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Ellen: "Well, why don't you get off to a safe start by buckling your seat belt!"
Steve: "[...] But I don't need any advice! Don't you know that it's safer to be thrown clear of the car in case of an accident?"
Ellen: "But that's not true! It—
Supergirl: "She's right, Steve! If you're thrown free of the car, do you think you're going to land on a pillow somewhere? Wrong! You'll be hitting solid ground— and hitting it very hard!"
Steve: "[...] But I don't need any advice! Don't you know that it's safer to be thrown clear of the car in case of an accident?"
Ellen: "But that's not true! It—
Supergirl: "She's right, Steve! If you're thrown free of the car, do you think you're going to land on a pillow somewhere? Wrong! You'll be hitting solid ground— and hitting it very hard!"
Comic Books
It's so absurdly simple! I can control this storm! All I have to do is—
Fone Bone: Those Rat Creatures would have to be pretty stupid to follow me onto this frail little branch [over a waterfall].
[beat, as the Rat Creatures do exactly that]
Fone Bone: STUPID, STUPID RAT CREATURES!!
[beat, as the Rat Creatures do exactly that]
Fone Bone: STUPID, STUPID RAT CREATURES!!
— Bone
Fan Works
Seriously, was this guy for real? He not only fails to properly grasp the situation, but he insults both his princess and a potentially dangerous creature in one breath. Here's a prospective candidate for the Darwin awards if ever I saw one.
The Qartheeni managed a sad smile. "The life of Glarus Glyn Glesai is full of woe and betrayal, oh worthy khal. For example, one might think people hiring a man because of his ability to bloodily murder men in public so that an example can be made would naturally realize that the fee, no matter how high, is still lower than what they will receive by not paying it. And yet on four separate occasions in my life one would be wrong."
—The King Nobody Wanted, Chapter 78
Tanaka wasn't ever the type to play fair. If he could screw you over to get a dollar, he’d do every time. Word is he tried that on Mastermind. Held a gun to his head to get the plans for free. He should’ve just paid. You don’t mess with Mastermind.
— Blue Dogs associate, Mastermind: Strategist for Hire
The guy was not a pushover. What were the Black Dogs thinking, pissing a guy like him off anyway? It was like they wanted to die.
— Soren, The Night Unfurls
thanks for preventing me from dying via my own carelessness
— Sora to Mashiro, PreCure in a Nutshell
Film — Animated
"You got lucky and killed a stupid one!"
— Frank (to Barry), Sausage Party
Film — Live-Action
I don't want another murder in this case, and you were born to be murdered.
— Major Calloway (to Holly Martins), The Third Man
The Defense Department regrets to inform you that your sons are dead because they were stupid.
— Goose, Top Gun
You just went and made a new dinosaur? Probably not a good idea.
— Owen, Jurassic World
You charge us with your safekeeping, yet despite our best efforts, your countries wage wars, you toxify your earth, and pursue ever more imaginative means of self-destruction. You cannot be trusted with your own survival.
—VIKI, I, Robot
WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, NUMBNUTS? DIDN'T MOMMY AND DADDY SHOW YOU ENOUGH ATTENTION WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD?
— Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, to the face of a psychotic, gun-toting Pyle (who promptly shoots him), Full Metal Jacket
You made three mistakes. First: you took the job. Second: you came light. A four man crew for me? Fucking insulting! But the worst mistake you made: empty gun rack.
— Richard B. Riddick, The Chronicles of Riddick
They are not bright. They manage to eat. But how hard is it to survive on rocks? I once saw a troll try to eat its own tail. His head between his legs, he tried to suck down his own tail. He started gagging on it, tipped over, and rolled down a hill like a wheel.
—Hans on trolls, The Troll Hunter
Ghostface: Do you like scary movies?
Sidney: What's the point? They're all the same. Some stupid killer stalking some big-breasted girl who can't act who's always running up the stairs when she should be going out the front door. It's insulting.
Sidney: What's the point? They're all the same. Some stupid killer stalking some big-breasted girl who can't act who's always running up the stairs when she should be going out the front door. It's insulting.
Curt: We lock this place down. We go room by room, barricade every window and door. We've gotta play it safe. No matter what happens, we have to stick together.
<vents open, releasing a mind-altering chemical mist>
Curt: This isn't right. We should split up. We'll cover more ground that way.
Jesse: Yeah. Yeah, good idea.
Marty: Really?
<vents open, releasing a mind-altering chemical mist>
Curt: This isn't right. We should split up. We'll cover more ground that way.
Jesse: Yeah. Yeah, good idea.
Marty: Really?
"Del, wanna know what stupid is? Stupid is taking what doesn't belong to you. Isn't that right, Wesley? That's right. Stupid is trying to sell it to people who are, by their very nature, untrustworthy. That is so right. Stupid is calling people in Kansas City who are affiliated to the rightful owners of the thing you stole and trying to sell it to them. Now, that's really stupid."
— Charlie, Nurse Betty
Valeria: Two fools who laugh at death. Do you know what horrors lie beyond that wall?
Conan: No.
Valeria: Then you go first.
Literature
Stupidity is the only natural capital crime.
— Robert A. Heinlein, The Notebooks of Lazarus Long
Thoth sprang up, blood mounting darkly to his face, while his eyes flamed with the stunned fury of a man who suddenly realizes the full depths of a fool's swinish stupidity.
— Robert E. Howard, "The Phoenix On The Sword," as Thoth-Amon realizes that Dion has his lost Ring of Power and doesn't even know it.
Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning, he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting "All gods are bastards".
— Rincewind on Twoflower, The Colour of Magic
Murder was in fact a fairly uncommon event in Ankh-Morpork, but there were a lot of suicides. Walking in the night-time alleyways of the Shades was suicide. Asking for a short beer in a dwarf bar was suicide. Saying 'Got rocks in your head?' to a troll was suicide. You could commit suicide very easily, if you weren't careful.
