->''"Well that settles it, Chatfield! We must never go into that God-forsaken country again!"''
-->—'''Bremner, Bird, and Fortune''', playing BritsWithBattleships, in 1842.[[note]] They did. Twice more.[[/note]]

'''[[ForbiddenZone Where Empires go to die.]]'''

Afghanistan ('''Persian:''' افغانستان; '''Pashto:''' Afġānistān), also known as the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan ('''Persian:''' جمهوری اسلامی افغانستان Jomhūrī-ye Eslāmī-ye Afġānestān; '''Pashto:''' د افغانستان اسلامي جمهوریت Da Afġānistān Islāmī Jomhoriyat). The name is on everyone’s lips. Everyone knows one of the theaters of TheWarOnTerror, the Taliban and the hijinks of Islamic fundamentalists. However, this is but the tip of the iceberg, the latest chapter of a long history of conflict for a crossroads state that had been the prize possession of many advancing empires… or rather, an ''attempted'' prize possession. More on that in a bit.

Being right where Middle East meets Central Asia meets the Indian subcontinent, the land has been influenced by all kinds of societies over the millennia. It is most famous in antiquity for supplying the semi-precious stone lapis lazuli (that marbly blueish stuff). Before the arrival of Islam, the land was used as a route connecting said areas – as a result of that it ended with a mix of Buddhist, Hindu, and Zoroastrian culture (in fact, some believe UsefulNotes/{{Zoroastrianism}} originated here). However, its location as a bridge between cultures made Afghanistan a target for anybody who wanted to expand his empire, like Alexander The Great, the Muslims, and the Mongols.

Originally a bunch of tribal fiefdoms of several ethnicities later united as an Emirate (controlled by the Pashtun ethnic group) in the 18th century, Afghanistan as it is now only came to being in the early 19th century under the House of Barakzai[[note]] (before this it was the core of the [[TheEmpire Durrani Empire]] and was far larger than it is now – at its height it controlled much of what is now Pakistan as well as all of Kashmir except the Siachen Glacier and the Buddhist outpost of Leh)[[/note]] as a result of the "Great Game" between Russia and Britain, which swallowed Afghan territory from the north and the south, respectively. In order to prevent the Russians from seizing what was left, the British made peace with the Afghan Emirs and made them a protectorate, which lasted from the 1870s until 1919, when Emir Amanullah Khan declared Afghanistan's total sovereignty.

In 1893, Afghanistan's current southern border was set up via an agreement with the British called the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Durand_Line Durand Line.]] This would cause problems later. The Line cuts right through the middle of the homeland of the Pashtun, an infamously tribal people who are the largest group in Afghanistan. Regardless of what the various governments did, the Pashtuns never gave much of a flip about the border. They still don't.

Amanullah Khan declared himself King (and Afghanistan a kingdom) in the mid-1920's. He was the first Afghan leader to attempt to modernize the country, proposing a number of reforms[[note]] (a written Constitution, adoption of a solar calendar, adopting the Metric System, abolishing slavery, compulsory secular education for both sexes, encouraging Western clothing in Kabul, discouraging the burqa and seclusion of women, various tax and economic changes, etc.)[[/note]]. This upset the more religiously conservative tribal factions (including a lot of fundamentalists) who staged multiple uprisings beginning in 1923. Amanullah himself was forced to abdicate in 1929 after losing the loyalty of Pashtun tribes on both sides of the Durand Line and, by extension, the Army. Most of his reform proposals died with him (abolition of slavery being a major exception).

1929 was a chaotic year for Afghanistan. After Amanullah Khan abdicated following an uprising in Kabul, he was succeeded by his brother Inayatullah, who managed to reign for all of three days before being overthrown by Habibullah Kalakani, a fundamentalist Tajik. Pashtun tribal leaders may not have liked Amanullah's pro-Western reforms, but they ''really'' didn't like the idea of being ruled by a Tajik, so Kalakani was overthrown and unceremoniously executed by Mohammed Nadir Khan (later Shah), a distant relative of the previous King who took the throne for himself. Nadir sought to placate the religious conservatives and regain their support by stopping reforms.

Nadir Shah was assassinated in 1933. He was succeeded by his son Mohammed Zahir Shah. Those of you who paid close attention in the early days of the UsefulNotes/WarOnTerror might remember him. Zahir Shah ruled Afghanistan for the next four decades, bring an era of relative peace and stability to the fractious kingdom. Incidentally, he (eventually) restarted the kingdom's modernization – understandable since he finished his education in Paris. This led to Kabul becoming a cultural center for the first time since the days of the old Silk Road. He also continued the efforts of his predecessors in reaching out to the rest of the world, establishing relations with several countries, including the United States. Many of his reforms were, however, stymied by conservative tribal opposition and political infighting.

