A list of episode titles and summaries for the FOX sitcom, Malcolm in the Middle
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"Pilot": Malcolm's miserable life worsens when his I.Q. test results come back, revealing that he's a genius and is placed in a class filled with neurotic nerds known as the Krelboynes.
"Red Dress": When Lois, Malcolm's sadistic mother, finds her red dress burned and stuffed in the toilet, she immediately blames Malcolm and his brothers, Reese and Dewey, and holds them hostage until one or all of them confesses. Meanwhile, Hal, Malcolm's Bumbling Dad, makes friends with the waitstaff while waiting for Lois.
"Home Alone 4": Malcolm's older brother, Francis (who has been sent to military school following a string of atrocities he committed, including getting a nose ring and setting someone's car on fire), is asked to babysit Malcolm Reese and Dewey while Hal and Lois go to a wedding, and the boys are forced to behave so they can prove that Francis is responsible and deserves to come home.
"Shame": After a bully takes the last two pizzas in the lunch line, Malcolm snaps and beats him up — then gets in trouble (and must deal with his conscience) when he finds out that the big, mean bully he took down is an overgrown seven-year-old. Meanwhile, Hal cuts down the tree blocking his house, and Francis tries to sabotage Commandant Spangler's sex-ed lecture.
"Malcolm Babysits": To raise money for an erector set, Malcolm takes a job as a babysitter for a clean, functional family who treat Malcolm like a king — until Malcolm finds a horrible secret about his alleged charges. Meanwhile, the rest of Malcolm's family is forced to camp out in a trailer while their house is being fumigated, and Francis finds the corpse of a janitor in the military school basement and sets out to give the poor man a proper funeral.
"Sleepover": Malcolm helps his handicapped friend, Steve, have a real boys' night out during a sleepover. Meanwhile, Lois challenges Reese to give Dewey a bath in order to prove that he's old enough to watch a scary movie, and Francis gets hazed by a secret society at the military school, and proves to be no match for the mental and emotional torture he suffered from living with Lois.
"Francis Escapes": Francis goes AWOL from military school to see his abusive, trashy girlfriend (who ditches him for being boring).
"Krelboyne Picnic": Malcolm tries to ditch going to a school picnic set up by the Krelboyne class.
"Lois vs. Evil": When Dewey accidentally shoplifts a $150 bottle of cognac and Lois makes him return it, Lois finds herself out of her job as a clerk at the local drugstore. Meanwhile, Francis is chosen as a beauty pageant color guard.
"Stock Car Races": Hal encourages the boys to play hooky in order to go to the stock car races. Meanwhile, Lois combs the house for her missing paycheck (not realizing that Hal stole it so he can go to the stock car races) and finds incriminating evidence of everything the boys and Hal tried to hide from her.
"Funeral": The family reluctantly prepares to go to the funeral of a hated relative, but Lois finally gets fed-up with the collective attitude and declares herself on strike.
"Cheerleader": Reese joins the cheerleading squad because he has a crush on one of the cheerleaders, making Malcolm such an outcast that even his circle of nerd friends are laughing at him.
"Rollerskates": Hal gives Malcolm rollerskating lessons, but Malcolm becomes frustrated and curses out his father. Meanwhile, Lois throws out her back (after yelling at Reese) while Francis fakes a back injury to get out of a wilderness survival activity at military school.
"The Bots and the Bees": Malcolm and the Krelboynes enter a killer robot competition, but Hal takes over their robot-building project and builds a dangerous robot complete with a bee cannon. Meanwhile, Lois visits Francis at the military academy.
"Smunday": Francis calls home and recruits his brothers to keep Lois (who has been sick with the flu for days) from finding an incriminating letter, but when the boys discover that they were grounded because Francis ratted them out, he sends his lowlife pals over to guard them. Meanwhile, Hal visits a Porsche dealership to test-drive the car of his dreams.
"Water Park": The family goes to a water park, except for Dewey, who is left home alone with a babysitter (played by Bea Arthur from The Golden Girls and Maude) and ends up wandering away from home after the babysitter dies from a heart attack.
"Traffic Jam": After getting banned from the water park for their antics from the previous episode, Malcolm's family gets stuck in a traffic jam caused by a car wreck right in front of them on their way home. Meanwhile, Dewey continues his adventure away from home and Francis bets his fellow cadets that he can eat 100 Candy Quacks (a Bland-Name Product version of Peeps).
"Halloween Approximately": When Francis comes home for a post-Halloween visit, he helps his brothers get back into the spirit by building a giant slingshot on the roof of their house to terrorize the neighborhood, but are defeated when Krelboynes turn the tables on them. Meanwhile, Hal and Lois track down a joyrider in a blue 1969 Chevrolet Yenko Camaro who won't stop speeding down their street.
"Lois' Birthday": Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey are given money to buy birthday presents for Lois, but blow it all on candy, prompting Lois to give up and run away to a batting cage. Meanwhile, Francis takes an African woman on a tour of America.
