The Main Man don't like bein' looked at funny, fanboys.
"The name's Lobo. That's 'L' as in 'lacerate', 'O' as in 'obliterate', 'B' as in 'disem
bowel', and 'O' as in, uh, aw, I guess I can use 'obliterate' twice, huh, whaddya think?"
Listen up, dweebs! Seein' as how I'm me, it's time I gave ya the real lowdown on the Main Man.
Name's Lobo, and I kill people. That ain't my real name, by the way - you dweebs can't pronounce it
, but it translates to He Who Devours Your Entrails And Thoroughly Enjoys It.
I'm the best fraggin' bounty hunter
the galaxy has to offer - ferget the guy in the potbowl helmet
. I grew up on a rock named Czarnia, which was full of dweebs. So when I took chemistry in high school, I mixed up somethin' special
to show 'em how I really felt
. Fragged every last one of them
for that year's Science project, gave myself an A
. Anyways, afterwards I got hold of a chain and hook, and a nice bike, and I've pretty much been boozin' and fightin' my way across the galaxy ever since.
Some of the nerds around here might try to tell ya I'm some sort of parody of a Nineties Anti-Hero
, but try laughin' at the Main Man and I'll blow yer head off. In any case I predate most of them, first appearing in "Omega Men
" #3 (June, 1983), The Dark Age of Comic Books
where those guys became standard didn't start for about another three years. Records of my life turned up in my own 4 issue mini-series (November, 1990-February, 1991). The readers seemed to love it, as more mini-series turned up and sold well. I next got my own regular series which lasted for 64 issues, from December, 1993 to July, 1999. Not that I ever stopped appearing in the pages of series named after other guys.
Other'n that, I'm pretty much what I look like. Oh, and I like dolphins.
What, ya think that's funny? Waitaminnit. There, here's yer spine back.
The New 52
has taken its toll on my glorious self by making me conspicuously unglorious. Those bastiches turned me into a nancy boy◊
! Oh wait, turns out, I'm in it, as a fake?
No way chumps, I ain't standin' fer this!
The Main Man owns the followin' Tropes:
- Amusing Alien: What, is Captain Obvious doing this list?
- Amusing Injuries: Frequently inflicted onto others but I can make any gruesome injury of my own hilarious.
- Anti-Hero: I make the worst villains look like pussies.
- Anti-Hero Substitute: After the Big Blue Boyscout seemed like he bought it on the Justice League cartoon, yours truly showed up to take his place, since no-one else besides the Main Man woulda been man enough to do it. Some of Superman's enemies tried goin' after us, and I ended up fightin' that tutu-wearin', daisy-sniffin, showtune-singin', broccoli-eatin', sensitivity-expressin' panty-waist Kalibak. I ended up buryin' him under a pile of smashed cars until the little sissy-mary finally agreed to say "Uncle". It was a Crowning Moment of Awesome, but as you mighta guessed the Main Man tends to specialize in that sorta thing.
- Apocalypse How: That one time I found The Mask.
- Always Someone Better: Yes fine fine, that no good goody-goody Dax managed to get the drop on me and pressganged me into working for his wussy L.E.G.I.O.N outfit. He just got lucky, that's all!
- Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: Ya can find numerous examples of me breaking a lotta laws to various degrees, with a decent list being under List of Transgressions, and Iíve done all three offenses themselves taí boot.
- Badass: I wouldn't be the best Bounty Hunter in the galaxy if I couldn't throw doen with all the targets who can smash planets by punching them.
- Badass Biker: I'm DC's best example of this! Heck, my hog's so fraggin' awesome, she leaves black holes in'er dust!
- Barred from the Afterlife: Well, I was kicked out of both heaven and hell! I'm thus immortal!
- Batman Can Breathe in Space: I can smoke a cigar in space.
- Berserk Button
- Any of you bastiches even look at a space dolphin funny when I'm around, an' I'll rip your intestines outta yer ass with my hook!
- And that goes fraggin' triple fer any geeks who jack up my hog!
- BFG: The Main Man's always packin' heat.
- Bigger Is Better in Bed: That angel dude sure seemed impressed when I was dropped in the afterlife in my birthday suit.
- Bloody Hilarious: Címon, if I were any funnier, that clown would be outta business. My comics ain't the stuff for any sissies who can't stand a bit of blood or guts either.
- Boisterous Bruiser: Naturally.
- Bounty Hunter: The best around! So much that I'm the GOD!!
- Breaking the Fourth Wall: No wall is safe from the Main Man!
- Canon Discontinuity: Some fanboy dweebs might have noticed that I ain't exactly myself in my early appearances. In fact, I ain't even Czarian; in Omega Men I'm a Velorpian whose species got fragged by the Psions. Nobody ever talks about that though... if they know what's good for them.
- Cigar Chomper: Even when riding the SpazFrag in space.
- Cluster F-Bomb: They don't call it frag grenade fer nuthin', ya know!
- Contractual Immortality: Heaven and Hell both kicked me out, so now I can't die.
- Cool Bike: Doubles as a Cool Spaceship.
- Darker and Edgier: I sure ain't getting lighter and duller.
