CSI Crime Scene Investigation: Catherine is on the receiving end of a BRUTAL one from Leo Finley at the end of "A Thousand Days on Earth" as he explains to her how thoroughly she ruined his life and screams at her for not caring about doing it, then tells her in a chillingly calm tone that he's thinking about killing himself and how it'll be her fault if he does.
Manipulative Bastard Adam Monroe, one of the principal villains of Heroes, caps off the final episode of Season 2 with a magnificent diatribe against humanity's petty nature, successfully arguing in the process that Hiro Nakamura, the man who has come to stop him, effectively turned him into the man he is today.
In the later seasons these start to become a signature move of supervillain Sylar, as he often hands one out to the other characters before killing them or simply to screw around with them. Presumably this is a function of his original power of understanding how things (and people) work, combined with his acquired ability to learn a person's memories through touch.
Sylar gets one of these himself from Hiro Nakamura in Volume 5, where Hiro travels to the past, has a showdown with Season 1 Sylar, and finally tells him his fate: "You will collect a lot of powers. You will kill many people. You will become strong. The strongest of them all. But in the end, it won't make any difference. We all gather to stop you. You're alone. No one will mourn your death. No one will shed a tear. No one."
He also gives a reason WE suck to speech to Elle calling them both "damaged goods that will never change"
Samuel, channeling a bit of Adam Monroe, delivers a diatribe of his own against humanity about their inability to accept evolved humans into society towards a waitress in a restaurant in the town near his carnival, right before he drops the entire town into a big sinkhole.
"Breaking Bad": Mike Ehrmantraut delivers a devastating speech of this sort, which drives Walt mad and results in his own death, because Mike then turns his back on Walt.
In "The Best of Both Worlds: Part II", the Borg, by way of Locutus, delivered a chilling one to Commander Riker after the Enterprise's first attempt to stop them. "Your resistance is hopeless, (mocking Riker) Number One." It's almost as if the Borg were going to laugh in their faces, if they were the laughing types.
In Part I, Commander Shelby also gave one to Riker.
Shelby: All you know how to do is play it safe. I suppose that's why someone like you sits in the shadow of a great man for as long as you have, passing up one command after another.
Riker: When it comes to this ship and this crew, you're damned right I play it safe.
Shelby: If you can't make the big decisions, Commander, I suggest you make room for someone who can.
Quite a few Trek villains have cunning put-downs for humanity. The worst was Q telling Picard that humanity had been found to be "a grievously savage child race". Even though it came from a fictional character, it still stung.
It's not just villains who insult humanity. Riker asks a transdimensional alien why there is no record of his kind visiting humanity before. The alien actually laughs and says, "What arrogance. There's no record of us visiting you because we haven't before... It's only in the last hundred years that you've become of some interest of study." Ouch.
Let's not forget the one that Picard gives to Wesley in "The First Duty", at the Academy after he learns Wesley is lying to cover up an accident:
Picard: The first duty of every Starfleet officer is to the truth, whether it's scientific truth or historical truth or personal truth! It is the guiding principle on which Starfleet is based! If you can't find it within yourself to stand up and tell the truth about what happened, you don't deserve to wear that uniform!
In the "Chain of Command" two-parter, Picard is relieved of duty for a secret mission. The new captain, Jellico, is essentially a Jerkass (though he's not without valid points). His command vastly differs from Picard's, opting more for a military attitude and a "Get it done" approach. Jellico naturally butts heads with Riker and by Part 2, they really lay into each other.
Jellico: Let's drop the ranks for a moment. I don't like you. I think you're insubordinate, arrogant, willful, and I don't think you're a particularly good First Officer. Riker: Well, now that the ranks are dropped, Captain, I don't like you, either. You are arrogant and closed-minded. You need to control everything and everyone. You don't provide an atmosphere of trust, and you don't inspire these people to go out of their way for you. You've got everyone wound up so tight, there's no joy in anything. I don't think you're a particularly good Captain.
When Jellico then asks him to pilot the shuttle and, after Riker says yes, turns to leave, he nicely points out Jellico's rudeness as a parting shot.
Riker: You're welcome.
The episode "Ethics" ends with Dr Crusher delivering a thorough chewing-out to a particularly reckless doctor.
Crusher: You scare me, Doctor. You risk your patients' lives and justify it in the name of research. Genuine research takes time - sometimes a lifetime of painstaking, detailed work in order to get any results. Not for you. You take shortcuts - right through living tissue! You put your research ahead of your patients' lives. And as far as I'm concerned, that's a violation of our most sacred trust. I'm sure your work will be hailed as a stunning breakthrough. Enjoy your laurels, Doctor. I'm not sure I could.
DS9's "Afterimage"' features rogue Cardassian Garak delivering a cutting put-down to Ezri Dax concerning her perceived failure to live up to her predecessor's legacy, ending with "Now, get out of here... before I say something unkind."
And before that, in "The Wire", Garak harshly rebukes Bashir for his perceived naivete and "smug Federation sympathy" for believing that Garak deserved treatment for his withdrawal symptoms. Later in the episode, driven half-insane by all the side-effects of his withdrawal, Garak delivers a speech that swings wildly between lambasting Bashir and critcizing himself for the mistake that got him exiled: releasing a group of Bajoran prisoners from jail (at least, that's the story he was using that particular moment).
Bashir: You took pity on those children. There's nothing wrong with that!
Garak: Oh, I did! And that's the worst part: I can't believe that I actually enjoyed eating mediocre food and staring into your smug, sanctimonious face! I hate this place and I hate you.
Interestingly turned on its head in the final episode, where Garak gives a Reason I Suck Speech, condemning his entire race for their "history of arrogant oppression."
Quark gets in a good one on humanity, pointing out that while humans think they're better than the Ferengi, the Ferengi have no history of slavery or world war or other such pleasantries.
Quark: See we're nothing like you. We're better.
One wonders what his mother would have to say about that assertion.
Or the female crew members of Star Trek Enterprise after their one encounter with the Ferengi.
Sisko gets a good one on then-Vedek Winn in the first-season finale. She's trying to raise a stink about Keiko O'Brien not teaching a religious interpretation of the wormhole, and denounces the Federation as, basically, godless heathens. Sisko responds by giving up the entire station as an example of how Bajorans do not feel that way, then tells her that, for all her hate-mongering, people will soon forget it ever happened and go on with their lives. Winn can't even form a good comeback other than "We'll see." The whole thing turned out to be a Batman Gambit to assassinate a political rival, of course, but Sisko still owned her.
In "The Maquis" Sisko delivers a "the reason WE suck" speech at the Federation.
Sisko: Do you know what the trouble is? The trouble is Earth. On Earth, there is no poverty, no crime, no war. You look out the window of Starfleet Headquarters and you see Paradise. Well, it's easy to be a saint in Paradise, but the Maquis do not live in paradise. Out there in the Demilitarized Zone, all the problems haven't been solved yet. Out there, there are no saints — just people. Angry, scared, determined people who are going to do whatever it takes to survive, whether it meets with Federation approval or not!"
"Homefront/Paradise Lost": When Sisko heads to Earth to investigate possible Changeling infiltration, one of them comes right up to him to have a chat. He explains that they're caused so much chaos with only four infiltrators, then goes on to boast that the Founders won't lose because they don't fear their enemy, unlike the Federation.
At the end of the same episode Sisko scenery-chews an admiral into resigning.
In "Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges," Bashir faces his old Section 31 nemesis Sloan again. After the complicated plot unfolds and Bashir realizes that he's been an Unwitting Pawn, he is visited by Sloan at the end of the episode. Sloan hints at his own problems, but also says how they work to counteract Bashir's.
"The Federation needs men like you, Doctor - men with conscience, men who can sleep at night. And you're also the reason that Section 31 exists: to protect men like you from a universe which doesn't share your sense of right and wrong."
Eddington gets a pretty good one off in "For the Cause" at Sisko:
Eddington: Why is the Federation so obsessed with the Maquis? We've never harmed you. And yet we're constantly arrested and charged with terrorism. Starships chase us through the Badlands and our supporters are harassed and ridiculed. Why? Because we've left the Federation, and that's the one thing you can't accept. Nobody leaves paradise. Everyone should want to be in the Federation. Hell, you even want the Cardassians to join. You're only sending them replicators because one day they can take their "rightful place" on the Federation Council. You know, in some ways you're even worse than the Borg. At least they tell you about their plans for assimilation. You're more insidious. You assimilate people and they don't even know it."
Ezri: I tend to look at the Empire with a little more skepticism than Curzon or Jadzia did. I see a society that is in deep denial about itself. We're talking about a warrior culture that prides itself on maintaining centuries-old traditions of honor and integrity. But in reality, it's willing to accept corruption at the highest levels.
Worf: You are overstating your case.
