Quotes / The Whiteboard

Doc: Okay, if I send it back with a refund, give you a new one, erase the website, burn the shop down, shave my head and move to Tibet, THEN would you be satisfied?
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Customer: Hey! This 'cocker you sold me stopped working after I fixed it!
Doc: [on the phone] Hang on, I gotta go break somebody's fingers.
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Doc: So what inspired you to put a miniature Tokamak fusion reactor in my Electrococker?
Roger: Remember how mad you got last month when the battery died in the middle of that rush for the flag?
Doc: Point taken. But in all fairness, they were planning on cutting down those trees for more playing area anyway.
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Player: Hey Doc, you're here! Can you fix a Nova that won't fire?
Roger: 8.4 seconds and you're not even out of the truck yet. That's a new record.
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Roger: Was that a woman wearing a toolbelt?
Doc: Yup.
Roger: Why was I not notified?
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Doc: Moved here intentionally? Your parents probably aren't real clear on the concept of 'godforsaken backwater.'
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Roger: [You'll need] a helmet, a fire extinguisher, a first-aid kit and an updated life insurance policy.
Jinx: What? What kind of field is it?!
Roger: Field? Oh, the field's fine. I was talking about riding in Doc's truck. You'd be safer in a top-fuel dragster. Wouldn't get you there as fast, though.
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Rainman: [to Jinx] Hey stranger.
Doc: And stranger still. What's up Rainman?
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Newbie: [on some pros' paintball jargon] Does anyone here speak English?
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Doc: Hmm. Roger's laptop, and it's still logged in. *starts typing search terms* Let's see now... Phrenology, civet gallbladder, inflatable, zaftig! Pusillanimous, hormone, pygmy walrus! Dementia, cure of, and flatulence, cure of! *finishes and goes away giggling* I wonder what Amazon.com will recommend for him now?
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[watching Jinx's highly successful tryout with a pump-action marker]
Bandit: He's going to be insufferable, you know.
Doc: We lived through your first time, didn't we?
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Bandit: What's wrong?
Swampy: You know that feeling that Wile E Coyote gets when he realizes the anvil is still up there?
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Roger: Doesn't that mean this is all legal?
Doc: Technically, I suppose, but then what Enron was doing was technically legal. 'Til they got caught, anyway.
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[after Doc accidentally explosively overcharges the lights]
Roger: Now those are some interesting colors...
Doc: Where's Swampy? We're gonna need somebody with uncarbonized retinas to check the breaker room for flames.
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Roger: No veggies?
Doc: Veggies are what food eats.
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Doc: [on modding his truck with snow tracks] Sometimes the journey is more interesting than the destination. I have fun just trying to get there.
Roger: Like when you stripped that bolt back at the shop and got so angry you threw the ratchet handle through the wall and broke a water pipe? That was fun?
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Roger: I had everything organized!
Doc: What, geologically? Strata and syncline are not terms typically used in office filing systems.
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Bandit: What's up Roj. Where is everybody?
Roger: Doc locked himself in the shop with two cases of Dew.
Bandit: Two cases? Should I be in fear for my life?
Roger: I've already secured all the fissionables. Nothing to worry about except conventional munitions and the usual runaway exothermic reactions.
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Customer: Wow, it looks great. What all did you have to replace?
Doc: Well, I checked it carefully, and...see this fitting? And the trigger? Those I kept. Everything else I had to replace.
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Swampy: Didn't Doc treat him for megalomania after the last tourney?
Shoey: Musta wore off. Think we should clobber him again?
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Doc: A nice bottle of Chateau Belgrave...
Roger: A white wine? Wouldn't a red go better with the microwave burritos?
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Doc: I'm really sorry about this. The guys get a little rowdy after a game...
Waiter: Rowdy?! They jacked up the pressure on the soda fountain and were trying to chrono the Coke nozzles!
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Spam: Dear Doc: We are pr epar red to help yu re fin annce you're mort age right now !
Doc: Dear Sirs: Thank you for your assistance. I've always wanted to let some random person who can't spell handle a major financial transaction for me, but I'll have to direct you to my financial adviser in order to work out the details. He is Mr. MUGABE AZINGA of the Nigerian Finance Ministry. Please allow me to forward your message to him...
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Doc: You don't necessarily need to know anything about paintball, it's just office paperwork like you'd see at any other company.
Sandy: Hair restorer and microwave popcorn are business expenses?
Doc: Well, okay, maybe not exactly like other companies...
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Sandy: [being carried at a sprint by Roger] isn't this a bit extreme for an "oops"?
Roger: After you've been here for a while, you'll learn how ominous one of Doc's 'oopses' can be. They tend to have a minimum safe distance.
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Sandy: Does everyone use the same kind of accessories?
Swampy: Not really. There's lots of ways to set these up, and every player is different...
Roger: My towel! Where's my towel! How can I be a hoopy frood if I don't know where my towel is?!
Swampy: Of course, some take 'different' to a whole new and interesting level...
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Sandy: I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what to do when I get there, and somebody could pop out and shoot me any second now. So why am I having so much fun?
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Sandy: What's with these people? They're so strange!
Swampy: They're fine. They're no worse than Doc or Roger. Okay, bad example, but still...
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Doc: No problem. I've seen this kind of thing lots of times. In fact, I think I first saw this particular problem in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Customer: What, a computer malfunction?
Doc: No, monkeys bashing stuff with a thigh bone.
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Customer: Hey, got a problem here, think you can fix it?
Doc: With the right filler rod I can fix the crack of dawn.
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Pirta: 'Swampy,' huh? Unimaginative parents, or did they just hate you outright?
Swampy: Well, they weren't poets.
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Doc: Dunno. What's playing?
