Marianne: I'm not the one you need to answer to for your depraved behavior. There is a Higher Power who will judge you for your indecency.
Olive: Tom Cruise?
Olive: Tom Cruise?
— Easy A
You’ve probably already seen the dramatic headlines saying that the golden son of Scientology Tommy Girl nearly got plowed hard by a big, long (pause) bus in London while shooting the latest Mission Impossible movie the other day. I’m overdramatic with my headlines and posts, but some hos were really overdramatic by saying that Tommy had a very near miss with that bus. The bus was 100 miles away. Besides, Tommy is a high-level Scientology bridge queen and he has the powers to prove it. Tommy can stop that bus with his mind and if that doesn’t work his crazy ass can scream at it about the dangers of evil anti-depressants until it chokes on glibness and shuts down. That bus doesn’t scare Tommy. Xenu, please.
That being said, I’m sure that bus driver was kidnapped by Scientology goons and is now scrubbing toilets at Gold Base.
That being said, I’m sure that bus driver was kidnapped by Scientology goons and is now scrubbing toilets at Gold Base.
—Michael K.
, "Tom Cruise Barely Escaping Death!"
, "Tom Cruise Barely Escaping Death!"As with the wrestling matches of Chris Benoit, or serial pram-botherer Gary Glitter's fist-pumping anthems, there’s no way to watch Cruise without mentally flashing to that Scientology video where they hang a medal the size of a hubcap around his neck, as a reward for being the best crazy cult member of all the crazy cult members.
Tom Cruise is an odd instance in popular culture. He is as iconic as it is possible for a pop star to be, and to some extent deservedly so, as he is, on his day, a damn fine actor.
Unfortunately, he has made one key decision that has undermined that, which is joining an abusive cult worshipping a space god. This has left other decisions that, in the hands of other stars, are just lovable cheek, as signs of complete insanity. For instance, when other celebrities divorce their wives and marry people wildly outside their socially acceptable dating range, they are more or less charming. When members of insane cults who believe that Xenu the Space Conquerer is chained up under the Pyrenees do it, it's creepy.
Actually, the real problem is that Scientologists are inherently creepy. Always. Everything they do is really, really creepy. As Tom Cruise has become more and more associated with being a Scientologist, he has, by direct and causal extension, become more and more creepy. The boyish smile that once screamed 'I'm a loveable rebel' now screams 'I want to lick your engrams.'
Unfortunately, he has made one key decision that has undermined that, which is joining an abusive cult worshipping a space god. This has left other decisions that, in the hands of other stars, are just lovable cheek, as signs of complete insanity. For instance, when other celebrities divorce their wives and marry people wildly outside their socially acceptable dating range, they are more or less charming. When members of insane cults who believe that Xenu the Space Conquerer is chained up under the Pyrenees do it, it's creepy.
Actually, the real problem is that Scientologists are inherently creepy. Always. Everything they do is really, really creepy. As Tom Cruise has become more and more associated with being a Scientologist, he has, by direct and causal extension, become more and more creepy. The boyish smile that once screamed 'I'm a loveable rebel' now screams 'I want to lick your engrams.'
"In a Black Book interview, director Mary Harron shared that actor Christian Bale found inspiration for American Psycho’s obsessive serial killer Patrick Bateman in Tom Cruise. “We talked about how Martian-like Patrick Bateman was, how he was looking at the world like somebody from another planet, watching what people did and trying to work out the right way to behave. And then one day he called me and he had been watching Tom Cruise on David Letterman, and he just had this very intense friendliness with nothing behind the eyes, and he was really taken with this energy.” It’s for precisely this reason why Cruise never feels like a truly capable romantic lead: There’s something practiced, even unnatural about his charisma, like a mask being worn. Most directors miss out on this quality, but Michael Mann capitalized on it. Cruise delivers one of his most assured and complex performances as Vincent, a hit man who ropes in an unsuspecting cabdriver played by Jamie Foxx. Cruise’s charisma is finally used as a weapon, not a lure."
— Angelica Jade Bastien, reviewing Collateral, "Every Tom Cruise Performance, Ranked"
I said, "Do you mind, Ben? I wanna play this character," I said. "I wanna have fat hands, and I wanna dance."
"Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise crazy
Just be glad it's him, not you...
If you had Tom Cruise's trouble
You might be Tom Cruise crazy, too.
You'd flash your big white shiny smile,
And buy expensive shoes,
But you'd be the only man on Earth who couldn't enjoy Tom Cruise."
Just be glad it's him, not you...
If you had Tom Cruise's trouble
You might be Tom Cruise crazy, too.
You'd flash your big white shiny smile,
And buy expensive shoes,
But you'd be the only man on Earth who couldn't enjoy Tom Cruise."
— Jonathan Coulton, "Tom Cruise Crazy"
