Relations between the three Swampmen are at rock bottom; Hawkeye is furious with B.J. for breaking into his foot locker and stealing his socks, while B.J. and Charles are angry at Hawkeye for keeping them awake all night with the light from his reading lamp. Igor tells Hawkeye that a comrade of his is being sent back to the States and needs someone to take over the "lease" on the room he has been renting for romantic trysts.
The timing of the Swampmen's war is unfortunate, as Mildred Potter's birthday is coming up, and Col. Potter decides to paint a group picture of the three of them, along with Margaret, Klinger, and Father Mulcahy. Another argument breaks out at the first sitting, and Hawkeye decides to take Igor's suggestion to move out. However, boredom and loneliness set in very quickly, while B.J. and Charles are soon getting on each other's nerves as never before, B.J. by reading letters from home about Erin's potty training progress and Charles by playing his records non-stop.
Col. Potter tries to paint the subjects of his painting in pairs, during which Mulcahy learns of Hawkeye's loneliness, Margaret learns of Charles' exasperation with B.J.'s letters, and Klinger learns of B.J.'s Sanity Slippage thanks to Charles' records. Determined to re-unite the three bunkmates, Mulcahy persuades Charles to consider asking Hawkeye to return so that B.J. has someone else to hear his news from home, Klinger lies to B.J. that he heard Charles recording a tape to his sister Honoria about trying to drive the captain into leaving by playing his records, and Margaret pretends to Hawkeye that Erin Hunnicutt has a bladder infection and Charles has been mocking B.J. over it. Within hours, Hawkeye moves back into the Swamp, to his bunkmates' relief. However, during the final sitting for the group portrait, the lies and schemes Margaret, Mulcahy, and Klinger devised to get the Swampmen back together come spilling out in a torrent, and a loud, six-way argument breaks out, contrasting sharply with the harmony and camaraderie in the finished painting.
In The Tag, B.J. is reading yet another letter from home full of stories about Erin, and Hawkeye finally has enough and stomps over to Charles' record player to crank the volume and drown B.J. out.
Attention all personnel! Colonel Potter will be painting a portrait of the following tropes:
- Batman Gambit: The ploys enacted by Margaret, Klinger, and Father Mulcahy to re-unite the Swampmen all rely on them behaving as expected:
- Margaret claims to Hawkeye that Charles has been mocking Erin Hunnicutt's (invented) bladder infection, anticipating that Hawkeye will return to defend his friend from their bunkmate's mockery.
- Klinger tells B.J. that Charles is playing his records incessantly to drive him out and get the Swamp to himself, expecting that B.J. will try to get Hawkeye back as a defence against Charles' (invented) scheme.
- Father Mulcahy tells Charles that Hawkeye is desperately lonely and that Erin's potty training may go on for many months, predicting that Charles will be anxious for Hawkeye to return so that he is not the only captive audience for B.J.'s letters from home.
- Be Careful What You Wish For: After the blowup during the first group portrait sitting, Hawkeye decides to take Igor's suggestion to move into the room behind Rosie's, looking forward to the peace and quiet having no bunkmates will provide. It isn't long before he is bored out of his mind and starved for companionship, unable even to interest himself in his usual pulp crime novels and latching onto Father Mulcahy's vague promise to visit like a drowning man grabbing a life preserver.
- Contrived Coincidence: Usually when the Swamp Rats are at each others' throats, Potter is able to defuse the situation with either folksy wisdom or simply sending one of them to Tokyo for a long weekend.
- Exact Words: When B.J. and Charles complain about Hawkeye's reading lamp keeping them from falling asleep, Hawkeye says he will turn the light off only when he reaches the end of his book. Charles gets out of bed, tears the book down the spine at the page Hawkeye is currently reading, hands back the first part only, and tells Hawkeye he is now at the "end" of the book before turning off the light.
- Gambit Pileup: If just one of Margaret, Father Mulcahy, or Klinger had carried out a scheme to get Hawkeye to move back into the Swamp, everything might have been settled amicably, with the three bunkmates none the wiser. But because all three carried out separate gambits to get the trio back together, they all collide in spectacular fashion in the final scene before The Tag:Klinger: [angrily] This is terrific, Major! You had to go and make up some stupid lie when I had the whole thing under control!