Ezri: Am I? Who was the last leader of the High Council that you respected? Has there even been one? And how many times have you had to cover up the crimes of Klingon leaders because you were told that it was for the good of the Empire? I... I know this sounds harsh, but the truth is, you have been willing to accept a government that you know is corrupt. Gowron is just the latest example. Worf, you are the most honorable and decent man that I've ever met. And if *you're* willing to tolerate men like Gowron, then what hope is there for the Empire?
Seven: You are erratic... conflicted... disorganized. Every decision is debated, every action questioned, every individual entitled to their own small opinion. You lack harmony, cohesion, greatness. (beat) It will be your undoing."
Daniel delivers one of these to Vala in the series finale.
Princess Returning Pearl: Xiao Yan Zi gives Qian Long several of these, usually to do with his jerkass treatment of his concubines.
Malcolm in the Middle: Malcolm is subjected to one of these by a girl on whom he has a crush. After pestering her for hours as to why she likes some relatively unintelligent guy and not him, she sort of breaks down and explodes at him.
In a later episode, another girl he likes, though he was actually dating her at the time, explodes at him for genuinely making her despise him, in spite of the fact that he's smart, funny and cute, for being far too whiny and never listening to anything she says.
Another episode had Reese and Malcolm desperately trying to get into a party. After they fail, they desperately shout "WHY DON'T YOU LIKE US?!?". One scene transition later, Reese and Malcolm are okay and say that "they had some strong points".
Lois of all people gets one at the hands of a snarky RA who calls her out for being a possessive, smothering loser who even forced her way onto her son's college visit, to the point of sleeping in his room with him.
Lois also gives one to her oldest son, Francis, for constantly blaming her for everything that goes wrong in his life, and never owning up to his part at all. In the end, he takes a long, hard look in the mirror... and blames his wife, for not pointing this out to him sooner.
When Lois's mother meets several of their black friends, they put up with her overt racism with impressive patience until one of them finally has enough:
Malik: Every one of us is better than you in every way.' I'm smarter than you. I'm better educated, I contribute more to society. I've got a family who loves me. And I make more money in a month than you do in a year.
Doctor Who, "Journey's End". Just before Davros detonates the Reality Bomb to destroy all kinds of matter in all universes, he stops to taunt the Doctor, pointing out that he turns his companions into weapons, and that hundreds have died for him, and yet he still has failed.
Davros: The man who abhors violence, never carrying a gun. But this is the truth, Doctor. You take ordinary people and you fashion them into weapons. Behold your Children of Time transformed into murderers. How many have died in your name? The Doctor, the man who keeps on running, never looking back because he dare not, out of shame. This is my final victory, Doctor. I have shown you yourself. Stand witness, Time Lord; Stand witness, humans: Your strategies have failed, your weapons are useless, and... oh, the end of the universe has come!
Even though, as typical of villain arguments, it glosses over all the good, he had a fair point. It's even brought up again in a much later episode... by Rory Pond of all people. What's truly dangerous about the Doctor isn't that he makes people want to die for his cause (he can't control that, not without the consequences being even worse anyway) but because he makes them want to impress him. The Doctor can't control who chooses to die for him but he's fully aware of how much he shows off.
Rory: You know what's dangerous about you? It's not that you make people take risks, it's that you make them want to impress you. You make it so they don't want to let you down. You have no idea how dangerous you make people to themselves when you're around.
This particular example is given some Hypocritical Humor value later in the same episode when Rory ends up insisting that he be allowed to stay and help the Doctor face the dangers of that week's villain's plot. Given the guilt-trip he'd explicitly laid on the Doctor for precisely this sort of thing earlier, and given that the Doctor had clearly taken it on board and explicitly told his companions to go back to the TARDIS where they'd be safe, the Doctor is a little bit annoyed at Rory, but there's no time to argue.
One of the angstiest moments in old school Who was at the climax of "The Curse of Fenric": the seventh Doctor is forced to crush Ace's faith in him with a particularly nasty speech in order to make his plan pay off. He apologizes afterwards.
Fenric: Time for the one final game. The choice is yours, Time Lord. I shall kill you anyway, but if you would like the girl to live, kneel before me.
Ace: I believe in you, Professor.
Fenric: Kneel, if you want the girl to live!
The Doctor: ...Kill her.
Fenric: The Time Lord finally understands.
The Doctor: Do you think I didn't know? The chess set in Lady Peinforte's study. I knew.
Fenric: Earlier than that, Time Lord. Before Cybermen, ever since Ice World. Where you first met the girl.
The Doctor: I knew. I knew she carried the evil inside her. Do you think I'd have chosen a social misfit if I hadn't known? She couldn't even pass her chemistry exams at school, and yet she manages to create a time storm in her bedroom. I saw your hand in it from the very beginning.
The Doctor: You're an emotional cripple. I wouldn't waste my time on her, unless I had to use her somehow.
This is called back to in ''The God Complex" where the Eleventh Doctor has to break Amy's faith in him and gives a "Reason You Suck" speech to himself.
In "Cold Blood" of NuWho, the Doctor delivers one to the woman who tortured a sentient dinosaur to death and tries to destroy their civilization, thereby destroying peace talks and igniting a war between humanity and the other race. Every interaction he has with her for the rest of the show is essentially him telling her what a horrible person she is.
When you talk about this, you tell people we had a chance, but you are so much less than the best of humanity!
At least until the final minutes, where he responds to him saving her life despite this by stating "An eye for an eye... is not the right way." Then he advises her to ensure her son and future generations know that she was wrong, giving her a proper chance at redemption.
The Doctor: You can't control it, the mutation's too strong. Killing those people won't help you. You're a fool. A vain old man who thought he could defy nature, only nature got her own back, didn't she? You're a joke, Lazarus! A footnote in the history of failure!
Dr. House has patented these. So much so that at the end of season 3, two thirds of his staff quit on him.
House also recieves an epic one from Jack Moriarty, aka his own subconcious in the Season 2 finale.
Faith: Oh yeah? Give me the speech again, please. "Faith, we're still your friends. We can help you. It's not too late."
Willow: It's way too late. You know, it didn't have to be this way. But you made your choice. I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo. Poor you. You know, you had a lot more in your life than some people. I mean, you had friends like Buffy. Now you have no one. You were a Slayer and now you're nothing. You're just a big selfish, worthless waste.
Also, much more simply, after Faith challenges Buffy with the old classic "You think you're better than me!"
Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad? You suck.
Also, Buffy gives one to the potentials in the episode "Get it Done". Anya even lampshades it later.
Anya: You missed her "everyone sucks but me" speech. If she's so superior, let her find her own way back
Xander gives one to Buffy in "When She Was Bad" when her unwillingness to work with the group leads to everyone but Xander being kidnapped:
Xander:I don't know what your problem is, what your issues are. But as of now, I officially don't care. If you had worked with us for five seconds, you could have stopped this.
And let's not forget the one he gives to Spike in "Doomed":
Xander: "Hate to break it to you, O Impotent One, but you're not the Big Bad anymore. You're not even the Kinda Naughty! You're nothing but a waste of space - my space! And as much as I always got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum and as much as I know I can give you a little bum-kicking myself right now, I'm here to tell you something: you're not even worth it."
"You're such a hypocrite. Waltzing in here with your borrowed magicks. So you can tell me what? Magic's bad? Behave? Be a good girl? (chuckles) Well, I ... I don't think you're in any position to be telling me what to do. (camera pans up to show Giles pinned to the ceiling)
Buffy gives an awesome one to the Watcher's Council pointing out that their tests are just being used to save face and they're going to let her back in no matter what because they can't be Watchers without a Slayer.
Happens quite often on Angel. It makes sense when it comes from someone like Wolfram & Hart, or another of Angel's old enemies. But they can even come from a source as unlikely an insectoid priest who lives in another dimension, who started taunting Angel about how Angel's son will never appreciate him.
Another one of these speeches comes in "Conviction." Angel has stopped the bad guy of the week, a soldier working for Wolfram and Hart. The soldier says that all of his evil deeds were done simply because he likes being evil, but then points out that at least he believes in something. Angel, he is saying, has no real beliefs, and is just "going through the motions" (as Buffy sings about in her musical episode) without any real reason to want to do good.
Soldier: That's exactly what you are. You're miniscule. A dust mote on the shelf of that great institution. Now, you think I'm just a trigger-happy jerk who follows orders. But I'm something that you'll never be: I'm pure. I believe in evil. You and your friends, you're conflicted. You're confused. We're not. That's why you're going to lose. Because we possess the most powerful thing in the world: conviction.
Angel: There's one thing more powerful than conviction. Just one: mercy.
[Angel kicks his gun causing the soldier to shoot himself]
Other Soldier: What happened to mercy?
Angel: [walking off] You just saw the last of it.
Note that this is the first time since World War II that Angel (as opposed to his soulless alter-ego Angelus) has killed a human, and even that case was of turning a mortally wounded man into a vampire so that the man's skills could be used to save everyone else's lives. This time, it was a case of Angel starting to treat evil humans the same way he treats evil demons, something that the good guys previously always refused to do in the Buffyverse.
