Matt: Heh, it would be pretty funny, though. Like, where would they go to the bathroom? Paul: Oh... uh... ooh... I have to go now... because... I have a fire... stuck... in my pants... (Paul turns and flees from the room)
Arturo: Where do you think you're going with that turkey baster? Michael: Out of my way. Arturo: But that doesn't belong to you. Michael: Look, Arturo, it's not like I'm going to jack off into this thing and fill it full of semen so I can impregnate one of your female guests. Arturo: I think that's exactly what you are going to do.
According to the great and trustworthy Chinese government, the eternal silencing of demonstrators was in no way carried out at 6:15 p.m., shortly after dusk, by officers of the People's Armed Police. Moreover, at this time, noxious gases were not at all fired into the teeming crowd, especially not at the children, who failed to fall like sacks of flour onto the pavement below. "Stop, you can't do this," a Tibetan woman reportedly cried as though she were being violently detained, which, as noted, was impossible. "Where are you taking me? Get your hands off me!"
Zero Punctuation's review of Guitar Hero III includes the line: "It all started when some colleagues and I were at a friend's house for completely heterosexual reasons and decided to break out Guitar Hero on easy mode in celebration of our manliness and complete lack of desire to fondle scrotums."
And yes, my voice sounded different in ZP because I had a sore throat. There continues to not be a body-snatching conspiracy going on.
On Yahtzee's youtube channel, meanwhile, his video titled, "Let's Drown Out... Thief 2", he and Gabe totally aren't spending the video talking about the scandal surrounding the creator of a certain game...even when Yahtzee nearly says said creator's full name.
Q: Do ninjas ever get lonely? A: You mean are there nights when I sit alone in a cave, eating Cheez-Whiz out of a can, naming my weapons and making little costumes for them, so we can put on elaborate theatric productions. (beat) No, I don't know what you're talking about. I've got friends.
During a That Guy with the Glasses charity drive, one of the viewers asked about the possibility of another Spooning With Spoony video. Spoony immediately flew into a rage about how it was never, ever happening. He had actually filmed said episode just hours earlier, and it was released the next week.
Associate TGWTG producer Cinema Snob wants us to know that under no circumstances should anyone think that he owns a copy of Weekend at Bernie's. He's too classy for that.
Also, the Christmas horror movie Elves:
Movie Protagonist: [To her cat] You're the only friend I have left!
Snob: [glances at Lloyd, his Siamese] Psh, whatever... I have friends! This movie isn't speaking to me in a weird way.
Cerberus Daily News is supposedly the comments section of an online newspaper in the Mass Effect universe. Two hundred years previously, that universe suffered a Robot Rebellion. The robots are still out there, and may or may not be spying on the rest of the galaxy. One of the posters in the comments goes by the screen name "Inconspicuous_Organic," and constantly says that he's a "robust human specimen." (He's fooling nobody, but he's not harmful enough to justify booting.)
ALT1977 would like you to know that their company definitely wasn't founded by rogue time travelers from 33 years in the future. Also, time travel is impossible, and will never happen. Especially not 33 years from now.
Lester: Home so soon? Alex: I didn't come from anywhere suspicious.
ThisCracked article, in which the editor routinely interrupts the testimony of the other writers to strenuously and insistently deny that he had any reason to murder nor any ability or plans to murder the deceased columnist in question, who he probably didn't even see that night and even if he did he certainly didn't intend to murder him. He gets so caught up in it that he doesn't even notice when the actual killer nonchalantly confesses to committing the deed.
A Running Gag in The Nostalgia Chick's "Top 11 Villainesses" countdown. She'll lie very badly that "It's not like there's pictures of me dressed up as [this character] for Halloween"; cut to a picture of her cosplaying, soundtracked with a scream.
Subverted at one point when Dr Tease says that the reason Dr Block isn't around when evil Nella (who also plays Dr Block) is "Not because she and Nella are actually the same person." Dr Block promptly walks in when Nella is still there, causing everyone to look at her in confusion, where as Dr Tease says "What? I said Not?"
