Quotes / The Order of the Stick

Good Deeds Gone Unpunished

A lot of people are going to get hurt tomorrow. All we can do is stand in the way of that and say, "Not them. Me. If you need to hurt someone, hurt me."... Because the alternative is to look at someone else, someone weaker and more vulnerable, and tell them that you want them to be hurt instead of you.

— O-Chul

Dungeon Crawlin' Fools

"Your broken corpses will taste delicious lightly seasoned with nutmeg!"

— Monster in the Darkness

"I am somewhat preoccupied with telling the laws of physics to sit down and shut up."

— Vaarsuvius

No Cure for the Paladin Blues

"Sacrificing minions: Is there any problem it can't solve?"

— Xykon

"I think I just had an evilgasm."

—Xykon

"The phrase is Smite Evil, not Bump Uglies."

—Miko

"You're not Good, at least not any definition of Good that I would want to follow. You follow the letter of the alignment description while ignoring its intent. Sure, you fight Evil, but when was the last time you showed a "concern for the dignity of sentient beings"? You're just a mean socially inept bully who hides behind a badge and her holier-than-thou morality as excuses to treat other people like crap."

—Roy Greenhilt, giving Miko a "The Reason You Suck" Speech

War and XPs

Durkon: ...So that explains why ye just Charmed a muskrat inta humpin' Belkar's bare feet.
Vaarsuvius: Hmm? Oh no, that is merely for my own personal amusement.
Belkar: What the— Arrgh! Get off! Wild Empathy Check! WILD EMPATHY CHECK!!!

Vaarsuvius: Fascinating. Durkon, I have just now formulated a theory that encompasses both Nale's most likely method of engagement and the most suitable response on our part.
Durkon: ...THA TREES BE ATTACKIN'!! RUN FER YER LIVES!!!
Vaarsuvius: Ah, I see you have already grasped the core principles of my theory.

"We're trained professionals. Well, we're semi-trained quasi-professionals, at any rate."

—Roy

"not nale, not-nale. thog help nale nail not-nale, not nale. and thog knot not-nale while nale nail not-nale. nale, not not-nale, now nail not-nale by leaving not-nale, not nale, in jail."

— Thog, #367

"Even if we hold the city tomorrow, it may be the last night alive for many of those girls you just told to "chill out". It might even be the last night for you, or one of your friends. (Beat) This isn't the dungeon. In a war, people on the winning side still die. You might want to consider taking it somewhat seriously."

—O-Chul, #417

"I AM A SEXY SHOELESS GOD OF WAR!"

— Belkar Bitterleaf

(To the tune of Danny Boy)
O buddy Roy, the Lich, the Lich came calling
From round to round and in the air this day,
And though we have all found ourselves a-falling,
'Tis you, 'tis you went splat and we're OK.

But come ye back when Raise Dead has been cast
After cash for Diamond Dust we pool,
'Cause we'll be here tomorrow after breakfast,
O buddy Roy, O buddy Roy, you're pretty cool.

But if tomorrow, it turns out we got smacked down
If we're dead, our hit points worn away,
Then sorry dude, you won't be coming back now;
One death sucks, but six spells T-P-K.

I won't see you in the afterlife in that case
Because you're Lawful, and Chaotic Good am I
And I don't think they'll let me hang at your place.
O buddy Roy, O buddy Roy, why did you die?

— Elan, "O Buddy Roy"

"Order every hobgoblin, zombie, ghoul, or whatever else we have to charge that breach in the wall, and not to stop until they can feel the ocean spray on their faces. We're going to win this war NOW."

— Redcloak

Don't Split the Party

"I tell you, nobody around here respects my schedule. Do you think crushing an entire civilization beneath our heels 'just happens'? It's all fun and games for them, but I'm the one who has to make the magical lightning-powered trains run on time."

— Redcloak

"Humans... I've come to expect your lack of respect for the lives of MY people, but I am still continually amazed at how little you value those of your own.
You're nothing but savages, amoral savages."

— Redcloak

"Why should I care how many people I have to kill? I can just make MORE in my TUMMY!"

— Kazumi Kato

"Disintegrate. Gust of wind. Now can we please resume saving the world?"

— Vaarsuvius

"Solve a man's problems with violence, help him for a day. Teach a man to solve his problems with violence, help him for a lifetime!"

— Belkar Bitterleaf

"Your life is much like this Go board, my friend. You have allowed yourself to be surrounded by enemy pieces-people who wish to bend you to their will, to remove your unique voice from the board and replace it with one of... of mindless subservience. But as you correctly point out, you are still holding two empty places in the center. They are your heart and your mind. They are the places that make you what you really are. Do you wish to surrender one of them so easily?"

— O-Chul

"You seem to have an interest in power, so let me educate you a little while I search for you. It's sort of this thing I like to do sometimes, especially for learned wizards such as yourself.

Power, it isn't something that you put on or take off like a jacket. It's something you just ARE. If you can lose it by blowing two Will saves, you never really had any power in the first place, see what I'm saying?

Hell, the idiot paladin understands better than you do, 'cause he got every one of those hit points I burned off him the hard way: he earned them.

(...)

I used to think spells equaled power, too, back when I was alive. I've learned a lot since then.

You know what does equal power? Power. Power equals power. Crazy, huh? But the type of power? Doesn't matter as much as you'd think. It turns out, everything is oddly balanced. Weird, but true.

For example:"

(Suddenly grabs an invisible Vaarsuvius by the throat)

"...Right now, power takes the form of a +8 racial bonus to Listen skill checks.

