Quotes: Writers Cannot Do Math

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"If it takes a millennium to boil you away,
That's .00083 percent in a day
And not that I'm now suggesting you try it,
But you lose pounds faster on the Atkin's Diet
do get dissolved, that seems pretty plain,
But it happens too slowly to cause any pain
What was sold as a torture unspeakably cruel
Becomes a long dip in a big heated pool"

Number 2: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could make trillions!
Dr. Evil: Why make trillions when we could make... billions?
Scott Evil: A trillion is more than a billion, numbnuts.
Austin Powers: Goldmember

Every year, worldwide, some 3,000 people are killed by falling coconuts, now if you times that figure by 10, that's 30,000 people every year, which works out at nearly half a million people, every 12 months. Spread that out over a year, that's 4.2 billion people killed by coconuts every month. A frightening statistic.
Angus Deaton, Would I Lie to You?

Vader: Work on this new Death Star is not proceeding fast enough!
Admiral: But my men are already working 14 hours a day!
Vader: Well, then double your efforts!
Admiral: You mean work 28 hours a day!?
Vader: Look, I'm a sadist, not a mathematician!
MAD parody of Return of the Jedi

Oh dear, maths.

I suck at math.

I’ve put hundreds of thousands if not millions of hours into my weapons training.

'Spindly' Klutz might have the stupidest origin story in the history of comic books. He wasn't good at football, so they only let him play half the time. This drove him to revenge. What makes football a strange choice for his origin is that there are offensive and defensive squads on each team. So basically, the author picked the one sport where every player only plays half the time.

Mr. Dux still holds four world records:
Fastest Knockout – 3.2 seconds
Fastest Punch with a Knockout – .12 seconds
Fastest Kick with a Knockout – 72mph
Most Consecutive Knockouts in a Single Tournament – 56

Yes, Bloodsport was based on a true story...56 knockouts in a single tournament? Even if the Kumite was a round robin, that's at least 57 competitors. If not, then that means there were a minimum of 56 rounds. My maths is awful, but working on the principle that in each round, pairs of fighters square off with the winner advancing, I've worked that out as 72,057,594,037,927,936 competitors. 72 quadrillion plus. To put that in perspective, there were only 5,000,000,000 people on Earth the year that Bloodsport was released. That means that Dux was victorious in a field that contained fourteen and a half million times the entire population of the planet. What a guy.
Stuart Millard, Smoke & Mirrors and Steven Seagal

When Bison opens up the huge suitcase of money, it's filled to the brim with phony red cash with Raul Julia's face smack-dab in the middle. Sagat's all 'WTF man! Is this a joke?' 'On the contrary!' Bison winks, 'Every Bison Dollar will be worth FIVE British pounds!' Dang! That's a stiff rate of exchange. Is he planning to issue any Bison Quarters?

Chris: This movie has a hard time understanding how light works. Case in point: The crazy “light bomb” that Blade sets off to kill all the reapers, which involves light traveling around corners and people ducking after they see it so that they don’t get hit by it. One more time for those of you in the back: They see it, but then duck out of the way. And we are talking about LIGHT.
David: You can only fit so much light into one room, Chris. The light will leak out, around corners.
Chris: It’s seriously like one energy bar away from being a Mega Man weapon.
David: Remember, the amount of light that can fit in a three-dimensional space has an equation: f(Light) = 4Light^3 / 2 + c, where c is the base temperature. When you overshoot that, it’s all over.
Chris: Seems legit.

Crewman: The Scimitar is spreading its "targeting wings".
Picard: Targeting wings? It needs fancy targeting wings to hit something bigger than an aircraft carrier from only 1 km away, dead ahead?
Crewman: Yup. And it needs to charge up for 7 minutes too.
Picard: Excellent. Just enough time for another contrived action scene. Hey, if it takes 7 minutes to charge up to kill 1000 people, how long would it take to kill 6 billion?
Crewman: I'd calculate about 80 years. Who the hell wrote this?
Picard: Thank God I signed up for X-Men.

Ramirez goes into a tailor's and forks over one of his presumably valuable earrings for a suit. Apparently, we’re supposed to believe that the staff of this establishment would go into a swoon upon getting a look that this "solid gold" artifact. The problem is that the shop is apparently supposed to be an exclusive, Saville Row type of place. If so, then a bargain basement suit here might run $10,000. Meanwhile, Ramirez’s earring, weighing perhaps an ounce, might have been worth, I don’t know, seven or eight hundred dollars.

One episode’s big villain is an immortal who has figured out a mathematical algorithm that takes all the immortals in the world and tells him who he needs to kill and in what order to become the last one. Yeah…there’s a guy whose big schtick is that he plays the fantasy football version of immortality. Forget the fact that no one can calculate how a swordfight to the death is going to turn out due to all the variables involved.
The Screamsheet on Highlander: The Raven

With earplugs firmly in place, Batman “reverses the polarity on his communicator” in order to create an ear-piercing sound that would drive the tiger back into its cell. Now, you may be wondering how loud this sound is. Desmond Doomsday tells us, and when he provided the number, I went to look it up to see if there was any comparable sound. Just to give you an idea of what we’re working with here, most of the charts I could find topped out at around 160 decibels, which is roughly equivalent to standing next to a jet engine or shotgun going off right next to you. The loudest sound in recorded history, the explosion of Krakatoa in 1883, was measured at a staggering 170 db from a hundred kilometers away from the source, and it’s thought that it would’ve instantly deafened anyone within ten miles. It was heard three thousand miles away, and the sound of it actually traveled around the world four times before it finally dissipated, changing air pressure. From what I can gather, most people agree that it would’ve been over 320 db at the source. The launch of the Saturn V rocket was measured at 220 db, which, from what I’ve read, is loud enough to literally melt concrete.

Batman’s sonic attack in this episode is, according to the narration, twenty thousand decibels.

Amazingly, this bit of overkill doesn’t completely obliterate Gotham City and/or the planet Earth, instead just driving the tiger back and leaving Batman himself completely unharmed. All things considered, it’s a pretty fantastic advertisement for Wayne Industries Brand Ear Plugs™.
Chris Sims on Batman, "Better Luck Next Time"

This dude, who was banished from The Triad club way back when, sends his minions to warn the Charmed Ones about the others. And wait— why was there a fourth guy in The Triad? Wouldn't that make them The Quartet? Unless they just rotate members out; then of course there wouldn't be a way to 'vanquish' them. They're just three random shitters... That's like saying you 'can't vanquish' the Harlem Globetrotters.
Allison Pregler on Charmed Season Eight

Chloe then goes from Smallville all the way to Metropolis, where she fetches a tazer and finds Lana, who's also gone from Metropolis to Smallville to Metropolis (and then later back to Smallville, to passive aggressively chide Clark). Lex has, of course, gone from Smallville to Metropolis at this point, as has Clark, who meets them all there.

No wonder we need the Saudis.
Neal Bailey on Smallville ("Tomb")