"Dinner Out": The family has a dinner date with the Kenarbans (Stevie's family), only to end up acting worse than they ever could. Meanwhile, Marlin Academy is overrun by horny, destructive local girls.
"Casino Vacation": Malcolm and his family vacation at a casino on an Indian reservation, where Hal is banned after using Malcolm's number skills to count cards, he Malcolm, and Reese, end up lost on an artillery range, and Dewey and Lois spend the day together after Lois wins a spa package. Meanwhile, Francis ditches school again and comes home, only to realize how boring it is when he's the only one there — until Craig (Lois's nerdy assistant manager) comes over uninvited as well.
"Convention": Hal and Lois go out of town to a convention, where Hal keeps picking fights with a coworker who stole an idea he had. Back at home, the boys compete for the attention of a sexy babysitter who used to be an obese nerd.
"Robbery": Lois and Craig get caught up in a robbery at the Lucky Aide, where Craig finally admits his feelings for Lois. Meanwhile, Hal brings home an old armoire to give Lois as an anniversary gift, but it turns out to be full of bats, and Francis tries to cheer up a depressed cadet who was recently dumped.
"Therapy": Malcolm fakes an emotional breakdown in order to get out of the Krelboyne class' Medieval Week. Meanwhile, Hal and Lois clean out a packed closet and find that it is actually a second bathroom (which they keep for themselves so they don't have to share with their sons), Dewey reveals a hidden talent for table skittles, and Francis turns his stint at laundry duty into an underground business.
"High School Play": Malcolm gets a role in a high school play and starts blowing off his friends to spend more time with his new high school friends. Meanwhile, Hal and Dewey create a LEGO city.
"Bully": After being beaten by a girl in a wrestling match, Reese relinquishes his role as the school bully, which allows people to start picking on Malcolm. Meanwhile, Francis tries to come home from military school for his birthday to avoid a brutal birthday hazing ritual of having his whole body shaved.
"Old Mrs. Old": Malcolm must help an old woman (Florence Stanley; an American film, stage, and TV actress best known for her work on My Two Dads, Night Court, and Dinosaursnote she was the voice of Fran's mother, Ethyl, who rides around in a wheelchair and insults her son-in-law Earl) in the neighborhood with whatever she wants of him because he broke her arm. Meanwhile, Dewey uses Lois' purse as a schoolbag, and Francis fears for his hoodlum friend, Richie's, life after he is sent to military school and becomes Commandant Spangler's best friend.
"Krelboyne Girl": A girl genius enrolling in the Krelboyne class fills Malcolm with love and hate.
"New Neighbors": Malcolm's family tries to befriend a family that just moved in (in order to keep the other neighbors from warning them about Malcolm's family being a bunch of deranged savages), and the two families soon hate each other (except the father, who quickly becomes best friends with Hal). Meanwhile, Francis must deal with a drunk Commandant Spangler before an anticipated visit from Oliver North.
"Hal Quits": Hal quits his job after a disastrous career day at Dewey's school, and spends his free time to a huge painting in a garage. Meanwhile, Francis reluctantly works at the Lucky Aide over spring break when they need extra people to take inventory, and Malcolm questions his future profession after an aptitude test reveals that he's qualified to do any job in the world.
"The Grandparents": Lois' parents Victor and Ida come for a visit and drive the family crazy. Meanwhile, Francis takes his cadet friends to Mardi Gras, and everyone has fun (except for Francis, who's sick in bed from bad sushi).
"Traffic Ticket": Lois is cited for reckless driving, and arrested due to several outstanding parking tickets earned by Francis, but when Lois finds security camera footage proving that the reckless driving charge was legitimate, Lois has a meltdown over being wrong for the first time ever.
"Surgery": Malcolm is hospitalized with side pains and is diagnosed with appendicitis, but Malcolm soon discovers that the diagnosis was wrong. Meanwhile, the rest of the family becomes obsessed with a Risk-style board game, and Francis and the cadets go on a hunger strike when Commandant Spangler revokes their TV privileges.
"Reese Cooks": Reese discovers his talent for cooking when he is forced to take a culinary class as punishment for a prank. Meanwhile, Francis keeps blowing off his share of a major school project that his friend Eric is also half-responsible for, and Cynthia organizes a "Be My Friend" party for everyone at the school, but Malcolm is worried that she's setting herself up disappointment and tries to stop her.
"Tutoring Reese": Malcolm tutors Reese to improve his lousy grades, but soon discovers that Reese's teacher is out to get him. Meanwhile, Francis leaves the family and lives in the basement of his friend Richie's house after Lois throws him out for not re-shingling the roof.
"Bowling": In this Sliding Doors-style story, the viewer simultaneously sees what happens when the boys go bowling with Hal and what happens when they go bowling with Lois.
"Malcolm vs. Reese": Francis bribes Malcolm and Reese with just one extra ticket to a wrestling match, forcing them to humiliate themselves and do all his chores, trying to outdo each other for the one ticket. Meanwhile, Dewey is hired to watch Craig's cat for the weekend, but he loses the cat and his parents make things worse.