So, uncle Xykon, what's the moral of the story? A big pile of spells isn't enough when the other guy has a big pile of spells AND the power to crush your windpipe with his bare phalanges.

And they died happily ever after. The End."

—Xykon

O-Chul: (in prisoner's underwear, having been imprisoned and tortured for months and put through death traps for Xykon's amusement, hit by Disintegrate and Meteor Swarm and entirely unarmed, facing an Epic-leveled Lich Sorcerer) FOR AZURE CITY!!
Xykon: Wow. You've got some +5 Holy Cojones on you, paladin, I'll give you that.

"Beating heart... breathing lungs... positive hit point total... I'M BACK IN THE GAME!"

— Roy Greenhilt

Blood Runs in the Family

"As the size of an explosion increases, the number of social situations it is incapable of solving approaches zero."

— Vaarsuvius

Elan: (being chased by Tarquin's guards) Man! Is having someone who points out the clichés in all your plans always this annoying?
Haley: I love you, so I'm not going to answer that.

"I may be in error, but I believe the appropriate proclamation is: "Sneak Attack, bitch"."

— Vaarsuvius

"Everyone who can't fly, get on the dinosaur. We're punching through."

—Roy

"I have had quite enough of this, young man. Defending Greenhilt was misguided but understandable — but then you go and hide behind that washed up buffoon? Trying to steer the whole story in another direction? Unacceptable! [...] It has become clear to me that the only way you will accept your proper role is for me to utterly crush you here and now. So I am going to murder your lowlife girlfriend, burn this ship and everyone on it to ash, and chop off your hand. BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THESE THINGS ARE DONE! And when you are off brooding and healing for our inevitable final duel, I want you to remember one thing: that you forced me to do this. Just like Nale did."

—General Tarquin neatly sums up his worldview.

"The truth is, we don't really know what is going on anymore."

— Roy speaks for both his team and the audience

Utterly Dwarfed

"I take back 80% of the bad things I've said about you in the last hour."

—Belkar

Vaarsuvius: I see. When the halfling eschews logic and makes decisions emotionally, it is problematic. But when you do it, it is valid.
Roy: NO! Maybe. My gut is smarter than his gut!

"That's you. You said those words. You can hang there and pretend you're so much nobler than I am, but for that one moment? You felt exactly how I feel. You are who you are on your very worst day, Durkon. Anything less is a comforting lie you tell yourself to numb the pain.'

—The High Priest of Hel

"It always seemed weird to me to get mad about things going wrong, as if everything turning out ok was promised to anyone, ever. There wouldn't need to be paladins if the world was, like, fair."

—Lien

"An' wha kinda dwarf would I be in'n I did tha? If'n I put me happiness ahead o' tha lives- tha very souls- o' five others? Sometimes, bein' a dwarf means takin' feelings like tha an' burying 'em inna deep dark part of yer soul- -an' ne'er talkin' aboot 'em again"

—Sigdi Thundershield

"Ye told me b'fore tha ye are who ye are on tha worst day of yer life. An' tha's true. Tha's 100% true. But ye know who else ye are? Ye are who ye are on tha next day. Tha day ye wake up an' haf ta decide: are ye gonna make this tha new worst day of yer life, or na? An' ye are who ye are tha day after tha, which can also be yer worst day...or na. Ye are who ye are on all o' yer days. All o' 'em. Includin' tha best and worst ones. An' when ye haf a new worst day, ye can get stuck thar, lookin' back on it an' worryin'. An' tha's normal. But sooner or later, ye gotta take all tha pain an' do sumthin' wit it. Try ta make sumthin' better outta it.

—Durkon Thundershield

"You. YOU! How dare you make me think about things, Durkon! How could you not think about how your selflessness would affect ME?!?"

— Belkar Bitterleaf

"Well, Durkon... now we're even, I guess. Now it's time for me to put my faith in you."

— Thor

Final Arc

"What is it with you paladin chicks and killing weird old people?!?"

— Belkar

"It's a winding road with no guardrails and some deeply stupid cul-de-sacs, but it's still technically a path."

— Roy

"One o' tha most import'nt lessons o' bein' a healer is: Gettin' tha diagnosis right dinnae mean yer gonna get tha treatment right too. Redcloak, 'e's right aboot wha's wrong, but wrong about how ta make it right."

—Durkon Thundershield

Oona: Oh, Oona is knowing that little bald man in cape is caring very much. Yes. But...
Redcloak: But what? Do you doubt my intentions?
Oona: No, no. Intentions are sparkly, like fresh snow on mangled corpse. But little bald man is doing in his life what we bugbears are calling "living in two villages". First village is named Doing-Very-Best-for-Goblins, where we are skipping and playing and not worrying about getting smushed by dwarf or elf. Second village is named Right-All-Along, and all the rocks and trees there are telling little bald man he is being very smart and justified... little bald man is liking both villages and is owning fancy cottage with indoor fireplace in each. Okie dokie! Villages are across river from each other. No big whoop to be living in both. Lunch in one, dinner in the other! Everyone is happy! But problem with living in two villages is: what if one day, bridge over river is being eaten by angry dolphin? Which village will little man be living in then? Which choice will he be choosing when choosing time is here?
Redcloak: So you're worried that at some point, the goals I've been working toward might be incompatible with...what? My own ego? I don't know see how to take that as anything but an insult, given how much of my life I've devoted to—
Oona: Oona never said she was worried. Oona is pretty sure she knows what little caped man would choose.

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