Roger: The same five movies that are always playing: the mindless explosive-laden action flick, the sappy chick flick, the propagandist political "documentary", the low-budget sci-fi based off a crappy book, and the horror/thriller with a plot so transparent it makes vodka look like week-old Yoo-Hoo.
Doc: You can always stay here, you know.
Roger: And miss out on all the fun?
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Roger: 'Not bad?!' The egg salad's grown MANDIBLES!
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Pirta: Anybody know why he tried blowing up a refrigerator in the first place?
Bruno: He's Doc. Sometimes 'just because' is a perfectly acceptable reason.
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Sandy: [watching Pirta play] We've created a monster.
Swampy: That's what we said about you.
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Doc: Now we can do this one of two ways. One, you delete the photos voluntarily and don't let the lady know they were ever taken, and we'll give you some free passes and paint for your trouble. The other way involves being coerced to eat said phones without benefit of condiments, after which we suggest to the lady that she could perhaps retrieve them, if she so desired, using whatever pointy items she had on hand.
Cell camera guy: You make a strong and vividly illustrated case.
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Sandy: A...bomb shelter?
Doc: Well, that's what he called it. It was more like a place to store his bombs.
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Pirta: Is he always such a perv?
Sandy: Only just before he suffers a concussion.
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Rainman: The blues lost three guys but were up one. Larry, why don't you switch over?
Blue guy: The body rejects that transplant.
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Shoey: Uh, the game's started.
Player: Oh, ayuh, I know. I'm stayin' here to defend th' flag.
Shoey: From what? Invasive weeds?
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Sandy: What is it with this place that not only does something blow up every five minutes, but it's always something that has no business exploding in the first place?
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Doc: Y'know, I think next time I go skydiving, I won't even have to bother bringing a parachute. I'll just bring some welding leads or an extension cord. It's an even bet they'll snag on something before I land.
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Doc: I'd say it's too early for puns...but that presumes that at some point there's a correct time for them.
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Doc: I didn't say it was a good idea. I just said it'd be fun to watch.
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Doc: What? C'mon! The experiment worked! Hardly anything blew up!
Sandy: Except that you use 'hardly anything' like most people use 'across the entire Eastern seaboard.'
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Pirta: Oh, come on! Fancy restaurants are the best places to make a scene!
Tawny: I bet I can get us kicked out!
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Sandy: What on Earth are you trying to do there, reassemble used dynamite?
Doc: That'd probably be easier.
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Doc: What? But I have some great strategies and tactics lined up for you guys!
Sandy: Most of your 'strategies' involve throwing people overhand or distracting them with a stun grenade. We want to win this thing our way.
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Doc: Can I get you something to drink?
Gino: Beer if you got one. Three if you got more than one.
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Doc: You know, I've never seen anyone crumple a glass bottle into a ball before.
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Doc: Well, Roger had this idea for a golf club, and...wait, don't you want to hear what happened?
Sandy: I'll wait for the movie. Or the court transcripts.
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Sandy: Your lectures could be bottled and sold as surgical anesthetic.
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Doc: You know, some nice soothing gunfire does sound pretty good right about now...
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Rainman: I want a rematch!
Bandit: Sure! 237th time's the charm!
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Bruno: I can't fault his logic, Red. I wanna unscrew his head and see what makes him tick, but I can't fault his logic.
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Swampy: All right, are they running towards something, or away from it?
Sandy: Away, 'cause they're sweating. If they were running that excitedly towards something, they'd be drooling.
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Sandy: Okay, I'm pretty sure like two minutes ago we were talking about team practice. Did I get the wrong set of cue cards or something?
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Pirta: What? How did you know?
Swampy: Well, like this morning, when he found out I ate the last of his Froot Loops? The smoke that came out of his ears was a lot darker than usual...
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Doc: This is kind of a "Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies" type of weapon, isn't it?
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Bruno: I think we're okay. The fire would have to jump the river to get here, and I've taken precautions. I washed my car and invited a bunch of people over for a barbecue this weekend. It's practically guaranteed to rain.
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Swampy: But I bribed Bruno to let us have one!
Pirta: You? A bribe? You mean to tell me that Bruno can be bought off with half a pound of pocket lint and an expired Hardee's coupon?
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Bruno: I heard Darryl wasn't quite the same after he took a tranq dart strong enough to knock down Doc on a Dew bender.
Rainman: To tell the truth, sir, Darryl wasn't quite the same in the first place.
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Doc: You and I have very different ideas of what 'real simple' means.
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Red Team: Besides its use in popular culture to denote anger and aggression, the color red's historic use as a pejorative towards Communist Bloc nations—e.g. "the Red Menace"—makes it politically unacceptable, and as such I would like to request an alternative!
Jinx: ...right. Okay, Team Pedantic Douchebags, are you ready?!
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Bruno: Swampy, I swear I am going to find a way to make you eat your own head.
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Doc: Is that a veiled request for help?
Red: Veiled, nothin'. You an' Roger soaked my entire target range and everything for sixty yards around it a foot deep in yellow paint. You guys owe me.
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Roger: Leave me alone. Do you have any idea how hard it is to code up a 3-dimensional dynamic spin compensation program?
Doc: Do you know how funny it's going to look with your tail protruding from your left ear?
Roger: I'll be right out.
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Red: Is someone paying you to keep me depressed, Bruno?
Bruno: We took up a collection.
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Shoey: [reffing] Oh, it's good to be back on the field again! Big group, new players...HEY DIPWAD! I CATCH YOU BONUS-BALLING ELIMINATED PLAYERS AGAIN I'M GONNA MAKE YOU EAT THAT BUNKER!! It's almost relaxing...
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http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Quotes/TheWhiteboard