That's the most important thing to keep in mind when discussing the evil Atheist conspiracy (or eAc as its members call it, that is, if it had any members, which it doesn't, since it doesn't really exist). In fact, you can probably just disregard that first paragraph altogether.
"I do not have OCD. I've checked. Three or four hundred times. And I definitely don't. I stop myself catching it by washing my hands an even number of times. But I'm aware I'm at an at-risk group... I don't care about the odd pound, either, but I want the books balanced, only for the same reasons that if I saw two piles of actual books, I would want them literally balanced. It's neater that way. It's better. How can they not see that?"
Kaiba: I don't know, I just wanted to make sure you knew I wouldn't be.
Yami: But I never thought-
Kaiba: Good because I won't!
Yami: Why would I think that you were watching m-
Kaiba: I dunno.
SCP Foundation: That time somebody pushed Dr. Clef into SCP-682's enclosure was a freak accident and in no way an attempt to kill him. Additionally, the high-speed introduction of the guilty party's face to a table shortly afterward, resulting in a snapped neck, was the result of 682 somehow breaching containment, then promptly returning to its cell. Without disappearing from the camera feed at any point. It was definitely not Dr. Clef.
Similarly, when Doctor Kondraki was interviewing Doctor Clef following a very serious containment breach, "Dr. Clef accidentally fell out of his chair and struck his head nine times against the corner of the desk, fracturing his skull and snapping his neck between the second and third vertebrae."
A staple gag on Rifftrax. In the short Three Magic Words, Bill does a particularly epic version in song:
Bill: "We're not going to strangle you and say a prayer to Lucifer and sacrifice you on the kitchen floor! On the floor! By the Door! We won't dis-em-bowel you on the kitchen floor!"
As the writers of Snopes will tell you, this trope is a good rule of thumb for determining if a rumor spawned in a chain email is actually true. If the writer of said email feels the need to preface it with "This is not a hoax!", it probably is.
Parodied in a real-life scene in Noob. Kevin (Sparadrap) tries to "kidnap" Stanislas (Arthéon) while wearing a Paper-Thin Disguise. Stanislas recognizes Kevin immediately, calling him "Sparadrap". The answer he gets : "No sir, I'm not Sparadrap. You must be confusing me with another priest on another MMORPG".
In episode 29 of Welcome to Night Vale, there is a disturbingly specific denial of rampant cannibalism. Neither the first nor the last instance of this trope in, by far.
Most of the time, these denials come on the behalf of the Mayor, the Council, or the Sheriff's Secret Police. Cecil, for his part, usually tries to be as honest as he's allowed. That said, in the episode 'Cookies', he gives perhaps the most obvious instance of this trope in the entire show, when he tries to reassure everyone that his comments about Girl Scouts needing to hide in the desert was just for hide-and-go-seek, and not about them having to survive an attack from the evil Strexcorp.
You would never need to hide for those reasons. Why would I even say that? Why would I say anything? Words? No! These are just strange noises I'm making with my face. Strange noises!
Before one episode, Night Vale producer Joseph Fink invited fans to a party to celebrate a year of broadcasting the show, where they would certainly not be replaced by "exact duplicates created to do our bidding."
The Neopets Staff would like to remind you that there is no such place as Jelly World, and the very idea of it is silly.
From the Cracked video, "Sex Offender Shuffle," Arthur Chase's rap features the lines, "I'm not the necrophiliac Arthur Chase / That's a different Arthur Chase."
In episode 9 of The Music Video Show. ""You don't see me taking a bunch of Creed albums, putting them in a garbage truck and setting the truck on fire." To be fair, the battery for the camera died before he could do it.
"My father died, too, and I totally have an alibi and everything."
Ray in the very first episode of Achievement Hunter Minecraft Series does this when he discovers the house they buy was now covered in lava. Gavin, the one who did it, pulls this as well, claiming he was nowhere near it... until a Creeper attacked.
"We've been friends for soooooooo long! What are the odds we'd still be together? Well, not "together-together"... Not that I'm not saying that you're not handsome; you are handsome, but that'd just be weird, right?"