Synopsis / Sonic for Hire
Be warned as this section contains unmarked spoilers (Unless if they're of the Squick
- Sonic for Hire starts off with Sonic and Tails at their apartment. Tails tells Sonic that his rent is due and Sonic says that he's late as usual and that he'd give Tails another month, but Tails says that enough is enough and that Sonic needs a job to get back on his feet. Sonic says he would do anything to get some money, and Tails gives Sonic jobs. The first job Sonic gets is working as a paperboy, but Sonic hates it and decides to steal a TV, which fails. Later, Sonic fights Mike Tyson, but once Sonic finds out that Tails betted against Sonic and Sonic loses. Sonic buys a frame for his poster with the money. Sonic then gets high and thinks he's working a successful job with Toejam and Earl, but Tails tells him it's just a hallucination. After helping Q-Bert out a bit, Sonic gets to meet his former arch-nemesis, Dr. Eggman, who tries to mess with Sonic by tricking him in cleaning his plumbing system without paying and later on messing with him at a Street Fighter match. Sonic then gets called to help Earthworm Jim out, but Sonic gets bored and steals Earthworm Jim's suit. Sonic then works at BurgerTime, which is owned by Knuckles the Echidna. Unfortunately, Eggman comes in and mocks Sonic, but Sonic gets his revenge by jizzing in his burgers. Sonic quits and he and Tails laugh at the video. After failing another job at The Oregon Trail, Tails sets up Sonic as an escort for Mother Brain, who Sonic has to go on a date with. Sonic gets drunk and has sex with her, which results in Soniqua getting born, much to Sonic's dismay. Sonic meets Kirby, who turns out to be a psychopath and forces him to kill innocent creatures in Dreamland, much to Sonic's disgust. Sonic then gets a job helping out with Tetris, but something happens that he doesn't expect. Eggman comes back and he wants revenge for the incident at Burger Time, but Robotnik thinks that it was actually a scheme to raise his blood pressure, which grosses out Sonic. Eggman then reveals that Earthworm Jim in a mechanized armor is with him and he wants revenge as well. Sonic then shows the two where Earthworm Jim's suit is, which is a diaper for Soniqua. Earthworm Jim gets pissed and tries to take off the suit from Soniqua, but Soniqua attacks him. Sonic says that "if they miss with him they'll miss with his family", but as soon as Mother Brain tells Sonic that he's late for child support, Sonic quickly joins up with the two now-Butt-Monkey characters. Sonic meets with Gilius Thunderhead, who wants Sonic to bang someone, which Sonic is more than grossed out with. Sonic then agrees, but gets burned by a dragon. Sonic then meets with Kid Icarus, who is asked to bring him back to a nurse, but Sonic throws him off a cliff. Eggman Wizard double-crosses him and turns him into an eggplant, which ends Season 1. Meanwhile, Tails fell into a coma after an accident with the Tornado.
- Season 2 starts with Sonic back in his apartment as an eggplant. Tails then comes back in a wheelchair and tells Sonic that he was in a coma. Sonic cares more about the fact he's an eggplant than the fact Tails was in a coma. Sonic turns back his normal self and asks Tails if he has any new jobs, which pisses Tails off. Fortunately, somebody from Excite Bike comes and tells Sonic that he needs a replacement, which Sonic willingly does. Sonic fails after crashing into Tails. Sonic then works for Taizo and thinking that he is going to murder innocent creatures, attacks Taizo and ends up pumping him. Sonic even gets to steal his wallet. Sonic then works for Pac-Man, but he doesn't want anyone on his turf, which provokes Sonic into teaming up with the Ghosts to kill Pacman (With him as a ghost). After Pacman is down, the Ghosts say that Sonic can't turn back to his normal self, which is revealed that Sonic already died). Sonic goes back to the hospital to go back to normal, and Soniqua follows him around. Sonic wants to kill her at first, so he forces her to eat a bunch of bombs to help with Bomberman, but it backfires as Soniqua spits the bombs out at Bomberman. Later, Sonic is brutally beaten by Goroh, but Soniqua saves his life, which makes Sonic realize that Soniqua is actually a valuable member of the team, and is nice to her for now on. Sonic then works for an Ice Hockey rink, but runs over a bunch of hockey players with a zamboni machine, which sends Sonic to jail. Tails bails him out, but Tails has bad news ... Tails had to borrow money from Mario. Sonic has to work for Mario now, who runs a mafia-style company. Mario orders Sonic to kill Toad (Who wasn't watching the princess and was getting oral sex from a Birdo) and the Angry Birds (Mario said they were getting too popular), which turns out to be successful. Then when Mario orders Sonic to kill the two Double Dragon brothers, Sonic fails because he sends Eggman and Earthworm Jim (Who got