In Destiny, Spike gives one to Angel after defeating him in battle, explaining that Angel only does good when he has a soul, a soul forced on him as a curse. Spike was willing to do good even without a soul, and even then, he eventually fought to get one because he wanted to be a good person again.
Of course, Angel also poked holes in that speech and gave him a speech - which, just like Spike's speech, was essentially fan opinions used by shippers in the great Spike/Angel war.
In The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Cromartie actually delivers one of these to Sarah after he captures her in "Mr. Ferguson Is Ill Today," explaining how she screwed up and how he managed to find her, and throws in a few jabs at Cameron and John for good measure.
In Boston Legal, Alan comes up in trial against Jerry Espenson, a lawyer previously at Alan's firm who has Asperger's, and has been working on it through a variety of techniques. In the trial, he uses a wooden cigarette to relax and turns into a brash, arrogant (but very good) lawyer. Without it, he's a bumbling, hopping, purring, squealing man who never takes his hands off his thighs (thus the nickname "Hands" Espenson), who is a better lawyer. In a break in the trial, Jerry gives Alan a "This is why I'll win" speech, and Alan beats it with this:
Alan: Here's the problem with your theory, Jerry. As plausible as it sounds now, you and I both know that when you actually get up to give your closing, you're "Hands" Espenson. Chewing on a silly wooden cigarette isn't going to distract you from the reality that you have very little trial experience, that you're scared to death just to be in the room, and as able as you might be to fool others or even yourself, I know what you are. And knowing that I know, feeling my stare upon you, you'll be utterly reduced to an ineffective, bumbling, inarticulate man with Asperger's, because that's what you are, Jerry.
Jerry drops the cigarette, grabs his stuff, his hands go back to being pressed to his thighs and he runs out of the corridor, hopping on the way out, which makes him a massive Woobie.
Could also count as a What the Hell, Hero?, seeing as Jerry is one of just two people that Alan considers a friend. Immediately afterwards, Alan is remorseful and the consequences of his words are felt for the next few episodes.
In Scrubs, Dr. Cox is somewhat famous for delivering these to J.D. Other characters do this on occasion as well to a variety of different people, from patients to superior doctors to interns to... well, anyone, depending on who needs it.
Evil Queen: "You were unwanted, that's plain to see. Haven't you always known that, secretly? That you were the ugly duckling. And now you've given yourself delusions of grandeur, thinking you were capable of great things. But no... you were right in the first place. You are plain. Plain and ugly."
Played in the season 5 episode Dark Side of the Moon with Dean's mother (only not really).
Death gives one of these to Dean every time they meet (and do they ever put Dean in his place).
Dean himself gives a brief but pretty effective one in season 5, though, in Changing Channels:
Gabriel: You're just gonna, you're gonna leave me here forever?
Dean: No. We're not, 'cause we don't screw with people the way you do. And for the record? This isn't about some prize fight between your brothers or some destiny that can't be stopped. This is about you being too afraid to stand up to your family.
Gabriel ends up taking Dean's advice and gives his big brother Lucifer a good one in Hammer of the Gods:
Gabriel: Play the victim all you want. But you and me? We know the truth. Dad loved you best. More than Michael. More than me. Then he brought the new baby home and you couldn't handle it. So all this, it's just a great, big temper tantrum. Time to grow up.
In Season 4 episode "After-School Special," this happens twice. In a flashback, Sam delivers one to the school bully, coining the nickname of said bully, Dirk the Jerk. One was also delivered to Dean after a brief love interest catches him with another girl.
In "Clip Show", the penultimate Season 8 episode, Crowley uses one to explain to the Winchesters why he's killing all the people they've ever saved. For extra effectiveness, it's delivered over the phone while they're desperately trying to save Sarah, who he's killing with a hex.
Crowley: What's the line? "Saving people, hunting things. The family business." Well I think, the people you save, they're how you justify your pathetic little lives. The alcoholism, the collateral damage, the pain you've caused... The one thing that allows you to sleep at night — the one thing — is knowing these folks are out there, still out there, happy and healthy because of you. You great big bloody heroes. They're your life's work, and I am going to rip it apart. Piece by piece. Because I can. Because you can't stop me. Because when they're all gone, what will you have left?
In the pilot of Big Time Rush, after Gustavo ignores Kelly's advice to give the boys a break and tries to make them sing, Kendall accidentally causes a fight between him and the other three boys using fruit water and pillows. This results in Gustavo scolding them saying that they lack any potential whatsoever:
Gustavo: (looks at James, but says nothing and moves to Kendall) And worst of all, you don't even seem to WANT this! (Kendall coughs up feathers)
James: What about me? I sing, dance, and I want this.
Gustavo: You... remind me a lot of Matthew McConaughey.
Gustavo: I CAN'T STAND MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY! So, this group can't sing, can't dance, they don't have a song, or a look, and they're COVERED... IN FEATHERS! And I would rather quit-RIGHT NOW!-than commit pop suicide on Friday in front of the record company!
Minelli: You know, for 8 years, I've put up with the idiotic questions of the media, and I've never said squat. But today, I must tell you Meredith, you've really set a new standard in horse's-assery. You people have no ...concept ... of what we do. We go into dark, horrible places, alone and afraid. And we do it with no money, broken down vehicles, with computers that have more viruses than a $10 whore. How? Good people. And I lost 3 good people today, and a fourth is in critical condition. And you ask me how I'm feeling? I'm feeling sad, you moron. Any other questions? (silence) Okay then, good day to you. Lisbon, carry on.
"You are a pompous fool, you have no respect for the stage. You have no business working in the theatre. You slaughter the text, you fill the stage with animals, you're just an all-round goof."
Geoffrey seems to do variations on this theme at least once per episode, to Oliver. Particularly over the phone in the first episode, and when encouraged to do so in therapy, later.
In the season 6 premiere of LOST, the Monster gives such a speech about the recently deceased Locke to Ben, taunting his hope for destiny and purpose, indirectly making fun of Ben's uselessness in the process, and (intentionally) enraging all of the viewers who have put so much faith in Locke over the years.
The Monster: "Do you want to know what he was thinking when you choked him, Benjamin? What the last thought that ran through his head was? I don't understand. Isn't that just the saddest thing you ever heard? But it's fitting in a way because when John first came to the island he was a very sad man, a victim shouting at the world for being told what he couldn't do, even though they were right. He was weak and pathetic and irreparably broken."
"But- there was something admirable about him".
Locke has received so many of these, it's not even funny.
Ben: "I feel for you, John. I really do. You keep heading dead ends. You couldn't find the cabin, you can't make contact with Jacob and now you are so desperate to figure out what to do next you are even asking me for help. So, here we are, just like old times. Except I'm locked in a different room, and you're more lost than you ever were."
Jack: "Have you ever stopped to think that maybe these delusions that you are special aren't real? That maybe there is nothing special about you at all? That maybe you are just a lonely old man who crashed on an island?"
Sawyer: "Locke was scared even when he was pretending he wasn't."
Kate: "I think about you sometimes. I think about how desperate you were to stay on that Island. And then I realized... it was all because you didn't love anybody."
Richard: "Over, uh, twenty years ago, a man named John Locke, he walked right into our camp. And he told me that he was going to be our leader. Now I've gone off the Island three times, to visit him. But he never seemed particularly special to me."
In "H.O.U.S.E. Rules", a season 1 episode of the sci-fi comedy Eureka, resident smug snake Nathan Stark gets one in against idealistic super genius Henry Deacon when he tells him "People like you don't get to do what you do unless people like me do what I do. Idealist don't get much done without a few realists running interference for them. So get off your moral high horse."
Red Dwarf does these constantly throughout the series. The vast majority are aimed at Arnold Judas Rimmer; but each major character gets targetted with at least one, including latecomer Kochanski.
"Time Slides" has a distraught and disillusioned Lister blasting through a list of reasons he's sick of his fellow crew members — the vast majority aimed at and said to Rimmer, including, "...the fact that you always smile when you're being insulted."
Rimmer does something similar in "Out Of Time", when he appoints himself Morale Officer for the crew. This seems to involve walking up to each of them and yelling at them a lengthy list of things about them that annoy him. Works for him, anyway.
In "Terrorform", when asked why he would have such a massive sense of self-loathing, Kryten goes on for nearly a minute detailing in an impersonal and analytical manner on why anyone would dislike Rimmer (and only goes through half the list).
Turned Up to Eleven by Kryten in the episode "Justice", when he builds a case around proving Rimmer innocent of manslaughter. by virtue of being so absolutely incompetent that if he was actually placed in a position where he could cause a disaster, the real blame would lie with whoever was moronic enough to give him that job in the first place. He succeeds in winning Rimmer a full reprieve.
Kryten: "This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime; it is also his punishment."
Rimmer gives one of these to the Cat in "DNA", prompting the response, "You've just listed all of my best features!"
