Refuge In Audacity / Jokes

  • A man gets pulled over for speeding. The sheriff ambles up, asks for license and registration. "I'm afraid I don't have it," the man replies sheepishly. "Why not?" asks the cop. "I, uh, think I left it at the bar. I get forgetful after a couple of drinks." "Sir, I'm going to need you to step out of the car." "No can do, sir. I stand up and the .45's gonna fall right outta my waistband." The cop is almost livid by now. "Son, what is wrong with you? What are you carrying around a loaded gun for?" "Well, the hooker's not gonna force herself into the trunk now, will she?" By now the sheriff is on the horn for backup, and half the city has arrived, complete with swat team and the Chief. As they've finished tearing his car apart - by the way, no dead hooker, he passed breathalyzer test, and his license was in the glove compartment - the guy is face down in the road in handcuffs, he turns to the Chief and says "Lemme guess. He probably told you I was speeding, too?"
  • From George Carlin's album "What Am I Doing in New Jersey?":
    "What are they going to do, give me a ticket? Some people live in fear of getting a ticket! They don't know how to handle it. You just got to be firm with the policeman. Be firm with the policeman. Policemen respect strength. While he's writing out that ticket, you gotta give him a BAD LOOK. Then, JUST before he finishes writing it out, tear it out of his hands, tell him you're gonna check it over for mistakes. Take a good, long time reading the ticket, and then crumple it up, throw it on the floor and say, "Fuck you *and* your ticket too, you asshole in a hat! I've got eight or nine of these things floating around here, you think I've got time for yours? Say...don't my taxes pay your salary? You're a public servant: go get me a glass of water. You pinheaded prick! I got a party to get to, I've got a trunk full of heroin here, get out of my way!" He'll like that. He'll be appreciating it *all* the way the *maximum* security penitentiary where you'll spend life with no chance of parole and no conjugal visits. Except from some big guy you don't want one from."
  • It was Ambrose Bierce that first defined chutzpah as that attitude embodied by a boy who murders his entire family, then makes for a mercy plea in court (for a lighter sentence) on the grounds that he is an orphan.
  • In one of his stand-up routines, John Mulaney says that Law & Order: Special Victims Unit must have this because even though other shows get attacked for merely cussing too much, SVU regularly says stuff like "Looks like the victim had anal contusions" or "Looks like we found semen and fecal matter in the victim's ear canal." The bit is part of his Comedy Central Special, "New in Town."
    • In another bit, he talks about a Wild Teen Party he intended in high school that got broken up by the police... and a cop walked downstairs to find a crowd of drunk, white, upper-middle-class teenagers chanting "FUCK DA POLICE!" in his face, with, in John's words, "the confidence of guys who have already been to jail and aren't afraid of it anymore."
    John: And he was almost impressed! He was like, "Wow..."
  • A pastor gets up on Sunday morning. Beautiful day, so he decides to call in sick from church and go golfing. God and the angels see this and the angels take umbrage that a man of God would skip church for golf. God says, "You're right, I need to deal with this."
    Next shot the pastor makes goes ricocheting off several trees, rebounds off the clubhouse and goes slamming into the cup for a hole-in-one. Angels go, "Boss, I thought you were going to punish the guy." God responds, "I did. Who can he tell about this?"
    • A Rabbi on Sabbath is also a common variant.
  • One day while in English class, a college girl texted her boyfriend and told him that she's bored. Not even 5 minutes later, he came bursting to the classroom and yelling "TROLL!!! IN THE DUNGEON!!!... just thought you oughtta know." and then he collapsed on the floor just like Quirrell did in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone movie. Not only was the teacher laughing so hard, he allowed his students to go home early.
  • Two undercover terrorists were having a serious discussion in a park. A woman overheard and approached them out of curiousity. "What are you discussing about?" she asked. One of the terrorists non-chalantly answered, "We are planning to kill 100 people and a cat." The woman got startled and confused, "Why a cat!?" Then the other terrorist told his partner, "See? I told you nobody will care about the 100 people."