his suit back) on them, who proved to be inept to the two. Mario is upset at Sonic, but gives him one more chance. Sonic is then instructed to kill Frogger, but sends Luigi to make sure he does he job. Luigi turns out to be a problem as he licks Frogger and becomes high. Luigi is crushed by a vehicle and Frogger tells him that "he's fucked". Sonic and Tails try to cover up Luigi's death, which works for Mario for a while. Mario sends Sonic, Tails, and "Luigi" to gather TNT barrels from Donkey Kong Country, where they encounter Candy Kong, who wants to have sex with Sonic, for "no boom boom ... no "boom boom"". Sonic is then cut off as Mario appears, who threatens to kill Sonic. Candy Kong knocks Mario down a cliff. Candy Kong is then thrown down the cliff. Mario survives the fall, who hitchhikes his way out of the area. Mario then calls his goon friends along with a lot of Sonic's enemies. Meanwhile, at Sonic's apartment, Sonic and Tails relax (Tails thinks Sonic should hide though) and after talking about baby spinach, Mario and his gang come to kill Sonic. Sonic gets provoked after Mario crashes through his poster, which pisses Tails off as Sonic didn't care about Tails when Mario's guards held him gunpoint. As Mario and his gang are about to murder Sonic, another crash happens. Eggman, Earthworm Jim, Kirby, and Gilius Thunderhead come in and Eggman tells Sonic that "without him, his life is meaningless". The battle shortly starts, with most of Mario's gang ending up seriously injured or dead. Sonic and Mario then battle outside at Green Hill Zone, where Mario gets impaled by spikes. Mario dies and Sonic takes his place as the new mafia leader, who orders to freeze Dominique Wilkins in carbonite.
- Sonic owns Mario's mafia now, but he or his gang have no idea how to run it. They try to raid a bar at Tapper's, but Kirby burns it down. Sonic and his gang then try to find Princess Peach so they can get some advice, but they get sidetracked by Link who takes them out for margaritas. Sonic and Tails then find Peach, but she has Stockholm Syndrome and has BDSM. Sonic is a bit disturbed by it, but then Eggman and Earthworm Jim appear with Princess Potato, who was also associated with Mario. She then talks about how Mario was planning on raiding Casino Zone, so Sonic and his gang try to assemble to rob it. The gang fail miserably and Sonic gets kidnapped by the Shredder, who wants to put him in an iceskating show, "Sonic on Ice", which Sonic thinks is an awesome idea. Tails then encounters Sonic and tells him about the mission. They go back and talk about it, but Tails bribes one of the guards and the Shredder never locks his safe, so Sonic and gang raid the safe. The Shredder appears, but he is disappointed in Sonic and commits Sepukku. Everyone gets disappointed when they find out the "coins" were actually rings, which pissed Earthworm Jim and Kirby off. Sonic decides to make it up for them by taking them to a buffet and "Sonic on Ice", but Earthworm Jim finds out "Sonic on Ice" is cancelled. Sonic decides to make up for the incident by taking the gang out for a football game ... a game that they're in! Not only that, but Sonic betted for them to lose. Unfortunately, Sonic doesn't care and tries to score as many touchdowns as possible. Tails plans to ultimately lose, but once they find out they only have 2 seconds left, they get Gilius Thunderhead to crush Sonic with a tank, letting them ultimately win the bet. Later, Darth Vader raids Sonic's office and demands to take his mafia family out ... in a game of Family Feud. Vader unfreezes Dominique Wilkins as well, provoking Sonic. Sonic ultimately wins "Family Feud", angering Vader and forcing him to force-choke Sonic. Dominique Wilkins saves Sonic by bumping in to Vader and forcing him to eject into space. This marks as a major victory for Sonic and his gang, and they throw a huge party. Amy Rose sleeps with Sonic and Mother Brain appears to pick up Soniqua. Mother Brain is upset that Soniqua is drinking, but Sonic tells her that she's not actually drunk. A chick that Sonic banged before and Peach appear, and a huge argument starts. Sonic decides to pit them against each other in a wrestling match, which Amy Rose ultimately wins. Sonic rejects her and Soniqua hits her with a chair. The stress of running a mafia has been getting to Sonic though, and he and Tails try to take a break to shoot some ducks. Sonic however thinks that the Duck Hunt Dog is a moose and tries to attack him for taunting him, but the dog maims Sonic. Sonic gets sent to the hospital while Tails takes over the mafia, but not before dressing up the dog as a doll for Soniqua. Tails orders Eggman and Earthworm Jim to go to Columbia and get a bunch of cocaine, but the two end up getting stuck there as servants for El Padrino and the two decide that they're never coming back. The disappearance of Eggman and Earthworm Jim triggers Kirby to become a movie star, Soniqua to become a Pokemon Trainer, Thunderhead to start a bar (and get in jail for), and for Dominique Wilkins to wander off. Sonic gets upset at Tails that he's taken over his mafia, and they get into a fight which spans into many of the episodes they've been in so far. Ultimately, Tails grabs a TNT Barrel and bombs Sonic's mafia office, thus ending the mafia. Sonic is back in his run-down apartment again and says that "things are back in the shitter again".