On of the most epic uses of this trope occurs in "The Inquisitor". Not only do nearly all of the gang get them from each other; but, via the titular Inquisitor, they each get a "The Reason You Suck" Speech from themselves. Interestingly, Rimmer and Cat prove themselves worthy of survival by, respectively, arguing that "suck" is a step up from where he started, and proving as shallow in giving the speech as receiving it. Lister tries to ignore the charges entirely, and Kryten attempts a Shut Up, Hannibal!, both only serving to piss off the Inquisitor.
The Inquisitor (as Arnold Rimmer): "It's a bit metaphysical, I know; but it's the only fair way.
In Life On Mars, Sam Tyler gives a good one to the woman who — on orders from a local gangster — led him into a 'honey trap' to neutralize him as a threat and then made the mistake of taunting him about it.
Sam: You're a loser, Joni... or whatever your name is. Because you live in fear. And that's not really living at all, is it? See, I don't live in fear. I'm alive.
Sid gives Tony one of these in the first series of Skins, basically telling him that Tony's sociopathic behaviour means Sid has lost all respect for him, he has no friends and even Effy (the only person Tony cares about) isn't returning his phone calls.
Vicki: Let's get one thing straight you perky little bitch. You had my brother whipped for 15 years. 15 years and then you dumped him. When I look at you that is all I see. And I will see Jeremy whenever I want because I have some fun new little toys to play with and I won't think twice about ripping your little head off.
Matt gives one to Rebekah that turns out to be a hallucination; hence, Rebekah's own subconscious was telling her why she sucked.
In The Wonder Years, Kevin gives a crushing blow to Wayne when one of Wayne's pranks goes too far and he accidentally sucks up the class hamster in the vacuum cleaner:
Kevin: You want to know why Angela wouldn't come over?!
Wayne: Shut up!
Kevin: Because she doesn't like you, Wayne!
Wayne: Shut up!
Kevin: She doesn't - nobody does!
Wayne: Shut up!
Kevin: No! You may be bigger than me, and stronger than me. But you know what, Wayne? I have friends! Nobody likes you, Wayne! You're just mean, to everybody, all the time, because... nobody likes you! You're pathetic!
In Private Practice, Cooper gives one of these in a speech to his live-in girlfriend. And it was harsh. He called her a "sex toy I got online", tells her she's heartless, bitchy, mercenary, and has daddy issues. And that's how Cooper became a Jerk Ass.
Throughout The Twilight Zone episode "The Masks," the dying millionaire has been quietly insulting his greedy family; however, close to the end of his Becoming the Costume plot, he delivers an impressive rant against them before dying and leaving them horribly disfigured by their masks.
Emily Harper: Are you feeling weaker father?
Jason Foster: At last, a note of hope in your voice Emily.
Emily Harper: Why must you always say such miserable, cruel things to me?!
Wilfred Harper Sr.: Yes father I quite agree!
Jason Foster: Why indeed, Emily, because you're cruel and miserable people! Because none of you respond to love! Emily responds only to what her petty hungers dictate! Wilfred responds only to things that have weight and bulk and value! He feels books, he doesn't read them! He appraises paintings, he doesn't seek out their truth or their beauty! And Paula there lives in a mirror; the world is nothing more to her than a reflection of herself. And her brother... Humanity, to him, is a small animal, caught in a trap, to be tormented! His pleasure is the giving of pain, and from this he receives the same sense of fulfillment most human beings get from a kiss or an embrace! You're caricatures, all of you! Even without your masks, you're caricatures!
The Mash season one episode "Sticky Wicket" offers this gem:
Hawkeye Pierce: You think you're the only one who's busy. You asked for help three times today, three! Give me some salt, I can still taste this. Then when you make a mistake, you're not smart enough to admit it and start over. We're not here to compensate for you.
Trapper John McIntyre: I'll buy that.
Frank Burns: Well, I don't buy it.
Margaret Houlihan: Neither do I.
Trapper John: It's a tie, two against fifty.
Hawkeye: You're inconsiderate, insulting with your nurses, bloody arrogant, demanding, distracting, and dumb. And those are your good points. You're also surgically incompetent. I wouldn't let you operate on me for dandruff!
In a later episode, BJ is lamenting how sad his life is by his wife having to work and he is missing out on important parts of his daughter's early life. Margaret gives him a dressing down ("How dare you think your type of pain is more important that ours") pointing out that the only reason he has more to lose is that he has more to start with.
Being the kind of show that it is, you wouldn't be surprised to find examples from Battlestar Galactica here. But consider the Number One Cylon model's utter contempt for humanity summed up with this unforgettable rant.
Number One: I don't want to be human! I want to see gamma rays! I want to hear X-rays! And I want to - I want to smell dark matter! Do you see the absurdity of what I am? I can't even express these things properly because I have to - I have to conceptualize complex ideas in this stupid limiting spoken language! But I know I want to reach out with something other than these prehensile paws! And feel the solar wind of a supernova flowing over me! I'm a machine! And I can know much more! I can experience so much more. But I'm trapped in this absurd body! And why? Because my five creators thought that "God" wanted it that way!
Both Adamas on the show beautifully deliver one to every single human in existance, Bill gives his in the miniseries, and Lee when he testifies during Baltar's trial in "Crossroads"; in fact, if they weren't you know human, Cavil would probably be begging them to teach him how its done.
And Lt Gaeta hands old man Adama a pretty damned good one of his own as the mutiny makes itself known late in season 4.
On a Christmas episode of Night Court, not-so Lovable Lech Dan Fielding, of all people, delivers an epic one to a scrooge-like business owner who has just confiscated stolen toys back from a group of kids:
Dan: I'd just like to say that you are fully within your legal rights, sir and also THAT WAS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! (pause) And I only wish you knew who it was saying this to you....
Shadow Dancing had Stephen Franklin give a ruthless one to himself, via a hallucination at the end of his walkabout on Babylon 5. Bonus points for it doubling as a Rousing Speech.
The season three opener of Ashes to Ashes has Gene Hunt receiving one of these from Jim Keats.
Keats: You think you're so special. So clever. So needed. So damned right. You fooled everyone into believing in you. And I have the horrible, unpopular job of showing the world what you really are. The things you've done? Oh, they won't want to believe it. Because they love you. They think they know you, and they'll hate me for it. But in the end, they will see. As sad as it will be for them, they will see. I know what you did, three years ago. I know.
Gene: So you're gonna bring me down? Why're you telling me that?
Keats: See, that's what's ironic. You can't leave here, no matter what happens. This place defines you, which means you're going to have to sit here and watch me close your little kingdom forever. And you're left with a scrap heap. I just hope I can help Alex before it's too late.
In an episode of The League of Gentlemen Ross gives one to Pauline thinly disguised as a Reason You Can't Have This Job Speech during a mock interview:
You strike me as a bully; you're ill-mannered, ignorant and foul mouthed. You're not qualified for this job. And apart from anything else - you're too old. Miss.
Occurs every now and then on Rescue Me. Most of them are directed at protagonist Tommy Gavin, given by his angered wife, extended family, firehouse brothers, and even the dead.
In The Outer Limits episode, Heart's Desire, an alien arrives at the Wild West and gives four outlaws superpowers. Naturally, all but one get themselves killed due to fighting amongst themselves, though the survivor was more moral and level-headed than the others, and only fought in self-defense. The alien tells the survivor that Humans Are the Real Monsters and takes away his powers before disappearing:
The fate of a world isn't determined by its best examples, but by its worst. It takes a few to destroy the many, especially when even the best of you can be dragged down into the mire. Judging from your example, brother against brother, friend against friend, you people have such a potential for violence, sheer, unvarnished wickedness, I've got every confidence you'll destroy yourself before you build your first inter-stellar engine. We've got nothing to fear from you.
Roger Sterling puts down Pete Campell in a rather epic way on Mad Men.
"I want you to be very clear about this: You were fired. I wanted you out. Cooper wanted you out. And you would be, if it weren't for this man. [motions to Don] He thought you deserved another chance. That's right. He fought for you. You are here because of Don Draper's largess. Now, I know that your generation went to college instead of serving, so I'll illuminate you. This man is your commanding officer. You live and die in his shadow. Understood?"
What makes this speech all the better is that Roger is lying through his teeth. In fact, he was the one who had to explain to Draper that Campbell has Ultimate Job Security due to his family connections, but the key to managing Campbell is to make sure he never realizes it.
You're not a good man. You never were, even before we were married. And you know what I'm talking about.
She has quite possibly an even better one against Don Draper in season six:
"Honestly, Don, if I could deal with him, you could deal with him. And what now? I went through all of that for nothing? Just once, I would like to hear you use the word 'we.' Because we're all rooting for you from the sidelines, hoping you will decide whatever you think is right for our lives!"
That '70s Show. Kitty bashed Laurie with a very simple sentence: "You're a brat, you're goofing off in college and you're mean to your brother". Then there was the time Eric chewed out two jocks who complained that the beer keg at Eric's party had a broken tap...which was broken because they had broken it a few minutes ago. And the time when Eric called out Red. "You know how you always tell me to be a man? Well, BE A MAN!"