Pages one and two had been salvaged by a Damogran Frond Crested Eagle and had already become incorporated into an extraordinary new form of nest which the eagle had invented. It was constructed largely of papier-mache and it was virtually impossible for a newly hatched baby eagle to break out of it. The Damogran Frond Crested Eagle had heard of the notion of survival of the species but wanted no truck with it.
I've never seen someone so prone to life-threatening idiocy!
— Alice Cullen to Bella Swan, New Moon
Moiraine: DO NOT go out into Shadar Logoth, or touch anything!
Mat: Let's go out into Shadar Logoth and touch things!
Rand and Perrin: Good idea.
Mat: Let's go out into Shadar Logoth and touch things!
Rand and Perrin: Good idea.
"That probably wasn't the smartest thing you've ever done. Points for style, I guess. Points off for being too stupid to live."
— Kevin Price, InCryptid: Pocket Apocalypse
Live-Action TV
Hey, the cop never said anything about doing intensely stupid things!
—Tom Servo, Mystery Science Theater 3000, "Last Clear Chance", right before the characters get hit by a train.
Please do not use this electrical appliance while you're in the bath. Actually, you know what? Go on. If you're that dumb, I think we can afford to lose ya!
— Ed Byrne on Mock the Week (Series 10, Episode 11
)
)People that stupid deserve to be kerpowed, zapped and kersplatted in their beds!
—Lister, Red Dwarf, "The Inquisitor"
I clean my knives in a crossbow. Some people say it's foolish… I put them in the hoover and set it on blow and just shoot water at them around the kitchen, as I sit with a plug — bare-wired… at my feet… PEEING ON IT! All to get a better clean.
— Phil Jupitus on QI after hearing about the fatal accidents involving dishwasher users impaling themselves on the cutlery basket because they put all the knives in pointing up — all to get a better clean.
I think I might've shot myself a bit.
— Sgt. Penhale, Doc Martin
Doggett: I think I just solved this case. This kid had crap for brains and the flies couldn't resist.
Reyes: Oh, and you were such a choirboy growing up?
Doggett: I mean, we did some stupid stuff, but we didn't know it was stupid at the time. This isn't just stupid, this is glorification of stupid. These kids take enormous pride in being sub-mental.
Reyes: Oh, and you were such a choirboy growing up?
Doggett: I mean, we did some stupid stuff, but we didn't know it was stupid at the time. This isn't just stupid, this is glorification of stupid. These kids take enormous pride in being sub-mental.
—The X-Files, "Lord of the Flies"
I suppose from a creative standpoint, some characters deserve to die. Ones that lack common sense or even basic survival instinct.
— Abed, Community
For young man, read young idiot. Look, anyone stupid enough to let some mustachio'd dago say, "Excuse me, meester" and then hit them over the head, deserves everything coming to them.
— Edmund Blackadder, Blackadder
"Good Lord! I wonder if it was the wine? (takes a sip) Nope, seems perfectly alright to me. And now, at last, I shall be King of E-"
— Edmund Blackadder, Blackadder
Poor Ned Stark. Brave man, terrible judgement.
—Jaime Lannister on the choices of his Arch-Enemy on Game of Thrones
But… they have the preservation instinct of a herd of lemmings!
— Hippolyte Kurtzmann, Flander's Company, "Bad Taste"
"The fire was stupid. Putting Vila on guard duty was suicidal. What's the matter? Staying alive become too complicated for you?"
— Avon, Blake's 7
"Yo, you should listen to me! I came up with hundreds of plans in my life and only one of them got me killed."
— Jason, The Good Place
"I'm just a dope who died in a safe with a snorkel… [Beat] Who's only now realizing why that didn't work!"
— Jason, The Good Place
Chris Rock: You know, you probably won't get your ass kicked if you just use common sense. If you jump a subway turnstile, you might just get off with a warning from the police; but, if you jump a turnstile carrying a loaded gun and smoking a joint, then, maybe, you need your ass kicked.
(cut to man getting beat up by police)
(cut to man getting beat up by police)
— The Chris Rock Show, "How To Not Get Your Ass Kicked By The Police"
Frank Castle: I didn’t murder anybody, Sheriff.
Sheriff Hardin: You telling me you didn’t do it?
Frank Castle: They died from terminal stupidity.
— The Punisher (2017), "Fight or Flight"
Charlie: You used me! You used me like you used Frank. And I knew it was only a matter of time before you tried to poison me too. So that's why that shot I took wasn't vodka. It was bleach!
Dee: What?
Charlie: The universal poison antidote.
Dee: No it's not.
Charlie: It's not?
Dee: If anything, you've ingested more poison.
Charlie: No, you put bleach on poison, it cancels it out. Pretty sure.
Dee: No, it makes the poison more poisony.
Charlie: No the two things cancel-No you're right, here comes the cherries.
[Charlie vomits cherry juice all over Dee's dress]
Dee: What?
Charlie: The universal poison antidote.
Dee: No it's not.
Charlie: It's not?
Dee: If anything, you've ingested more poison.
Charlie: No, you put bleach on poison, it cancels it out. Pretty sure.
Dee: No, it makes the poison more poisony.
Charlie: No the two things cancel-No you're right, here comes the cherries.
[Charlie vomits cherry juice all over Dee's dress]
Patient: A couple weeks ago. I didn’t want to get pregnant. Jake’s not into rubbers so I got on the jelly. You think I’m allergic or something?
Dr. House: You have an infection. Gonna need a sample. [starts to take a swab from her vagina]
Patient: I brought the jar. [reaching into her bag to take it out]
Dr. House: No, I meant a sample of your— [looks up to see a jar of strawberry jelly] ...Okay. We have a neurological problem here.