"Mini-Bike": The boys buy a used mini-bike and fix it up, only to have Lois confiscate it (as she has a rule against motorcycles and motorcycle-like bicycles), but Reese takes it back and ends up breaking his leg.
"Carnival": Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey sneak out to a carnival.
"Evacuation": Hal and Dewey accidentally drop an old couch on the railroad tracks while driving it to the dump, and the town ends up being evacuated after a train containing toxic waste derails. While Hal tries to make it up to society, Malcolm was a minute late going home from school, and gets grounded even while they are staying overnight in the school gym, forced to stay on the bed. Dewey convinces other people that he is an "orphan" in order to get what he wants, and Reese starts running a black market when he realizes that everyone there is in need of basic supplies.
"Flashback": While Hal worries and argues with Lois over the possibility of her being pregnant again since she is two weeks late with her period, the two look back at the memories of their children's births, all of which were plagued with disaster (from Francis being born during their wedding to Dewey being born in the backyard after Malcolm's chemistry set accident makes the house uninhabitable).
"Houseboat": Malcolm's family and the Kenarbans vacation together on a houseboat, where Reese and Stevie heed the siren call of some cheerleading camp girls gone wild, Malcolm tries to make it up to his father after nearly getting him branded a sex offender, and Lois endures Kitty and Abe's arguing. Meanwhile, Francis' friend, Eric drops out of the military academy to take on a logging job in Alaska and Francis gets himself emancipated so he can join him.
"Emancipation": Francis comes home a final time before heading out to join Eric in Alaska, but Lois wants nothing to do with him since he quit school. Meanwhile, Malcolm's new teacher (Chris Eigeman), a former Krelboyne student, sets up a new new ranking system, causing the students to suffer a breakdown and increased paranoia.
"Book Club": Lois attempts to escape the boys' nightly misbehavior by joining a women's book club, but she soon realizes that it's merely an excuse for the women to socialize—and to plot against a wealthy PTA mom who seems to handle her children and all other motherly duties with ease. Meanwhile, Hal struggles to keep the boys in order, and Francis hitches a ride with a trucker who makes him humiliate himself in exchange for the ride.
"Malcolm's Girlfriend": After getting a girlfriend (whose face is never shown on camera), Malcolm neglects his family and friends; the family reacts when they find out about her. Meanwhile, Dewey uses his new friend's wealth to get the birthday party he's always wanted, and Francis is jailed during his trek to Alaska, but quickly starts to enjoy his time as he watches the guards' complicated lives unfold as a soap opera.
"Charity": When Lois forces the boys into community service to build character (and get them to do something with their lives besides fighting, watching TV, and fighting while watching TV), they choose to help out at a church, where they quickly go from trading their own stuff to stealing merchandise and creating a black market. Meanwhile, Francis finally reaches Alaska, only to learn that his new job isn't the easy money-making opportunity he thought.
"Health Scare": When news hits that Hal may have a serious illness (most likely cancer), Lois becomes meaner than usual. Meanwhile, Francis has a showdown with combative Lavernia in Alaska, and Dewey becomes overzealous in taking care of his class's pet hamster.
"Christmas": As the boys ruin Christmas every year, the most recent being a tree ornament war, Lois finally issues an ultimatum: either the boys behave or Christmas is cancelled. Meanwhile, Francis spends Christmas with the evil Ida — and finds her stash of long-withheld presents.
"Poker": Hal finally gets an invitation to Abe's poker game, where Hal feels left out because he's the only amateur player (and Comically Missing the Point that he's the only white guy in a group of black men). Malcolm clashes with Stevie for filming him in a homework assignment, and Francis and his friends are trapped in an Alaskan blizzard fending off cabin fever.
"Reese's Job": Reese gets a job at a burger joint, but ends up fired when he gets accused of stealing money. Meanwhile, Dewey tries to prove himself trustworthy with a goldfish and his parents try to sabotage his efforts, Malcolm finds himself eclipsed by the newest, youngest Krelboyne, and Francis helps one of his lodge friends prepare to marry a Russian mail-order bride.
"Lois' Makeover": Lois gets dolled up after her performance review has negative comments about her looks. Meanwhile, Hal is re-energized after beating the boys at basketball, and a rat infestation gives Francis a new job.
"Company Picnic": Two-part episode. The family attends Hal's company picnic, where Hal tries to avoid his new boss because of his bleak history of first impressions and Malcolm sees an old crush. Francis finds himself caught up in an ice hockey match between the loggers and a female oil-rig crew and bets against the loggers, knowing that if he wins the money he can pay off his debts to Lavernia and leave his Alaskan hellhole.
"Reese Drives": Reese gets his learner's permit, but after a poor student named Jackie makes him miss his turn for a driving test, he steals the driver's ed car and ends up in a chase with the cops. Meanwhile, Malcolm helps Craig set up his new entertainment system, and Francis makes several promises to different lodgers in order to fix a hole in the lodge's roof, but when he can't deliver, the angry lodgers come after him.