In the How I Met Your Mother episode "The Goat" in Season 3, Ted gives one to Barney after he sleeps with Robin (who was his girlfriend in Season 2):
Ted: You think that this is just about Robin? This is about... You know, I've seen you do some bad stuff. I mean, some really terrible stuff to a lot of different people. I just always thought there had to be a limit. I always thought I was the limit. You're always spouting off these rules for bros. Isn't one of them, "don't do this"? Barney: Yeah. And I broke it. I'm sorry. But, Ted...seriously, this suite at the Bellagio... Ted: I am not going to Vegas with you! I'm not going to blow off my friends and my girlfriend, and spend my 30th birthday in a strip club. The fact that you think I would... (Beat) You know, Barney, earlier this week, I started putting things in a box, and that box was labeled "stuff I have no use for anymore." Barney: What does that mean? Ted: It means...maybe you belong in that box. Barney: Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore? Ted:I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.
Bob Barker's not your father! You've concocted this delusional idea that a game show host is your real father, and he's not! You were abandoned, Barney! You were abandoned, and you never dealt with it, and so now you never allow yourself to feel anything, and that's how you survive in this corporate world, and if I keep heading down this path, I'm gonna turn into you!
Somewhat averted in that it's a psychological exercise Barney set up himself, and he's nodding and grinning and urging Marshall on the whole time — although that thing about the suits does seem to shake him for a second.
Ted gave the other four a truly epic one in "False Positive" after they all decided to make mature, life-changing decisions, then blew them off in favor of cowardly or selfish choices instead:
Ted:Are you kidding me?!?[to Marshall and Lily] All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now! I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO! [to Barney] And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list. [to Robin] And YOU, you did not move to the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. (takes out coin) So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News. (flips coin into Robin's face) Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig! (everyone flees in terror, Ted's phone rings) Punchy (on the phone): Ted I can't get married! Ted:YES YOU CAN YOU LOVE HER! Punchy: You're right I do, thanks Ted!
After 56 days of Marshall's depression over Lily leaving him, Ted gives him one why he can't go and beg her to take him back.
Ted: BECAUSE YOU'RE PATHETIC! I'm sorry. But right now, you are NOT Marshall. You are the miserable, whining, shampoo-sniffing ghost of Marshall and frankly, a guy like you doesn't have a shot in hell with a girl like Lily. You know who might have a shot somewhere down the line? Marshall. The REAL Marshall. But if you go down there now like this, you'll blow it for him and he's never gonna forgive you. Of course, whatever I say, you just will do the opposite so, have a great weekend! Good luck screwing up your life.
On Late Night With David Letterman, Letterman has had enough of comic-book writer Harvey Pekar repeatedly appearing on his show with the intention of promoting his work, only for him to be rude and attack his sponsors and engage in confrontational rants on national television. Letterman ridicules him ("I'm praying for a terrorist") and talks over Pekar. When his guest wouldn't budge, he finally bans him from the show.
Harvey: Don't worry, Dave. I won't be coming back unless you really ask me. (continually interjects from then on)
Oh, Glee. 90% of Sue Sylvester's dialogue. The one she gives her mother in episode 2x08 is particularly epic and scathing, though.
In "Original Song", Rachel thinks that this is what Quinn is giving her regarding their Love Triangle with Finn, although, listening to the speech itself, it is painfully clear that Quinn has in fact realized what tiny people she and Finn are going to be in comparison to Rachel.
Quinn: Do you want to know how this story plays out? I get Finn, you get heart-broken. And then Finn and I stay here and start a family. I'll become a successful real estate agent, and Finn will take over Kurt's dads tire shop. You don't belong here Rachel, and you can't hate me for helping to send you on your way.
Quinn: Yes it is! You are so frustrating! And that is why you can't write a good song; because you live in this little school girl fantasy of life. Rachel, if you keep looking for that happy ending, then you are never going to get it right!
Emma finally standing up for herself, and verbally bitch-slapping Schuester in front of the entire staff.
Will: Emma, can I talk to you in private?
Emma: No, you can't. Will, we're going to talk about this here and now, because I have absolutely nothing to hide. Actually, did you know I was seeing a therapist? Do you know that? Did you know I've been trying to work through my OCD so I could be with you? Will, do you think that's fun for me? It's not fun, it's absolutely humiliating. And come to find out you've been fooling around with some woman named Shelby, and you slept with April Rhodes.
Will: How did you find out about that?
Emma: You're not denying it. Wow, okay. See, I thought we were trying to work through this. I thought when you said you were trying to figure out things on your own, I really thought you meant that. I'm not going to stand for this anymore. I'm not. I'm putting my foot down, and I'm finally sticking up for myself. You're a slut, Will. You're a slut. You're a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut. Everybody should know that. And you should know that I'm through with you.
In "I Am Unicorn", Will finally puts Quinn in her place when she tries to blame Glee Club for "ruining" her life:
Will: You're not a little girl anymore, Quinn. How long are you planning on playing the victim card? Since day one, you've done nothing but sabotage the same Glee club that's been there for you over and over again! When you got pregnant, when your parents kicked you out... You know, Mercedes even let you live in her house! And I don't recall ever hearing so much as a 'thank you'. Tonight, you're a train wreck. Well, congratulations. But you stride into my office and tell me it's MY fault? Well, then I have something to say to you... Grow up.
Kurt standing up to Karofsky in "Never Been Kissed"
Kurt: You going to hit me? Do it.
Karofsky:Do not push me.
Kurt: Hit me, because it's not going to change who I am. You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!
Karofsky: Get out of my face!
Kurt: You are nothing but a scared little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!
"Mash-Off" has four speeches - one from Santana to Finn, calling him a fat, untalented failure. Finn then shoots right back, calling her a self-hating bitch. Later, Shelby then chews out Quinn for her psychotic behavior in trying to get her baby back, and Quinn calls Shelby a whore.
"Kissed a Girl" was chock full of them! Puck has one to Quinn, after she invites him over to "not watch a movie." He calls her out, saying, paraphrased:
Puck: I used to be really into you, I thought you were hot, and like, the coolest girl in the entire school. But now, I see otherwise. You're not as hot, you might just be the most selfish person I've ever met, and you're kinda nuts.
He has another one, to Shelby, calling her out for being to scared to start a relationship with him. Granted, she's a teacher, and he's a student, but it still counts.
Kurt, Holly Holliday and Cassandra July all hand Rachel short but beautifully formed examples of this at different points in attempts to impress on her that no amount of talent (assumed or real) will make people put up with her rude, arrogant and conceited behavior. Cassie actually does it within five minutes of first encountering Rachel and her 'I'm better than the teacher' eyeroll, which is both perceptive and expedient.
In "The Quarterback", Santana gives one to Sue Sylvester, calling her out on all the torture she's put them through for the last 3 years and how rude she's been. Needless to say, it was pretty effective.
In the Farscape episode "Durka Returns," Rygel finally manages to deliver one of these to his old torturer.
Rygel: Durka, you are pathetic. Look at you: salivating at the chance to maim and kill someone who can't even defend herself. Foaming at the mouth like a sick trelkez. Pathetic.
Durka: Why Rygel, what's this?
Rygel: Something I should have said to you a long time ago.
Durka: Yet you didn't. I was going to save you for a bargaining tool. But now I'm wondering... do you think your shipmates would really care if I just burnt your face right off?
Rygel: Go ahead and find out- I don't care... because the all-powerful Durka is a failure. It's the truth, Durka! You tortured me without mercy, but you never broke me! You only made me stronger! And even if you kill me, I'll be laughing at you because the last thing I'll think of is you on Nebari Prime for another 100 cycles, being ground back down into nothing!
Scott delivers a minor one to Shifter in Power Rangers RPM just before destroying him.
Scott: You thought you could escape, but I tracked you down. All your Attack Bots failed, and then your Hyper Bot was destroyed. Then you tried to control me, and even that didn't work! This is the end of the line for you, Shifter.
Earlier in RPM ("Doctor K"), Tenaya 7 says this to Dr. K, hiding away in her lab, causing the normally emotionless scientist to angrily fire her sound cannon:
Rita Repulsa: Oh, Lord Zedd, give me another chance! I will not fail again!
Lord Zedd: QUIET! Those Power Rangers were nothing but mere infants! You were defeated by children! You dare call yourself the Empress of Evil? You are not fit to destroy a cockroach!
The soundtrack/Rock Adventure distills this somewhat, but it's no less awesome (especially since it's done during Zedd's Leitmotif:
Rita Repulsa: I will not fail again!
Lord Zedd: QUIET! Those Power Rangers were nothing but mere infants! You were defeated by children! You dare call yourself the Empress of Evil? You have made me very angry! Your days of control are over! There will be no other chances!
Loewen: Oh, yeah, is that right, huh? Well, from what I hear, the Aryans in Oswald are a sorry bunch. That guy who saved me from choking, Beecher. I hear you've been trying to airhole him for about six fucking years and all you have to show for it is that little scar above your eye there.
