What are you looking at, numbnuts? Yeah, I'm talking to you! You wanna know all about me? Well, let me tell you something, maggot: I'm only going to tell you what's within your pay grade! I was born in the year 1944, towards the end of World War II–and for those of you who thought it was easy to save the world back in 1918, World War I was just practice!–and served in the United States Marine Corps as a drill instructor in Nam, which was just practice for yelling at you for being the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the Goddamned common courtesy to give him a reach-around! As an actor, I got my big break playing the type of character I was famous for being in real life, when you were just a glimmer in your mother's eye, in Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket. Compared to me, my character was a sadistic and foul-mouthed son-of-a-bitch whose training methods ended with one maggot driven insane and the son-of-a-bitch dead at the hands of the same fucking maggot! And in case you were wondering, many of my lines were unscripted, and you have Kubrick himself to thank for it–especially since he doesn't normally allow his talent to improvise as though they were on the Reduced Shakespeare comedy circuit! And thanks to my performance, I am now the poster child for Drill Sergeant Nasty–and don't you fucking forget it, numbnuts!–and landed myself roles in other movies, as well as a slew of voice-over work–my distinct gruff voice makes me ideal for hardass military types, and don't you dare call me a Regular Army Clown for it, I'm dead serious!–and ultimately a hosting job for several History Channel programs about the military, including Mail Call and Lock n' Load–history programs as only a drill sergeant could do them. I was also House's father, an abusive ex-drill sergeant! I'll bet he could suck a golf ball through a garden hose while on the job! And in case you were wondering, maggot, I retired as a Staff Sergeant. However, in 2002, I was given an honorary promotion post-retirement–the first in Marine Corps history, mind you!–to Gunnery Sergeant by order of the Commandant of the Marine Corps "in recognition of [my] continuing support to Americans in military service, and of [my] service as an unofficial ambassador for the Marine Corps." You got all that down? What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Did you not bring a pen, pencil or paper with you? Were you hoping you'd remember everything I've said up to this point? Well, I certainly hope your major malfunction isn't as a result of someone gouging out your eyeballs and skullfucking you in the brain, because you're going to need a very good brain, you twinkle-toed cocksucker!
"Semper Fi." (salutes) Carry on.