"Cynthia's Back": Cynthia from "Krelboyne Girl" returns from living in Europe, surly, mean, and fraught with D-Cup Distress (with Malcolm trying to keep Reese from taking advantage of her). Meanwhile, Francis finds a totem pole and goes on a journey for the meaning of life, while Dewey helps Hal with his fear of kites.
"Hal's Birthday": Lois arranges for Francis to come home on Hal's birthday as a surprise, but the real surprise is on everyone else when Francis arrives—with a wife, Piama, and the boys run away to a hotel.
"Hal Coaches": Hal decides to coach Dewey's soccer team and turns them into monsters. Meanwhile, when Malcolm and Reese get a computer from their neighbor Ed, they discover his big secret and Reese blackmails him into doing things for him.
"Dewey's Dog": Dewey finds a dog and uses him to gain the upper hand over Malcolm and Reese. Meanwhile, Hal and Lois both are sick while out eating dinner, but neither will admit it, and Francis comes face-to-face with Commandant Spangler.
"Poker 2": Hal, Abe, and their friends play extremely well in poker but start to compete over minor issues. Meanwhile, Reese sets Malcolm and Stevie up with two popular girls (Dana Davis and Lindsey Haun), telling them that Stevie is terminally ill; Malcolm discovers that one of the girls has an automatic handgun and tries to hide it from her, with unintentional results.
"Clip Show": Believing the boys ruined the car, Hal forces them to see a psychiatrist (Andy Richter) to cure their bad behavior. Soon the three open up and tell him all about their family (shown as clips from past episodes).
"Jury Duty": Francis gets trapped with the other guys in an ice-fishing shed with a bear outside; Lois is put on jury duty; Hal thinks Lois' jury is put on a high-level murder case; Malcolm and Reese spend a day exploring a sewer with Dewey and Stevie.
"Cliques": After a chemical mishap, the Krelboynes are forced to join the general school populations, and they all find new groups except Malcolm whom gets concerned about a fight between cliques. Meanwhile, Piama is using the money she and Francis have been making from the casino business to go shopping instead of saving it up to pay off Lavernia.
"Monkey": Craig is laid up by injuries, thanks to being chased into traffic by Dewey's dog, and spends his insurance money on Oliver, a capuchin monkey "butler"—who is actually deranged and gives Craig a hard time.
"Zoo": The family goes to the zoo, where Reese battles a goat and a depressed Malcolm and Dewey end up in a tiger pit. Meanwhile, Francis and Piama's road trip across America (continued from last season's finale where Francis is let go from his job with Lavernia and decides to hit the road with his wife) results in them meeting a German couple named Otto and Gretchen who offer Francis a job at their dude ranch.
"Humilithon": Malcolm's first day of high school gets off to a bad start when Lois embarrasses him in front of the entire school, causing him to have no actual friends except the Krelboynes. Meanwhile, with Malcolm and Reese away, Dewey stays home alone for the first time in his life (but only for 15 minutes), and has a wonderful time. On the ranch, Francis takes some side-jobs on to earn more money.
"Family Reunion": The family goes to Hal's family reunion for his father's birthday, and Hal's family makes Lois miserable because she's not from a rich family.
"Stupid Girl": Malcolm pretends to be stupid so he can win over a cute girl. Meanwhile, Hal rents a steamroller and becomes addicted to running over various objects until Dewey snaps him out of it.
"Forwards Backwards": A series of flashbacks show how Malcolm's birthday was ruined thanks to a prank war with Reese. Meanwhile, Dewey worries about his role as Abraham Lincoln in the school play, and Francis and Otto try to capture a "devil cow."
"Forbidden Girlfriend": Malcolm starts to date Nikki (Reagan Dale Neis), a girl from his school that he tutors in his free time. The only problem is her dad, a Vietnam veteran, who dislikes him. Meanwhile, Dewey discovers he has a doppelganger who acts good, and at the ranch, Otto is furious with the other ranchers who keep destroying the fence that Francis is building to keep the cattle inside.
"Malcolm Holds His Tongue": Malcolm decides to keep his opinions to himself — and soon becomes violently ill. Meanwhile, Reese's date is ruined when Craig comes along, and Hal does battle with a speed walker.
"Boys at Ranch": Hal and the boys visit Francis at the ranch.
"Grandma Sues": Lois' grandmother, Ida, sues the family over a minor injury she incurred (slipping on a leaf) — and things get worse when Lois finds out that she's pregnant again.
"If Boys Were Girls": During a hellish trip to the mall with Hal and the boys, Lois imagines what her life would be like if Malcolm, Dewey, Reese, and Francis were daughters.
"Long Drive": Malcolm is forced on a long road trip with his mother, who uses the time in the car to give him a lengthy talk about sex and relationships that Malcolm was never taught in school. Meanwhile, Reese is put into the "Scared Straight" program where he mocks an inmate, Dewey breaks apart Hal's a cappella group, and Francis accidentally kills Otto's favorite cow.