Sonic is broke again but he searches to find jobs again. He tries to talk with Knuckles, but he's still pissed about the semen incident
, but gives Sonic another chance as he actually seems sincere about getting a job. Knuckles assigns him to the drive-thru, and from there, things seem okay. Unfortunately, Tails drives up in a convertible. The explosion of the mafia office made Tails rich with his new app, Cash Explosion. Tails orders two burgers and as shake and throws the shake at Sonic, triggering him to burn down Knuckles's burger restaurant with a crack pipe. Sonic then steals Knuckles's moped (While on crack). Sonic searches for another job at Space Invaders, but Sonic finds it too boring. Then Sonic ends up in E.T.'s world and tries to steal Elliot's mom's wallet. However, that fails because Tails drives back again, running over Elliot. Tails offers Sonic a ride to Elliot's mom's house, but Tails, being a dick, drives off. Sonic finds E.T. and they both get high. Parodying the famous scene from E.T., they ride up a bike until they both fall down, killing E.T. and sending Sonic to jail. Thunderhead is seen in jail, and he is very excited to see Sonic, despite the fact Sonic is grossed out about his "ass wine". They escape from jail and end up in the Final Fantasy
world, where Thunderhead kills a monster. The two are invited to live with the Final Fantasy characters, but Thunderhead kills them too, saying "there wasn't going to be enough ass wine for everyone", pissing Sonic off even more and forcing Thunderhead to live with the hedgehog. While thinking of a way to make money (and fast), Thunderhead tells him that while he was in prison, there was an underground fighting ring. This ends up to be a Pokémon
area, and Sonic bets that Thunderhead would win. Unfortunately, the person Thunderhead is against is none other than Soniqua and the Dog. Sonic orders Thunderhead to use his Dragon attack, but it does nothing to the dog. The dog mauls Thunderhead and the Pokemon Trainer orders Soniqua to kill Sonic. Fortunately, Soniqua is still loyal to Sonic and kills the Pokemon Trainer instead. The dog stays with Thunderhead and Sonic tries to find a way to deal with more jobs. Meanwhile, Tails is living the good life and is not only a jerk to Sonic, but to everyone else. Tails sends a bomb to Sonic and that makes Sonic pissed. Sonic goes to Scribblenauts and after some back and forth trolling, Sonic decides to just get a gun to rob a gas station. At the gas station, which is owned by a Koopa Troopa who is thankful for Sonic killing Mario, Sonic decides to rob the gas station. However, Dr. Wily's saucer crushes the Koopa Troopa
. Wily and Guts Man go to the gas station, but Guts Man causes the gas station to explode, making Sonic's plan backfire. Sonic tries to help Popeye, but he couldn't help and decides to burn down his ship instead. A limo picks Sonic up and brings him to Kirby's mansion. Kirby has become a movie director and is shaped like a penis. Kirby asks if Sonic wants to start his movie career, but says that he has to work with Tails for his upcoming movie, pissing Sonic off. Sonic does get a good start in a Mass Effect
movie though, but pummels an interviewer when he talks about working with Tails. Sonic, Tails, and Kirby meet up at a restaurant, but Knuckles (Who is still pissed that Sonic burned his BurgerTime
place down) is the waiter and is miserable. Sonic agrees to work with Tails with the movie, and even makes him a "lead role", but Kirby tells Sonic to rescue Eggman and Earthworm Jim. Sonic fights El Padrino's coke whores with success and frees the two idiots. At the movie filming, Tails (Who is the "lead role" and is the "Sonic" here) humiliates Sonic and says he's doing it to "spice up Sonic's boring life". At the movie screening, everyone seems to be at the movie. During the movie, the audience laughs at the expense of Sonic, but Sonic has other plans. Sonic goes to the boiler room, where Tails follows him. Tails tells Sonic that he better not be up to anything. Back at the movie, Sonic's face shows up and tells the audience that "Tails will die" and "he has a couple of things he wants to get off his back", causing the audience to panic. Back in the boiler room, Sonic tells Tails that "he wanted Tails to be in top billing because he can die", referencing Gameplay Ally Immortality
. Tails gets pissed, but gets cut short as the massive explosion happens. Sonic and Tails get blown into space and get abducted.
