It's not that the actors from the movie werenít there. They were. Peter Mayhew was there in his Chewbacca get up, and Anthony Daniels slapped on the gold plates to reprise his C3PO role. Heck, even the big three put in an appearance: Mark Hamill (who was wearing so much makeup
that it appeared he signed a sponsorship deal with Max Factor), Harrison Ford (looking like heíd rather be anywhere else in the galaxy
), and Carrie Fisher (who looked...well, thereís just no nice way to put this...the poor girl just look absolutely coked out of her mind. Seriously, itís a toss up between her and Drew Barrymore
for the coveted 'Best Stoned Actress in a Supporting Role in a Crappy Christmas Movie' ''WrestleCrap Oscar.
I really canít overemphasise how utterly brain-jigged a movie this is. Itís like a film entirely made up of characters deemed too fucked up to be in other films...I like to imagine Nic Cage
dunking the Killer Joe
script into a lionís mouth for being too out there
, then firing his agent while rolling down a hill inside a giant tractor tyre.
the musical is already weird. A grown woman dresses up like a teenage boy, breaks into a house at night and sprinkles 'pixie dust' on the children (read: drugs them) before taking them up, up, and away. Some may call that a charming, family-friendly musical. I call that an episode of To Catch a Predator
'. I kept waiting for the dog to stand up, zip itself out of its costume and reveal itís really Chris Hansen who has gone undercover to bust 'Peter Pan.' So that shit is already weird, but NBC upped the WTFness by adding an acid trip alligator (who was obviously a Lisa Frank reject and has never gotten over it
), a bunch of hot gay pirates who were dressed up like the Real Housewives
going horseback riding, Tiger Lily looking like the worst dressed trick at Coachella (Vanessa Hudgens shouldíve been her stylist), a giant group of bossy bottoms
(aka The Lost Boys), Smeeís weird fabric tattoos, a dead maid, too much Melissa Joan Hart
... But there was two bright spots of intense fuckery: Christopher Walken
and his faded Sharpie brows!
A two-headed mutated Cher-loving
date rapist. Why are you looking at me like that? Itís (Chris) Carter whoís on the funny stuff!
'It's like a sword...but it's also a gun,' Nomura
explains to Uematsu
. 'A blade that uses bullets!
This is the best idea I've ever had. Don't you think?' Uematsu nods, only pretending to listen. He is secretly gawking at the enormous size of Nomura's dilated pupils.
The peculiar genius of The Apple is that every time it appears that the film cannot get any crazier, it ratchets up the weirdness to almost indescribable levels. It belongs to the curious subset of movies so all-consumingly druggy and surreal that they make audiences feel baked out of their minds even when they're stone-cold sober.. a movie that makes drugs seem redundant and unnecessary.
Wow, we came into this adventure late
. The Chairman has already turned the police into chairs and wait, what
? And Spider-Man
's trapped and being interrogated about antique chair shipping schedules? I have no idea how the fuck we got here. And I also have no idea why this isn't celebrated by the Smithsonian as history's first Spider-Man story
written by a grandmother filled with paint fumes. If they really did this many drugs in the '70s
, shouldn't more of us be centaurs?
: What is even happening to us right now, Matt. Matt
: Itís a mix between Lovecraftian insanity
from horror and some kind of transcendence
: I feel like Iím drunk. I feel like this movie has made me drunk. I donít think I could stand up right now.
"Batman suddenly has a remote control for the mind-controlled penguins that he got from God knows where, the Penguin disarms him, and then some bats show up for some reason and the penguins shoot their rockets and blow up the abandoned zoo and the Penguin falls through a skylight into an aquarium thatís actually underground now and holy s*** am I on peyote or is this movie actually happening?"
I believe it can be safely said, without hyperbole, that the Super Mario Bros. movie was created following one of the most baffling executive brainstorming sessions in recorded history. They must have sent some intern out to have a vision quest in the Mojave Desert with nothing but a screenshot of the game and a water filter for his own urine, then turned his inevitable police statement into a motion picture.
Looking at the movie, it makes you wonder what they were smoking, snorting, or shooting up in those meetings. Okay, letís have (Bill) Cosby
carry around a magic queen bee, letís give him underarm rockets and have him ride an ostrich and have him dance like a ballerina. Meanwhile, letís have killer rainbow trout and vegetarian birdmen who have adverse reactions to beef. Sheesh.
...thereís a shot of Bill Cosby riding across a rooftop. And, umm... heís riding an ostrich. I assure you, I did not ingest any hallucinogens prior to writing this recap. But truth be told, that wouldnít have been such a bad idea
A happy bowling ball just opened its brain to eat a cherry served by a fish in a tuxedo. What refreshing blend of illegal substances and narcotics must the developer have consumed while creating this masterpiece?
You can put some Bach on the stereo and huff paint and get the roughly same experience as watching this film.
The storyline is about a King who's dying of illness and needs seven different herbs to cure him. (Yeah, I bet the game designers were smoking 'seven different herbs'.)
These mushrooms are weird
, because eating them fills all the adjacent rooms with lava. And then with wATEr. dUde ThATs FUckIN TRipPY. (stoner rock plays) WhAAAAt DaFUq mAAAAAAnn, A TwO-HeAdED HoRSE!
Don't do drugs, do Adventure Time
If Tim Burton
had never done acid, I'd hate to see what happens if he does.
I think Miyamoto was high as shit when he thought of us, though. Mario:
What makes you think that? Luigi:
Think about it, Mario. We're fucking plumbers wearing red and green hats, we're trying to save a hot princess from a dinosaur-turtle, and to stay alive, we have to eat mushrooms.
I can honestly say this deserves the title of 'Weirder Than LSD.' I think everybody will agree with me on this one. I think this is an acid trip for the ages. This is: you don't have to do drugs if you do this; you can just play this game.
You can't do drugs when you're making shows. Maybe after, but not during. We're bizarre, that's all.
I don't need no THC, 'cause I've not yet even begun to see the limits of my natural, sober
Well, your outfit, itís sort of bizarre, like my costume on acid, really isnít it? ...Colin experienced my costume on drugs
Nope, we're not smoking. We've just lost our minds. It makes it so that we don't need any drugs.
It's hard to underscore enough how ridiculous I and most creators I've talked to find this notion that being high is the wellspring from which all bizarre, absurd, or otherwise creative material must necessarily come from. For the most part, there's a very significant difference between quality work and pot addled horseshit.
I read a review below me and im shaking my head. Why is EVERY song in the world about drugs? It has NOTHING to do with drugs whatsoever. ALL songs are never about drugs unless it's obvious. Drugs act as inspiration, not a topic for the song sop drug references in music may be present. That doesnt mean its about drugs. Good lord. I'm sick of all you people who think artists write about drugs. Uness the song is 'Hits from the bong' or 'Dr Green thumb' or more rap related or 'cocaine', etc... its not about drugs. If a song is about drugs you'll know, not think.
God, this reminds me of the time someone told me Third eye by Tool was about drugs. My response? You sir... are an idiot. Because only idiots judge what a song is about... and only hear like 25% of the lyrics.