Air date: February 16, 1962
Fitzgerald Fortune (Barry Morse), a mean-spirited theatre critic and all-around jackass, is browsing a curio shop for a birthday present for his wife Esther (Joan Hackett). As he loves pranks, especially cruel ones, he has decided on a player piano. In his mind, Esther has been asking for lessons lately, and decides that the best "gift" would be one to imply she can't play. Throckmorton (Philip Coolidge), the shop's gruff owner, agrees to demonstrate the piano and feeds a roll of music into it. To Fitzgerald's surprise, the melody seems to have an effect on the proprietor, who reveals a hidden sentimentality and even offers to lower the price of the instrument. However, when the song ends, he comes out of his trance and acts as though it never happened. Intrigued, Fitzgerald agrees to purchase the piano and have it sent to his home.
At Fitzgerald's palatial estate, preparations are underway for Esther's birthday party. After offering the piano to his wife (as well as delighting her instant understanding of the Stealth Insult), Fitzgerald puts a sheet of cheerful music into the instrument. Suddenly, the Fortunes' incredibly somber butler Marvin (Cyril Delevanti) enters, smiling uncontrollably. He explains that, despite his stoic and sullen demeanor, he loves working for Fitzgerald, noting that the man is so petty and the drama he creates so hilarious, he's been laughing on the inside for years. The sudden flood of honesty once again stops as the music does, and Fitzgerald realizes that the piano has the magical ability to force people to reveal their innermost secrets when a particular song is played.
Fitzgerald decides to continue his cruel jokes by inserting a more violent song inside the piano. This one affects Esther, who unleashes a lengthy and furious rebuttal about how much she hates Fitzgerald, and that she views her marriage to him as the biggest mistake of her life. The critic is far more amused at Esther's humiliation than he is insulted by her words, and keeps up the prank when Gregory Walker (Don Durant), a young playwright whose career Fitzgerald has impeded by writing all sorts of nasty reviews, arrives at the estate. When Fitzgerald inserts another song into the piano, the spellbound Gregory, who took pride in being a bachelor and thought of romance as frivolous, promptly confesses his passion and feelings of love for Esther, even admitting that the two had an affair when Fitzgerald was away. The revelation sends Esther into a further tailspin of guilt, but she is even more insulted when Fitzgerald reveals that he knew she was sneaking around with someone, but doesn't particularly care (he was more interested in finding out who she was seeing rather than why). Esther begs Fitzgerald not to use the piano at the party, but he refuses, having far too much fun to stop now.
The trio's conversation is interrupted by the first of the birthday guests to arrive: Marge Moore (Muriel Landers), a jovial, heavyset woman unashamed of her figure. A few hours later, the party is in full swing. Marge is the center of attention, enjoying the food and the company while cracking everyone up with self-deprecating jokes about her weight ("Diet? What's that?"). Fitzgerald decides that Marge makes a perfect target for the piano's magic and invites everyone to sit down as he demonstrates it. He chooses a song that puts Marge into a trance, and she admits that she imagines herself as a small, beautiful ballerina named Tina, going on to demonstrate some of her moves. Thinking it's a joke, all the guests begin to laugh uproariously. Things quickly take a turn for the serious when Marge begins dreamily revealing her secret hopes of finding a man to love her. It's then that everyone realizes she isn't kidding, and the laughter stops, except for Fitzgerald, who is even more delighted when the song ends and Marge takes her seat, completely humiliated.
Fitzgerald claims that he's saved the best for last, and instructs Esther to put a particular song into the piano that he says will "bring out the Devil." Esther secretly swaps the roll Fitzgerald had prepared with "Brahms's Lullaby". The guests look around, trying to determine who will be the next affected, but Marge notices that Fitzgerald himself seems oddly uneasy. As she questions him, Fitzgerald reveals his own hidden secrets. Deep down, he's nothing but a angry, spoiled, and scared little boy, who lashes out at the world because he can't comprehend joy and love. He confesses to specifically choosing his victims because of his own insecurities: he embarrassed Marge because he's envious of her genuine love of life, her kindness, and her ability to make others happy; he attacked Gregory out of childish spite and jealousy, and admits to deliberately writing poor reviews of his plays because he can't stand that the younger man has more creative talent than he himself ever will.
Fully realizing that Fitzgerald is "just a poor, frightened kid" at his core, Marge takes pity on him and tells the guests that they should leave. As the guests silently file out, Fitzgerald admits to hurting Esther most of all because he couldn't understand and therefore return her love for him, and so attacked her like a child would do. Gregory allows Esther to come away with him, which she promptly accepts, leaving Fitzgerald all alone. He promptly throws a massive tantrum and destroys the whole room, including the piano roll, which breaks the spell and brings him back to normal. Marvin enters to see his employer lying on the ground, surrounded by his own destruction. Fitzgerald angrily tells Marvin not to laugh at him, the butler sadly promises just that, responding: "I'm not laughing, Mr. Fortune. You're not funny anymore."
