Synopsis: Sonic For Hire
Be warned as this section contains unmarked spoilers (Unless if they're of the Squick category).
- Sonic for Hire starts off with Sonic and Tails at their apartment. Tails tells Sonic that his rent is due and Sonic says that he's late as usual and that he'd give Tails another month, but Tails says that enough is enough and that Sonic needs a job to get back on his feet. Sonic says he would do anything to get some money, and Tails gives Sonic jobs. The first job Sonic gets is working as a Paperboy, but Sonic hates it and decides to steal a TV, which fails. Later, Sonic fights Mike Tyson, but once Sonic finds out that Tails betted against Sonic and Sonic loses. Sonic buys a frame for his poster with the money. Sonic then gets high and thinks he's working a successful job with Toejam and Earl, but Tails tells him it's just a hallucination. After helping Q-Bert out a bit, Sonic gets to meet his former arch-nemesis, Dr. Eggman, who tries to mess with Sonic by tricking him in cleaning his plumbing system without paying and later on messing with him at a Street Fighter match. Sonic then gets called to help Earthworm Jim out, but Sonic gets bored and steals Earthworm Jim's suit. Sonic then works at BurgerTime, which is owned by Knuckles the Echidna. Unfortunately, Eggman comes in and mocks Sonic, but Sonic gets his revenge by jizzing in his burgers. Sonic quits and he and Tails laugh at the video. After failing another job at The Oregon Trail, Tails sets up Sonic as an escort for Mother Brain, who Sonic has to go on a date with. Sonic gets drunk and has sex with her, which results in Soniqua getting born, much to Sonic's dismay. Sonic meets Kirby, who turns out to be a psychopath and forces him to kill innocent creatures in Dreamland, much to Sonic's disgust. Sonic then gets a job helping out with Tetris, but something happens that he doesn't expect. Eggman comes back and he wants revenge for the incident at Burger Time, but Robotnik thinks that it was actually a scheme to raise his blood pressure, which grosses out Sonic. Eggman then reveals that Earthworm Jim in a mechanized armor is with him and he wants revenge as well. Sonic then shows the two where Earthworm Jim's suit is, which is a diaper for Soniqua. Earthworm Jim gets pissed and tries to take off the suit from Soniqua, but Soniqua attacks him. Sonic says that "if they miss with him they'll miss with his family", but as soon as Mother Brain tells Sonic that he's late for child support, Sonic quickly joins up with the two now-Butt Monkey characters. Sonic meets with Gilius Thunderhead, who wants Sonic to bang someone, which Sonic is more than grossed out with. Sonic then agrees, but gets burned by a dragon. Sonic then meets with Kid Icarus, who is asked to bring him back to a nurse, but Sonic throws him off a cliff. Eggman Wizard double-crosses him and turns him into an eggplant, which ends Season 1. Meanwhile, Tails fell into a coma after an accident with the Tornado.
- Season 2 starts with Sonic back in his apartment as an eggplant. Tails then comes back in a wheelchair and tells Sonic that he was in a coma. Sonic cares more about the fact he's an eggplant than the fact Tails was in a coma. Sonic turns back his normal self and asks Tails if he has any new jobs, which pisses Tails off. Fortunately, somebody from Excite Bike comes and tells Sonic that he needs a replacement, which Sonic willingly does. Sonic fails after crashing into Tails. Sonic then works for Taizo and thinking that he is going to murder innocent creatures, attacks Taizo and ends up pumping him. Sonic even gets to steal his wallet. Sonic then works for Pac-Man, but he doesn't want anyone on his turf, which provokes Sonic into teaming up with the Ghosts to kill Pacman (With him as a ghost). After Pacman is down, the Ghosts say that Sonic can't turn back to his normal self, which is revealed that Sonic already died). Sonic goes back to the hospital to go back to normal, and Soniqua follows him around. Sonic wants to kill her at first, so he forces her to eat a bunch of bombs to help with Bomberman, but it backfires as Soniqua spits the bombs out at Bomberman. Later, Sonic is brutally beaten by Goroh, but Soniqua saves his life, which makes Sonic realize that Soniqua is actually a valuable member of the team, and is nice to her for now on. Sonic then works for an Ice Hockey rink, but runs over a bunch of hockey players with a zamboni machine, which sends Sonic to jail. Tails bails him out, but Tails has bad news ... Tails had to borrow money from Mario. Sonic has to work for Mario now, who runs a mafia-style company. Mario orders Sonic to kill Toad (Who wasn't watching the princess and was having sex with a Birdo) and the Angry Birds (Mario said they were getting too popular), which turns out to be successful. Then when Mario orders Sonic to kill the two Double Dragon brothers, Sonic fails because he sends Eggman and Earthworm Jim (Who got his suit back) on them, who proved to be inept to the two. Mario is upset at Sonic, but gives him one more chance. Sonic is then instructed to kill Frogger, but sends Luigi to make sure he does he job. Luigi turns out to be a problem as he licks Frogger and becomes high. Luigi is crushed by a vehicle and Frogger tells him that "he's fucked". Sonic and Tails try to cover up Luigi's death, which works for Mario for a while. Mario sends Sonic, Tails, and "Luigi" to gather TNT barrels from Donkey Kong Country, where they encounter Candy Kong, who wants to have sex with Sonic, for "no boom boom ... no "boom boom"". Sonic is then cut off as Mario appears, who threatens to kill Sonic. Candy Kong knocks Mario down a cliff. Candy Kong is then thrown down the cliff. Mario survives the fall, who hitchhikes his way out of the area. Mario then calls his goon friends along with a lot of Sonic's enemies. Meanwhile, at Sonic's apartment, Sonic and Tails relax (Tails thinks Sonic should hide though) and after talking about baby spinach, Mario and his gang come to kill Sonic. Sonic gets provoked after Mario crashes through his poster, which pisses Tails off as Sonic didn't care about Tails when Mario's guards held him gunpoint. As Mario and his gang are about to murder Sonic, another crash happens. Eggman, Earthworm Jim, Kirby, and Gilius Thunderhead come in and Eggman tells Sonic that "without him, his life is meaningless". The battle shortly starts, with most of Mario's gang ending up seriously injured or dead. Sonic and Mario then battle outside at Green Hill Zone, where Mario gets impaled by spikes. Mario dies and Sonic takes his place as the new mafia leader, who orders to freeze Dominique Wilkins in carbonite.