Schillinger: I did have his son killed. And his father.
Loewen: What are you, an idiot? Saying shit like that out loud? You know, Vernie, I've got to tell you I never thought you were the brightest bulb in the chandelier. You always had this huge ego with nothing to back it up. You always had these big plans with no balls behind them. Shit. If it weren't for your daddy, I wouldn't have given you the time of fucking day. You're an embarrassment to the brotherhood.
Beecher and Schillinger get at least two a season.
Hill gives a big one to Burr Redding: "Bullshit! The fact of the matter is, I wouldn't be in Oz, I wouldn't be in this chair, if you had only let me have the fucking paper route!"
On All My Children, Janet Green, fed up with the way the people of Pine Valley have been treating her ever since her release from prison, starts off one of these with "You self-righteous, sanctimonious bunch of HYPOCRITES!", then proceeds to truthfully point out that nearly every single one of them has done something despicable, yet they have all been forgiven or given forgiveness and are now pillars of the community, all the while showing little to no remorse for their actions nor making efforts at making amends to the people they hurt, whereas she has been bending over backwards trying to redeem herself only to be consistently treated like dirt.
In the Noah's Arc movie, Brandon gives a short but effective one to Ricky regarding his promiscuity.
Also, Cliff Calley gives a great one to a Republican congressman who wants to force Leo to admit that he fell off the wagon during the first Bartlet campaign in order to humiliate him during the hearings in "Bartlet for America."
Cliff: This is bush league. This is why good people hate us, this, right here, this thing... And if you proceed with this line of questioning, I will resign this committee and wait in the tall grass for you, Congressman, because you are killing the party.
The Office: Stanley gives Michael one in "Did I Stutter?" This causes Michael to stop trying to be Stanley's friend, put his foot down, and demand the respect owed to him as Stanley's boss.
When Michael has the entire office "Roast" him, each worker gives a brief Reason You Suck Speech to Michael. But unlike a real Roast, there is no implication that they are joking nor do they end it by saying anything endearing in the end. Dwight even tries to stop them in the middle of the Roast but later slams Michael after he calls him an idiot.
Dwight: Are you calling me an idiot? Don't you dare talk to me that way you pathetic sad little man; you don't have any friends, or any family, or any land!
Then there was the collective emotional turmoil the study group went through and then delivered at Starburns's funeral.
Jeff gets one from Professor Whitman early in the first season.
Recurring character Todd gives one to the entire study group, citing their cliquiness, their unhealthy codependency and their ability to turn the smallest disagreements into shouting matches.
Chang get's one as a back-handed compliment/promotion. The group considers whether to add Rich, whom Jeff met/hates at pottery class or Chang, to the group. Jeff roots for Chang, who he says smells like Band-aids, is a terrible person, emphasises words at random, and makes bad puns.
And of course, there's Troy's smackdown of Britta in "Biology 101".
Troy: You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.
Jeff tries to give one of these to The Black Rider, but it reveals nothing but his own insecurities. At no point has the Rider made any kind of reference to his own or anyone else's handsomeness, people have just commented on it in front of Jeff. So he goes with:
Jeff: You think you're good looking but you're not. You're average. You're just an average looking guy with a big chin.
Jeff gives one to Pierce's father over his terrible parenting, which brings on a fatal heart attack.
Sharpe's Waterloo: The Prince of Orange is a snivelling brat and an incompetent military leader who has caused the deaths of many, many of his own men. One of his immediate subordinates has finally had enough:
Doggett: You did it again! Colonel Sharpe said you would do it again, and you did! All those men dead because you wanted to get out? You coward!
Rebecque: Doggett! His Royal Highness cannot be called a coward.
Doggett: No, dammit. No, not cowardice, not that. Just so he can dance and prance, and make high cockalorum, while men die? Horribly? It is too much, I declare, too much! I shall say it! [hesitates, then plunges on] You sir, are a silk stocking full of shit! [rides away]
The best one in the entire series is in Sharpe's Eagle:
Wellesley: Major Lennox answered with his LIFE sir! As you should have done if you had any sense of honor! You shamed us sir! You disgraced us sir! You will answer. By God you will answer! The South Essex is stood down in name. If I wipe the name I may wipe the shame. I am making you a battalion of detachments, you will fetch and carry. The Light Company put up a fight, so I will let it stand under a new captain.
Simmerson: To be commanded by the newly gazetted Captain Gibbons, sir?
Wellesley: To be commanded by the newly gazetted Captain Sharpe, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Russell Edgington and I have been a vampire for nearly three-thousand years. Now, the American Vampire League wishes to perpetuate the idea that we are just like you. I suppose in a few small ways we are. We're narcissists. We care only about getting what we want no matter what the cost just like you. Global warming, perpetual war, toxic waste, child labor, torture, genocide, That's a small price to pay for your SUVs and your flat screen TVs, your blood diamonds, your designer jeans, your absurd garish McMansions! Futile symbols of pertinence to quell your quivering, spineless souls. But no, in the end we are nothing like you. We are immortal. Because we drink the true blood. Blood that is living, organic and human. And that is the truth the AVL wishes to conceal from you because let's face it eating people is a tough sale these days so they put on their friendly faces to pass their beloved VRA but make no mistake. Mine is the true face of vampire! Why would we seek equal rights? You are not our equals. We will eat you after we eat your children. Now time for the weather. Tiffany?
In The Wire, Detective Moreland (aka The Bunk) gives one of these to Omar, largely because of Do Not Do This Cool Thing. Omar may be perhaps the most badass character in Baltimore, but his actions have consequences.
McNulty gets at least three before the series concludes due to his self-destructive behavior.
McNulty himself also delivers one to Brianna Barksdale, D'Angelo's mother for convincing her son that the right thing to do was to stay loyal to their violent, drug-dealing organization, in spite of being a father himself and having a twenty year sentence hanging over his head. This would in turn lead to that same violent, drug-dealing organization to decide that D'Angelo was too much of a loose thread and have him killed in spite of his loyalty. The biggest cut into her though is when she asks McNulty why he went to D'Angelo's baby's-mama with this information rather than herself, he replies that he was just trying to find someone that cared about D'Angelo.
Tyres, the drug-addled Cloud Cuckoolander from Spaced rants at both Tim and Daisy about their personality flaws and general fecklessness. Of course, his mood swings are too frequent for him to stay mad.
The Killing: Sarah Linden gets called out more than once on her being a terrible mother, and in season 3 she calls out an even worse mother than her, Danette Leeds, while also being called out by the wife of her partner on the original investigation for the affair she had with him. She also swiftly and scathingly calls out Holder's new partner on his laziness and obnoxious behavior.
iCarly: In iDate Sam & Freddie, Carly is being dragged along to Sam and Freddie's dates to try and prevent them from fighting. She spends the entire episode watching Sam and Freddie bickering, fighting and making her fix their problems. At the end of the episode after they start another fight on a date at a fancy restaurant, Carly snaps. She delivers a "frustrated speech" version of this trope to Sam and Freddie about how they shouldn't be dating at all.
Malcolm: Jesus H Fucking Corbett. Do you honestly think- do you honestly believe that, as a minister, you can get away with that? You are saying that all your local state schools, all the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rapesheds and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake! Sort it, or abort it.
Malcolm: Of course it fucking does; as per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight twenty-four hours a day, darling. You know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and Eric fucking Bristow's on the orchie, flingin' a million darts made of human shit right at you: can you take that? CAN YOU?
Nicola: Okay, look, you- the all-swearing eye- you didn't even know how many kids I had, you had to ask me! So who on earth in the press is going to even know or care?
Malcolm: Do you remember The Big Breakfast? Do you remember that program? You remember how Chris Evans started that, you know how that was a big success? And then they had that guy, Johnny Vaughan, you remember him? Everybody loved him- fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is, here? This here is series ten of The Big Breakfast, and you're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. (Beat) So low. Waaaaaaaaaay way way way way way way way... low. You are now being scrutinized for what you wear and what you say: for your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage, and your dress- which, by the way, is way too loud.
Nicola: Too loud?
Malcolm: Yeah, I'm getting fuckin' tinnitus, here. (Beat) Look, your crooked husband I can make go away... but your crooked husband, combined with you being worried about your underaged daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp.
An episode later, Nicola fucks up: her department has lost seven months worth of files, nobody has any idea where the backup went, Nicola has succeeded in making herself look like a Soap Box SadieGranola Girl in a conference with the press, and ultimately ended up revealing the scandal about the lost files to an on-the-record journalist. And naturally, Malcolm lets her have it:
Malcolm: I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm extremely miffed about today's events, and in my quest to try to make you understand the level of my unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call violent sexual imagery, and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that.
Nicola: I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm-
Malcolm:Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave. Right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ecoli, and then you sprayed it out of your arse at three hundred miles per hour.
Nicola: I simply made a mistake-
Malcolm: You got "on the record" and "off the record" fuckin' mixed up! What would have happened if, like, George Martin had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that, I've had to fuckin' sit next to Paul McCartney at fuckin' Checkers.