"Kicked Out": A combination of Malcolm's disgust at the house falling apart around them, and Hal's fear-induced "zero tolerance" attempts at maintaining peace and order in the family, results in Malcolm being kicked out of the house. Meanwhile, Francis contends with Otto's nephew's piano playing, and Reese attaches a fire hose to his back for more speed on his bike.
"Stereo Store": In the first episode directed by Bryan Cranston, Hal gets a job at a stereo store, where he feels left out because of the teenage coworkers. Meanwhile, a freaky girl named Jessica (played by Hayden Panettiere) is hired to babysit the boys.
"Hal's Friend": Hal's old friend from high school, Larry (played by Joel Murraynote brother of Bill Murray and Brian Doyle-Murray; was the voice of Darryl's next-door neighbor, Carl, on the short-lived animated adaptation of Baby Blues) comes over and ropes Hal into plotting revenge against their old boss from their first job at a pizzeria. Meanwhile, Malcolm and Stevie try to cut the umbilical cord between Dabney and his overprotective mother by taking him to a paintball arena to test out the new paintball gun he got for his birthday.
"Garage Sale": Home from a visit with her sister Susan who had called her "hopeless," Lois puts Reese in charge of the family garage sale. Meanwhile, Hal finds his old pirate radio transmitter and restarts the station he ran in college under the pseudonym Kid Charlemagne.
"Academic Octathalon": Mr. Herkabe forces Malcolm to join the academic octathlon team in an expensive hotel, where he encourages them to cheat. Meanwhile, Dewey alienates Hal after making an offhand comment about being too big to get piggybacked to bed, and Reese does everything he can to get out of going to a dance with his girlfriend.
"Clip Show II": In the second clip show (and the only one where none of the kid actors appear, except for in flashbacks), Hal and Lois think back to all the hell their sons have caused while penning their last will and testament.
"Reese's Party": Reese decides to throw a party while Lois and Hal take a weekend break for their anniversary — which ends with Francis' gang of hoodlum friends turning the garage into a crystal meth lab.
"Future Malcolm": Malcolm befriends a surly, intellectual man (played by Jason Alexander of Seinfeld and Duckman fame) who may or may not be Malcolm's future self. Meanwhile, Piama gets a job as a nude model for an art class, and Francis joins in on it for the money.
"Baby": In this two-part episode, a heavily pregnant Lois tries to scare off her mother by using Hal's black best friends, but ends up in labor — with only Francis and his wife to help her. Meanwhile, Hal takes the boys to a bridal exposition, where their latest screw-ups land Hal in the hospital.
"Day Care": Malcolm's family pretends to be church-going Christians so they can take advantage of the church's daycare center. While there, Reese gets into Christianity, Dewey makes some valid points about people who believe in God too intently, and Malcolm refuses to take part of it. Meanwhile, Francis cashes in on UFO sightings by reporting an alien sighting on Otto's ranch.
"Vegas": While Francis is trapped with Otto in a well he was supposed to fix, a fire erupts in the barn. Meanwhile, the family travels to Las Vegas, where Reese and Dewey enter an obese rabbit in a 4H competition, Hal is convinced he has had a prophetic dream about winning at a slot machine, and Lois goes backstage with her favorite singer, which Malcolm reluctantly set up for her.
"Watching The Baby": While Lois finally gets some much-needed rest, Hal goes to the Lucky Aide to get diapers (only to end up working for Craig to pay for them), Malcolm, Reese, and Stevie are used by three high school girls who want to get back at their boyfriends, and Dewey tells Jamie a story based on his warped views of his family.
"Goodbye Kitty": Stevie mom abandons the family so she can live life, leaving Stevie an emotionally-wrecked vegetable. Meanwhile, Reese is engrossed with the diary of a sassy high school girl (who turns out to be Lois) and Francis and Otto try to put down a horse with a deadly infection.
"Thanksgiving": Malcolm ditches Thanksgiving dinner so he can get drunk with a girl who may or may not like him. Meanwhile, Reese's culinary talents and monomania rule the kitchen, and Lois tries to help Piama and Francis with their marital problems.
"Malcolm Films Reese": Malcolm is tricked into filming Reese for a high school class. Meanwhile, Lois worries over her broken washing machine, and Dewey drops out of school and becomes a street performer.
"Malcolm's Job": Lois makes Malcolm and Reese to get a job. While Reese finds a job at the local slaughterhouse, Malcolm is forced to work with Lois at the Lucky Aide. Meanwhile, Hal takes a nursing class ran by Polly to spend more time with Jamie, but he and the other dads soon start betting on their babies, and Dewey runs away to live with Francis.
"Christmas Trees": Hal (who was laid off for the holidays) ropes Malcolm, Reese, and Dewey into selling Christmas trees to get money for presents. Meanwhile, Craig thinks Lois and her family are bad luck, and Francis finds that there's no escaping your family when Otto's family comes over and begins arguing like his family.
"Block Party": Malcolm's family discovers that the neighborhood holds a block party every year to celebrate not having to deal with them. Meanwhile, Francis finds himself assigned to breeding cows, the most disgusting job at the ranch.
