Quotes / Worst Aid

Chris: Just so we’re clear on this, Raphael was definitely in a coma for several days, right? And then just got better from being jammed into a bathtub?
Matt: That’s the long and short of it.
Chris Sims and Matt Wilson on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

"Morgan seems to remember that she has a sucking torso wound, but the only thing she does to treat it is to empty half a bottle of liquor on it and goes right back to work. I'm sure that'll clear the impending infection right up. "

"[T]here's a reason why games use healing power-ups that automatically restore your health by just walking over them. It's because gamers don't want to stop every 30 seconds or so to go through a laborious 10-step process for healing their character. Which brings us to Metal Gear's elaborate "cure menu," in which players could treat all sorts of ailments by choosing from a long-ass list of procedures... With all of this attention to detail, there isn't even a logical order in which the medical procedures have to be completed. You can stitch a wound shut, wrap a bandage around it, and only then remember to dig out the bullet that's still lodged inside."

"Hey, you wrapped a cloth around his shirt. And not even completely over the wound. Good as new!"
Obscurus Lupa on Charmed Season 8

"Rory’s gone and died again, so we’ve got to get that fixed by way of an enormously accurate and helpful depiction of CPR that you should watch closely and be sure to try if you’re ever in a position to provide lifesaving medical care for a friend or loved one."

"You treated and bandaged the bullet wound to my FUCKING UNIFORM!"
The Dark Id (as Leon S. Kennedy) to Ada, Let's Play Resident Evil 2 & 3

"Miss Pauling, I've been using my own underwear to sponge blood out of puddles. Trust me, the type is the least of your problems."
The Medic from Team Fortress 2

"Just stick da bone back in."
Kaptin Bluddflagg's medical advice, Dawn of War II: Retribution