A Piano in the Tropes:
- Acrofatic: When Marge is entranced, she demonstrates her desire of being a ballerina, and how she's very graceful for a woman of her size. This is Truth in Television, as Muriel Landers, who played Marge, was a gifted dancer.
- Age-Gap Romance: Fitzgerald is implied to be at least a decade older than Esther, given that she comments how she was "a stupid child" when she married him, as well as Fitzgerald's own taunting about how young and infantile her friends are compared to him. Barry Morse and Joan Hackett were 44 and 28, respectively, at the time of filming, but the exact ages of their characters are never given.
- Anguished Declaration of Love: Played with. It's very much anguished and it comes from Fitzgerald, but it's not exactly a declaration. Rather, it's an acknowledgement, to how Fitzgerald comprehends that Esther truly loved him, until resentment towards his abuse set in. The tragedy of it all is, Fitzgerald admits that he knows Esther's love was sincere, but by his own sobering admission, he's incapable of requiting any sort of love, except through the only way he knows how.
- Beg the Dog: Fitzgerald mocks, derides, and abuses everyone he knows, from a local playwright, to his butler, to his wife Esther. Things get worse when Fitzgerald buys the titular piano and learns that it has the power to compel people to reveal their innermost desires. He presents the instrument at his wife's birthday party that night and, after a grand evening of humiliating people for his own sadism, ends up Hoist by His Own Petard when Esther puts in a roll that reveals Fitzgerald's deep secret: he's actually a scared, frightened, angry child who torments those around him because he's terrified and envious of them. His tone makes it clear that he's begging for everyone to forgive him, but they realize that he's simply too pathetic of a wretch to worry about and instead leave, including Esther, who finds new romance in Gregory.
- Big Beautiful Woman: Marge is full-figured, but also very lovely. Her genuine grace and poise when she pretends she's a ballerina only adds to this.
- Big Eater: Marge samples every dish at the party with sheer glee. It's lampshaded when another woman remarks that she can't have a particular snack because of her current diet. Marge jokes "Diet? What's that?", one of the many signs of her genuine love of all of life's pleasures.
- Big Fun: Marge is fun-loving and jovial, and seemingly doesn't have a care in the world about her weight. It's at least partially an act, as her piano-induced confession reveals, but she genuinely is kind and has a great lust for life.
- Bittersweet Ending: Esther and Gregory leave the Fortune estate to start a new life together, but it's treated as sobering retreat from the spoiled Manchild Fitzgerald truly is. This leaves Fitzgerald himself to throw a humiliated tantrum, not just because his wife's left him, but because his own true nature has been exposed. Even Marvin doesn't find him as amusing as before.
- Bottle Episode: Except for the first scene at Throckmorton's curio shop, the entire episode takes place in the Fortunes' apartment.
- Cannot Tell a Lie: This is part of the piano's power. If a question is asked while the right music is playing, the person under its spell has to answer with complete honesty.
- Caustic Critic: Fitzgerald, a theatre critic, is a cruel, callous man. He takes delight in humiliating Esther, Greg, Marge, and Marvin by using the piano to force them to reveal their most private thoughts and feelings. Dialogue from Gregory (and during Fitzgerald's own breakdown) reveals that Fitzgerald deliberately writes bad reviews of genuinely good works out of pettiness and spite, making him a dishonest critic as well.
- Childish Villain, Mature Hero: Fitzgerald, the villain of the episode, is ultimately revealed to be a spoiled, scared little boy who attacks others because of his own self-loathing and misery. Esther, Greg, and Marge, by contrast, handle the entire situation with maturity and grace. Esther tries her best to keep Fitzgerald from using the piano so other people will be spared, while Marge feels pity toward Fitzgerald and, instead of trying to get back at him for his cruelty toward her, encourages the other party guests to leave without comment. As for Greg, he demonstrates an emotional maturity to not only recognize Esther's true value, but low-key gives her an out from staying with Fitzgerald.
- Domestic Abuse: Fitzgerald engages in emotional and psychological abuse toward Esther with his cruel pranks, constant insults, and generally horrible demeanor around her. Unfortunately, since divorce was relatively rare (and quite shameful) when the episode first aired, Esther is trapped in the situation and forced to keep quiet about it.
- Don't You Dare Pity Me!: Fitzgerald cannot stand it when, after he's been forced to spill his guts and be humiliated in front of everyone, Marge handles it with good grace and, rather than laugh at him the way he laughed at her, simply says it's time for everyone to go. The immature Fitzgerald takes this as an insult and throws a tantrum over it.