- DLC: The Main Man's in that game where that alternate Supes is evil and stuff, but only if you dish out some dough. After I was done fragging all the other losers, I decided to go for the big game myself, hehe... I'm gonna enjoy hunting and fragging those god dudes!
- Unfortunately those bastiches put me in the D-column in their wussy fighting game tier list. No one puts The Main Man in a loser list and lives!
- Doomed Hometown: Cuzza me. Hey, those other Czarnians were jerks.
- Drill Sergeant Nasty: In Tiny Titans, I work as the school coach. Once made my students run a race around the world.
- Enfant Terrible: Heh, they say the nurse who delivered me went insane after just a look at the Main Main!
- Exact Words: The Main Man's word is his bond. Mostly.
- Fat Bastard: WHAT? I ainít fat! Well, okay, maybe I was (or would be) in that whole DC One Million thing, but thatís what, 80 thousand years from now?? (Uh, maybe Iíll make a note to start watching the calories 40 millennia from now, to be on the safe sideÖ)
- Flipping the Bird: I do it when I burn those chumps in that game I'm in. Dunno why they blurred it though, but those chumps at NetherRealm Studios better be ready for a surprise visit.
- From a Single Cell: There was this time I got de-aged and died, and every cell in my blood ended up creating a new Lobo. Then we all fought to the death, with the winner (yours truly) fragging anybody in his way ever since.
- Genius Bruiser: Not only can I rip a spine right out of a body, I can make a homemade virus and hack the JL's satilite!
- Genocide from the Inside: My planet was nothing but dweebs, so I showed 'em what I thought of 'em!
- The Grinch: Uh, no, I've got nothing against Christmas personally. The Easter Bunny's the guy you want. (I just do what he pays me to do. And Santa was kind of a jerk too.)
- Guns Akimbo: Can't have enough.
- Good Thing You Can Heal: Goes for my enemies sometimes and myself.
- Healing Factor: Arguably the best in comics.
- Heel-Face Revolving Door: Hey, if the price is right, nothin' personal, but I gotta frag ya. Now if you're offerin' somethin' better than the other guy, well, I might be persuaded to do that whole team-up thing. Maybe.
- Hilarity Ensues: Oh boy, this could have an entire page dedicated to it. In fact, it Ďíshouldíí have a page dedicated to it! But I guess olí Lobo can tell you about The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special. In it, a couple finds a book about how the Easter Bunny got drunk and hired me to take out olí Santa. Itís as amazing as it sounds.
- Hooks and Crooks: I do love me some hook action. (I wasn't able to use it much in my TV cartoon appearances, though, and you know why? Too hard to animate, they said! What the frag? They can do guys with grappling hooks and babes with lassos but big guys with chains is "hard to animate? Right.)
- Humiliation Conga: Bah, first I got offed by Loo and his filthy coward of a brother, Feces, then I get dropped in some wussy afterlife with wings and harps and crap, so I try to liven the place up a bit, and get dropped into the Other Place for my troubles. Then I got kicked out of THERE for enjoying it! Finally, the Powers That Be had enough of me and let me get reincarnated, only first they send me back as a woman, and then as a friggin SQUIRREL! It took me wiping out half the Celestial host for them to finally dump my soul back into my original body and seal me from the afterlife permanently. I tell ya, it aint easy being the Main Man.
- Hunterof His Own Kind: Like I said, some of my people really pissed me off. Now look at 'em.
- I Come in Peace: I tried my best to be peaceful once. No rippiní a bastichís spine out or fragginí a planet if it annoyed me. Turns out it wasnít tha proper lifestyle fer me.
- Identity Impersonator: That Nancy boy chump is claiming that I'm not the Main Man, he is! What a load of crap.
- I Gave My Word: And the Main Man's word is his bond. If I make a promise, I'm gonna keep it. Course, if I should happen to be released from a promise, watch out. And pay attention to just what I promised, not what you geeks might think I promised.
- Jerkass: First of all, the only fragginí reason I still have a heart is because the damn thing keeps regenerating back. But try to make a case for an inner softie after seeing some of my work.
- Kick the Dog: Anybody remember Dawg, the bulldog that occasionally appeared alongside me? No? THEN YA DIDNíT READ THE FLIPPINí THE BIRD ENTRY YA FRAGGINí BASTICH! But yeah, I kinda sorta kicked him a bit until he stopped moving. And existing. But donít worry too much. Heís appeared later.
- Knife Nut: Does the nickname "Mr. Machete" mean anything to you?
- Kryptonite Factor: Turns out some gases can knock me out, slow my regeneration, sap most of my physical strength and other stuff.
- Large Ham: You tryin' to say I'm delicious?
- Last of His Kind: I'm the one who made myself this. For fun.
- Lighter and Softer: Yeah, the Main Man can do "lighter" from time to time, includin' my Tiny Titans appearances. Say I'm "softer" and you'll be shoppin' for new teeth.
- Light Is Not Good: I got me a Red Lantern Ring from Atrocitus in exchange for pullin' a job for him. I ain't put it on yet, been saving it for a rainy day.