"Dirty Magazine": Kurtwood Smith (Red Forman from That '70s Show) and Lori Beth Denbergnote credited as "L.B. Denberg (from the original cast of All That) guest star on this episode that has Malcolm's principal put a moratorium on all extracurricular activities after the school literary magazine publishes a story that contains vulgar language and sexual content.
"Hot Tub": Hal buys a hot tub without telling Lois, but it turns into a swamp when he neglects to clean it. Meanwhile, Malcolm finally gets his learner's permit, and gets mixed up in a fight between Polly and her ex-boyfriend, Reese steals Dewey's new friend Noah, and Gretchen's former fiance, and Otto's former best friend, Manfred Schmidt, visits the ranch.
"Ida's Boyfriend": Ida begins dating a Chinese man, which intensely confuses the family and makes them suspect that she has an ulterior motive. Meanwhile, Malcolm tries to hide a tongue piercing, and Dewey pretends that Reese doesn't exist.
"Softball": Malcolm joins the Lucky Aide softball team to get away from Lois's wrath on the job, only to discover that Lois is the team's new coach. Meanwhile, Francis drives cross-country on his pick-up truck back to the house (missing his anniversary with Piama) and scopes trough his past to prove to Lois that he is not lazy, while Dewey dares Reese to outdo one of Francis' old stunts (collecting the biggest number of toilet seats in a yard full of wild dogs with a ham in his pocket).
"Lois' Sister": Laurie Metcalf (Jackie from Roseanne) guest stars as Lois' sister who showers the family with gifts after learning that she needs a kidney transplant. Meanwhile, Francis acts as a Girl Scout troop leader, only to learn that Girl Scouts are evil.
"Malcolm Dates a Family": Lois boycotts the family's favorite pizzeria after learning that the family has been screwed out of a lot of money from tips. Meanwhile, Malcolm gets more involved with his new girlfriend's intellectual family than with her.
"Malcolm Visits College": Malcolm looks forward to visiting college — until Lois comes along (after finding out the dorms are co-ed) and they meet the power-hungry dorm head, Leland. Meanwhile, Dewey cobbles a piano out of trash, Reese falls for a new girl in school who turns out to be a narc, and Francis runs a daycare center at the ranch for weary parents who need a break from their children.
"Polly in the Middle": Polly the babysitter is caught in a love triangle between Abe and Craig after, unknowingly to each other, Lois sets date with Polly for Craig, and Hal sets her for Abe, which gets complicated as she doesn't know who to pick as he enjoys with both of the men.
"Dewey's Special Class": Scared that Dewey will become a social outcast by being put in the Krelboyne class, Malcolm coaches Dewey on failing his I.Q. test, which puts Dewey in a class for mentally-retarded and socially awkward children. Meanwhile, Reese tries to figure out what kind of genius he is, and Hal and Craig compete in a Dance-Dance Revolution-style video game contest.
"Experiment": Stevie and Malcolm try to figure out how Reese managed to separate two bases for an enzyme for a medical experiment when he refuses to tell them. Meanwhile, Dewey sells chocolate bars by fibbing (with Francis' help), and Francis teaches assertiveness to a runt pig.
"Victor's Other Family": Lois, Reese, Jamie and Malcolm go to Canada to meet her father's secret family. Meanwhile, Hal participates in a fun run with Dewey.
"Reese Joins The Army": In another two-part episode, Reese enlists in the U.S. Army after finding his girlfriend with Malcolm, while Hal's Enron-esque company goes under, and Hal is put under house arrest until the trial.
"Reese Comes Home": Dewey and Malcolm worry that Reese may be dead, and seek to repent their evil ways. Meanwhile, Reese is alive in Afghanistan — but panics, deserts the Army, and ends up as the unwilling bride to a Afghan man, and Lois travels to Kabul to get her son home.
"Buseys Run Away": After Dewey is reclassified as sane and taken out of the Busey class, the other kids run away and hide in the trees near his house, forcing Dewey to look after them. Meanwhile, Hal (now unemployed) becomes a god among a gaggle of dimwitted male bodybuilders.
"Standee": Lois gets her job back at Lucky Aide (albeit on probation), and fights against Malcolm over a malt liquor standee featuring a goofy black janitor named Slappy. Meanwhile, Hal wages a trash-dumping war with his favorite garbageman after refusing to pick up a large scratching post for cats.
"Pearl Harbor": Jessica returns to wreak havoc on Malcolm's family. This time, she tricks Malcolm and Reese into thinking both of them are homosexual. Meanwhile, Hal competes with his neighbors over lawn decorations, and Dewey does a report on Hal being his hero.
"Kitty's Back": Stevie's mother returns after months of debauchery, and Lois calls her out on abandoning her son and husband. Meanwhile, Malcolm helps Stevie record his acceptance speech and edit it to make it sound like Stevie is speaking normally, and Reese gets an all-over sunburn so her can peel off every inch of his skin.
