Self Demonstrating: R. Lee Ermey
That's Gunnery Sergeant R. Lee Ermey to you, maggot!
What are you looking at, numbnuts? Yeah, I'm talking to you! You wanna know all about me? Well, let me tell you something, maggot: I'm only going to tell you what's within your pay grade!
I was born in the year 1944, towards the end of World War II–and for those of you who thought it was easy to save the world back in 1918, World War I was just practice!–and served in the United States Marine Corps as a drill instructor in Nam, which was just practice for yelling at you for being the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the Goddamned common courtesy to give him a reach-around! As an actor, I got my big break playing the type of character I was famous for being in real life, when you were just a glimmer in your mother's eye, in Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket
. Compared to me, my character was a sadistic and foul-mouthed son-of-a-bitch whose training methods ended with one maggot driven insane and the son-of-a-bitch dead at the hands of the same fucking maggot! And in case you were wondering, many of my lines were unscripted, and you have Kubrick himself to thank for it–especially
since he doesn't normally allow his talent to improvise as though they were on the Reduced Shakespeare
And thanks to my performance, I am now the poster child for Drill Sergeant Nasty
–and don't you fucking forget it, numbnuts!–and landed myself roles in other movies, as well as a slew of voice-over work–my distinct gruff voice makes me ideal for hardass military types, and don't you dare call me a Regular Army Clown
for it, I'm dead serious!–and ultimately a hosting job for several History Channel
programs about the military, including Mail Call
and Lock n' Load
–history programs as only a drill sergeant could do them. I was also House
's father, an abusive ex-drill sergeant! I'll bet he could suck a golf ball through a garden hose while on the job!
And in case you were wondering, maggot, I retired as a Staff
Sergeant. However, in 2002, I was given an honorary promotion post-retirement–the first in Marine Corps history, mind you!–to Gunnery Sergeant by order of the Commandant of the Marine Corps "in recognition of [my] continuing support to Americans in military service, and of [my] service as an unofficial ambassador for the Marine Corps."
You got all that down? What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Did you not bring a pen, pencil or paper with you? Were you hoping you'd remember everything I've said up to this point? Well, I certainly hope your major malfunction isn't as a result of someone gouging out your eyeballs and skullfucking you in the brain, because you're going to need a very good brain, you twinkle-toed cocksucker!
- Bullet Time: What the fuck did you expect when you saw all those guns on Lock n' Load?
- The Cameo: On the Artillery episode of Lock and Load, the hwacha, an ancient Korean multiple rocket launcher, is mentioned and shown being fired. It's the exact same one that the MythBusters Build Team constructed, as shown by the mismatched wheels, but they don't deserve credit in my book, because they are pukes! They are the lowest life forms on Earth! They are not even human fucking beings–they are unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit!
- Does Not Like Spam: In Mail Call, I apparently make it fucking clear that watermelons are my "sworn enemy", and are good only for target practice, both there and in Lock n' Load. However, as I once said, some people think I don't like watermelons. Well, that's not true - I just believe you gotta kill it before you eat it. Honestly, I have nothing against watermelons! It's just that heads are so much more expensive. Of course, I did tell Private Snowball that he wouldn't like that (in addition to fried chicken) watermelon isn't served on a daily basis in my mess hall.
- Fourth Wall Mail Slot: Yeah, I got one, numbnuts, and it's called Mail Call.
- Hand Cannon: There was one Lock and Load episode where I fired a .44 Magnum and got knocked down in the process. I'll admit that my Goddamned awkward crouched position that I was in didn't help my case, as it put me off balance and knocked me over. In another episode, I used a .44 Magnum in a test, despite that caliber not being around when the feature I was testing was invented. I used it just because I like it better, and don't you fucking forget it!
- More Dakka: Look, Lock And Load is about firearms. What the fuck do you expect? This is especially true when I do episodes on machine guns, including the one and only, genuine, original hand-cranked Gatling gun!
- Pin-Pulling Teeth: In one episode of Mail Call, I noted how doing this is a good way to lose your fucking teeth. Your teeth can't handle it? Don't use them to pull the pin unless you got a tooth that REALLY needs to be removed! But as I'm no dentist, I'm afraid I can't help you there, numbnuts!