- Lightning Bruiser: Between me beiní able ta knock Superman on his ass and block some aí those speedy punches of his, I say the Main Man qualifies for this. Me on da SpazFrag will leave ya in the dust.
- List of Transgressions: My list.
Wanted for crimes against the Galaxy including: Genocide ... Fratricide ... Patricide ... Matricide ... Impersonating a member of the Intergalactic Church of Truth ... Impersonating a member of the Green Lantern Corps ... Carrying a concealed thermo-nuclear device ... Breaking into the Justice League Satellite ... Fishing without a license ... Jaywalking ... Grand theft plasma rocket ... Disturbance of the peace across three space sectors ... 1,978,643,896 unpaid parking permits ... Illegal bounty hunting ... Wanton destruction of government property ... Demolishing a city without a permit ... Reckless endangerment toward animals ... Hijacking ... Selling/distributing radioactive material to cute fluffy bunny rabbits ... Noise infractions level 5.0 ... Illegally poaching Starros ... Bounty Huntering in a restricted zone ... Stepping on the grass ... Defecating in a public garden ... Loitering ... Advocating the overthrow of the heads of state ... Not honoring the bounty hunter code.
- Local Hangout: I just love Al's diner! And Al and Darlene love it when I show up too. Mainly because the guys who rebuild the city every time I wreck the place always eat there! They make a ton of cash. (Only hard part is making sure I don't wreck the diner too...)
- Meaningful Name: My name's Khundian for "he who devours your entrails and thoroughly enjoys it".
- Money, Dear Boy: Hell, I'll frag myself if it's worth enough! (And I have, too!)
- More Dakka: Frakkin' A! Ain't never enuf dakka!note
- My Horse Is a Motorbike: Name a horse thatís better than da SpazFrag 666. Donít worry about it if ya canít. Nobody else could.
- Names to Run Away From Really Fast: Didja know "Lobo" is also Khundian fer "He Who Devours Your Entrails And Thoroughly Enjoys It"?
- Nineties Anti-Hero: Originally a Word of God Satire/Parody/Pastiche of one, even though I came out of the early 80s. Later played straight at times after I got a lot of Misaimed Fandom popularity.
- Odd Friendship: That Aquaman dude's alright, seein' as he chills with dolphins.
- Etrigan can raise hell in Hell with da Main Man any day.
- Omniglot: Greatest bounty hunter of all time, remember? Howís da Main Man supposed ta get jobs if he canít communicate with most of the universe? Good thing fer me I know 17,897 languages.
- Omnicidal Maniac: I killed everyone from my home planet. Why? Hey, hey, hey, there's only one Lobo. No one is stealing my spotlight from that loser planet.
- Pardon My Klingon: See my omniglot entry.
- Popularity Power: On the receiving end in Marvel VS DC when pit against Wolverine. The winner for each fight was determined by the votes from the readers, so of course that dweeb was their choice of winner, but I was so far out of his leaguenote that the writers didn't actually show the fight because they couldn't think of a way for him to beat me. He was lucky, the bald guy he works for paid me to throw the fight so it wouldn't bruise his ego.
- Pretty Boy: What the New 52 turned me into. A mistake they'll correct real soon if they value their internal organs remaining internal.
- Red Baron: Alright, letís run through the list. The Main Man, Scourge o' the Cosmos, The Last Czarnian, The Destroyer, The Master Fragger, The 'Bo, The Wolf, Mister Machete, He Who Devours Your Entrails and Thoroughly Enjoys It, and thatís just naming a few of Ďem.
- Self-Made Orphan: My parents didn't get through my childhood in too good a shape. Dweebs just didn't know how to nurture me right.
- Super Senses: Having good senses is great for hunting down the bastiches I need to catch. I can find bastiches across a galaxy with my nose.
- Super Strength: Superman wasn't knocked over by my fists' good looks. Or maybe he was. Who knows?
- Strong as They Need to Be: I got all I need. 'Cept a gas mask.
- The Nose Knows: Itís like I told that clown. Once I get yer scent, thereís nowhere in da universe where you can hide from me.
- The Unfettered: Once the Main Man puts his mind to it, he can destroy anything.
- Tomato in the Mirror: You know, you'd think that the Main Man was the first guy someone would think of when they heard that the "ultimate Bastich" who had destroyed a whole solar system, but I was actually the guy who they sent to bring him in. Well, turns out it was me - me and the Mask. And I didn't figure it out until I fought another Mask. (Those Timey-Wimey Ball things can drive ya nuts...)
- Unreliable Narrator: Of course I did kill my entire race! Never mind that the Justice League and Green Lantern Corps never make catching me their priority! That was as true as the time I killed Santa Claus!
- Unsettling Gender Reveal: HEY!! It ain't MY fault that T.V. Smith "chick" turned out ta be a transvestite!!
- Unusual Euphemism: Whatta ya fraggin' bastiches talkin' about?
- Villain Protagonist: Worse than that German guy, at least. I try my best.
- Vitriolic Best Buds: Me and that demon Etrigan ended up as the Type 2 version. Even helped him frag his way through Hell once.
- Weapon of Choice: Chain and hook.
- Where I wuz born an' Fragged: Czarnia