"Hal's Christmas Gift": Hal and Lois are strapped for cash as Christmas approaches, so Hal instates a "homemade gift" Christmas. Meanwhile, Malcolm feels excluded when his brothers do fun stuff.
"Hal Sleepwalks": Hal gets so stressed out over finding a 20th anniversary present for Lois that he starts losing sleep, which prompts Reese to try and brainwash his semiconscious father late at night for ridiculous things.
"Lois Battles Jamie": Lois begins to think she is losing her touch in discipling Jamie — until she remembers that she had the same problem with Francis when he was a child. Meanwhile, Malcolm, Dewey, and Reese try to find something to do with a discarded diving board.
"Malcolm's Car": Malcolm uses money he got from underground horse betting to buy a decrepit car that begins to take over his life. Meanwhile, Hal reveals a knack for styling women's hair and Lois discovers that her boss's wife is cheating on his with Craig.
"Billboard": Malcolm, Reese, and Dewey sneak out to vandalize a billboard advertising a new strip club, but when Lois catches them, the trio turns it into a protest for women's rights.
"Opera": Dewey uses Hal and Lois's arguments over a new mattress as material for an opera. Meanwhile, Malcolm and Reese build their own street luge board and Malcolm gets into a feud with a mystery rider who keeps forcing him off the road.
"Living Will": Hal is put on the line when a neighbor he hardly knows gives him power of attorney in his living will. Meanwhile, Craig asks Malcolm, Reese, and Dewey to teach him how to fight dirty against a childhood bully (Craig's father).
"Tiki Lounge": When Hal and Lois realize how little time they spend together, Hal turns the garage into a private tiki lounge where he and Lois can retreat, but things go south when Hal discovers that Lois doesn't believe in the idea of an afterlife. Meanwhile, Mr. Herkabe cons Malcolm into joining the Booster Club, where he learns a lesson about taking one for the team.
"Ida Loses a Leg": Ida saves Dewey from getting hit by a truck — and ends up losing her leg. Meanwhile, Malcolm and Reese get a new idea for a prank that forces them to stay awake for days on end.
"Chad's Sleepover": After Hal forbids Dewey from inviting his peculiar classmate Chad over for a sleepover, Dewey asks Lois instead. Meanwhile, Malcolm and Reese find out that they are not as popular as they once thought.
"No Motorcycles": Hal makes good on a promise he made to Francis (a motorcycle ride on his 21st birthday, despite motorcycles being one of Lois' many berserk buttons). Meanwhile Malcolm, Dewey, and Reese are held captive in their own home by a bully.
"Butterflies": Malcolm tries to keep an old man living at the Lucky Aide from being discovered by the other workers. Meanwhile, Reese rescues caterpillars from his job as an exterminator.
"Ida's Dance": Ida ropes Lois into performing a traditional dance from her native country. Meanwhile, Reese and Hal secretly watch scary movies while Lois is not around, and Dewey teaches Malcolm how to appreciate music.
"Motivational Speaker": Hal takes over for a motivational speaker during a seminar. Meanwhile, Reese begins hanging out with a pack of dogs who think of him as their new alpha leader, and Dewey "cheats" on Lois with another mom.
"Stilts": Malcolm is reduced to taking an embarrassing job dressing as Uncle Sam at the Lucky Aide. Meanwhile, Hal tries to cover up an $800 bill for phone sex (caused by Hal not hanging up on the operator), and Reese gets a job as a guinea pig for various prescription pills.
"Buseys Take a Hostage": Dewey's class cause a hostage situation while trying to prove that they can do anything without Dewey's help. Meanwhile, Malcolm urges Hal to be president of the block association (a position he easily gets as no one cares about the block association).
"Mrs. Tri-County": The boys enter Lois in a local beauty contest as a joke, but the joke's on them when she competes — and things get worse when Malcolm is forced to be Mr. Herkabe's assistant and Reese discovers that his adolescent good looks are similar to that of a middle-aged woman.
"Burning Man": Malcolm and Reese's attempt to hitchhike to Burning Man turns into a family vacation.
"Health Insurance": Hal finds a check he was supposed to mail to the insurance company and tries to safeguard the house until the insurance can be reinstated. Meanwhile, Lois tries to sniff out an anti-union snitch.
"Reese vs. Stevie": Reese handicaps himself so he can fight Stevie. Meanwhile, Hal catches Dewey smoking cigarettes and the two decide to beat their respective addictions to nicotine and coffee, while Lois tries to get Jamie to talk by endlessly blabbing about her day and her past insecurities.
"Halloween": Hal freaks out when Malcolm gives him the details of a grisly mass murder that occurred in the house years ago. Meanwhile, Lois gets stuck working on Halloween and catches a shoplifter as everyone else at Lucky Aide throws a wild party, and Reese and Dewey lose track of Jamie as they flee from an old man after egging his house.
"Jessica Stays Over": Jessica once again comes over to make Malcolm's life a living hell. Meanwhile, after he harvests some fresh honey, Hal fights back against a bee who is out for revenge for killing the rest of his hive, and Reese attempts to mail himself to China after his Chinese pen pal refused to give him fireworks.