- Earn Your Happy Ending: After spending several years putting up with her abusive wretch of a husband, Esther discovers that he's an angry child who can't even comprehend love. Though she's stoic about it, she leaves the home with Gregory, her one-time lover, who offers her to come with him. It can be safe to assume that she's gotten the perfect birthday present: the chance to start a new life with a man who will love her unconditionally.
- Easily Forgiven: A variation. Marge suffered the most humiliation out of all of Fitzgerald's victims (confessing her deepest secret in front of a whole room of people), but she doesn't gloat or exact revenge on him when he shows his own true colors. Instead, she realizes that he's merely a broken, scared, angry child and implicitly forgives him, choosing to lead the other party guests in leaving the house rather than be petty about the whole thing, showing her maturity compared to Fitzgerald's miserable failings.
- Establishing Character Moment: The beginning alone illustrates Fitzgerald as a Caustic Critic who patronizes everyone around him, be it a rude and abrasive "junk shop" owner, or his own gentle and loving wife.
- Everybody Has Standards: Played with. It doesn't take effect when the party guests are laughing at an entranced Marge dancing and identifying herself as a ballerina, thinking she's merely joking. But once they learn these are actually her most genuine desires and secrets, all of them (sans Fitzgerald) go quiet.
- Fat and Proud: Marge. Or at least, she pretends to be. Through the piano, she secretly desires to be thin and graceful, imagining herself as a ballerina.
- Foreshadowing: When Fitzgerald first converses with Throckmorton, he remarks on the irony that his emporium is owned by "a man who despises people" instead of a "sentimental old biddie in a moth-eaten feather boa". It's only after using the piano for the first time that Fitzgerald's suspicions are confirmed, as Throckmorton reveals a sentimental interior.
- When Fitzgerald makes it a point that he bought his wife a self-playing piano because he doubts she has the talent to play herself, Esther gives a subdued "thank you", but her inflection hints she's not at all happy with her husband's treatment of her. Sure enough, when the piano plays her song, Esther reveals that she resents her husband's treatment and only pretends that none of the abuse bothers her.
- Hate Sink: Fitzgerald, who mocks, rebukes, condemns, and abuses everyone and everything in his day-to-day life. When the piano affects him, it makes him confess that he does these things because he's a lonely, angry, scared little boy who lashes out at the goodness of the world because he doesn't know how to respond to it.
- Heroic Self-Deprecation: Marge is perfectly willing and eager to laugh at herself, cracking jokes at her own expense. It's deconstructed in that she secretly has self-image issues, and it's implied that the jokes are a way of protecting herself, since people can't laugh at her behind her back if she does it out in the open, before they even get the chance.
- Hidden Depths: The piano has the ability to reveal this in other people when specific pieces of music are played on it.
- Throckmorton is a cynical grouch at first glance, but underneath that is a tenderhearted man who places great importance on love.
- Fitzgerald's butler Marvin appears perpetually sad, but it's meant to mask his jolly and smiling personality.
- Esther acts like a patient wife who's complacent with Fitzgerald's abuse, but in reality, she buries a deep and passionate hatred towards her husband's vile nature.
- Gregory pretends that he's blissfully happy being a bachelor, living a solitary life, and thinking of romance as foolish, but he turns out to be a sensitive and romantic man with passionate feelings of love for Esther, even having a tryst with her while she was on vacation.
- Marge isn't upset with her round figure and cracks fat jokes at her own expense, but she secretly dreams of being a thin and graceful ballerina.
- Fitzgerald himself is revealed to be a sad and angry little boy who lashes out at everyone because he cannot understand nor return their love and happiness. This is Truth in Television, as people with self-esteem issues often make themselves feel better by making others feel worse.
- Hoist by His Own Petard: Fitzgerald finds gleeful fascination in the piano and wants to find out the hidden secrets of his wife and friends. In the end, he ends up revealing the hidden secrets of himself, resulting in everyone abandoning him.
- I Just Want to Be Loved: Marge's deepest secret, other than wanting to be a thin ballerina, is that she wishes to find a gentle and caring man to take her into his arms.
- Ironic Echo: Early in the episode, Marvin says that he's been internally laughing at Fitzgerald and his petty games for decades. When he enters at the end and sees Fitzgerald lying broken and humiliated on the floor, he remarks that he's no longer laughing, as his employer is no longer funny.
- Irony:
- Marvin has been keeping his easily-amused personality hidden because he was worried it would cost him his job. However, up until the piano revealed it, Fitzgerald was considering firing Marvin just because he seemed too glum and depressing.