Patient: There's something wrong with my brain...?
Dr. House: [Beat] Oh, yeah.
Dr. House: You have an infection. Gonna need a sample. [starts to take a swab from her vagina]
Patient: I brought the jar. [reaching into her bag to take it out]
Dr. House: No, I meant a sample of your— [looks up to see a jar of strawberry jelly] ...Okay. We have a neurological problem here.
Patient: There's something wrong with my brain...?
Dr. House: [Beat] Oh, yeah.
— House, "Deception"
Music
You're dumb, the song, now die
You're dead, because, you're dumb
Oh wait, you're still, alive
You're still, no dumb, the less
You're dead, because, you're dumb
Oh wait, you're still, alive
You're still, no dumb, the less
I light my filter, then reverse it
And burn a mouth that's weak on verbs
And nouns and nouns
But I'm not sore
Everybody's stupid, that's for sure
And burn a mouth that's weak on verbs
And nouns and nouns
But I'm not sore
Everybody's stupid, that's for sure
—"Everybody's Stupid", Sparks
Why do lovers park down deserted lanes
Near haunted houses or homes for the insane
Like the deformed son who was locked in a shed
Later escaped when he chopped off their heads
Why do axe murderers only attack
When you're partially nude
Or you're taking a bath
Near haunted houses or homes for the insane
Like the deformed son who was locked in a shed
Later escaped when he chopped off their heads
Why do axe murderers only attack
When you're partially nude
Or you're taking a bath
— "Axe Murdered", Camper Van Beethoven
Well, man was never built with wings, but still you built that stupid thing
Out of rubber bands and strings — paraded it around!
People said it wouldn't fly, they warned you, "Man, you're gonna die!"
But still you said you had to try, and crashed it in the ground!
Out of rubber bands and strings — paraded it around!
People said it wouldn't fly, they warned you, "Man, you're gonna die!"
But still you said you had to try, and crashed it in the ground!
— "Farewell My Old Friend," The Cog Is Dead
Podcasts
Jar-Jar's like, 'Oh, come back to the city that has, like, a police warrant out for me for execution.' Uhh, Jar-Jar's not the smartest creature in the galaxy, is he?
He brings Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan before Boss Nass, but he gets arrested and they say it's time to get executed. If it wasn't for Qui-Gon saying, 'This animal has a life debt with me, I should take him with me.' — you know, if Qui-Gon just didn't do that — they've would've executed Jar-Jar. So, really, Jar-Jar would probably be more motivated to not take them there… 'I can take you to the Naboo City, just follow me! Let's, uh, let's go this way; The way that's the farthest possible away from the Gungan City. Let's go that way.'
I thought I had Jar-Jar figured out. I thought he was, like, the tightest, best character in the film. But I guess not.
He brings Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan before Boss Nass, but he gets arrested and they say it's time to get executed. If it wasn't for Qui-Gon saying, 'This animal has a life debt with me, I should take him with me.' — you know, if Qui-Gon just didn't do that — they've would've executed Jar-Jar. So, really, Jar-Jar would probably be more motivated to not take them there… 'I can take you to the Naboo City, just follow me! Let's, uh, let's go this way; The way that's the farthest possible away from the Gungan City. Let's go that way.'
I thought I had Jar-Jar figured out. I thought he was, like, the tightest, best character in the film. But I guess not.
— Mr. Plinkett riffs The Phantom Menace
Public Service Announcements
This man was safe… until now. He hasn't bothered to get the plug changed. From now on, he's in deadly danger. If the earth wire slips out, he won't notice, but as soon as it touches the live wire…
Stand-Up Comedy
Those kids in horror movies are so easy to kill, you could strangle them with a cordless phone y'know what I'm sayin? I mean, you see how they just run right into danger, these idiots, they run right into death. They're look'n for death.
— Pablo Francisco, this video
All the victims in these films have had their common sense glands removed.
— Eddie Izzard on Horror Movies
Horror MoviesSome animals are really stupid. Like the crab. What a- what a moron! He has two big scissors held out in front of him, and then he walks sideways like an idiot! That's why we eat their legs, we keep pulling them off from the side!
— Jeremy Hotz
Tabletop Game
"That's right, I'm the best shot in the platoon. I could shoot the pipe from an officer's mouth at 300 meters. Don't believe me?"
— Guardsman Varrant, six minutes before his execution
Video Games
"I shouldn't have hired those sellswords in the first place. Perhaps there's no need. This place is just a tomb, after all, and there are no obvious signs of habitation. It isn't as though the thousand-year dead will mind if I have a look around."
— Heddic's Volunruud Notes, found next to his corpse, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Remember how I said he was specifically built to make bad decisions? Because I think he's decided not to maintain any of the crucial functions that keep this facility from exploding!
— GLaDOS, about Wheatley, Portal 2
Duuuh. You died because you were dumb.
Robin Hood: (Hiding below monks) Excuse me, could you lend me a hand? You see, I'm nearly safe, but I thought I'd do something truly foolish instead and get myself killed.
Evil Monk: Brother, quickly, bring some rocks! There's an intruder below!
Evil Monk: Brother, quickly, bring some rocks! There's an intruder below!
Will: So there Robin was, disguised, puzzle box in hand, surrounded by enemies and what did he do?
Alan: Pulled the bell rope in the Abbott's room.
Much: Whatever could've possessed him?
Tuck: There are people who simply do what shouldn't be done.
Alan: Well, let that be a lesson to them.
Alan: Pulled the bell rope in the Abbott's room.
Much: Whatever could've possessed him?
Tuck: There are people who simply do what shouldn't be done.
Alan: Well, let that be a lesson to them.
Geez, sorry you guys! There's no cure for stupidity!
— Iori Yagami’s victory quote, The King Of Fighters '96
Anyone who fights us is either stupid or on Saren's payroll. Killing the latter is business. Killing the former is a favor to the universe.
