'''Airdate:''' April 10, 2011

When the local dry cleaner loses Peter’s favorite white shirt, he goes ballistic. When Peter tries to order Lois to find a new cleaner she refuses and orders Peter to ask him over for dinner but Lois pushes things too far when she tries to make Peter apologize. Continuing to accuse the cleaner of stealing his shirt, Peter breaks into his house and finds a white shirt in his closet as the cleaner arrives with a gun. Holding up the shirt as evidence, Peter continues to insist it's his shirt until trying it on and discovering it is several sizes too small. The cleaner threatens to shoot Peter but Peter calls his bluff by not taking off the shirt. Not wanting to ruin his shirt, the cleaner agrees to fight Peter and beats him, resulting in his arrest.

While Brian waits to bail Peter out of jail, he meets Denise, a liberal who was arrested for protesting a Wal-Mart opening. Brian tries to impress her but she is only casually interested and Brian breaks down completely when she refuses his request for a date.

Following Peter's advice, Brian decides to enlist Quagmire’s help by taking his class on how to pick up girls. But when Quagmire's technique makes things even worse for Brian with Denise, Quagmire admits his style is only to get laid, not build a relationship. Brian takes Quagmire's style and manages to pick up Quagmire's lost love Cheryl Tiegs, forcing Quagmire to watch helplessly as Brian treats her like crap.

Out for dinner with Cheryl, things get nasty when Quagmire arrives with Jillian. Brian discovers that Quagmire took advantage of Jillian's lack of intelligence to pick her up and soon Brian and Quagmire start trading insults which elevates into an fist fight, resulting in both of the girls leaving them alone.

Outside the restaurant, Brian encounters Quagmire waiting for his car. Quagmire admits to only picking up Jillian to irritate Brian and Brian admits his feeling that he and Cheryl were likely not going to be a successful relationship either. When Brian thinks they've finally become friends again, he asks Quagmire for a ride home. Quagmire smiles in agreement, but when Brian reaches for the door, Quagmire races forward and then reverses, sending Brian flying after hitting him with the car.