Nicola: The data loss wasn't my fault.
Malcolm: Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fuckin' pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him "I don't think she's up to the job"?
Nicola: You said yourself that if the PM sacks me after a week, it looks like he's fucked up!
Malcolm: Yeah, but that was before, when your biggest problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper and a face like Dot Cotton lickin' piss off a nettle!
Nicola: OK, I messed up! Right? I messed up! But I will, from now on, listen to every bit of advice you give me: I'll go on Question Time wearing a push-up bra and a fez, I'll do the Hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is, because you know about that stuff, Malcolm, I know that. It's just I've got things I want to do, alright.
In a later episode, one of the more seriously dramatic ones, someone who is totally unconnected to politics (and is indeed very sympathetic and admirable) has just had his career ruined thanks to Nicola. Notably, even Malcolm feels bad about this, and is trying (not particularly successfully) to be genuinely gentle and nice about it. While Nicola's trying not to break down with guilt, Malcolm tells her that this PR clusterfuck is a war with the Opposition, so she's going to have to fight. She responds with a short, but very accurate, rant about how all this trouble (plus virtually every other thing that's gone wrong in the series,) is the result of people like Malcolm being obsessed with fighting and power, and that this attitude is the reason people despise politics so much. Unfortunately, Malcolm isn't even vaguely impressed; after telling her to "Spare me your psycho-fanny" and telling her a series of lies about how the opposition are mocking her misfortune, he makes her an offer that makes her fling her priciples to the wind and turn the aforementioned PR clusterfuck into a war with the opposition.
In Series 4, Nicola has ended up becoming Leader of the Opposition between seasons. However, when it turns out that she's about the weakest possible leader the party could have been saddled with, Malcolm orchestrates a scheme to force her out of the job. And as a final insult to injury, when Nicola tries to suck up to the new Opposition Leader, Malcom delivers one last magnificent speech explaining just how little standing she has.
Malcolm: You are not a grandee, you are a fucking "blandee". No-one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist! No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. And by the way, women fucking hate you! I can show you the polling: they think you come across as a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flat-lining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because it will fuck the government and it will fuck you. Now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in Grazia.
Nicola: Okay... you... well... you just need to know that you have absolutely... fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing into your tent!
Malcolm: Well, you know what? Your piss will never fuckin' make it into my tent, because by some unforseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco- like every fuckin' Nicola-Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years- you'll end up blowing your own fuckin' stream into your own fuckin' face! There's your golden handshake!
In the Make It Or Break It episode "Life Or Death," new coach Darby's "let's all be friends" technique - including agreeing to let the girls of The Rock go to see Emily's boyfriend in concert the night before a crucial meet - results in Lauren and Co. getting their asses kicked. Payson does not mince her words in the aftermath...
Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode "Castle of Fu Manchu". Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank send Joel and the Bots a rather BAD movie, causing the Bots to break down by the first host segment, and Joel crying by the third act. Forrester and Frank begin preping for the victory by the end of the movie, when Joel fires back at them.
Reader: These being the words of Marcus Tullius Cicero: When I was a young man, I defended the State. As an old man, I shall not abandon it. I give sincere thanks to Mark Antony, who has generously presented me with the most promising theme imaginable. I address you directly, Antony. Please listen as if you... as if you... please listen, as if you were sober and intelligent, and not a drink-sodden, sex-addled wreck. You are certainly not without accomplishments: it is a rare man who can boast of becoming a bankrupt before even coming of age. You have brought upon us war, pestilence and destruction. You are Rome's Helen of Troy. But then... but then... a woman's role has always suited you best."
Weekend Update has a segment called "Really??" where Seth Meyers and usually a co-host will give a speech to a person or group of people about how stupid they are.
On both the British and American editions of Kitchen Nightmares, Gordon Ramsay frequently gives these to the owners and chefs of restaurants he works with, but the most scathing was probably to the eponymous owner of "Sebastian's" on the American edition:
Gordon: I'm forty years of age, and I've gone to a lot of restaurants, but I've never, ever, ever, ever met someone I believe in as little as you.
He ends up topping this in the sixth season towards "Amy's Baking Company" after watching the hellhole that the place had become, one so out of his reach, he left.
Gordon: I can't help people that can't help themselves and cannot ever take one ounce of criticism. If you're not willing to change, I'm not going to butt heads, argue, scream... but this is not normal. And it's not normal for a restaurant to go through that many staff, it's not normal for a kitchen that small to have 65 items on the menu, and it's not normal for the level of animosity that you've built inside this restaurant and outside. You have the right to run the business the way you want to run your business. I have the right to do the right thing. And the right thing for me is to get out of here.
On the second season of The Big Bang Theory, Howard went through a state of depression after Penny told him off for hitting on her for the umpteenth time.
Penny:I know you think you’re some sort of smooth-talking ladies’ man, but the truth is, you are just pathetic and creepy.
Howard: Um, so what are you saying?
Penny: I am saying it is not a compliment to call me doable. It’s not sexy to stare at my ass and say, “Ooh, it must be jelly ’cause jam don’t shake like that.” And most important, we are not dancing a tango, we’re not to’ing and fro’ing. Nothing is ever going to happen between us. Ever.
Howard: Wait a minute. This isn’t flirting, you’re serious.
Penny: Flirting? You think I’m flirting with you? I am not flirting with you, no woman is ever gonna flirt with you, you’re just gonna grow old and die alone.
Subverted, in that Penny does follow it up later on with a You Are Better Than You Think You Are speech, and Howard subsequently stops pursuing Penny seriously and begins a steady progression of character growth. While he is still a neurotic mess, Howard has developed and matured as a human being more than the rest of the main cast put together.
Game of Thrones features quite a few of these, some of which are taken from the books, others created exclusively for the TV series:
Lord Renly Baratheon delivers a fantastic one to his brother King Robert in "A Golden Crown."
Robert: Those were the days!
Renly: Which days, exactly? The ones when half of Westeros fought the other half and millions died? Or before that, when the Mad King slaughtered women and babies because the voices in his head told him they deserved it? Or way before that, when dragons burnt whole cities to the ground?
Robert: Easy boy, you might be my brother, but you're speaking to the king.
Renly: I suppose it was all rather heroic, if you were drunk enough and had some poor Riverlands whore to shove your prick inside and "make the eight."
Tyrion delivers one to Cersei when he returns to King's Landing as the acting Hand of the King; here, he gives Cersei an earful for allowing Joffrey to execute Ned Stark and starting a war with the North in the process, and another for letting Arya Stark escape King's Landing, costing them a chance of making peace. For good measure, he snidely returns that it must be odd being a disappointment to the family for a change.
After flinging insults at Theon for the past two episodes, Balon Greyjoy is finally given a taste of his own medicine when his son retaliates; best of all, it's right after Balon's finished delivering his House's Badass Creed.
Balon: We do not sow. We are Ironborn! We are not subjects, we are not slaves; we do not plow the fields, nor toil in the mine. We take what is ours! Your time with the wolves has made you weak.
Theon: You act as if I volunteered to go! You gave me away, if you remember, the day you bent the knee to Robert Baratheon- after he crushed you! Did you "take what was yours" then?
(Balon slaps him across the face and begins marching away)
Theon:You gave me away! Your boy- your last boy- you gave me away like I was a dog you didn't want anymore! And now you curse me, because I've come home!
(Balon hesitates at the door, looking genuinely upset for a moment, then leaves without another word)
The Lannister generals are often subjected to these kind of speeches from Tywin Lannister himself as their incompetence starts becoming evident; arguably the harshest (and probably most-deserved) was given to Amory Lorch, who'd ended up sending a critical message to the enemy. After pointing out that his cup-bearer can read better than Lorch, Tywin not only denigrates him as a brainless thug, but threatens to kill him if he ever gives the enemy an advantage again.
Lancel Lannister is often the recipient of these; after spending the first season being told that he was named by "some halfwit with a stutter," and that his mother was "a dumb whore with a fat arse," he ends up getting one of these from Tyrion when he discovers that Lancel's been having sex with Cersei- accusing him of earning his knighthood in bed with Cersei, impugning his masculinity for claiming innocence, and blackmailing Lancel into becoming his personal spy.
In "The Old Gods And The New," Tyrion delivers a vicious one to Joffrey after he tops off a long reign of strenous dog-kicking by ordering the execution of an entire crowd after one of them threw a handful of cowshit at him- causing a riot in the process.
Tyrion: We've had vicious kings and we've had idiot kings, but I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!
Theon finds himself on the recieving end of one of these speeches once he makes the mistake of accepting the Ironborn lifestyle and betraying the Starks. Here, it's from Theon's sister, Yara; given that Theon's managed to take Winterfell and completely bugger up what good he did in the space of a few days, it's pretty well deserved.
Yara: I saw the bodies above your gate. Which gave you the tougher fight, the cripple or the six year-old?
Theon: I treated the Stark boys with honour, and they repaid me with treachery!