— Urdnot Wrex, Mass Effect
Mach: Hang on, I'm getting a strange energy reading.
Ops: Do not touch the artifact! Direct orders from Dostya!
Mach: It'll just take a second.
Ops: Do not touch the artifact! Direct orders from Dostya!
Mach: It'll just take a second.
"Do not play Pokémon GO while driving."
"Do not trespass while playing Pokémon GO."
"Do not enter dangerous areas while playing Pokémon GO."
"Do not trespass while playing Pokémon GO."
"Do not enter dangerous areas while playing Pokémon GO."
— Startup messages in Pokémon GOnote
It is brave to swim in a storm. But to sunbathe on a beach with pirates? Insanity.
— Dennis Rogers, tending to Jason Brody, Far Cry 3
You dumb idiot.
— Franklin Clinton after witnessing Dom skydive from a dam with no parachute in Grand Theft Auto V
Pearl: My strategy for this stage is: rush to the stage and look freshhhhh…
Marina: I need to find new teammates…
Marina: I need to find new teammates…
—Splatoon 2, Starfish Mainstage discussion
Pearl: Whenever we play here, I always get cooked right away by some random chump.
Marina: That's because your strategy is to rush to the mic and look fresh…
Marina: That's because your strategy is to rush to the mic and look fresh…
—Splatoon 2, another Starfish Mainstage discussion
I'm sorry. He's just too stupid to live.
— Q, Star Trek: Borg, if you choose the wrong power module
This one's free. Don't do it.
— Q, Star Trek: Borg, if you attempt to link the Borg circuit to the ship's computer
Are you really trying to paint the entire ocean with your hammer? How are you still alive?!
[if Mario keeps attempting to paint the ocean] Perhaps I didn't make myself clear earlier… KNOCK IT OFF!
— Huey, Paper Mario: Color Splash
"I've been under orders from the Guild to train up some youngsters. I thought it was high time they take on a Yian Kut-Ku, so I put out the request and what do I find? They went for a Yian Garuga instead. They're idiots, but I can't leave 'em be. Help out, eh?"
— The description for the "Wrong Bird, Idiots" quest, Monster Hunter Generations Ultimate
Our Beloved Captain was, as the zailors say, a Person who did not merely Court Disaster. Our Beloved Captain made eyes at Disaster. Needed to be Chaperoned around Disaster. Took Disaster to the Altar and Married It.
— Unnamed Zailor, Fallen London, when every last thing that could go wrong during an oceanic voyage goes wrong
Player Character: I'm skipping [the ship] myself.
ADA: I wouldn't advise that, captain.
Player Character: [Dumb] Stand back, ADA. I know numbers real good.
ADA: Well, I literally *can't* dispute that. Please would the daily ship log note that I defer to the captain, against my better judgment. I am programmed not to ignore an order, after all.
HOPE: ADA, does your captain seriously intend to do a micro jump in-system with engines that haven't been powered in seventy years? On a derelict ship?
ADA: That is what my captain intends, yes.
HOPE: But that is a gross misuse of the skip drive. The Zero Point Drives corp and I will not be held responsible for any damage incurred during transport…and this will cause extreme damage.
ADA: Yes, I am aware of that.
HOPE: You should not be doing this. The humans will die. These calculations don't look right. Why is this number negative?
ADA: Thank you, HOPE. It looks like all systems are a go. Captain, I would advise you to hold onto something — now.
ADA: I wouldn't advise that, captain.
Player Character: [Dumb] Stand back, ADA. I know numbers real good.
ADA: Well, I literally *can't* dispute that. Please would the daily ship log note that I defer to the captain, against my better judgment. I am programmed not to ignore an order, after all.
HOPE: ADA, does your captain seriously intend to do a micro jump in-system with engines that haven't been powered in seventy years? On a derelict ship?
ADA: That is what my captain intends, yes.
HOPE: But that is a gross misuse of the skip drive. The Zero Point Drives corp and I will not be held responsible for any damage incurred during transport…and this will cause extreme damage.
ADA: Yes, I am aware of that.
HOPE: You should not be doing this. The humans will die. These calculations don't look right. Why is this number negative?
ADA: Thank you, HOPE. It looks like all systems are a go. Captain, I would advise you to hold onto something — now.
Way to go, Sherlock, you just invented the trash compactor!
— Laura Bow if you deliberately stand underneath an elevator.
Caution: the Surgeon General has determined that you've gotten EXACTLY what you deserved.
— Freddy Pharkas: Frontier Pharmacist if you ingest something obviously inedible.
Web Animation
Tim: Letterbot 5000?! We looked everywhere for you!
[Short Beat before Letterbot 5000 abruptly screams]
Letterbot 5000: [Distorted voice] H-hello, Tim! Care to j-join me?
Tim: Join you...standing eerily still over there in suspiciously low resolution?
Letterbot 5000: ...Yessss?
[Beat as Tim thinks]
Tim: ...Alright.
[Tim walks over to Letterbot 5000.]
[A giant robotic claw silently descends from the ceiling behind Tim. Letterbot 5000 snaps his fingers and it impales Tim through the chest and drags him screaming into a hole in the ceiling.]
[Short Beat before Letterbot 5000 abruptly screams]
Letterbot 5000: [Distorted voice] H-hello, Tim! Care to j-join me?
Tim: Join you...standing eerily still over there in suspiciously low resolution?
Letterbot 5000: ...Yessss?
[Beat as Tim thinks]
Tim: ...Alright.
[Tim walks over to Letterbot 5000.]
[A giant robotic claw silently descends from the ceiling behind Tim. Letterbot 5000 snaps his fingers and it impales Tim through the chest and drags him screaming into a hole in the ceiling.]
