnation hiding from the Time Lords, and as such refused to reveal his face.


Horsemen Of The ApocalypseWMG/Mythology & ReligionCrystal Dragon Jesus

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