- Similarly, Fitzgerald makes a jolly game out of forcing everyone to reveal their hidden secrets... only to end up the most humiliated of all when he's subjected to the piano's magic.
- Building on the above, Fitzgerald patronizes Esther's friends and the party guests for being younger than him by alluding that they would be entertained by puerile games such as "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" or "Spin the Bottle". Towards the end of the episode, it's Fitzgerald himself who is revealed to be a child who acts even more immature than the very people he looked down upon.
- Jerkass Realization: It's implied that everyone at the party had one when they realized what the piano does: forcing you to confess your deepest desires. When they realize Marge isn't merely joking around like she usually does and genuinely means what she says about desiring love, they all promptly stop laughing.
- Kick the Dog: Fitzgerald pulls a low-key version when he buys Esther a player piano. He recalls that she's always wanted to learn to play piano, but when Esther notes this one plays by itself, he explains that he bought it specifically because he figured she has no talent and wanted to "save [her] the trouble".
- Laser-Guided Karma: Fitzgerald spends the whole day using the magic piano to make people blurt out all of their secrets. At the episode's end, he's subjected to the same treatment, and subsequently abandoned by all of his friends and his wife for it.
- Magic Music: The whole concept of the episode. The titular piano, when combined with the right roll of music, can make an individual start spilling out their deepest secrets and desires.
- Manchild: Fitzgerald turns out to be an angry and scared little boy, and is so abusive to everyone around him because he doesn't know how to respond to love and goodness.
- My God, What Have I Done?: The party guests are wordlessly mortified that they laughed at Marge's secret wish to be a thin ballerina, when in reality, she was serious. What's more, they are left speechless at how genuine and sweet she is deep down.
- Not Worth Hurting: Marge and the other party guests realize that Fitzgerald is so utterly pathetic and broken that trying to get revenge on him at this point would be akin to tormenting a child, so they choose to leave him instead. He doesn't take it well.
- Perpetual Frowner: Marvin never smiles, to the point that Fitzgerald considers firing him simply because he finds his presence depressing. However, the piano reveals that Marvin is actually a very happy person who often has to stop himself from laughing at Fitzgerald whenever he plays his sadistic games.
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Esther tries to be a loving and patient wife to Fitzgerald, but after he plays the piano, it's revealed that she has a passionate hatred towards her husband's abusive and callous nature:Esther: You... beast! I've controlled myself for six years... and I can't stand it any longer! I was a stupid child when I married you. I thought you were a great man. But you aren't! You're just a sadistic fiend! You take pleasure in humiliating me in front of your clever friends. You enjoy hurting me. I've stood your cruelty for six years, and I can't stand it anymore!Fitzgerald: Are you feeling well, my dear?Esther: I feel better than I've felt for years! It's a great relief to tell you what I really think about you. I've kept it bottled up for so long. I thought you needed me. I thought you needed my love, but you don't. You just need someone to bully and to torture when you feel like it. I tried to love you... Heaven knows I did... But I hate you. I hate you!
- Right for the Wrong Reasons: Esther doesn't seem to have any idea that Brahms's "Lullaby," the music roll she secretly chooses to put in the piano, would be the one to affect Fitzgerald. She simply feared what his desired piece might do and grabbed the first one she could find to keep the party guests safe. The fact that her choice ends up exposing her husband as a pathetic wreck is pure coincidence.
- Stepford Smiler:
- Marge, to an extent. She may be playful and seemingly takes her obesity in stride, but it's a façade to hide how poignantly she wants to find love and be a thin and graceful ballerina.
- Marvin is an inversion, as he's a Stepford Frowner until the piano reveals him to be jolly in his employer's presence.
- Esther is also one to a degree. She does her best to act polite and demure around Fitzgerald, but absolutely despises him and how he treats her.
- Sympathetic Adulterer: Esther. It's perfectly understandable, considering that she's married to a man who utterly delights in making her miserable, and this was before divorce was much of an option. She manages to break away from Fitzgerald in the end by running off with Gregory, who will provide her with the love she was almost always denied.
- Sympathy for the Devil: The kindhearted Marge quickly realizes that Fitzgerald is a broken little boy who lashes out at everyone because he can't understand love. She takes pity on him and leads the other guests into leaving without comment rather than seeking revenge.
- Tomato in the Mirror: Of a "realistic" sort. Fitzgerald spends the whole episode exposing people for who they truly are with the piano, but he gets his just deserts when he is revealed to have a deeply hidden personality himself. Lampshaded by the ending narration.
- Villain Protagonist: Fitzgerald Fortune is the central character in the story, but he's also an utterly contemptible bastard. The audience is clearly meant to root for Esther, Gregory, Marge, and Marvin as opposed to him.
