"I Can Hear Nessie's Song"note
, with the English title "50 Ways to Leave Your 50-Foot Lover"
. Released in 2003 by Geneon on Volume 2: Love Heist
On the foggy shores of Loch Ness, Fujiko rides a horse while singing a traditional tune. Suddenly, the legendary monster of the lake appears before her. Stunned, she stops singing, and Nessie disappears just as quickly.
Meanwhile, in Nice, France, Lupin is pining over the missing Fujiko, in spite of the bevy of beauties around him and Jigen and Goemon's usual concerns about her. When the depressed thief spies an article about Fujiko in Jigen's paper, he's all too eager to drag Jigen to Scotland with him. And with them comes the ever persistent Inspector Zenigata. When the passengers on the gang's plane disembark, Zenigata waits for them; it doesn't occur to him until after everyone disembarks that Lupin is up to his usual tricks. He tries to corner Lupin and Jigen, disguised as the pilot and co-pilot and even manages to cuff them, but when he turns his back to call for help, they flee.
At Loch Ness, Lupin and Jigen head out on the lake to search for Fujiko. Fortunately, they quickly find her. Unfortunately, she's being pursued by mysterious men in a power boat. The men grab her, telling her they want her voice. Lupin tries to follow in his rowboat, but the powerboat's wake knocks him and Jigen away and overboard, leaving them to watch helplessly as Fujiko is kidnapped. She is taken to the men's hideout, an abandoned Scottish castle, where she's shown something amazing...
Meanwhile, Lupin and Jigen are at a local inn, recovering from their swim. Lupin managed to snap a picture of the leader, and quickly identifies him as Doctor Oz, a man obsessed with Nessie who disappeared thirty years earlier during his last known search. Sure enough, the evil doctor himself explains that by catching Nessie, he had a shot at some big money, but when he found the monster of legend, he instead lost his eye and leg to it. He plans to use Fujiko's singing to attract Nessie again, this time capturing the beast and displaying the defeated creature. Fujiko refuses to cooperate, even with threats of torture.
Just then, Oz's men inform him that they've found Lupin and Jigen's whereabouts. When Fujiko again refuses to sing, Oz orders his crew to take care of the thief and the gunman. Luckily for them, an assassin is quickly taken down by the freshly arrived Goemon. Fujiko gloats that Oz has been routed, but Oz quickly takes care of her smugness... by setting Nessie on her!
Meanwhile, the rest of the gang keep an eye out for more of Oz's thugs. Jigen uses night-vision goggles to spot some of them planting mines around the inn. He uses a radio device to find the electronic detonator's frequency for the mines, using it to set them off in the faces of the thugs. Meanwhile Lupin has managed to sit on a stray bear trap, which he removes from his posterior with Goemon's assistance.
The next day, Lupin and Jigen take to the lake while Goemon keeps watch from the shore. Although Goemon manages to stop Zenigata's attempt to tranquilize Lupin, he can only watch in horror as Nessie surfaces near his friends, and with an unconscious Fujiko in its massive jaws. Nessie swallows Fujiko and then goes after Lupin and Jigen, devouring the two of them as well! Lucky for all involved, this Nessie is a fake, a robot built by Oz in one of his attempts to attract the creature. Unfortunately, Lupin, Fujiko, and Jigen are now all prisoners of the mad doctor. Since it didn't work for its original purpose, he decides to sink fake robot Nessie with the gang inside. What the gang doesn't realize is that Oz plans to allow them to "escape" so they will think he's given up. The gang manages to make atop mecha-Nessie's head, where Lupin asks Fujiko to try singing to see if the real one can help them. Fujiko begins singing, and sure enough Nessie shows up. Oz springs his trap, freezing Nessie in a giant block of freezing solution and dumping the thieves in the lake.
In order to keep Nessie from thawing, Oz decides to transport her via the North Sea. The gang now reassembled follow him. Sneaking underwater, Goemon cuts a hole in the bottom of the ice and Fujiko places a tape recording of her singing. Hearing her favorite voice, Nessie reawakens and begins to thrash around, breaking the surrounding ice and cage apart and destroying Oz's boat. The doctor himself disappears among the wreckage of his ship, only his prosthetic leg floating to the surface. The gang watches Nessie head home in the sunset, Fujiko singing her one last traveling tune.
This episode features examples of:
- Abridged Series: The basis of one of the eight Lupin Abridged episodes.
- Absurdly Sharp Blade: Zantetsuken goes right through the barrel of an assassin's gun, the bottom of Nessie's cage, and the thick ice surrounding her.
- Animal Nemesis: Doctor Oz is essentially a Captain Ersatz of the original Ahab, seeking revenge on Nessie for the loss of his leg and eye.
- Bear Trap: Lupin finds one that the thugs set out. With his butt.
- Bound and Gagged: The pilot and co-pilot that Lupin and Jigen accost to steal their uniforms from.
- Damsel in Distress: Fujiko, at the hands of Doctor Oz for her alluring, Nessie-friendly voice.
- Engrish: The article that someone chose to accompany Fujiko's picture in the paper is about a singer. Unfortunately, it's about a singer given a suspended sentence for smoking pot.
- Feel No Pain: As Goemon removes the bear trap from Lupin's ass, he tells his friend to "transcend" the pain. Lupin ain't buying it.
- Genius Bonus: Fujiko's song. In Japanese, she's singing the traditional "Kokyou no Sora". In English, she sings a bawdy song covered under Getting Crap Past the Radar. But both songs are to the tune of "Comin' Through the Rye" — which is based on a Robbie Burns poem. Just the thing to attract a Scottish sea monster!
- Getting Crap Past the Radar: Fujiko's song, about a "beast with two backs", which charms Nessie.
Fujiko: Mother, Father, please believe me, every word is true...
I just glimpsed a beast with two backs through the foggy dew...
I fear it swallowed Jack and Suzie, for I heard them cry...
- Hook Hand: Played with; Doctor Oz has a hook leg, which he threatens Fujiko with.
- Improbable Aiming Skills: Played with. Alas, even the impressive Jigen can't shoot when Lupin is banging him over the head with an oar.
- Nails on a Blackboard: As part of his torture of Fujiko, Oz runs his hook down the stone wall, emitting a terrible screeching noise.
- Shout-Out: Goemon makes one to Get Smart with his line about "the old 'exploding-bear-trap-in-the-ass' trick."
- Tranquilizer Dart: An obsessed Zenigata tries to shoot Lupin with one. Goemon redirects it right back into Zenigata's forehead.