Margaret: [livid] You had the whole thing under control!? Who asked you to stick in your two cents?! I'm the one who got Pierce to move back in!
Mulcahy: [indignant] Now just a minute, you two buttinskies, I had Winchester on the verge of begging Pierce to come back!
[the three of them begin arguing with each other and with the three Swampmen, who are furious to discover that they've all been lied to] - Hypocritical Humor: When Hawkeye grumbles to Igor about how difficult it is to live with "a couple of irrational jackasses", Igor says B.J. and Charles have just been complaining about how difficult it is to live with just one. To which Hawkeye responds, "What a rotten thing to say!"
- I Resemble That Remark!: When the Swampmen refuse to stand near each other during the first portrait sitting, with B.J. saying he wants to be in another row and Hawkeye saying he wants to be in another painting, Margaret tells them they're acting like five-year-olds. "Are NOT!" says Hawkeye with childish petulance.
- Irony: In the final scene before The Tag, the camera pans across to the finished painting, showing B.J., Hawkeye, Charles, Klinger, Father Mulcahy, and Margaret, all smiles, seemingly the best of friends... completely the opposite of the six-way argument going on in the background.
- Lame Pun Reaction: The morning after his argument with B.J. over stealing his socks, Hawkeye enters the mess tent with every sock he owns stuffed into his shirt pockets, prompting Igor to ask, "Goin' to a sock hop?" Hawkeye glances at his pockets, then declares the pun "subtle, but unamusing".
- Oh, Crap!: Since Margaret and Klinger told outright lies to get the Swampmen back together, while Father Mulcahy betrayed Hawkeye's confidence, they all get alarmed looks at the final portrait sitting when the truth starts to come out, knowing that it will not only destroy the truce between the bunkmates, but make their strife worse than before:[Charles sings to himself as Col. Potter puts the finishing touches on the painting]
B.J.: [while maintaining a smile for the painting] Too late Charles, we're not going anywhere.
Charles: [confused] What are you talking about?
Klinger: [half-standing up hurriedly] He's not talking about anything, let's all be real quiet so the colonel can finish! [sits down and smiles again]
B.J.: [still maintaining his smile] Don't play dumb with me, Charles, you know perfectly well what I'm talking about!
Charles: ... No, I'm afraid I don't, but you're welcome to continue, as long as it has nothing to do with your daughter's bladder. [shoots a glare at B.J. for this last word]
Hawkeye: [drops his own smile and glares at Charles] Charles, you insensitive crumb! How could even you make fun of a kid's medical problem!?
Charles: What are you talking about?
B.J.: What problem? Erin's doing fine.
Hawkeye: That's not what I heard.
Margaret: [half-standing up hurriedly, as Klinger did] Pierce, can't you ever keep your big mouth shut?! [sits down again]
Charles: Now now, Margaret, he'll just go crying to the priest.
Hawkeye: What!?
Mulcahy: [half-standing up hurriedly, like Klinger and Margaret before him] Ixnay, Major, ixnay! - Rule of Three: When the other three subjects of the group painting try to defuse tensions between the Swampmen, we are treated to a three-part gag about their living conditions:Hawkeye: [pointing at Charles] This jerk tore my book apart!
B.J.: [pointing at Hawkeye] Because this jerk was reading 'til two in the morning!
Mulcahy: You're all acting like jerks!
Hawkeye: You stay out of this, Father, you live alone!
Margaret: [outraged] Just like you, Pierce, to pick on a priest!
Hawkeye: Oh, shut up, you live alone too!
Klinger: Can't we just be quiet and get this over with?
B.J., Charles: [glaring at Klinger] SO DO YOU! - Screw This, I'm Outta Here: As the peace between the Swampmen collapses and drags Margaret, Klinger, and Father Mulcahy down with it, Col. Potter announces that the painting is finished. But as the six subjects are too busy arguing with each other, the colonel sets down his brush, gives a shrug of resignation, and leaves the room as the argument gets ever louder.