— Murder Drones, "Heartbeat"
"In this area of Austria-Hungary (Sarajevo) lived some Serbs and Bosnians who hated living in Austria-Hungary. So the Austro-Hungarian Archduke Franz Ferdinand goes there for a nice drive in an open-top car, with his car's route published in advance.
[Newspaper shown: "7 Essential Tips For Assassinating World Leaders! You won't believe number 3!"]
And that went just as well as you'd expect."
[Newspaper shown: "7 Essential Tips For Assassinating World Leaders! You won't believe number 3!"]
And that went just as well as you'd expect."
Sonic.EXE: Way to waste everyone's time [with a meeting], dude.
Red Crewmate: B-but you just killed someone!
Sonic.EXE: Yeah. And I'll probably do it again. Your point?
Red Crewmate: Uh, guys? Eject him!?
Green Crewmate: He's not an Imposter, though. Unless… you're not just regular Sonic, are you?
Sonic.EXE: Just for that, I'm killing you next.
Green Crewmate: Nope, he's real. Meeting over!
Red Crewmate: B-but you just killed someone!
Sonic.EXE: Yeah. And I'll probably do it again. Your point?
Red Crewmate: Uh, guys? Eject him!?
Green Crewmate: He's not an Imposter, though. Unless… you're not just regular Sonic, are you?
Sonic.EXE: Just for that, I'm killing you next.
Green Crewmate: Nope, he's real. Meeting over!
— "Sonic.EXE Meets Imposter" by MugiMikey and RecD
by MugiMikey and RecD Webcomics
Thief: Okay, Fighter, tie this rope to something sturdy so we can climb across-
Fighter: [off-panel] Done!
Black Mage: Why is the rope on fire?
Fighter: I tied it to the lava! Y'know, so we could find it when we're done here.
Fighter: [off-panel] Done!
Black Mage: Why is the rope on fire?
Fighter: I tied it to the lava! Y'know, so we could find it when we're done here.
Zeke: The average human lifespan is seventy years.
Embla: I see.
Zeke: Heh. Except Ethan. If you run the data, his life expectancy comes out to negative forty years.
Embla: I see.
Zeke: Heh. Except Ethan. If you run the data, his life expectancy comes out to negative forty years.
Ray: Why would I be nervous?
Lindesfarne: Because… I'm an insectivore.
Ray: What's an insectivore?
Lindesfarne: (whispers to Tammy) Not too big on self-preservation, is he?
Ray: What's self-preservation?
Lindesfarne: Because… I'm an insectivore.
Ray: What's an insectivore?
Lindesfarne: (whispers to Tammy) Not too big on self-preservation, is he?
Ray: What's self-preservation?
— Lindesfarne (a hedgehog) and Ray (a firefly) in Kevin & Kell
Web Original
Defeat Equals Explosion. Punch it anyway.
— Sectopod Bruh Guide, referring to XCOM: Enemy Unknown
, referring to XCOM: Enemy UnknownSo, again, the lesson to be learned here is to not put your hand anywhere near a piece of machinery that’s got razor sharp blades on it. And yes, this is coming from a trick who once almost lost his good fappin’ hand while doing the YMCA dance under a living room ceiling fan.
— Michael K., "Lesson Of The Day: Don’t Grab A Flying Drone"
, "Lesson Of The Day: Don’t Grab A Flying Drone"Drive anywhere at about 8 p.m. at night, and there's always at least ONE dude on the highway who is holding out on putting the headlights on. He's really determined to stay incognito.
This is the Russian bathtub heroin that eats your flesh. And it's a telling sign of our collective lunacy that officials can predict that a FLESH-EATING DRUG will spread across America even though we all know it eats flesh, and then that prediction comes to pass. Personally, I am terrified of all flesh-eating substances: acids, bacteria, lions, etc. I instinctively stay away from them. But that warning apparently wasn't enough to keep away our most desperate, meth-addled citizens. "Well, if it eats my flesh but people still do it, it must be AMAZING." Side note: Do NOT look up images of people who have had their flesh eaten by Krokodil. You will be unhappy.
And it's a telling sign of our collective lunacy that officials can predict that a FLESH-EATING DRUG will spread across America even though we all know it eats flesh, and then that prediction comes to pass. Personally, I am terrified of all flesh-eating substances: acids, bacteria, lions, etc. I instinctively stay away from them. But that warning apparently wasn't enough to keep away our most desperate, meth-addled citizens. "Well, if it eats my flesh but people still do it, it must be AMAZING." Side note: Do NOT look up images of people who have had their flesh eaten by Krokodil. You will be unhappy.—GQ, Make It Stop
, Make It StopWhen Dwinell was tested, doctors did indeed find a burn in the center of his retinas. The finding apparently made Dwinell disheartened and discouraged, and he even apparently stopped sungazing for a while, but he eventually picked it up again because he is rather seriously insane.
— Encyclopedia of American Loons on Mason Howe Dwinell
on Mason Howe DwinellBarney the Dinosaur: Friends, be careful around household chemicals! Many—
Boy: HOUSEHOLD CHEMICALS?! What's that?
Barney: Why, that can mean anything from bleach to drain cleaner! Now—
Boy: DRAIN CLEANER?! What's that?
Barney: It's sort of in the name, genius. The point is, a lot of these are poisonous, and—
Boy: POISONOUS?! What's that?
Barney: You know what, kid? Ice cream. Poisonous means ice cream.
Boy: YAY!!!
Boy: HOUSEHOLD CHEMICALS?! What's that?
Barney: Why, that can mean anything from bleach to drain cleaner! Now—
Boy: DRAIN CLEANER?! What's that?
Barney: It's sort of in the name, genius. The point is, a lot of these are poisonous, and—
Boy: POISONOUS?! What's that?
Barney: You know what, kid? Ice cream. Poisonous means ice cream.
