Release: February 5, 2013
Movie: The Odd Life of Timothy Green (2012)
This review contains examples of:
- Big "NO!": The film passes the point of redeemability for the Critic when the lead couple, when asked if they would do anything different, answer: make better mistakes.Critic: So, your argument is: you fucked up, you're glad you fucked up, and you will continue to fuck up in new and spectacular ways. (smiles faux-pleasantly for a few moments before snapping) NO!!! (drops a psychadelic background displaying a giant "NO" across the screen, points his finger at the word from the left) NOOOOOOO!!! (raises the background back up) YOU MAKE MISTAKES SO YOU CAN LEARN FROM THEM, NOT SO THAT YOU CAN MAKE MORE MISTAKES!
- Big, Screwed-Up Family: The Chia Child family, Played for Laughs.
- Cargo Ship: As the importance of pencils increases in the film, the Critic expects to see "someone fuck a pencil" too.
- Comically Missing the Point: Critic in character as a failing student constantly misinterprets his teacher's declaration that he's failed his exam.
- Country Matters: While the mother's jerkass sister is texting on her phone, Critic dubs over her saying that she's searching the Internet to see if her name's replaced the c-word yet.
- Description Cut: After noticing a background character taking notes on the lead couple's story, the Critic wonders what he'd be writing on his notepad. Cut to a notepad, now coated with words questioning the couple's sanity, the biggest reading: "INSANE!" and "CALL 911???".
- Facepalm: Double-handed version upon hearing the scene described below in
Moral Event Horizon. - Finishing Each Other's Sentences: Parodied by a couple (played by Doug and Rachel), in response to how the lead couple seems to constantly perfectly guess their next phrase. The husband's attempt to drive the wife into not bringing up disturbing content horribly escalates.
- Gilligan Cut: Critic opens his intro to the movie asking how bad it could possibly—one viewing later, he's still talking in the same cheerful voice, but his hands are now covered in blood.Critic: My apologies to the neighbor's cat. It's just that after seeing a film that was so... cat-killingly bad, I had no choice but to destroy the nearest living creature. I mean... wow. Wow! God Jesus wow! Heaven above Lord shit fuck wow!! This film is horrendous! I mean, it's god-awful! I could rip into this shit storm so much that... that's exactly what I'm gonna do! This is The Odd Terribly Disturbed Life... of Timothy Green! [NC looks sad about what he has done] I'm sorry, Waffles.[A picture of the cat appears in the upper left corner of the screen as "Gloria" plays]
- In Memoriam: In universe. Critic shows a brief dedication card to the cat he murdered after watching the movie.
- Jerkass: The Critic repeatedly points out how unrealistically cruel all the adults who aren't the parents are. In particular, he really seems to hate the mom's sister.Critic: (after Mrs. Green lies about Timothy's abilities) I'm sorry, just because you make one the spawn of Satan doesn't mean the other one is a decent human being!
...
Sister: (while Mr. Green cheers for Timothy) Is he drunk!?
Critic as Sister: I AM SO DISTURBED BY THIS EMOTION YOU MORTALS CALL "LOVE"! - Karma Houdini: A bizarre inversion brought up by the Critic multiple times, the girl that Timothy has a crush on is repeatedly harassed by his parents despite the fact that she did absolutely nothing to deserve it.
- Mundane Made Awesome: In keeping with the movie hyping up pencils to be an entire subplot, the Critic treats pencils like literal gifts from God that are perfect in every way, complete with halo lighting and lens flares.Critic: (When Timothy suggests making a new kind of pencil) Didn't you hear, the pencil is already perfect!! To redesign it would be to redesign Avalon!!!
- Obviously Evil: Parodied with the Critic's impressions of the sister and Bad Boss.Crudstaff: Oh, look here! It's the boy who kicked the winning goal for the other team!Critic (As Crudstaff) *chuckles* Children are to be mocked and shamed!
- Papa Wolf: He calls the main characters out on how they pressure the kid and can't stand that almost everyone in the film is a jerkass. In fact, he completely loses his shit when the parents say they'll make more mistakes with their new kid rather than learn from them. Yeah, he hates this movie.
- Parody Commercial: In the middle of the review, an advertisement for "Chia Child" plays.
- Running Gag: Whenever the Critic gets annoyed with the plot and wishes there be a scene about the town's obsession with pencils, it cuts to a stupid scene about pencils."I swear, if someone doesn't fuck a pencil by the time this movie's over, I'll be sure to do it for them!"
- Shout-Out
- "Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor" plays during the scene of Timothy's "birth".
- When Timothy is first discovered newly grown, the Critic refers to him as "Children of the Corn".
- Critic tries to make a joke about the altered version of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial only to discover the original one is back on DVD.
- The Popeye theme plays when Timothy gets a boost of sunlight to help him play soccer better.
- Critic describes the story as so bizarre that even Rod Serling would chew off his own balls upon hearing it.
- Something Else Also Rises: When Timothy sees his girlfriend for the first time, Critic imitates him saying "I think one of my stems is growing!"
- Stay in the Kitchen: Inverted, At the end of "Chia Child", the mom pulls out a gun and demands her husband make her a sandwich.Husband: Man, we're nuts!
- Take That!: After the Critic notices the father making two opposite remarks in the movie, he invites the audience to play a game called "Politicians".
- Critic compares the film to a TLC show.
- Third-Person Person: "Coach Cal likes speaking in the third person. Coach Cal thinks if an old, crusty white man like Bob Dole can do it, Coach Cal can, too. But Coach Cal signs Timmy up for soccer anyway because... Coach Cal likes losing?"
- This Is for Emphasis, Bitch!: "Nobody touches the leaves, bitch!"
- Trigger-Happy: The mom at the end of Chia Child.
- Wham Shot: The critic's hands being covered in blood after viewing the film, with him outright stating that he murdered a neighbor's cat because the film was so "cat-killingly bad."
- World of Pun: Often uses puns to segue into the next scene.Critic: By the time the movie is over you want to eat the goddamned [pencils]! But our couple doesn't seem to have much of an appetite, as they're still heartbroken about Garner being as unfruitful as their vegetable garden.
