Quotes: Video Game Movies Suck
Quick! Change the channel!
In a world
where video games to film adaptations suck ass, this movie
will totally fall beyond your expectations. And then some more.
The movie is an utterly meaningless waste of time. There was no reason to produce it, except to make money, and there is no reason to see it, except to spend money...Parents: If you encounter teenagers who say they liked this movie, do not let them date your children.
Hollywood doesn't make good video game movies for the same reason General Motors doesn't make motorized unicycles: they're stupid ideas, there's very little money in it and they aren't very good at making their regular product to begin with. They're not adapting the license to tell the epic story on the cinematic field of wonder—they're doing it because they are literally out of ideas.
Rule number one in making a movie about Street Fighter
is to take the characters and have them fight. Rule number two shouldn't have to exist,
but if it did, it would be filling the time between fights with musical training montages or musical montages of shorter fights
. Ignoring these simple rules I just invented ten years after they made it, Street Fighter
was so desperate to keep a fight from breaking out they went so far as to turn Dhalsim into a lab technician and Chun Li, E. Honda, and Balrog into telejournalists.
After watching this, in mounting aghastment, I've now realized why it's so bad. It's because it's good. Unfortunately, what it's good at is being a movie of a computer game. If you've played your way through the TR games you'll realize that. The atmosphere of the locations, the way Lara runs and fires, the traps ... someone sat through all the games, taking notes. It's truer to the feel of the games than most novel-based movies are to the original novel. Time and care was spent on that. Then, since the games have no characterization, or any plot much above the level of "get all the bits", they pasted together an inconsistent load of old garbage in twenty minutes and hoped the SFX would carry it. They don't.
The answer really is simple: What is the best video game movie? It hasn't been made yet.
They tried to apply characters and a plot to this? It's DOOM
! People play DOOM
to get away from talking. We only liked it because it was all about blowing stuff up REAL GOOD. The game was made during an era when people didn't care a kangaroo's nipple about plots in a first-person shooter. In fact, at the first sign of plot or text screens, our left hands would jerk spasmodically to the ESC key SO WE COULD GET BACK TO THE SHOOTING.
This movie just sucked on every single level... It makes an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger
(a bad episode) look like L.A. Confidential
. Iím not even going to go into how the movie is nothing like the game because that would be shooting fish in a barrel. Iím talking about cliches that were old 40 years ago
and plot holes
you could drive a Mack truck through. The ďmysteryĒ, if you could call it that, doesnít exactly need Sherlock Holmes to solve. Larry Holmes could solve it.