Quotes / Your Vampires Suck

"Well, you can still be destroyed, but forget the books and the movies. Garlic? It's worthless. Cross? Pfft... shove it right up their asses. A stake? Only if it catches you in the heart, and then it just paralyzes you. Running water? Ah, that's no problem. I bathe... Occasionally."

"You listen to me, Twilight — My god, is that really the name you picked? Twilight? Y'know I lived that idea first, right? (And my vampire was so much better.)"
Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season 8 #33

"Bela Lugosi's dead, and so am I. But what's left of Bela is rotting in a pine coffin somewhere, while I have the opportunity to sit here on the balcony, enjoy my drink, and look at you. Correct me if I am presumptuous, but I suspect I have the better end of the deal."
— Opening to Vampire: The Masquerade sourcebook

"Oh God, I'm Pattinson!"
Dean, Supernatural, "Live Free or Twi-Hard"

Edward: [hears knocking on the door] Hold on. [goes to the door] Who is it?
Alucard: Oh, you know. [Shoots Edward thirty-seven times through the door] A REAL fucking vampire!

"And let's face it, Vampires are pretty weak. They can be hurt or killed by sunlight, crosses, wood, silver, fire, magic, beheading, holy water, and garlic... they can't cross running water, can't fix their hair in a mirror, can't even enter a house without being invited. My 2 year old son can walk into someone's house without being invited (and often does). Frankly, it's amazing that this Darwinian failure of a race has made it this far."
Cysero (listing down vampire weaknesses), AdventureQuest Worlds

The Nostalgia Critic (on the changes to Vampire Lore in Twilight)

"Twilight is that movie where angsty gay vampires do each other's makeup in high school, and instead of sunlight exploding them, it turns their skin into body glitter? I'm not judging you, man; that's a really, really cool thing to enjoy."
Seanbaby, in response to Carlos Mencia tweeting that he enjoyed the film.

"Vampires used to be creatures driven by HATE and HUNGER and the need for DOMINANCE! But ever since Meyer took up LeScat's failed legacy, you've all become so faggy that the mention of a new hair gel makes you squeal like a prison bitch in a pass-around!"
Vlad the Impaler, Fafnir The Dragon Bloodsuckers Are Not Sexy

"Whedon got it wrong."
Topher, Runaways

Yulric Bile: [laughing] So this is what we have become. Millennia of legend and lore, and now we appear to you as mere adolescents at the height of beauty and bloom. Tell me, are all the stories of my kind thus? Are vampyrs always immortal champions with rosy cheeks and marble physiques?
Amanda: Sometimes they're bad.
Yulric Bile: [laughing even harder] Indeed, sometimes we are bad. Seducing mortals for nefarious ends. Immortality. Beauty. Power. All rolled into a single drama. A pleasant fiction.
Amanda: Mostly.
Yulric Bile: Mostly? Is there a downside to their existence? Is the curse of the Phantom having to choose between locks of gold or tresses of auburn?
An Unattractive Vampire by Jim McDoniel