Note that word "relative" in the preceding paragraph. In 1947, Pakistan was created and the Afghan government announced they no longer recognized the Durand Line and made claims to Pakistani territory ranging from the Indus all the way to Northern Pakistan – though they really just wanted back the Pashtun tribal areas that they had claimed all along. In the 1950s, they tried border attacks. Now, this was not the brightest idea, as Pakistan's Army at the time was a force which had been recently part of KiplingsFinest, with troops who had fought and won two world wars in three decades. So it went [[CurbStompBattle about as well as you'd expect]]. In 1962, the Afghans [[WhatAnIdiot tried a much larger effort]] and got absolutely shellacked. Afghans are still a little sore about that. (Most Pakistanis have no idea the battles ever happened). During this period, Afghanistan also lent overt support to the East Turkestan separatist movement in Xinjiang, China. It went slightly less well than the efforts to cross the Durand line.

In 1973, Zahir Shah was overthrown while abroad in a bloodless coup by his cousin Daoud Khan, a former prime minister who had been influenced by Soviet teachings and declared Afghanistan a republic with himself as president. Despite his socialist leanings, Daoud eventually attempted to pivot to a more pro-Western stance (mostly for easier access to oil – Iran was still a friend of the USA at the time). In response, Soviet Premier Leonid Brezhnev started fomenting a Communist rebellion, which toppled Daoud's government and assassinated him in April 1978, sparking an all-out civil war – the very thing Zahir Shah had abdicated to avoid.

Infighting between various Communist factions led to the UsefulNotes/SovietInvasionOfAfghanistan in 1979, which gave Russia what Zbigniew Brzezinski charmfully called "[[NotSoDifferent its]] UsefulNotes/VietnamWar". In response, America funded and armed the Mujahideen, a hodgepodge of different factions united in fighting the Soviets – [[NiceJobBreakingItHero incidentally creating Al-Qaeda AND the Taliban in the process]]. So… yeah, probably more problems than it was worth.

The Soviets withdrew in 1989 and left a coherent and stable Communist state that sustained itself until 1992, but the civil war continued. This time, it was mainly between the Taliban (originally made of religious schools of Afghan refugees in Pakistan, aided by Al-Qaeda and headed by [[TheFaceless Mullah Muhammad Omar]]) and the Northern Alliance and its main man [[CulturedWarrior Ahmad Shah Massoud]], known in the region as the "Afghan who won the Cold War".

By the end of TheNineties, the Taliban had gained control of most of the country, establishing the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan and instituting Sharia law, [[StayInTheKitchen obligatory use of the burqa for women]], [[MonumentalDamage destroying monuments]] of religions other than Islam, among other stuff. This was in marked contrast with the areas controlled by Massoud in the north, where he had established democratic institutions and tried to give equal-gender rights, not to mention the hundreds of thousands of refugees that fled the Taliban to areas controlled by Massoud. He tried to obtain help from external powers and, in 2001, [[IgnoredExpert even tried to warn them of a possible large-scale attack on America by Al-Qaeda]], to no avail.

Then 9/11 came – a day after Massoud died in a helicopter crash, possibly by Al-Qaeda’s suicide bombers (which has been seen as the attack’s point of no return). America demanded the Taliban hand over Osama bin Laden and disband Al-Qaeda’s forces in the area (by then, Al-Qaeda was already a state within a state) and, after the negative answer, [[UsefulNotes/TheWarOnTerror proceeded to invade the country to disband the Taliban]].

After the Taliban were overthrown, the former King Mohammed Zahir Shah returned to his country after 29 years of exile to open the Loya Jirga – a traditional meeting of tribal chieftains – which was to decide the future of Afghanistan. Once it became clear that the chiefs wanted to simply restore the monarchy, the U.S. (in a ''supremely'' shortsighted self-serving move) strong-armed the Loya Jirga into installing the American-educated Pashtun Hamid Karzai as president of an Afghan Republic instead – Zahir Shah was given the ceremonial position "Father of the Country", which died with him in 2007. The [[UsefulNotes/GeorgeWBush Bush administration]] had hoped for a compliant puppet in Karzai, but ended up with a corrupt SpannerInTheWorks instead. A botched presidential election to replace Karzai nearly erupted in yet another war before the two main candidates reached an agreement and power was handed to current president Ashraf Ghani.