Nobody died at the explosion
Sonic and Tails end up inside a large ship, and they end up meeting with the Starfox Crew ... well, minus Fox and Falco. Peppy and Falco need some help defeating Andross, and they nominate Sonic to become their leader. Sonic easily kills Andross while Tails slowly gets what he deserves for being an asshole to Sonic in Season 4
. While the two are looking for food, General Pepper then asks Sonic and Tails to destroy some Alien eggs (Tails gets attacked by a bunch of Facehuggers), and end up meeting Alf, who poops out the eggs
. Sonic quickly kills Alf and a Chestburster pops out of Tails, which Sonic shoots. Sonic and Tails then end up in Joust, where they meet Eggman and Earthworm Jim. Eggman says that everyone "got the hell out of there" when they saw Sonic's face at the theater. The crew minus Eggman then go out to get some food, while Eggman's clothes get melted in lava. Later, Jason from Blaster Master
comes to request for Eggman to upgrade Sophia III, but it turns horribly as they give the tank a bunch of unnecessary upgrades, which they remove the weapons to make room for. General Pepper orders Sonic to take out Mother Brain
, much to Sonic's dismay. At Mother Brain's lair, Sonic and Tails forget to bring weapons and Sonic improvises by throwing Tails at Mother Brain, which fails. Mother Brain gets mad and orders her Metroids to kill Sonic. Soniqua comes in and explains that Sonic was ranting at the movie screen for 45 minutes, explaining why nobody died. Sonic asks Soniqua to save him, and she destroys all the Metroids and destroys Mother Brain's lair. To make it up to Mother Brain, Sonic lets Mother Brain join the Great Fox (Soniqua follows). Later, General Pepper orders the crew to destroy some asteroids, and Eggman and Earthworm Jim do it, as there's a Buffalo Wild Wings nearby. As they do their mission, Eggman and Jim accidentally encounter a giant space worm named Frank. Frank only wanted to get some wings with them, so Eggman lets Frank join, much to General Pepper's dismay. General Pepper orders the entire Starfox crew on a mission to head to Venom, destroy the fighter pilots, and to sign a treaty. After screwing around from the crew, it is shown that Frank suffocated in his Arwing as it was too small for him. Sonic decides to just get some tacos, which everyone agrees with. Sonic, Tails, Eggman, and Earthworm Jim go to Tatooine
, but the desert environment dries Jim up. Luke Skywalker wants to have some fun, but the whole gang finds it boring. They encounter Sarlacc, who is also bored of the planet. The two want to die, and while the gang is deciding on what to do, Earthworm Jim can't take it anymore and just kills the two angrily asking for water. The gang go back to the Great Fox and get a hot tub. The crew have forgotten about Earthworm Jim and when Eggman gets a boner, they realize that Earthworm Jim wanted it, but Earthworm Jim would rather not be in the boner water (He gets in anyway). Sparkster
comes in and asks Sonic to assist him, but his world is so inconsistent because there were too many sequels. When Sonic finds out he isn't getting paid, he kills Sparkster. (Under Construction)