Boy: YAY!!!
Harry is such a chump he somehow manages to fall into a small pool of mercury – if I were Tom I would have headed back to the ship and confirmed his death while I had the chance…his own suit is compromised to keep trying to save his idiotic friend. Let them both die, the show won't lose anything.
—Joe Ford on Star Trek: Voyager, "Demon"
on Star Trek: Voyager, "Demon"Things I Learned From This Game:
Some people are just too fucking stupid to live.
Some people are just too fucking stupid to live.
— This review of Racial Holy War.
of Racial Holy War."Some behaviour does not merely show bad character. It displays a level of stupidity so alarming as to render the bad character secondary. It raises a serious question as to whether emergency personnel should be rushed to the scene to equip the subject with a ventilator in case he forgets to breathe."
Lelouch: I need your help, can you come here?
Suzaku: Well, I can't. I'm buying clothes.
Lelouch: Alright, well hurry up and come over here.
Suzaku: I can't find them.
Lelouch: What do you mean, you can't find them?
Suzaku: I can't find them, there's only soup.
Lelouch: What do you mean there's "ONLY soup"?
Suzaku: It means there's ONLY SOUP!
Lelouch: WELL THEN, GET OUT OF THE SOUP AISLE!!!
Suzaku: ALRIGHT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT AT ME! (Suzaku walks into the next aisle) There's more soup.
Lelouch: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S "MORE SOUP"?!?!
Suzaku: IT'S JUST MORE SOUP!!
Lelouch: GO INTO THE NEXT AISLE!!
Suzaku: (Suzaku goes into the next aisle) THERE'S STILL SOUP!
Lelouch: WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?!?!?
Suzaku: I'M AT SOUP!
Lelouch: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE "AT SOUP"?!?!?!
Suzaku: I MEAN, I'M AT SOUP!!!
Lelouch: WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?!?!?
Suzaku: I'M AT THE SOUP STORE!!!
Lelouch: WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!?!?!?
Suzaku: FUCK YOU!!!!!
Suzaku: Well, I can't. I'm buying clothes.
Lelouch: Alright, well hurry up and come over here.
Suzaku: I can't find them.
Lelouch: What do you mean, you can't find them?
Suzaku: I can't find them, there's only soup.
Lelouch: What do you mean there's "ONLY soup"?
Suzaku: It means there's ONLY SOUP!
Lelouch: WELL THEN, GET OUT OF THE SOUP AISLE!!!
Suzaku: ALRIGHT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT AT ME! (Suzaku walks into the next aisle) There's more soup.
Lelouch: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S "MORE SOUP"?!?!
Suzaku: IT'S JUST MORE SOUP!!
Lelouch: GO INTO THE NEXT AISLE!!
Suzaku: (Suzaku goes into the next aisle) THERE'S STILL SOUP!
Lelouch: WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?!?!?
Suzaku: I'M AT SOUP!
Lelouch: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE "AT SOUP"?!?!?!
Suzaku: I MEAN, I'M AT SOUP!!!
Lelouch: WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?!?!?
Suzaku: I'M AT THE SOUP STORE!!!
Lelouch: WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!?!?!?
Suzaku: FUCK YOU!!!!!
You are fired from breathing! Please, pack up your desk, and kindly leave life.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
— @dril
Lisa: Do those veins of energy showing like you’re a cracked vase look healthy to you?! You’re gonna die if you Keep this up! [...] Stop being stubborn and listen to me if you wanna live!
Lance: NEVER! MY FAITH WILL PROTECT ME!
Lisa: You know what? I don’t care anymore. If you’re that hungry for death then why should I stop you? You’re such a terrific dumbass!
Lance: NEVER! MY FAITH WILL PROTECT ME!
Lisa: You know what? I don’t care anymore. If you’re that hungry for death then why should I stop you? You’re such a terrific dumbass!
—Creator Goddess Lisa Strife, chapter 6
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
— An Internet quote
Vels, Ranma, you licked the fucking doorknob. You knew it was poison, I had SAID it was poison, I had SPECIFICALLY TOLD you "yeah I poisoned it, Kai's alive though, I owe him blood money for damages" and you went and LICKED THE DOORKNOB COVERED IN INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST SAUCE.
—Kellensea Harthdareiter, The Murder-Free Hotel (in reference to events in Murder U Too)
Willy Wonka: And this is my newest invention the child smasher 9000. It instantly smashes any child that gets near it so please be very careful!!
Spoiled rich kid: Holy shit I’m going to be the first ever kid to step directly into the child smasher 9000
Spoiled rich kid: Holy shit I’m going to be the first ever kid to step directly into the child smasher 9000
After using MMS, some users may see appearances of "worm-like" objects in their feces and may believe these are actual parasites (sometimes described using the pseudoscientific term "rope worms"). These "worms" are, of course, misidentified as causing the autism symptoms or other ills that they want to treat, and the users may see the "worms" as a sign that the MMS is working. In reality, the "worms" actually are shedded gut lining that has been destroyed by the chlorine dioxide bleach, and they are a sign that you really should stop drinking toxic shit that is ripping your intestines apart.
— Rational Wiki on people who take Miracle Mineral Supplement (a.k.a. bleach)
(a.k.a. bleach) Web Video
"YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT HAVING SEX NOW?!! Okay, you know what? You all need to die! Not because of what you did to Marty, mind you, but because the law of natural selection demands it!"
—Brandon regarding the characters in Slaughter High.
A Zombie Apocalypse?! You think that's the way to leave the world's infrastructure and resources intact?! Isaac! You should have stayed dead! You were too dumb to live!
—Phelous aftering hearing Dr. Isaac's motivation in Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
Okay guys it looks like you have everything you need so I'm gonna go to bed now! Alone! Naked! And with the door unlocked! Bye!