- Sonic owns Mario's mafia now, but he or his gang have no idea how to run it. They try to raid a bar at Tapper's, but Kirby burns it down. Sonic and his gang then try to find Princess Peach so they can get some advice, but they get sidetracked by Link who takes them out for margaritas. Sonic and Tails then find Peach, but she has Stockholm Syndrome and has BDSM. Sonic is a bit disturbed by it, but then Eggman and Earthworm Jim appear with Princess Potato, who was also associated with Mario. She then talks about how Mario was planning on raiding Casino Zone, so Sonic and his gang try to assemble to rob it. The gang fail miserably and Sonic gets kidnapped by the Shredder, who wants to put him in an iceskating show, "Sonic on Ice", which Sonic thinks is an awesome idea. Tails then encounters Sonic and tells him about the mission. They go back and talk about it, but Tails bribes one of the guards and the Shredder never locks his safe, so Sonic and gang raid the safe. The Shredder appears, but he is disappointed in Sonic and commits Sepukku. Everyone gets disappointed when they find out the "coins" were actually rings, which pissed Earthworm Jim and Kirby off. Sonic decides to make it up for them by taking them to a buffet and "Sonic on Ice", but Earthworm Jim finds out "Sonic on Ice" is cancelled. Sonic decides to make up for the incident by taking the gang out for a football game ... a game that they're in! Not only that, but Sonic betted for them to lose. Unfortunately, Sonic doesn't care and tries to score as many touchdowns as possible. Tails plans to ultimately lose, but once they find out they only have 2 seconds left, they get Gilius Thunderhead to crush Sonic with a tank, letting them ultimately win the bet. Later, Darth Vader raids Sonic's office and demands to take his mafia family out ... in a game of Family Feud. Vader unfreezes Dominique Wilkins as well, provoking Sonic. Sonic ultimately wins "Family Feud", angering Vader and forcing him to force-choke Sonic. Dominique Wilkins saves Sonic by bumping in to Vader and forcing him to eject into space. This marks as a major victory for Sonic and his gang, and they throw a huge party. Amy Rose sleeps with Sonic and Mother Brain appears to pick up Soniqua. Mother Brain is upset that Soniqua is drinking, but Sonic tells her that she's not actually drunk. A chick that Sonic banged before and Peach appear, and a huge argument starts. Sonic decides to pit them against each other in a wrestling match, which Amy Rose ultimately wins. Sonic rejects her and Soniqua hits her with a chair. The stress of running a mafia has been getting to Sonic though, and he and Tails try to take a break to shoot some ducks. Sonic however thinks that the Duck Hunt Dog is a moose and tries to attack him for taunting him, but the dog maims Sonic. Sonic gets sent to the hospital while Tails takes over the mafia, but not before dressing up the dog as a doll for Soniqua. Tails orders Eggman and Earthworm Jim to go to Columbia and get a bunch of cocaine, but the two end up getting stuck there as servants for El Padrino and the two decide that they're never coming back. The disappearance of Eggman and Earthworm Jim triggers Kirby to become a movie star, Soniqua to become a Pokemon Trainer, Thunderhead to start a bar (and get in jail for), and for Dominique Wilkins to wander off. Sonic gets upset at Tails that he's taken over his mafia, and they get into a fight which spans into many of the episodes they've been in so far. Ultimately, Tails grabs a TNT Barrel and bombs Sonic's mafia office, thus ending the mafia. Sonic is back in his run-down apartment again and says that "things are back in the shitter again".