We start this Wham Episode with Kurt flanked by Burt and Carole, a showface clearly plastered on. We soon see why; we cut to Finn at his locker when the trio approaches. Seems that Burt has a routine of driving Carole to work; instead, he detoured to McKinley, snuck the both of them into the classroom where Kurt introduced them, and then proceeded to put a ring on it. Yes, Burt and Carole are engaged, talk about a whirlwind courtship. Kurt appears somewhat pleased, Finnegan, as you'd expect, less so. Kurt is more thrilled he can use his wedding mags more than anything, while Burt clamps down on the budget he's saving for the honeymoon. Finn remains stunned at yet another change in his life while Burt deempahsizes provisions in favor of appropriate music; this of course means New Directions is pressed into service as we are pressed into hitting the Title Card. Principal Tracksuit Towers. Sue is setting up what appear to be wedding invitations as we get context via a flashback to Sue's Corner. After a manifesto on the homeless, which we sadly only see the tail end of, we cut to Rod Remington and the revelation that he and his coanchor, you know, the one from Mash Up, the one Rod was on top of when Sue walked in? They're getting hitched, and Sue is less pleased. The coanchor, Andrea, rotates the blade by declaring that Sue will die alone. Cut to an attempt at online dating, and when it's revealed there was only one match, Sue takes this to it's illogical conclusion: Sue is "marrying" herself. Very rarely will we see her undiluted pure insanity, and this was obviously one of those times. Locker Room. We see Sam working out as Finn enters, Sam declaring his intention to be quarterback. Finn objects for obvious reasons, but Sam reveals that it's an effort to be popular, saying it protects him from humiliations. Finn, knowing better, points out the irrelevancy of being popular in regards to glee, before also pointing out that Sam can't even get Quinn to be with him; seems one dinner at Breadstix didn't do the trick. Maybe changing hair color would do it, I don't know. Anyway, cut to Quinn and Sam in the science lab, where he declares his love. Okay, Sam? The higher emotions aren't something Ms. Fabray is that accustomed to; the one time she nearly opened her heart, she screwed that up by opening certain appendages towards Puck. Again, maybe hair color has something to do with it or something. In any event, said declarations cause Quinn to scoff in disbelief before Sam drops to a knee and produces a promise ring, which is a step below a proper engagement ring. After the expected freakout, Sam states what will be his ill fated intent, but also declares his intent to always be there for her, not pressure her into sex and what have you. Quinn stands stunned, but can only muster a maybe. Cut to the hallway, where we see Kurt's wedding plans are continuing, actually having a cake topper in his locker. Finn approaches and questions the decision to release three hundred live doves inside? Kurt says that they'll feed them glitter so the resulting mess will be festive. No Kurt No. Finn then asks to do something special, something that'll remind everyone he's the leader. Right. Kurt suggests that after Finn proposes a Kurt-penned toast, lead Carole in a dance. Finn declines, reminding Kurt his dance moves are lacking in mostly everything. However, he then realizes that to pull it off would improve his cred, so he agrees. As he walks off, we are unfortunately reminded of the albatross around Kurt's neck, as Karofsky arrives for posturing, though this time ramping up the horror with a slight Slasher Smile, running his finger down Kurt's arm before stealing the cake topper in the process. As luck would have it, Will was nearby and approaches Kurt, who by this point is in tears at the implied threats. They head to Sue's office, where she points out she's helpless unless Karofsky does more than shoving, because to accuse him will lead to the expected denials. She then calls him "lady" and that sets him off, causing her to explains that she thought it was his name before allowing him to pick a new one out of "Gelfling", "Porcelain", or "Tickle-Me-Doughface". Kurt goes with "Porcelain" and thus gives Sue the nickname she'll use for the entire series. After the break we are in the choir room, where Rachel calls a meeting of the ND women minus Mercedes and Santana. She says that since they have boyfriends on the Titans (sorta in Quinn's case, apparently Mike rejoined and Brittany/Artie are "together"), that they can confront Karofsky and warn him to back off. Santana arrives complaining about not being asked to attend, only to be told that using Puck as a way to get off doesn't count as dating; that and he's still on probation. Rachel ends by saying if they sit idle as Kurt is abused, they'll never live with themselves. Cut to Sue's office where she dismisses her wedding planner after explaining that Sue herself will be officiating. Does save on budget. We then see the mother of the bride... Wait... Sue has a mother? She's human? She isn't a Terminator? Huh, the more you know. And much like Olivia Newton-John last season, we again have a legend Playing Against Type; in this case, one Carol Burnett. Sue, stunned, asks her mother why she's here. Turns out, in what will be revealed in the final season to be Blatant Lies used to cover her abandoning her kids, Doris Sylvester was a Nazi hunter and the last one got caught. This took three years, so Sue asks why Doris never contacted her and if she's seen Jean yet. Doris demurs, but does question why Sue's marrying herself. Sue simply replies with an invitation which Doris accepts, saying she's gonna sing. Cut to Rachel fuming that Finn, as you'd expect, is not gonna help the other ND men confront Karofsky, saying if he does, he'll pay for it on the field and Sam will remain quarterback. Finn, you're an idiot, and for once, Rachel actually sees that. Nice taste in men Berry. Ever thought about oh, not dating them? Cut to the locker room where Artie and Mike attempt to step up to Karofsky, only for the size difference to be asserted leading Mike to be thrown into Artie. Sam, lacking in height but making up for it in balls, takes him head on before Bieste arrives to break it up. Cut to the ND women handing out the ice packs, Puck lamenting not being able to help while everyone lambasts Finn for being a coward. Kurt, clearly submissive