— Misa Amane, Death Note: The Abridged Series (kpts4tv)
Link: Ah! Fire! My flame-proof suit isn't working!
Navi: That's not a fireproof suit, you just painted your regular suit red!
Link: But… isn't that how fireproof suits work? You know, by camouflaging me from the flames?
Navi: How you've managed to survive this long is a mystery to me.
Navi: That's not a fireproof suit, you just painted your regular suit red!
Link: But… isn't that how fireproof suits work? You know, by camouflaging me from the flames?
Navi: How you've managed to survive this long is a mystery to me.
Sonic: Cool, it's raining fire!
Players: Cool! Cool! I'm gonna die!
Players: Cool! Cool! I'm gonna die!
— Let's Play Sonic the Hedgehog (2006) by pokecapn, Medibot, Kung-Fu Jesus, IlluminatusVespucci, and John Condit
Front door, closet… front door, closet… closet.
— The Angry Video Game Nerd, A Nightmare on Elm Street (NES) parody video.
Vin has a terminal disease and a massive life insurance policy, that's all I can figure.
—SFDebris on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, "Past Tense Pt. 2"
So, they decide to play Blind Man's Bluff, where they turn out all the lights, drink a lot of beer, and roam around the house; a.k.a the easiest setup for a slasher film ever. The only way they could make this easier for the killer is if they killed themselves.
— The Cinema Snob, The Mutilator (1985)
"It's always funny at the beginning of the Terminator films to see his first victims underestimate him or misunderstand what he is."
"Yeah, Bill Paxton and his boys are mouthin' off, so they basically are asking for it. Who's that comfortable around a giant naked man in the first place?"
"Yeah, Bill Paxton and his boys are mouthin' off, so they basically are asking for it. Who's that comfortable around a giant naked man in the first place?"
It's Horror Stupidity Syndrome. And it seems to have become a rather prominent element in modern horror films in particular.
— Media Whorz review of The Thing (2011)
When your life has been directly threatened by your boss and there's already been one unsolved murder in your office building, always work late and alone!
— Noah "The Spoony One" Antwiler, Let's Play Phantasmagoria 2
What? No! Bad! You can't assert free will as you do every single thing your Focus has preordained as your destiny. And stop walking directly into the death trap that the bad guy explicitly told you is a death trap.
— Noah "The Spoony One" Antwiler, on Final Fantasy XIII
Adam: Okay, I already died.
James: What happened?
Adam: I punched a dinosaur.
James: What happened?
Adam: I punched a dinosaur.
Now, this [protagonist] has to be so hot and so dumb. Like, they can't be normal dumb, they have to be ridiculously dumb. And they can't notice any clues. If they see something, they just have to ignore it like it wasn't there.
If, while trying to hide from a werewolf, you back into a clearing, you deserve to die.
— Jeremy Scott, the narrator of CinemaSins, Everything Wrong With Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Why would a witch whose only weakness is water have a bucket of water just lying around in her castle for any reason?
— Jeremy Scott, the narrator of CinemaSins, Everything Wrong With The Wizard of Oz
Set fire to your hair,
Poke a stick at a grizzly bear,
Eat medicine that's out of date,
Use your private parts as piranha bait,
Dumb ways to die!
So many dumb ways to die,
Dumb ways to di-i-ie,
So many dumb ways to die!
Poke a stick at a grizzly bear,
Eat medicine that's out of date,
Use your private parts as piranha bait,
Dumb ways to die!
So many dumb ways to die,
Dumb ways to di-i-ie,
So many dumb ways to die!
I tried, you know. Lord knows I tried. But there's just no helping you people! It's like you crave death. But not just any death, nooooooo! You fuckers seem to have some kind of pool going to see who can end their existence in the dumbest, most avoidable way possible. And you just keep one-upping each other! Do you know how many of you have died screaming Leeroy Jenkins? More than zero! Which, as far as I'm concerned, is grounds to exterminate the species!
— Kayaba, Sword Art Online Abridged
(upon arriving at the sign made of animal legs) You know that GIF of Grandpa Simpson where he walks into the burlesque shop, sees Bart, and then immediately turns around and walks out? That's what any sane person would be doing right about now.
Black Mesa PA System: Please, stay away from electrified rails, and proceed to an emergency station until assistance arrives.
Gordon: Ha! Wow… Man, how dumb would you have to be? I mean, they're not gonna say something like that unless somebody's already tried to do it, right? I guess if I was drunk enough, I might climb out the window here and pull some hang time on the electrified tram rail.
Gordon: Ha! Wow… Man, how dumb would you have to be? I mean, they're not gonna say something like that unless somebody's already tried to do it, right? I guess if I was drunk enough, I might climb out the window here and pull some hang time on the electrified tram rail.
— Freeman's Mind, Episode 1
Now, behold! The terrifying abyss that is the Dead Zone! For banishing me before, you shall suffer that same gruesome fate forever, and… Wait. Did I…? I just did it again, didn't I?! I literally just did the exact same thing that got me an L last time! What am I doing?! This is exactly what my therapist told me not to do!
—Garlic Jr., Dragon Ball Z KAI Abridged Parody: Episode 2.9
Franchise the Clown: Hello Jameis.
Jameis Winston: I'm not supposed to talk to strangers, or the media, or my teammates…
Franchise the Clown: I'm Franchise the Dependable Clown. Would you like to join me? (lifts arms, which are giant crab legs)
(Jump Cut to Jameis in the sewer eating one of the crab legs)
Franchise the Clown: Oh, your decision making just naturally puts you in the sewer? Ok, this was easy. (Proceeds to devour Jameis)
Donkey Kong: Hey, look! Hawaiian Punch!
Diddy Kong: Put that back RIGHT NOW! You know Cranky's a freak. Who knows what kind of weird shit he keeps in his fri-[Donkey Kong begins drinking the potion] Aaand there you go. Why. Why do I even bother?