Since then, civil war has continued between the Afghan Army (aided by NATO, but mostly the U.S.) and the remnants of the Taliban, taking advantage of Pashtuns' traditional disdain of the Durand Line to launch attacks from across the border in Pakistan. America may have mostly pulled out of the country at this point, but anyone with a brain can see the civil war is not going to end soon.

Remember that cryptic line at the very top of this page? Every major power that has ever tried to establish a foothold in Afghanistan or lasting control over it has failed miserably, every effort to do so becoming a massive resource-sink. Even the Russians – themselves the subject of a similar ominous phrase and history – were utterly broken. Rather impressive track record for one of the poorest countries on earth.

Ethnically, Afghanistan is an incredible mix, of which the Pashtuns form the plurality with 42%, followed by Tajiks at 27%. They are ''[[BerserkButton not]]'' Arabs (there are Arabs, but they make up less than 4% of the population). Similarly, there are all kinds of languages spoken, the main ones being Dari (a dialect of Persian) and Pashto. The breadth of different ethnicities is similar to that of neighboring Iran, except that that country has an outright ethnic majority (Persians).

Despite all the problems, the country is still a marvelous cultural site – except for Bamiyan; the Taliban blew that up. You’d be surprised how much SceneryPorn you can get from a bunch of mountains and sand.

!!Afghanistan is an example of the following:

* AluminumChristmasTrees: Afghanistan prior to the Soviet invasion was not a wealthy first-world place, [[http://blogs.denverpost.com/captured/2013/01/28/podlich-afghanistan-1960s-photos/5846/ but still]] [[http://www.foreignpolicy.com/articles/2010/05/27/once_upon_a_time_in_afghanistan far above]] the war-torn country of Taliban and barbarous AK-47 armed gangs modern people are familiar with. Which gave birth to [[http://1389blog.com/pix/Afghanistan-1967-2011.jpg the "Afghanistan 1967 and 2011" meme]].
* AFatherToHisMen: Massoud, to non-Pashtuns. Mullah Omar for the Taliban.
* AssassinOutclassin: Hafizullah Amin, the second of the four Communist leaders – and the last not directly chosen by Moscow – was like this before his enemies were finally successful. Soviet special forces, who weren't too keen on his independence, tried to eliminate him through poison (Amin switched out his food [[ProperlyParanoid out of sheer paranoia]], accidentally poisoning his son, who ate it), then they tried to poison him again via a sleeper agent, again failing, finally deciding [[MundaneSolution it would be easier to just shoot him instead]].
** Yet Amin himself had a blind spot regarding the Soviets, not wanting to believe they were the ones trying to kill him until shortly before they actually pointed the guns in his face.
* ChurchMilitant: The Taliban.
* CulturePolice: The Taliban may well be history's most infamous example. They banned all non-religious music, all dancing, all movies, all television, the Afghan New Year, Buzkashi (that Afghan sport Franchise/{{Rambo}} played), kites, and the Internet. They're like a version of the Amish who only make exceptions for modern inventions if they kill people.
* CulturedWarrior: Ahmed Shah Massoud, in the eyes of non-Pashtuns.
* DeadAllAlong: Possibly Mullah Omar. Though many recordings have been released since his overthrow that are purported to be him, his voice is only known by hearsay.
** Strike that "possibly". The Taliban confirmed in July 2015 that Mullah Omar had died in April 2013.
* TheFaceless: Mullah Muhammad Omar, who's known only for the fact that he has [[RedRightHand just one eye]]. All the pictures of him are just presumed to be him.
* FisherKing: King Zahir Shah. Before his cousin deposed him, Afghanistan was one of the most modernized states of the Islamic world, with a niche market in certain fruits and textiles unavailable elsewhere, making people pay top dollar for Afghan products. After his overthrow, it first became a DirtyCommunist PeoplesRepublicOfTyranny before devolving into chaos before finally coming under the control of [[CorruptChurch the Taliban]] and housing terrorists.
* FluffyTheTerrible: The name 'Taliban' actually means "students".
** That makes their attitude about female education especially ironic.
* ForeverWar: The current civil war started in 1979 in retaliation against poorly thought-out land reforms by communists.
* LostTribe: The Nuristanis speak an Indo-Iranian language that is nevertheless not quite in either the Iranian or Indian group, and up until 1895 they were relatively isolated and practiced an animistic religion before being conquered and forcibly converted to Islam by Abdur Rahman Khan. The related Kalasha tribe across the border in Pakistan maintain their ancient customs and religion.
* MonumentalDamage: The Taliban engaged in a diligent campaign of blowing up anything considered non-Islamic, most notorious of which were a couple of giant statues of the Buddha in the Bamiyan Valley. To add insult to injury, they ignored pleas of Buddhist states and Japan even offered to remove them and take them to Japan. The only possible explanation is that the Taliban did it ForTheEvulz (although some did speculate that they were really doing it to kick up enough of a fuss that it would draw attention to how rough things were in the country).
** The latter speculation likely has a grain of truth. Afghanistan was under various UN sanctions before the Bamiyan Buddha incident. [=UNESCO=], in a badly timed move, proposed the preservation of the Bamiyan statues. This allowed radicals to use the argument that the UN cared more about monuments than the poverty and hunger of the Afghan people.
* NeverLearnedToRead: Unfortunately, the overwhelming majority of the country's population. Afghanistan has one of the lowest literacy rates in the world, equalled only by some of the poorest countries in Africa, and Yemen. As you'd expect with the history of Taliban rule, female literacy is especially bad and somewhat drags down the average. Male literacy is better on its own, but still pretty abysmal.
* NoWomansLand: Especially blatant during the Taliban government, whose attitude towards women was ''arguably'' worse than in Saudi Arabia.
* PeoplesRepublicOfTyranny: Under the 1980s Soviet-backed government, the country's official name was the "Democratic Republic of Afghanistan". Yeah, no.
* RealityIsUnrealistic: There are blond-haired, blue-eyed, pale people in Afghanistan that wouldn't look out of place in, say, Germany. There are also many people with strong Asian features. Take for example the Hazara ethnic group, in which when you compare them to let's say, with the Mongols, are barely distinguishable. Ditto with the Uzbeks. Being in the path of every invading army or tribe since the dawn of history will do interesting things to your gene pool.
* RoyalsWhoActuallyDoSomething: To this day, Mohammad Zahir Shah, the last King of Afghanistan, remains well liked for having tried to modernize his country while he still reigned.
** Intriguingly, he never did do that much, leaving most of the actual ruling to his surprisingly competent (if autocratic) relatives.
* TheRemnant: The modern Afghan state is all that remains of the once-vast Durrani Empire that included nearly all of Pakistan, along with parts of modern India, Central Asia, and Iran. Most of it had been devoured by the Russians and British during the 19th century and as a result, the Pashtun ethnic group was split amongst the Afghan and Pakistani states, in turn leading every single government in Kabul since the British left (including the Taliban) to never recognize the Durand Line that defines Afghanistan's southern border with Pakistan (Indeed, there is a perennial desire to unify the Pashtun regions of Pakistan with the rest of Afghanistan). Needless to say, Pakistan hasn't taken it well, and it is a major factor as to why Islamabad [[RuleOfCautiousEditingJudgment allegedly]] keeps meddling in Kabul's affairs.
** Considering the problems Pakistan has keeping those tribal areas in check, perhaps they should consider taking Afghanistan up on its request to reunite the Pashtun lands.