to his fate at this point, says it's not ND's problem before thanking Sam. Will arrives to get everyone to take their minds off Karofsky by rehearsing the wedding dance. Cut to the auditorium where Doris wants to rehearse her song, expecting Will to be there for some reason and criticizing Sue for not appreciating her. Thus, after summoning the omnipresent Ellis, a duet ensues, allowing Sue to get some of her frustrations out. Afterwards, we cut to Kurt conducting a seminar on dance for his soon to be brother and father, both of whom aren't really known for their smooth moves. However, because Kurt getting anything resembling a break is too much of a hassle, we see Karofsky arrive in the doorway; engorged with venom and triumph, he proceeds to go for broke by making the stereotypical "fey" hand gesture. Thing is, he apparently didn't see Burt when he did it; the sight of it causing Burt's Papa Wolf traits to stir. He asks for details, Kurt trying to demur, before revealing everything, including the death threat. As you'd expect, this punches Burt's Berserk Button, and he heads out to attack. Kurt reminds him of his iffy ticker, and that causes him to back off. We then cut to Sue's office, where we see the relevant parties, plus Karofsky's father Paul. Burt reveals the threats and Kurt confirms them, though he keeps mum on the noncon kiss due to his being aware of Karofsky's issues with his sexuality and thus won't out him. Paul, surprisingly reasonable, does admit that Karofsky's been acting out at home and his grades have been sliding, so why shouldn't they believe Kurt? Burt angrily reminds Sue that it's her job to protect her students. Sue agrees and Karofsky gets kicked, though Sue does offer the option to appeal with the school board. This will pay off later. We cut to Finn having issues with his tie. Santana arrives to help, only to reveal her need to stir shit up, saying that Sam is becoming the new golden boy and that Finn needs to be cooler, suggesting he reveal their coupling from last year. Sure, reveal you lost your virginity to a closeted lesbian, you'll be cooler than the other side of the pillow. Finn rejects as we cut to Finchel making out only for Rachel to come clean about Jesse not punching her V-Card. Finn of course keeps his mouth shut. Cut back to Santana showing no sympathy, asking why can't he see that Rachel's dragging him down (though this episode may suggest the opposite). She then, as you'd expect, threatens to blab, which she does next episode. Rachel then arrives as Lopez slinks away. Finn, rattled, compliments Rachel on her bridesmaids dress, then, not wanting to spoil anything, simply tells her she loves her. Cut to the church where ND go into an elaborate routine that, and this is true, spawned thousands of real life imitators. The bride and groom then arrive, and the priest notes that Burt and Carole have forgone the prayers, instead choosing to offer their personal thoughts on the occasion. They basically talk about how they're going to be a family, and each of them will do their best to make sure that they'll be a good parent to their respective step-child, and they continue with the ceremony. We return after the break to the reception, where Will, acting like Emma was there, leads Burt and Carole into their first dance. Afterwards, he invites Finn up to the microphone for his toast to his parents. Finn, after invoking his and Rachel's Portmanteau Couple Name in-universe, wishes the happy couple well, then says Kurt showed him how to be a man, before subtly apologizing for not helping him with Karofsky, finishing by saying he's got Kurt's back. Future events will prove that to be hit and miss, but the thought is there. This leads into the second of the two Bruno Mars songs for the episode, including a funny spot of Finn pointing at Kurt and Rachel thinking it was her. Furt dance happily as do the rest of ND. We start the home stretch with a cut to the nursing home where Jean lives, the Sylvesters having gathered for a rehearsal of Sue's "wedding". When Jean asks why Doris left, it was in such an Armor-Piercing Question fashion that Doris falters with her fake reasons. She then falters as Sue enters in what could only be appropriate, a tracksuit wedding gown. Doris, finally realizing just who got the insanity trait, calls Sue out on the whole thing. Arguing ensues, and we don't see Doris again until the final season. Jean calls Sue beautiful, and the two comfort each other. Cut to Sam at his locker as Quinn appears with cream for the bruise Karofsky gave him. She then gives props for standing up for Kurt, then reveals she broke into his locker and took his ring. Sam is thrilled why Quinn exits looking tense. Like she regrets committing so quickly or that she's wishing he didn't have the same hair or something. And finally... Okay, see, did anyone actually think Karofsky would just be expelled and that would be the end of it? Darren Criss was hired and Dalton Academy was created for a reason, and we see what that reason is as we cut to the Hummel's in Sue's office. Seems that in a sad case of Truth in Television, one of Karofsky's parents, likely the mother, went over Sue's head and straight to the school board. The board, preferring welts over words, says without physical evidence, it's 'he said/he said', so Karofsky's back. Kurt promptly hits the Despair Event Horizon, saying he can't go back to being bullied, and Sue agrees that his position is unacceptable. Because of this, she's giving Figgins his job back (apparently she used Figgins illness to try and get him fired or something) so she can be more proactive in helping Kurt. However, the Hummels have another idea. Cut to the choir room, where Kurt walks in, thanks the Glee club for their efforts, and tells them how much they mean to him... which is why it'll be so hard for him to leave. As the viewers already figured out, because Karofsky's coming back, he's moving to Dalton, Burt and Carole's honeymoon money paying the tuition. And thus we end this Wham Episode with a change in the status quo, one that will carry the bulk of the season. Next time: Sectionals 2010, and a change in relationship statuses.
Songs in this episode:
- "Ohio" from Wonderful Town, performed by Doris and Sue
- "Marry You" by Bruno Mars, performed by the Glee club
- "Sway" by Pablo Beltrán Ruiz, performed by Will
- "Just The Way You Are" by Bruno Mars, performed by the Glee club