Quotes / Two Guys and a Girl

"The next thing you need to do is create your main character. And since it's important to write what you know, the main character will obviously be you. But while you are a repressed, socially retarded dullard who no one would ever honestly admit to liking, your author insertion character is a fantasy, so they will be a charismatic eccentric who is unconditionally loved by everyone even while he's setting their dog on fire.
The secondary character is the straight man whose job it is to play comic foil to the other character's bullshit and inexplicably tolerate his behavior, when any sane person would be checking the Rooms To Rent pages with one hand and slamming the idiot's face in a drawer with the other.
The third character is The Girl. You know, girls? Those mysterious creatures you see on the bus, who have their own bathrooms and spray stingy liquid in your face. If you don't know much about girls, because your conversations with them don't last for more than a few minutes before the police are called, just use your mum as a frame of reference, characterizing the female as a disapproving, eye-rolling nanny who tolerantly wipes up the whoopsies of the idiot man-children and chastises them with the occasional spanking. And since your ego should be swelling nicely by this point, she should also become the main character's girlfriend somehow."
Zero Punctuation on webcomics

Abed: Mariah, my name is Abed Nadir. My associate, Troy Barnes.
Troy: Charmed, I'm sure.
Mariah: Are you the guys that keep staring at me and intermittently yelling out 'books!'?
Troy: The very same. We're both interested in taking you to the Valentines dance — but, we are also best friends with each other.
Abed: It is of utmost importance we protect that friendship from the stresses of courting you, so we're trying to be as direct and above-board about this as possible.
Troy: Will you go to the dance with one of us — and if so, which one? [Abed gestures in a 'your move' fashion to Mariah]
Mariah: ... We need to get something straight here. This is the cutest thing that's ever happened to me. [Troy and Abed high five without making eye contact] But — I don't know either one of you.
Abed: Give us a moment. [Troy and Abed turn away from her and discuss amongst themselves briefly] New proposal — get to know us at the dance and decide which of us you'd like to see again.
Mariah: Okay. Deal.

Casey: Look, I know you've been doing this longer than me, but trust me, I'm not out to steal your thunder.
Theo: No, you're just trying to steal my best friend!
Casey: That is ridiculous.
Theo: Oh, don't deny it. You and Lily -
Lily: HEY! As long as you're talking about me, let me join in. Casey, I don't care how long you were at the Academy, you're a member of our team and we need you to work with us on the battlefield. Theo, we have got a bond that will last a lifetime. Got it? Good. And Casey's my friend, too. A new friend. I mean, come on, guys. We're in charge in protecting the world here. This isn't the prom. Work it out.