!!Afghanistan in media:

!!![[AC:Anime & Manga]]

* ''Webcomic/AfganisuTan'' (it's a Webcomic, to be more precise).
* ''Manga/BlackLagoon'': Balalaika, leader of the local branch of TheMafiya, is a veteran of the Soviet intervention. So are all of her top underlings. It messed them up pretty bad.

!!![[AC:Comic Books]]

* Sooraya Qadir, a.k.a. Dust from ''Comicbook/{{X-Men}}'', is Afghani.


* ''Afganskiy Izlom''
* ''The Beast''
* ''Film/CharlieWilsonsWar''
* ''Film/TheLivingDaylights''
* ''Film/TheManWhoWouldBeKing''
* ''Film/NinthCompany''
* ''Film/{{Osama}}''
* ''Film/RamboIII''
* ''Film/SpiesLikeUs''


* ''The Cardinal of the Kremlin''
* ''Literature/TheManWhoWouldBeKing''
* ''Literature/TheKiteRunner''
* ''Zinky Boys''


* ''Series/BombPatrolAfghanistan''
* ''Series/{{JAG}}''
* ''Series/KaboulKitchen''


* ''VideoGame/MedalOfHonor'' (2010 reboot)
* ''VideoGame/ModernWarfare 2''

[[AC:The Afghan flag]]
->The black, red, and green stripes symbolize the colonial period, the revolutions, and independent Afghanistan, respectively. At the center is the coat-of-arms, featuring a mosque with a ''mihrab'' (niche facing Mecca), flanked by two Afghan flags; above the mosque are the worlds "Allahu Akbar" ("God is Great"), and below is the Islamic year 1298 (1919, the year of its independence from Britain); surrounding the mosque is a wreath of wheat, above which is the ''shahada'' (the Islamic creed), and below is a scroll containing the country's name in Pashto).