"Secret Boyfriend": Malcolm begins dating a secretly brainy girl who has to hide her intellectualism in order to keep her popularity. Meanwhile, Hal argues with a mini-golf manager (played by Harold Sylvesternote Al Bundy's black friend, Griff, on Married... with Children) over denying Dewey a free game.
"Blackout": Similar to the season 12 Simpsons episode "Trilogy of Errors," viewers get to see, from three different prespectives, the aftermath of a power outage at Malcolm's house during Hal and Lois' wedding anniversary.
"Army Buddy": Larisa Oleynik (from The Secret World of Alex Mack) guest stars as Reese's old friend from the Army, who returns to tell him that she has feelings for someone close to her.
"Malcolm Defends Reese": Malcolm tries to save Reese from humiliation from Mr. Herkabe. Meanwhile, Jamie's new babysitter drives Lois crazy with her nonstop talking.
"Malcolm's Money" While Malcolm contends with a surly yearbook photographer, Lois, Hal, and Dewey hide a $10,000 grant check from Malcolm, as they need the money more than he does.
"Bride of Ida": Ida comes over to babysit Malcolm and Reese, and brings along Raduca, an obedient girl from her home country as the prize in a contest where the winner gets to marry her. Meanwhile, Dewey, Lois, and Hal get stuck at the airport while trying to fly out to a piano competition.
"College Recruiters": Hal begins treating Malcolm's college recruiters as suitors, while Dewey tells Francis that being unemployed is no kind of life for a man, and Reese studies for Raduca's green card test, and is oblivious to Raduca cheating on him with a man she claims is her brother.
"Mono": Malcolm and Lois are forced to stay in one room after the two of them get mononucleosis. Meanwhile, Hal gets invited to all of the neighbors' parties (who want to get to know him now that his shrew wife isn't there), and Dewey uses Jamie as his personal slave.
"Hal Grieves": In this, the only episode directed by Christopher Kennedy Masterson (the actor who plays Francis on the shownote and is the brother of Danny Masterson, who plays Hyde, on That '70s Show), Hal's father dies, but rather than grieve over his death, he smothers the boys with affection and becomes a fun parent so that way, they'll miss him when he's gone. Meanwhile, Abe (Hal's Black Best Friend) tries to get Leonard Nimoy to appear and cheer up Hal, but settles for George Takei.
"A.A.": Hal and Lois are invited to Francis's one-year anniversary of being a recovering alcoholic, only to find that he lied about being a drunk in order to bitch about his problems with Lois to other people. Meanwhile, Dewey finds the spare key to Hal's car, but when Malcolm and Reese refuse to drive him to the arcade, it takes them more than 12 steps to find it – in his stomach.
"Lois Strikes Back": When four popular high school girls (one of which is played by Emma Stone) play an evil prank on Reese by pretending he has a secret admirer and then dropping a pig off at his front door, he falls into a huge depression, prompting Lois to fight back with a string of equally destructive pranks after the principal does nothing to punish the girls.
"Hal's Dentist": Hal's friend Trey tells him to come to his dental office when he loses a tooth during a poker game, but their friendship goes into jeopardy when Hal's faced with a $2,000 bill and causes a fight between them. Meanwhile, Reese teaches Lois how to ride a bike (who can't ride due to her father's abusive methods he taught her as a kid), and Malcolm and Dewey find sleeping as their new favorite pastime after finding a mattress in the street that's actually comfortable.
"Bomb Shelter": Malcolm joins a local dance class to meet a cute girl, but after discovering she is a poor dancer, he realizes that he must accept Danielle, the unattractive, but most talented partner in order to win the competition. Meanwhile, Reese and Dewey find a bomb shelter in the backyard, and Lois participates in a "hands-on-a-truck" endurance contest.
"Stevie in the Hospital": When Stevie goes to the hospital, Malcolm tries making up every excuse he can think of to not go because he can't face the truth about his illness. Meanwhile, Hal gets highly competitive about his new remote control boat, Lois thinks Dewey is trying to drive her insane, and Reese gets a job in telemarketing.
"Cattle Court": Former figure skater Tara Lipinski guest stars as a cute vegetarian who has her eye on Reese, so Reese gives up eating meat to impress her. Meanwhile, Malcolm fools Craig into attending a rock concert, but leads him into going on a trip around the country via motorcycle.
"Morp": The social outcasts of Malcolm's school hold a "backwards prom" (or "morp") to contend with the pretty, popular kids. Meanwhile, Reese becomes the prom date to an Asian girl named Janine, and Dewey leads Hal and Lois on a scavenger hunt after discovering that there are no baby pictures of him.
"Graduation": In the Series Finale, Malcolm struggles with his valedictorian speech — and discovers a horrible secret as to why his family has made him miserable all these years. Meanwhile, Hal tries to find a way to raise the final $5000 needed for Malcolm's education, Reese moves out, and Francis tries to keep his new steady job a secret from Lois.