--->"I'm a one-woman woman
---> And you're wastin' my time."
----> -"I Ain't Got Time"
''Zanna, Dont!'' is an Off-Broadway [[TheMusical musical]] by Tim Acito. It was written in 2002 and ran its Off-Broadway run 2003. It was to get a run on Broadway, but talk of that has largely tapered off. It takes place in an AlternateUniverse where chess is cool, football is weird, and [[CastFullOfGay everybody]] is gay.
The show revolves around the character Zanna, resident matchmaker, magic practitioner and student at Heartsville High. In the course of the story, he hooks up Mike (Heartsville's star chess player) and Steve (a lonely quarterback who's the new kid in school), and Roberta (whose girlfriends all seem to "dump her the next day," her most recent girfriend being a girl named Candi) and Kate (an overachiever who dreams of getting a medical degree). The students decide to write and perform a controversial musical about a heterosexual couple in the army as a social critique of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell law, with Kate and Steve cast as the leads. One thing leads to another, and Steve and Kate realize that [[RomanceontheSet they aren't just acting.]] However, they agree that they could never be together, as Heartsville is notoriously heterophobic. Meanwhile, Zanna struggles with his feelings for Steve, thinking that Steve and Mike still love each other.
Disaster strikes when Steve and Kate kiss in celebration after Mike wins his chess tournament, causing them to be ostracized. They run to Zanna, the only one in town who hasn't shunned them yet. Zanna suggests that they show up to prom as a couple anyway, only for Candi to call him and say that mixed-sex couples aren't allowed at prom. Kate and Steve sadly try to leave town, only for Zanna to stop them and send them to prom anyway. He flips through his spellbook to find a way to help his friends, but the only spell that would be an option would cause Zanna to lose his powers for good. Proclaiming that "Nothing done out of love can ever do us harm," he takes up his wand. In an attempt to make everything better, Zanna casts one final spell [[spoiler:that permanently flips their world into our world, meaning that heterosexuality is the norm, football is popular, and magical powers like Zanna's don't exist]]. Zanna hurries to the prom, but [[spoiler:now that everyone is straight, he's the odd one out. Kate and Steve are together like Zanna wished they could be, and are even crowned the king and queen of the prom]], but [[spoiler:everyone is homophobic and in a heterosexual relationship. His friends, who now have no memory of what life was like before the spell, ostracize and mock him for his flamboyant outfit and mannerisms]]. However, [[spoiler:when they remember they used to be Zanna's friends, everyone comes back to join him in a dance, learning to get [[ThePowerOfFriendship along in the end]]. Steve and Kate invite Zanna to an after party, but Zanna declines in favor of going home, leaving a shoe behind as he does so]]. True to fairy tales, [[spoiler:Tank]] picks it up to return it to him, confessing [[spoiler:his]] love for Zanna. They slow dance together, duing which [[spoiler:Tank]] reveals that [[spoiler:he still remembers the other world. Zanna is incredulous at how Tank's memories remained intact, while Tank tells him to just enjoy the music]]. The two share a tender kiss.
!!Includes examples of:
* AlternateUniverse : But everything is pretty [[LikeRealityUnlessNoted normal]] except for three things. Chess is cooler than football, mechanical-bull riding is a intermural sport and everybody is gay.
* BiTheWay: Steve and Kate
* CastFullOfGay : Everyone in Heartsville (and the rest of America) are gay.
* Cupid'sArrow : Discussed in "Don't You Wish We Could Be In Love?"
* FridgeLogic: "Two by Two, just like Noah had to do..." if everyone's gay, how does ''that'' work?
* GayGuySeeksPopularJock: Though due to the gay AlternateUniverse of the musical, the LovableJock is actually closeted ''straight'', and Chess is cooler than Football in any case.
* HasTwoMommies : Or two daddies.
* HighSchoolDance : The scene for Zanna to discover that everyone is now straight.
* [[CollegeRadio High School Radio]] : Tank is resident DJ.
* ICantBelieveAGuyLikeYouWouldNoticeMe : Mike, captain of the chess club goes out with Steve, quarterback of the football team. They even say this line.
* IncompatibleOrientation : Kate with Roberta, Steve with Mike, Zanna with Steve
* MagicWand : Zanna uses a literal magic wand, pretty star on the end and all.
* MagicalQueer : Literally!
* MatchmakerCrush : Zanna hooks up Mike and Steve, and then realizes that he likes Steve too.
* ThePowerOfLove : "Nothing done out of love can ever do us harm..."
* SlidingScaleOfIdealismVersusCynicism : Far on the side of idealism. Steve and Kate are briefly ostracized for their relationship, but Zanna saves them by turning the world upside-down. When Zanna is briefly ostracized at the prom, his friends return to include him and accept all kinds of love.
* TemptingFate : This is referencing Kate and Steve pretending to be in love. Bet you he regrets it four songs later.
-->'''Mike:''' You looked perfect!
* WideEyedIdealist : Oh Zanna...