Yara: You treated them with honour... by butchering them?
Theon:Before I had to kill them, I-
Yara: You used their home, as is your right; we're Ironborn, we take what we need. Then you made them prisoners in their home, and they ran away; is that treachery? I'd call it bravery.
Theon: They made me a promise.
Yara: The little boy prisoners made you a promise, and you got mad when they broke it? Are you the dumbest cunt alive?
Theon: Don't call me-
Yara: A cunt. A dumb cunt who killed the only two Starks in Winterfell. You know how valuable those boys were.
Theon: If I hadn't killed them, the Northerners would think me weak.
Yara: You are weak. And you're stupid.
In the Everybody Loves Raymond episode "Someone's Cranky", Robert is staying with his parents while recuperating from being injured by a runaway bull, and is driving everyone crazy with his crabby attitude. When Debra tries to cheer him up, he snaps at her too and earns a severe dressing-down for his trouble:
Debra: You know what I think? I think you love that bull! I think you were so happy he found you, because he's a two-ton excuse for your life! That's right, you were a victim before that bull, you've been a victim your whole life, because there's nothing easier than playing the victim, is there, Robert?
Smallville: The Red Queen, Martha Kent, delivered a scathing one to Tess Mercer towards the end of Season 9. It likely contributed to Tess's Heel-Face Turn in the season finale.
E-2 Lioneldelivers one of these in pieces over every conversation he has with Tess in an attempt to break her and have her submit to doing whatever he wants her to do (namely, betray Clark and the others and deliver Lex's clone Alexander to him). His way of doing this is to methodically hit every single emotional trigger she has, playing on her father issues, her lack of self-worth, and her struggle to do the right thing and ultimately ending by telling her that she's only useful to him because her heart can be used to revive Lex. This one hurts just as bad as- if not worse than -Martha's because if he's being a jackass to her she has to suffer abuse from her own biological father, and in the rare moments that he actually seems impressed by her skills, she has to deal with Your Approval Fills Me with Shame. The woman really can't win.
In Merlin, Queen Annis gives a devastating one to Morgana, all the more so because it's just a simple sentence: "
A particularly satisfying one in One Foot in the Grave. When given the job of a doorman, he is made to tend to a couple of unpleasant snobs. After failing to be tend to their whims quick enough, they insult him and sneer at him to show some tact. Victor complies and, after swiping the husband's toupee and throwing it down the drain, gives them the most scaving "apology" possible before driving off in their taxi, leaving them speechless.
Victor: I am very sorry neither of you can manage to master the mechanics of a door handle, it must be very complicated with your limited brainpower! Oh, and do forgive me for not getting the fur coat out...because if you hadn't chopped it's legs off in the first place it would have climbed out on it's own, but there we are. And do ask me if I want to go on working here where it means sucking up to odious bastards like you two every day, then I think I'd rather remain unemployed, thank you very much!
On ER, Dr. Dave Malucci delivers an epic one of these to Kerry Weaver, after she refuses his please to rehire him, calling her a "sad, cold-hearted bitch", telling her that "nobody here likes you", etc., well-deserved after years of her treating everyone around her like crap.
Once Upon a Time: Belle delivers one to Rumpelstiltskin about his cowardice and inability to just let himself be happy. In "Broken" she also calls him out on his habit of playing with words, and with people.
Regina also gets this twice: once by Emma who tells her that Regina can only blame herself for everyone wanting to leave her, and once by Mary Margaret after Regina frames her for murder, telling her that making other people's lives miserable will only do the same to hers.
JAG: In "People v. Gunny", Admiral Chegwidden tells the Maryland state’s attorney that: But we all know that your only intent is to bolster your own campaign for the state’s attorney. You’re nothing but a hypocrite and an opportunist and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna have a bottom feeder like you further your personal ambition trampling the integrity of this office.
Edmund: Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That is why you are dismissed.
Fairly early on in Weeds, Shane delivers one to the entire town;
As I stand before you today, on the brink of Junior High, here is what i have to say: YOU HAVE FAILED US ALL! Everything is not okay. We have become alienated, desensitized, angry, and frightened. If we picture Agrestic as an airplane, a grand, soaring jet, carrying us through the sky, I think you all need to understand there are motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!
In series 3 of Alias Sydney delivers one to Vaughn after she recovers from her kidnapping/brainwashing, only to discover that Vaughn has married someone else.
Sydney: Don't use rational thought as a defense with me, not after all you and I have seen. Vaughn, you and I live and breathe madness every day on the job. There is no rational thought. I can't pretend to have a conversation about anything else with you. What it comes down to is faith. What I was hoping you'd say was, "I gave up on us, I lost faith." But what you came here for was closure, and there is not a chance you are getting that from me. I'm not gonna say I understand. I'm not gonna sympathize with you, and tell you how hard this must be for you. But you wanna know how I am? I am horrible! Vaughn, I am ripped apart. And not because I lost you, but because if it had been me, I would've waited. I would've found the truth. I wouldn't have given up on you. And now I realize what an absolute waste that would've been.
Frankie to her sister Janet in "The Name", during the fourth season of The Middle.
The Twilight Zone episode "The Brain Center at Whipple's", when Dickerson breaks into the Whipple manufacturing plant and tells Wallace V. Whipple off for replacing him and the rest of the company's employees with machines.
Merlyn: You can't beat me, Oliver. Yes, you're younger, you're faster, but you always seem to come up short against me. Want to know why? Because you don't know, in your heart, what you're fighting for. What you're willing to sacrifice. And I do.
Blackadder: Oh yes, we are proud of our comic serving wench voice, aren't we? Just because we can say 'zer' instead of 'sir' at social gatherings — the tedious little tird who puts on fancy voices. What else have you got in your astoundingly inventive repertoire, I wonder? I brilliant, drunk Glaswegian, no doubt? A hilarious black man — see you Jimmy, where am dat watty mellon? Oh fabulous! I can't wait for your side-splitting puff and that funny little croaky one who isn't anyone in particular, but is such a scream. And most of all, I like the one you do all the time — the fart in the German chamber pot standing in front of me.
Jon Stewart often delivers these on The Daily Show to people and places that do outrageous things. One of the most scathing was in December 2010 to the Republican Party for constantly co-opting 9/11 imagery to serve their political agenda:
Stewart: Guess what, Republicans? Here's the deal—your "We're-the-only-party-that-understands-9/11-and-its-repercussions" monopoly ends. Now. So...no more co-opting 9/11 imagery to get yourselves elected.note A political ad for George W. Bush is shown, with plenty of 9/11 imagery No more using 9/11 as the date when magically all your policies became "right."note Senator Kit Bond (R-MO) suggesting anything going back to "a pre-9/11 mentality" can and will fail No more using 9/11 to micromanage Manhattan's zoning decisions.note Newt Gingrich vocally objecting to the proposed mosque several blocks away from the WTC memorial/plaza No using 9/11 as an excuse for why your Bush tax cuts never stimulated the economy in the first place...note "I wish we had a smaller debt—I wish we hadn't been attacked on 9/11or 9/11 as an excuse to do what you were going to be doing anyway.note George W. Bush discussing invading Iraq No more using 9/11 as a price point.note Rudy Giuliani tried to solicit donations of $9.11 from potential fundraisers You know what, Republicans, you use it so much, if you don't owe the 9/11 responders healthcare...at least you owe them royalties!
It's well worth seeing Nancy Grace or Bill O'Reilly get smacked with one of these. Best example being Elizabeth Smart who was trying to get a Bill passed for support of Rape Victims and was interviewed by Grace who kept on pestering her wanting details about what she had experienced with Elizabeth getting more agitated as she won't drop the subject. Finally she has enough and tells her that she's not here to give her details about what she went through and the purpose of her interview is to let people know about The Bill and she's not here to be a ratings ploy for Grace's show.
The program Made In Canada ends with a good one. That's because long-time Yes-Man Victor finally tells idiot CEO Alan Roy what he really thinks about having to slave away saving an oblivious idiot from himself.
A few in Friends , but the best one was Hugh Laurie's one to Rachel in 'The One With Ross' Wedding'.
Throughout The Nanny, C.C.Babcock is unable to get that Maxwell Sheffield, her business partner, isn't romantically interested in her. Even in the last season, as Maxwell is married to Fran Fine and Fran is pregnant, she still tries to get him. Niles get so annoyed with her stubbornness that he threatens to quit, but before that, he delivers a devastating speech to C.C. that holds back nothing.
C.C.: You are a pathetic excuse for a man.
Niles:DITTO! But at least I know when to move on. You are going to spend the rest of your life pining for a man who doesn't love you, and has married a woman half your age.
Fran: Oh, Niles, please don't go!
Niles: Look around you. They're married. They're starting a family. Where are you going to be ten, twenty years from now? You're going to be saying 'Merry Christmas!' to your friends in rehab and wondering what might have been! (to Maxwell) I'll be leaving first thing in the morning, sir.
C.C.: My god, he's right... The best years of my life are gone... and they sucked.