----
!!"Tiegs For Two" contains examples of ([[YMMV/FamilyGuyS9E14TiegsForTwo YMMV goes here]])
* AllGirlsWantBadBoys: Quagmire's first lesson is that women want bastards like him instead of Prince Charming. He backs that up by citing the number of times he's had sex since last night: ''[[spoiler:60]]''.
* AsYouKnow: "As you may recall, he hates you."
* BulletproofFashionPlate: Compared to most of the brawls throughout the series that leave the opponents exaggeratively bloodied and bruised, after Quagmire and Brian's fight is halted, they both merely dust their coats with a sulky look, neither looking worse for wear.
* ContinuityNod: After Cheryl and Jillian leave the restaurant, Brian and Quagmire see Meg entering on Mayor West's arm.
-->'''Meg''': [[Recap/FamilyGuyS4E23DeepThroats Yeah, this still happens sometimes]].
* TheCynic: Peter says Brian has to ditch his negative attitude, but it's nothing compared to Negatron.
-->'''Negatron''': The Autobots always win. You think Optimus Prime's gonna be dead, but then he's not dead.
* DumbassHasAPoint: Even Jillian understands how awful Brian and Quagmire are being at the restaurant.
-->'''Jillian''': Yay, I helped!
* {{Flanderization}}: Quagmire and Brian's contempt for each other reaches dramatic proportions in this episode. Brian in particular, originally recessive to Quagmire's one sided outbursts, is now just as provocative and temperamental towards him as vice versa, to the point neither character can converse without sniding, insulting or outright yelling abuse at each other.
* FurryReminder: Brian mauls and bites at Quagmire at one point in their brawl.
* HalfwayPlotSwitch: Thirdway, more likely, as Peter's conflict is dropped once Brian collects him from the Police Station.
* JerkWithAHeartOfJerk: Obviously, Quagmire. [[spoiler: Opening the door for Brian to get in and [[BitingTheHandHumor potentially putting an end to a long-running feud?]] [[CruelTwistEnding He just drives away and hits Brian hard by backing up.]] [[SarcasmMode What a nice guy]].]]
* JerkassHasAPoint: When Brian says this was a waste of time and wrecked his shot with Denise, Quagmire says his course was explicitly for getting laid and never for love. He also says in all honesty that a person only gets their OneTrueLove if they're actually ready and maybe not even then.
* LetMeAtHim: After finding out he's dating Cheryl Tiegs, Peter has to hold off Quagmire from (once again) trying to rip Brian to shreds.
* NotSoDifferent: Jillian and Cheryl point out Quagmire and Brian are both being equally childish and petty.
* OneTrueLove: For Quagmire, it was Cheryl Tiegs, and he lost her. Since Brian hooked up with her to spite him, Quagmire went for Brian's lost love: Jillian.
-->'''Quagmire''': Y'see, women are a lot like ''Series/SaturdayNightLive'' sketches: [[TakeThat lots of them are awful]], some are decent, and a few are pretty good, but then there's that one--that one woman who's as amazingly perfect as Massive Head Wound Harry.
* TheReasonYouSuckSpeech: Both characters attempt to outdo the other with this in front of their dates.
-->'''Brian''': Well, I guess you guys have gotten pretty close, huh? Did Quagmire ever tell you he was obese as a child?
-->'''Quagmire''': Did Brian ever tell you he once had a tick on the back of his neck that he couldn't reach with his mouth, and it swelled up to the size of a ping-pong ball?
-->'''Brian''': ''[starting to get annoyed]'' Well, it was still smaller than that thing you had on your lip for three years!
-->'''Quagmire''': ''[also annoyed]'' Oh, three years?! You mean like the three years you have ''left on this planet?!''
-->'''Brian''': ''[now pissed]'' Oh, that's nice! Hey, if you guys are so close, maybe Jillian should know that you teach a class in picking up women?!
-->'''Quagmire''': ''[equally pissed]'' And Cheryl should know that you ''took'' that class!
-->'''Brian''': Does Jillian know [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking you're half Polish, Mr. Quagglechek?]]
-->'''Quagmire''': [[BerserkButton YOU SON OF A BITCH!]]
* RunningGagged: Up until "Brian the Closer" nearly three seasons later, this was the last episode to prominently limelight Quagmire's hatred for Brian, having only very mild passive aggressive spats otherwise. Even besides that, this episode abolishes the one sided KafkaKomedy nature of the feud, with Brian openly hating and antagonising Quagmire back from this point onwards.
* ShowDontTell: A CutawayGag involving Creator/MichaelJFox is set up, but instead of the gag itself, we see Peter in black featureless background, explaining his reluctance to show the potentially offensive clip (since the gag involves his Parkinsons Disease). He proceeds to summarize the clip, but afterwards, he is informed he can show it anyway.
* ShoutOut:
** Quagmire claims to be the first person to use the [[Film/WaynesWorld "NOT"]] {{Catchphrase}} [[ItMakesSenseInContext at John Davidson at a Dinner party with Cheryl Tiegs]]. [[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment ''NOT''!]]
** Peter and Mr. Washee Washee fight on E. Honda's stage in ''VideoGame/StreetFighterII'' and recreate various moves.
* {{Sitcom Arch Nemesis}}es: Brian and Quagmire's feud reaches it's peak in this episode. Also, Mr. Washee Washee for Peter for this one episode.
* ThenLetMeBeEvil: After several failed attempts to befriend Quagmire in previous episodes, Brian snaps back after one too many outbursts and makes a ''very'' personal blow.
* TookALevelInBadass: Quagmire once again attacks Brian in a rage this episode. Compared to their previous bout however, Brian keeps equal footing and punches and mauls Quagmire with equal viciousness.
* WhatKindOfLamePowerIsHeartAnyway: In the face of criticism of his goals:
-->'''Megatron''': I'm takin' this from a robot that turns into a ''canoe''?\\
'''Negatron''': [[HeartIsAnAwesomePower When there's a battle on a gently moving river, you'll want me.]]
* WhatTheHellHero: Cheryl and Jillian when it becomes clear what's going on betwween Brian and Quagmire.