Too Dumb To Live: Stand-Up Comedy
- Christopher Titus' first comedy special, "Norman Rockwell is Bleeding" has a lot of examples of Too Dumb to Live:
Titus: Yeah, 'cause fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting Dad is, (a la a game show announcer): "Hi! You've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!" ...Oh, by the way, great way to fight, arms down, face presented.
- Titus in his teens trying to fight his chain-smoking, functional alcoholic father who used to be in the military, dealt with a manic-depressive wife, and doesn't take crap from "wussies" (even if said wussy is his own son). Titus ended up in the hospital.
- Titus' mom's (Juanita) second marriage to a woman-beating jerk is Too Dumb to Live for the husband. Juanita was a violent, manic-depressive schizophrenic who didn't take her medication and drank alcohol to medicate herself (which only made her manic-depressive mood swings and violent outbursts worse). And yet, her second husband still beat her and insulted her, which led to the guy getting shot to death on Thanksgiving and Juanita getting acquitted of his murder and winning his life insurance policy and the acres of land behind his house, which he often used as a shooting range. For bonus points, he's the one that taught her how to shoot.
- Titus staying with his abusive first girlfriend (the Jewish girl who kept punching him in the face whenever she got angry, which for her, was a regular occurrence) after she tried to attack him on Christmas Eve, all because she answered the door wearing nothing but Titus' dad's stolen camera and the high heels Titus threw out the house. In Titus' words, "I'm behind the fan now, but the booty is good." The adaptation of this story for Titus' short-lived sitcom plays this for drama, showing that Titus only loved and forgave Noelle's abusive behavior because he did the same thing with his mother.
- A 2009 quip from Church of the SubGenius minister Ivan Stang: "God forgot to make stupidity painful."
- According to Jeremy Hotz:
Some animals are really stupid. Like the crab. What a moron! It has two big scissors held out in front of itself, and then it walks sideways like an idiot! That's why we eat their legs, we keep pulling them off from the side!
- Judy Gold talks about seeing the Anne Frank house, and how they had to be quiet all day, "which would have the end of my family, because there's no way my mother could keep quiet all afternoon!"
Judy's Mom: Judith, I told you to wash that plate ten minutes ago!Judy: (hushed tone) Ma, shut up, or we're gonna get caught!Judy's Mom: That's right, we're gonna get caught, and we're all gonna die, just because you couldn't wash a goddamn dish! Ya proud of yourself?
- Comedian Ralphie May has a bit about how he once drank 16 ounces of Cuban coffee not knowing it was the equivalent of 84 shots of espresso. Granted it didn't kill him, but the point still stands.
- From Rodney Dangerfield:
I tried marijuana once. Just once. I didn't know what I was doing...I was on cocaine at the time!