Nash: How do you live?! How have you survived? It's - it's-
Tara: I know, how have you made it this far in life?
Nash: How do you get out of your house and go outside and come back everyday and not die?
Tara: Because you forgot to breathe?
Nash: Or because you tried to ride on the train? Or because you saw, like, traffic and thought "I can beat that car"? How do you - how do you get this far in life?!
—What the Fuck Is Wrong with You?, 8/28/17, discussing an article in which people tried to safely view an eclipse by putting sunscreen on their eyeballs
, discussing an article in which people tried to safely view an eclipse by putting sunscreen on their eyeballs"A nice, tall glass of mercury! This'll cure my hiccups in no time!"
I'm feeling brave. And by "brave" I mean "stup-
— Zach Hazard, playing Buckshot Roulette, right before he shoots himself in the face with what turns out to be a live shell.
with what turns out to be a live shell. Here's the thing, bro walked into his own death. You wanna know why he walked into his own death? Simple! You should know, to not fuck with old niggas in ANIME! Like, my boy, you are from our world, how do you not know this? You should know that the old heads are always CRACKED! And then you see him standing like this, looking like "oho, why hello there sonny, wonderful weather we're having today, isn't it?" Nigga, you gon' DIE!
Western Animation
I wish to blow up! I mean, like, get big. (explodes)
— Hot Dog Knight, Adventure Time
Stan Smith: Yeah, I'm keeping it real, just like you said. What's scarier than real live murderers?
Roger: My God, Stan, you're a genius! This will be your scariest haunted house ever!
(Later)
Roger: Stan, you don't have to worry. I fixed everything.(Power goes off)
Klaus: (Lights a candle) What's going on?
Roger: I let the prisoners out.
Stan Smith: You what?!
Roger: Yeah, Francine was right. A shark's not very intimidating behind glass, but if you're in the ocean with it...
Klaus: But Roger, they're going to kill us all!
Francine Smith: And chop off my head!
Roger: Scary, right? Ugh, I never think things through.
Sprig: (looking in a wood chipper) Ooh, that looks fun.
Anne: SPRIG, NO! (immediately yanks him away)
Anne: SPRIG, NO! (immediately yanks him away)
— Amphibia, "Hop Til You Drop"
Meatwad: (holding a scorpion) I'll eat it... if you eat it.
Shake: All right, deal! Wait a minute… how are you gonna eat it after I eat it?
Meatwad: Look, you eat it, then I go back in time to before the time that you eat it, then I'll eat it. note
Shake: Okay.
(later)
Frylock: What's wrong with Shake?
Meatwad: Oh, he's dead. Dumbass ate a scorpion.
Shake: All right, deal! Wait a minute… how are you gonna eat it after I eat it?
Meatwad: Look, you eat it, then I go back in time to before the time that you eat it, then I'll eat it. note
Shake: Okay.
(later)
Frylock: What's wrong with Shake?
Meatwad: Oh, he's dead. Dumbass ate a scorpion.
Pizza Twin #1: Dude, I like... cannot drive and beat your high score at the same time.
Pizza Twin #2: Sure you can, dude! Just let go of that round-thingy.
Pizza Twin #1: Oh yeah! Completely.
— Back at the Barnyard, "Cowman & Ratboy"
Oh my God! Someone just left this laying here? Well, it is cold and flu season.
— Steve Williams finding a syringe from the trash before injecting himself with it, Brickleberry
Brian Griffin: Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk.
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk.
Freakazoid: Dumb, dumb, dumb! Never tell the villain how to trap you in a cage!
Gutierrez: You probably shouldn't have helped us build it, either.
Freakazoid: I know! Dumb!
Gutierrez: You probably shouldn't have helped us build it, either.
Freakazoid: I know! Dumb!
Fry: Wait. I know where we can get beeswax. From those giant space bees that nearly killed us, and we swore we'd never go back there.
Farnsworth: Let's go back there!
Farnsworth: Let's go back there!
— Futurama
Anyone can be a fool
And do things which are wrong
But fools find out, when it's too late,
That they don't live so long
And do things which are wrong
But fools find out, when it's too late,
That they don't live so long
— Jiminy Cricket, The Mickey Mouse Club.
Daffy Duck: He does so have to shoot me now! I demand that you shoot me now!
later on...
Daffy: Oh no ya don't! Not this time! (to Elmer) Wait 'til ya get home.
Cartman, you are hereby declared a full-fledged retard.
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park
Coin-operated self-destruct. Not one of my better ideas.
— Plankton, SpongeBob SquarePants
Anyone can be a fool and do things which are wrong, but fools find out when it's too late that they don't live so long.
— Jiminy Cricket, Im No Fool
Real Life
Nature abhors a moron.
— H. L. Mencken, 1949
I had this lady interviewer following me around. More of that in-depth crap. She was convinced that life with Altman was a never-ending round of orgies and excess. She was even snooping around in my hotel bathroom, for Christ's sake, and she found this jar of funny white powder in the medicine cabinet. Aha! she thinks. Cocaine! So she snorts some. Unfortunately, what she didn't know was that I'm allergic to commercial toothpaste because the dentine in it makes me break out in a rash. So my wife mixes up baking soda and salt for me, and — poor girl.
—Robert Altman, as interviewed by Roger Ebert
Since it is opportunity which makes not only the thief but also the assassin, such heroic gestures as driving in an open, unarmoured vehicle or walking about the streets unguarded are just damned stupidity, which serves the Fatherland not one whit. That a man as irreplaceable as Heydrich should expose himself to unnecessary danger, I can only condemn as stupid and idiotic.
—Adolf Hitler, on the assassination of Reinhard Heydrich
That's not a basking shark, dude.
— Shark diving meme
